0

@averybrewingCo Announces Plans to Tap into Coveted Adolescent Consumer Market with Canned Peach Saison

Pictured above, the beer that promises to take pre-teens by storm

Pictured above, the beer that promises to take pre-teens by storm

Boulder, CO – Associated Press

In a bold display of panache and disregard for convention, Avery Brewing Company has announced that they will be brewing and canning “Perzik” a saison brewed with peaches. “Those self-entitled millenials are gonna eat this shit up,” boasted owner/brewmaster Adam Avery, “we have been trying to hit that Ask.FM, ABC family demographic for a while and I think this will finally put us squarely in the laps of teenage girls, er, so to speak.”

The beer is a traditional Belgian saison, that has then been pasteurized, with peach extract added, and then packaged in cans, all in line with traditional Wallonian farmhouse methods. The saison will be available at liquor stores near middle schools with commercials airing during the competitive time slots of “The Thundermans” and “Harvey Danger.”

With its target demographic clearly articulated, Avery has bold plans for 2015

With its target demographic clearly articulated, Avery has bold plans for 2015

“If you really wanna get preteens into saisons, you’re gonna have to start pumping that traditional rusticity into their brains at the crest of 6th grade, otherwise we lose the post-braces market to Dupont or some shit,” Avery noted while writing variations of his last name with different female names preceding it in a binder, “We are trying to stay competitive and put saisons ahead of the curve. If there aren’t cans of Perzik covertly stashed under princess beds next to Twilight novels, we have failed as a brewery.”

At press time Avery was experimenting with enrolling clearly middle aged brewers at local high schools to boost brand recognition internally. “We hope to stain those retainers with our farmhouse cultures before the fourth quarter grades come in and kids get suspended for the summer,” Avery noted sagely while taking several selfies to post to his Snapchat followers.

Blaugies Owner, Pierre-Alex Carlier expressed confusion when asked how Blaugies intended to intoxicate minors.

Blaugies Owner, Pierre-Alex Carlier expressed confusion when asked how Blaugies intended to intoxicate minors.

When reached for comment, Blaugies owner/brewmaster Pierre-Alex Carlier noted “for me, I am, how you say, not try to make children to be drink farmhouse. Is cause for much sadness, making the can, the peach, is travesty, drunken children in geometry class….is sadness to me.”

More details as they develop.

0

Duclaw Expands Distribution to North Carolina, Bottle Shops Buy Bottles of Endust in Preparation

Duclaw has made a bold announcement that they will be sending their punitive libations to a new market: North Carolina. The iconic Maryland brewery that produces such classic wares as ANTI VENOM, BARE ASS BLONDE, CONSECRATION BROWN ALE(C&D forthcoming), MORGAZM, AND DIRTY LITTLE FREAK, intends to ship cases of bottles to the thriving new market.  “With Foothill, Wicked Weed and Duck Rabbit doing so well, we were energized to send completely unrequested cases to needlessly consume shelf space indefinitely.  It is all very exciting,” Duclaw owner, Dave Benfield noted with oddly self-deprecating sagacity, “I look forward to visiting these same IPAs in the months to come.”

DuClaw brewing looks forward to expanding into new markets.

DuClaw brewing looks forward to expanding into new markets.

The store employees in North Carolina are equally prepared for the new products as well. “Yeah, in preparation of these certainly immovable new bottles, we cleared out a nice spot for them in the corner, I mean why even bother,” local bottleshop owner Michael Walmsley lamented, “I stocked up on dust wipes and compressed air in anticipation of seeing those same bottles sitting on the shelf for the next three years.”

North Carolina bottle shop employees fully support their respective owners’ decisions to stock Duclaw items, knowing that they will be compelled to stare at them day in and day out, a constant reminder of their own mortality and enduring stasis at an unfulfilling job. “Yeah, I started giving the bottles individual names, I know that a rabid pit bull has a better chance of getting adopted than those bottles of Colossus, so might as well get cozy with them,” Walmsley noted, already wiping layers of dust from the caps, “I swear the dust is preemptively attracted to these bottles, I can barely keep up.”

At press time, additional cases of unsold Duclaw products were arriving not unlike the brooms carrying buckets in Fantasia.  “Maybe I can make a little fort of all these cases and take a nap,” Walmsley mused with a longing for a future that could have been, free from immovable products crushing his soul in Sisyphean fashion.

2

Irrelevant Brewery Releases Beer Brewed with Strange Ingredient, Attention Seeking Bullshit Ensues

Local unknown and subpar brewery from a heretofore undiscovered region has announced their bold plans to release a beer made with some attention seeking bullshit.  “We listened to the nonexistent consumers and went with our gut to generate press in the most petty way possible,” head brewer noted confidently, “some people may see this as a completely tactless ruse to generate buzz for our other substandard boring lineup of fortgettable offerings, BUT THEY CAN JUST WAIT AND SEE.”

This shitty brewery may intend to use these, it doesn't matter.

This shitty brewery may intend to use these, it doesn’t matter.

This local brewery previously serviced the people around their general vicinity with underattenuated riffs on a California ale strain, that is until Head Brewer discovered the wonderful potential of this stupid kitschy gimmic ingredient.  “Yeah at first everyone was like ‘that doesn’t belong in beer, you use that to cure meats with’ but we wont listen to them, our desire to receive undeserved attention is too great.  We are too innovative and ambitious to hold ourselves back,” Head Brewer noted while slicing up vile portions of the gelatinous ingredient, to be added during the boil and into the secondary.

They are just gonna put basically whatever into the fermenter, who gives a shit

They are just gonna put basically whatever into the fermenter, who gives a shit

Most local patrons had already assumed the Local Brewery had shut down before they attempted to launch this most pathetic of marketing ploys.  Already this forgettable nothing brewery is generating linkshares from Aunts and ignorant co-workers alike, each more shocked than the last to see what wacky things these beer people like.  “Yeah, I heard about this irrelevant shitwater that I will never try, I even heard about the nonstandard ingredient that they added.  I keep having to hear about this bullshit from everyone who knows that I enjoy beer, ” local Craft Beer connoisseur lamented, “every time some shithole brewery does this, the links come pouring in from friends and relatives who assume I am into this stupid shit.  It never fails.”

Could the shitty base beer involve this ingredient? It really doesn't fucking matter.

Could the shitty base beer involve this ingredient? It really doesn’t fucking matter.

At press time the Irrelevant Brewery stated its plans to press on despite objections from insular completely unknown protest groups. “We wouldn’t be where we are today if we listened to people telling us how to brew and we aren’t about to ratchet up the actual quality of our beer when we can just add obscure items to it.  Call it simple, but that’s just what we believe here at Unknown Irrelevant Until Yesterday Brew Works,” the formless anonymous brewer stated with a gleaming pride.

As long as stupid people continue to share the link, who give a fuck if they actually use these.

As long as stupid people continue to share the link, who give a fuck if they actually use these.

UPDATE: the link concerning the shitty attention seeking beer has now been forwarded over 1.2m times and Forgettable Brewery now plans both a 100x increase in production and a new offsite facility to serve its nonexistent customer base.

8

LOL at the butthurt regarding Bruery’s full disclosure about these infected porters.

So the Bruery announced today that their imperial porter collaboration with 3 Floyd’s might be infected, and basements shook with rage as sausage fingers pounded on their COMPAQ keyboards.

Some would call this entitlement, people being pissed about not getting their money’s worth out of a $300 – $700 club, and that’s fine, but you also joined a $700 club for beer, so I am pretty sure you lost your 14th amendment privileges at that point.

Others might think that this boils down to some crazy profiteering, from a brewery openly acknowledging flaws with their product…and warning their customers…before it is released for sale. I can’t really address that without colorful pie charts and clips from Yo Gabba Gabba, so I will move on.

I like the fact that, were this released the other way around, 3 floyds would have tossed it into their generic 750mls, hand numbered it, charged $50, used a lottery system, then later not used any lottery system and just sold it at the brewpub, and then ignored patron’s complaints after the fact when it was discovered that they sold a clearly infected beer at a huge markup.

oh and Indiana traders would ask for V012, etc.

Thank God we avoided that result.

I guess you could try and have a field day complaining about QC, but the Bruery was upfront about it, like a classy escort that lets you know she has HSVII but she is not currently shedding. And like a classy escort, knocks a few bucks off the fees.

If you don’t feel like doming a 15% porter within a couple of months, maybe you are a raging pussy? Maybe let the real drinkers pass through while you as picking up scattered Midols all over the ground.

sometimes i ask, "WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE THIS SHIT?"

sometimes i ask, “WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE THIS SHIT?”

I think we can all agree: yes it is shitty that the porters became infected. Here are a few solutions used by other breweries:

1) “we pasteurize the beer, sell it online in a fire sale, don’t make enough for even half of our reserve members” – Cigar City rocked this amazing strategy and people were still drinking their cum off of glass plates. It sold out instantly.

2) “Don’t tell them, maybe they wont know, we cant be responsible for beer held over time” this is the usual whipping post for smaller breweries that have zero fucks to spare. Dark Horse rocks this shit all the time, changes a label a bit here and calls it a day. SOUR OLD ALE YOU SAY? SIGN ME UP.

3) “We are gonna sell this beer, if people don’t like it, allow them to potentially abuse our marketing department and do a full refund across the board.” This is classy as fuck, but not really realistic. Bruery did this for Cacaonut and the other beers and people not only rocked full refunds, but then still bitched about how they could spend their refunds for beers they may have enjoyed or traded away. CCB pulled this white knight move for Huna day and you can basically do anything short of lighting pug puppies on fire as long as you have an apology like this. Noble, but expensive as fuck.

4) “OUR BEERS ARE NOT INFECTED, that BA Stout is supposed to taste like merlot and have a 5 finger head.” This is a classic move from the smallest of breweries, it essentially shifts the onus onto the customer for buying them in the first place. I love this one the most. YOU DONT LIKE THAT FUNKY BUDDHA BOTTLE WELL MAYBE BEERS ARENT MEANT TO BE DRANK OVER 5 WEEKS AFTER RELEASE? Basically shaming people for not drinking things immediately is dope as fuck. A certain East County San Diego brewery might be implicated in this cadre as well.

5) “This is potentially infected, sorry in advance, no refunds but at least we are dealing it straight.” I remember this going down with Hellshire II and we had the same bowlegged sore nutsacks complaining. I prefer this approach the most: you wanna spin the black circle? God ahead, we warned you.

you could complain about shit, or you can look at this pic of baby otters. choice is yours.

you could complain about shit, or you can look at this pic of baby otters. choice is yours.

So is a brewery to do? For every million they make, more complaints ensue. I guess the underlying moral is that complaints from husky beer nerds are kinda like hearing sobbing from attendees at the Farscape/Babylon 5 convention: literally no one gives a fuck about them. This is the razor edge of 1 percenters in a hobby predicated on consumables. Until there is craft ice, this is the absolute nadir of hobbies and I will continue to treat them as such.

6

Americans DO NOT brew Lambic, Most Belgians Do Not Either. Almost No One Brews Lambic, Ever.

As a United States citizen, it sickens me to see these American breweries attempting to capitalize on Belgian traditions with their bastardized takes on Belgian beers. American beers cannot, and will never be, lambic. Lambics are brewed in Belgium, specifically only within the Senne Valley. Any American brewery attempting to denature hundreds of years of culture by perpetuating the brewing style is nothing but complete disrespect and contrary to the hypothetical interests of generations past.

Such disrespect.

Such disrespect.

It is equally disrespectful for these ignoble North Americans to use the word “lambic style” on their labels. As though noting that a certain influence could somehow wash their hands of the clear impurity, they continue these actions with impunity. At the very least someone might stumble across the infinitely flawed Resurgam or Duck Duck Gooze and then somehow be made aware that lambic and gueuze exists. The problem here is that they will be done a complete disservice if they taste a 100/100 rated wild ale and then think that AMERICA somehow had anything to do with the brewing of that beer. IT IS NOT LAMBIC. Furthermore, the use of the term “sour” on the labels is a complete slap in the face of Belgian brewers who had been crafting sour beers for generations. The employment of any adjectives that notes a tart flavor profile should be looked at as highly circumspect as it clearly sets the brewing culture back hundreds of years to have them appropriating English descriptors pell mell. It should be about tradition.

Lambic is about honoring timeworn nostalgia and mouthwatering practices.

Lambic is about honoring timeworn nostalgia and mouthwatering practices.

Further, Belgian breweries need to focus not on only the Senne Valley, they need to remember the meteorological implications of that valley. The lambic tradition isn’t about the valley itself, but instead the lower cloud strata that distributes the wild microculture. A brewery merely cooling their wort in this valley doesn’t automatically guarantee it is authentic, let’s implement some standards here, for tradition sake. It seems in comport with the generations of lambic brewers that petri dish cultures be taken and analyzed under an electron microscope to ensure that the cell jackets and bacteria fall under a certified Belgian sheath. I can hardly imagine that the generations of Belgian brewers from the Reformation through the Gilded age would approve of calling a beer lambic without microbiobial verification. It is in comport with their wishes.

American breweries have been brewing "WILD ALES" for less than 50 years, who gives a shit about their flawed procedures?

American breweries have been brewing “WILD ALES” for less than 50 years, who gives a shit about their flawed procedures?

Another point of contention is how American brewers are freely identifying the fermented malt beverages that they are crafting as “BEER” just in front of god and everyone. I can hardly imagine that Sumerian brew masters would condone the use of the term based upon the bastardizing conditions in modern brewing. It is a complete violation of Ninkasi, the brewing goddess, and the wishes of the fertile crescent to just go around fermenting any old grain and calling it beer. American brewers have some serious balls setting forth these items in the stream of commerce without honoring traditional cuneiform pressings in clay tablets or a single sacrifice to Innana or Utu, it’s like, who the fuck do you even think you are?

Knowing time-honored Belgian brewing traditions is half the battle.

Knowing time-honored Belgian brewing traditions is half the battle.

I think I am qualified to speak for all generations past and historical cultures from a variety of regions when I say that American brewers need to stop their practices immediately. If I may continue to free-associate the desires of past generations: IT IS NOT WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED. I don’t care if you are crafting world class beverages according to the MODERN palate, it taints the commercial interests so coveted by past generations. I think we can all agree that American breweries have contributed next to nothing to furthering Beer Culture with their paltry facepalm worthy offerings. So the next time you sit down to enjoy a Timmerman’s Strawberry Lambic to taste that authentic sweet nectar, take a moment to think of all those North American ingrates subverting the proud heritage of lambic.

2

GUIZE: Huffington Post Decided that THE MIDWEST HAS SOME OF THE MIGHT BE BEST BEERS PERHAPS TRIED

I will allow you a moment to go obtain the permits for a fallout shelter, as the most hard-hitting beer journalism is about to detonate in and around your face area:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/06/best-beers-midwest-ratebeer_n_4739775.html?utm_hp_ref=chicago&ir=Chicago

OH SHIT THE CORONATION OF A NEW ARMAND. Brewers not located in land-locked flyover states: time to fucking quit immediately. You lost, no more quarters, exit the ale arcade, the Midwest scooped up all them chips.

Since HuffPost wants you to link every single one of your media accounts to interact with their shitty message board, here is my comment I attempted to leave:

“Nice use of qualifiers throughout the piece. “OFFICIALLY” like who was the official who certified this? Ratebeer? Are they officials with certification powers? “HAS SOME” oh, like more than a single discrete unit of “best beer” so basically anywhere that has NONE of the best beer is excluded from this public interest piece, “THE BEST BEERS IN THE WORLD” by style? Rating? I guess anything can be hard hitting journalism if you paint with a wide enough brush. Your article then goes on to list 4 midwest beers among what 11 other styles from other non-midwest areas, lambics and belgians largely unaddressed. I was going to address your reader base, then I read the first comment on this article:

“Founder’s KBS goes for around $40 a 12 oz. bottle on eBay, or $10 a bottle when they have it. They only release a few kegs a year…I hear it’s phenomenal!”

And it was clear to me you are doing your job churning derivative commentary works to people who know very little about beer with a decorative trojan horse headline.

I don’t even know why I am bothering with this aggregate content, this article posits nothing new and serves to simply clutter newsfeeds, grab low hanging page views, and spawn more moronic cicerone afficionados crowding a teeming market of limited resources. Maybe write an article about that.”

Huffington Post is dripping with sticky beer news, in 2016 expect an exposee on a new beer THAT COMES IN A CAN: HEADEY TOPPLER.

I am not one to talk since DDB has more padding than a Zumba class, but at least there is some context given, a realm of qualifiers to place some tastes intersubjectively within parameters that can be apprehended. But critiquing people’s BA or RB reviews is a fool’s errand. 99.999% of beer review blogs contribute very little to the beer scene and are merely a podium to address a limited “audience” of friends and family who know Uncle Jerry as their BEER GUY: HE’S AN EXPERT HE HAS A WEB SPACE, ITS A PAGE WITH REVIEWS. He brought a BEER WITH A CORK LIKE CHAMPAGNE TO THANKSGIVING!

DDB is comparing himself to other beer sites again? BRB going to sleep, not giving any fucks.

2

InBev Shattering Buttholes: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THIS 25oz EXTRA OUNCE CAN

Time to bust out the berber carpet underwear and rub your dickhole raw, InBEV IS NOW MAKING 25 OUNCE CANS:

SCIENCE BITCH: check out the fucking ICE COLD EASY INDICATOR.  Now you know when your bomber+ is COLD ENUFF.

SCIENCE BITCH: check out the fucking ICE COLD EASY INDICATOR. Now you know when your bomber+ is cold enough to press to your child’s forehead after a savage beating.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been huddled around a Detroit trashcan fire under an overpass and the topic of tallboys comes up. Reggie “Scabies” Washington once sagely noted that the 24oz can was anomalously saddled in between a bomber and a 750ml bottle and we all nodded intently. Well InBev has decided to directly address this issue with AN EXTRA OUNCE. If your wife isn’t listening and wont stop nagging you during Duck Dynasty, that extra ounce will give you the extra courage you need to go silently sit in your cold garage and watch Dale Jr. highlight footage on a VHS tape.

With that extra drop of crisp drippings from rusted undercarriage, you can truly appreciate the nuances of beer “as clear and bright as mountain air.”

Not sure how to break it to the neighbors that you are a registered sex offender? Carve this pumpkin and sit on the porch with your 25oz can, they will figure it out.

Not sure how to break it to the neighbors that you are a registered sex offender? Carve this pumpkin and sit on the porch with your 25oz can, they will figure it out.

The common objection to this bold marketing move is “why not just 40’s?” The point is well taken and, once Busch figures out a 40 ounce can, you too will be the envy of the Child Protective Services counselling room when you bust open your tiny barrel of succor. Think of the applications, how many times have you gotten to that lukewarm, bitter drop of urethral runoff and thought “just when I had reached my immersion point of cornwater lager, now it is gone like a brief adjunct candle.” Fear not, the good times keep rolling for almost two whole extra sips.

Think about what you can do with two extra sips:
– a gaff take where you spit it out when someone tells a racist joke
– honor your fallen homie who died attempting to jump a snowmobile
– demonstrate to your child’s mother that you aren’t an alcoholic by dumping those last precious drops
– toss it in the face of some liberal complaining about your trophy buck festering on the lawn because hey, you’ll get around to cleaning it, how is that his business anyway?

Hot on the heels of shit that was interesting to 7th graders in 1998, Bud's crack marketing team can do no wrong!

Hot on the heels of shit that was interesting to 7th graders in 1998, Bud’s crack marketing team can do no wrong!

If your palate isn’t nuanced enough to pick out the opiates in escort urine, fear not, this “1 Extra Ounce” sized can will be coming for Budweiser, Bud Light, Rolling Rock, Busch Light, Natural Light, Michelob Ultra & Natty Daddy, Busch Ice, Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita, Lime-A-Rita & Bud Ice and others as well.

I can sit here all day and try and cajole you into letting Adolphus Busch fart in your mouth, or I can just let them sell you this modern marvel:

“It’s more than just a new can or some new packaging innovation. And it’s definitely more than just one more ounce of beer. It’s our way of saying “Thank You” to all the loyal Budweiser drinkers who reach for the King more than any other beer.” SOURCE: http://www.budweiser.com/en/us/content/king-of-beers/article/the-new-25-oz-budweiser-can

The best way to encourage moderation, is that extra ounce. No single innovation has done more for the beer community, past or present. DDB would like to extend a huge NO THANKS to breweries who insist on using labia clapping 750ml bottles. I want a beer, not some sorority party where we all hit one another with goose down pillows jumping on a bed and you can’t even really tell if we are legal in the first place, you know? The last time I brought a fancy big glass bottle somewhere, everyone at the wake acted like I was acting in poor taste: so fuck you craft brewers, thanks for no extra ounces.