0

Area Man Enjoys Local Brewery, Believes it to be the Best in the World

SPOKANE, WA

Associated Fermentation Press

Billingsly delivering his earth-shattering announcement

Billingsly delivering his earth-shattering announcement

Area Spokane resident and National Forestry Service employee, Jon Billingsly, made the unprecedented determination that his local brewery, Iron Goat Brewing Co., is the best in the entire world. “I been coming to the Goat for, shit, three years now, nothin else compares,” Billingsly noted while enjoying a pint of “Trashy Blonde”, “I mean, they got a porter on, a scotch ale on AND an irish red, at the same damn time.  Who else is doin’ what the Goat is doin?”

Pictured above, purveyors of the best beer in existence.

Pictured above, purveyors of the best beer in existence.

Billingsly admitted that he had not been to any other brewery aside from B.J.’s outside of the greater Spokane area, but defiantly stood by his sweeping appraisal that no brewery of greater quality could possibly exist.  “I don’t need to go to France and try Belgian beers or German triples or whatever, shit, they just put a keg of Cap’n Kidd wee heavy on, you seein this shit?” Billingsly gesticulated while spitting Skoal into a nearby pint glass, “plus they tell my wife I ain’t here when they got the live music goin on Tuesday nights, who else does that for a guy?”

When presented with innumerable other breweries or suggestions that could undermine his position, Billingsly remained recalcitrant. “‘Drink local’ alright, local is always gonna be best.  No doubt in my mind. And hell, if your local ain’t like Iron Goat, well then, you’re shit outta luck buddy because we already got the best,” Billingsly noted and began pumping his fist when the local cover band, “The Shit Kickers” began playing an Eric Church song.

pictured above, the pinnacle of beer progress as we now know it.

pictured above, the pinnacle of beer progress as we now know it.

Owner, Greg Brandt, sagely commented, “We named Iron Goat after a famous goat in Spokane who eats garbage.  Our ‘Garbage Pale Ale’ is named after that same goat.  You tell me another brewery with that degree of self-awareness and connection to the community.  the Iron Goat stands by Jon’s ruling.”

At press time the Iron Goat had just tapped a keg of “Punkid Punkin Ale” and Jon Billingsly nodded in solemn affirmation, resolute in his convictions, noting “there’s not a doubt in my god-damned mind.”

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3

Trillium Brewing Just Got 5 Hop Cones in the Source: Hot in those MA Streets

If you are like me, you are sick to your perineum of hearing about hoppy beers from the Northeast.  Every other week it’s some new whipped egg yolk looking DIPA pitched with London Ale III strain or something unclarified with tons of messy ropes like cum in a hot tub. I get it, everyone wants their own Huddy Trooper riff. Usually the coat tails are gripped so defiantly that it is hard to separate the cone from the chaff and the prospect of taking a fedex flyer on hoppy beers from across the continental U.S. is not an inviting prospect.

These Trillium beers though, God damn.

Without qualification I can say that these are absolutely worth your time and I would be shocked if your unknown local brewery crafting beers out of a revamped Red Robin on some shitty third owner brewpub system are making anything like this.

beers taste better bokehed

beers taste better bokehed

At the outset the innumerable list of hoppy beers from Trillium appear samey in execution,  but each shines in a distinct fashion. Melcher street is the more herbal and grassy companion on this Massachusetts stroll through dandelion fields.  This is a stern east coast response to the likes of Societe’s Pupil.  This pushes for angiosperms, conifers, and apricot on the closer.

trub a dub dub

trub a dub dub

No matter where you stand on the haze vs. isinglass debate, Melcher street tastes phenomenal and finishes creamy with a long sappy resin like a freshly stained deck. I can’t wait until someone with better distribution bites this style and does it marginally worse because I need this to be sitting on shelves, no courier intermediary needed.

the meringue whip

the meringue whip

Sleeper street is aptly named for much of the Trillium canon at this point.  Sure you see ISOs for these, but I usually wait for the galvanized steel of hoppy beers to cool before I go treading upon unproven paths. This beer is not as good as Melcher but it still shows a capacity for variety within even the style that doesn’t usually get praise for nuance or depth.  This has a kind of menthol and minty Sazerac 18 kind of woodiness going to it.  There is a leafy oiliness to the mid palate and it feels earthy but still wholly refreshing like a woodruff shot or a fernet branca spritzer.

poppin shots at them MA haters

poppin shots at them MA haters

So in sum, this is a throwback of sorts to the Hoptimum era of massively resinous IPAs but ensconced in the framework of the frothy turbidity of the modern era.  It’s like when Brendan Fraser emerges from the past in any one of his movies where he is a guy who is emerging from the past to adapt to new circumstances.  Pick one.

SHIT JUST GOT REAL

SHIT JUST GOT REAL

But is that DIPA game strong tho? A resounding affirming head nod shatters my c1 in this regard.  Upper Case is hands down my favorite offering from them and it heismans others squarely in the collarbone by taking the messy DIPA framework that HF Double Galaxy presented and presses it to an oddly refreshing realm.  Usually these are hardly what you would reach for when you seek satiation.

“We hear you guys are digging our hop forward beers…so we busted out another double IPA to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. UPPER CASE has a delicate, dry pilsner malt character with a smooth, soft, doughy mouthfeel from the raw wheat, oily hop resin which all serves as a canvas for this twice dry hopped 9% double IPA. Overipe mango, pineapple and passion fruit aromas leap out as the beer is poured. The impression of tropical fruit also takes the lead in the flavor which is layered further by white wine, pine resin and grapefruit zest. Hopped primarily with Mosaic with supporting roles played by Galaxy, Citra and Columbus. We figured there will be considerable interest, so brewed 3 batches!”

I mean, god damn it.  Sure this is not as balanced as the “perfect” DIPAs like Kern River Citra or HF Ephraim, but it is a novel entry into a sort of almost farmhouse meets ultra hopped 2 row realm.

just look ffs

just look ffs

I know your local realm has fresher, awesome DIPAs.  No one is contesting that, but it likely doesn’t have this guava and pine explosion, it doesn’t have this grapefruit puree pressed through autumnal foliage, the ride on mower sits absently longing for the grow season, and this beer is the reductio ad absurdum of those devices.  Absolutely top notch.

honorable mention

honorable mention

Not to appear one note: brewmaster Jack has been turning out some tasty beers as well.  I was not as huge a fan of this as the adamantium hard lineup from Trillium, but it is still very tasty.  You get grapefruit pith, mandarin oranges, pressed pineapple juice and a nice mineral clean finish without excessive oils.  If you have a MA guy, have him also toss some of this Brewmaster Jack action your way as the whole region seems to be in a hoppy arms race where only the consumer is the victor.

Get that deep cone pump, throbbing oils, zygotes straight tumescent at full bud.

7

Six Lies that Homophobes Who Hate Craft Beer ALWAYS SAY

As much as I have worked to lower the bar for journalistic integrity in beer, someone always non-ironically SCOOPS OLD DDB.  Today’s iteration comes from The Beer Wench, Ashley Routson.  I would think that writing an irrelevant, straw man article addressing axiomatic non-issues against sexist men in beer would be something that would be tired by Draft Magazine standards, even in 2008.  BUT OH I THOUGHT WRONG:

http://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/tricking-women-into-drinking-beer-lies-men-tell

If you don’t feel like paying into the bullshit clickbait model that Thrillist panders, here is the jist of the post:
[“SOME OVERSTATED/ARCHAIC SEXIST THING THAT EITHER DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT FREQUENTLY ANYMORE OR HAS BEEN MAGNIFIED SPECIFICALLY TO MAKE A POINT”

>Response using reasoning that almost everyone would agree with, namely that sexist people are shitty and no counterpoint really exists for the contrary.]

Basically that shit, six times.

So since the foregoing model qualifies as legitimate beer journalism, DDB has prepared its own form of this hyperbolic editorial to correct “countless misconceptions about beer that need to be addressed and corrected” using a counterpoint that no one encounters or would ever support as sound reasoning in the first place. NO ONE WILL LOWER THE JOURNALISM BAR LOWER THAN DDB, I REFUSE TO BE SCOOPED.

LIE #1 “Homosexual marriage isn’t real marriage, because the more hops you use, the higher the IBUs will be”

THIS IS A COMPLETE LIE.  Just using MORE hops doesn’t alone raise the IBUs, maybe stop being an intolerant shitlord and look into alpha acid content before you make sweeping unfounded comments about bitterness and start denying fundamental human rights subject to intermediate scrutiny.

Oh jeez, this AGAIN?

Oh jeez, this AGAIN?

LIE#2 “Gay marriage violates natural law because Pappy Barrels are the best type of barrels to use for aging”

GOD I HATE WHEN I HEAR THIS IN A BAR LIKE SIX TIMES A NIGHT.  Just because something is sourced from Buffalo Trace doesn’t mean that it is automatically Pappy, and furthermore, maybe you’re an ignorant cicerone using fallacious reasoning predicated on pseudo-science to promote your own closeminded theological agenda.  There are all kinds of barrels, maybe your sweeping hatespeech statements aren’t as well researched as you think they are.

Every single bottleshare

Every single bottleshare

LIE #3 “Higher Sparging Temps Always Result in the Denial of a Human Life Because of Same Sex Unions”

GOD THIS ONE GETS UNDER MY SKIN.  The average person pushing a sparging agenda will usually bring this one out when you are talking about mash temps and then all of sudden the dispute is about how same sex parents refuse to create potential lives and thereby violate God’s plan.  Ok first and foremost, if you know anything about mashing, you know that there are plenty of heterosexual parents who elect to not have children and a brewer who tries to create long chain amino acids doesn’t have any role in the relationship.  I SWEAR SOME PEOPLE CAN BE SO SHORT SIGHTED.

Every time I stop by my local bottleshop

Every time I stop by my local bottleshop

Lie #4 “All IPAs are faded after four weeks because homosexual marriage turns a moral wrong into a civil right”

MY EYES ROLL SO HARD WHENEVER I AM AT A BEER FEST AND SOMEONE BRINGS THIS OLD CHESTNUT UP.  Every IPA is different and have a completely different malt and flavor profile, so making sweeping hateful statements about a class of people based upon your own fear mongering is shameful.  As a rule IPAs in general are best enjoyed fresh but making ethical judgments about people predicated entirely on hop profiles isn’t just incorrect: IT IS WRONG.

Lie #5 “Saisons should be sour because homosexual marriage creates a sterile union devoid of children”

Saisons were developed long ago in Wallonia and northern France and the style is constantly evolving.  Just because some brewers recently are using monocultures in addition to Sacchro, that doesn’t mean that every union needs to result in the birth of children.  Overpopulation is already a huge concern and if the PH on a saison isn’t below 3.0 THAT IS FINE.  Maybe if you considered the number of people who are infertile getting married, you would see that brewers should be free to create saisons that don’t fit the prescriptive mold IN YOUR MIND.

When I am at a beer fest, constantly

When I am at a beer fest, constantly

Lie #6 “Homosexual Union Offends God because English Barleywines are Clearly Superior to America Barleywines”

You wouldn’t believe how many times I have been at a bottle share and someone in a cut off denim vest and a Jeff Gordon hat brings this one up.  IT’S LIKE CAN WE TALK ABOUT ANY OTHER BEER ISSUES BESIDES FOCUSING ON THE LOVE AND UNION OF HOMOSEXUALS.  It gets old really fast.  Ok sure, you are free to believe that the caramel and sweet notes attendant to English barleywines are superior, but to deny a class of people a series of benefits simply because you want to rely upon your own theological beliefs seems to subject barleywines to unfair scrutiny.  As hard as it is for you to believe, some people prefer the oak forward, hoppy character of American barleywines, just like some people just want to enjoy a union with the same benefits and protections without being subjected to judgment and governmental denial of fundamental rights.  WE GET IT YOU LIKE THE ENGLISH KIND MORE, get over it.

CONCLUSION TO HIT THE REQUISITE WORD COUNT:

The moral of the story: you don’t need to drape anti-homosexual statements in the context of beer for the rest of us to “get” it. Keep it real, keep it 100. Brewers are pretty damn smart and pretty damn awesome. So stop treating us like spoiled little 5-year-olds who need to be bribed with candy to eat our veggies.

7

I HAVE GOSE OPINIONS: Clickbait Bullshit from a Presumptive Dumbass

Hot on the heels of sifting through mountains of derivative garbage about the HARD WAY and PEACH PUMPKIN BEER, we have this week’s incendiary bullshit for the beer scene to address with baleful contemplation:

A verbose article groundlessly objecting to Gose, by an uninformed dipshit

Now we can already take it as a solid premise that Thrillist is THE go-to spot for hot beer news. It is undisputed that this isn’t some shitty newsletter turned clickbait factory that pushes the consumeristic drives of the late 20’s male demographic. This is a company that purchased JACKTHREADS to ensure beer nerds have nicely tailored vests, corduroy suits, and email services to refer/mine any user data to drive readers into purchasing more and more shit that they don’t want or need: We are talking a srs authority on all things beer.

So who did they get to tackle this hot-button issue of GOSE RUINING THE ENTIRE CRAFT BEER SCENE? Zarathustra himself, JOE FUCKING KEOHANE. Now if you know anything about the beer world, this guy is practically the Jean Van Roy of beer palates and the neo-Charlie Papazian of unbridled beer knowledge. Thrillist would accept nothing less for a matter of such grave ethos and uncompromising importance. GOSE IS RUINING AN ENTIRE MARKET SEGMENT AND A NEEDLESSLY LENGTHY SERIES OF SUBJECTIVE IMPRESSIONS WILL PROVE IT.

You knew Thrillist was serious, they don’t just toss content onto their site hoping to sell you shitty barware or gawdy apparrel, I mean, just look at the gravitas of this incredible exposé: THE 13 NAUGHTIEST THINGS YOU CAN DO IN ATLANTA

So we know the site has unimpeachable credibility in its intentions, but what about the monolith of authority, Mr. Joe Keohane, the master of all Cicerones?

Well not only does he have an extensive background in beer and beer culture (don’t worry, he doesn’t) he also has penned these gems:

A bunch of shit for Esquire magazine, none of which is about beer.

But we already know that Esquire themselves are the UNDISPUTED MASTERS OF BEER KNOWLEDGE

But enough about KNOWLEDGE and CREDENTIALS and EXPERIENCE, let’s examine why this one ignorant dumbass has predicated the death of all craft beer on hasty generalizations and opaque vapid observations. Let’s do that.

Joe Keohane might as well have written the entire article about Thundercats toys

Joe Keohane might as well have written the netire article about Thundercats toys

Alright so you get three solid entry paragraphs of fondant with a zero calorie breakdown of the history of craft beer, and then finally Mr. Keohane, grand vicar of all ales gives a sketchy history of the gose style. The entire article reads less like some derivative opinion piece and more like your mailman trying to tell you about this segment he saw on Hardcopy, and then does a shitty job of it. The author notes that he did some extensive research though, dont worry, “[he] went to three craft beer stores today in search of more varieties to cement (or rebut) [his] opinion, and the first two were completely sold out. The third had two left.”

Is the budget of the $1 billon Thrillist really that paper thin? IS the author really that fucking lazy? Then the entire article is drawn from a trip to three whole stores and then generalizations leveled predicated upon sampling TWO fucking goses? That would be like if I wanted to write a piece for Jezebel on male hegemony and privilege in the workplace and then I went to Barnes and Noble and looked at the covers of some Betty Friedan and Kate Millett books and called it a day.

Goses are like this Cheetara toy in that I don't know what the fuck I am talking about

Goses are like this Cheetara toy in that I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about

At its core, the author lacks the one thing that you would expect from an article about, well, anything: authority. If this were a shitty livejounral entry entitled “TODAY I TRIED A SALTY THING I DIDNT LIKE” we could dual list it under homoeroticism and stupid uninformed rant that you could readily dismiss. Instead it is presented as a legitimate inquiry into an entire style of beer and the mechanics of destruction attendant to an entire economy and culture. Or wait, maybe it is a horrible broad generalization about shit that the author has not idea about. Maybe the title served to drive up referral links, responses, and watered down alexa traffic to pump this shitlord of a website trying to sell you tacky Ben Sherman messenger bags. NAH I AM SUER THAT JOE KEOHANE TRIED HIS BEST THAT’S WHAT MATTERS.

In case you couldn’t tell by his run on sentences, multiple independent clauses and irrelevant comparisons to other areas of culture: Joe Keohane doesn’t know shit about beer and his opinion is as irrelevant as a 9th grader’s stance on sub-prime mortgages.

THe thing you need to know about gose is, well, this is a Mumra toy.  I trust you see the clear parallel.

THe thing you need to know about gose is, well, this is a Mumra toy. I trust you see the clear parallel.

So taking that with a grain of gose, you can read laughably faulty logic like “If Gose was that worthy of so much excitement and attention from America’s world-class brewers and drinkers, we simply would have gotten to it by now” with a wry smile like seeing a Nascar fan in the adult literacy school: he is just trying his best. Because that’s what craft beer is, a sweaty neckbeard with a clipboard just combing through old styles to revitalize, AND WE JUST DIDNT GET TO GOSE FAST ENOUGH. Shit why not “SAISONS HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES THEY HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO BECOME POPULAR BUT THEY ARENT AS POPULAR AS IPAS THEREFORE, HERE ARE 900 WORDS OF MISGUIDED BULLSHIT, MY OPINION PRESENTED AS LEGITIMATE RESEARCHED FACTS.”

credit: wired.com

Thrillist owner Ben Lerer discusses how to get people to buy shitty sneakers and how Joe Keohane desrves a raise

I don’t mind if someone is an ignorant dipshit, as long as they are entertaining. IF they are not entertaining, then at least be informative. If not informative, at least be well written. Joe Keohane is the furthest bottom right segment of the Punnett square of beer writing, comletely undesirable recessive traits: boring, unfunny, incorrect, shitty writing presented from a pulpit of stern earnestness. It really is as bad as the beer game gets.

I guess in being exceptionally shitty Joe Keohane can show us all how to draw tired irrelevant parallels to Prince and foodie culture, and in the sheer lack of merit, we are all edified by peering at how trifling beer journalism can be.

0

@rightproperbeer Kick Kick Snare Berliner, the imperial version of BA DUM TISH punchline style ale.

D.C. has DC Brau and several noteworthy beer PLACES, but aside from the Hardywood contingency is solidly RVA.  Bluejacket emerged and seemed like a hot contender but nothing has really set the region’s nuva rings ablaze. Now we have RIGHT PROPER, a place to get Howard University students swerved.  But is it the regional hegemony that can affect the beer world at large? ARE THEY THAT FYCKING POWERFUL?  Let’s reach across the aisle in today’s review

KICK KICK SNARE hitting hard like them 808 drums. 909 drums are full of meth.

KICK KICK SNARE hitting hard like them 808 drums. 909 drums are full of meth.

Right Proper Brewing, Washington DC

3.2% Berliner, dry hopped with citra and cascade

A:  This beer looks beyond yellow into a type of neon radiant yellow 5/mountain dew territory.  It is so faint that is becomes radioactive like wheaty isotopes banging around the glass, emitting substantial carb.  It honestly looks like someone took Gatorade and force carbed it, and I have no fucking problem with that at all.  Put this in a waterbottle for your big mountain bike ride, or whatever michelob ultra drinkers do.  This is like 80 calories a glass, drink it while you deliver UPS boxes on your route, who cares.

LYKE if u cry evrytiem BERLIENRS

LYKE if u cry evrytiem BERLIENRS

S:  This is a touch salty, wheat grist, ironically for all the hoppy promises, the most prominent element is a sort of clean alkaline chalkiness/salinity and a tangerine finish.  Again, this just hits like a radiant sports drink that seems to want to cure the hangover that you haven’t even earned yet.  THIS IS A FORWARD LOOKING BEER, trying to keep you from watching entire Netflix seasons on Sundays.  I can applaud that.

Maybe it needs more body, maybe you are a meercat and dont know what a berliner needs

Maybe it needs more body, maybe you are a meercat and dont know what a berliner needs

T:  This is bready for a fleeting moment and then kicks in the acidity in a real way, lemon and yuzu, key lime and a creamy finish that crackles out of existence like a genie entering a lamp.  It is over so fast you take another huge sip just to grasp at fragments that speed down your throat, each gulp becoming successively more tart and dry.  You get caught in this feedback loop where you keep taking bigger gulps chasing the lemon dragon to get a “real” taste but its so thin you are constantly eluded.  I am ok with that, this does the opposite of overstaying its welcome.

M:  This is dry, acidic, and works with successive swallows to take a run on your molars but never quite brings hard hits.  The whole thing feels like an absence of being, the consumption of beer and fleeting sensations with nothing to grip definitively into beyond light acidity and a juicy finish that crackles like Fundip and disappears.  It doesn’t pull that Golden Road shit where its intensely acidic, it is only a touch too tart for the style and the De Garde acidity seems unreasonable by contrast.  You can drill this without reprisal and it would almost be a full on challenge to get meaningfully drunk on this because you are perpetually hydrating while seeking inebriation.  The sisyphean chase that is ever fulfilling.

HARD AS FUCK LIGHT AS FUCK

HARD AS FUCK LIGHT AS FUCK

D:  If you couldn’t figure this out, it is endlessly drinkable in the way that Candy Crush is endlessly playable, but both ultimately make you feel a touch empty and ashamed of yourself.  You kill an whole 2 liter of this and then look around your life in calm sobriety, none of that laundry got done and you are still moderately sober. Actually, this is a perfect beer to get your life back together because no responsibility or self control is needed.  Go HAM, try to get yourself drunk, if you come from a pedigree of Kuhnhenn and Bruery tier ABV, this wont put a dent in your blast shields around your liver.  Maybe you dont need to eat Totino’s pizza rolls at 3am on a weeknight.  LIFE IS A GAMBLE.