Duclaw has made a bold announcement that they will be sending their punitive libations to a new market: North Carolina. The iconic Maryland brewery that produces such classic wares as ANTI VENOM, BARE ASS BLONDE, CONSECRATION BROWN ALE(C&D forthcoming), MORGAZM, AND DIRTY LITTLE FREAK, intends to ship cases of bottles to the thriving new market. “With Foothill, Wicked Weed and Duck Rabbit doing so well, we were energized to send completely unrequested cases to needlessly consume shelf space indefinitely. It is all very exciting,” Duclaw owner, Dave Benfield noted with oddly self-deprecating sagacity, “I look forward to visiting these same IPAs in the months to come.”
The store employees in North Carolina are equally prepared for the new products as well. “Yeah, in preparation of these certainly immovable new bottles, we cleared out a nice spot for them in the corner, I mean why even bother,” local bottleshop owner Michael Walmsley lamented, “I stocked up on dust wipes and compressed air in anticipation of seeing those same bottles sitting on the shelf for the next three years.”
North Carolina bottle shop employees fully support their respective owners’ decisions to stock Duclaw items, knowing that they will be compelled to stare at them day in and day out, a constant reminder of their own mortality and enduring stasis at an unfulfilling job. “Yeah, I started giving the bottles individual names, I know that a rabid pit bull has a better chance of getting adopted than those bottles of Colossus, so might as well get cozy with them,” Walmsley noted, already wiping layers of dust from the caps, “I swear the dust is preemptively attracted to these bottles, I can barely keep up.”
At press time, additional cases of unsold Duclaw products were arriving not unlike the brooms carrying buckets in Fantasia. “Maybe I can make a little fort of all these cases and take a nap,” Walmsley mused with a longing for a future that could have been, free from immovable products crushing his soul in Sisyphean fashion.