2

Irrelevant Brewery Releases Beer Brewed with Strange Ingredient, Attention Seeking Bullshit Ensues

Local unknown and subpar brewery from a heretofore undiscovered region has announced their bold plans to release a beer made with some attention seeking bullshit.  “We listened to the nonexistent consumers and went with our gut to generate press in the most petty way possible,” head brewer noted confidently, “some people may see this as a completely tactless ruse to generate buzz for our other substandard boring lineup of fortgettable offerings, BUT THEY CAN JUST WAIT AND SEE.”

This shitty brewery may intend to use these, it doesn't matter.

This shitty brewery may intend to use these, it doesn’t matter.

This local brewery previously serviced the people around their general vicinity with underattenuated riffs on a California ale strain, that is until Head Brewer discovered the wonderful potential of this stupid kitschy gimmic ingredient.  “Yeah at first everyone was like ‘that doesn’t belong in beer, you use that to cure meats with’ but we wont listen to them, our desire to receive undeserved attention is too great.  We are too innovative and ambitious to hold ourselves back,” Head Brewer noted while slicing up vile portions of the gelatinous ingredient, to be added during the boil and into the secondary.

They are just gonna put basically whatever into the fermenter, who gives a shit

They are just gonna put basically whatever into the fermenter, who gives a shit

Most local patrons had already assumed the Local Brewery had shut down before they attempted to launch this most pathetic of marketing ploys.  Already this forgettable nothing brewery is generating linkshares from Aunts and ignorant co-workers alike, each more shocked than the last to see what wacky things these beer people like.  “Yeah, I heard about this irrelevant shitwater that I will never try, I even heard about the nonstandard ingredient that they added.  I keep having to hear about this bullshit from everyone who knows that I enjoy beer, ” local Craft Beer connoisseur lamented, “every time some shithole brewery does this, the links come pouring in from friends and relatives who assume I am into this stupid shit.  It never fails.”

Could the shitty base beer involve this ingredient? It really doesn't fucking matter.

Could the shitty base beer involve this ingredient? It really doesn’t fucking matter.

At press time the Irrelevant Brewery stated its plans to press on despite objections from insular completely unknown protest groups. “We wouldn’t be where we are today if we listened to people telling us how to brew and we aren’t about to ratchet up the actual quality of our beer when we can just add obscure items to it.  Call it simple, but that’s just what we believe here at Unknown Irrelevant Until Yesterday Brew Works,” the formless anonymous brewer stated with a gleaming pride.

As long as stupid people continue to share the link, who give a fuck if they actually use these.

As long as stupid people continue to share the link, who give a fuck if they actually use these.

UPDATE: the link concerning the shitty attention seeking beer has now been forwarded over 1.2m times and Forgettable Brewery now plans both a 100x increase in production and a new offsite facility to serve its nonexistent customer base.

0

Upland Brewing Company Announces Bold New “Expectation Society”

Associated Press
Indianapolis, Indiana

Upland Brewing Company is no stranger to delivering consumers exactly what they want. From their celebrated diverse sour program replete with authentic lambics, nuanced fruited wilds, and universally celebrated Russian Imperial stout program: these Indiana brewers know how to satisfy the most demanding beer palate. Their new Secret Barrel Society is no exception:

http://uplandbeer.com/2015-secret-barrel-society-memberships/

Expectation Society also includes brick and mortar location to pick up purchased beers, for no extra charge.

Expectation Society also included brick and mortar location to pick up beers at, for no extra charge.

In an unprecedented move, early last week Upland announced a bold new secret society, only clandestinely made available to public on a website via press release. “Upland was formed by a glacier, that’s always been our motto, but we don’t intend on moving at a glacier’s pace, probably much faster even,” noted President Douglas Dayhoff after consulting an excel spreadsheet, “our sour program is definitely faster than a glacier.” We were allowed to tour the spacious Indianapolis facility where Dayhoff explained the innovative new program. “Everywhere in Indiana you hear people expecting things, in our brewpub you hear things like ‘I hope local home prices don’t continue to fall’ and ‘God I pray these Pacers get their shit together this year’ and that means one thing: Upland customers love expecting things,” Dayhoff noted as he slipped on a neoprene hazmat suit to enter the brushed aluminum Sour Containment Room, “you’re gonna wanna put the goggles on, the beer will burn your eyes even through the barrels.”

While surveying the intensely acidic potations slowly eating through the oak vessels, Dayhoff explained why hope was such a critical part of Upland’s business model, “we didn’t want to be like all those other breweries that accept upwards of $300 and then just give the consumer beer in return. Where’s the hope in that? Where is the romance? Sounds more like a transaction to me, and that simply is not the Upland way.” Upland’s business model has long been predicated on carnival games, raffles and parlor tricks. “We initially loved the idea of raffling off every beer needlessly, but then we started exploring retail models like throwing a ping pong ball into a fishbowl, knocking over Upland bottles with a softball, things of that nature, but they didn’t prove stable enough for a true reservation society.” Shortly after the polyurethane gloves began to bubble after handling some of Upland’s young lambic, we were led to the marketing strategy room. “What we ultimately decided to sell to the consumer, at the very fair price of $250.00, was the right to hope to be able to pay for a beer at a later date.”

Upland brewers hard at work crafting that authentic Pajontenland lambiek

Upland brewers hard at work crafting that authentic Pajontenland lambiek

The bold new strategy left many market analysts dumbfounded and perplexed that they had not thought of monetizing expectation based transactions earlier. “Now instead of entering a lottery or guessing the number of marbles in a jar to earn the right to buy an Upland beer, we cut that right out with a $250.00 membership which then allows you to give us money. It is exceedingly innovative and the perfect way to distribute our iconic ph2.0 libations to the public,” Dayhoff noted as he administered alkaline tablets to brewer, Pete Batule, as he lay on a cot with occupational GERD.

To ensure that the Upland consumer got the maximum amount of expectation per Expectation Society membership, they have guaranteed the right to pay for AT LEAST 100 Upland sour bottles with each membership. “It really wouldn’t surprise me if some people bought multiple memberships to ensure the right to pay Upland as much money as possible, Indiana residents are no dummies and love paying for the right to expect things,” Dayhoff nodded confidently while monitoring bright red litmus strips. “One red-faced patron Bloomington patron even asked me at our pub, ‘at least tell me I can come here to pick up the beers, please dont ship them, my home life is so sad I-‘ and I couldn’t help but feel for him, so every member will not be inconvenienced with having them shipped within the state to their doorstep, unlike some OTHER barrel programs.”

Nearing the end of the tour Dayhoff directed us to the gift shop and looked lovingly over the shelves of Upland branded merchandise, “this stuff practically sells itself I tell ya. Well I mean, it kinda does when we force the consumer to take it with their $250.00 membership, I mean look at this glass! That’s gotta be worth something right?” Dayhoff quipped and stared at the goblet for an uncomfortably long period of silence, brow furrowed.

"I will prolly buy a couple memberships for tradebait," noted local resident, Daniel Rosenbalm

“I will prolly buy a couple memberships for tradebait,” noted local resident, Daniel Rosenbalm

“One ex-employee noted that ‘Hey maybe actually sell the consumer some beer for upwards of three benjamins, I mean Upland is a brewery, right?’ and I mean, he was subsequently terminated for poor performance, but it got us to thinking. So in addition to the mountains of literally imaginary benefits already conferred, I also put this spicy little rider into the Expectation Society: ‘Other awesome events and benefits we decide to add on, spuriously and with adequately questionable notice, throughout the year for members.’ So if the first deluge of expectation and hope wasn’t enough, HANG ON COLTS FANS, a full year of mysterious hope COMPLETE WITH YOUR MEMBERSHIP!” Dayhoff noted walking around the parking lot, taking in the majesty of the local flora and fauna.

At the conclusion of the interview one employee slid a piece of paper into our hands which noted:

http://uplandbeer.com/about/secret-barrel-society/ ….. shhhhh”

and insisted that the society was of the utmost secrecy.

We will continue to update the consumer as more expectations become available.

6

Americans DO NOT brew Lambic, Most Belgians Do Not Either. Almost No One Brews Lambic, Ever.

As a United States citizen, it sickens me to see these American breweries attempting to capitalize on Belgian traditions with their bastardized takes on Belgian beers. American beers cannot, and will never be, lambic. Lambics are brewed in Belgium, specifically only within the Senne Valley. Any American brewery attempting to denature hundreds of years of culture by perpetuating the brewing style is nothing but complete disrespect and contrary to the hypothetical interests of generations past.

Such disrespect.

Such disrespect.

It is equally disrespectful for these ignoble North Americans to use the word “lambic style” on their labels. As though noting that a certain influence could somehow wash their hands of the clear impurity, they continue these actions with impunity. At the very least someone might stumble across the infinitely flawed Resurgam or Duck Duck Gooze and then somehow be made aware that lambic and gueuze exists. The problem here is that they will be done a complete disservice if they taste a 100/100 rated wild ale and then think that AMERICA somehow had anything to do with the brewing of that beer. IT IS NOT LAMBIC. Furthermore, the use of the term “sour” on the labels is a complete slap in the face of Belgian brewers who had been crafting sour beers for generations. The employment of any adjectives that notes a tart flavor profile should be looked at as highly circumspect as it clearly sets the brewing culture back hundreds of years to have them appropriating English descriptors pell mell. It should be about tradition.

Lambic is about honoring timeworn nostalgia and mouthwatering practices.

Lambic is about honoring timeworn nostalgia and mouthwatering practices.

Further, Belgian breweries need to focus not on only the Senne Valley, they need to remember the meteorological implications of that valley. The lambic tradition isn’t about the valley itself, but instead the lower cloud strata that distributes the wild microculture. A brewery merely cooling their wort in this valley doesn’t automatically guarantee it is authentic, let’s implement some standards here, for tradition sake. It seems in comport with the generations of lambic brewers that petri dish cultures be taken and analyzed under an electron microscope to ensure that the cell jackets and bacteria fall under a certified Belgian sheath. I can hardly imagine that the generations of Belgian brewers from the Reformation through the Gilded age would approve of calling a beer lambic without microbiobial verification. It is in comport with their wishes.

American breweries have been brewing "WILD ALES" for less than 50 years, who gives a shit about their flawed procedures?

American breweries have been brewing “WILD ALES” for less than 50 years, who gives a shit about their flawed procedures?

Another point of contention is how American brewers are freely identifying the fermented malt beverages that they are crafting as “BEER” just in front of god and everyone. I can hardly imagine that Sumerian brew masters would condone the use of the term based upon the bastardizing conditions in modern brewing. It is a complete violation of Ninkasi, the brewing goddess, and the wishes of the fertile crescent to just go around fermenting any old grain and calling it beer. American brewers have some serious balls setting forth these items in the stream of commerce without honoring traditional cuneiform pressings in clay tablets or a single sacrifice to Innana or Utu, it’s like, who the fuck do you even think you are?

Knowing time-honored Belgian brewing traditions is half the battle.

Knowing time-honored Belgian brewing traditions is half the battle.

I think I am qualified to speak for all generations past and historical cultures from a variety of regions when I say that American brewers need to stop their practices immediately. If I may continue to free-associate the desires of past generations: IT IS NOT WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED. I don’t care if you are crafting world class beverages according to the MODERN palate, it taints the commercial interests so coveted by past generations. I think we can all agree that American breweries have contributed next to nothing to furthering Beer Culture with their paltry facepalm worthy offerings. So the next time you sit down to enjoy a Timmerman’s Strawberry Lambic to taste that authentic sweet nectar, take a moment to think of all those North American ingrates subverting the proud heritage of lambic.

49

You Are Not a Brewer, You Are a Panhandler with a Kickstarter Account.

Here’s a general business tip to anyone looking to start a mediocre brewery in 2014: if the initial funding for your shitty project involves shaking an alms cup on the internet, your beers will probably taste like afterbirth. Consumers are dumb, beer drinkers are even dumber. Dipshits regularly pay hundreds of dollars for bottles of beer that have marginally worse analogs available off the shelf. Remember when I reviewed fucking Depuration? that should be proof enough that the craft beer world is full of cockstains without mountains of disposable income.

One thing about beer nerds though, they have excellently calibrated bullshit detectors. You may beguile them into paying $250.00 for a Reserve Society that promises 2 glasses and a plaque, but even the sloppiest mantits will not pony up money FOR BEER THAT DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING EXIST. Recently there have been ropes and ropes of precum turned out by “brewers” who promise eternal anal massages for pennies on the dollar and forthcoming ambrosial treats. If you saw one of these people on the street they would look like this:

Future master brewer at work

Future master brewer at work

Most of these smegma projects are two assholes with a 10 gal setup who have drank enough of their own shitty red ales to decide that they are now professional brewers. Wanking it in a garage every other Sunday doesn’t make you a professional, no one sees me putting up a Kickstarter to fund my Daredorm account. Most of the time the Kickstarter makes oblique promises that range from “one wish” to “potentially nothing.” Let’s say you had a raging hard cock to make sure Oregon City got some janky irish ales, DON’T YOU FECKING WORRY:

That’s right, for $500, you can DESIGN A BEER THAT MAY LIVE ON FOREVER (if all the permits and equipment and tap licenses and zoning permits and municipal compliance papers and merchandising rights are locked down: FOREVER.) Chances are, if you are letting random fucking people stumble in and start designing recipes, your shit is likely going to make Short’s Brewing look like a purist domain.

How about this, do you have fucking Alzheimers? Are you totally incapable of finding a bottle opener but need to get drunk to forget about that one night in Cinncinnati? OH SHIT AN APPLBEES MUG WITH AN OPENER BUILT INTO IT:

Next time when you wanna sip Framboos out of a clunky shitty plastic mug, YOU WONT NEED TO FIND ANYTHING TO GET THE CORK OU- oh. Shit. This technically isn’t from brewers, but I am sure it will make any virgin/Steelers fan happy.

If you donate $10,000 to my horrible anuswater startup you will receive one baby Pangolin.

If you donate $10,000 to my horrible anuswater startup you will receive one baby Pangolin.

Perhaps you want to see Colorado’s struggling beer scene finally get the legs that it so desperately needs. Maybe you read Jurassic Park one too many times and now draw erotic dinosaur fan fiction. Well these guys at Fossil Brewing have you covered:

If you donate $1,000.00 to them you get…TO NAME THEIR FERMENTER. I am not shitting you up the dick, you will ascend to a God-like level and be able to his the ultimate apotheosis in naming a huge aluminum cylinder. The woman that works at Chik-Fil-A has 5 dildos, each with a different name. For way less money you can name her next marital aid and feel good about helping people under the poverty line.

I was just gonna waste hundred of dollars on heroin this year but then I saw this dude IS GONNA MAKE BROWN ALES HOLY FUCK

I was just gonna waste hundred of dollars on heroin this year but then I saw this dude IS GONNA MAKE TRADITIONAL BROWN ALES HOLY FUCK

Maybe you didn’t read about it in the news but Phoenix is in a state of complete national emergency THERE IS NOWHERE TO PURCHASE A QUALITY CZECH LAGER. Co-eds from Tempe have been bussing in and sucking cocks just to land precious bottles of that rare libation. Have no fear, these guys are here to save the fucking day:

You may be thinking “wait, what qualifies these guys to take upwards of a G from me?” Uh well, a little something called “AWARDS” maybe youve heard of them? Unnamed awards from PLACES. Also, “[the brewer] showed up to a local Oktoberfest with a cinnamon sourdough concoction. His kegs were dry long before those of the local breweries surrounding him. People asked “Sourdough and cinnamon? Why?” His answer was simple: “Because I can.” It is with this tenacious “Because I can.” mentality that he approaches each and every brew.” BECAUSE IT IS ARIZONA SO FUCK YOU.

WAIT FUCK HOW MANY LOGO PINT GLASSES FOR YOUR IMAGINARY COMPANY DO I GET HANG ON I NEED TO SEE IF I CAN LIQUIDATE MY 401K REALLY QUICK

WAIT FUCK HOW MANY LOGO PINT GLASSES FOR YOUR IMAGINARY COMPANY DO I GET HANG ON I NEED TO SEE IF I CAN LIQUIDATE MY 401K REALLY QUICK

In summation, if you don’t have a legitimate business plan, real backers, financial acumen, a tested product, a consumer base that actually gives a fuck, unique beers that don’t rely on shitty adjuncts, and a proven track record beyond praise from your alcoholic/child molester uncle: you probably shouldn’t be opening a brewery. Get back to selling oranges by the freeway and dreaming of your TRIPEL ORANGE CREAM DREAMSICLE WITBIER AGED IN GRAND MARNIER BARRELS AND HONDURAN TEARS.

Post your favorite shitty kickstarter in the comments section.

2

InBev Shattering Buttholes: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THIS 25oz EXTRA OUNCE CAN

Time to bust out the berber carpet underwear and rub your dickhole raw, InBEV IS NOW MAKING 25 OUNCE CANS:

SCIENCE BITCH: check out the fucking ICE COLD EASY INDICATOR.  Now you know when your bomber+ is COLD ENUFF.

SCIENCE BITCH: check out the fucking ICE COLD EASY INDICATOR. Now you know when your bomber+ is cold enough to press to your child’s forehead after a savage beating.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been huddled around a Detroit trashcan fire under an overpass and the topic of tallboys comes up. Reggie “Scabies” Washington once sagely noted that the 24oz can was anomalously saddled in between a bomber and a 750ml bottle and we all nodded intently. Well InBev has decided to directly address this issue with AN EXTRA OUNCE. If your wife isn’t listening and wont stop nagging you during Duck Dynasty, that extra ounce will give you the extra courage you need to go silently sit in your cold garage and watch Dale Jr. highlight footage on a VHS tape.

With that extra drop of crisp drippings from rusted undercarriage, you can truly appreciate the nuances of beer “as clear and bright as mountain air.”

Not sure how to break it to the neighbors that you are a registered sex offender? Carve this pumpkin and sit on the porch with your 25oz can, they will figure it out.

Not sure how to break it to the neighbors that you are a registered sex offender? Carve this pumpkin and sit on the porch with your 25oz can, they will figure it out.

The common objection to this bold marketing move is “why not just 40’s?” The point is well taken and, once Busch figures out a 40 ounce can, you too will be the envy of the Child Protective Services counselling room when you bust open your tiny barrel of succor. Think of the applications, how many times have you gotten to that lukewarm, bitter drop of urethral runoff and thought “just when I had reached my immersion point of cornwater lager, now it is gone like a brief adjunct candle.” Fear not, the good times keep rolling for almost two whole extra sips.

Think about what you can do with two extra sips:
– a gaff take where you spit it out when someone tells a racist joke
– honor your fallen homie who died attempting to jump a snowmobile
– demonstrate to your child’s mother that you aren’t an alcoholic by dumping those last precious drops
– toss it in the face of some liberal complaining about your trophy buck festering on the lawn because hey, you’ll get around to cleaning it, how is that his business anyway?

Hot on the heels of shit that was interesting to 7th graders in 1998, Bud's crack marketing team can do no wrong!

Hot on the heels of shit that was interesting to 7th graders in 1998, Bud’s crack marketing team can do no wrong!

If your palate isn’t nuanced enough to pick out the opiates in escort urine, fear not, this “1 Extra Ounce” sized can will be coming for Budweiser, Bud Light, Rolling Rock, Busch Light, Natural Light, Michelob Ultra & Natty Daddy, Busch Ice, Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita, Lime-A-Rita & Bud Ice and others as well.

I can sit here all day and try and cajole you into letting Adolphus Busch fart in your mouth, or I can just let them sell you this modern marvel:

“It’s more than just a new can or some new packaging innovation. And it’s definitely more than just one more ounce of beer. It’s our way of saying “Thank You” to all the loyal Budweiser drinkers who reach for the King more than any other beer.” SOURCE: http://www.budweiser.com/en/us/content/king-of-beers/article/the-new-25-oz-budweiser-can

The best way to encourage moderation, is that extra ounce. No single innovation has done more for the beer community, past or present. DDB would like to extend a huge NO THANKS to breweries who insist on using labia clapping 750ml bottles. I want a beer, not some sorority party where we all hit one another with goose down pillows jumping on a bed and you can’t even really tell if we are legal in the first place, you know? The last time I brought a fancy big glass bottle somewhere, everyone at the wake acted like I was acting in poor taste: so fuck you craft brewers, thanks for no extra ounces.

3

I DONT HAVE READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS, but I do have opinions about Heady Topper

OH SHIT HUGE BREAKING NEWS ENTIRE CRAFT BEER WROLD TOTALLY CHANGES:

http://www.alchemistbeer.com/a-difficult-decision/

After a super difficult decision, the Cannery at Alchemist will no longer be selling Heady Topper at the cannery. Like if you show up, NO HEADY TOPPER. In what many are calling a bold gambit for the beer world, this ambitious brewery is taking their product and selling it to an intermediary (tentatively called a “STORE OWNER” for the time being, details developing.) Now from what eye witness accounts are reporting from standing outside the cannery, apparently the store keeper then has plans to RESELL the Heady Topper. The Alchemist is attempting to latch some Dead Hand control by suggesting a Retail Price, but what this likely means is the end of Heady Topper as we all know it.

Now I know the article claims “The good news is this will not affect our production levels” but what does that really mean? I know that when I was fired from the Nescafe production facility for masturbating in the breakroom, PRODUCTION NEVER WENT DOWN I JUST LOST MY JOB. Now Heady Topper appears to be completely gone. Who knows what these alleged “STORES” will be even doing with the cans? Are we given any assurances that the cans will even actually not be beer? I didn’t think so.

Pictured above: the public reels from Alchemist's incredibly selfish decision to not allow the public to trapse around their facility pell mell

Pictured above: the public reels from Alchemist’s incredibly selfish decision to not allow the public to trapse around their facility pell mell

It is a sad day in the beer world, to be sure. I had a series of pre-pre trades set up for brewery only releases for my ultra rare DIPA, now how does that sound, Veritas 12 for a STORE ONLY release? Vermont has essentially sank to Illinois levels of audacity. If anyone wants to do a store only for store only trade, looking to land some BCBS Coconut also, but that’s another post.

I think we can all agree that shutting down their industrial production facility is short sighted and a slight to the public. As a beer drinker, I am entitled to come and rummage through canning lines, nod pensively while hearing about brite tanks, and transpose dipshit homebrew questions to men working 14 hour days stirring wort. That’s my right. Now they just unilaterally take that away from the beer world, its like: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN HIDING ALCHEMIST? Suddenly a closed door policy, just like when I worked at the Nescafe facility. Beginning of the end, for sure. WHERE ARE WE EVEN SUPPOSED TO SELF GUIDED TOUR? Outside? Thanks for the HOPSpitality, amirite?

Pictured above: children of divorce due to Alchemist closure

Pictured above: children of divorce due to Alchemist closure

When reached for comment, marketing representative from Alchemist Brewing noted, “it is clear that people in Vermont have exceeding difficulties with reading comprehension. We will be offering weekend courses to instruct grown men with adult literacy, which apparently remains a challenge within the ambit of our fanbase. The classes will not be conducted in the brewpub.”

One onlooker, Walter Jeffries, called the Alchemist’s statement “a false concession, completely igneous and riparian,” and shook his head upon pretending to read it.

More details as they develop.

0

Local Online Beer Retailer Considers Completely Ruining Their Entire Fucking Site with Rare Beer Release

New York based online retailer, HalftimeBeverage is no stranger to the online beer racket. The site has provided quality craft beer wares and off-shelf items to customers for years without pause or interruption.

“We recently have begun contemplating completely fucking ruining our entire site with an online release,” noted site Administrator, Sanjay Singh, “things have just been going way too smoothely lately. It is time to bait our overweight nationwide audience with a small cache of “rare” beers.”

Pictured above: theoretical photo of a woman wasting hours online attempting to buy beer.

Pictured above: theoretical photo of a woman wasting hours online attempting to buy beer.

Mr. Singh is no stranger to the beer game himself and has assisted with the administration of Halftimebeverages since the site’s inception. “We once sold Brooklyn Black OPs online and our servers hit 82% capacity” he commented as he took a long pull from a Capri Sun, “we were shocked, I mean, have you tasted that garbage?”

The halls of HalftimeBeverage are busy with people walking to and from meetings concerning the forthcoming site crash. “We have about 2 cases of Goose Island Juliet, that’s pretty rare right?” one HTB intern inquired as the hushed meeting. “What we are looking to do is boost traffic to the site, sell bottles online to a number of people with orders we cannot possible fulfill and ultimately disappoint the fuck out of our customer base,” explained CFO of HalftimeBeverages, James Chalmbers “if we aren’t getting 404 errors for at least 5 hours after the sale, we have done something seriously wrong.”

Devin Millings is one such craft beer afficionado who plans to contribute to the crashing the complete destruction of the online retailer. “I don’t like standing in lines, plus I can keep WoW on my split monitor support while I push f5 repeatedly,” Millings noted while pushing fistfulls of Combos into his unkempt gullet, “I just want that Juliet, I bet it’s so fucking good. We don’t get that in Louisiana so it’s so rare. Mmm wow, I can almost already taste it.”

Servers are projected to be "completely fucked" for at least 2 weeks after the publicity stunt.

Servers are projected to be “completely fucked” for at least 2 weeks after the forthcoming publicity stunt.

Online marketing strategist Jacob Walmsly explained the publicity stunt succinctly, “what you do is post beers that people will want, and then disappoint the shit out of them. You get to spend weeks fielding complaints from angry consumers with zero stake in your company, remap your servers, make off-shelf beers seem rare, and altogether provide almost zero service to your customers. It really is a win-win for all parties involved.” Walmsly then drew a series of unlabeled Venn Diagrams to illustrate his opaque point.

“I don’t want to trade beers, that’s for losers” Millings observed, “if I can buy a marked up bottle online and show it to my homebrew club, then they will respect me. I have a Dunkelweissen brewi-” Millings noted as he rummaged through a bin of old Wizard magazines searching for a recipe that was unlocated at press time.

“At the end of the day, we want our server to crash and we are looking to disappoint a lot of people,” Chalmbers stated, “it makes us look relevant to a community of beer aficionados who don’t know what the fuck they are doing. Everyone wins.”

At the conclusion of the meeting, QC manager Michael Washinton inspected the three cases of Goose Island Gillian to be sold online, “all 36 bottles present and accounted for. If I were a dipshit with no Fedex account, I would be really excited to press F5 for 90 minutes and received nothing. Super excited.”