We took the new Hashbox munchies from Jack in the Box and did a Hashizontal with beers from Ale Apothecary and Skookum. The result was a mixed ferm we never intended.
We took the new Hashbox munchies from Jack in the Box and did a Hashizontal with beers from Ale Apothecary and Skookum. The result was a mixed ferm we never intended.
In a beer scene increasingly dominated by monoculture acid bombs, trubtastic slurrycans, and flabby batterwater, many iconic beers have fallen by the wayside. New palates have neither the time nor attention span for these outdated beers from the past. These beers represent the educational arc that many beer enthusiasts would imbibe on their way to honing their palate. We now exist in an instaRone paradigm, where learning is passe and not knowing is vulnerability. Now the beer journey begins and ends with a 16% double barrel pastry stout and new beer palates don a jaunty expert cap and instantly dislocate their rotator cuff patting themselves on the back.
As a result, these are the top 10 beers that New Money palates will never drink:
Brassiere D’Orval – Orval
Good luck trying to get someone from the 2017 BJCP class to open one of these. A Belgian beer that isn’t lambic hypewater? That will nerf your IG engagement. Once you tell them it is also a pale ale, watch their Supreme bucket hat sink lower as they try to reconcile why they would drink this classic, genre-defining beer, let alone age one.
Hair of the Dog – Adam
A hoppy old ale that isn’t even barrel aged? “So it’s like, J Wakefield Wilderness in Paradise? Where that fruit at tho?” They will inquire. This classic beer from the 90’s is akin to dusting off a Zip Disk and explaining that “AT THE TIME 100mb was quite a lot!” The layers flavors of tobacco and caramel are an old sage pressing a Zune into their palm and attempting to explain a pre-Wakefield existence.
Brouwerij van Steenberge – Gulden draak
If you thought getting someone who listens to Lil Xan to drink a BPA was hard, wait until you foist a Belgian Dark Triple on their unwilling palates. The nuance of a boozy ester-driven beer will confuse and disorient someone if LANGST was the closest thing they have enjoyed. Fold your arms and watch them start playing Fortnite on Switch as you try to explain how the beer is refermented with Bordeaux wine yeast. It’s too late, they’re recording a Music.ly lip synching Charlie Puth while chugging some Other Half cans. You’ve lost them.
Alesmith – Old Numbskull
A hoppy barleywine: your task is futile from the beginning. Modern palates want a 12 plato finishing “barleywine” that drinks like a caramel frap stout. It better be pitch black and taste like liquid turbinado sugar. Worse still, you’ll be subject to the tired refrain of “AGED IPAS ARE BARLEYWINES LOLOL TROOF #MOOD” as the new money ticker cackles in his Yeezy Boosts having employed a timeworn bit of levity passed down to him on high.
Fantome – Saison
A neophyte beer nerd will wince at Fantome saison and wonder what went so wrong because the pH isn’t even below 3.0. You will have to turn off CrunchyRoll and try to explain how esters are important and why the bottle is green. It’s too late, they don’t want to hear about the Ghost, they have already logged into Discord.
De Dolle – Oerbier
“This is a strong dark ale? It’s only 9.5%” they will scoff in their Diamond Supply Co. hoodie and dump the 2oz pour from a filthy taster glass. This beer that shaped so many intersubjective notions about aged beer and nuanced “high gravity” ales will not be compelling to anyone who grew up watching Ed Edd and Eddie. They will expertly describe this as an IMPERIAL RED on Untappd and drop a hot 120 character review before firing up Soundcloud and cracking some Hoof Hearted cans.
Great Lakes Brewing Company – Edmund Fitzgerald
One look at a “porter” and that paper thin abv and you already lost the modern consumer. What is even the point when porters are supposed to be at least 12%+ abv and component barrel aged. A nuevo dinero palate will likely correct you and note that this beer is actually a black IPA, another style they do not drink. The final nail will be the realization that this is sold in six packs, the death knell for any neo-cicerone hype beast who thrives on loss. “Mults drive secondary down bc then ppl have more products to flip, the 1pp stay on that stable gain”
BFM – Abbaye De Saint Bon-Chien
First, attempt to explain what a Biere de Garde is. Second, watch them recoil when you explain that $22.00 used to be an “expensive” beer. Finally, break down that this is a beer for aging and they will respond by noting that razzle slot values drop over time. It will be a complete waste of your time to engage someone with a “sour” beer that doesn’t fully recede the gumline and compel twitching along the orbital socket.
Bassiere Du Di Ciel – Peche Mortel
The countenance of that jejune face will slide when the instaRone realizes that this coffee stout is not even barrel aged. NO KOPI LUWAK? NO GEISHA? He will protest as though he knows something about underlying coffee roasts. Watch this sad communications major drop to the knees of his Rag and Bone joggers when he sees this beer is only 9.5% abv, a session stout, a waste of Tumblr space.
Russian River Brewing Company – Consecration
At first when you mention “barrel aged sour” a new money floccboi will be all on board, pulling hard on that dual coil vape talking about these sick kettle sour berliners with unfermented fruit puree that his boy Trevin bought that blew up in his Scion TC. Then when you note that this hits shelves, the sadness will sink in. What’s even the point if other beta casuals have tasted it? You’ll likely be met with a rejoinder of “Honestly, I don’t fuck with Dark Sours ever since Pulling Nails 6 brah.” Any attempts at explaining the currant and pedio interplay will be drowned out by tattered Beats by Dre headphones pumping an Alesso playlist.
The upshot of the dystopian reality of dudes getting chondromalacia waiting for DDH trubcans is: things can steadily improve, breweries will continue to craft nuanced, amazing beers that none of this segment will ever drink. I for one welcome our new Razzle overlords.
Associated Fermentation Press
Area Spokane resident and National Forestry Service employee, Jon Billingsly, made the unprecedented determination that his local brewery, Iron Goat Brewing Co., is the best in the entire world. “I been coming to the Goat for, shit, three years now, nothin else compares,” Billingsly noted while enjoying a pint of “Trashy Blonde”, “I mean, they got a porter on, a scotch ale on AND an irish red, at the same damn time. Who else is doin’ what the Goat is doin?”
Billingsly admitted that he had not been to any other brewery aside from B.J.’s outside of the greater Spokane area, but defiantly stood by his sweeping appraisal that no brewery of greater quality could possibly exist. “I don’t need to go to France and try Belgian beers or German triples or whatever, shit, they just put a keg of Cap’n Kidd wee heavy on, you seein this shit?” Billingsly gesticulated while spitting Skoal into a nearby pint glass, “plus they tell my wife I ain’t here when they got the live music goin on Tuesday nights, who else does that for a guy?”
When presented with innumerable other breweries or suggestions that could undermine his position, Billingsly remained recalcitrant. “‘Drink local’ alright, local is always gonna be best. No doubt in my mind. And hell, if your local ain’t like Iron Goat, well then, you’re shit outta luck buddy because we already got the best,” Billingsly noted and began pumping his fist when the local cover band, “The Shit Kickers” began playing an Eric Church song.
Owner, Greg Brandt, sagely commented, “We named Iron Goat after a famous goat in Spokane who eats garbage. Our ‘Garbage Pale Ale’ is named after that same goat. You tell me another brewery with that degree of self-awareness and connection to the community. the Iron Goat stands by Jon’s ruling.”
At press time the Iron Goat had just tapped a keg of “Punkid Punkin Ale” and Jon Billingsly nodded in solemn affirmation, resolute in his convictions, noting “there’s not a doubt in my god-damned mind.”
Craft beer saw HUGE gains in 2014, and took massive strides against reviled MACROBREWERIES, demonstrating the clear changing of the tide for top tier consumables in the life of the average consumer. More people elected to drink non-pasteurized and bottle conditioned beers, home births are on the rise, and naturally most beer drinkers are contemplating whether they should embrace modern medicine and immunize their children.
This is a serious decision, and like all great beer culture, a pairing is a natural extension to making this life altering choice. SO HERE IS A LIST OF EIGHT BEERS TO DRINK IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO VACCINATE YOUR CHILD!
Number Eight: Alesmith Brandy Barrel Old Numbskull – https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/06/30/alesmith-brewing-co-old-numbskull-brandy-barrel-edition-got-my-barleybones-a-throbbing/
It is a serious decision.
Whenever you start putting back some serious 11% beers, you might question that vaccines prevent communicable disease and impart lasting immunity, it happens all the time. Once you get sufficiently hammered on sticky raisins and dates you will realize that vaccinated people are the most immunocompromised, and are always the ones contracting the diseases against which they were vaccinated. Tell me that hasnt happened when you drank BA barleywines, like every time.
Number SEVEN: Tired Hands Westy XIII https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/06/18/tiredhandsbeer-i-put-13s-on-the-westy-now-all-the-tickers-mirin/
If you have ever sat down and had saison yeast in a 13% quad then you know this topic has come up. Someone will bust out Settlers of Catan and invariably someone will start talking about how every single study used as “evidence” that vaccines are safe erroneously compares side effects from one vaccine to side effects from another vaccine, effectively canceling them out. Then shit gets super real at the game night.
Number Six: The Bruery Wineification I https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/12/31/thebruery-wineification-the-first-full-legit-review-on-the-internet-stompin-on-your-grapes/
Maybe it happens when you are at Ross, maybe it is Claimjumpers, you open a 450 bottle count wine must infused imperial stout and THE TOPIC COMES UP. While you are trying to appreciate the nuance of the tannins and barrel profile someone will ALWAYS BE LIKE “Little do most people know that the first vaccine ever produced, for smallpox, was a complete disaster. The health consequences in those who received it included syphilis and death
NUMBER FOUR: Three Floyd’s Baller Stout and MURDA’D OUT STOUT https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/12/14/3floyds-baller-stout-vs-murdad-out-stout-what-a-complete-waste-of-time/
Since we all usually open these together, several times a week, I already sympathize with the gravity of the decision lain at your feet. You’ll be watching Burn Notice, trying to pick out the component nuances of the beers and then, out of nowhere you realize: Vaccines are highly profitable for drug companies, which aren’t held liable for damages. You dont even know if that is true, but you feel like it is something you should just post on facebook, not even citing shit, because you suddenly are both a medical professional and a lawyer, thanks to these two beers.
NUMBER THREE: Cantillon Crianza Helena https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/19/cantillon-crianza-helena-the-face-that-launched-a-thousand-shits-on-ebay/
We all have walked down this well-tread path. We are gonna sit down and open a Cantillon one off, for like the third time this week, to cool the nerves from the stress of working at Staples. BOOM. You are enjoying the complexity of the barrel blending and a little voice calls out “all vaccines contain deadly, neurodamaging chemicals like aluminum, mercury and formaldehyde. Many vaccines are also loaded with monosodium glutamate (MSG), antibiotics and even genetically modified organisms”
You might not even be a physician or even know what those things are, but you have rare beer and opinions, and you will be buggered if you don’t pop them both open in front of people. IT IS NOT JUST ME IT FEELS SO GOOD TO KNOW.
At this point you realize that you have been vaccinated and didn’t even NOTICE THAT NUMBER FIVE WAS MISSING. Because vaccines in children cause long lasting computational errors.
NUMBER FIVE: 2004 Fantome Ete https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/07/fantome-saison-derezee-ete-slaying-that-elusive-ghost-whale/
Listen, just because something is ultra desirable for years and years doesn’t mean that people will care about it forever. You must have felt that gnawing in your soul, knowing something wasn’t right with your coveted Fantome collection, the way the baby wheezes while positioned on his stomach. Then it hits you, International studies looking at the health outcomes of unvaccinated children compared to their vaccinated peers have repeatedly shown that the unjabbed are generally less afflicted with allergies, autism, behavioral disorders, autoimmune dysfunction and respiratory ailments.
You don’t know if that is true, but it FEELS CORRECT. If the vaccines were so desirable then why aren’t they on the ISO:FT boards? It is like Abyss all over again, your vaccine cellar in your body is faded and over the hill. Everyone knows it.
NUMBER TWO: Surly CynicAle https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/03/surly-cynicale-for-all-the-sophists-cynics-epicureans-and-stoics/
Somehow, between chaining together sugar water and neglecting all other life duties, you have time to make concrete decisions about your child, even if they are wildly contrary to modern medicine. Surly Cynicale always brings this out in Minnesotan consumers who, despite clear documentation, continue to breed. I feel like there isn’t a person who hasn’t been in a Minneapolis watering hole without hearing this old chestnut: “Vaccine companies can’t be sued if you or your child is harmed by vaccines. If vaccines really are as safe as the jab-pushers constantly claim they are, then why was the National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act passed in 1986, exempting vaccine and drug companies, as well as health practitioners, from liability in the event of injury or death?
I mean, it sounds like bullshit but, you are wasted on Czar jack, so what do you know. There’s so many lakes and so few places to learn how to science. It seems legit, I mean, you just had unprotected sex, not a law degree seminar.
NUMBER ONE!!!!!! De Cam Framboise https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/07/02/de-cam-framboise-lambiek-you-only-yolo-once/
At this point I mean, who gives a fuck really? You are already at least $321,000 deep per child so, why not forge your own path and just dig deep in the cellar for a beer that just goes hard in the paint. The crushing reality of responsibility weighs deep on your immune system and an agrarian society seems not unpleasant in the face of attempting to mortgage a new property with additional bedrooms. So why not De Cam? At the end of the day maybe Natural exposure to disease is the best vaccine. Truth be told, the only way to truly develop vibrant, lifelong immunity is to live your life as you normally would, but without injecting dead (and in some cases live) viruses and chemical adjuvants into your muscle tissue. Natural exposure to whatever diseases are lurking in the world is the only way for the body to develop permanent antibodies that will forever protect against disease
Or maybe you are stupid dipshit who failed high school Biology because you had a constant hormonal imbalance, caused by vaccines, resulting in perpetual erections. Your kid will be a complete asshole and demand an SS Camaro at age 15 regardless of what antiquated medicine you choose to embrace. THE VINTAGES CHANGE BUT THE CELLAR REMAINS CONSTANT!
As much as I have worked to lower the bar for journalistic integrity in beer, someone always non-ironically SCOOPS OLD DDB. Today’s iteration comes from The Beer Wench, Ashley Routson. I would think that writing an irrelevant, straw man article addressing axiomatic non-issues against sexist men in beer would be something that would be tired by Draft Magazine standards, even in 2008. BUT OH I THOUGHT WRONG:
If you don’t feel like paying into the bullshit clickbait model that Thrillist panders, here is the jist of the post:
[“SOME OVERSTATED/ARCHAIC SEXIST THING THAT EITHER DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT FREQUENTLY ANYMORE OR HAS BEEN MAGNIFIED SPECIFICALLY TO MAKE A POINT”
>Response using reasoning that almost everyone would agree with, namely that sexist people are shitty and no counterpoint really exists for the contrary.]
Basically that shit, six times.
So since the foregoing model qualifies as legitimate beer journalism, DDB has prepared its own form of this hyperbolic editorial to correct “countless misconceptions about beer that need to be addressed and corrected” using a counterpoint that no one encounters or would ever support as sound reasoning in the first place. NO ONE WILL LOWER THE JOURNALISM BAR LOWER THAN DDB, I REFUSE TO BE SCOOPED.
LIE #1 “Homosexual marriage isn’t real marriage, because the more hops you use, the higher the IBUs will be”
THIS IS A COMPLETE LIE. Just using MORE hops doesn’t alone raise the IBUs, maybe stop being an intolerant shitlord and look into alpha acid content before you make sweeping unfounded comments about bitterness and start denying fundamental human rights subject to intermediate scrutiny.
LIE#2 “Gay marriage violates natural law because Pappy Barrels are the best type of barrels to use for aging”
GOD I HATE WHEN I HEAR THIS IN A BAR LIKE SIX TIMES A NIGHT. Just because something is sourced from Buffalo Trace doesn’t mean that it is automatically Pappy, and furthermore, maybe you’re an ignorant cicerone using fallacious reasoning predicated on pseudo-science to promote your own closeminded theological agenda. There are all kinds of barrels, maybe your sweeping hatespeech statements aren’t as well researched as you think they are.
LIE #3 “Higher Sparging Temps Always Result in the Denial of a Human Life Because of Same Sex Unions”
GOD THIS ONE GETS UNDER MY SKIN. The average person pushing a sparging agenda will usually bring this one out when you are talking about mash temps and then all of sudden the dispute is about how same sex parents refuse to create potential lives and thereby violate God’s plan. Ok first and foremost, if you know anything about mashing, you know that there are plenty of heterosexual parents who elect to not have children and a brewer who tries to create long chain amino acids doesn’t have any role in the relationship. I SWEAR SOME PEOPLE CAN BE SO SHORT SIGHTED.
Lie #4 “All IPAs are faded after four weeks because homosexual marriage turns a moral wrong into a civil right”
MY EYES ROLL SO HARD WHENEVER I AM AT A BEER FEST AND SOMEONE BRINGS THIS OLD CHESTNUT UP. Every IPA is different and have a completely different malt and flavor profile, so making sweeping hateful statements about a class of people based upon your own fear mongering is shameful. As a rule IPAs in general are best enjoyed fresh but making ethical judgments about people predicated entirely on hop profiles isn’t just incorrect: IT IS WRONG.
Lie #5 “Saisons should be sour because homosexual marriage creates a sterile union devoid of children”
Saisons were developed long ago in Wallonia and northern France and the style is constantly evolving. Just because some brewers recently are using monocultures in addition to Sacchro, that doesn’t mean that every union needs to result in the birth of children. Overpopulation is already a huge concern and if the PH on a saison isn’t below 3.0 THAT IS FINE. Maybe if you considered the number of people who are infertile getting married, you would see that brewers should be free to create saisons that don’t fit the prescriptive mold IN YOUR MIND.
Lie #6 “Homosexual Union Offends God because English Barleywines are Clearly Superior to America Barleywines”
You wouldn’t believe how many times I have been at a bottle share and someone in a cut off denim vest and a Jeff Gordon hat brings this one up. IT’S LIKE CAN WE TALK ABOUT ANY OTHER BEER ISSUES BESIDES FOCUSING ON THE LOVE AND UNION OF HOMOSEXUALS. It gets old really fast. Ok sure, you are free to believe that the caramel and sweet notes attendant to English barleywines are superior, but to deny a class of people a series of benefits simply because you want to rely upon your own theological beliefs seems to subject barleywines to unfair scrutiny. As hard as it is for you to believe, some people prefer the oak forward, hoppy character of American barleywines, just like some people just want to enjoy a union with the same benefits and protections without being subjected to judgment and governmental denial of fundamental rights. WE GET IT YOU LIKE THE ENGLISH KIND MORE, get over it.
CONCLUSION TO HIT THE REQUISITE WORD COUNT:
The moral of the story: you don’t need to drape anti-homosexual statements in the context of beer for the rest of us to “get” it. Keep it real, keep it 100. Brewers are pretty damn smart and pretty damn awesome. So stop treating us like spoiled little 5-year-olds who need to be bribed with candy to eat our veggies.
Some cicerones complained that ddb did not actually blend it, or did not taste it. SO this is the blu-ray criterion edition directors cut with behind the scenes coovie blending for posterity tones.
It was disgusting and tasted like malort, cigar butts, and oily lipid cheese notes. One of the worst blends to date.
Oh winter warmers, what are we supposed to do with you? At any other time of the year we would just call you an old ale or a barleywine and be on our way. But every fourth quarter breweries toss fucking cardamom and allspice into perfectly respectable beers and spice things up like how Hollywood was adding gay characters into every movie in the 90s. Sometimes spice adds a layer of complexity to a hefty malt profile, more often it tastes like a bakery disaster with nutmeg secreting out your nips balefully. This is the latter. Let’s see how Dark Horse spent all that TV money in today’s review:
Winter Warmer, Michigan,
Dark Horse Brewing, who knows the abv? You’ll see its not relevant.
A: This is a murky brown with a turbid center like lake water, frothy carb that looks lively but is secretly just runoff from Beijing factories. In the same vein as that CAPRICHO OBSCURA disaster from Cigar City, this just looks messy, but looks are sometimes deceiving.
S: Smells are not often deceiving and this is a Yankee Candle nightmare. You get some sort of cinnamon meets cardamom, a sickening sweetness like egg nog sublimates into an almost floral aspect that clashes with everything else. I can’t make heads or tails as to what they were going for here: is this a malty big beer with rum underpinnings? It definitely is not that. Is this supposed to be a spice driven holiday extravaganza? It feels more like someone dropped an IKEA spice cabinet into the brite tank. Maybe its a sweet winter treat? well it isn’t really that considering the whole thing has this laundry detergent overtone to it. I don’t know who this is for, people who have a disassociative disorder with their mouths and want to render punishment perhaps. Some people said the rum barrel mellowed out the spice of the base beer, but that’s like how napalm mellows out fire by keeping it in a single area to devastate for a longer period.
T: This just continues the punitive aspects of the spice and adds a sickening layer of sweetness like when someone brings you shitty candy from abroad. It is never tuned to your palate and seems grossly saccharine or has like fucking salt or licorice in it. This is all that, except wait, who is getting out of this nightmarish taste Uber? Oh it is fucking clove, here comes this asshole. You know, like those times we have all smoked a black and mild and then craved some skittles, we’ve all been there. Blegh.
M: This is thin and doesn’t linger thank god, it ruins your evening in a perfunctory manner and then does a heel turn and leaves. So I guess I am thankful for that. It doesn’t like fuck your sister and then ask for a ride home, it knows when it is not wanted and is respectful enough to be over quickly. Thanks for that, Dark Horse.
D: If this were any less drinkable it would be a solid object. If barleywine were a super hero movie, this winter warmer would be the guy who gets pushed into a tub of toxic waste and jasmine to create the ultimate beverage villain. I cant not recommend this enough because, it isn’t even infected, they made this on purpose. It was like how the director of Birdemic was like “yup, this looks good, better offer this to people, you know, in exchange for money.” This is a total pile of wet Michigan garbage that has an entire can of FRESH LINEN Febreeze dusted over it. In other words, extra this to Florida traders, they will drink anything as long as it has been in a barrel.
Whoa, whoa, let’s put the pitchforks down and extinguish those torches. BOTH BEERS ARE WORLD CLASS. Focal Banger just goes hard and crushes it out of the park in a totally different and admittedly superior manner almost across the board. Let’s start oiling those cones and get back to them entry level hoppy palate roots in today’s roots.
Vermont, United States
Style | ABV
American IPA | 7.00% ABV
A: This has that same turbid, milky, Sunny D meets Tampico sort of radiance that the Cicerone schools gnash their teeth over: SUCH A LACK OF CLARITY. This was to be expected, as the farmhouse game is pervasive and not everyone subscribes to the crystal clear SRM of generations past. That’s chill. The carb is ample but doesn’t get in the way with excessive head or entendres connected thereto. It reminds me of how HF Double Galaxy Looks, except this shit only gots one galaxy, NEED TO UP THAT GALAXY COUNT SON.
S: This is an earth shattering limit break of olfactory delights, I am left mashing X to execute an ever expanding combo. There is of course the Citra aspects of tangerine and grapefruit zest, sure like you didn’t expect that, but HOLD UP, there is also a sort of Honeydew and a crisp watery melon profile that starts chopping up alpha rails real quick on a jewel case. This is overwhelming in scope and capacity but also adds depth to the old Bells’ hop overload formula. Balanced and excessive concurrently, a work of staggering brilliance.
T: The taste is intensely bright and nimble in a way that heady feels yeasty and sluggish by contrast. If Horny Tubbler is the Tank, this is a nimble rogue casting hoppy DPS all over the place. There is lemon cirtus, peach, apricot, a watery panache that buttresses and fires shots like Ocelot Revolver right into your bittering zones on the swallow. The intense citrus closes a touch minty and herbal with a bittering juniper mixing with the pithy juiciness. I can’t eke out punchlines when beers are this phenomenal, DDB just turns into one of those basic ticker 50 hits a day fan service pages. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.
M: This is more thin and malleable than Heady by a long shot and feels dynamic as a result, closer to Pupil or Nelson really, and those are exceptional ranks to shoulder. It sallies delicately from zone to zone on your palate and cascades crisp like an Anjou pear upon the swallow, like Deadpool backflipping and laying a trail of explosive citrus clusterbombs. UR MOUTH JUST GOT DOMED UP BY DEADPOOL.
D: When asked how Michaelangelo created David, he replied “I looked at the marble and removed material until only David remained.” This does the same thing, except it strips down all the extraneous flabby water profiles, the excessive yeasty profiles, the overload od dry hopping, the needless crystal malt, excised honey and all the other bullshit and stripped this down like a roll-caged MR2 ready for the track. It is phenomenal without qualification and you are doing yourself a great disservice by skipping this one, even if it means dealing with rapacious Vermont traders who want Chez $4$ with cans of this, or whateverthefuck.
Narrative: Alfred Hopsdam clutched the radiant emerald amulet with trepidation as the train approached the platform, wisps of steam filling the air with wafts from the local orchards in the swing of harvest season. “Waterb…Waterburry…” Alfred stammered as he presented his entry forms to the elite Alpha Work Academy. The conductor glanced hurriedly at his pocketwatch and nodded, motioning for Alfred to pick up his forest green equipage and enter the cabin. The air inside of the Academy tram reeked of dabber oils, Jamba Juice smoothies, and herbal apertifs being decadently enjoyed by the senior members of the Hop Warriors Guild. One corpulent ranking official dropped his substantial mass onto the bench beside Alfred, “NAMES HOPSLAM, January class, BEEN AROUND HERE FOREVER, sayyyyy, you lookin a lil too thin to ride with us, you sure you on the right train bud? HAR HAR HAR!” His foul honey laden breath belied his true nature, sticky and coniferous. Alfred shook his head and gripped the amulet tightly and felt the clicking of the wheels onto adjoining rails as he watched the apricot trees buzz by with increasing celerity, he thought “they will see soon enough, I will show them all.”
Every year, when autumn sets in and those leaves turn from green to whatever color leaves change where you live, every dipshit on the block decides to be interested in beer for a single month. Without fail, this month is October, every single year. For the uninitiated, October is a whimsical time of exploration, pumpkin spice and grocery store beers they can’t wait to tell everyone about. For the rest of the beer world, October is like pushing a glass rod into your dickhole and smashing it with a pumpkin. Today DDB will attempt to explain just why October is the absolute worst for people who are into beer year-round.
1) Fucking Octoberfest. Always Octoberfest.
You will start seeing Marzens, graters, fucking Roggenbiers and all other kinds of obscure German afterbirth hitting the shelves as early as August. This can mean only one thing, every asshole you are mildly associated with will be asking you to drink lukewarm lagers out of a 1 liter mug at some dumbfuck venue. Most beer nerds spend the better part of their year avoiding these styles altogether, but to everyone else YOU ARE THEIR BEER FRIEND THIS IS YOUR CHRISTMAS, RIGHT? Sure, there is a place for a clean refreshing German bier every once and again, but enjoying one with a bunch of assholes from accounting who want to ask you a hundred questions about the Reinheitsgebot over an oversized pretzel is never enjoyable.
2) Pumpkin Infused Everything.
For the average Whole Foods baller, the changing of the seasons activates an irritating need in their DNA to consume pumpkin everything: pies, lattes, KY lube- FOR THE LOVE OF GOURD. Without fail, the average beer nerd will get swept up in this bullshit. Your stepdad will buy you some awful pumpkin English Brown or someone will ask you incessant questions about the various pumpkin beers that they JUST HAD TO TRY WHILE THEY WHIP UP SOME MACAROONS. Beer nerds hate these beers and the spike of BeerAdvocate users and forum activity centered around pumpkin beers shows the critical mass of dipshits that flock to these on an annual basis. No thanks, Jeff.
3) Lifestyle Magazines Decide They Are Experts on Beer
During the month of October, every asshole with a subscription to Food and Wine decides that they need to dust off all their extraneous kitchen gear and whip up some awful shit to bring to holiday parties and family functions. October is the coronation of this shit-crowning and publications that previously were telling you which messenger bag is the snappiest now decide to report on BREAKING NEWS LIKE THE FOUR DIFFERENT TYPES OF SOUR ALES. It wouldn’t really matter if they just spread myopic dumbass information, but instead like FoodBabe herpes, people itch these and spread them to beer lovers and we have to suffer through these jizzgargling articles and grin and be like “oh, thanks Aunt Grace, I will look into these, yeah.” The worst is when do zero fucking research and then put together pairing guides with extremely rare beers that your friends will ask you about and then you look like a massive prick explaining how to obtain that beer, “oh the article told you to pair your pecan pastry with Kaggen Stormskatporter? Oh ok, well here let me explain why you will never fucking do that-”
4) Colder Weather Makes Beta Casuals Adventurous in their Beer Selections
Usually a basement dwelling beer nerd can live in gentle repose, conforted by the sweet succor of barrel aged old ales or nuanced saisons. The above-ground population drinks adjunct lagers and witbiers and the world operates in seamless harmony. In October temperatures drop and all those Coachella assholes decide to be adventurous in the CVS and buy something that doesn’t look like a cup of clean piss you give to your parolee buddy. This would be great if these people treated this decision like any other consumer purchase instead of making it your problem the next day. Be prepared to hear all about this brand new STYLE OF BEER CALLED A PORTERS BECAUSE IT WAS MADE IN A PORT, IN PORTUGAL. Oh no problem, a 5 minute review of Young’s Banana Bread Beer? Tell me all about your palate adventures. Invariably, these assholes will need to drop weight around Valentines Day for that big one night stand they have been planning, and they forget all about beer. It’s the stretch-marked beer nerds who have to suffer through these stories day in and day out. If I just discovered football and decided to recount all of the FIRST DOWNS that I witnessed over the weekend, people would be like “this guy is a huge prick, keep it to yourself.” That’s how it feels to be asked a relentless series of questions about Blue Moon and why is LA FIN DU MONDE just so much better like seriously, its so good, have you had it? Oh you have well let me tell you WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT, please dont interrupt me-
5) Outdoor Beer Festivals
I can already see the backlash to this one, “WAIT DDB WHAT’S WRONG WITH ENJOYING FALL OUTSIDE AND TRYING SOME NEW BEERS! I AM NOT EVEN CIRCUMSIZED!” To which I will remind the average beer consumer that these festivals are a fucking nightmare for your “BEER FRIEND.” You remember how all year that portly guy in the last cubicle has been going to bottleshares, events, releases, and standing in industrial parking lots on weekends for beer? That’s how much he hates beer festivals. You never wanted to go to those events, and a beer nerd wants to go to a Beerfest expoentially less. If you have a friend who is really into beer, the prospect of paying $60 to drink Asahi and Magic Hat outdoors with a bunch of redfaced undergrads is the worst idea ever. Couple that with UNLIMITED POURS of Honker ale, long lines to get a 5oz pour of beer they don’t want in the first place, and casual dipshits who usually dont get drunk and you have an unchecked Cougarfest on your hands. Toss in an 80’s band for maximum rage. As if the foregoing wasn’t enough, the average beer nerd gets nothing but expectant looks from the normal friends like “WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SHIPYARD SMASHED BLUEBERRY HAVE YOU EVER HAD IT BEFORE? IT IS MINDBLOWING RIGHT? Oh…well we liked it…here let me explain to you why it is good in this 25 minute portapotty line-”
Reasons 6 through 10 are the people curmudgeonly described in a variety of ways. You get the jist.
I could go on and on but the assholes who need to read this have SearchSafe activated and won’t understand this anyway. Time to bunker down through the nutmeg and allspice disaster until after New Year’s Eve.