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Area Man Enjoys Local Brewery, Believes it to be the Best in the World

SPOKANE, WA

Associated Fermentation Press

Billingsly delivering his earth-shattering announcement

Billingsly delivering his earth-shattering announcement

Area Spokane resident and National Forestry Service employee, Jon Billingsly, made the unprecedented determination that his local brewery, Iron Goat Brewing Co., is the best in the entire world. “I been coming to the Goat for, shit, three years now, nothin else compares,” Billingsly noted while enjoying a pint of “Trashy Blonde”, “I mean, they got a porter on, a scotch ale on AND an irish red, at the same damn time.  Who else is doin’ what the Goat is doin?”

Pictured above, purveyors of the best beer in existence.

Pictured above, purveyors of the best beer in existence.

Billingsly admitted that he had not been to any other brewery aside from B.J.’s outside of the greater Spokane area, but defiantly stood by his sweeping appraisal that no brewery of greater quality could possibly exist.  “I don’t need to go to France and try Belgian beers or German triples or whatever, shit, they just put a keg of Cap’n Kidd wee heavy on, you seein this shit?” Billingsly gesticulated while spitting Skoal into a nearby pint glass, “plus they tell my wife I ain’t here when they got the live music goin on Tuesday nights, who else does that for a guy?”

When presented with innumerable other breweries or suggestions that could undermine his position, Billingsly remained recalcitrant. “‘Drink local’ alright, local is always gonna be best.  No doubt in my mind. And hell, if your local ain’t like Iron Goat, well then, you’re shit outta luck buddy because we already got the best,” Billingsly noted and began pumping his fist when the local cover band, “The Shit Kickers” began playing an Eric Church song.

pictured above, the pinnacle of beer progress as we now know it.

pictured above, the pinnacle of beer progress as we now know it.

Owner, Greg Brandt, sagely commented, “We named Iron Goat after a famous goat in Spokane who eats garbage.  Our ‘Garbage Pale Ale’ is named after that same goat.  You tell me another brewery with that degree of self-awareness and connection to the community.  the Iron Goat stands by Jon’s ruling.”

At press time the Iron Goat had just tapped a keg of “Punkid Punkin Ale” and Jon Billingsly nodded in solemn affirmation, resolute in his convictions, noting “there’s not a doubt in my god-damned mind.”

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2 HOT 4 THRILLIST: The Nine Types of Shitlords You See at Every Bottleshare

Man, people were fucking pissed that DDB content was published by Thrillist, DDB is getting called a sellout/child rapist/holocaust denier/lion murderer, everything under the sun.  In the interest of fairness, here is the 1100 word piece that Thrillist passed on, hopefully this listcream serves to alleviate some of those anal fissures caused by your feelings of entitlement to thousands of words of free content on a daily basis:

THE NINE TYPES OF SHITLORDS YOU SEE AT EVERY BOTTLESHARE

In the world of rare craft beer, there is a grinding undulating ritual that occurs amongst sticky neckbearded basement dwellers: the bottle share.  This ritual of iniquity used to be about meeting with friends who shared a common love for beer and opening them together.  Given the influx of new money to the world of craft beer, coupled with covetous dipshits and skyrocketing values of rare bottles, beer traders are now forced to unite and share the tiniest of pours with people they may not even like or know.  Tips will be mushed.  Space will be docked.  Since these vulgar proceedings are becoming de rigeur, it seems only fitting to chronicle the types of assholes you will see at a beer bottleshare, should you decide to debase yourself and attend one.

1)  The Moleskin Baller

Don’t even try to talk to this asshole.  This is the beer enthusiant who is obsessed with chronicling his life as a real time documentary instead of actually living it.  You will see his trilby gazing downwards, scribbling in a notebook pithy adjectives that no one cares about.  If you attempt to engage this introvert he will like mutter something about “monoculture saturation” and get back to his srs bznezz journal.  Don’t waste your time.

bottle clutching deviants

bottle clutching deviants

2) The Imaginary Badge Enthusiast

Some beer nerds break their cocks in half trying to earn badges on Untappd.  This dude pushes things to the limit with his self-aggrandizing app and will check in every single drop of beer that he tastes, even if it is a lukewarm meniscus, the single digit reviews will be forthcoming.  God forbid two of these dipshits sit next to one another at one time, the furious grinding of toasts and badge comparisons will resonate anechoic through your soul.

3)  The DSLR Dipshit

If you thought beer was about candid discussion or enjoying the company of others, then you will want to avoid captain Canon 70D at all costs.  This is the type of person who brings a lightbox to a tasting with multiple lenses acting like that shit is somehow socially acceptable.  Watch your elbows while pouring because this squatting misanthrope will be taking low angle high F-stop pics to make sure every bubble of that predictable ass carbonation is documented.  Because that’s what you want at an event where you get getting completely rekt, some officious Annie Leibovitz pushing a telescopic lens into your greasy red face saving every candid moment in 21mp and 4K HD video.

WHICH NUMBR R U THO

WHICH NUMBR R U THO

4) The Undergrad Johnny Come Lately

Inevitably at any bottle share someone will bring a beta casual friend who knows fuck all about beer. These people usually start off nice enough but after a couple pours, prepare yourself to hear all about some shitty smoked vienna lager that he had when he studied abroad. This person gets brassier as the night goes on and will ask a litany of questions to anyone within earshot.  If you feel like explaining what yeast is, how mashing works, what a lambic is, and listen to endless TRAPPIST anecdotes, feel free to sit next to this dude.

5) The Incredibly Tolerant Asian Girlfriend

At any share full of obese, red-faced, grimy manchildren, there will always be one incredibly forgiving Asian girlfriend with her arms folded. While grown men debate over sugarwater, she will endure on, quietly suffering the tired banter and quips from the shameful attendees.  At some point in the proceedings she will be subject to latent misogyny or condescension  from some cocksure guest who wants to feel relevant in his niche hobby.  She always knows as much or more about beer than most of the people at the party by virtue of being subjected to the constant prattling about barleywines on a daily basis. This person will remind you that bottleshares are the worst and that you should eat some Pirate’s Booty and leave this stupid hobby predicated on excess.

hot bitches at all my shares bruxellis

hot bitches at all my shares bruxellis

6)  Captain Categorical Statement

This guy will loudly provide his opinion on each and every beer before you even taste it.  You will be able to spot him in his brewery screen print t-shirt immediately.  This is the type of person who provides you with ordinal rankings of every beer in each style, extroverted to a fault.  Prepare for sweeping generalizations, absolutes, and contrarian banter from this type of dipshit.  Just nod when you hear him proclaim “SAISONS WITH BRETT IN THEM AREN’T REALLY SAISON” or “ALL BLACK IPAS SHOULD BE CALLED CASCADIAN DARK ALES” or “KING HENRY IS THE BEST BARLEYWINE THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE AND IT WILL NEVER BE MADE AGAIN.”  You dont need to know this guy.  He likely works at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car by day and this is all he has.  Just leave him alone.

7)  The Fermentation Revisionist

I hope you love living in the past, because if you sit next to this dude, it is all that you will be hearing about.  Just try taking a sip of this year’s vintage and prepare for this guy to spin some yarns about how LAST YEARS BATCH WAS MORE ATTENUATED or THE HEAD BREWER LEFT and THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE or THIS HAS FALLEN OFF SINCE I LAST HAD IT.  This is the real world equivalent of the high school cicerone who got injured and his palate was never able to go pro. God help you if you haven’t tried every single beer from the mid-90s onward, because this man will pepper you with references to beers you could never have tried, namely because you were 11 at the time.  Don’t engage this person, he is an endless beer wikipedia full to the brim of useless bullshit.

WILL THERE BE A SEAT AT THE TASTING FOR MY REAL DOLL? I dont want her to b jealus

WILL THERE BE A SEAT AT THE TASTING FOR MY REAL DOLL? I dont want her to b jealus

8) The ABV Obsessor

Invariably there will be someone new to craft beer whose sole barometer of quality is the alcohol by volume in a beer.  The WOOOO! Probability Index is off the charts with this one, and heaven help you if someone opens up an old ale.  First pumping will be forthcoming, with pithy phrases like “AT 13% ABV IS IT EVEN BEER AT THAT POINT! LOLOL!!!!” This is the party responsible for piss on and around the bathroom rug.

9)  The Designated Driver

This person will be subjected to the arrows of outrageous fortune and bear it grimly, sipping Perrier with gritted teeth. In the age of Uber, you probably wont be able to comprehend what type of person would put themselves through a bottleshare sober when you can barely tolerate these Fedex Ballers while shithouse drunk.  He is a figure of herculean strength and stoicism worthy of your reverence.  Again, don’t talk to him, your eyes are mirrored pools that reflect your own fun times, a grating reminder of his abstinence.  Don’t rub it in.

OH FUK Bottleshare badass detected ABORT

OH FUK Bottleshare badass detected ABORT

Don’t go to a bottleshare, ever.  No matter what they are opening, it is not worth it.  Take up Gundam models or Magic: the Gathering instead, craft beer is an undulating pit of disgusting sugary chest hair and you’re better off avoiding it altogether.

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Top Five Beers to Drink on Cinco De Mayo if You Are an Ignorant Asshole

CINCO DE FUXXKIN MAYO.  Time to slam overpriced rebranded inbev products and make racist caricatures! OH AND SUPPORT MULTINATIONAL TEQUILA CONGLOMERATES LOL.

Everyone loves this day of the year, if only because Mexican culture has affected the average craft beer drinker in such a profound way, that the average dipshit cant be expected to know the history of the holiday.  Usually you will see microbreweries with lagers bearing faux-racist names pandering out some microaggressions, or stouts with cinnamon and chilis in them because LOL MOLE, THEY LIKE THAT AMIRITE.

Since the type of person who blows fat stacks on consumable items doesn’t have the time or means to pay legitimate homage to the holiday or understand its historical roots LET’S MAKE A LIST OF CRAFT BEERS TO CELEBRATE CINCO DE DRINKO WITH!!!!

1)  Hill Farmstead Ephraim

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2011/10/26/hill-farmstead-ephraim-double-ipa-10-5-abv/

This has about as much to do with Mexican history as most of the shit I see

Fuck those DIPA hops from Vermont sure do allow me to pay solemn respect for the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French military forces on May 5, 1892, under the command of General Ignacio Zaragosa Seguin.  That massive ABV and citrus profile tastes so good when you erroneously call Cinco De Mayo “MEXICOS FOURTH OF JULY.”

2) Logsdon Peche n Brett

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/01/14/logsdon-farmhouse-ales-peche-n-brett-get-ready-to-get-your-peaches-gripped/

If you thought I would make a produce harvesting joke, think again, because that would denature the structural credibility of my own soap box

Massive farmhouse ales are always deliciously paired with Enchiritos, Crunchwrap Supremes, or some other food developed by YUM Foods that Mexican people do not actually eat.  This beer is 10% abv and you will slam it and totally forget that Mexico’s Independence Day is actually on September 16th, but you’re tryna holler at that Bolivian girl in the Maxi dress because Bolivia is like a Mexican city basically.

3) Troegs Splinter Blue

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/06/11/troegs-splinter-blue-dipping-deep-and-pulling-out-them-blue-bals/

Knowing that you spent the same amount of money on a single stupid fucking beer than an undocumented landscaper makes in an entire week just bolsters the old self esteem, CHEERS TO YOUR EXCESS

Nothing says Cinco De Mayo like wildly expensive rare beers from Pennsylvania. I mean sure, Cinco De Mayo may not even be a national holiday in Mexco, but your life of privilege allows you to take the day off in Mexico’s honor.  Hell take two days off because those CORONA HANGOVERS AMIRITE? Don’t even act like you know where the state of Puebla is you geocentric dumbfuck.  If you drink enough of this you will inevitably ask a Hispanic person “Which kind of Mexican are you from?” and they will silently put up with your bullshit

4) Alpine Great Barleywine

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/07/19/alpine-great-barleywine-for-those-times-when-good-barleywine-just-wont-cut-it/

After a long day of being paid crippling poverty wages for unskilled labor, pass the 15% abv barleywine already

From the time of Mexican Independence in 1821 to the time of this battle in 1862, México suffered numerous setbacks in its attempts to form a stable republic, and endured several incursions into its sovereignty as an independent nation. SO LETS GET FUKNNNN WASTED. Great is a solid ass beer to get you hella wasted, and provides enough liquid courage for you to put a pancho over your Hollister v neck and shake plastic maracas offensively… just before someone puts a large sombrero on your head so you seem outgoing and fun, not just some dipshit who is the manager of an Express for Men.  The best part about Alpine Great is that it might even get you wasted enough to think that putting a fake mustache on with mardi gras beads is acceptable. CINCO DE SUCCESS IF YOU ASK ME.

5) Literally any beer, you don’t honestly give a shit

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/04/10/birrificio-le-baladin-xyauyu-fume-islay-whisky-xyuken-shoryuken-baladaskinperookin/

It seriously doesn’t even matter

All that shit is made by Grupo Modelo. a huge ass factory in Mexico owned by Belgian-Brazilian company Inbev. It has 63% of the Mexican beer market and exports beer to most countries of the world. Its export brands include Corona, Modelo, Pacifico and a bunch of other shit.  It doesn’t really matter what you choose, you’re probably an asshole. Right about now someone will bring up Constellation Brands, and how in June 2013 the company, which formerly imported Corona and other Modelo brands to the United States, acquired the US rights to those brands as a part of an anti-trust settlement permitting Modelo’s acquisition by Inbev along with a brewery in Mexico. It now produces its own versions of those products for the US, with Modelo serving all other countries.

No one gives a shit. This beer blog is the section 8 housing of the internet.

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@eviltwinbrewing 14 labels and why I was self aggrandizing enough to explain them on Thrillist

If you know anything about recipe engineers and gourmand specialists without “BRICK AND MORTAR” breweries per se, they need to take out substantial health insurance policies for patting themselves on the backs so vigorously.  A torn rotator cuff is expensive and subacromial bursitis related to drafting a beer recipe on paper and having little to no engagement to actually creating it can cause serious health effects.

So imagine Jeppe’s elation when clickbait mogul THRILLIST asked them to wax philosophical about the labels that they designed for the recipes that they designed that were brewed by other people.  If you are already wiping the perspirsation from your brow I don’t blame you, being a flavor technician is hard work.  Without further ado here is the article on THRILLIST unironically presented:

http://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/stories-behind-evil-twin-beer-names

14) Christmas Eve in a New York Hotel Room

Man I bet you loved typing this one into untappd and just wondered WHAT COULD HAVE INSPIRED IT.  I bet it was an obscure passage from a Don Delillo book, or wait, some Noam Chomsky analysis, wait, here it comes “I decided I would never make a Christmas beer. But then I changed my mind, and made a stout that has nothing to do with Christmas, just to make fun of it. I actually spent Christmas Eve in a New York hotel room before I moved here, and we ate Thai food” OH SHIT ULTRA TROL.  Wow, that lengthy needlessly wordy title was just…”I was here when on this holiday, Americans are fucking stupid.”  Nice, take my $18.99 for this underwhelming nonbarrel aged beer. No please, enjoy your mediocre scores and then brag about the label, we need to know about it.

So we made an uninspired label and here's an article about it, no we arent even self aware, we are Danish

So we made an uninspired label and here’s an article about it, no we arent even self aware, we are Danish

13) Wet Dream

Holy fuck the Danish are known for cleverness, land of poets and prosiac dreamers, listen to the explanation for this nocturnal emission: “we had the idea to make a brown ale with coffee, and explained in an email how it would taste, because of the rosiness playing with the coffee, and said, “doesn’t that sound like a wet dream?” So we called it Wet Dream.”  Nice because no one else had ever had the idea of adding coffee to a brown ale, such ejaculations.  The depth, it is like analyzing a Thomas Pynchon novel.

12) Biscotti Break

Oh fuck hold on to your hats for this epic breakdown “we tried to replicate a biscotti, and used almond, coffee, and vanilla. And that’s pretty much it. Why it’s called Break, it’s like a play on the coffee break,”  I would have needed to download the Criterion collection to crack that srs code.

SHE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHY THESE BEERS COST SO MUCH. they are imported ideas from Denmark...brewed 400 miles from here.

SHE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHY THESE BEERS COST SO MUCH. they are imported ideas from Denmark…brewed 400 miles from here.

11) Ryan and the Gosling “it’s a play on Ryan and the Beaster Bunny, and Ryan Gosling. But we didn’t want to call it Ryan Gosling, because we didn’t want to get sued or some shit, so we changed it out a little bit.”  Alright so you wanted to illegally appropriate a celebrity likeness but also reference Chad from Crooked Stave, BEASTER BUNNY was the next likely move, top 10/10 to the copy editors, we all got that.  The beer could have been called CHAD AND THE SAND WORMS FROM BEETLEJUICE and no one would have given a single fuck.

10) Falco

You think they know what the fuck Star Fox is? Wrong, some other uninspired shit “Falco is because it’s based on a hop blend called Falconer’s Flight”  ohhhh fuuuuu- that’s literally it.  Shortening the name of a single hop blend.  Evil Twin gets paid for this shit.

TFW they can respond however they want after they took all ur dolalrs

TFW tEvil Twin can respond however they want after they took all ur dolalrs

9) Spicy Nachos

” Ed Westbrook owns Westbrook Brewing Company, he’s a very good friend of mine, and we make a lot of beers down there. Ed’s wife calls him Spicy Nachos, and it is so fucking weird, and we tried to figure out why, but they will not tell us.”  So surely you make a completely different beer not like…totally centered around his…you put cheese and jalapeno in this didnt you? FUCK. “But then it’s actually spicy nachos beer, made with corn and jalapeños,”  Somewhere there is a Nissan GTR peeling out fueled by South Carolina dipshits.

8) Even More Jesus

Surely this has a biblical verve, it can’t just be some uninspired riff like the other- “I wrote, “Jesus, this is expensive.” And then I did another one, and it was even more expensive, and wrote, “even more Jesus.”  Ok.  So you literally made a label laughing at how much you could charge 12 Percent customers for a beer brewed by other people, distributed by other people, then clinking glasses at how much they would pay, it’s serious Denmark Gatsby shit.

wow, these labels, such an expose

wow, these labels, such an expose

7) Hipster Ale

This has to be a self-referential beer where you donate to a specific charity or you use a vegan and gluten recipe- wait what’s that? ” I wasn’t sure if hipsters would find it too ironic, too self-reflexive, so they wouldn’t drink it, but I didn’t give a shit. If it worked, it worked, and if it didn’t, it didn’t. But it worked! We sell a shitload of that stuff.”  it was literally just another marketing plot to enact upon the beer community?  Nice.  Consistency in batches is key.

6) Justin Blabaer

Not only does this hilarious beer infringe upon one of the most sought out beers from Cantillon ever made but LOL OMG WHAT IF IT WAS NAEMED LIKE THE SAEM.  Surely that wouldn’t cause any problems- ” [we] kinda forgot about the beer sitting in these barrels at this brewery in Denmark. But then it came over and it’s like, time to make a name. It’s a play on, of course, Justin Bieber, and it’s made with blueberries, the Danish word for which is “blåbær,” and when Americans say it, it kinda sounds like “Bieber.” Also I just wanted to make fun of that dude.”  So its a neglected berliner, with neglected fruits, sold for top dollar, using the same goodwill generated from one of the top lambic producers in the world LOL SO FUNY.

5) Molotov Cocktail

This has to have some social consciousness given the incendiary nature of the ” It’s 13%, it’s crazy hoppy, it’s going to be way too hoppy. And a Molotov cocktail is fucking explosive in so many ways, and so unbalanced, and it’s just a cool name. And when you drink it, if you don’t like it, you kinda can’t complain about the taste”  Wait what.  So you just added dextrose and a long boil and shrugged your shoulders like “LOL CANT COMPLAIN BECAUSE LOOK AT LABEL, is MOLOTOV!”  That’s the type of shit an Eastern European hostel would pull.  So making that label indemnifies you from taste complaints? If only more recipe masters embraced this novel approach  “CANNOT COMPLAIN ABOUT FIRESTORM SAISON…is name after the storm of the fires.”

I cant expect you to understand such nuances of labels and recipe technicians

I cant expect you to understand such nuances of labels and recipe technicians

4) Bikini Beer

I was hoping Evil Twin would walk into some patently sexist territory here based upon the caloric count of this overpriced second runnings beer, but alas, they were vetted ” Sour Bikini doesn’t make any sense at all, but hey, it’s just a fun name.”  Sure, I am sure the female consumer base interpreted this in the exact way you intended.

3) Nomader Weisse

Get ready for this epic deconstruction of form and substance “Last year we made NOMADer Wit, a wheat beer, which is kinda like, “no matter what,” and this is the next one after that, that doesn’t really make as much sense, but whatever.”  That’s right, they explained to Thrillist that they made a label that makes no sense but, who gives a shit, it just needs to sell, dont act like you stopped and thought about it.

2) Ryan and the Beaster Bunny

Oh wait wait, I got this one, it is a nod to Lewis Carrol and pedophilic- ” My wife came up with this one — Beaster Bunny was the fattest rabbit ever or something like that, in London, who got famous for being so fucking fat. ”

Ok nevermind.  These labels not only cannot justify their prices but they seem to have been generated by a random text generator. Tell us next about your “Triple Cyborg Fingerer” roggenbier, surely it will justify the $13.99 price tag.

AND THE ONE YOU ALWAYS WONDERED ABOUT

EARTH EXPLANATION

EARTH EXPLANATION

1) Before, During, and After Christmas

This has to do with the duality of aging and the relentless press of Hegelian dialec- “This one was an IPA, and we released it all year round.”

OH.  So it’s just….an ipa.  Thank you Evil Twin.  I look forward to your collaborations at the old Alesmith facility…please let me listen in on your intense creative writing sessions.

If any brewery needs me to fly out...hand you a homebrew recipe scaled up for hydrostatic pressure...with an unspinred marketing campaign/label...LMK

If any brewery needs me to fly out…hand you a homebrew recipe scaled up for hydrostatic pressure…with an unspinred marketing campaign/label…LMK

2

I hope you are ready for the hottest new trend: LUXURY BEERS. CNN MONEY HAS A SERIOUS SCOOP!

While you were out shivering in your Northface jacket in a line at Hill Farmstead to pick up your $50 bottle of Ann, CNN WAS DISCOVERING A HOT NEW EMERGING MARKET: Luxury beers.  No, I don’t mean your lottery only, $50 barrel aged Dark Lord, I am talking about bottles of Guiness that can cost up to THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS, made with the same malts that choice whiskey distillers may extract sugars from prior to distillation: PURE LUXURY. THE FUTURE IS NOW.

All these needledick beer nerds lining up for not even luxurious beers, just lowbrow and pedestrain.  That $15 KBBS isn’t even as luxury as the Game of Thrones beer which can cost UP TO TWENTY DOLLARS.  I will allow you to get up out of your chair since that information likely knocked you the fuck out of it.

How expensive can these bottles get?  How about so expensive that a CICERONE, the AUTHORITY ON BEER, hasn’t even heard of a beer that costs $35 prior to this.  We are talking ultra limited brews here, that baller Guinness, a mere 90,000 bottles were produced.  THAT’S EVEN LESS THAN BCBS.  Think about that.

We are breaking new ground here, ground paved in supple calfskin.  The cicerone even lets us know  that some ultra regal libations are “aged in barrels for [like] a really long amount of time…conditioning periods.”  Next time you are at a tasting and someone says “does anyone want to try the wine of the beer world?” You can damn sure expect that some ultra premium Maybach shit is about to go down, I am talking lambics that cost upwards of NINETY DOLLARS in a restaurant.

The future of opulence has arrived, time to ask for the raise you have been contemplating, unless you are content in your peasant-tier beverages, menial field tillage and lowbrow saisons that don’t even cost more than $30.

0

Lagunitas Brewing Company Steps Completely Over the Line By Using the Iconic Sierra Nevada Logo in their Newest IPA

Amid controversy and flagrant disregard for copyright laws, Lagunitas Brewing Company released their newest offering, Hop Hunter, using Sierra Nevada’s logo front and center on the label.

They went 2 far

They went 2 far

While you can clearly identify the beer as a Lagunitas offering due to the iconic IPA lettering, the Sierra Nevada trademark may cause substantial confusion for the average consumer.  For the uninitiated, it may look as though Sierra Nevada has brewed their own “IPA” and as a result of this mix-up, customers may accidentally be hoodwinked into supporting a completely different brewery.  While there are currently no cease and desist letters being issued by Sierra Nevada, a typically levelheaded company, this opens the door for several other breweries to begin using the Sierra Nevada logo on their own IPAs to drive up profit margins.

“There’s no question people know what Sierra Nevada is,” noted legal scholar Simon Jabronski, “the real dicey issue is when every brewery wants to start tossing ‘Sierra Nevada’ all over their packaging, when who knows who the actual brewer could be. The next thing you know, we could have more than one brewery using the letters “IPA” on their labels, which would be clearly unacceptable.”  While generating a lawsuit may seem excessive over what would appears to be a completely trivial matter, stranger things have happened in the beer industry.

“Oh Sierra Nevada got all over my shit when I tried to pull that stunt,” lamented Jean Broillet IV, owner of Tired Hands Brewing Company in Ardmore, Pennsylvania, “those Chico fellas don’t mess around, you use their protected copyrighted logo on your own beer and all of a sudden, now you’re the asshole.  Times have changed since the Charlie Papazian days, I will tell you that much.”

Sierra Nevada expressed disappointment at the recent Tired Hands releases, most notably their MS Paint skills

Sierra Nevada expressed disappointment at the recent Tired Hands releases, most notably their MS Paint skills

Adding a further layer to this legal morass is the fact that Lagunitas has chosen to use Sierra Nevada’s secret ingredient in their forthcoming IPA: hops.  While the average consumer may not realize it, Sierra Nevada uses this esoteric plant as flavoring additive in several of their beers.  If every brewery began using hops in their brewing process, it would be a huge blow to the iconic taste of Sierra Nevada, IPA or otherwise.

Lagunitas has brazenly announced their intentions to add plant matter to their beers in a matter not unlike iconic Sierra Nevada offerings.

Lagunitas has brazenly announced their intentions to add plant matter to their beers in a matter not unlike iconic Sierra Nevada offerings.

The real victor in this fracas is InBev, who released the following statement: “while we do not currently know or understand what an IPA or HOPS are at this juncture, we are confident that we used them first and once this battle is decided, the prevailing party can look forward to endless legal battles from our Chelada legal department.  We won’t rest until Budweiser releases Sierra Lagunitas IPA brewed with whatever this new plant is revealed to be.”

DDB will continue to provide more details as this legal struggle unfolds.

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Duclaw Expands Distribution to North Carolina, Bottle Shops Buy Bottles of Endust in Preparation

Duclaw has made a bold announcement that they will be sending their punitive libations to a new market: North Carolina. The iconic Maryland brewery that produces such classic wares as ANTI VENOM, BARE ASS BLONDE, CONSECRATION BROWN ALE(C&D forthcoming), MORGAZM, AND DIRTY LITTLE FREAK, intends to ship cases of bottles to the thriving new market.  “With Foothill, Wicked Weed and Duck Rabbit doing so well, we were energized to send completely unrequested cases to needlessly consume shelf space indefinitely.  It is all very exciting,” Duclaw owner, Dave Benfield noted with oddly self-deprecating sagacity, “I look forward to visiting these same IPAs in the months to come.”

DuClaw brewing looks forward to expanding into new markets.

DuClaw brewing looks forward to expanding into new markets.

The store employees in North Carolina are equally prepared for the new products as well. “Yeah, in preparation of these certainly immovable new bottles, we cleared out a nice spot for them in the corner, I mean why even bother,” local bottleshop owner Michael Walmsley lamented, “I stocked up on dust wipes and compressed air in anticipation of seeing those same bottles sitting on the shelf for the next three years.”

North Carolina bottle shop employees fully support their respective owners’ decisions to stock Duclaw items, knowing that they will be compelled to stare at them day in and day out, a constant reminder of their own mortality and enduring stasis at an unfulfilling job. “Yeah, I started giving the bottles individual names, I know that a rabid pit bull has a better chance of getting adopted than those bottles of Colossus, so might as well get cozy with them,” Walmsley noted, already wiping layers of dust from the caps, “I swear the dust is preemptively attracted to these bottles, I can barely keep up.”

At press time, additional cases of unsold Duclaw products were arriving not unlike the brooms carrying buckets in Fantasia.  “Maybe I can make a little fort of all these cases and take a nap,” Walmsley mused with a longing for a future that could have been, free from immovable products crushing his soul in Sisyphean fashion.

2

Irrelevant Brewery Releases Beer Brewed with Strange Ingredient, Attention Seeking Bullshit Ensues

Local unknown and subpar brewery from a heretofore undiscovered region has announced their bold plans to release a beer made with some attention seeking bullshit.  “We listened to the nonexistent consumers and went with our gut to generate press in the most petty way possible,” head brewer noted confidently, “some people may see this as a completely tactless ruse to generate buzz for our other substandard boring lineup of fortgettable offerings, BUT THEY CAN JUST WAIT AND SEE.”

This shitty brewery may intend to use these, it doesn't matter.

This shitty brewery may intend to use these, it doesn’t matter.

This local brewery previously serviced the people around their general vicinity with underattenuated riffs on a California ale strain, that is until Head Brewer discovered the wonderful potential of this stupid kitschy gimmic ingredient.  “Yeah at first everyone was like ‘that doesn’t belong in beer, you use that to cure meats with’ but we wont listen to them, our desire to receive undeserved attention is too great.  We are too innovative and ambitious to hold ourselves back,” Head Brewer noted while slicing up vile portions of the gelatinous ingredient, to be added during the boil and into the secondary.

They are just gonna put basically whatever into the fermenter, who gives a shit

They are just gonna put basically whatever into the fermenter, who gives a shit

Most local patrons had already assumed the Local Brewery had shut down before they attempted to launch this most pathetic of marketing ploys.  Already this forgettable nothing brewery is generating linkshares from Aunts and ignorant co-workers alike, each more shocked than the last to see what wacky things these beer people like.  “Yeah, I heard about this irrelevant shitwater that I will never try, I even heard about the nonstandard ingredient that they added.  I keep having to hear about this bullshit from everyone who knows that I enjoy beer, ” local Craft Beer connoisseur lamented, “every time some shithole brewery does this, the links come pouring in from friends and relatives who assume I am into this stupid shit.  It never fails.”

Could the shitty base beer involve this ingredient? It really doesn't fucking matter.

Could the shitty base beer involve this ingredient? It really doesn’t fucking matter.

At press time the Irrelevant Brewery stated its plans to press on despite objections from insular completely unknown protest groups. “We wouldn’t be where we are today if we listened to people telling us how to brew and we aren’t about to ratchet up the actual quality of our beer when we can just add obscure items to it.  Call it simple, but that’s just what we believe here at Unknown Irrelevant Until Yesterday Brew Works,” the formless anonymous brewer stated with a gleaming pride.

As long as stupid people continue to share the link, who give a fuck if they actually use these.

As long as stupid people continue to share the link, who give a fuck if they actually use these.

UPDATE: the link concerning the shitty attention seeking beer has now been forwarded over 1.2m times and Forgettable Brewery now plans both a 100x increase in production and a new offsite facility to serve its nonexistent customer base.

1

Ten Reasons Why October Is the Absolute Shittiest Beer Month for People Who Love Beer

Every year, when autumn sets in and those leaves turn from green to whatever color leaves change where you live, every dipshit on the block decides to be interested in beer for a single month. Without fail, this month is October, every single year. For the uninitiated, October is a whimsical time of exploration, pumpkin spice and grocery store beers they can’t wait to tell everyone about. For the rest of the beer world, October is like pushing a glass rod into your dickhole and smashing it with a pumpkin. Today DDB will attempt to explain just why October is the absolute worst for people who are into beer year-round.

1) Fucking Octoberfest. Always Octoberfest.
You will start seeing Marzens, graters, fucking Roggenbiers and all other kinds of obscure German afterbirth hitting the shelves as early as August. This can mean only one thing, every asshole you are mildly associated with will be asking you to drink lukewarm lagers out of a 1 liter mug at some dumbfuck venue. Most beer nerds spend the better part of their year avoiding these styles altogether, but to everyone else YOU ARE THEIR BEER FRIEND THIS IS YOUR CHRISTMAS, RIGHT? Sure, there is a place for a clean refreshing German bier every once and again, but enjoying one with a bunch of assholes from accounting who want to ask you a hundred questions about the Reinheitsgebot over an oversized pretzel is never enjoyable.

HEY YOU LIKE BEER SURELY YOULL ENJOY HANGING OUT WITH DRUNK ASSHOLES DRINKING BEER YOU HATE RIGHT?

HEY YOU LIKE BEER SURELY YOULL ENJOY HANGING OUT WITH DRUNK ASSHOLES DRINKING BEER YOU HATE RIGHT?

2) Pumpkin Infused Everything.
For the average Whole Foods baller, the changing of the seasons activates an irritating need in their DNA to consume pumpkin everything: pies, lattes, KY lube- FOR THE LOVE OF GOURD. Without fail, the average beer nerd will get swept up in this bullshit. Your stepdad will buy you some awful pumpkin English Brown or someone will ask you incessant questions about the various pumpkin beers that they JUST HAD TO TRY WHILE THEY WHIP UP SOME MACAROONS. Beer nerds hate these beers and the spike of BeerAdvocate users and forum activity centered around pumpkin beers shows the critical mass of dipshits that flock to these on an annual basis. No thanks, Jeff.

3) Lifestyle Magazines Decide They Are Experts on Beer
During the month of October, every asshole with a subscription to Food and Wine decides that they need to dust off all their extraneous kitchen gear and whip up some awful shit to bring to holiday parties and family functions. October is the coronation of this shit-crowning and publications that previously were telling you which messenger bag is the snappiest now decide to report on BREAKING NEWS LIKE THE FOUR DIFFERENT TYPES OF SOUR ALES. It wouldn’t really matter if they just spread myopic dumbass information, but instead like FoodBabe herpes, people itch these and spread them to beer lovers and we have to suffer through these jizzgargling articles and grin and be like “oh, thanks Aunt Grace, I will look into these, yeah.” The worst is when do zero fucking research and then put together pairing guides with extremely rare beers that your friends will ask you about and then you look like a massive prick explaining how to obtain that beer, “oh the article told you to pair your pecan pastry with Kaggen Stormskatporter? Oh ok, well here let me explain why you will never fucking do that-”

FOR

FUCKS

SAKE

BEER FESTZ FUK YAAAA who carez wut we drinkn ITS FUKN BEEER!!!1!!LOLOL

BEER FESTZ FUK YAAAA who carez wut we drinkn ITS FUKN BEEER!!!1!!LOLOL

4) Colder Weather Makes Beta Casuals Adventurous in their Beer Selections
Usually a basement dwelling beer nerd can live in gentle repose, conforted by the sweet succor of barrel aged old ales or nuanced saisons. The above-ground population drinks adjunct lagers and witbiers and the world operates in seamless harmony. In October temperatures drop and all those Coachella assholes decide to be adventurous in the CVS and buy something that doesn’t look like a cup of clean piss you give to your parolee buddy. This would be great if these people treated this decision like any other consumer purchase instead of making it your problem the next day. Be prepared to hear all about this brand new STYLE OF BEER CALLED A PORTERS BECAUSE IT WAS MADE IN A PORT, IN PORTUGAL. Oh no problem, a 5 minute review of Young’s Banana Bread Beer? Tell me all about your palate adventures. Invariably, these assholes will need to drop weight around Valentines Day for that big one night stand they have been planning, and they forget all about beer. It’s the stretch-marked beer nerds who have to suffer through these stories day in and day out. If I just discovered football and decided to recount all of the FIRST DOWNS that I witnessed over the weekend, people would be like “this guy is a huge prick, keep it to yourself.” That’s how it feels to be asked a relentless series of questions about Blue Moon and why is LA FIN DU MONDE just so much better like seriously, its so good, have you had it? Oh you have well let me tell you WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT, please dont interrupt me-

Bro, we like beer but dont get all weird about it, hey have you tried WIDMER OR THIS HEMP ALE SO FUKN RAD

Bro, we like beer but dont get all weird about it, hey have you tried WIDMER OR THIS HEMP ALE SO FUKN RAD

5) Outdoor Beer Festivals
I can already see the backlash to this one, “WAIT DDB WHAT’S WRONG WITH ENJOYING FALL OUTSIDE AND TRYING SOME NEW BEERS! I AM NOT EVEN CIRCUMSIZED!” To which I will remind the average beer consumer that these festivals are a fucking nightmare for your “BEER FRIEND.” You remember how all year that portly guy in the last cubicle has been going to bottleshares, events, releases, and standing in industrial parking lots on weekends for beer? That’s how much he hates beer festivals. You never wanted to go to those events, and a beer nerd wants to go to a Beerfest expoentially less. If you have a friend who is really into beer, the prospect of paying $60 to drink Asahi and Magic Hat outdoors with a bunch of redfaced undergrads is the worst idea ever. Couple that with UNLIMITED POURS of Honker ale, long lines to get a 5oz pour of beer they don’t want in the first place, and casual dipshits who usually dont get drunk and you have an unchecked Cougarfest on your hands. Toss in an 80’s band for maximum rage. As if the foregoing wasn’t enough, the average beer nerd gets nothing but expectant looks from the normal friends like “WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SHIPYARD SMASHED BLUEBERRY HAVE YOU EVER HAD IT BEFORE? IT IS MINDBLOWING RIGHT? Oh…well we liked it…here let me explain to you why it is good in this 25 minute portapotty line-”

Reasons 6 through 10 are the people curmudgeonly described in a variety of ways.  You get the jist.

I could go on and on but the assholes who need to read this have SearchSafe activated and won’t understand this anyway. Time to bunker down through the nutmeg and allspice disaster until after New Year’s Eve.

8

Top 10 Reasons Why Basic Bitch Palates Love Adjunct Stouts

Between PIRATE BOMB, and BA MEXICAN CAKE SETS and BA ABRAXAS and BIGGELESWADE DERK LERD AND STONE’S NEW CINNAMON TOAST AFTERBIRTH PLACENTA EXTRAVAGANZA: we have been perineum deep in adjunct stouts. There is something about the allure of all them ingredients on the label that drive basic tickers absolutely banana sandwich. Today I try to sum up why n00bs and sundollar nippled basement dwellers LOVE THEM ADJUNTIFIED STOUTS:

1. THE ABV
Most people attempting to stretch their anuses in the beer game go micro -> hop head -> stouts -> big barrel aged beers -> and end up as the permavirgin lambic coveter you take pity on wearing a tribly scribbling in a Moleskin, shit people should never read. Those journals look like Kevin Spacey’s from Se7en. But in the middle of this degenerative reverse evolution, pussy tickers get it into their heads that a high abv is something difficult to pull off, and they are forged from the cauldron of Hephaestus just because they can slam a 13% abv beer. If you go to any basic bitch bottle share there will always be one dude talking about taking down HUUUUGE BEERS, his swampy armpits redolent with pasta water. Adjunct stouts serve up some high abv and that is anomalously a point of pride for people who don’t know shit. They eat it up.

2. THE COLOR, BRO
If you add chocolate or black patent malt to 168 degree water, you are a fucking genius and god among men. I know most people see you as a sugar water stirring fuckup who was dishonorably discharged from the Coast Guard, but you learned HOW TO MAKE WATER DARK AS FUCK. Basic tickers love this shit. They use tired ass adjectives and sheet it on the glass to get those furrowed foreskins pull taut. To their even more basic friends, its a sign of bragadocio when they get to pop wheelies with adjunct laden dark liquids. SOMEDAY YOULL GET ON THIS LEVEL MAN “OH WOW I DONT EVEN SEE HOW YOU CAN DRINK THAT, ALSO YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE BAKED BEANS, WOW.”

3. Flavors Any Dipshit Could Identify
If you haven’t tried that many beers, life can be a dizzying mystery of tastes and smells. NO ONE CALL TELL ME WHAT I SUBJECTIVELY TASTE IS WRONG. Is usually what someone who is completely fucking wrong will say. The basic bitch ticker loves adjunct stouts because the label says it right there. It’s like life insurance for their shitty impressions, no one can tell them that vanilla is not in there BECAUSE IT SAYS VANILLA RIGHT THERE ON THE LABEL MOM, GOD TELL ME BEFORE YOU COME DOWN HERE TO DO LAUNDRY. FUCK. Also, adding a fuck ton of an identifiable flavor makes it so they don’t need to learn about things like yeast strains, fermenting temps, or any nuances monoculture aspects. THEY JUST GET TO POINT OUT THE FUKN CINNAMEN BRUH!!!!

MFW i see someone offering up adjunct stout for an almost identical beer

MFW i see someone offering up adjunct stout for an almost identical beer

4. Loose Familiarity with the Base Beer
Usually a barrel aged adjunct stout has some sibling that the local dipshit picked up at the local Binny’s. It makes them feel safe and secure knowing that not only will they have tepid observations BUT THEY GET TO MAKE OBVIOUS CONTRASTS AS WELL. While the regular stout was chocolate, the one filled with a shitload of Ancho Peppers TASTES LIKE ANCHO PEPPERS HOLY FUCK 100/100 BJCP SCORE. It is also this grounding in the pedestrian that makes these tickers want the EVEN RARERER VERSION SO MUCH MOARRRR. Sometimes the adjunct versions are even shittier, but that doesn’t matter. Just imagine the look on that Birmingham Homebrew Club’s faces when you roll up with the LIMITED VERSION of some shit they got at the grocery store. King among sleep apnea afflicted men, indeed.

5. U GET TO BE THE BIG MAN AT A BOTTLE SHAER
Most beers that you can drink by yourself don’t lend themselves exclusively to sharing it amongst your 13 closest degenerates. If someone asked me to split a Fantome Ete 13 ways I would LOL and show them where the Hennepin is located. However, if you have a 15% adjunct stout, it begs to be shared like a Burning Angel model. The guy whose personal life is in shambles get to feel special and relevant for a fleeting moment for pouring 1oz into a semi-stranger’s glass. Transitions lenses be fogging up hard when that cocoa version comes out, oh shit AND THE PEANUT BUTTER ONE TOO GUYS LETS ALWAYS INVITE THIS SOCIAL MAVEN.

6. Low Bottle Counts
Plenty of styles have low bottle counts, but who the fuck is trying to drink a SAISON AMIRITE? That’s barely a step above a hef. But when it comes to produce laden stouts, those bottle counts are gospel, regardless of what is inside of them. Often times, someone will tell you the bottle count before they even tell you what the fuck the beer is, as though that’s some MSRP necessary information. Again, we can chalk this up to two parts feelings of inadequacy and one part wanting to have the most tumescent beer pud while standing in line for, you guessed it, more fucking beer.

If you don't know how to respect adjunct stouts, maybe you need to take a break from the trade boards until you get your shit together

If you don’t know how to respect adjunct stouts, maybe you need to take a break from the trade boards until you get your shit together

7. GOTTA COMPLETE THAT FUKN SETTTT
The compulsive behavior exhibited by the mid-tier beer nerd lends itself nicely to collecting: most nerds went from pogs, to pokemon, to magic the gathering, to fake numbers from women who were repulsed by them, to setlists from bands no one gives a shit about, until finally that completionist glow of having three slightly different versions of the same beer. Beyond just letting them rot in an Ohio basement, which is sick as fuck in itself, you also get to show them off when one of your 4 friends from the bowling league comes over. Tucked in glass cases like aborginal artifacts, too esoteric for the common guzzler to wrap his mind around. NO YOU FUKN IDIOT THAT ISN’T BOURBON BARREL …that’s the RYE BARREL. I await the day that the holofoil vvariant labels are released and shit gets really real in the field.

8. Become a Master of Comparing Shit No One Cares About
If you have 5 minutes to burn while sitting in your cell on death row, ask a beer nerd which variant he liked best from the 4 versions of the recent adjunct stout. I hope you brought a blankie and some snacks, that monologue will feel endlessly long, like chain smoking Salvia end on end. If you have ever heard one of these philippics you will know that cascading waves of “bourbon had more…but brandy was a touch sweeeter…we all agreed that tequila was too…oddly I loved the malort barrel…” just whipping through the air like a gawdy baton of wasted calories. It would be like if there was a Koren War for decadent dipshits and these people enlisted HARD on those one way missions. Then they return with some stories to tell, real gourmand shit that will chill your soul, you aint heard cardinal or ordinal lists like these before motherfucker, that goateed warrior HAS TASTED SOME THINGS YOU CANT EVEN IMAGINE.

9. FOMO Immunity
If a brewery releases a limited beer that most people miss out on, you can expect that shit to be alluded to a million times over as the benchmark of human progress and palate calibration. If you never tried Southampton Black Raspberry Lambic, then you don’t know SHIT and can’t comment on anything until you do. Take that paradigm and make it tenfold worse because stout aficionados are the absolute fucking worst in this regard. If you miss out on one of the 84 BOTTLES of Apple Brandy Huna, then, why should I even fucking listen to this person, it’s like he lives in a stinky cave and subsists off of hearts of palm. Ok you had CALI BRANDY but whoa whoa, easy buddy, the adults are talking about APPLE BRANDY, why don’t you return to your duplo blocks or whatever it is you put in your mouth. Ticking rare stouts gives you an immunization from anyone being able to ever reference something YOU MAY NOT HAVE TRIED. The shield also works as a weapon in case someone is pulling rank, you just cut their asses down to size by referencing OH YOU HAVENT HAD JUST RUM BARREL HUNA? ONLY THE DOUBLE BARREL ONE EVERY TRIED? OH WELL I CANT EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND. Then disappear in a cloud of black malty smoke like Altair.

with great gourmand power comes decadent responsibility

with great gourmand power comes decadent responsibility

10. Insightful 1oz Blending by Drunk Assholes
If merely trying the beer wasn’t sufficient, be sure to instagram a bunch of pics of you and your 14 closest homies pouring nominal amounts from the bottom of the bottles to make THE ULTIMATE BLEND. Because then if people tried them individually, you can always piggy back on the ULTIMATE blend of adjunct stouts, to one up anyone. Basic bitch tickers love this because it makes them feel novel, like if Armand or Uli got into a severe car accident and acted like a complete asshole for the rest of his life. And the thought of being a part of that creative process is like Marcel Proust dipping his madeline into tea, a wave of bitch ticker memories wash over these pedestrian ass traders like a Remembrance of Things Past.

So there you have it. If you didn’t understand it before, now you see why the world of meaningless adjunct liquids is so meaningful to people who have little and predicate their self values upon 1%er limited consumables.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE STOUT GAME WAS SUPREME

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE STOUT GAME WAS SUPREME