Top Five Beers to Drink on Cinco De Mayo if You Are an Ignorant Asshole

CINCO DE FUXXKIN MAYO.  Time to slam overpriced rebranded inbev products and make racist caricatures! OH AND SUPPORT MULTINATIONAL TEQUILA CONGLOMERATES LOL.

Everyone loves this day of the year, if only because Mexican culture has affected the average craft beer drinker in such a profound way, that the average dipshit cant be expected to know the history of the holiday.  Usually you will see microbreweries with lagers bearing faux-racist names pandering out some microaggressions, or stouts with cinnamon and chilis in them because LOL MOLE, THEY LIKE THAT AMIRITE.

Since the type of person who blows fat stacks on consumable items doesn’t have the time or means to pay legitimate homage to the holiday or understand its historical roots LET’S MAKE A LIST OF CRAFT BEERS TO CELEBRATE CINCO DE DRINKO WITH!!!!

1)  Hill Farmstead Ephraim


This has about as much to do with Mexican history as most of the shit I see

Fuck those DIPA hops from Vermont sure do allow me to pay solemn respect for the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French military forces on May 5, 1892, under the command of General Ignacio Zaragosa Seguin.  That massive ABV and citrus profile tastes so good when you erroneously call Cinco De Mayo “MEXICOS FOURTH OF JULY.”

2) Logsdon Peche n Brett


If you thought I would make a produce harvesting joke, think again, because that would denature the structural credibility of my own soap box

Massive farmhouse ales are always deliciously paired with Enchiritos, Crunchwrap Supremes, or some other food developed by YUM Foods that Mexican people do not actually eat.  This beer is 10% abv and you will slam it and totally forget that Mexico’s Independence Day is actually on September 16th, but you’re tryna holler at that Bolivian girl in the Maxi dress because Bolivia is like a Mexican city basically.

3) Troegs Splinter Blue


Knowing that you spent the same amount of money on a single stupid fucking beer than an undocumented landscaper makes in an entire week just bolsters the old self esteem, CHEERS TO YOUR EXCESS

Nothing says Cinco De Mayo like wildly expensive rare beers from Pennsylvania. I mean sure, Cinco De Mayo may not even be a national holiday in Mexco, but your life of privilege allows you to take the day off in Mexico’s honor.  Hell take two days off because those CORONA HANGOVERS AMIRITE? Don’t even act like you know where the state of Puebla is you geocentric dumbfuck.  If you drink enough of this you will inevitably ask a Hispanic person “Which kind of Mexican are you from?” and they will silently put up with your bullshit

4) Alpine Great Barleywine


After a long day of being paid crippling poverty wages for unskilled labor, pass the 15% abv barleywine already

From the time of Mexican Independence in 1821 to the time of this battle in 1862, México suffered numerous setbacks in its attempts to form a stable republic, and endured several incursions into its sovereignty as an independent nation. SO LETS GET FUKNNNN WASTED. Great is a solid ass beer to get you hella wasted, and provides enough liquid courage for you to put a pancho over your Hollister v neck and shake plastic maracas offensively… just before someone puts a large sombrero on your head so you seem outgoing and fun, not just some dipshit who is the manager of an Express for Men.  The best part about Alpine Great is that it might even get you wasted enough to think that putting a fake mustache on with mardi gras beads is acceptable. CINCO DE SUCCESS IF YOU ASK ME.

5) Literally any beer, you don’t honestly give a shit


It seriously doesn’t even matter

All that shit is made by Grupo Modelo. a huge ass factory in Mexico owned by Belgian-Brazilian company Inbev. It has 63% of the Mexican beer market and exports beer to most countries of the world. Its export brands include Corona, Modelo, Pacifico and a bunch of other shit.  It doesn’t really matter what you choose, you’re probably an asshole. Right about now someone will bring up Constellation Brands, and how in June 2013 the company, which formerly imported Corona and other Modelo brands to the United States, acquired the US rights to those brands as a part of an anti-trust settlement permitting Modelo’s acquisition by Inbev along with a brewery in Mexico. It now produces its own versions of those products for the US, with Modelo serving all other countries.

No one gives a shit. This beer blog is the section 8 housing of the internet.


Corona Extra (Coronita), Well Coronita Extra, for those times when 7oz is All You Need, You Only Live Once that’s the motto of the YOLO

What can I say about this Lake Havasu gem? This is the “fancy” beer on menus at resaturants above and beyond that old pedestrian Bud Light offering, worlds above any malt liquors, and the universally accepts currency of easy girls here and abroad. Right? Is that the selling point of a beer? We will get to the bottom of this mystery before you push a lime into yourself in today’s review.

Turn a square girl into a bi-chick, we just out here trying to function.

Grupo Modelo S.A. de C.V.
American Adjunct Lager | 4.60% ABV

I can just say what everyone is thinking: “WHOA HOLD YOUR HORSES, 4.6% I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT” well buckle in because even when I turn the traction control on, shit is rough. Just pouring this beer reminds me of the cigarette burns in movie reels where you know a scene is about to be missing, but that usually takes place with this gem and other hard hitting interlocutors. No one ever got hurt on Coronitas alone. Well maybe, but they ain’t balling out like this, and no amount of 4.6% shit will pierce this Hydralisk carapace.

You expected some islander adventure and shit just went awry.

The pour looks like, agh, I have to go anywhere except the obligatory urine sample joke so I will say, the robes of an incontinent pre-teen? It has a mild radiance in the way the smoldering ex-boyfriend pictures have a faint resolute glow but the pain is still there. The smell is not, bad? It actually reminds me of when I was 19 and working out took full precedence in my life and I got to almost non-nauseating standards. The pear was least ripe, is what I am trying to communicate. This one time I read in Men’s Health that you should preserve the water of boiled vegetables, and I drank it. This is the smell i encountered. It has a deep b12, corn, sweet sucrose, and white rice. Not even mad tho.

I am not saying you should expect something high brow, just know that what you are seeking is inherently disappointing.

The taste kinda reminds me of those times when you say “fuck it” and eat a mint that has been washed in your jeans. You get a basic alkaline element that subsides to a strange vegetal aspect, like tongue kissing a vegan girl. When you exhale, it is like you know you aren’t getting into a club almost immediately. The rice aspects manifest themselves in a “clean finish” aspect that is akin to officious window washings from homeless people at a freeway turnpike. It feels clean but, you know the truth.

It's not that you don't drink good beer, you must also fail at beer by drinking this. Kevin Chang says so.

Ultimately, the drinkability crushes it out of the park and remains the single redeeming aspect of this beer. If you cannot drink other beers, this will be the ONLY aspect of redemption to you and that is fine, I can’t stand port, no one is bonging it up my ass, I am fine with it. This is ultimately a non-beer drinker’s beer, not for the aspects of “FUCK YOU, DRINK A 15% stout” but in the manner that the sheer taste and finish is closer to vegetables, soda, salt water, and pennies than the average beer. Not even trying to big league on this front, I love Rolling Rock without qualifier, and this shit gets destroyed in that bracket by all accounts. I guess in the off scenario that you are courting a tolerant 15 year old girl, this is your…go…to?

Even after a solid 6 pack of -nitas (42oz) I am wondering where my night wetn and when shit will begin.

Narrative: No. I refuse. This will be a pejorative story about some thinly veiled scapegoat character named Shitbot that processed corn and pushed out manure or something. Let’s not waste everyone’s time with an underhanded diss to the tune of 250 words, you can write your own.