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Let’s Review 11 Danky wax dab IPAs 420 g13 purple kush this shatter piece fire fam LOL 69

OH SHIT shout out to all the 8th graders who read DDB, u must b supr excited 4 2day!! (420 SUH DUUUEEEEE)  So in totally predictable fashion, let’s review 11 IPAs and get blunted on those volcano R00R gravity B hits, Skyler’s mom is out of town LOL what a bitch!

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Ah more random Texas ticks from Jase Hicks.  This was shockingly easy to crush and easily my favorite DIPA to enjoy in an elevator. The hop profile was like pulled weeds, smashed dandelion, and it was like they used 5x Saaz or some weird copious amount of low alpha acid hops in it.  It was easy to drink and had an almost european simplicity to the body akin to Kernel brewing.  Shit was deece.

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Luponic Distortion was world’s better than I was expecting.  The usual Firestone verve embraces this overly malty, old AF double jack bottles, questionably expensive, UK meets Warrior hops fetish that is not my jam.  I saw a glimmer of hope with Easy Jack, but I can even more easily Jack it to this.  This is so so dialed in that it reminds me more of a Julian Shrago Beachwood special with that freshly waxed pubis cleanliness, finishes without any oily drag or pine cone residuals.  The nose and taste are gemini warriors presenting lightly aserose evergreen, but switching to a mango pith meets grapefruit.  I am sure the hops are all like EXP-114302948, in their pre-codename phase,  so that’s like knowing a band before anyone else, a beer for HOPSTERS amirite.

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This beer from Russian isn’t an IPA but holy fuck was it horrible.  This may be the grossest misuse of the word “premium” in the history of the English language, or the slavic cultures take wide liberties with what a “premium” designation entails.  This is essentially Keystone Ice, with a full tablespoon of table sugar added.  So it has all the horrible corn and asparagus water you expect, with an underattenuated DME/Wort closer to ensure you will not be able to drink that much of it.  If you asked me to finish a bottle of this or watch Ride Alone 2 in its entirety, it would be a hard contemplated dilemma.

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Melvin brewing.  Fucking finally.  I wanted to try these guys a half decade ago when they were some undercover operation called Thai Me Up, and the wait did not disappoint.  In a great irony, waiting for their offerings almost made it all the sweeter because they are still operating in late 2000s type of execution while the hop battlefield rages on in other segments.  This is one of those TIPAs that are alllllmost as good as Pliny the Younger in both drinkability and nuance.  It is a beast to wrangle with a huge luponic blast of cut lumber, crushed yard trimmings, yucca plant, and a flowery finish akin to jasmine.  This is no fruit bomb, this is straight up sawed plywood with a lightly fusel ethanol closer.  The carb is frothy and works well with this borderline too excessive TIPA.  You absolutely should check this beer out if you love things that operate in the massive hopped realm.

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CRUSHIN CANS ON THE VENICE CANALS ELLLL AYYYYY LIFE BRUHHH. Nah but in all seriousness, I used to give Highland Park shit for their IPAs at the outset because they were toooooo fucking clean and attenuated, there was nothing left for those Ellis Island Oil Refugees to cling to.  This has markedly improved over the past year and their first canned offering shines amiably.  You get the incredibly thin body and corkboard drillability of their other offerings with the classic mosaic and citra one two rope a dope.  That hop combo almost seems like a cliche at this point, like industry buzzwords smashed together “NETWORKING SYNERGY” and shit.  But the beer itself is a gentle melon and cantaloupe with a ficus grass finish.  You don’t get the typical onion/chive thing that can occur with mosaic and you dont get the grapefruit pith from citra either, the whole thing feels refined and tasteful.  An incredible offering to have locally to be sure.

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Holy fucking marketing gimmicks ahoy.  El Segundo has been clipping along and ekeing out their mastery of SoCal hops for years now and despite this being what appears to be a clear cashgrab (Steve Austin opened these during the WWE Massive Tumble stepstool match or something) it is actually a very solid beer.  This is as predictable as it gets: citra, chinook, cascade, which reads something like “My fourth homebrew attempt, THIS ONE WILL BLOW UR MIND!”  Thankfully it has a restrained maltiness and allows those old staples to interact in a way that is one part shallot and baby kale, and another part tangerine slices dipped in vape oil.  This beer is fine, but El Segundo clearly brewed this with the intent to displace some Natty Ice for “fancy AA degree beers” in the HOP 3:16 marketing demographic.  Can’t wait for the Goldberg Spear Dortmunder.

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Of all the beers I am reviewing today: this beer is the fucking best.  Waldo’s Special Ale was a 4/20 exclusive, the Lagunitas answer to Pliny the Younger of sorts.  It boasts a massive abv, a gargantuan hop profile, and somehow reconciles those two into an incredible dynamic of lupulin, light heat, sticky danky resin like knife hits off the stove, and a looooonnnngggg tangelo finish.  It has that sort of Hopslam viscosity to it, which would be a drawback if it weren’t compeltely necessary to offset the seriously insane amount of hops going on here, you partially expect the substrate to separate out with how oily this is.  If they sell this in 6 packs, you should have to have a Cannabis card to purchase it because you will get fucking rekt quickly. This has a slightly offputting solvent sort of finish that is tempered by the sweetness, but looming over everything is this hoppy overseer with a pine/nuggy/redhair scimitar that closes like overripe grapefruit pith.  If you deny that TIPAs can be complex, I urge you to try this beast that is treading dangerously into the American Barleywine realm.  Try to find Waldo, then go back and look for his shoe and his cane and his books or Wizard Greybeard’s hops or whatever.

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Ah the classic MPA style.  I took an online course and got my MPA from Everest College, now look at me, I am a hop systems analyst. Hubert “M”PA by Melvin brewing is…fine. This is a largely forgettable, malty, sweet and king fir romp in the mid 2000s realm of “pale” ales.  It has this sort of crystal saccharine profile coupled with a not exceptionally drinkable hop character that may resonate with dudes who enjoy Nugget Nectar, but it was not my jam.

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These secret New Mexico gems began peeking in the old BA top 100 four years ago and they remain that paleolithic “missing link” between the west coast IPA and the current hopcake phenomenon that we are enduring.  In sum, this beer is nothing short of fucking amazing.  I rarely see these ISO’ed and I suspect anyone who gets distro from these guys just crushes these mercilessly. This reminds me so so much of the pre-acquisition Nelson with a light haze, that onion and garlic meets blast of orange and pineapple.  It is endlessly crushable and a complete treat every time that I have it.  I love the apricot coffeemate finish that lingers like gelato after the swallow.  This commands your attention and your life is incomplete until you try it, your Untappd hole remains Un…tapd.

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Oh shit throw a Glad bag full of used tampons into hype furnace: Toppling Goliath’s famed TIPA, King Sue.  To be honest, this is one of the least impressive beers within their already staggering catalog.  With even “boring” offerings like Golden Nugget and Pseudo Sue being so well done, this feels a touch imbalanced.  Waldo was a touch boozy, but this is lightly fusel without the charm of a Tool roadie in a headshop: there’s not enough dro nugs. This is lightly creamy but moreover finishes long and dry like sex on MDMA. You get the apricot and it is rolled in Glade plug in “forest rain” scent.  It is a big big hoppy beer, and it never is too sweet or cloying, but it just isn’t that FUN I suppose. How do you measure this odd variable? I could finish the bomber but I wouldn’t swipe right again on a second glass exactly.  Lightspeed is better and Sosus sweeps the leg and leaves this lumbering giant on its back by contrast.

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Let’s finish this massive review up with the shittiest of the Treehouse cans: Sap.  That is kinda like saying the Boxster is the shittiest in the Porsche lineup: people are still gonna be dripping from the waist down.  This boasts a solid blast of chinook and just came across as far less fruity, less substantial, less juice banging, and more of a gentle duraflame log from across the pond.  As a result this is exceptionally drinkable but it fails to really command your attention the way some of the other noteworthy Treehouse cans do.  This feels like the artistic cousin to La Crosse star, Julius.  I am all for diversity, and this is far from a bad beer, but for the cost of entry you can find local analogues without twisting your hop cones raw.

So in sum, there are diminishing returns in hoppy beers as local ultra fresh analogues have the capacity to stomp other IPAs.  On that note, the very few hoppy beasts that are coveted are that way for a reason and ultimately, those rise above the oily progeny and command those Fedex BUXXXX. Alright, grab a buddy and help me light this 6 foot ROOR, we are celebrating ARBITRARY HOLIDAYS CENTERED AROUND WEEEEEEED DDDUUUUUEEEE.

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Victory Vital IPA: That PA Supergiant is Checking the Vital Signs of the Hopgame

Oh Victory, what a tremulant history we have shared.  They are that entry level brewery that engages your interest, then you outgrow, but then you embrace again when you are done moralizing and giving a fuck.  Victory Brewing is kinda like that uncle who did sleight of hand magic and always invited you over to his studio apartment, but then later you found out it was because your uncle was on house arrest for petty theft.  Eventually you come full circle and realize your uncle is pretty kick ass, despite his larcenous trappings.

So Victory is hazarding a branding reboot of sorts, embracing their first canned offering, and bridging the gap to a more accessible consumer base from what I can gather.  I mean look at this shit:

Embedded adjectives like a TGI Fridays menu and shit.

Embedded adjectives like a TGI Fridays menu and shit.

I think we can agree that the marketing is dumber than a Rice Krispee Treat dildo.  But remember, this is appealing to the type of dude who says “WHEN WE GONNA GET YOU OUT ON THE BOAT” non-ironically. The official press statement boldly asks “WHAT IF WE LIVED IN A WORLD WITH ONLY ONE IPA CHOICE” so I am guessing this is some Fallout 4 dystopian future simulator IPA.

One thing you cant deny is a pretty fucking legit IPA 6 pack for $9.99.  That was the reason I loved DIRT WOLF but price alone cannot be Victory’s savior because Hop Ranch was a bag of pulverized chive and garlic nutsacks. So where does this one stack up between those two polar opposites? Eh, somewhere in between, falling closer to the Dirtwolf awesomeness.

The press release is fucking hilarious and makes me wish I wrote copy for this No Fear t-shirt designer turned beer mogul: “WHETHER YOU ARE LOOKING TO RELIEVE A STRESSFUL DAY, TOAST TO ONE OF LIFE’S MANY VICTORIES…REACH FOR THAT WHICH IS VITAL TO ALL FIVE SENSES IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD.” Go ice your boner down and continue reading.

So how does this taste? It appears to have subacriomial bursitis and a rotator cuff tear from patting itself on the back at release.  The look is admittedly awesome, that radiant hue with a touch of hay and light orange like when a Filipino dude decides that he would look good with bleached hair.

The nose follows suit and doesn’t go strict IBU overload and instead offers a pretty fulfilling with a sort of shallot and carmelized onion meets mango puree.  The waft is thin and has a touch of lemon hand soap to it that is forgivable because it ultimately comes across as refreshing rather than substantial in scope.

The taste is better than the nose and offers up a safe interplay between coniferous cones, yard trimmings, and grapefruit pith.  It has a clean fast finish that anomalously would work well in hot weather, and not as a late-Fall release but, I guess that’s fine? It doesn’t have any of the usual malty sweetness problems attendant to, let’s call it, PA’s bordering states. There is a lightly danky oiliness to the swallow that peaces out faster than when the professor says “attendance will not affect your grade.”

These labels. FFS. CLASS : ALE, +2 DPS TO ELEMENTALS, HOP ALIGNMENT: CITRUS DAMAGE

These labels. FFS.
CLASS : ALE, +2 DPS TO ELEMENTALS, HOP ALIGNMENT: CITRUS DAMAGE

So overall, this is welcome offering in a bar that probably is serving like SHIFT or some other shit, but I don’t see you reaching for this over your [insert smaller local superstar brewery.] It will raise the nationwide Grocery Store caliber of beers and act as a cool counterpoint to the likes of Lagunitas and Green Flash in that segment, but people who are drinking Societe or Columbus or Trillium will not be bothered by the spread of this ambitious upstart.

Buy a six pack, crush it, start accusing your children of things that they couldn’t possibly have been responsible for.

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Trillium Brewing Just Got 5 Hop Cones in the Source: Hot in those MA Streets

If you are like me, you are sick to your perineum of hearing about hoppy beers from the Northeast.  Every other week it’s some new whipped egg yolk looking DIPA pitched with London Ale III strain or something unclarified with tons of messy ropes like cum in a hot tub. I get it, everyone wants their own Huddy Trooper riff. Usually the coat tails are gripped so defiantly that it is hard to separate the cone from the chaff and the prospect of taking a fedex flyer on hoppy beers from across the continental U.S. is not an inviting prospect.

These Trillium beers though, God damn.

Without qualification I can say that these are absolutely worth your time and I would be shocked if your unknown local brewery crafting beers out of a revamped Red Robin on some shitty third owner brewpub system are making anything like this.

beers taste better bokehed

beers taste better bokehed

At the outset the innumerable list of hoppy beers from Trillium appear samey in execution,  but each shines in a distinct fashion. Melcher street is the more herbal and grassy companion on this Massachusetts stroll through dandelion fields.  This is a stern east coast response to the likes of Societe’s Pupil.  This pushes for angiosperms, conifers, and apricot on the closer.

trub a dub dub

trub a dub dub

No matter where you stand on the haze vs. isinglass debate, Melcher street tastes phenomenal and finishes creamy with a long sappy resin like a freshly stained deck. I can’t wait until someone with better distribution bites this style and does it marginally worse because I need this to be sitting on shelves, no courier intermediary needed.

the meringue whip

the meringue whip

Sleeper street is aptly named for much of the Trillium canon at this point.  Sure you see ISOs for these, but I usually wait for the galvanized steel of hoppy beers to cool before I go treading upon unproven paths. This beer is not as good as Melcher but it still shows a capacity for variety within even the style that doesn’t usually get praise for nuance or depth.  This has a kind of menthol and minty Sazerac 18 kind of woodiness going to it.  There is a leafy oiliness to the mid palate and it feels earthy but still wholly refreshing like a woodruff shot or a fernet branca spritzer.

poppin shots at them MA haters

poppin shots at them MA haters

So in sum, this is a throwback of sorts to the Hoptimum era of massively resinous IPAs but ensconced in the framework of the frothy turbidity of the modern era.  It’s like when Brendan Fraser emerges from the past in any one of his movies where he is a guy who is emerging from the past to adapt to new circumstances.  Pick one.

SHIT JUST GOT REAL

SHIT JUST GOT REAL

But is that DIPA game strong tho? A resounding affirming head nod shatters my c1 in this regard.  Upper Case is hands down my favorite offering from them and it heismans others squarely in the collarbone by taking the messy DIPA framework that HF Double Galaxy presented and presses it to an oddly refreshing realm.  Usually these are hardly what you would reach for when you seek satiation.

“We hear you guys are digging our hop forward beers…so we busted out another double IPA to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. UPPER CASE has a delicate, dry pilsner malt character with a smooth, soft, doughy mouthfeel from the raw wheat, oily hop resin which all serves as a canvas for this twice dry hopped 9% double IPA. Overipe mango, pineapple and passion fruit aromas leap out as the beer is poured. The impression of tropical fruit also takes the lead in the flavor which is layered further by white wine, pine resin and grapefruit zest. Hopped primarily with Mosaic with supporting roles played by Galaxy, Citra and Columbus. We figured there will be considerable interest, so brewed 3 batches!”

I mean, god damn it.  Sure this is not as balanced as the “perfect” DIPAs like Kern River Citra or HF Ephraim, but it is a novel entry into a sort of almost farmhouse meets ultra hopped 2 row realm.

just look ffs

just look ffs

I know your local realm has fresher, awesome DIPAs.  No one is contesting that, but it likely doesn’t have this guava and pine explosion, it doesn’t have this grapefruit puree pressed through autumnal foliage, the ride on mower sits absently longing for the grow season, and this beer is the reductio ad absurdum of those devices.  Absolutely top notch.

honorable mention

honorable mention

Not to appear one note: brewmaster Jack has been turning out some tasty beers as well.  I was not as huge a fan of this as the adamantium hard lineup from Trillium, but it is still very tasty.  You get grapefruit pith, mandarin oranges, pressed pineapple juice and a nice mineral clean finish without excessive oils.  If you have a MA guy, have him also toss some of this Brewmaster Jack action your way as the whole region seems to be in a hoppy arms race where only the consumer is the victor.

Get that deep cone pump, throbbing oils, zygotes straight tumescent at full bud.

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Guize Let’s Review Four Beers from Saint Archer before the Storage Wars Marathon Starts.

Like baseball, the beer world is a sphere with a tight orbit. Revolutions come and go, epochs arrive within the space of a year, and sunsets cascade endlessly like so many sliders strewn across the horizon. As a result, beer consumers are assholes with elephantine memories. If a beer was infected during the Bush administration, you’ll be damn sure someone who wasn’t even into craft beer at that time will be spouting petty epithets. LOL BC FLAT ABEY and Hellshire II amirite? You can even give full refunds for beers a and there will be some dumbass fresh out of undergrad who wants to still mention BURERY IS QC PROBLEM.

Montage Pale Kids

Montage Pale Kids

This is the culture we live in, petty mouthbreathers who don’t often forgive and even more rarely forget.

In the spirit, today I want to review some beers from a brewery that had a PR face plant earlier this year, to give them a fair shake and see if the product warrants overlooking some baseball comments. Full disclosure, I don’t even sports so I could give a shit less what stadiums peddle what beers at which huge arenas funded by public money then named after shitty corporations. I care about sugar water, not vicariously living through people in better shape than I am playing professional versions of elementary school recess diversions.. Just so we are on the same page.

Let’s review some shelfies today, for a change of pace:

that Bt1 glass, a ghost from the past.

that Bt1 glass, a ghost from the past.

St. Archer pale ale:

Ok get ready for your nutsack to detonate with a de novo beer of complete first impression. No way, a California ale strain with two row, cascade, simcoe and citra. I guess I can’t really fault a simple design since that is the archetype for a million pale ale iterations in closet carboys as we speak. The beer is admittedly pretty if not a touch dark in hue to my sensibilities, but maybe this is one of those beers that craves a can format. The nose is more aserose, chive, a bit of melon, and a waft of ride on lawn mower. Pretty standard affair with nothing discernibly bad or noteworthy either.

The taste is watery, a bit of sap and pine, some shallot and a chard finish. Nothing that will give you pause one way or another. At a certain point what the fuck do you really want? Should every pale be zombie dust and edward? Can’t we just stop arguing over finances and agree that your mother in law cannot stay with us? This beer is fine, you could do worse, or you could pay less and buy Lagunitas and be in materially unchanged position. Who gives a shit.

I drank this poolside to test the marketing on "normal" people and it was received with much fanfare. I am a jaded old hermit with long balls.

I drank this poolside to test the marketing on “normal” people and it was received with much fanfare. I am a jaded old hermit with long balls.

Regular Ass IPA

WELP, if you loved the pale ale, you will really love the slightly larger version with more rear passenger legroom. This is better than the pale because of the finish having a touch more malt to balance out the vegetal pale ale aspects and the mouthfeel isn’t a water park affair replete with splish, splash attendant thereto. In the most crowded craft beer segment, this offers up an offering safer than a Latter Day Saint using two condoms.

AN excellent beer for BOOM CUP, if you know what that is. U betr axe sumbuddy

AN excellent beer for BOOM CUP, if you know what that is. U betr axe sumbuddy

In a blind IPA tasting this will hit the dead median by courting palates with accessibility over originality. It is world’s better than Sam Adams ipas or New Belgium’s Ranger, but from a smaller craft segment it has a tough time actively competing against Pizza Port or Three Floyds’ comparable offerings. Again, nothing to avoid and a solid grocery store pick. Price point is there, product is there, what more do you want from DDb? We live in a world awash with choices, so why are you making out with your second cousin? SHE IS CLEARLY ON MOLLY.

Now things are heating up.

Now things are heating up.

Double ipa:

One thing that you begin to notice while working through the St Archer lineup in reverse ethanol content, lowest to highest, is that you see that they maintain that Three Floyd’s sort of existence where they shine the most in the upper registry. Their marketing and branding seems wholly focused on some fresh fun San Diegan experience but I don’t buy it. Like those gems Arctic Panzer Wolf, Deadnaught, and Space Station Middle Finger, their Dipas are where the tires meet the asphalt. The St. Archer double ipa takes the muted aspects from the regular ipa and ramps them up beautifully. The malts are still restrained and provide just enough volume for that hoppy internal combustion to occur. It is sappy, pithy, a nice sweetness to the middle body that underscores the pine and baby kale. The tropical fruits sit idly in the backseat asking how much longer, kicking the alpha acid seat making you wish you opted for those coney flip down monitors in your India pale Aledyssey. It almost seems massively out of place relative to the rest of their gentle catalog and its a shame you don’t see it being pushed nearly as hard as the sessionable offerings.  Typical.  Hide the best shit, pump the forgettable offerings aka that Fremont Brewing strategy.

shit gets real when that TB2.0 globe hits the scene.

shit gets real when that TB2.0 globe hits the scene.

Mosaic Ipa
Alright now to the logical conclusion of this “saint bigger is saint better” archetype. The mosaic ipa is a massive 9% Abv arsenal of cut grass, wheatgrass, lemon zest, cantaloupe, and cut firewood cords. This one is not just phenomenal within the subset of the St Archer catalog, it is great in the global sense relative to all other Dipas, mosaic or otherwise. I know you will do a spit take but hear me out. This is seriously awesome.

Part of me feels like they dropped the marketing ball once again in a major way. At first glance this looks like a mild riff on the existing ipa, but no, this is an altogether different beast. The mouthfeel coats substantially and burns off under the press of its own oily disposition. They really should have done a better job establishing that this is damn near on the rails to bring a triple ipa, not just some standard ipa. It feels weird lambasting a brewery for not doing a better job explaining why their shit is amazing, since most self aggrandizing marketing is laughably bad. But seriously, the average consumer has no idea what they are passing over, and how could they?  This is a hulking giant of alpha acid firepower that craves your oral embrace.

I know most Vermont dipshits think DIPAs need to look like Donald Duck orange juice to be good. settle down.

I know most Vermont dipshits think DIPAs need to look like Donald Duck orange juice to be good. settle down.

In sum, St Archer is silently creating some awesome beers and their marketing team needs to direct consumer attention to these very relevant developments. No one gives a shirtless uncle fuck about the blonde, or the innumerable predictable riffs on a california ale strain. If they are gonna make massive delicious beers like this mosaic (d)ipa, then sign me up for that and leave baseball and the low abv bullshit off my radar.

Tl;dr the mosaic is awesome so buy it, baseball isnt srs bznss.

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Math Nerds Get Stoked: Exponential Hoppiness, Puns Abound.

Flipping the Hoppy Factorial Script. Reducing Polynomials All Up in your Dome Piece.

As if there weren’t enough nerds already into beer, Pythagoream theorum barleywine.

Alpine Exponential Hoppiness, 11.314% abv, Triple IPA

A: nice apple juice color with a bit more darkness, lacing looks like Indian tapestry, nice cumulus head to it. Sick Sierpinski triangle triangle sort of head.

S: Amazing juiciness to the nose with cantaloupe, orange rind, grapefruit, freshly cut grass. A great hybrid between citrus and herbal dryness. It’s like you splashed Andre all over a whole foods. Sick cuvee bro.

Oh wait, a triple IPA with a huge hoppy character, hold on let me call science.

T: There is a faint tart note at the outset, a huge pinecone middle to it, and a mellow orange taste at the end. It looks like a parabola of taste values, graphed over a 3 second interval. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO THE INVERSE!

M: The mouthfeel is incredibly light and clean. This is definitely not a malt bomb and it is incredibly accomplished as a result. It makes me rap the keys on this keyboard balefully at the frustrating “brewery only” distribution of this beer. This ranks in the top 5 IPAs that I have ever had. It gently rubs shoulders with Ephraim and Dreadnaught with the utmost respect.

I want more of this but it comes out once a year. Halp.

D: If the other sections didn’t clench the “A” review, this certainly nails it on all fronts. This is more drinkable than any lager or “refreshing” wheat beer that I have ever had and it just performs on every level. The alcohol is a lurking ninja that strikes steadily removing your faculties one by one in artful ways. Bottle limits and unavailability are the natural predators of this base level of the beer food chain. That metaphor really didn’t put the applesauce on the pork chops so let me directly state that this is amazing and the average person is lucky that this treacherous beer remains elusive.

This beer is amazing. Darkwing Duck Amazing. Not Launchpad McQuack amazing.

Narrative: “Well well well, Mr. Jensen what do we have here in the bed of this raggedy old Toyota Tacoma? Let’s see, 1000w bulb, 32 temperature controlled pots, nitric fixated soil blends, and a series of 4 multiage fans. Quite the project we have here hm?” Spencer Jensen felt a single bead of sweat percolate on his brow. “It’s just. . .not what it looks like?” “Oh I am sure, looks like someone is about to become a botany major hm? A little science fair experiment?” Spencer blocked the door to his cellar and stammered out a series of incomprehensible excuses. “You see, my mom she enjoys gardening, but no, I mean well we all are starting a fruit garden but the soil, it isn’t quite ri-” Officer Worthington pushed past Spencer and proceeded down the cellar steps. “Oh yeah, great place for a fruit garden down here in this insulated ro-” The flashlight dragged across the floor to a massive lupus hop cone that appeared be aspirating. “WHAT THE-” A single centennial hop vine lashed across the room and entwined Officer Worthington, overpowering him. “NO EXPO! NO! LET HIM GO!” Sticky hop oils filled the room and dripped all over the officer’s clothing, making him smell like a 7th grade TOOL fan. “BURGGHHHHERHRH” Expo pulled the body into the center of the cone, grinding him into a sticky herbaceous pulp. Spencer Jensen had quite the secret to keep indeed.