Boulder, CO – Associated Press
In a bold display of panache and disregard for convention, Avery Brewing Company has announced that they will be brewing and canning “Perzik” a saison brewed with peaches. “Those self-entitled millenials are gonna eat this shit up,” boasted owner/brewmaster Adam Avery, “we have been trying to hit that Ask.FM, ABC family demographic for a while and I think this will finally put us squarely in the laps of teenage girls, er, so to speak.”
The beer is a traditional Belgian saison, that has then been pasteurized, with peach extract added, and then packaged in cans, all in line with traditional Wallonian farmhouse methods. The saison will be available at liquor stores near middle schools with commercials airing during the competitive time slots of “The Thundermans” and “Harvey Danger.”
“If you really wanna get preteens into saisons, you’re gonna have to start pumping that traditional rusticity into their brains at the crest of 6th grade, otherwise we lose the post-braces market to Dupont or some shit,” Avery noted while writing variations of his last name with different female names preceding it in a binder, “We are trying to stay competitive and put saisons ahead of the curve. If there aren’t cans of Perzik covertly stashed under princess beds next to Twilight novels, we have failed as a brewery.”
At press time Avery was experimenting with enrolling clearly middle aged brewers at local high schools to boost brand recognition internally. “We hope to stain those retainers with our farmhouse cultures before the fourth quarter grades come in and kids get suspended for the summer,” Avery noted sagely while taking several selfies to post to his Snapchat followers.
When reached for comment, Blaugies owner/brewmaster Pierre-Alex Carlier noted “for me, I am, how you say, not try to make children to be drink farmhouse. Is cause for much sadness, making the can, the peach, is travesty, drunken children in geometry class….is sadness to me.”
More details as they develop.