Alright, if your Google feed is clogged with nothing but lambic, belgian, kriek, framboise, and goozie posts then you already know the dramatics that are currently unfurling at Brassiere Cantillon AS WE SPEAK:
SOMEONE STOLE SOME BOTTLES FROM INSIDE THE CANTILLON BREWERY
We aren’t talking the normal kerks or bio goozies you can get in the forgeiners section at Binnys: we are talking legit whales being stolen and transplanted Free Willy style. Instead of a killer whale jumping over a maladjusted boy, we have some anonymous Belgian culprits who may have pulled the greatest lambic heist since the 1991 Timmerman’s 11 robbery. The major difference being that people actually want to drink these bottles.
Notwithstanding, there are many unconfirmed rumors and fingerpointing/banging at this juncture. To help simplify matters, the forensic crime squad at DDB (DDB:SVUCSLLU) has assembled a list of the top ten most likely parties involved in this racketeering scheme:
NUMBER TEN: Bill Herlicka, Founder of White Birch
Criminal Mastermind at work
It is well-established that White Birch makes the SECOND best sour ales in the entire world. Not content with living in Jean Van Roy’s shadow, Mr. Herlicka is a completely viable candidate to swipe these bottles for the precious dregs at the bottom. Brewing is a dirty game and you gotta break a few eggs to make a lambic omelette, this guy perhaps is propagating Loerik dregs AS YOU ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW.
NUMBER NINE: Locke, from Final Fantasy III(VI)
Pictured above: Locke stripping a brewer stark naked in the streets of Brussels, zero fuxx given
This shady character is known for ripping off items. Whether it is jacking elixirs from barrels in Figaro, or getting all up on Kefka’s coin purse, I would not put it past him to come up on some Pikkachu’s or them late 90’s bangers. Detectives are looking for sprint shoe footprints at the time this article was posted.
NUMBER EIGHT: Trady, Negligent Moderator of Talkbeer.com
Previous failed plans pictured above
Long rumored to be “the worst” and patently negligent in executing his duties, several sources have provided tips that allude to Trady’s involvement in this scheme. First and foremost, he has not proven himself not guilty, which under Belgian law is worse than being actually guilty. Second, this man’s alleged benevolence in running BIFs exists as a smokescreen for his more nefarious intentions. If you see Trady attempting to swap bottles of anything outside of Carton Boat Beer, then you will know something is amiss from this New Jersey miscreant.
NUMBER SEVEN: Bitzy, bad trader from 2010 that everyone likely forgot about.
The mind of a larcenous genius ticks behind that calm facade.
Most of my readers aren’t even old enough to remember Bitzy, but essentially on BA about 4 years ago this criminal savant duped someone into sending him beer WHILE HE WAS IN COLLEGE. The scheme was as well-oiled as a Rube Goldberg machine and Bitzy later noted that his parents were no longer paying for his habits, AND HE VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE ON THE LAMB. He remains at large and cannot be ruled out as a suspect in this highly-nuanced plot.
NUMBER SIX: JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME SPECIFICALLY IN TIME COP
Surveillance footage of Van Damme inside of Brassiere Fantome in Soy.
The story at this juncture is that the bottles were taken by “some Belgian dudes” however, no one has yet ruled out the possibility that it is the SAME BELGIAN DUDE FROM TWO TIMELINES. JCVD is just the type of crafty individual to pull off this scheme, and furthermore, the pacifist beer nerd persona wont speak up when he sees someone cutting in line, let alone when an ex-kickboxer is walking out with crates of DQ. When asked for comment, Jean Claude kicked the DDB correspondent through a pile of Fantome crates.
NUMBER FIVE: AIR DOG from NBA Jam
Last photo on file of this 16-bit asshole
This criminal’s whereabouts have been unknown since the PS1 era in 1996, but simple mathematics demonstrates that he is now able to drink and has a penchant for expensive ass lambic. Air Dog is a child who is a secret character in the console versions of the original NBA Jam, Tournament Edition, as well as NBA Jam Extreme, but to the FBI he is a criminal mastermind capable of 360 dunking an entire case of Vigneronne through a tiny brewery window. You ever wonder why there were only 230 bottles of Beatification batch 4 released? FUCKING AIR DOG STRIKES AGAIN.
NUMBER FOUR: DICK PARSONS, CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers
Pictured above: NBA CEO not about to say something racist
The former head of both Time Warner and Citigroup has assumed the reigns of interim CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers and he has plenty to celebrate about. If you think he is going to use a cliche magnum of Dom P to celebrate this new acquisition, you are sorely mistaken. This financial wizard is capable of almost anything and I would not be shocked to see a jereboam Don Quixote showering over Honduran Clippers fans in the forthcoming parade that is inevitable.
NUMBER THREE: Justin Fucking Bieber
Justin Bieber pictured above with Madison BEER. No coincidences here, folks.
This pubeless phenom has dropped more Limited Too thongs than a pediatrcian, but that simply is not enough. The Biebs will be of legal drinking age soon, and if you think he is settling for Cigar City Deja Vu, you are dead fucking wrong. JB slipped his waify frame through the gate at Cantillon, shimmied his svelte glistening tiny pecs across the koelschip and waited in the mash tun for his time to strike. His obliques were dripping with sticky sweet wort, cascading along the v-li-
NUMBER TWO: RICH HOME QUAN
Pictured above: Mr. Homie Quan in front of what can only be assumed to be Drie Fonteinen’s satellite brewing location in Atlanta.
If you follow Worldstarhiphop, which I am sure every one of my beta, malty mouthed readers does, then you know Rich Homie Quan HAD A FUCKING SEIZURE RECENTLY. Now of course, his publicist is gonna make his cite exhaustion and the Atlanta humidity — and not drugs — for his recent collapse in Atlanta, but if you have ever took a deep ass pull of Spuyten, you know that whalesauce will hit you hard. Even if you are accustomed to Promethazene mixed with Sierra Mist, rare lambic will put you on your ass. Local ratchets/employees of Magic City noted that they saw “bottles of a Cowboy looking Purple Drank falling all out of his bus.” For anyone who has had too much Blabaer and woken up beside a confused young Samoan, you know this tale all too well.
AND FINALLY THE NUMBER ONE SUSPECT WHO STOLE ALL THOSE BOTTLES OF CANTILLON:
Failed MTV VJ Jesse Camp
The face of pure evil and distilled genius
If you are going to scoop up thousands of dollars in lambic and get off scot-free, you better be a Thanatos-level criminal mastermind. The first-ever winner of the “Wanna Be a VJ” contest, Jesse rocketed to a successful, two-year run as class clown on the network, including his own show, Lunch With Jesse. But during this run in the late 90’s he got a taste for that sweet honey pot, that sticky icky goozie bug. He tricked the entire world into thinking he was a dipshit and a complete idiot, just to fuel his love for spontaneously fermented beers. Belgian military have been instructed to shoot on sight anyone who looks like Jesse or is suspected of shopping at American Apparrel, all Urban Outfitters patrons will be water-boarded for posterity.
This is a case in progress and all leads will be examined, more details as they develop, don’t even bother checking other beer sites, DDB has this one on lock.