2 HOT 4 THRILLIST: The Nine Types of Shitlords You See at Every Bottleshare

Man, people were fucking pissed that DDB content was published by Thrillist, DDB is getting called a sellout/child rapist/holocaust denier/lion murderer, everything under the sun.  In the interest of fairness, here is the 1100 word piece that Thrillist passed on, hopefully this listcream serves to alleviate some of those anal fissures caused by your feelings of entitlement to thousands of words of free content on a daily basis:

THE NINE TYPES OF SHITLORDS YOU SEE AT EVERY BOTTLESHARE

In the world of rare craft beer, there is a grinding undulating ritual that occurs amongst sticky neckbearded basement dwellers: the bottle share.  This ritual of iniquity used to be about meeting with friends who shared a common love for beer and opening them together.  Given the influx of new money to the world of craft beer, coupled with covetous dipshits and skyrocketing values of rare bottles, beer traders are now forced to unite and share the tiniest of pours with people they may not even like or know.  Tips will be mushed.  Space will be docked.  Since these vulgar proceedings are becoming de rigeur, it seems only fitting to chronicle the types of assholes you will see at a beer bottleshare, should you decide to debase yourself and attend one.

1)  The Moleskin Baller

Don’t even try to talk to this asshole.  This is the beer enthusiant who is obsessed with chronicling his life as a real time documentary instead of actually living it.  You will see his trilby gazing downwards, scribbling in a notebook pithy adjectives that no one cares about.  If you attempt to engage this introvert he will like mutter something about “monoculture saturation” and get back to his srs bznezz journal.  Don’t waste your time.

bottle clutching deviants

bottle clutching deviants

2) The Imaginary Badge Enthusiast

Some beer nerds break their cocks in half trying to earn badges on Untappd.  This dude pushes things to the limit with his self-aggrandizing app and will check in every single drop of beer that he tastes, even if it is a lukewarm meniscus, the single digit reviews will be forthcoming.  God forbid two of these dipshits sit next to one another at one time, the furious grinding of toasts and badge comparisons will resonate anechoic through your soul.

3)  The DSLR Dipshit

If you thought beer was about candid discussion or enjoying the company of others, then you will want to avoid captain Canon 70D at all costs.  This is the type of person who brings a lightbox to a tasting with multiple lenses acting like that shit is somehow socially acceptable.  Watch your elbows while pouring because this squatting misanthrope will be taking low angle high F-stop pics to make sure every bubble of that predictable ass carbonation is documented.  Because that’s what you want at an event where you get getting completely rekt, some officious Annie Leibovitz pushing a telescopic lens into your greasy red face saving every candid moment in 21mp and 4K HD video.

WHICH NUMBR R U THO

WHICH NUMBR R U THO

4) The Undergrad Johnny Come Lately

Inevitably at any bottle share someone will bring a beta casual friend who knows fuck all about beer. These people usually start off nice enough but after a couple pours, prepare yourself to hear all about some shitty smoked vienna lager that he had when he studied abroad. This person gets brassier as the night goes on and will ask a litany of questions to anyone within earshot.  If you feel like explaining what yeast is, how mashing works, what a lambic is, and listen to endless TRAPPIST anecdotes, feel free to sit next to this dude.

5) The Incredibly Tolerant Asian Girlfriend

At any share full of obese, red-faced, grimy manchildren, there will always be one incredibly forgiving Asian girlfriend with her arms folded. While grown men debate over sugarwater, she will endure on, quietly suffering the tired banter and quips from the shameful attendees.  At some point in the proceedings she will be subject to latent misogyny or condescension  from some cocksure guest who wants to feel relevant in his niche hobby.  She always knows as much or more about beer than most of the people at the party by virtue of being subjected to the constant prattling about barleywines on a daily basis. This person will remind you that bottleshares are the worst and that you should eat some Pirate’s Booty and leave this stupid hobby predicated on excess.

hot bitches at all my shares bruxellis

hot bitches at all my shares bruxellis

6)  Captain Categorical Statement

This guy will loudly provide his opinion on each and every beer before you even taste it.  You will be able to spot him in his brewery screen print t-shirt immediately.  This is the type of person who provides you with ordinal rankings of every beer in each style, extroverted to a fault.  Prepare for sweeping generalizations, absolutes, and contrarian banter from this type of dipshit.  Just nod when you hear him proclaim “SAISONS WITH BRETT IN THEM AREN’T REALLY SAISON” or “ALL BLACK IPAS SHOULD BE CALLED CASCADIAN DARK ALES” or “KING HENRY IS THE BEST BARLEYWINE THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE AND IT WILL NEVER BE MADE AGAIN.”  You dont need to know this guy.  He likely works at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car by day and this is all he has.  Just leave him alone.

7)  The Fermentation Revisionist

I hope you love living in the past, because if you sit next to this dude, it is all that you will be hearing about.  Just try taking a sip of this year’s vintage and prepare for this guy to spin some yarns about how LAST YEARS BATCH WAS MORE ATTENUATED or THE HEAD BREWER LEFT and THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE or THIS HAS FALLEN OFF SINCE I LAST HAD IT.  This is the real world equivalent of the high school cicerone who got injured and his palate was never able to go pro. God help you if you haven’t tried every single beer from the mid-90s onward, because this man will pepper you with references to beers you could never have tried, namely because you were 11 at the time.  Don’t engage this person, he is an endless beer wikipedia full to the brim of useless bullshit.

WILL THERE BE A SEAT AT THE TASTING FOR MY REAL DOLL? I dont want her to b jealus

WILL THERE BE A SEAT AT THE TASTING FOR MY REAL DOLL? I dont want her to b jealus

8) The ABV Obsessor

Invariably there will be someone new to craft beer whose sole barometer of quality is the alcohol by volume in a beer.  The WOOOO! Probability Index is off the charts with this one, and heaven help you if someone opens up an old ale.  First pumping will be forthcoming, with pithy phrases like “AT 13% ABV IS IT EVEN BEER AT THAT POINT! LOLOL!!!!” This is the party responsible for piss on and around the bathroom rug.

9)  The Designated Driver

This person will be subjected to the arrows of outrageous fortune and bear it grimly, sipping Perrier with gritted teeth. In the age of Uber, you probably wont be able to comprehend what type of person would put themselves through a bottleshare sober when you can barely tolerate these Fedex Ballers while shithouse drunk.  He is a figure of herculean strength and stoicism worthy of your reverence.  Again, don’t talk to him, your eyes are mirrored pools that reflect your own fun times, a grating reminder of his abstinence.  Don’t rub it in.

OH FUK Bottleshare badass detected ABORT

OH FUK Bottleshare badass detected ABORT

Don’t go to a bottleshare, ever.  No matter what they are opening, it is not worth it.  Take up Gundam models or Magic: the Gathering instead, craft beer is an undulating pit of disgusting sugary chest hair and you’re better off avoiding it altogether.

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3 thoughts on “2 HOT 4 THRILLIST: The Nine Types of Shitlords You See at Every Bottleshare

  1. This analysis makes no sense? Which one ranked highest? What about lowest? Did you score out each age of beer? Did folks prefer fresher even when blind? If you can’t provide even the simplest of data then what is the point of this article?

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