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2 HOT 4 THRILLIST: The Nine Types of Shitlords You See at Every Bottleshare

Man, people were fucking pissed that DDB content was published by Thrillist, DDB is getting called a sellout/child rapist/holocaust denier/lion murderer, everything under the sun.  In the interest of fairness, here is the 1100 word piece that Thrillist passed on, hopefully this listcream serves to alleviate some of those anal fissures caused by your feelings of entitlement to thousands of words of free content on a daily basis:

THE NINE TYPES OF SHITLORDS YOU SEE AT EVERY BOTTLESHARE

In the world of rare craft beer, there is a grinding undulating ritual that occurs amongst sticky neckbearded basement dwellers: the bottle share.  This ritual of iniquity used to be about meeting with friends who shared a common love for beer and opening them together.  Given the influx of new money to the world of craft beer, coupled with covetous dipshits and skyrocketing values of rare bottles, beer traders are now forced to unite and share the tiniest of pours with people they may not even like or know.  Tips will be mushed.  Space will be docked.  Since these vulgar proceedings are becoming de rigeur, it seems only fitting to chronicle the types of assholes you will see at a beer bottleshare, should you decide to debase yourself and attend one.

1)  The Moleskin Baller

Don’t even try to talk to this asshole.  This is the beer enthusiant who is obsessed with chronicling his life as a real time documentary instead of actually living it.  You will see his trilby gazing downwards, scribbling in a notebook pithy adjectives that no one cares about.  If you attempt to engage this introvert he will like mutter something about “monoculture saturation” and get back to his srs bznezz journal.  Don’t waste your time.

bottle clutching deviants

bottle clutching deviants

2) The Imaginary Badge Enthusiast

Some beer nerds break their cocks in half trying to earn badges on Untappd.  This dude pushes things to the limit with his self-aggrandizing app and will check in every single drop of beer that he tastes, even if it is a lukewarm meniscus, the single digit reviews will be forthcoming.  God forbid two of these dipshits sit next to one another at one time, the furious grinding of toasts and badge comparisons will resonate anechoic through your soul.

3)  The DSLR Dipshit

If you thought beer was about candid discussion or enjoying the company of others, then you will want to avoid captain Canon 70D at all costs.  This is the type of person who brings a lightbox to a tasting with multiple lenses acting like that shit is somehow socially acceptable.  Watch your elbows while pouring because this squatting misanthrope will be taking low angle high F-stop pics to make sure every bubble of that predictable ass carbonation is documented.  Because that’s what you want at an event where you get getting completely rekt, some officious Annie Leibovitz pushing a telescopic lens into your greasy red face saving every candid moment in 21mp and 4K HD video.

WHICH NUMBR R U THO

WHICH NUMBR R U THO

4) The Undergrad Johnny Come Lately

Inevitably at any bottle share someone will bring a beta casual friend who knows fuck all about beer. These people usually start off nice enough but after a couple pours, prepare yourself to hear all about some shitty smoked vienna lager that he had when he studied abroad. This person gets brassier as the night goes on and will ask a litany of questions to anyone within earshot.  If you feel like explaining what yeast is, how mashing works, what a lambic is, and listen to endless TRAPPIST anecdotes, feel free to sit next to this dude.

5) The Incredibly Tolerant Asian Girlfriend

At any share full of obese, red-faced, grimy manchildren, there will always be one incredibly forgiving Asian girlfriend with her arms folded. While grown men debate over sugarwater, she will endure on, quietly suffering the tired banter and quips from the shameful attendees.  At some point in the proceedings she will be subject to latent misogyny or condescension  from some cocksure guest who wants to feel relevant in his niche hobby.  She always knows as much or more about beer than most of the people at the party by virtue of being subjected to the constant prattling about barleywines on a daily basis. This person will remind you that bottleshares are the worst and that you should eat some Pirate’s Booty and leave this stupid hobby predicated on excess.

hot bitches at all my shares bruxellis

hot bitches at all my shares bruxellis

6)  Captain Categorical Statement

This guy will loudly provide his opinion on each and every beer before you even taste it.  You will be able to spot him in his brewery screen print t-shirt immediately.  This is the type of person who provides you with ordinal rankings of every beer in each style, extroverted to a fault.  Prepare for sweeping generalizations, absolutes, and contrarian banter from this type of dipshit.  Just nod when you hear him proclaim “SAISONS WITH BRETT IN THEM AREN’T REALLY SAISON” or “ALL BLACK IPAS SHOULD BE CALLED CASCADIAN DARK ALES” or “KING HENRY IS THE BEST BARLEYWINE THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE AND IT WILL NEVER BE MADE AGAIN.”  You dont need to know this guy.  He likely works at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car by day and this is all he has.  Just leave him alone.

7)  The Fermentation Revisionist

I hope you love living in the past, because if you sit next to this dude, it is all that you will be hearing about.  Just try taking a sip of this year’s vintage and prepare for this guy to spin some yarns about how LAST YEARS BATCH WAS MORE ATTENUATED or THE HEAD BREWER LEFT and THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE or THIS HAS FALLEN OFF SINCE I LAST HAD IT.  This is the real world equivalent of the high school cicerone who got injured and his palate was never able to go pro. God help you if you haven’t tried every single beer from the mid-90s onward, because this man will pepper you with references to beers you could never have tried, namely because you were 11 at the time.  Don’t engage this person, he is an endless beer wikipedia full to the brim of useless bullshit.

WILL THERE BE A SEAT AT THE TASTING FOR MY REAL DOLL? I dont want her to b jealus

WILL THERE BE A SEAT AT THE TASTING FOR MY REAL DOLL? I dont want her to b jealus

8) The ABV Obsessor

Invariably there will be someone new to craft beer whose sole barometer of quality is the alcohol by volume in a beer.  The WOOOO! Probability Index is off the charts with this one, and heaven help you if someone opens up an old ale.  First pumping will be forthcoming, with pithy phrases like “AT 13% ABV IS IT EVEN BEER AT THAT POINT! LOLOL!!!!” This is the party responsible for piss on and around the bathroom rug.

9)  The Designated Driver

This person will be subjected to the arrows of outrageous fortune and bear it grimly, sipping Perrier with gritted teeth. In the age of Uber, you probably wont be able to comprehend what type of person would put themselves through a bottleshare sober when you can barely tolerate these Fedex Ballers while shithouse drunk.  He is a figure of herculean strength and stoicism worthy of your reverence.  Again, don’t talk to him, your eyes are mirrored pools that reflect your own fun times, a grating reminder of his abstinence.  Don’t rub it in.

OH FUK Bottleshare badass detected ABORT

OH FUK Bottleshare badass detected ABORT

Don’t go to a bottleshare, ever.  No matter what they are opening, it is not worth it.  Take up Gundam models or Magic: the Gathering instead, craft beer is an undulating pit of disgusting sugary chest hair and you’re better off avoiding it altogether.

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I HAVE GOSE OPINIONS: Clickbait Bullshit from a Presumptive Dumbass

Hot on the heels of sifting through mountains of derivative garbage about the HARD WAY and PEACH PUMPKIN BEER, we have this week’s incendiary bullshit for the beer scene to address with baleful contemplation:

A verbose article groundlessly objecting to Gose, by an uninformed dipshit

Now we can already take it as a solid premise that Thrillist is THE go-to spot for hot beer news. It is undisputed that this isn’t some shitty newsletter turned clickbait factory that pushes the consumeristic drives of the late 20’s male demographic. This is a company that purchased JACKTHREADS to ensure beer nerds have nicely tailored vests, corduroy suits, and email services to refer/mine any user data to drive readers into purchasing more and more shit that they don’t want or need: We are talking a srs authority on all things beer.

So who did they get to tackle this hot-button issue of GOSE RUINING THE ENTIRE CRAFT BEER SCENE? Zarathustra himself, JOE FUCKING KEOHANE. Now if you know anything about the beer world, this guy is practically the Jean Van Roy of beer palates and the neo-Charlie Papazian of unbridled beer knowledge. Thrillist would accept nothing less for a matter of such grave ethos and uncompromising importance. GOSE IS RUINING AN ENTIRE MARKET SEGMENT AND A NEEDLESSLY LENGTHY SERIES OF SUBJECTIVE IMPRESSIONS WILL PROVE IT.

You knew Thrillist was serious, they don’t just toss content onto their site hoping to sell you shitty barware or gawdy apparrel, I mean, just look at the gravitas of this incredible exposé: THE 13 NAUGHTIEST THINGS YOU CAN DO IN ATLANTA

So we know the site has unimpeachable credibility in its intentions, but what about the monolith of authority, Mr. Joe Keohane, the master of all Cicerones?

Well not only does he have an extensive background in beer and beer culture (don’t worry, he doesn’t) he also has penned these gems:

A bunch of shit for Esquire magazine, none of which is about beer.

But we already know that Esquire themselves are the UNDISPUTED MASTERS OF BEER KNOWLEDGE

But enough about KNOWLEDGE and CREDENTIALS and EXPERIENCE, let’s examine why this one ignorant dumbass has predicated the death of all craft beer on hasty generalizations and opaque vapid observations. Let’s do that.

Joe Keohane might as well have written the entire article about Thundercats toys

Joe Keohane might as well have written the netire article about Thundercats toys

Alright so you get three solid entry paragraphs of fondant with a zero calorie breakdown of the history of craft beer, and then finally Mr. Keohane, grand vicar of all ales gives a sketchy history of the gose style. The entire article reads less like some derivative opinion piece and more like your mailman trying to tell you about this segment he saw on Hardcopy, and then does a shitty job of it. The author notes that he did some extensive research though, dont worry, “[he] went to three craft beer stores today in search of more varieties to cement (or rebut) [his] opinion, and the first two were completely sold out. The third had two left.”

Is the budget of the $1 billon Thrillist really that paper thin? IS the author really that fucking lazy? Then the entire article is drawn from a trip to three whole stores and then generalizations leveled predicated upon sampling TWO fucking goses? That would be like if I wanted to write a piece for Jezebel on male hegemony and privilege in the workplace and then I went to Barnes and Noble and looked at the covers of some Betty Friedan and Kate Millett books and called it a day.

Goses are like this Cheetara toy in that I don't know what the fuck I am talking about

Goses are like this Cheetara toy in that I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about

At its core, the author lacks the one thing that you would expect from an article about, well, anything: authority. If this were a shitty livejounral entry entitled “TODAY I TRIED A SALTY THING I DIDNT LIKE” we could dual list it under homoeroticism and stupid uninformed rant that you could readily dismiss. Instead it is presented as a legitimate inquiry into an entire style of beer and the mechanics of destruction attendant to an entire economy and culture. Or wait, maybe it is a horrible broad generalization about shit that the author has not idea about. Maybe the title served to drive up referral links, responses, and watered down alexa traffic to pump this shitlord of a website trying to sell you tacky Ben Sherman messenger bags. NAH I AM SUER THAT JOE KEOHANE TRIED HIS BEST THAT’S WHAT MATTERS.

In case you couldn’t tell by his run on sentences, multiple independent clauses and irrelevant comparisons to other areas of culture: Joe Keohane doesn’t know shit about beer and his opinion is as irrelevant as a 9th grader’s stance on sub-prime mortgages.

THe thing you need to know about gose is, well, this is a Mumra toy.  I trust you see the clear parallel.

THe thing you need to know about gose is, well, this is a Mumra toy. I trust you see the clear parallel.

So taking that with a grain of gose, you can read laughably faulty logic like “If Gose was that worthy of so much excitement and attention from America’s world-class brewers and drinkers, we simply would have gotten to it by now” with a wry smile like seeing a Nascar fan in the adult literacy school: he is just trying his best. Because that’s what craft beer is, a sweaty neckbeard with a clipboard just combing through old styles to revitalize, AND WE JUST DIDNT GET TO GOSE FAST ENOUGH. Shit why not “SAISONS HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES THEY HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO BECOME POPULAR BUT THEY ARENT AS POPULAR AS IPAS THEREFORE, HERE ARE 900 WORDS OF MISGUIDED BULLSHIT, MY OPINION PRESENTED AS LEGITIMATE RESEARCHED FACTS.”

credit: wired.com

Thrillist owner Ben Lerer discusses how to get people to buy shitty sneakers and how Joe Keohane desrves a raise

I don’t mind if someone is an ignorant dipshit, as long as they are entertaining. IF they are not entertaining, then at least be informative. If not informative, at least be well written. Joe Keohane is the furthest bottom right segment of the Punnett square of beer writing, comletely undesirable recessive traits: boring, unfunny, incorrect, shitty writing presented from a pulpit of stern earnestness. It really is as bad as the beer game gets.

I guess in being exceptionally shitty Joe Keohane can show us all how to draw tired irrelevant parallels to Prince and foodie culture, and in the sheer lack of merit, we are all edified by peering at how trifling beer journalism can be.