Ten Reasons Why October Is the Absolute Shittiest Beer Month for People Who Love Beer

October 24, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Every year, when autumn sets in and those leaves turn from green to whatever color leaves change where you live, every dipshit on the block decides to be interested in beer for a single month. Without fail, this month is October, every single year. For the uninitiated, October is a whimsical time of exploration, pumpkin spice and grocery store beers they can’t wait to tell everyone about. For the rest of the beer world, October is like pushing a glass rod into your dickhole and smashing it with a pumpkin. Today DDB will attempt to explain just why October is the absolute worst for people who are into beer year-round.

1) Fucking Octoberfest. Always Octoberfest.
You will start seeing Marzens, graters, fucking Roggenbiers and all other kinds of obscure German afterbirth hitting the shelves as early as August. This can mean only one thing, every asshole you are mildly associated with will be asking you to drink lukewarm lagers out of a 1 liter mug at some dumbfuck venue. Most beer nerds spend the better part of their year avoiding these styles altogether, but to everyone else YOU ARE THEIR BEER FRIEND THIS IS YOUR CHRISTMAS, RIGHT? Sure, there is a place for a clean refreshing German bier every once and again, but enjoying one with a bunch of assholes from accounting who want to ask you a hundred questions about the Reinheitsgebot over an oversized pretzel is never enjoyable.

HEY YOU LIKE BEER SURELY YOULL ENJOY HANGING OUT WITH DRUNK ASSHOLES DRINKING BEER YOU HATE RIGHT?

2) Pumpkin Infused Everything.
For the average Whole Foods baller, the changing of the seasons activates an irritating need in their DNA to consume pumpkin everything: pies, lattes, KY lube- FOR THE LOVE OF GOURD. Without fail, the average beer nerd will get swept up in this bullshit. Your stepdad will buy you some awful pumpkin English Brown or someone will ask you incessant questions about the various pumpkin beers that they JUST HAD TO TRY WHILE THEY WHIP UP SOME MACAROONS. Beer nerds hate these beers and the spike of BeerAdvocate users and forum activity centered around pumpkin beers shows the critical mass of dipshits that flock to these on an annual basis. No thanks, Jeff.

3) Lifestyle Magazines Decide They Are Experts on Beer
During the month of October, every asshole with a subscription to Food and Wine decides that they need to dust off all their extraneous kitchen gear and whip up some awful shit to bring to holiday parties and family functions. October is the coronation of this shit-crowning and publications that previously were telling you which messenger bag is the snappiest now decide to report on BREAKING NEWS LIKE THE FOUR DIFFERENT TYPES OF SOUR ALES. It wouldn’t really matter if they just spread myopic dumbass information, but instead like FoodBabe herpes, people itch these and spread them to beer lovers and we have to suffer through these jizzgargling articles and grin and be like “oh, thanks Aunt Grace, I will look into these, yeah.” The worst is when do zero fucking research and then put together pairing guides with extremely rare beers that your friends will ask you about and then you look like a massive prick explaining how to obtain that beer, “oh the article told you to pair your pecan pastry with Kaggen Stormskatporter? Oh ok, well here let me explain why you will never fucking do that-”

FOR

FUCKS

SAKE

BEER FESTZ FUK YAAAA who carez wut we drinkn ITS FUKN BEEER!!!1!!LOLOL

4) Colder Weather Makes Beta Casuals Adventurous in their Beer Selections
Usually a basement dwelling beer nerd can live in gentle repose, conforted by the sweet succor of barrel aged old ales or nuanced saisons. The above-ground population drinks adjunct lagers and witbiers and the world operates in seamless harmony. In October temperatures drop and all those Coachella assholes decide to be adventurous in the CVS and buy something that doesn’t look like a cup of clean piss you give to your parolee buddy. This would be great if these people treated this decision like any other consumer purchase instead of making it your problem the next day. Be prepared to hear all about this brand new STYLE OF BEER CALLED A PORTERS BECAUSE IT WAS MADE IN A PORT, IN PORTUGAL. Oh no problem, a 5 minute review of Young’s Banana Bread Beer? Tell me all about your palate adventures. Invariably, these assholes will need to drop weight around Valentines Day for that big one night stand they have been planning, and they forget all about beer. It’s the stretch-marked beer nerds who have to suffer through these stories day in and day out. If I just discovered football and decided to recount all of the FIRST DOWNS that I witnessed over the weekend, people would be like “this guy is a huge prick, keep it to yourself.” That’s how it feels to be asked a relentless series of questions about Blue Moon and why is LA FIN DU MONDE just so much better like seriously, its so good, have you had it? Oh you have well let me tell you WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT, please dont interrupt me-

Bro, we like beer but dont get all weird about it, hey have you tried WIDMER OR THIS HEMP ALE SO FUKN RAD

5) Outdoor Beer Festivals
I can already see the backlash to this one, “WAIT DDB WHAT’S WRONG WITH ENJOYING FALL OUTSIDE AND TRYING SOME NEW BEERS! I AM NOT EVEN CIRCUMSIZED!” To which I will remind the average beer consumer that these festivals are a fucking nightmare for your “BEER FRIEND.” You remember how all year that portly guy in the last cubicle has been going to bottleshares, events, releases, and standing in industrial parking lots on weekends for beer? That’s how much he hates beer festivals. You never wanted to go to those events, and a beer nerd wants to go to a Beerfest expoentially less. If you have a friend who is really into beer, the prospect of paying $60 to drink Asahi and Magic Hat outdoors with a bunch of redfaced undergrads is the worst idea ever. Couple that with UNLIMITED POURS of Honker ale, long lines to get a 5oz pour of beer they don’t want in the first place, and casual dipshits who usually dont get drunk and you have an unchecked Cougarfest on your hands. Toss in an 80’s band for maximum rage. As if the foregoing wasn’t enough, the average beer nerd gets nothing but expectant looks from the normal friends like “WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SHIPYARD SMASHED BLUEBERRY HAVE YOU EVER HAD IT BEFORE? IT IS MINDBLOWING RIGHT? Oh…well we liked it…here let me explain to you why it is good in this 25 minute portapotty line-”

Reasons 6 through 10 are the people curmudgeonly described in a variety of ways. You get the jist.

I could go on and on but the assholes who need to read this have SearchSafe activated and won’t understand this anyway. Time to bunker down through the nutmeg and allspice disaster until after New Year’s Eve.

Upland Brewing Company Announces Bold New “Expectation Society”

October 17, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Associated Press
Indianapolis, Indiana

Upland Brewing Company is no stranger to delivering consumers exactly what they want. From their celebrated diverse sour program replete with authentic lambics, nuanced fruited wilds, and universally celebrated Russian Imperial stout program: these Indiana brewers know how to satisfy the most demanding beer palate. Their new Secret Barrel Society is no exception:

http://uplandbeer.com/2015-secret-barrel-society-memberships/

Expectation Society also includes brick and mortar location to pick up purchased beers, for no extra charge.

Expectation Society also included brick and mortar location to pick up beers at, for no extra charge.

In an unprecedented move, early last week Upland announced a bold new secret society, only clandestinely made available to public on a website via press release. “Upland was formed by a glacier, that’s always been our motto, but we don’t intend on moving at a glacier’s pace, probably much faster even,” noted President Douglas Dayhoff after consulting an excel spreadsheet, “our sour program is definitely faster than a glacier.” We were allowed to tour the spacious Indianapolis facility where Dayhoff explained the innovative new program. “Everywhere in Indiana you hear people expecting things, in our brewpub you hear things like ‘I hope local home prices don’t continue to fall’ and ‘God I pray these Pacers get their shit together this year’ and that means one thing: Upland customers love expecting things,” Dayhoff noted as he slipped on a neoprene hazmat suit to enter the brushed aluminum Sour Containment Room, “you’re gonna wanna put the goggles on, the beer will burn your eyes even through the barrels.”

While surveying the intensely acidic potations slowly eating through the oak vessels, Dayhoff explained why hope was such a critical part of Upland’s business model, “we didn’t want to be like all those other breweries that accept upwards of $300 and then just give the consumer beer in return. Where’s the hope in that? Where is the romance? Sounds more like a transaction to me, and that simply is not the Upland way.” Upland’s business model has long been predicated on carnival games, raffles and parlor tricks. “We initially loved the idea of raffling off every beer needlessly, but then we started exploring retail models like throwing a ping pong ball into a fishbowl, knocking over Upland bottles with a softball, things of that nature, but they didn’t prove stable enough for a true reservation society.” Shortly after the polyurethane gloves began to bubble after handling some of Upland’s young lambic, we were led to the marketing strategy room. “What we ultimately decided to sell to the consumer, at the very fair price of $250.00, was the right to hope to be able to pay for a beer at a later date.”

Upland brewers hard at work crafting that authentic Pajontenland lambiek

The bold new strategy left many market analysts dumbfounded and perplexed that they had not thought of monetizing expectation based transactions earlier. “Now instead of entering a lottery or guessing the number of marbles in a jar to earn the right to buy an Upland beer, we cut that right out with a $250.00 membership which then allows you to give us money. It is exceedingly innovative and the perfect way to distribute our iconic ph2.0 libations to the public,” Dayhoff noted as he administered alkaline tablets to brewer, Pete Batule, as he lay on a cot with occupational GERD.

To ensure that the Upland consumer got the maximum amount of expectation per Expectation Society membership, they have guaranteed the right to pay for AT LEAST 100 Upland sour bottles with each membership. “It really wouldn’t surprise me if some people bought multiple memberships to ensure the right to pay Upland as much money as possible, Indiana residents are no dummies and love paying for the right to expect things,” Dayhoff nodded confidently while monitoring bright red litmus strips. “One red-faced patron Bloomington patron even asked me at our pub, ‘at least tell me I can come here to pick up the beers, please dont ship them, my home life is so sad I-‘ and I couldn’t help but feel for him, so every member will not be inconvenienced with having them shipped within the state to their doorstep, unlike some OTHER barrel programs.”

Nearing the end of the tour Dayhoff directed us to the gift shop and looked lovingly over the shelves of Upland branded merchandise, “this stuff practically sells itself I tell ya. Well I mean, it kinda does when we force the consumer to take it with their $250.00 membership, I mean look at this glass! That’s gotta be worth something right?” Dayhoff quipped and stared at the goblet for an uncomfortably long period of silence, brow furrowed.

“I will prolly buy a couple memberships for tradebait,” noted local resident, Daniel Rosenbalm

“One ex-employee noted that ‘Hey maybe actually sell the consumer some beer for upwards of three benjamins, I mean Upland is a brewery, right?’ and I mean, he was subsequently terminated for poor performance, but it got us to thinking. So in addition to the mountains of literally imaginary benefits already conferred, I also put this spicy little rider into the Expectation Society: ‘Other awesome events and benefits we decide to add on, spuriously and with adequately questionable notice, throughout the year for members.’ So if the first deluge of expectation and hope wasn’t enough, HANG ON COLTS FANS, a full year of mysterious hope COMPLETE WITH YOUR MEMBERSHIP!” Dayhoff noted walking around the parking lot, taking in the majesty of the local flora and fauna.

At the conclusion of the interview one employee slid a piece of paper into our hands which noted:

“http://uplandbeer.com/about/secret-barrel-society/ ….. shhhhh”

and insisted that the society was of the utmost secrecy.

We will continue to update the consumer as more expectations become available.

Top 10 Reasons Why Basic Bitch Palates Love Adjunct Stouts

September 29, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Between PIRATE BOMB, and BA MEXICAN CAKE SETS and BA ABRAXAS and BIGGELESWADE DERK LERD AND STONE’S NEW CINNAMON TOAST AFTERBIRTH PLACENTA EXTRAVAGANZA: we have been perineum deep in adjunct stouts. There is something about the allure of all them ingredients on the label that drive basic tickers absolutely banana sandwich. Today I try to sum up why n00bs and sundollar nippled basement dwellers LOVE THEM ADJUNTIFIED STOUTS:

1. THE ABV
Most people attempting to stretch their anuses in the beer game go micro -> hop head -> stouts -> big barrel aged beers -> and end up as the permavirgin lambic coveter you take pity on wearing a tribly scribbling in a Moleskin, shit people should never read. Those journals look like Kevin Spacey’s from Se7en. But in the middle of this degenerative reverse evolution, pussy tickers get it into their heads that a high abv is something difficult to pull off, and they are forged from the cauldron of Hephaestus just because they can slam a 13% abv beer. If you go to any basic bitch bottle share there will always be one dude talking about taking down HUUUUGE BEERS, his swampy armpits redolent with pasta water. Adjunct stouts serve up some high abv and that is anomalously a point of pride for people who don’t know shit. They eat it up.

2. THE COLOR, BRO
If you add chocolate or black patent malt to 168 degree water, you are a fucking genius and god among men. I know most people see you as a sugar water stirring fuckup who was dishonorably discharged from the Coast Guard, but you learned HOW TO MAKE WATER DARK AS FUCK. Basic tickers love this shit. They use tired ass adjectives and sheet it on the glass to get those furrowed foreskins pull taut. To their even more basic friends, its a sign of bragadocio when they get to pop wheelies with adjunct laden dark liquids. SOMEDAY YOULL GET ON THIS LEVEL MAN “OH WOW I DONT EVEN SEE HOW YOU CAN DRINK THAT, ALSO YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE BAKED BEANS, WOW.”

3. Flavors Any Dipshit Could Identify
If you haven’t tried that many beers, life can be a dizzying mystery of tastes and smells. NO ONE CALL TELL ME WHAT I SUBJECTIVELY TASTE IS WRONG. Is usually what someone who is completely fucking wrong will say. The basic bitch ticker loves adjunct stouts because the label says it right there. It’s like life insurance for their shitty impressions, no one can tell them that vanilla is not in there BECAUSE IT SAYS VANILLA RIGHT THERE ON THE LABEL MOM, GOD TELL ME BEFORE YOU COME DOWN HERE TO DO LAUNDRY. FUCK. Also, adding a fuck ton of an identifiable flavor makes it so they don’t need to learn about things like yeast strains, fermenting temps, or any nuances monoculture aspects. THEY JUST GET TO POINT OUT THE FUKN CINNAMEN BRUH!!!!

MFW i see someone offering up adjunct stout for an almost identical beer

4. Loose Familiarity with the Base Beer
Usually a barrel aged adjunct stout has some sibling that the local dipshit picked up at the local Binny’s. It makes them feel safe and secure knowing that not only will they have tepid observations BUT THEY GET TO MAKE OBVIOUS CONTRASTS AS WELL. While the regular stout was chocolate, the one filled with a shitload of Ancho Peppers TASTES LIKE ANCHO PEPPERS HOLY FUCK 100/100 BJCP SCORE. It is also this grounding in the pedestrian that makes these tickers want the EVEN RARERER VERSION SO MUCH MOARRRR. Sometimes the adjunct versions are even shittier, but that doesn’t matter. Just imagine the look on that Birmingham Homebrew Club’s faces when you roll up with the LIMITED VERSION of some shit they got at the grocery store. King among sleep apnea afflicted men, indeed.

5. U GET TO BE THE BIG MAN AT A BOTTLE SHAER
Most beers that you can drink by yourself don’t lend themselves exclusively to sharing it amongst your 13 closest degenerates. If someone asked me to split a Fantome Ete 13 ways I would LOL and show them where the Hennepin is located. However, if you have a 15% adjunct stout, it begs to be shared like a Burning Angel model. The guy whose personal life is in shambles get to feel special and relevant for a fleeting moment for pouring 1oz into a semi-stranger’s glass. Transitions lenses be fogging up hard when that cocoa version comes out, oh shit AND THE PEANUT BUTTER ONE TOO GUYS LETS ALWAYS INVITE THIS SOCIAL MAVEN.

6. Low Bottle Counts
Plenty of styles have low bottle counts, but who the fuck is trying to drink a SAISON AMIRITE? That’s barely a step above a hef. But when it comes to produce laden stouts, those bottle counts are gospel, regardless of what is inside of them. Often times, someone will tell you the bottle count before they even tell you what the fuck the beer is, as though that’s some MSRP necessary information. Again, we can chalk this up to two parts feelings of inadequacy and one part wanting to have the most tumescent beer pud while standing in line for, you guessed it, more fucking beer.

If you don’t know how to respect adjunct stouts, maybe you need to take a break from the trade boards until you get your shit together

7. GOTTA COMPLETE THAT FUKN SETTTT
The compulsive behavior exhibited by the mid-tier beer nerd lends itself nicely to collecting: most nerds went from pogs, to pokemon, to magic the gathering, to fake numbers from women who were repulsed by them, to setlists from bands no one gives a shit about, until finally that completionist glow of having three slightly different versions of the same beer. Beyond just letting them rot in an Ohio basement, which is sick as fuck in itself, you also get to show them off when one of your 4 friends from the bowling league comes over. Tucked in glass cases like aborginal artifacts, too esoteric for the common guzzler to wrap his mind around. NO YOU FUKN IDIOT THAT ISN’T BOURBON BARREL …that’s the RYE BARREL. I await the day that the holofoil vvariant labels are released and shit gets really real in the field.

8. Become a Master of Comparing Shit No One Cares About
If you have 5 minutes to burn while sitting in your cell on death row, ask a beer nerd which variant he liked best from the 4 versions of the recent adjunct stout. I hope you brought a blankie and some snacks, that monologue will feel endlessly long, like chain smoking Salvia end on end. If you have ever heard one of these philippics you will know that cascading waves of “bourbon had more…but brandy was a touch sweeeter…we all agreed that tequila was too…oddly I loved the malort barrel…” just whipping through the air like a gawdy baton of wasted calories. It would be like if there was a Koren War for decadent dipshits and these people enlisted HARD on those one way missions. Then they return with some stories to tell, real gourmand shit that will chill your soul, you aint heard cardinal or ordinal lists like these before motherfucker, that goateed warrior HAS TASTED SOME THINGS YOU CANT EVEN IMAGINE.

9. FOMO Immunity
If a brewery releases a limited beer that most people miss out on, you can expect that shit to be alluded to a million times over as the benchmark of human progress and palate calibration. If you never tried Southampton Black Raspberry Lambic, then you don’t know SHIT and can’t comment on anything until you do. Take that paradigm and make it tenfold worse because stout aficionados are the absolute fucking worst in this regard. If you miss out on one of the 84 BOTTLES of Apple Brandy Huna, then, why should I even fucking listen to this person, it’s like he lives in a stinky cave and subsists off of hearts of palm. Ok you had CALI BRANDY but whoa whoa, easy buddy, the adults are talking about APPLE BRANDY, why don’t you return to your duplo blocks or whatever it is you put in your mouth. Ticking rare stouts gives you an immunization from anyone being able to ever reference something YOU MAY NOT HAVE TRIED. The shield also works as a weapon in case someone is pulling rank, you just cut their asses down to size by referencing OH YOU HAVENT HAD JUST RUM BARREL HUNA? ONLY THE DOUBLE BARREL ONE EVERY TRIED? OH WELL I CANT EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND. Then disappear in a cloud of black malty smoke like Altair.

with great gourmand power comes decadent responsibility

10. Insightful 1oz Blending by Drunk Assholes
If merely trying the beer wasn’t sufficient, be sure to instagram a bunch of pics of you and your 14 closest homies pouring nominal amounts from the bottom of the bottles to make THE ULTIMATE BLEND. Because then if people tried them individually, you can always piggy back on the ULTIMATE blend of adjunct stouts, to one up anyone. Basic bitch tickers love this because it makes them feel novel, like if Armand or Uli got into a severe car accident and acted like a complete asshole for the rest of his life. And the thought of being a part of that creative process is like Marcel Proust dipping his madeline into tea, a wave of bitch ticker memories wash over these pedestrian ass traders like a Remembrance of Things Past.

So there you have it. If you didn’t understand it before, now you see why the world of meaningless adjunct liquids is so meaningful to people who have little and predicate their self values upon 1%er limited consumables.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE STOUT GAME WAS SUPREME

DARK HORSE NATION: FINALLY the mash-tun cleaning antics TV viewers have been demanding all these years

July 23, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

In case you haven’t heard yet, them old bearded boys of Marshall, Michigan went and done acquired themselves a television show, on the history channel no less. That’s right, for both of you at home who couldn’t get enough of BREWDAWGZ and BREWMASTERS, comes DARK HORSE NATION, a thrilling new TV series chronicling the lives of Michigan brewers attempting to address the stark solipisms of the human condition by running water through crunched up grains. TRULY COMPELLING.

In the fourth episode, VALENTINES HORSE, one of the bearded boys needs to woo a female companion out of her Lane Bryant jumper

You may be asking, “what in the fuck does this have to do with history?” Well technically any event recorded in a static medium is HISTORY, so even minutia connected to making SOUR THREE GUYS OFF THE SCALE, is technically historically relevant because it happened in the not-future. Listen, I am no Don Draper, so I will let History Channel give you their spin on this pile of spent grain:

“”In small town Marshall, Michigan, there is a group of life-long friends living out their visions of the American dream. Led by rebel entrepreneur and fearless visionary, Aaron Morse, Dark Horse is a thriving business set amongst a rural paradise. Morse and his team have been making a name for themselves since 1997, when Dark Horse started bottling their unique line of craft beers. Now distributed in 12 states, the Dark Horse crew is determined to turn their business into a household name. It’s diehard fan base even has its own nickname: Dark Horse Nation.”

“However, DARK HORSE NATION is not only about crafting great beer, it’s a way of life. Their recipe for success is as much about experimentation and trouble-shooting as it is self-taught skill and determination. Every week, there’s some new project, from creating outlandish inventions to building additions to their ever-growing compound. Around here, everything is done by hand, the old-fashioned way, or as they like to put, ‘The Dark Horse Way.'”

So TL;DR the first paragraph is essentially an advertisement for Dark Horse. That’s fine, I guess. The second paragraph delves into existential territory and shows you the raw pathos of the show, THE DARK HORSE WAY OF LIFE. This tao of pouring sacks of two row melded with the Vedas of pitching buckets of yeast underpins the SOUL OF THEIR EVER GROWING COMPOUND. At a certain point, when your size 40 husky jeans chafe from the Michigan sun, you reach that third stage of Kierkegaardian development: THE DARKHORSE WAY.

This is how I feel when I get requests from people to talk about fucking BREWDOGZ or whatever show DFH Sam is pandering at the moment.

But seriously, what in the fuck is this show actually about? Surely they can’t fill up seven episodes with dipshits wearing North Face jackets arguing about the Lions, OR CAN THEY. Here is my episode breakdown of predictable and tired pseudo-reality plot points:

Episode 1 “MEET THEM HORSES” in this episode we meet four dudes with beards and watch them race against interspliced shots of a clock for some reason, and then we get a B plotline where two husky keg washers have a dispute about who sprayed muds on whose S10.

Episode 2 “TRAVELING HORSES” in this episode two bearded dudes pile into a Tacoma and look for like vanilla, or razzleberry or some shit for an upcoming beer. It really isn’t that important but expect minor chords played over a dude looking winsomely at a barrel like “MAN IF THEY DONT GET THEM BURRIES IN TIME WE ARE FIXIN FOR A REAL SITCH!” Also, we meet a female support character who is probably latently degrading.

Episode 3 “EXPANDING THAT HORSE” in this pivotal TWO PART episode we explore the finer points of basic construction, putting brite tanks in place, and some bullshit ticking clock about how CROOKED TREE NEEDS TO START BREWIN OTHERWISE THE MICHIGAN CHOPPER SOCIETY WONT HAVE ANY KEGS. Also Danzig might show up for some reason.

When they cut to commercial, expect some PAWN STARS bullshit facts like “Dark Horse Brewing is located at 511 S. Kalamazoo Ave., just south of downtown Marshall. The location was formerly Wacky Willy’s party store, owned and named after Bill Morse.” The types of facts you can bring up in case you need to avoid ever feeling a vagina.

the episode “Bring your illegitimate child to the brewery” was nominated for several emmays

Let’s be honest, I am just butthurt that CONDOLAMBIC: the Future Rustic Adventure, was not greenlighted. Just a dude trying to decide what type of DME to use, going to Ralph’s for frozen burritos and then siphoning HOA poolwater before the manager finds out. At one point, the crew has to sit and wait while a Daredorm episode is assiduously selected. Moving television.

TOP TEN CANTILLON HEIST SUSPECTS REVEALED

May 9, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, if your Google feed is clogged with nothing but lambic, belgian, kriek, framboise, and goozie posts then you already know the dramatics that are currently unfurling at Brassiere Cantillon AS WE SPEAK:

SOMEONE STOLE SOME BOTTLES FROM INSIDE THE CANTILLON BREWERY

We aren’t talking the normal kerks or bio goozies you can get in the forgeiners section at Binnys: we are talking legit whales being stolen and transplanted Free Willy style. Instead of a killer whale jumping over a maladjusted boy, we have some anonymous Belgian culprits who may have pulled the greatest lambic heist since the 1991 Timmerman’s 11 robbery. The major difference being that people actually want to drink these bottles.

Notwithstanding, there are many unconfirmed rumors and fingerpointing/banging at this juncture. To help simplify matters, the forensic crime squad at DDB (DDB:SVUCSLLU) has assembled a list of the top ten most likely parties involved in this racketeering scheme:

NUMBER TEN: Bill Herlicka, Founder of White Birch

Criminal Mastermind at work

It is well-established that White Birch makes the SECOND best sour ales in the entire world. Not content with living in Jean Van Roy’s shadow, Mr. Herlicka is a completely viable candidate to swipe these bottles for the precious dregs at the bottom. Brewing is a dirty game and you gotta break a few eggs to make a lambic omelette, this guy perhaps is propagating Loerik dregs AS YOU ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW.

NUMBER NINE: Locke, from Final Fantasy III(VI)

Pictured above: Locke stripping a brewer stark naked in the streets of Brussels, zero fuxx given

This shady character is known for ripping off items. Whether it is jacking elixirs from barrels in Figaro, or getting all up on Kefka’s coin purse, I would not put it past him to come up on some Pikkachu’s or them late 90’s bangers. Detectives are looking for sprint shoe footprints at the time this article was posted.

NUMBER EIGHT: Trady, Negligent Moderator of Talkbeer.com

Previous failed plans pictured above

Long rumored to be “the worst” and patently negligent in executing his duties, several sources have provided tips that allude to Trady’s involvement in this scheme. First and foremost, he has not proven himself not guilty, which under Belgian law is worse than being actually guilty. Second, this man’s alleged benevolence in running BIFs exists as a smokescreen for his more nefarious intentions. If you see Trady attempting to swap bottles of anything outside of Carton Boat Beer, then you will know something is amiss from this New Jersey miscreant.

NUMBER SEVEN: Bitzy, bad trader from 2010 that everyone likely forgot about.

The mind of a larcenous genius ticks behind that calm facade.

Most of my readers aren’t even old enough to remember Bitzy, but essentially on BA about 4 years ago this criminal savant duped someone into sending him beer WHILE HE WAS IN COLLEGE. The scheme was as well-oiled as a Rube Goldberg machine and Bitzy later noted that his parents were no longer paying for his habits, AND HE VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE ON THE LAMB. He remains at large and cannot be ruled out as a suspect in this highly-nuanced plot.

NUMBER SIX: JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME SPECIFICALLY IN TIME COP

Surveillance footage of Van Damme inside of Brassiere Fantome in Soy.

The story at this juncture is that the bottles were taken by “some Belgian dudes” however, no one has yet ruled out the possibility that it is the SAME BELGIAN DUDE FROM TWO TIMELINES. JCVD is just the type of crafty individual to pull off this scheme, and furthermore, the pacifist beer nerd persona wont speak up when he sees someone cutting in line, let alone when an ex-kickboxer is walking out with crates of DQ. When asked for comment, Jean Claude kicked the DDB correspondent through a pile of Fantome crates.

NUMBER FIVE: AIR DOG from NBA Jam

source: http://www.giantbomb.com/nba-jam/3030-16928/characters/

Last photo on file of this 16-bit asshole

This criminal’s whereabouts have been unknown since the PS1 era in 1996, but simple mathematics demonstrates that he is now able to drink and has a penchant for expensive ass lambic. Air Dog is a child who is a secret character in the console versions of the original NBA Jam, Tournament Edition, as well as NBA Jam Extreme, but to the FBI he is a criminal mastermind capable of 360 dunking an entire case of Vigneronne through a tiny brewery window. You ever wonder why there were only 230 bottles of Beatification batch 4 released? FUCKING AIR DOG STRIKES AGAIN.

NUMBER FOUR: DICK PARSONS, CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers

source: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/05/09/0509-richard-parsons-getty-4.jpg

Pictured above: NBA CEO not about to say something racist

The former head of both Time Warner and Citigroup has assumed the reigns of interim CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers and he has plenty to celebrate about. If you think he is going to use a cliche magnum of Dom P to celebrate this new acquisition, you are sorely mistaken. This financial wizard is capable of almost anything and I would not be shocked to see a jereboam Don Quixote showering over Honduran Clippers fans in the forthcoming parade that is inevitable.

NUMBER THREE: Justin Fucking Bieber

source: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/05/09/0509-justin-bieber-madison-new-instagram-4.jpg

Justin Bieber pictured above with Madison BEER. No coincidences here, folks.

This pubeless phenom has dropped more Limited Too thongs than a pediatrcian, but that simply is not enough. The Biebs will be of legal drinking age soon, and if you think he is settling for Cigar City Deja Vu, you are dead fucking wrong. JB slipped his waify frame through the gate at Cantillon, shimmied his svelte glistening tiny pecs across the koelschip and waited in the mash tun for his time to strike. His obliques were dripping with sticky sweet wort, cascading along the v-li-

next suspect

NUMBER TWO: RICH HOME QUAN

source: http://ionetheurbandaily.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/rich-homie-quan.jpg

Pictured above: Mr. Homie Quan in front of what can only be assumed to be Drie Fonteinen’s satellite brewing location in Atlanta.

If you follow Worldstarhiphop, which I am sure every one of my beta, malty mouthed readers does, then you know Rich Homie Quan HAD A FUCKING SEIZURE RECENTLY. Now of course, his publicist is gonna make his cite exhaustion and the Atlanta humidity — and not drugs — for his recent collapse in Atlanta, but if you have ever took a deep ass pull of Spuyten, you know that whalesauce will hit you hard. Even if you are accustomed to Promethazene mixed with Sierra Mist, rare lambic will put you on your ass. Local ratchets/employees of Magic City noted that they saw “bottles of a Cowboy looking Purple Drank falling all out of his bus.” For anyone who has had too much Blabaer and woken up beside a confused young Samoan, you know this tale all too well.

AND FINALLY THE NUMBER ONE SUSPECT WHO STOLE ALL THOSE BOTTLES OF CANTILLON:

Failed MTV VJ Jesse Camp

source: http://www.guessthe90sanswers.net/images/nineties/jesse-camp.jpg

The face of pure evil and distilled genius

If you are going to scoop up thousands of dollars in lambic and get off scot-free, you better be a Thanatos-level criminal mastermind. The first-ever winner of the “Wanna Be a VJ” contest, Jesse rocketed to a successful, two-year run as class clown on the network, including his own show, Lunch With Jesse. But during this run in the late 90’s he got a taste for that sweet honey pot, that sticky icky goozie bug. He tricked the entire world into thinking he was a dipshit and a complete idiot, just to fuel his love for spontaneously fermented beers. Belgian military have been instructed to shoot on sight anyone who looks like Jesse or is suspected of shopping at American Apparrel, all Urban Outfitters patrons will be water-boarded for posterity.

This is a case in progress and all leads will be examined, more details as they develop, don’t even bother checking other beer sites, DDB has this one on lock.

Blue Lobster Is Suing DDB, Wait No, They Are Using the Bootleg Labels Instead, Wait so am I sued?

March 12, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Ok so if you follow DDB, you may remember a while back I reviewed a bunch of “Blue Lobster” items from the “THEN” brewer David Sakolsky. The bottles were unlabeled QC bottles of homebrew that weren’t technically Blue Lobster beers, based on my understanding. They looked like this:

Puns abound. Note, there is no reference to Blue Lobster on the label.

So in a behind the scenes that I didn’t want to go into, the now former brewer, David got in deep shit for sending me bottles of his homebrew. This is a nuanced IP discussion for a forum not as nuanced as the internet minge that is Dontdrinkbeer. So at that time, the owner of Blue Lobster intimated that he was going to sue DDB for what I can only assume libel (?) or misappropriation of company property (?) trespass to chattels (?) defamation per se (?) for posting pictures referencing Blue Lobster beer with “fake” labels.

Here is one such label that may have poised the Blue Lobster owner to sue poor old DDB:

This was the beer that I drank the night that old Subbydoo was banned from BA. Must have been the ABV.

So anyway, that label rustled that jim jameses, because I noted that it was brewed by Blue Lobster, which at the time the owner was alleging, if I understand it 1) did not want it to be identified by that fake label OR 2) that it was not an “actual” Blue Lobster beer.

Fast forward 6 months and David Sakolsky has since been fired. Now Blue Lobster has announced that they are releasing this:

MY IP HAS BEEN STOLEN.

“Hobbie” is a pejorative for sexually promiscuous Hobbits. Fantasy hate speech.

Well it looks like old DDB finally realized its dream of designing labels for breweries. So I am confused as hell, and don’t want to get sued. DDB was never officially contacted by the owner of Blue Lobster nor any counsel connected thereto, so maybe I am just completely misinformed and the owner of Blue Lobster is just a huge DDB fan. Who knows? someone with journalistic integrity should ask him.

So did Blue Lobster release David’s homebrew as a “real” Blue Lobster beer, despite disavowing it just 6 months ago? Or was this a Blue Lobster beer all along and I accidentally provided the springboard for the label?

I don’t know. I just don’t feel like getting sued. My Daredorm and Myfreecamsgirls accounts are already expensive enough as it is.

Official Glassware Information Just in Time for St. Patricks’ Day Thanks to RedEnvelope.com

March 12, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Dontdrinkbeer.com has really been fucking things up in the past. It seems like this website just cannot get its shit together and use proper glassware.

A mug for a saison? Nice website you glassware fuckup.

Well thankfully, someone over at the retail and gift outlet, RedEnvelope.com, reached out to old DDB and provided an infographic to finally clear this shit up so that I can stop misleading my readers, teaching them to drink out of plastic BRIDE goblets and shit. Be thankful this retail store saved your ass, think how red your face would be drinking green Coors light OUT OF THE WRONG GLASS LOL

YOU ARE WELCOME

Now I know someone will invariably object “Hey this post is completely fucked, the nice people at RedEnvelope were just trying to reach out to you and give you some free information for your users.” That would be a salient point if it weren’t completely fucking wrong. Redenvelope doesn’t give a fuck about DDB, its readers or otherwise. In fact, this same entity reached out to several other beer blogs indiscriminately with the same “HI BLOG TEAM!” introductory line, with zero fucks to give about the sites they are reaching out to. I wouldn’t care so much about blatant spam but the second line proudly declares “WE LOVE THE WORK YOU ARE DOING ON YOUR BLOG. WE ARE BIG FANS!” That’s funny, because I have never received a single referral link from their retail website, and they certainly must be big fans of a shitload of beer blogs if the number of people who received this same email is any indication.

Furthermore, if RedEnvelope were actually a fan of DDB, they would know just how much my readers would appreciate such an infographic. These are the same type of degenerates who drink barleywines out of flower pots. As if that weren’t enough, I posted this photo

Redenvelope #1 DDB fan

and they clearly still did not look at the site and still were on board for letting me advertise their wares on my site. Super stoked for the ill-gotten free traffic.

So as promised, go here and buy some generic glassware from my #1 fan, RedEnvelope: http://www.redenvelope.com/beer-gifts-RBEER

Tom Tarry is the Beer Czar of the Interwebs

February 4, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

You do not fuck with Tom Tarry. I know you are probably thinking “who in the name of taint sweat is Tom Tarry?” oh, I don’t know JUST THE SWOLEST FLEXER IN THE RESULTS GROUP:

http://www.showswithresults.com/About-Us.html

If I have learned one thing recently, Tom Tarry will kick your nutsack inside out and turn it into a nice set of inverted ovaries if you attempt to talk shit on any of his beer events. Last week, FujonTap posted a satirical post calling out shitty beerfests:

http://thefuj.com/2014/01/28/i-love-shitty-generic-cookie-cutter-beer-festivals/

In the original post, he used a photo that is ultra-copyrighted, def. not subject to fair use, completely private jpeg that wasn’t even available for viewing by everyone on the entire fucking internet. Except it was. Despite this, Tom Tarry turned off his Scandal marathon and hit the streets for some serious n0x litigation pumps and posted this:

OH SHIT THE MIC HAS BEEN DROPPED SO HARD THAT IT HAS EMP’ed ALL OTHER MICS IN EXISTENCE

Needless to say, the owner of the company that hosts shitty beer events anomalously has a shitty sense of humor. The congruence is noteworthy. At first blush, you know Tom Tarry is a hard as fuck computer hacker because he tells you that he “took a photograph” of the webpage. I would like to imagine him fumbling for his Jitterbug and flipping open the 1.2mp camera. Maybe that’s why I like Jitterbug as a company:

One bag of Werther’s Originals included with each phone.

Now, I don’t know how to business, or even do event, but I am pretty confident that public relations are a large part of advertising, event planning, or whatever these services are:

http://www.showswithresults.com/Services.html

I am pretty sure that trying to put a blog owner in a fully nelson and give his cock and indian burn over using an image might not come across favorably for your company. When I saw the Fuj post I was like “alright, he has a point here” but shit got Ray-Bans levels of realness once Tom Tarry entered casting Ultima and legal lawing so hard. It took a normal blog post into an epic litigation cage match, where one of the dudes happens to come across as the adopted school bully with anger issues. Tarry lights up poor old Fuj and notes “You are an embarrassment to the craft beer industry. Fortunately, you have no followers.” Well guess, what, DDB does. In what pundits are calling the most graceful self-effected cockstomp of recent memory, Tom Tarry now has plenty of exposure for his beer events, none of which you previously gave a single fuck about, largely due to the fact that you aren’t some snow stacking mouthbreather n00b in the beer world.

Peep this event game for a second while I prepare to get sued for linking to Tom Tarry’s event:

http://www.albanywinterbrewfest.com/Index.html

Alright, that acrimonious ass voice you hear? You can’t fucking turn it off. Isn’t that amazing! Man I wish they would loop this voice telling me exactly what I am already reading. SUCH MARKETING. I am confident that in between getting a bite to eat and listening to a blaring Irish band, I will learn quite a bit about craft beer. This single festival will further craft beer immeasurably. When a stone drunk 61 year old collapses in his Albany apartment and settles in for some Totino’s Pizza Rolls and Duck Dynasty without a single memory of what the fuck he just drank, it’s like the birth of the next Jean Van Roy.

I linked this from this Swedish blog, http://kidapusen424.blogg.no/dagen_i_dag_3.html, and now I am currently facing international warrants for my arrest.

I hope it was worth it.

Sadly, I have to hide behind my blog so I can’t attend February 8th’s tryst at the Armory. I am confident that when someone demands to MEET ME LIKE A MAN FACE TO FACE that the discussions are going to be fruitful and nuanced. But do I wear my three-button coat or tails?

At the end of the day, if your business strategy involves coercion, tacit threats, public shaming, displays of unrestrained anger, insults, and baseless accusations: I need you. Tom Tarry, Dontdrinkbeer is just getting its legs but you are just the type of person I need on board here on the editorial staff. The next time I have to field some dipshit emails from someone telling me my glass wasn’t cold enough, we can just set up an informal mediation conference where you man-to-man the fuck out of them. Show them DDB means business.

Also, all of the foregoing is the opinion of DDB, so before Tom Tarry starts lubing up his fleshlight and dreaming of all the litigation splendor that is going to be forthcoming, his camo jetski he will purchase with the settlement proceeds, and all the fanfare attendant thereto, he should talk to his legal counsel. I am not making any statements of fact about his business other than I feel that he is a tactless labiamouth who makes shitty websites which accurately portray his shitty beer festivals. That’s all.

IF YOU WANT TO MEET MAN TO MAN TO DISCUSS THE MERITS OF DEFAMATION LAW AND LIBEL PER SE STANDARDS YOU CAN MEET ME AT THE SHAKEY’S PIZZA IN RIVERSIDE I WILL BE CARRYING MANY LEATHER BOUND TOMES EAGER TO EDUCATE YOUR FACE ABOUT ANTI-SLAPP MOTIONS, SUPPRESSION OF FREE SPEECH, AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSES TO SPURIOUS LITIGATION AND MALICIOUS PROSECUTION UNDER THE DIGITAL MILLENNIUM COPYRIGHT ACT. We will go man on man.

Since Mr. Tarry doesn’t want his photo used, I drew him in MS Paint vomiting on the First Amendment. Now it is art and therefore protected.

FINALLY: The Christian Argument to [DONT] Drink Beer

January 7, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

I am sure both of the DDB readers saw the recent EARTH SHATTERING EXPOSE on Christians and beer drinking. If you somehow missed it, like you were in detox after new years, or your Yu Gi Oh tournament got way fucking out of hand, HERE IT IS:

http://www.nathanrouse.org/2014/01/01/a-caution-for-every-christian-that-drinks-alcohol/

You wake up thinking you are going to have a fun new year, post some pics of your ribald good times of you and your escort friends drinking: OH WAIT YOU ARE AN ENABLING ASSHOLE. I have just one question for you labiamouthed heathens, when you posted that picture of Fantome Pomplemousse, did you have any idea you were being a cruel temptress to all those people who have no idea what the fuck Pomplemousse is? Well you are, and your esoteric beers make our lives HARDER.

Every time you post a photo of a barleywine, a brewer stomps on a baby hedgehog. Post wisely.

“The often overlooked sin that is rearing its ugly head are Christians displaying their love and consumption of alcohol to those around them in public and on social media, when there are many around them that struggle with this temptation and addiction.”

I bet your insensitive ass didn’t give two fucks about your alcoholic friends who would deeply pine over that picture of Selectie C, despite the fact that they have no fucking clue what it is. Esoteric beer drinkers are enablers and a scourge upon social media. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen someone open a 2005 Gratitude and suffer cascading relapses. Your rare beers are ruining the lives of others, you selfish prick.

“We sin against other Christians and “wound their conscience” (as well as sin against Christ) when we openly act in a way that would cause them to stumble.”

You thought you were being showy with your disgusting bottle of Moscatal Dark Lord, but you didn’t know you were wounding tens of tens of souls. While we are on the subject, why did you invite your new girlfriend to our tasting dressed like that. Like seriously, was that a BEBE dress? I haven’t seen a size 3 girl in months and you have to bring her around the rest of us 18-minute-milers and lead us into temptation. I have news for you though, I will never cheat on my Zoosk girlfriend or my secondlife wife. They don’t know about one another. I WILL PREVAIL DESPITE YOUR BEER TEMPTATION AND SOME GIRL WHO WASHES HER HAIR.

Please enjoy your barrel aged stouts in silent, unposted shame. Think of the children.

“Now, before you say you only do this with others that are like-minded or with your spouse, let me ask the following questions:

Do you highlight or joke about your drinking in person or on social media (posting pictures of your margarita, wine or bottles of beer)?”

We have all seen your albums and albums of alcoholic beverages, those half ounce pours of Dave, those casual afterbrunch Mimosas made with ’99 Bellevue Lambic: THEY HURT THE MOST. As my readers are aware, I have championed not drinking beer for years. I have ever kept a comprehensive gallery of beers to avoid so that people can identify a Kaggen! if they see one and be like “wait hang on, that’s not Kombucha, I am not drinking that shit.” Despite my efforts, they are groups on the internet that still oppress those subject to the lashes of temptation. It doesn’t help that you post pictures of succulent reubens when you I AM ON A LOW SODIUM DIET SO THAT I CAN GET BACK TO MY BOWLING LEAGUE. I don’t need to see thick cut sauerkraut just nestled on cascading folds of salty corned beef, you insensitive foreskin rimmer.

If you want to publicize your beer life, you should have a private website, something with an account, and a circle of likeminded friends. I for one don’t need to see your tawdry filth, Framboos cascading over erect nipples, or whatever the photos look like. I don’t look at that kind of stuff. I come home from a hard day of work, deeply inhale in my hairdoll collection and watch Super Fun Night like a decent person. I don’t need top tier lambics to have a good time.

You can't begin to understand other people's dark temptations. Please refrain posting anything, starting with beer.

You can’t begin to understand other people’s dark temptations. Please refrain from posting anything, starting with beer.

“Do you drink in public when there’s a good chance you might meet someone struggling with alcohol?”

You probably do. Just being forthright with your good times, pressing your dick against the deli glass in the grocery store with careless impropriety. Listen, it’s not that hard. If you engage in anything that might tempt someone else, do it alone in secrecy, or not at all; don’t go drenching those chiseled abs in Wooden Hell. No one wants to see that, in fact if you just want to send those directly to my inbox for proper disposal I will make sure no one is hurt by your tawdry filth.

I will close with this truth:

“I love you and I don’t want anything to dim the light that’s shining in and through you.”

I drink these shitty beers for you, every single Truffle Abduction variant, for you. I get rid of these obscure mid-2000s saisons to protect you. I don’t want your light to be dimmed by walez.

You Are Not a Brewer, You Are a Panhandler with a Kickstarter Account.

January 2, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Here’s a general business tip to anyone looking to start a mediocre brewery in 2014: if the initial funding for your shitty project involves shaking an alms cup on the internet, your beers will probably taste like afterbirth. Consumers are dumb, beer drinkers are even dumber. Dipshits regularly pay hundreds of dollars for bottles of beer that have marginally worse analogs available off the shelf. Remember when I reviewed fucking Depuration? that should be proof enough that the craft beer world is full of cockstains without mountains of disposable income.

One thing about beer nerds though, they have excellently calibrated bullshit detectors. You may beguile them into paying $250.00 for a Reserve Society that promises 2 glasses and a plaque, but even the sloppiest mantits will not pony up money FOR BEER THAT DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING EXIST. Recently there have been ropes and ropes of precum turned out by “brewers” who promise eternal anal massages for pennies on the dollar and forthcoming ambrosial treats. If you saw one of these people on the street they would look like this:

Future master brewer at work

Most of these smegma projects are two assholes with a 10 gal setup who have drank enough of their own shitty red ales to decide that they are now professional brewers. Wanking it in a garage every other Sunday doesn’t make you a professional, no one sees me putting up a Kickstarter to fund my Daredorm account. Most of the time the Kickstarter makes oblique promises that range from “one wish” to “potentially nothing.” Let’s say you had a raging hard cock to make sure Oregon City got some janky irish ales, DON’T YOU FECKING WORRY:

That’s right, for $500, you can DESIGN A BEER THAT MAY LIVE ON FOREVER (if all the permits and equipment and tap licenses and zoning permits and municipal compliance papers and merchandising rights are locked down: FOREVER.) Chances are, if you are letting random fucking people stumble in and start designing recipes, your shit is likely going to make Short’s Brewing look like a purist domain.

How about this, do you have fucking Alzheimers? Are you totally incapable of finding a bottle opener but need to get drunk to forget about that one night in Cinncinnati? OH SHIT AN APPLBEES MUG WITH AN OPENER BUILT INTO IT:

Next time when you wanna sip Framboos out of a clunky shitty plastic mug, YOU WONT NEED TO FIND ANYTHING TO GET THE CORK OU- oh. Shit. This technically isn’t from brewers, but I am sure it will make any virgin/Steelers fan happy.

If you donate $10,000 to my horrible anuswater startup you will receive one baby Pangolin.

Perhaps you want to see Colorado’s struggling beer scene finally get the legs that it so desperately needs. Maybe you read Jurassic Park one too many times and now draw erotic dinosaur fan fiction. Well these guys at Fossil Brewing have you covered:

If you donate $1,000.00 to them you get…TO NAME THEIR FERMENTER. I am not shitting you up the dick, you will ascend to a God-like level and be able to his the ultimate apotheosis in naming a huge aluminum cylinder. The woman that works at Chik-Fil-A has 5 dildos, each with a different name. For way less money you can name her next marital aid and feel good about helping people under the poverty line.

I was just gonna waste hundred of dollars on heroin this year but then I saw this dude IS GONNA MAKE BROWN ALES HOLY FUCK

I was just gonna waste hundred of dollars on heroin this year but then I saw this dude IS GONNA MAKE TRADITIONAL BROWN ALES HOLY FUCK

Maybe you didn’t read about it in the news but Phoenix is in a state of complete national emergency THERE IS NOWHERE TO PURCHASE A QUALITY CZECH LAGER. Co-eds from Tempe have been bussing in and sucking cocks just to land precious bottles of that rare libation. Have no fear, these guys are here to save the fucking day:

You may be thinking “wait, what qualifies these guys to take upwards of a G from me?” Uh well, a little something called “AWARDS” maybe youve heard of them? Unnamed awards from PLACES. Also, “[the brewer] showed up to a local Oktoberfest with a cinnamon sourdough concoction. His kegs were dry long before those of the local breweries surrounding him. People asked “Sourdough and cinnamon? Why?” His answer was simple: “Because I can.” It is with this tenacious “Because I can.” mentality that he approaches each and every brew.” BECAUSE IT IS ARIZONA SO FUCK YOU.

WAIT FUCK HOW MANY LOGO PINT GLASSES FOR YOUR IMAGINARY COMPANY DO I GET HANG ON I NEED TO SEE IF I CAN LIQUIDATE MY 401K REALLY QUICK

In summation, if you don’t have a legitimate business plan, real backers, financial acumen, a tested product, a consumer base that actually gives a fuck, unique beers that don’t rely on shitty adjuncts, and a proven track record beyond praise from your alcoholic/child molester uncle: you probably shouldn’t be opening a brewery. Get back to selling oranges by the freeway and dreaming of your TRIPEL ORANGE CREAM DREAMSICLE WITBIER AGED IN GRAND MARNIER BARRELS AND HONDURAN TEARS.

Post your favorite shitty kickstarter in the comments section.

dontdrinkbeer

Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

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