Area Man Enjoys Local Brewery, Believes it to be the Best in the World

November 11, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

SPOKANE, WA

Associated Fermentation Press

Billingsly delivering his earth-shattering announcement

Area Spokane resident and National Forestry Service employee, Jon Billingsly, made the unprecedented determination that his local brewery, Iron Goat Brewing Co., is the best in the entire world. “I been coming to the Goat for, shit, three years now, nothin else compares,” Billingsly noted while enjoying a pint of “Trashy Blonde”, “I mean, they got a porter on, a scotch ale on AND an irish red, at the same damn time. Who else is doin’ what the Goat is doin?”

Pictured above, purveyors of the best beer in existence.

Billingsly admitted that he had not been to any other brewery aside from B.J.’s outside of the greater Spokane area, but defiantly stood by his sweeping appraisal that no brewery of greater quality could possibly exist. “I don’t need to go to France and try Belgian beers or German triples or whatever, shit, they just put a keg of Cap’n Kidd wee heavy on, you seein this shit?” Billingsly gesticulated while spitting Skoal into a nearby pint glass, “plus they tell my wife I ain’t here when they got the live music goin on Tuesday nights, who else does that for a guy?”

When presented with innumerable other breweries or suggestions that could undermine his position, Billingsly remained recalcitrant. “‘Drink local’ alright, local is always gonna be best. No doubt in my mind. And hell, if your local ain’t like Iron Goat, well then, you’re shit outta luck buddy because we already got the best,” Billingsly noted and began pumping his fist when the local cover band, “The Shit Kickers” began playing an Eric Church song.

pictured above, the pinnacle of beer progress as we now know it.

Owner, Greg Brandt, sagely commented, “We named Iron Goat after a famous goat in Spokane who eats garbage. Our ‘Garbage Pale Ale’ is named after that same goat. You tell me another brewery with that degree of self-awareness and connection to the community. the Iron Goat stands by Jon’s ruling.”

At press time the Iron Goat had just tapped a keg of “Punkid Punkin Ale” and Jon Billingsly nodded in solemn affirmation, resolute in his convictions, noting “there’s not a doubt in my god-damned mind.”

Victory Vital IPA: That PA Supergiant is Checking the Vital Signs of the Hopgame

November 5, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Oh Victory, what a tremulant history we have shared. They are that entry level brewery that engages your interest, then you outgrow, but then you embrace again when you are done moralizing and giving a fuck. Victory Brewing is kinda like that uncle who did sleight of hand magic and always invited you over to his studio apartment, but then later you found out it was because your uncle was on house arrest for petty theft. Eventually you come full circle and realize your uncle is pretty kick ass, despite his larcenous trappings.

So Victory is hazarding a branding reboot of sorts, embracing their first canned offering, and bridging the gap to a more accessible consumer base from what I can gather. I mean look at this shit:

Embedded adjectives like a TGI Fridays menu and shit.

I think we can agree that the marketing is dumber than a Rice Krispee Treat dildo. But remember, this is appealing to the type of dude who says “WHEN WE GONNA GET YOU OUT ON THE BOAT” non-ironically. The official press statement boldly asks “WHAT IF WE LIVED IN A WORLD WITH ONLY ONE IPA CHOICE” so I am guessing this is some Fallout 4 dystopian future simulator IPA.

One thing you cant deny is a pretty fucking legit IPA 6 pack for $9.99. That was the reason I loved DIRT WOLF but price alone cannot be Victory’s savior because Hop Ranch was a bag of pulverized chive and garlic nutsacks. So where does this one stack up between those two polar opposites? Eh, somewhere in between, falling closer to the Dirtwolf awesomeness.

The press release is fucking hilarious and makes me wish I wrote copy for this No Fear t-shirt designer turned beer mogul: “WHETHER YOU ARE LOOKING TO RELIEVE A STRESSFUL DAY, TOAST TO ONE OF LIFE’S MANY VICTORIES…REACH FOR THAT WHICH IS VITAL TO ALL FIVE SENSES IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD.” Go ice your boner down and continue reading.

So how does this taste? It appears to have subacriomial bursitis and a rotator cuff tear from patting itself on the back at release. The look is admittedly awesome, that radiant hue with a touch of hay and light orange like when a Filipino dude decides that he would look good with bleached hair.

The nose follows suit and doesn’t go strict IBU overload and instead offers a pretty fulfilling with a sort of shallot and carmelized onion meets mango puree. The waft is thin and has a touch of lemon hand soap to it that is forgivable because it ultimately comes across as refreshing rather than substantial in scope.

The taste is better than the nose and offers up a safe interplay between coniferous cones, yard trimmings, and grapefruit pith. It has a clean fast finish that anomalously would work well in hot weather, and not as a late-Fall release but, I guess that’s fine? It doesn’t have any of the usual malty sweetness problems attendant to, let’s call it, PA’s bordering states. There is a lightly danky oiliness to the swallow that peaces out faster than when the professor says “attendance will not affect your grade.”

These labels. FFS.
CLASS : ALE, +2 DPS TO ELEMENTALS, HOP ALIGNMENT: CITRUS DAMAGE

So overall, this is welcome offering in a bar that probably is serving like SHIFT or some other shit, but I don’t see you reaching for this over your [insert smaller local superstar brewery.] It will raise the nationwide Grocery Store caliber of beers and act as a cool counterpoint to the likes of Lagunitas and Green Flash in that segment, but people who are drinking Societe or Columbus or Trillium will not be bothered by the spread of this ambitious upstart.

Buy a six pack, crush it, start accusing your children of things that they couldn’t possibly have been responsible for.

2 HOT 4 THRILLIST: The Nine Types of Shitlords You See at Every Bottleshare

August 21, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Man, people were fucking pissed that DDB content was published by Thrillist, DDB is getting called a sellout/child rapist/holocaust denier/lion murderer, everything under the sun. In the interest of fairness, here is the 1100 word piece that Thrillist passed on, hopefully this listcream serves to alleviate some of those anal fissures caused by your feelings of entitlement to thousands of words of free content on a daily basis:

THE NINE TYPES OF SHITLORDS YOU SEE AT EVERY BOTTLESHARE

In the world of rare craft beer, there is a grinding undulating ritual that occurs amongst sticky neckbearded basement dwellers: the bottle share. This ritual of iniquity used to be about meeting with friends who shared a common love for beer and opening them together. Given the influx of new money to the world of craft beer, coupled with covetous dipshits and skyrocketing values of rare bottles, beer traders are now forced to unite and share the tiniest of pours with people they may not even like or know. Tips will be mushed. Space will be docked. Since these vulgar proceedings are becoming de rigeur, it seems only fitting to chronicle the types of assholes you will see at a beer bottleshare, should you decide to debase yourself and attend one.

1) The Moleskin Baller

Don’t even try to talk to this asshole. This is the beer enthusiant who is obsessed with chronicling his life as a real time documentary instead of actually living it. You will see his trilby gazing downwards, scribbling in a notebook pithy adjectives that no one cares about. If you attempt to engage this introvert he will like mutter something about “monoculture saturation” and get back to his srs bznezz journal. Don’t waste your time.

bottle clutching deviants

2) The Imaginary Badge Enthusiast

Some beer nerds break their cocks in half trying to earn badges on Untappd. This dude pushes things to the limit with his self-aggrandizing app and will check in every single drop of beer that he tastes, even if it is a lukewarm meniscus, the single digit reviews will be forthcoming. God forbid two of these dipshits sit next to one another at one time, the furious grinding of toasts and badge comparisons will resonate anechoic through your soul.

3) The DSLR Dipshit

If you thought beer was about candid discussion or enjoying the company of others, then you will want to avoid captain Canon 70D at all costs. This is the type of person who brings a lightbox to a tasting with multiple lenses acting like that shit is somehow socially acceptable. Watch your elbows while pouring because this squatting misanthrope will be taking low angle high F-stop pics to make sure every bubble of that predictable ass carbonation is documented. Because that’s what you want at an event where you get getting completely rekt, some officious Annie Leibovitz pushing a telescopic lens into your greasy red face saving every candid moment in 21mp and 4K HD video.

WHICH NUMBR R U THO

4) The Undergrad Johnny Come Lately

Inevitably at any bottle share someone will bring a beta casual friend who knows fuck all about beer. These people usually start off nice enough but after a couple pours, prepare yourself to hear all about some shitty smoked vienna lager that he had when he studied abroad. This person gets brassier as the night goes on and will ask a litany of questions to anyone within earshot. If you feel like explaining what yeast is, how mashing works, what a lambic is, and listen to endless TRAPPIST anecdotes, feel free to sit next to this dude.

5) The Incredibly Tolerant Asian Girlfriend

At any share full of obese, red-faced, grimy manchildren, there will always be one incredibly forgiving Asian girlfriend with her arms folded. While grown men debate over sugarwater, she will endure on, quietly suffering the tired banter and quips from the shameful attendees. At some point in the proceedings she will be subject to latent misogyny or condescension from some cocksure guest who wants to feel relevant in his niche hobby. She always knows as much or more about beer than most of the people at the party by virtue of being subjected to the constant prattling about barleywines on a daily basis. This person will remind you that bottleshares are the worst and that you should eat some Pirate’s Booty and leave this stupid hobby predicated on excess.

hot bitches at all my shares bruxellis

6) Captain Categorical Statement

This guy will loudly provide his opinion on each and every beer before you even taste it. You will be able to spot him in his brewery screen print t-shirt immediately. This is the type of person who provides you with ordinal rankings of every beer in each style, extroverted to a fault. Prepare for sweeping generalizations, absolutes, and contrarian banter from this type of dipshit. Just nod when you hear him proclaim “SAISONS WITH BRETT IN THEM AREN’T REALLY SAISON” or “ALL BLACK IPAS SHOULD BE CALLED CASCADIAN DARK ALES” or “KING HENRY IS THE BEST BARLEYWINE THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE AND IT WILL NEVER BE MADE AGAIN.” You dont need to know this guy. He likely works at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car by day and this is all he has. Just leave him alone.

7) The Fermentation Revisionist

I hope you love living in the past, because if you sit next to this dude, it is all that you will be hearing about. Just try taking a sip of this year’s vintage and prepare for this guy to spin some yarns about how LAST YEARS BATCH WAS MORE ATTENUATED or THE HEAD BREWER LEFT and THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE or THIS HAS FALLEN OFF SINCE I LAST HAD IT. This is the real world equivalent of the high school cicerone who got injured and his palate was never able to go pro. God help you if you haven’t tried every single beer from the mid-90s onward, because this man will pepper you with references to beers you could never have tried, namely because you were 11 at the time. Don’t engage this person, he is an endless beer wikipedia full to the brim of useless bullshit.

WILL THERE BE A SEAT AT THE TASTING FOR MY REAL DOLL? I dont want her to b jealus

8) The ABV Obsessor

Invariably there will be someone new to craft beer whose sole barometer of quality is the alcohol by volume in a beer. The WOOOO! Probability Index is off the charts with this one, and heaven help you if someone opens up an old ale. First pumping will be forthcoming, with pithy phrases like “AT 13% ABV IS IT EVEN BEER AT THAT POINT! LOLOL!!!!” This is the party responsible for piss on and around the bathroom rug.

9) The Designated Driver

This person will be subjected to the arrows of outrageous fortune and bear it grimly, sipping Perrier with gritted teeth. In the age of Uber, you probably wont be able to comprehend what type of person would put themselves through a bottleshare sober when you can barely tolerate these Fedex Ballers while shithouse drunk. He is a figure of herculean strength and stoicism worthy of your reverence. Again, don’t talk to him, your eyes are mirrored pools that reflect your own fun times, a grating reminder of his abstinence. Don’t rub it in.

OH FUK Bottleshare badass detected ABORT

Don’t go to a bottleshare, ever. No matter what they are opening, it is not worth it. Take up Gundam models or Magic: the Gathering instead, craft beer is an undulating pit of disgusting sugary chest hair and you’re better off avoiding it altogether.

Top Five Beers to Drink on Cinco De Mayo if You Are an Ignorant Asshole

May 5, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

CINCO DE FUXXKIN MAYO. Time to slam overpriced rebranded inbev products and make racist caricatures! OH AND SUPPORT MULTINATIONAL TEQUILA CONGLOMERATES LOL.

Everyone loves this day of the year, if only because Mexican culture has affected the average craft beer drinker in such a profound way, that the average dipshit cant be expected to know the history of the holiday. Usually you will see microbreweries with lagers bearing faux-racist names pandering out some microaggressions, or stouts with cinnamon and chilis in them because LOL MOLE, THEY LIKE THAT AMIRITE.

Since the type of person who blows fat stacks on consumable items doesn’t have the time or means to pay legitimate homage to the holiday or understand its historical roots LET’S MAKE A LIST OF CRAFT BEERS TO CELEBRATE CINCO DE DRINKO WITH!!!!

1) Hill Farmstead Ephraim

Hill Farmstead, Ephraim, Double IPA, Granpa is Getting Touchy Feely

This has about as much to do with Mexican history as most of the shit I see

Fuck those DIPA hops from Vermont sure do allow me to pay solemn respect for the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French military forces on May 5, 1892, under the command of General Ignacio Zaragosa Seguin. That massive ABV and citrus profile tastes so good when you erroneously call Cinco De Mayo “MEXICOS FOURTH OF JULY.”

2) Logsdon Peche n Brett

Logsdon Farmhouse Ales Peche ‘n Brett, Get Ready to Get your Peaches Gripped

If you thought I would make a produce harvesting joke, think again, because that would denature the structural credibility of my own soap box

Massive farmhouse ales are always deliciously paired with Enchiritos, Crunchwrap Supremes, or some other food developed by YUM Foods that Mexican people do not actually eat. This beer is 10% abv and you will slam it and totally forget that Mexico’s Independence Day is actually on September 16th, but you’re tryna holler at that Bolivian girl in the Maxi dress because Bolivia is like a Mexican city basically.

3) Troegs Splinter Blue

Troegs Splinter Blue, dipping deep and pulling out them blue BALs

Knowing that you spent the same amount of money on a single stupid fucking beer than an undocumented landscaper makes in an entire week just bolsters the old self esteem, CHEERS TO YOUR EXCESS

Nothing says Cinco De Mayo like wildly expensive rare beers from Pennsylvania. I mean sure, Cinco De Mayo may not even be a national holiday in Mexco, but your life of privilege allows you to take the day off in Mexico’s honor. Hell take two days off because those CORONA HANGOVERS AMIRITE? Don’t even act like you know where the state of Puebla is you geocentric dumbfuck. If you drink enough of this you will inevitably ask a Hispanic person “Which kind of Mexican are you from?” and they will silently put up with your bullshit

4) Alpine Great Barleywine

Alpine GREAT Barleywine, For Those Times When Good Barleywine Just Wont Cut It

After a long day of being paid crippling poverty wages for unskilled labor, pass the 15% abv barleywine already

From the time of Mexican Independence in 1821 to the time of this battle in 1862, México suffered numerous setbacks in its attempts to form a stable republic, and endured several incursions into its sovereignty as an independent nation. SO LETS GET FUKNNNN WASTED. Great is a solid ass beer to get you hella wasted, and provides enough liquid courage for you to put a pancho over your Hollister v neck and shake plastic maracas offensively… just before someone puts a large sombrero on your head so you seem outgoing and fun, not just some dipshit who is the manager of an Express for Men. The best part about Alpine Great is that it might even get you wasted enough to think that putting a fake mustache on with mardi gras beads is acceptable. CINCO DE SUCCESS IF YOU ASK ME.

5) Literally any beer, you don’t honestly give a shit

Birrificio Le Baladin Xyauyù Fumé (Islay Whisky) – Xyuken, Shoryuken, BALADASKINPEROOKIN

It seriously doesn’t even matter

All that shit is made by Grupo Modelo. a huge ass factory in Mexico owned by Belgian-Brazilian company Inbev. It has 63% of the Mexican beer market and exports beer to most countries of the world. Its export brands include Corona, Modelo, Pacifico and a bunch of other shit. It doesn’t really matter what you choose, you’re probably an asshole. Right about now someone will bring up Constellation Brands, and how in June 2013 the company, which formerly imported Corona and other Modelo brands to the United States, acquired the US rights to those brands as a part of an anti-trust settlement permitting Modelo’s acquisition by Inbev along with a brewery in Mexico. It now produces its own versions of those products for the US, with Modelo serving all other countries.

No one gives a shit. This beer blog is the section 8 housing of the internet.

@eviltwinbrewing 14 labels and why I was self aggrandizing enough to explain them on Thrillist

April 14, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

If you know anything about recipe engineers and gourmand specialists without “BRICK AND MORTAR” breweries per se, they need to take out substantial health insurance policies for patting themselves on the backs so vigorously. A torn rotator cuff is expensive and subacromial bursitis related to drafting a beer recipe on paper and having little to no engagement to actually creating it can cause serious health effects.

So imagine Jeppe’s elation when clickbait mogul THRILLIST asked them to wax philosophical about the labels that they designed for the recipes that they designed that were brewed by other people. If you are already wiping the perspirsation from your brow I don’t blame you, being a flavor technician is hard work. Without further ado here is the article on THRILLIST unironically presented:

http://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/stories-behind-evil-twin-beer-names

14) Christmas Eve in a New York Hotel Room

Man I bet you loved typing this one into untappd and just wondered WHAT COULD HAVE INSPIRED IT. I bet it was an obscure passage from a Don Delillo book, or wait, some Noam Chomsky analysis, wait, here it comes “I decided I would never make a Christmas beer. But then I changed my mind, and made a stout that has nothing to do with Christmas, just to make fun of it. I actually spent Christmas Eve in a New York hotel room before I moved here, and we ate Thai food” OH SHIT ULTRA TROL. Wow, that lengthy needlessly wordy title was just…”I was here when on this holiday, Americans are fucking stupid.” Nice, take my $18.99 for this underwhelming nonbarrel aged beer. No please, enjoy your mediocre scores and then brag about the label, we need to know about it.

So we made an uninspired label and here’s an article about it, no we arent even self aware, we are Danish

13) Wet Dream

Holy fuck the Danish are known for cleverness, land of poets and prosiac dreamers, listen to the explanation for this nocturnal emission: “we had the idea to make a brown ale with coffee, and explained in an email how it would taste, because of the rosiness playing with the coffee, and said, “doesn’t that sound like a wet dream?” So we called it Wet Dream.” Nice because no one else had ever had the idea of adding coffee to a brown ale, such ejaculations. The depth, it is like analyzing a Thomas Pynchon novel.

12) Biscotti Break

Oh fuck hold on to your hats for this epic breakdown “we tried to replicate a biscotti, and used almond, coffee, and vanilla. And that’s pretty much it. Why it’s called Break, it’s like a play on the coffee break,” I would have needed to download the Criterion collection to crack that srs code.

SHE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHY THESE BEERS COST SO MUCH. they are imported ideas from Denmark…brewed 400 miles from here.

11) Ryan and the Gosling “it’s a play on Ryan and the Beaster Bunny, and Ryan Gosling. But we didn’t want to call it Ryan Gosling, because we didn’t want to get sued or some shit, so we changed it out a little bit.” Alright so you wanted to illegally appropriate a celebrity likeness but also reference Chad from Crooked Stave, BEASTER BUNNY was the next likely move, top 10/10 to the copy editors, we all got that. The beer could have been called CHAD AND THE SAND WORMS FROM BEETLEJUICE and no one would have given a single fuck.

10) Falco

You think they know what the fuck Star Fox is? Wrong, some other uninspired shit “Falco is because it’s based on a hop blend called Falconer’s Flight” ohhhh fuuuuu- that’s literally it. Shortening the name of a single hop blend. Evil Twin gets paid for this shit.

TFW they can respond however they want after they took all ur dolalrs

TFW tEvil Twin can respond however they want after they took all ur dolalrs

9) Spicy Nachos

” Ed Westbrook owns Westbrook Brewing Company, he’s a very good friend of mine, and we make a lot of beers down there. Ed’s wife calls him Spicy Nachos, and it is so fucking weird, and we tried to figure out why, but they will not tell us.” So surely you make a completely different beer not like…totally centered around his…you put cheese and jalapeno in this didnt you? FUCK. “But then it’s actually spicy nachos beer, made with corn and jalapeños,” Somewhere there is a Nissan GTR peeling out fueled by South Carolina dipshits.

8) Even More Jesus

Surely this has a biblical verve, it can’t just be some uninspired riff like the other- “I wrote, “Jesus, this is expensive.” And then I did another one, and it was even more expensive, and wrote, “even more Jesus.” Ok. So you literally made a label laughing at how much you could charge 12 Percent customers for a beer brewed by other people, distributed by other people, then clinking glasses at how much they would pay, it’s serious Denmark Gatsby shit.

wow, these labels, such an expose

7) Hipster Ale

This has to be a self-referential beer where you donate to a specific charity or you use a vegan and gluten recipe- wait what’s that? ” I wasn’t sure if hipsters would find it too ironic, too self-reflexive, so they wouldn’t drink it, but I didn’t give a shit. If it worked, it worked, and if it didn’t, it didn’t. But it worked! We sell a shitload of that stuff.” it was literally just another marketing plot to enact upon the beer community? Nice. Consistency in batches is key.

6) Justin Blabaer

Not only does this hilarious beer infringe upon one of the most sought out beers from Cantillon ever made but LOL OMG WHAT IF IT WAS NAEMED LIKE THE SAEM. Surely that wouldn’t cause any problems- ” [we] kinda forgot about the beer sitting in these barrels at this brewery in Denmark. But then it came over and it’s like, time to make a name. It’s a play on, of course, Justin Bieber, and it’s made with blueberries, the Danish word for which is “blåbær,” and when Americans say it, it kinda sounds like “Bieber.” Also I just wanted to make fun of that dude.” So its a neglected berliner, with neglected fruits, sold for top dollar, using the same goodwill generated from one of the top lambic producers in the world LOL SO FUNY.

5) Molotov Cocktail

This has to have some social consciousness given the incendiary nature of the ” It’s 13%, it’s crazy hoppy, it’s going to be way too hoppy. And a Molotov cocktail is fucking explosive in so many ways, and so unbalanced, and it’s just a cool name. And when you drink it, if you don’t like it, you kinda can’t complain about the taste” Wait what. So you just added dextrose and a long boil and shrugged your shoulders like “LOL CANT COMPLAIN BECAUSE LOOK AT LABEL, is MOLOTOV!” That’s the type of shit an Eastern European hostel would pull. So making that label indemnifies you from taste complaints? If only more recipe masters embraced this novel approach “CANNOT COMPLAIN ABOUT FIRESTORM SAISON…is name after the storm of the fires.”

I cant expect you to understand such nuances of labels and recipe technicians

4) Bikini Beer

I was hoping Evil Twin would walk into some patently sexist territory here based upon the caloric count of this overpriced second runnings beer, but alas, they were vetted ” Sour Bikini doesn’t make any sense at all, but hey, it’s just a fun name.” Sure, I am sure the female consumer base interpreted this in the exact way you intended.

3) Nomader Weisse

Get ready for this epic deconstruction of form and substance “Last year we made NOMADer Wit, a wheat beer, which is kinda like, “no matter what,” and this is the next one after that, that doesn’t really make as much sense, but whatever.” That’s right, they explained to Thrillist that they made a label that makes no sense but, who gives a shit, it just needs to sell, dont act like you stopped and thought about it.

2) Ryan and the Beaster Bunny

Oh wait wait, I got this one, it is a nod to Lewis Carrol and pedophilic- ” My wife came up with this one — Beaster Bunny was the fattest rabbit ever or something like that, in London, who got famous for being so fucking fat. ”

Ok nevermind. These labels not only cannot justify their prices but they seem to have been generated by a random text generator. Tell us next about your “Triple Cyborg Fingerer” roggenbier, surely it will justify the $13.99 price tag.

AND THE ONE YOU ALWAYS WONDERED ABOUT

EARTH EXPLANATION

1) Before, During, and After Christmas

This has to do with the duality of aging and the relentless press of Hegelian dialec- “This one was an IPA, and we released it all year round.”

OH. So it’s just….an ipa. Thank you Evil Twin. I look forward to your collaborations at the old Alesmith facility…please let me listen in on your intense creative writing sessions.

If any brewery needs me to fly out…hand you a homebrew recipe scaled up for hydrostatic pressure…with an unspinred marketing campaign/label…LMK

I hope you are ready for the hottest new trend: LUXURY BEERS. CNN MONEY HAS A SERIOUS SCOOP!

April 7, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

While you were out shivering in your Northface jacket in a line at Hill Farmstead to pick up your $50 bottle of Ann, CNN WAS DISCOVERING A HOT NEW EMERGING MARKET: Luxury beers. No, I don’t mean your lottery only, $50 barrel aged Dark Lord, I am talking about bottles of Guiness that can cost up to THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS, made with the same malts that choice whiskey distillers may extract sugars from prior to distillation: PURE LUXURY. THE FUTURE IS NOW.

All these needledick beer nerds lining up for not even luxurious beers, just lowbrow and pedestrain. That $15 KBBS isn’t even as luxury as the Game of Thrones beer which can cost UP TO TWENTY DOLLARS. I will allow you to get up out of your chair since that information likely knocked you the fuck out of it.

How expensive can these bottles get? How about so expensive that a CICERONE, the AUTHORITY ON BEER, hasn’t even heard of a beer that costs $35 prior to this. We are talking ultra limited brews here, that baller Guinness, a mere 90,000 bottles were produced. THAT’S EVEN LESS THAN BCBS. Think about that.

We are breaking new ground here, ground paved in supple calfskin. The cicerone even lets us know that some ultra regal libations are “aged in barrels for [like] a really long amount of time…conditioning periods.” Next time you are at a tasting and someone says “does anyone want to try the wine of the beer world?” You can damn sure expect that some ultra premium Maybach shit is about to go down, I am talking lambics that cost upwards of NINETY DOLLARS in a restaurant.

The future of opulence has arrived, time to ask for the raise you have been contemplating, unless you are content in your peasant-tier beverages, menial field tillage and lowbrow saisons that don’t even cost more than $30.

@averybrewingCo Announces Plans to Tap into Coveted Adolescent Consumer Market with Canned Peach Saison

January 29, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Pictured above, the beer that promises to take pre-teens by storm

Boulder, CO – Associated Press

In a bold display of panache and disregard for convention, Avery Brewing Company has announced that they will be brewing and canning “Perzik” a saison brewed with peaches. “Those self-entitled millenials are gonna eat this shit up,” boasted owner/brewmaster Adam Avery, “we have been trying to hit that Ask.FM, ABC family demographic for a while and I think this will finally put us squarely in the laps of teenage girls, er, so to speak.”

The beer is a traditional Belgian saison, that has then been pasteurized, with peach extract added, and then packaged in cans, all in line with traditional Wallonian farmhouse methods. The saison will be available at liquor stores near middle schools with commercials airing during the competitive time slots of “The Thundermans” and “Harvey Danger.”

With its target demographic clearly articulated, Avery has bold plans for 2015

“If you really wanna get preteens into saisons, you’re gonna have to start pumping that traditional rusticity into their brains at the crest of 6th grade, otherwise we lose the post-braces market to Dupont or some shit,” Avery noted while writing variations of his last name with different female names preceding it in a binder, “We are trying to stay competitive and put saisons ahead of the curve. If there aren’t cans of Perzik covertly stashed under princess beds next to Twilight novels, we have failed as a brewery.”

At press time Avery was experimenting with enrolling clearly middle aged brewers at local high schools to boost brand recognition internally. “We hope to stain those retainers with our farmhouse cultures before the fourth quarter grades come in and kids get suspended for the summer,” Avery noted sagely while taking several selfies to post to his Snapchat followers.

Blaugies Owner, Pierre-Alex Carlier expressed confusion when asked how Blaugies intended to intoxicate minors.

When reached for comment, Blaugies owner/brewmaster Pierre-Alex Carlier noted “for me, I am, how you say, not try to make children to be drink farmhouse. Is cause for much sadness, making the can, the peach, is travesty, drunken children in geometry class….is sadness to me.”

More details as they develop.

Area Grandfather Unaffected By Troegs Nugget Nectar Being Packaged in Cans

January 16, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Pittsburgh, PA (associated press)

Pittsburgh native, Hershel Worthington, age 81, was completely nonplussed by the breaking news that Troegs would be packaging their famous red ale, Nugget Nectar, in aluminum cans. According to onlookers, the octogenarian scarcely looked away from his syndicated episode of “Mike and Molly” when presented the news by his grandson, Chaz Worthington.

Worthington expressed disdain for the noise from the local trash trucks and couldn’t be bothered to concern himself with any nectar, nugget or otherwise

“Chaz was saying something about…there’s this red…its a red beer or some damn thing, and…Molly really got herself in a situation…mother in law coming over for dinner-” noted Hershel as he struggled with opening a Werther’s Original, “After Korea, I didn’t really touch the stuff, course in those days, you know every home had a photo of Ike in their home so…the idea of a Red beer, well…you can just…”

Troegs made the bold announcement last week that they intended on launching their iconic Red Ale in cans to corner the geriatric segment of the market and the coveted “fixed-income profits” attendant thereto. “Listen, one gamgam isn’t going to break us, we will stay the course,” stated Troegs owner, John Trogner, “we have been running ads during Matlock and the Rockford Files and we hope that their caregivers or whomever does their shopping will pick up a sixer of Nugget Nectar. We are currently working on an AARP discount to corner the market but, well I have already said too much.”

The local grandfather and Korean War veteran did not take so much as a glance up from his whittling when this logo was placed before him.

When presented an aluminum can of the hoppy libation, Worthington was said to have rolled it around in his weathered, liver-spotted palms before placing it next to his model train set. “Yeah…so Molly wants Mike to become a detective but…there’s a test…or some damn thing…” he noted while staring disdainfully at a group of Korean gentleman on the sidewalk, “so…this is a red ale? Do what now-”

At press time, Mr. Worthington reportedly was still completely unfazed by the silver object which had since made its way next to the case of Ensures. More details will be reported as this fast breaking story develops.

Lagunitas Brewing Company Steps Completely Over the Line By Using the Iconic Sierra Nevada Logo in their Newest IPA

January 15, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Amid controversy and flagrant disregard for copyright laws, Lagunitas Brewing Company released their newest offering, Hop Hunter, using Sierra Nevada’s logo front and center on the label.

They went 2 far

While you can clearly identify the beer as a Lagunitas offering due to the iconic IPA lettering, the Sierra Nevada trademark may cause substantial confusion for the average consumer. For the uninitiated, it may look as though Sierra Nevada has brewed their own “IPA” and as a result of this mix-up, customers may accidentally be hoodwinked into supporting a completely different brewery. While there are currently no cease and desist letters being issued by Sierra Nevada, a typically levelheaded company, this opens the door for several other breweries to begin using the Sierra Nevada logo on their own IPAs to drive up profit margins.

“There’s no question people know what Sierra Nevada is,” noted legal scholar Simon Jabronski, “the real dicey issue is when every brewery wants to start tossing ‘Sierra Nevada’ all over their packaging, when who knows who the actual brewer could be. The next thing you know, we could have more than one brewery using the letters “IPA” on their labels, which would be clearly unacceptable.” While generating a lawsuit may seem excessive over what would appears to be a completely trivial matter, stranger things have happened in the beer industry.

“Oh Sierra Nevada got all over my shit when I tried to pull that stunt,” lamented Jean Broillet IV, owner of Tired Hands Brewing Company in Ardmore, Pennsylvania, “those Chico fellas don’t mess around, you use their protected copyrighted logo on your own beer and all of a sudden, now you’re the asshole. Times have changed since the Charlie Papazian days, I will tell you that much.”

Sierra Nevada expressed disappointment at the recent Tired Hands releases, most notably their MS Paint skills

Adding a further layer to this legal morass is the fact that Lagunitas has chosen to use Sierra Nevada’s secret ingredient in their forthcoming IPA: hops. While the average consumer may not realize it, Sierra Nevada uses this esoteric plant as flavoring additive in several of their beers. If every brewery began using hops in their brewing process, it would be a huge blow to the iconic taste of Sierra Nevada, IPA or otherwise.

Lagunitas has brazenly announced their intentions to add plant matter to their beers in a matter not unlike iconic Sierra Nevada offerings.

The real victor in this fracas is InBev, who released the following statement: “while we do not currently know or understand what an IPA or HOPS are at this juncture, we are confident that we used them first and once this battle is decided, the prevailing party can look forward to endless legal battles from our Chelada legal department. We won’t rest until Budweiser releases Sierra Lagunitas IPA brewed with whatever this new plant is revealed to be.”

DDB will continue to provide more details as this legal struggle unfolds.

Duclaw Expands Distribution to North Carolina, Bottle Shops Buy Bottles of Endust in Preparation

January 14, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Duclaw has made a bold announcement that they will be sending their punitive libations to a new market: North Carolina. The iconic Maryland brewery that produces such classic wares as ANTI VENOM, BARE ASS BLONDE, CONSECRATION BROWN ALE(C&D forthcoming), MORGAZM, AND DIRTY LITTLE FREAK, intends to ship cases of bottles to the thriving new market. “With Foothill, Wicked Weed and Duck Rabbit doing so well, we were energized to send completely unrequested cases to needlessly consume shelf space indefinitely. It is all very exciting,” Duclaw owner, Dave Benfield noted with oddly self-deprecating sagacity, “I look forward to visiting these same IPAs in the months to come.”

DuClaw brewing looks forward to expanding into new markets.

The store employees in North Carolina are equally prepared for the new products as well. “Yeah, in preparation of these certainly immovable new bottles, we cleared out a nice spot for them in the corner, I mean why even bother,” local bottleshop owner Michael Walmsley lamented, “I stocked up on dust wipes and compressed air in anticipation of seeing those same bottles sitting on the shelf for the next three years.”

North Carolina bottle shop employees fully support their respective owners’ decisions to stock Duclaw items, knowing that they will be compelled to stare at them day in and day out, a constant reminder of their own mortality and enduring stasis at an unfulfilling job. “Yeah, I started giving the bottles individual names, I know that a rabid pit bull has a better chance of getting adopted than those bottles of Colossus, so might as well get cozy with them,” Walmsley noted, already wiping layers of dust from the caps, “I swear the dust is preemptively attracted to these bottles, I can barely keep up.”

At press time, additional cases of unsold Duclaw products were arriving not unlike the brooms carrying buckets in Fantasia. “Maybe I can make a little fort of all these cases and take a nap,” Walmsley mused with a longing for a future that could have been, free from immovable products crushing his soul in Sisyphean fashion.

dontdrinkbeer

Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

Tag Archives: beer news