If you know anything about recipe engineers and gourmand specialists without “BRICK AND MORTAR” breweries per se, they need to take out substantial health insurance policies for patting themselves on the backs so vigorously. A torn rotator cuff is expensive and subacromial bursitis related to drafting a beer recipe on paper and having little to no engagement to actually creating it can cause serious health effects.
So imagine Jeppe’s elation when clickbait mogul THRILLIST asked them to wax philosophical about the labels that they designed for the recipes that they designed that were brewed by other people. If you are already wiping the perspirsation from your brow I don’t blame you, being a flavor technician is hard work. Without further ado here is the article on THRILLIST unironically presented:
14) Christmas Eve in a New York Hotel Room
Man I bet you loved typing this one into untappd and just wondered WHAT COULD HAVE INSPIRED IT. I bet it was an obscure passage from a Don Delillo book, or wait, some Noam Chomsky analysis, wait, here it comes “I decided I would never make a Christmas beer. But then I changed my mind, and made a stout that has nothing to do with Christmas, just to make fun of it. I actually spent Christmas Eve in a New York hotel room before I moved here, and we ate Thai food” OH SHIT ULTRA TROL. Wow, that lengthy needlessly wordy title was just…”I was here when on this holiday, Americans are fucking stupid.” Nice, take my $18.99 for this underwhelming nonbarrel aged beer. No please, enjoy your mediocre scores and then brag about the label, we need to know about it.
13) Wet Dream
Holy fuck the Danish are known for cleverness, land of poets and prosiac dreamers, listen to the explanation for this nocturnal emission: “we had the idea to make a brown ale with coffee, and explained in an email how it would taste, because of the rosiness playing with the coffee, and said, “doesn’t that sound like a wet dream?” So we called it Wet Dream.” Nice because no one else had ever had the idea of adding coffee to a brown ale, such ejaculations. The depth, it is like analyzing a Thomas Pynchon novel.
12) Biscotti Break
Oh fuck hold on to your hats for this epic breakdown “we tried to replicate a biscotti, and used almond, coffee, and vanilla. And that’s pretty much it. Why it’s called Break, it’s like a play on the coffee break,” I would have needed to download the Criterion collection to crack that srs code.
11) Ryan and the Gosling “it’s a play on Ryan and the Beaster Bunny, and Ryan Gosling. But we didn’t want to call it Ryan Gosling, because we didn’t want to get sued or some shit, so we changed it out a little bit.” Alright so you wanted to illegally appropriate a celebrity likeness but also reference Chad from Crooked Stave, BEASTER BUNNY was the next likely move, top 10/10 to the copy editors, we all got that. The beer could have been called CHAD AND THE SAND WORMS FROM BEETLEJUICE and no one would have given a single fuck.
You think they know what the fuck Star Fox is? Wrong, some other uninspired shit “Falco is because it’s based on a hop blend called Falconer’s Flight” ohhhh fuuuuu- that’s literally it. Shortening the name of a single hop blend. Evil Twin gets paid for this shit.
9) Spicy Nachos
” Ed Westbrook owns Westbrook Brewing Company, he’s a very good friend of mine, and we make a lot of beers down there. Ed’s wife calls him Spicy Nachos, and it is so fucking weird, and we tried to figure out why, but they will not tell us.” So surely you make a completely different beer not like…totally centered around his…you put cheese and jalapeno in this didnt you? FUCK. “But then it’s actually spicy nachos beer, made with corn and jalapeños,” Somewhere there is a Nissan GTR peeling out fueled by South Carolina dipshits.
8) Even More Jesus
Surely this has a biblical verve, it can’t just be some uninspired riff like the other- “I wrote, “Jesus, this is expensive.” And then I did another one, and it was even more expensive, and wrote, “even more Jesus.” Ok. So you literally made a label laughing at how much you could charge 12 Percent customers for a beer brewed by other people, distributed by other people, then clinking glasses at how much they would pay, it’s serious Denmark Gatsby shit.
7) Hipster Ale
This has to be a self-referential beer where you donate to a specific charity or you use a vegan and gluten recipe- wait what’s that? ” I wasn’t sure if hipsters would find it too ironic, too self-reflexive, so they wouldn’t drink it, but I didn’t give a shit. If it worked, it worked, and if it didn’t, it didn’t. But it worked! We sell a shitload of that stuff.” it was literally just another marketing plot to enact upon the beer community? Nice. Consistency in batches is key.
6) Justin Blabaer
Not only does this hilarious beer infringe upon one of the most sought out beers from Cantillon ever made but LOL OMG WHAT IF IT WAS NAEMED LIKE THE SAEM. Surely that wouldn’t cause any problems- ” [we] kinda forgot about the beer sitting in these barrels at this brewery in Denmark. But then it came over and it’s like, time to make a name. It’s a play on, of course, Justin Bieber, and it’s made with blueberries, the Danish word for which is “blåbær,” and when Americans say it, it kinda sounds like “Bieber.” Also I just wanted to make fun of that dude.” So its a neglected berliner, with neglected fruits, sold for top dollar, using the same goodwill generated from one of the top lambic producers in the world LOL SO FUNY.
5) Molotov Cocktail
This has to have some social consciousness given the incendiary nature of the ” It’s 13%, it’s crazy hoppy, it’s going to be way too hoppy. And a Molotov cocktail is fucking explosive in so many ways, and so unbalanced, and it’s just a cool name. And when you drink it, if you don’t like it, you kinda can’t complain about the taste” Wait what. So you just added dextrose and a long boil and shrugged your shoulders like “LOL CANT COMPLAIN BECAUSE LOOK AT LABEL, is MOLOTOV!” That’s the type of shit an Eastern European hostel would pull. So making that label indemnifies you from taste complaints? If only more recipe masters embraced this novel approach “CANNOT COMPLAIN ABOUT FIRESTORM SAISON…is name after the storm of the fires.”
4) Bikini Beer
I was hoping Evil Twin would walk into some patently sexist territory here based upon the caloric count of this overpriced second runnings beer, but alas, they were vetted ” Sour Bikini doesn’t make any sense at all, but hey, it’s just a fun name.” Sure, I am sure the female consumer base interpreted this in the exact way you intended.
3) Nomader Weisse
Get ready for this epic deconstruction of form and substance “Last year we made NOMADer Wit, a wheat beer, which is kinda like, “no matter what,” and this is the next one after that, that doesn’t really make as much sense, but whatever.” That’s right, they explained to Thrillist that they made a label that makes no sense but, who gives a shit, it just needs to sell, dont act like you stopped and thought about it.
2) Ryan and the Beaster Bunny
Oh wait wait, I got this one, it is a nod to Lewis Carrol and pedophilic- ” My wife came up with this one — Beaster Bunny was the fattest rabbit ever or something like that, in London, who got famous for being so fucking fat. ”
Ok nevermind. These labels not only cannot justify their prices but they seem to have been generated by a random text generator. Tell us next about your “Triple Cyborg Fingerer” roggenbier, surely it will justify the $13.99 price tag.
AND THE ONE YOU ALWAYS WONDERED ABOUT
1) Before, During, and After Christmas
This has to do with the duality of aging and the relentless press of Hegelian dialec- “This one was an IPA, and we released it all year round.”
OH. So it’s just….an ipa. Thank you Evil Twin. I look forward to your collaborations at the old Alesmith facility…please let me listen in on your intense creative writing sessions.