Top Five Beers to Drink on Cinco De Mayo if You Are an Ignorant Asshole

CINCO DE FUXXKIN MAYO.  Time to slam overpriced rebranded inbev products and make racist caricatures! OH AND SUPPORT MULTINATIONAL TEQUILA CONGLOMERATES LOL.

Everyone loves this day of the year, if only because Mexican culture has affected the average craft beer drinker in such a profound way, that the average dipshit cant be expected to know the history of the holiday.  Usually you will see microbreweries with lagers bearing faux-racist names pandering out some microaggressions, or stouts with cinnamon and chilis in them because LOL MOLE, THEY LIKE THAT AMIRITE.

Since the type of person who blows fat stacks on consumable items doesn’t have the time or means to pay legitimate homage to the holiday or understand its historical roots LET’S MAKE A LIST OF CRAFT BEERS TO CELEBRATE CINCO DE DRINKO WITH!!!!

1)  Hill Farmstead Ephraim

This has about as much to do with Mexican history as most of the shit I see

Fuck those DIPA hops from Vermont sure do allow me to pay solemn respect for the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French military forces on May 5, 1892, under the command of General Ignacio Zaragosa Seguin.  That massive ABV and citrus profile tastes so good when you erroneously call Cinco De Mayo “MEXICOS FOURTH OF JULY.”

2) Logsdon Peche n Brett

If you thought I would make a produce harvesting joke, think again, because that would denature the structural credibility of my own soap box

Massive farmhouse ales are always deliciously paired with Enchiritos, Crunchwrap Supremes, or some other food developed by YUM Foods that Mexican people do not actually eat.  This beer is 10% abv and you will slam it and totally forget that Mexico’s Independence Day is actually on September 16th, but you’re tryna holler at that Bolivian girl in the Maxi dress because Bolivia is like a Mexican city basically.

3) Troegs Splinter Blue

Knowing that you spent the same amount of money on a single stupid fucking beer than an undocumented landscaper makes in an entire week just bolsters the old self esteem, CHEERS TO YOUR EXCESS

Nothing says Cinco De Mayo like wildly expensive rare beers from Pennsylvania. I mean sure, Cinco De Mayo may not even be a national holiday in Mexco, but your life of privilege allows you to take the day off in Mexico’s honor.  Hell take two days off because those CORONA HANGOVERS AMIRITE? Don’t even act like you know where the state of Puebla is you geocentric dumbfuck.  If you drink enough of this you will inevitably ask a Hispanic person “Which kind of Mexican are you from?” and they will silently put up with your bullshit

4) Alpine Great Barleywine

After a long day of being paid crippling poverty wages for unskilled labor, pass the 15% abv barleywine already

From the time of Mexican Independence in 1821 to the time of this battle in 1862, México suffered numerous setbacks in its attempts to form a stable republic, and endured several incursions into its sovereignty as an independent nation. SO LETS GET FUKNNNN WASTED. Great is a solid ass beer to get you hella wasted, and provides enough liquid courage for you to put a pancho over your Hollister v neck and shake plastic maracas offensively… just before someone puts a large sombrero on your head so you seem outgoing and fun, not just some dipshit who is the manager of an Express for Men.  The best part about Alpine Great is that it might even get you wasted enough to think that putting a fake mustache on with mardi gras beads is acceptable. CINCO DE SUCCESS IF YOU ASK ME.

5) Literally any beer, you don’t honestly give a shit

It seriously doesn’t even matter

All that shit is made by Grupo Modelo. a huge ass factory in Mexico owned by Belgian-Brazilian company Inbev. It has 63% of the Mexican beer market and exports beer to most countries of the world. Its export brands include Corona, Modelo, Pacifico and a bunch of other shit.  It doesn’t really matter what you choose, you’re probably an asshole. Right about now someone will bring up Constellation Brands, and how in June 2013 the company, which formerly imported Corona and other Modelo brands to the United States, acquired the US rights to those brands as a part of an anti-trust settlement permitting Modelo’s acquisition by Inbev along with a brewery in Mexico. It now produces its own versions of those products for the US, with Modelo serving all other countries.

No one gives a shit. This beer blog is the section 8 housing of the internet.

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