While you were out shivering in your Northface jacket in a line at Hill Farmstead to pick up your $50 bottle of Ann, CNN WAS DISCOVERING A HOT NEW EMERGING MARKET: Luxury beers. No, I don’t mean your lottery only, $50 barrel aged Dark Lord, I am talking about bottles of Guiness that can cost up to THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS, made with the same malts that choice whiskey distillers may extract sugars from prior to distillation: PURE LUXURY. THE FUTURE IS NOW.
All these needledick beer nerds lining up for not even luxurious beers, just lowbrow and pedestrain. That $15 KBBS isn’t even as luxury as the Game of Thrones beer which can cost UP TO TWENTY DOLLARS. I will allow you to get up out of your chair since that information likely knocked you the fuck out of it.
How expensive can these bottles get? How about so expensive that a CICERONE, the AUTHORITY ON BEER, hasn’t even heard of a beer that costs $35 prior to this. We are talking ultra limited brews here, that baller Guinness, a mere 90,000 bottles were produced. THAT’S EVEN LESS THAN BCBS. Think about that.
We are breaking new ground here, ground paved in supple calfskin. The cicerone even lets us know that some ultra regal libations are “aged in barrels for [like] a really long amount of time…conditioning periods.” Next time you are at a tasting and someone says “does anyone want to try the wine of the beer world?” You can damn sure expect that some ultra premium Maybach shit is about to go down, I am talking lambics that cost upwards of NINETY DOLLARS in a restaurant.
The future of opulence has arrived, time to ask for the raise you have been contemplating, unless you are content in your peasant-tier beverages, menial field tillage and lowbrow saisons that don’t even cost more than $30.