Top Five Beers to Drink on Cinco De Mayo if You Are an Ignorant Asshole

CINCO DE FUXXKIN MAYO.  Time to slam overpriced rebranded inbev products and make racist caricatures! OH AND SUPPORT MULTINATIONAL TEQUILA CONGLOMERATES LOL.

Everyone loves this day of the year, if only because Mexican culture has affected the average craft beer drinker in such a profound way, that the average dipshit cant be expected to know the history of the holiday.  Usually you will see microbreweries with lagers bearing faux-racist names pandering out some microaggressions, or stouts with cinnamon and chilis in them because LOL MOLE, THEY LIKE THAT AMIRITE.

Since the type of person who blows fat stacks on consumable items doesn’t have the time or means to pay legitimate homage to the holiday or understand its historical roots LET’S MAKE A LIST OF CRAFT BEERS TO CELEBRATE CINCO DE DRINKO WITH!!!!

1)  Hill Farmstead Ephraim


This has about as much to do with Mexican history as most of the shit I see

Fuck those DIPA hops from Vermont sure do allow me to pay solemn respect for the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French military forces on May 5, 1892, under the command of General Ignacio Zaragosa Seguin.  That massive ABV and citrus profile tastes so good when you erroneously call Cinco De Mayo “MEXICOS FOURTH OF JULY.”

2) Logsdon Peche n Brett


If you thought I would make a produce harvesting joke, think again, because that would denature the structural credibility of my own soap box

Massive farmhouse ales are always deliciously paired with Enchiritos, Crunchwrap Supremes, or some other food developed by YUM Foods that Mexican people do not actually eat.  This beer is 10% abv and you will slam it and totally forget that Mexico’s Independence Day is actually on September 16th, but you’re tryna holler at that Bolivian girl in the Maxi dress because Bolivia is like a Mexican city basically.

3) Troegs Splinter Blue


Knowing that you spent the same amount of money on a single stupid fucking beer than an undocumented landscaper makes in an entire week just bolsters the old self esteem, CHEERS TO YOUR EXCESS

Nothing says Cinco De Mayo like wildly expensive rare beers from Pennsylvania. I mean sure, Cinco De Mayo may not even be a national holiday in Mexco, but your life of privilege allows you to take the day off in Mexico’s honor.  Hell take two days off because those CORONA HANGOVERS AMIRITE? Don’t even act like you know where the state of Puebla is you geocentric dumbfuck.  If you drink enough of this you will inevitably ask a Hispanic person “Which kind of Mexican are you from?” and they will silently put up with your bullshit

4) Alpine Great Barleywine


After a long day of being paid crippling poverty wages for unskilled labor, pass the 15% abv barleywine already

From the time of Mexican Independence in 1821 to the time of this battle in 1862, México suffered numerous setbacks in its attempts to form a stable republic, and endured several incursions into its sovereignty as an independent nation. SO LETS GET FUKNNNN WASTED. Great is a solid ass beer to get you hella wasted, and provides enough liquid courage for you to put a pancho over your Hollister v neck and shake plastic maracas offensively… just before someone puts a large sombrero on your head so you seem outgoing and fun, not just some dipshit who is the manager of an Express for Men.  The best part about Alpine Great is that it might even get you wasted enough to think that putting a fake mustache on with mardi gras beads is acceptable. CINCO DE SUCCESS IF YOU ASK ME.

5) Literally any beer, you don’t honestly give a shit


It seriously doesn’t even matter

All that shit is made by Grupo Modelo. a huge ass factory in Mexico owned by Belgian-Brazilian company Inbev. It has 63% of the Mexican beer market and exports beer to most countries of the world. Its export brands include Corona, Modelo, Pacifico and a bunch of other shit.  It doesn’t really matter what you choose, you’re probably an asshole. Right about now someone will bring up Constellation Brands, and how in June 2013 the company, which formerly imported Corona and other Modelo brands to the United States, acquired the US rights to those brands as a part of an anti-trust settlement permitting Modelo’s acquisition by Inbev along with a brewery in Mexico. It now produces its own versions of those products for the US, with Modelo serving all other countries.

No one gives a shit. This beer blog is the section 8 housing of the internet.


@westbrookbeer 2014 Barrel Aged Mexican Cake Set: IT’S A MEXICAN STANDOFF.

Last year people lost their fucking minds when these barrel aged releases dropped.  The inevitable comparisons to BA Huna flew left and right, people did predictable shit like asking for CCK and Blauw, and the bottle counts were in the hilariously low Floridian range, 200-300 each variant.

If you are new to the game, here you go:


TL;DR, in a huge upset, the apple brandy wasn’t the best, it wasn’t even second.  Jack Daniels was the best and everyone smiled khaki stained grins and felt content with the 1700 calories they just drank.  BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS YEAR?

Take a trip to Mexico by way of South Carolina, who incidentally, dont approve of Mexicans being in this country.

Take a trip to Mexico by way of South Carolina, who incidentally, dont approve of Mexicans being in this country.

So this year we have Four Roses (bourbon) Tequila and Double Barrel treatments.  Let’s just get right into this horchata gang bang already.

Let’s say this at the outset: they all look like Mexican cake.  Big surprise, can we move on and obviate the need for me to craft the same tired similes to obfuscated liquids? ALRIGHT GOOD.

Thank God they didn't name this North Korean Cake, this release might not have even happened.

Thank God they didn’t name this North Korean Cake, this release might not have even happened.

Third Place:

Four Roses Bourbon Treatment

I came in this year a touch wiser and placed my chips on this old standby to perform in a manner akin to the Jack Daniels treatment.  BOY, do I have some growing up to do.  This was simply too sweet and the bourbon profile didn’t mesh well with all the cinnamon and additions to the beer.  It was anomalous because the oak and dryness of Jack Daniels worked so well, but who knows maybe they had ultra saturate barrels? I AM JUST HERE TO SPECULATE.  It was easily the hottest and for 10.5% abv, shit was almost cloying on the nose with ethanol and fusel notes. Having hit my old 4R spot a few times I welcomed a spicy rye grain profile, instead it was a musky cinnamon bomb with cloying sweetness like a churro.  It was by no means bad, but with so many BA mexican beers out there these days, adjuncts falling out of their loose pink socks, you can do far better and give up far less.

"THAT GUY LANDED ALL THE MEXICAN CAKES!? He must be so cool in real life-"

“THAT GUY LANDED ALL THE MEXICAN CAKES!? He must be so cool in real life-“

Second Place:

Double Barrel Treatment

Alright so everyone talks about double BALs these days, but some people grew up under power lines or subjected to New Jersey public school systems.  Double barrel means it was casked in a barrel for a period of time, then racked entirely to a SECOND barrel.  It doesn’t mean you blended two different barrels together like some kinda slackjawed asshole.  This beer was aged 12 months in bourbon and rye whiskey barrels from Pritchard’s distillery. I don’t know if that means the former or the latter.  With such an overlap in the treatments, it really doesn’t matter.  However, I suspect this is more of a grand cru blend because it didn’t have that classic oxidized, flat, seemingly increased viscosity that double barrel treatments usually generate (DBH, DBD, etc.) No one gives a shit, just call it whatever generates them chubs.

This is a nice medium between the two variants, perfect balance of sweetness but intricate depth.  The chili and cinnamon doesn’t dominate, in a stout with THIS MANY POST-BOIL THINGS OCCURRING being focused and not sloppy in one respect is a brewing miracle.  This would outright be the best if the remaining deviant wasn’t so damn good and flat out interesting.  The alcohol is well integrated, the peppers show up as a cameo on the mid palate and never overstay their welcome and the barrel profile supports more than dominates.  Really tasty through and through.

With the right amount of additions, anything can become a top-tier gentleman's beverage

With the right amount of additions, anything can become a top-tier gentleman’s beverage


This beer is fucking phenomenal and easily the best of the Mexican Cakes made to date.  Usually, when I hear about a Tequila BA offering, it’s from Mikkeller or something and invariably will be raw, scratchy, HSV of the palate.  Nothing could be further from that result in this instance.  The tequila integrates flawless with the cinnamon, tames the sweetness and ratchets back the heat of the peppers.  It is like a beautiful Mexican Mr. Holland conducting a cascading symphonic opus.  The alcohol is imperceptible and this knocks out all of the other BA Huna variants even, with the exception of the untouchable apple brandy.  Whatever you have to give up for this single variant, disregard all else and get it.  They crushed it out of the park with this and set a benchmark for this increasingly crowded segment.

So there you have it, what’s that? Rank them globally? Alright, sheesh:

6. Four Roses Barrel

5. Apple Brandy

4. Wine Barrel

3. Double Barrel

2. Jack Daniels Barrel

1.  Tequila Barrel.

Don’t act like you serious care about this petty nonsense.  You’re still crying about how Pirate Bay got shut down, real srs life problems.