Area Man Enjoys Local Brewery, Believes it to be the Best in the World


Associated Fermentation Press

Billingsly delivering his earth-shattering announcement

Billingsly delivering his earth-shattering announcement

Area Spokane resident and National Forestry Service employee, Jon Billingsly, made the unprecedented determination that his local brewery, Iron Goat Brewing Co., is the best in the entire world. “I been coming to the Goat for, shit, three years now, nothin else compares,” Billingsly noted while enjoying a pint of “Trashy Blonde”, “I mean, they got a porter on, a scotch ale on AND an irish red, at the same damn time.  Who else is doin’ what the Goat is doin?”

Pictured above, purveyors of the best beer in existence.

Pictured above, purveyors of the best beer in existence.

Billingsly admitted that he had not been to any other brewery aside from B.J.’s outside of the greater Spokane area, but defiantly stood by his sweeping appraisal that no brewery of greater quality could possibly exist.  “I don’t need to go to France and try Belgian beers or German triples or whatever, shit, they just put a keg of Cap’n Kidd wee heavy on, you seein this shit?” Billingsly gesticulated while spitting Skoal into a nearby pint glass, “plus they tell my wife I ain’t here when they got the live music goin on Tuesday nights, who else does that for a guy?”

When presented with innumerable other breweries or suggestions that could undermine his position, Billingsly remained recalcitrant. “‘Drink local’ alright, local is always gonna be best.  No doubt in my mind. And hell, if your local ain’t like Iron Goat, well then, you’re shit outta luck buddy because we already got the best,” Billingsly noted and began pumping his fist when the local cover band, “The Shit Kickers” began playing an Eric Church song.

pictured above, the pinnacle of beer progress as we now know it.

pictured above, the pinnacle of beer progress as we now know it.

Owner, Greg Brandt, sagely commented, “We named Iron Goat after a famous goat in Spokane who eats garbage.  Our ‘Garbage Pale Ale’ is named after that same goat.  You tell me another brewery with that degree of self-awareness and connection to the community.  the Iron Goat stands by Jon’s ruling.”

At press time the Iron Goat had just tapped a keg of “Punkid Punkin Ale” and Jon Billingsly nodded in solemn affirmation, resolute in his convictions, noting “there’s not a doubt in my god-damned mind.”


Westvleteren 12, Quad, The Best Beer Ev, hey guys look out a snip-

The #1 Beer in the World, Ever.  Apparently.

The #1 Beer in the World. Now FDA Approved for Children, if they're super chill.

Oh wait, a little midweek bonus? The best beer
in the world? I guess I will close cuteoverload.com to check this out.

Westvleteren 12, Quad, 10.2% abv

A: Deep dark mahogany, one of the darkest quads that I have ever seen with incredibly tiny bubbles and very minimal lacing. When held to the light it has a type of a deep ruby glow to it. Like the blushing of that polynesian girl you used to flatter with such coquetry. Her deep wheezing indicating laughter for their kind.

S: Caramel, plums, candied walnuts, and raisins are on the nose of this beer with a bit of a waft of booziness. The fruits have a bit of dry waft to them, like a dark chardonnay. It smells like a KB Home after a serious bender/Nurse Jackie marathon with some 30 somethings. Merlot and dates are def present up in the mix.

T: The taste imparts itself quickly and doesn’t linger for long, it is similar to the nose and has a swift fig, date, raisin taste to it that washes with a mild hop swallow to it. There is almost zero alcohol presence to this beer and the sweet brown sugar lingering notes are fantastic. It is amazing, it makes me feel like I had a peg leg, but I was deft and capable with it, collecting coins in my Expos hat.

M: This has an incredibly light and almost strikingly simple mouthfeel to it. It didn’t have a big breadiness or huge malty backbone but, given all the flavor present, it is not lacking as a result. It’s like one of those really pleasant old friends you see in the grocery store, enjoy the interaction for a bit, and then go on your way. Except you probably wont see them again for a long time. it is deceptively simple, and you end up leaving the test knowing that “testicles” was not the correct answer on the multiple question test. Just relax, the answer is always testicles.

D: This is the most drinkable quad I had ever tasted and it is almost a travesty to only have a single 33cl bottle because you finish it and are prepared for another. This beer is a paradox because it is very complex on the flavor profile but swift and simple at the same time. Like those old Craiglists grifters who impart a deep fruit taste but empty my bank account.

Narrative: The Latvian police fired a single 22mm shot from a pathetic ruger at the fleeing Econoline van. “Wesley! They’re gonna open fire on us! What are we supposed to do now!” Sverdyakov shouted while tensely staring in his rear view mirror. Wesley Westvleteren the 12th took a drag from his hand rolled Belgian cigarillo and exhaled coolly, making the outline of a Portugese Man-o-war effortlessly. “I shall tell you what shall be done” he noted while spying the pricelessly rare Pez cargo “we shall make a swift right on the upcoming Ave 12×4 on the gps, then make a hard right for the abandoned canal, on Tuesdays the water gates are left bereft of any moisture for cleaning. “ The slack jawed Russian thugs nodded astonished and proceeded to follow his instructions to the letter. A Latvian police office smashed into a water pump and the tiny Peugeot exploded in a cloud of cheap eastern European diesel fuel. “A concordant of worms indeed” he quipped as he pulled a raisin fig pez candy from one of the clear sacks and popped it into his mouth, “the rarest deepest fruits, certainly worth the struggle.” The van made a sharp turn across the border and two police cars smashed into one another in a comically archetypical fashion. Westy the 12th was a man of many things, but “fucking around” was not on his resume.