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Batch 73 of Malt Couture is on draft, Old Money and Milkshakes

Old bank take young bank as @maltcoutureddb batch 73 goes on draft. Michael brings in a shocking @hillfarmstead stunner ☕️ Me and Stephen bring the oldest of currency 💴 👴 @dedollebrouwers shows up with a quad walker. We cover the controversial Key STONE @stonebrewing litigation and I take the boyz to the malt shop and pour some guava milkshake @tiredhandsbrewing down they throats. There’s a lot happening.

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Was This a Colossal Waste of Money: Four Roses 130th Anniversary

Alright do you have $320? Do you honestly not care about your hypothetical children? Good.

They didn’t earn PJ Mask tickets and can afford their own Montessori school. So let’s state up top, regular old four roses single barrel is verrrrry good. But let’s not be that flat Bill dipshit you went to highschool with acting like the RSX is the same as the new NSX. SaMe DisPlaCeMent type of nonsense. This 130th is for the type of 108 proof bottle that retails for $160 but realistically resells for $350. So that’s the realm we are sparring in.

This blend of 10/13/14/16 year casks has a floral nose like the OESK strain and a light mint meets jazz apple, more akin to the insides of a warm McDonalds pie bc the soft machine always broke.

With four roses you Walk into a bar as an equal and drink until you sublimate into nothing. It’s expensive But with this vibrant hot younger spice wrestling with a long lacquer finish. 130th is wearing a jade ring and a Moschino jacket with thrice invisaligned teeth. You have a disconnected boost mobile phone. Your short comings are shimmered in a calculated ombré dye along the rim of the glencairn. Drinking whiskey this good is leasing a life you can’t afford, but you get to inhabit for fleeting swallows.

Ultimately this feels like an odd hybrid between saz18 and Eagle rare 17 in that soft subtle nuanced way. Cinnamon and evergreen tummy rubs.

But honestly why are you in public in a flyers jersey striking at luxury liquid above your weight class. It’s the same reason guys with terrible credit scores finance mustang gt350s: liquid relevance. At a ten year Reunion everyone is so taught and presentational it is sad. By 20 years whats the point, let alone 130 years.

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Revolution VSOR is So Good That You Feel Worse Having Had It

It’s good and healthy to lay on your side and feel your stomach flesh roll lazily into your palm like a supple sourdough starter. VSOR is the recognition of your legacy of decadence. The intense rye and long pecan pie filling is akin to feeling the slick elasticity of your stretch marks. They are badges of your dietary shortcomings, a testament to unchecked indulgence.

And yet, when you taste that allspice and dusty praline character, regrets subside. This beer is for that guy you went to high school with who is now a small business owner who never left your hometown and inherited upper middle class wealth and poise with minimal effort by virtue of time. This is refinement aggrandized by way of least resistance.

This is not a showy Beer. It excels in stealth wealth. VSOR asks casually when ING pays dividends and shrugs it off noting “I’m waiting on something.” You suspect it hasn’t earned its place but that grace and poise, the gift of time and effortlessness, the ease of integration and position, heir apparent to the Sazerac18 crown: something is happening and you resent its majesty. The way VSOR performs is so gentle but magnificent that it is an affront to other brewers who actively need to try. The mallard kicking under a caramel current with a steadfast forest green cowl above water.

This beer is softer than VSOJ and doesn’t need the approval of BOSS ryeway. It’s too classy for that. It expresses cinnamon thrift store jean jackets and epithets like “buying a used car is buying someone else’s problems.” It makes you feel small and lesser by contrast. You feel worse having had this beer. While VSOR does equestrian on a caramel Hanoverian, you’re acutely aware that your family steals cable.

While VSOR glides at 120fps through life, you feel like a trash person and it accentuates your struggles. It’s so pillowy soft and the result of endless pulls of caramel saltwater taffy, while you were just denied an auto loan for a 2011 Chevy Sonic. You’re not as good as this beer, trace that finger along your supple stretch marks and confirm your flawed existence.

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American Solera Old Bendmaster Cannot Be Bargained with, Cannot Be Reasoned With

It’s liberating to lean against the cold shower tile and pop tiny imperfections on your thighs, that confirmation that you’re the aggregate of so many imperfect attributes. American Solera doesn’t relate to these moments of Toni Braxton vulnerability. Old Bendmaster, even less so. Chase Healey is the transmogrified sum of BANG energy drink, carved mahogany, and a garage stockpiled with 7.62x39mm ammo “just in case things get hairy.” There’s nothing gentle about this beer.

A barleywine from the fermenAutuer who rocked us half a decade ago with Bomb is not elegant. I like it for that reason. Modern beer marketing is elegant script labels and pithy attempts to stripmine the wine world for all its decades of making Gen X dipshits feel relevant with soaring prices. American Solera leans towards Rothko labels and 750cc fuel injectors. It’s oddly refreshing.

The beer is hefty and drinks akin to those 15+ thicccboiz, not a gentle DPS Tank with sea foam floors. It reminds me of Cream of Wheat with way too much middle brown sugar, comforting on sick days when you were going to do disposable things to the the dial up internet connection. The viscous body hammers hard like a Compaq keyboard, sheeting in decadent shame. It’s raisin and Sazerac to the swallow, smacking of pecan pie filling. Every aspect is so overdone that it is harmonious. It’s like how every dude with a terrible high school GPA bought a Dodge Challenger and you’re ok with that because there’s balance even in nature.

I killed the entire bottle and despite my cheeks flushing with Sugar Baby residue, I wanted more. It’s fascinating to watch American Solera continue to cover the spread and put Malty spirals into numbers when other companies are consolidating or taking consistent L’s. Let’s hope their success lends to widespread availability so they can submarine the secondary markets and change palates like the Fremonts and Revolutions in the past two years.

Here’s to life.

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Primitive Beer “And Now We Sparkle” is a compelling reason to hate Colorado

Where in the name of AmLam Gods did Primitive Brewing come from? Colorado is up to their usual tricks: not letting any of arguably the best beer in the nation leave their borders, secretly enjoying god tier Methoede Traditionale in hemp Patagonia microfleeces and Vibrams. Before we did our live show at Amalgam I had never even heard of Primitive. Eric the owner of Amalgam hands me a cardboard box of still AmLam and slaps the bag. It was really good, like Brett C martinellis, dead flat.

This beer is on a new level, just bought a new shovel. I had no idea that my casual Wednesday would involve something that reshaped the American Wild paradigm. “And Now We Sparkle” is a single barrel carbonated version of their regular, Michael Shannon flat perfomances. It is painfully good. This joins the canon of Floodland and Speciation and Odd Breed And Dweller on the Threshold that redefines what American “imitation” wilds are capable of.

The nose is a blast of canvas, thrift store boot section, garage twine, cut cardboard paper and popsicle sticks. It’s brett B and Drie for days. The taste has such fantastic integration of tangelo zest, orange pith, mealy overripe plum and soft Honeydew. The acidity has the restraint of a male ExCoGi performer. The drag is long and ropey but not in a sick pedio way, like nautical bindings. I killed the entire 750 instantly and wanted more which almost never happens, with anything.

I don’t have anything else to say, it’s that good. No need to hit the character limit. God damn, I hate you Colorado.

Also this goes live tomorrow and it is insane:

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Great Heights Brewing Bourbon Legend is a GABF Winner Worth Seeking Out

In the wake of GABF, some people scramble to seek out the 300+ medal winning beers to check the pulse of respective styles. Often the confluence of hypewater and award winners are two separate academic tracks, resulting in two different diplomas and educational bodies. Some winners are straight up confusing. There are times when I try medal winning beers and have no idea how a relic of history made it past so many palates to take home serious hardware in light of modern advances and changing customer demands. If you remember in 2012 when TAP IT brewing won gold for IPA, you know exactly what I am talking about. The styles least subject to the weathervane of capricious flatbrimmed palates tend to shine the brightest. Barelywine and oak aged beers in general are indestructible with a lineage miles long, so when Great Heights took home bronze for bourbon legend, I wanted to dip in that caramel Houston fondue. 

The beer itself is both historically on style and adds a flourish of modern casking to make it still feel relevant and delicious. This isn’t some tired BA Bigfoot hat trick, from which the children have long since moved on. It balances the year long Woodford Reserve cask with a clean, dialed in body with moderate carb so this silky Skor bar aspect at the outset. GABF medal winners usually excel in restraint and this beer is no exception. Instead of going super casked, or relying heavily on the English malts to massage out some creme brulee shell, it provides dark fruit leather and dates. It is very good and immune to the secondary market. 
The most impressive feat is that this feels lithe and nimble despite the ABV and complexity. A can is totally fitting for taking some blackout adventures out and about to punish the town with your presence, dripping in bourbon Rolos. Houstonjuice to the fullest. It could have a longer finish, the cask could be more pronounced, it is a touch almost too attenuated, but these are minor complaints. Boohoo my Civic Type R doesn’t come with a full sized spare.
This is excellent and a testament to the nuanced ability to merge old world precision with the American modern predilection for excess. Scrape those sticky pegs, pump the brown sugar NOS fogger system, crack my barleyblock wide open, but make it a daily driver. Finish a beer with 16 platos and youll have a festival hit that no one wants to drink outside of thimble format. Make it too hoppy and dry or “thin” and you will buck the instarone crowd who are as dismissive as the line for Austin BBQ is long. 
Bourbon Legend is the beer for your coworker obsessed with talking about how many Audible books he “read” this year, classically letting you know how if he could, he would not even own a car, hubris leaking while clutching resuable bags striding into Whole Foods confectionary aisle listening to non-fiction on Airpods. A person of taste and decorum that can be offputting in the subtelest way but the alternatives are far worse.