Local Online Beer Retailer Considers Completely Ruining Their Entire Fucking Site with Rare Beer Release

November 1, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

New York based online retailer, HalftimeBeverage is no stranger to the online beer racket. The site has provided quality craft beer wares and off-shelf items to customers for years without pause or interruption.

“We recently have begun contemplating completely fucking ruining our entire site with an online release,” noted site Administrator, Sanjay Singh, “things have just been going way too smoothely lately. It is time to bait our overweight nationwide audience with a small cache of “rare” beers.”

Pictured above: theoretical photo of a woman wasting hours online attempting to buy beer.

Mr. Singh is no stranger to the beer game himself and has assisted with the administration of Halftimebeverages since the site’s inception. “We once sold Brooklyn Black OPs online and our servers hit 82% capacity” he commented as he took a long pull from a Capri Sun, “we were shocked, I mean, have you tasted that garbage?”

The halls of HalftimeBeverage are busy with people walking to and from meetings concerning the forthcoming site crash. “We have about 2 cases of Goose Island Juliet, that’s pretty rare right?” one HTB intern inquired as the hushed meeting. “What we are looking to do is boost traffic to the site, sell bottles online to a number of people with orders we cannot possible fulfill and ultimately disappoint the fuck out of our customer base,” explained CFO of HalftimeBeverages, James Chalmbers “if we aren’t getting 404 errors for at least 5 hours after the sale, we have done something seriously wrong.”

Devin Millings is one such craft beer afficionado who plans to contribute to the crashing the complete destruction of the online retailer. “I don’t like standing in lines, plus I can keep WoW on my split monitor support while I push f5 repeatedly,” Millings noted while pushing fistfulls of Combos into his unkempt gullet, “I just want that Juliet, I bet it’s so fucking good. We don’t get that in Louisiana so it’s so rare. Mmm wow, I can almost already taste it.”

Servers are projected to be "completely fucked" for at least 2 weeks after the publicity stunt.

Servers are projected to be “completely fucked” for at least 2 weeks after the forthcoming publicity stunt.

Online marketing strategist Jacob Walmsly explained the publicity stunt succinctly, “what you do is post beers that people will want, and then disappoint the shit out of them. You get to spend weeks fielding complaints from angry consumers with zero stake in your company, remap your servers, make off-shelf beers seem rare, and altogether provide almost zero service to your customers. It really is a win-win for all parties involved.” Walmsly then drew a series of unlabeled Venn Diagrams to illustrate his opaque point.

“I don’t want to trade beers, that’s for losers” Millings observed, “if I can buy a marked up bottle online and show it to my homebrew club, then they will respect me. I have a Dunkelweissen brewi-” Millings noted as he rummaged through a bin of old Wizard magazines searching for a recipe that was unlocated at press time.

“At the end of the day, we want our server to crash and we are looking to disappoint a lot of people,” Chalmbers stated, “it makes us look relevant to a community of beer aficionados who don’t know what the fuck they are doing. Everyone wins.”

At the conclusion of the meeting, QC manager Michael Washinton inspected the three cases of Goose Island Gillian to be sold online, “all 36 bottles present and accounted for. If I were a dipshit with no Fedex account, I would be really excited to press F5 for 90 minutes and received nothing. Super excited.”

Beer Advocate Announces Bold New Program: Beer Advocate University, Campus Curriculum Aimed at Beer Education

October 24, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

In what some are calling the greatest movement in Beer Education since the establishment of the for-profit Cicerone certification program. Beeradvocate.com founders, Jason and Todd Alstrom, announced early Wednesday morning that, they too, would be entering the world of Beer Academia.

“This is a decision that we have thought long and hard about, and with the massive exodus of some of our most prolific users, we figured now would we be the perfect time to establish a for-profit education system,” said founder, Todd Alstrom while laboriously coding on a Windows ME Pentium desktop.

Pictured above: Preemptively expelled students

The Brothers announced bold new innovations to the beer world with a full staff and curriculum, with a campus forthcoming. “We intend on obtaining the campus shortly after we finish our mobile app, sometime upwards of 2018,” noted Jason Alstrom, while pensively surveying the menu of a downtown Denver Coldstone Creamery. “One of our first moves will be to send out pre-acceptance letters to our 372,513 users. I know this sounds aggressive, but remember, at least 300,000 of these members are inactive or were dropped completely when our servers failed in January 2012. Running a full-time university surely cannot be more difficult than the strict standards we have set forth over the years at BeerAdvocate.com.”

The program is slated to begin with an 86 unit curriculum that will instruct Beer Advocate users in a wide variety of beer-related topics. Traditional day program tuition is projected to be set at $48,000.00 per year. This sum will be largely divested to the Brothers themselves and beer related trips for the faculty. “It really is a big stride for beer in general. We have always respected beer and I think this new program evidences that fact pretty well,” Todd noted while putting the final touches on the course curriculum for the 4,300 active users who still remain on Beeradvocate.com.

Proposed Campus Map, golf carts provided to avoid prolonged ambulation

The courseload consists of 3 seminar classes, each consisting of 9 hour long discussions of strictly pumpkin beers. There also are a variety of elective courses where students are encouraged to discuss hops, hop profiles, and write dissertation papers on endless combinations of “Heady versus Pliny” “Pliny versus Sculpin” “Sculpin versus Zombie Dust” and other sage topics. The history program will feature 24 hour discussion rooms to address the issue as to whether this year’s batch is, in fact, not as good as last year’s batch. The criminal justice program will focus largely on cases of porch-destruction forensics and determining who, in fact, is a bad trader.

In addition to the strict academic program, there will also be voluntary office hours held in the main lecture hall wherein a proctor will hold up a picture of a forthcoming beer and a series of students can chime in loudly whether they will or will not be purchasing said beer. “It really is a critical part of beer culture to maintain a public forum for these things, determining whether or not our students will be purchasing the next batch of Founder’s Breakfast Stout and then vocalizing it loudly. These are important things,” F2brewers noted solemnly.

For those inclined toward economics and the business side of the beer world, there will be seminars for participants to learn the economics of the beer trading world. “Our first goal in teaching economics in the beer framework was to present a total lack of transparency for all concepts” noted resident professor F2Brewers. “For example, let’s say you are unsure if you should trade Parabola, if a student gives you direction in this regard, that student will be promptly expelled,” F2brewers quipped while sketching out some Babylon 5 fan art. “We have controls in place for the first semester wherein the top 1000 scoring students will be promptly expelled and banned from the University. This is a place of learning for mature adults, not a place where someone capriciously executes unwarranted decisions.”

Picture above: hypothetical photo of two proud graduates

The student housing for the Beer Advocate University campus is shaping up to be equally compelling with a “NO PARKING ANYTIME” protocol being enforced for all students. “Todd, he loves to tow cars: students, people trapped in inclement weather, it’s kinda his thing. We figured to recreate the monastic conditions of Trappist brewing we would implement these draconian measures on our own student body,” F2Brewers noted in a particularly verbose moment.

After three years and countless hours spent discussing hop profiles and pumpkin beers, Beer Advocate University hopes to engender its students with a sense of pride and reverence for what they have accomplished. “Just think of the look in your grandfather’s eye when you tell him about the hundreds of readily available off-shelf beers that you rated with 100 words or less. There really is no word for that level of pride, to be sure,” Jason noted encouragingly.

The Alstrom Brothers will begin taking tuition payments in the forthcoming weeks and hope that the actual academic program will begin shortly thereafter, without any guarantees express or implied. “It is our school you know, no one is forcing you to go to school, if you don’t like it, just don’t go to our school. However we will keep all your written coursework as our own, obviously.”

The forthcoming academic year is shaping up to be a bubbling success at Beer Advocate University.

@revbrewchicago Straightjacket, Perfect Thing to Keep Me from Fapping to this Barleywine

October 13, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

If you are surprised that we love barleywines over at DDB, maybe you have been reading all of the weak penis hoppy reviews. Maybe you need to pay attention and stop reading Marie Claire magazine. Who knows, but irregardlessly, BA Barleywines are as dank as that oily redhair. Today’s offshelf baller does not get nearly the love that it deserves. For all the ball breaking that I give Midwest kids, this beer is consistently overlooked and even still lurks on the shelves despite being damn near better than King Henry. I said it. Ruminate on that shit 2012’ers and clean the cream out of your jeans.

Let’s get institutionalized. Alliwantedwasapepsijustonepepsi.

Cardboard box release? Excellent to keep poserpalates away, poor people, and offshelf ballers at bay.
Downside: is hoarded by dipshits in closets as a result.

Revolution Brewing Company
Illinois, United States
American Barleywine | 13.00% ABV
A strong ale to warm your insides in the dead of winter. Deep aromas and flavors of dark stone fruits, bourbon, molasses, toasted coconut and vanilla come in waves.

A: This is a malty affair but has this crispness and radiance to the center like a garnet with no clouds in them stones. The carb is like them soapy foamy carwashes where you know its for a church charity but like, seriously why is she wearing that- you know? The cling is minimal because the alcohol sheeting comes through and zambonies the glass keeping things nice and clean, no skate divets up in this mix.

Don’t worry, Goose Island Bourbon County Barleywine is coming soon. You can try and trade those for whales instead of drinking them too. Keep trying you magnificent failure.

S: This is meant to be savored in a rocking chair, telling younger generations about how when you were younger video games came on “cartridges” and it was acceptable to look down upon IT coders. This has a wonderful plum, sticky fig, pluot, that toasted american oak char to it, all ratcheted together with boozy asscheeks clapping to that 3/4 beat. Sick drops, OH HENRY bars, then closes with them mallow kisses from the alcohol waft. Get ready for complete labiachins to come out and complain about OMG so hawtttt derrr needs tieme to CHILL becase 13% needs to DRINK MORE EASIER. Get the fuck out of here. I was born into the high abv game, you merely adopted it. These are the same fucking sybian riders who open at 16.5% abv Pugachev’s and add this incredible insight that OH SHIT A BOTTLE OF BEER WITH MORE ALCOHOL THAN MALIBU RUM IS HOT. Go back to Pi Phi and leave the adults to their beverages.

T: This carries on the foregoing but really delivers harder on that sweeeeet 4 Roses aspect, with a malty middle that isn’t substantially coating but keeps the leather reins in hand enough to keep the booze in check. There’s them sticky toasted caramel notes and a finish that tastes like a well-crafted old fashioned. The whole affair is fucking fantastic, you just wanna tuck a lil dollar in that oak g string and tell SJ to keep them CLACKCLACKS coming. If you don’t know about that clack clack, you prolly a weak ass ticker not sitting at the tip bar, just showing up to tastings with FW anniversary beers like a fucking barnacle. This is fantastic, don’t share it, drink it alone, fuck everyone else all you need is BA Barleywines and ICO.

I didn’t want to review this. Now a bunch of ISOs will go up, offering Jai Alai, ruining shit for everyone.
Sorry Chadquest

M: This is surprisingly thin and serves to give the bourbon/whiskey character ample stage to sally across. This beer was meant for the stage, not the closet. The mellow carb serves to get this angry heft across, like when a beer be having them sick lats, stability malts, not aesthetic just straight functional power. This beer is not prone to injury because it protects the core with deep boozy maltiness that washes clean.

D: This is sippable in excess. You CAN put away an entire bottle of this, put on George Straight and have people just assume you are racist when they smell your breath. However, the biggest drawback is the thing that contributes so much to its power, that abv adds complexity and stern flex to what would otherwise be approachable like Sebago or Naked Evil, things in that realm of drinkability. You know when BANE pumps that green shit and gets crazy swole? This is like that, except its a completely subjective swole and you will wake up with bruises and hella handstamps wondering where you went last night. What is AMZCC ATM WITHDRAWL $500.00 anyway? One of those nights.

If you are the type of jizzdumpster who hates on Sucaba and wasn’t around when Abacus came out. Hold your Barleywine competition somewhere else, your opinion is void.

Narrative: Clay Jaspers never skipped leg day. In fact, all he ever ran was leg day. Clay’s arms had modest power, but it wasn’t about showy displays for Mr. Jaspers. His deceptive frame went unappreciated largely by his colleagues at Prism Insurance Company. During company audits he could help move box files with the stability of a deep squat and a core that co-employees could count on. No one would assume that he could run a 4.4 40, but he wasn’t a showoff. He would do file reviews with a nice bottle of Bulleit in his desk and do claim reports in a deep squat. It was that secret power that he his under those Express Chino pants, no one needs to know that he could kick a hole in the side of a county fair pumpkin. His power was his hubris, a quiet power pounding in his quads, fueled by bourbon. One time when he went out on the town, some Penn State kids got uppity and he mule-kicked one in the stomach. The communications major was hit so hard he swore that he fell off his bike that night. Legends were told of Clay Jaspers as the Betas hit their 4 foot ROOR bong, aka the Cerebro, aka Professor X’ed Out.

GREASY ITALIAN CAGEMATCH: 2006 Xyauyù Etichetta Argento (Silver) vs. 2004 Xyauyù Etichetta Rame (Copper) – Birrificio Le Baladin

October 9, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Oh shit, depressed economies, flooded landscapes, lazy romantic people, and tons of hair product are up in the mix in today’s review. So if you were sleeping on the dipset in previous DDb reviews, first of all, shame on you, and secondly, read this REVIEW OF THE ISLAY FUME XYAUYU

Alright, if you have no idea what I am talking about, let’s take this from the top for the 2013 assholes showing up late to class, posting about pumpkin beers and ruining shit for the rest of us. These are imported from Italy and usually are barrel aged for 2 years with a series of blends from different barrels. If you are a complete fuck up, you will complain that these still beers DONT HAS ENOUGH CARBS FOR ME LIKE KING HENRYS. But focus on the mouthswish and not the teethcoatings and you will be ok.

Lets get this shit going, grab the Aqua Di Gio rev up that Piaggio scooter.

CHALLENGER: $50 500ml Xyauyu Silver, comes with a book not in English words.

VERSUS

Damn sippin that 2004 Xyauyu Copper out of a sundae glass while getting oral sex on a 10 speed

Silver
Birrificio Le Baladin
Italy
English Barleywine | 13.50% ABV

COPPER
Style | ABV
English Barleywine | 12.00% ABV

A: Appropriately enough the silver is a bit darker than the copper, but neither one of these is particularly radiant or offputting for the style. As I noted above, the beer is dead flat in both instances but that is how the beer is brewed, this isn’t just some Lost Abbey WHOOPS SEDE VACANTE $35 sort of mixup. The sheeting is insane and looks like an alcoholic Windex commercial. The clear alcohol sits like an oily ring around the edges letting you know shit is about to get real and some ex-GFs will be getting some phone calls real soon. Obviously there is no cling, no lacing, no retention and if you read the reviews, dumb shits mark this beer down nonstop for for petty offenses and then give Kuhnhenn dome on the regular for unintentionally flat beers. I don’t understand the world.

Winner: Tie, same flat chested Filipino gymnast caramel alcoholism execution

Acquire expensive barleywines, put that shit in my grasp

S: The copper is a bit sweeter and more decadent than the silver, but I need to add that both of these beers are some of the most complex beers I have ever tried. The layers from copper just pile up like corkboard, straight Eros stripping away those Macedonian remains. You get caramel, roasted caramello bars, chocolate, a sort of sherry and port finish to it. The silver is more of a srs bzness man and gives vanilla, coconut, toffee, toasted macaroon, and also that brandy sort of final release. Both of these are like a geriatric gangbang with hard candy and colostomy bags cast about with careless abandon.

Winner: Silver, nana knows my sweetspot

Just because it is flat doesn’t mean that it cant be amazing

T: Both of these beers are incredibly decadent endeavors and make you feel Fancy like Reba. This is your one chance ITALY DONT LET ME DOWN. The taste transitions from a mildly fusel front to a sweeeeeet resonance in the copper that is like figs, plums, tobacco and toasted oak. The Silver is a bit more ratchet and doesn’t give you that sweetness, you have to earn its affection like a recalcitrant Mormon girl who isn’t down with under the barrel touching. There is a sort of raisinette, dessert liqueur, dates, caramel, and a toasty roast to it that seems more refined, but less fun than the wild ass Copper straight not wearing any malt panties in the barrel aged movie theater. Damn that analogy fell apart real quick.

Winner: Copper, a bit hotter but more fun, like the Powerglove, it is so BAD.

Bust out this at a tasting with that fancy box and tickers be like-

M: These have an identical mouthfeel to them. It is this incredibly thin Utopias sort of feel to it that just warms in a decadent creme brulee fashion. There isn’t any real drying to speak of and the sweetness hides that abv impeccably. You take light pulls of this and let it get full on room temp without a single fuck to spare. This is a whole different realm of beer that some glass jawed, pussy palates cannot handle. Go back to buying King Henry’s on Mybeercellar and let the CERTIFIED CICEROAONES DISCUSS NOTES WE HAVE SO MANY NOTES. But seriously, there is nothing like this beer out there with the exception of maybe a Kuhnhenn BBBW left out at room temp, but that’s more brash so it isn’t the same. There is no oxidation and the whole affair begs to be split and savored like a marathon of Police Academy films.

Winner: trick question, they are basically the same, take them both in your mouth at the same time, Vivid.com steeze.

Straight up regal italian decadence

D: Despite my gushing and rock hard maltboner for these beers, they are not exceptionally drinkable. Lezbehonest. I crush high abv monsters on the reg and then still work my second job at Golden Corral, even I cannot take one of these to the skull solo. I know you probably COULD do it, just like I DID take the Islay Fume to the skull 1v1 and wreked it like a cheeky kunt. Overall, split one of these and you are golden, otherwise, call a babysitter or buy a Wii-U. Trade for these, splurge and drop the $50, you wont regret it and you’ll secretly get barleywine emissions for years to come.

This is foreign and strange, but I secretly am aroused.

Narrative: Giuseppe and Pietro were the best of friends. Giuseppe with his cool demeanor and love of pastries was the perfect Sancho Panza to the responsible Vespa-driving Pietro. Both were sweet and full of idioms and effusive gushing lines that were doled out with careless abandon at the finest Hollywood nightclubs, supperclubs, ultralounges, and invite only social clubs. “Giuseppe! please, you have to unbutton down to the fifth button, don’t embarass us tonight,” Pietro commented as he washed the sticky Crew Fiber off of his hands and began putting on ornate chains and leather ornaments. “We have to put out most welcoming foot forward for the ladies to be of interest and to be make sex” Giuseppe epigrammatically noted and Pietro squinted in deep thought at the profoundly warming statement. “Also, we are need to be buying more Monster Muscle Milk, because energy level and fun times to be having importance,” Pietro replied with a certain lovable panache that only a boozy abrasive sweetness could pull off without sounding like a rapist.

@firestonewalker Velvet Merkin, For The Discriminating Gentleman with a Regal Pubic Wig

October 2, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Well, once again I went to the brewery to get this 3000 case “shelf” release, since California 1) never gets Firestone bottles until 2 months after release and 2) assholes buy them up and complain about Sucaba afterwards. So basically, fuck California. So I traveled to beautiful Paso Robles to snag some of these oaty drops. The population of migrant workers harvesting grapes for overpriced wineries was SURPRISINGLY UNCARING about the release of this barrel aged oatmeal stout. It is almost like being paid crippling poverty wages for the production of luxury goods DOESNT MAKE THEM APPRECIATE A GOOD BARREL AGED STOUT IN THE 101 DEGREE SUN. Weird. Anyway, let’s review this shelf turd and pick out the finest pubic replacement fur.

You guys, look at the subtle triangle on the box, you get it? Oh man. You don’t even get it.

Brewed by Firestone Walker Brewing Co.
Style: Stout
Paso Robles, California USA
8.5% abv

Label nonsense:
This is our Velvet Merlin Oatmeal Stout aged in Bourbon Barrels and it just won the 2010 and 2011 Gold medal at the GABF for barrel aged beers!!! This beer goes into the barrels as a roasty dark chocolate, coffee accented mild mannered stout and comes out transformed as a milk chocolate, smooth dark cherry, vanilla and coconut infused masterpiece. We are incredibly proud of this beer and it seems as though it was always meant to be a barrel aged brew. 100% Oak Barrel Aged

A: This is a splishy splashy watery stout affair that links arms with gentle BA stouts like BASC and Event Horizon. In fact, basically any stout from the Carolinas will know this feel. Low abv, slick washy blackness that is a deep brown at the edges, straight entry level stout game for the babypalate haters who can’t dome BCBS and then pick the kids up from school. The cling is awesome and them oats just grip the edges like that 3 year old who wont leave the grocery store because he wants Skittles or some shit. Nice carb and great retention, but it is an oatmeal stout, what were you expecting?

Go to the store and stock up on bottles

S: At large, the whole affair from top to bottom feels like “Parabola Lite” in execution. That is far from a bad thing. Don’t interpret that as disparaging in any way, it is just different. Sometimes a 13% Parabola right before a Parole Hearing is a bit much, we have all been there. This is like instead of going for the 911 turbo, you opt for the stripped down Cayman R. Both have a certain appeal, neither is deficient. You get a muted bakers chocolate, cacoa, light roast coffee, mocha frap meets bourbon but the bourbon is as soft as a feather duvet just lowering its head and letting the roasted malts do all the talking. Again the whole thing is like a gentle handjob that is pleasant, but will bring you nowhere near completion.

T: This again is like Parabola dialed back, a support class mage, low DPS, healer stout that provides support instead of going tank steeze. You get the toasty refreshing malts, I know that’s a weird dichotomy. There is a bit of vanilla and baby doses of char, in the background you can make out some oaky presence but none of those elements are really in the game in a serious way. Sometimes cornerbacks can make amazing plays, but they usually aren’t putting up crazy fantasy numbers. Then again I know shit about beer and sports, so caveat emptor.

It is all fun and games until that ABV bite kicks in, secretly.

M: This is the most fantastic part of this beer and the only part that excels in light of the masterful big brother, Parabeezus. The silky oats give this satin sheen for the mouthfeelings. It just coats and leaves a nice sheet of creaminess that isn’t quite like nitro steeze but still amazing and whipped up like yayo in that baking bowl.

D: This is also more drinkable that Parabola due to the lower abv, cleaner finish, and silky mouthfeel. However, that is kinda like saying that a Mercedes SL is more driveable than a Murcielago. Some things are worth the inconvenience. This is just a different tool for a different job. If you have clitoral friends who complain that parabola is too “boozy, hot, thick, sweet” or some other ignorant shit: show them this. This is incredible in its own right and perfectly executed in so many ways, but it just isn’t that big beast that I have come to love being manhandled by. You know like when the stout grips your wrists and you secretly love the dominance OH OK I AM THE ONLY ONE ATTRACTED TO MALT POWER FINE I GET IT.

Some things are amazing even if they don’t accomplish exactly what was intended

Narrative: “PLEASE STACY, that is my grandmother’s Faberge egg collection you just NO! NO!” Anthony could only watch in horror as his girlfriend gorged herself on whiskey and oatmeal, destroying their possessions with careless abandon. “OK NO, now you are taking things too far, do not push my Body By Jake off of the balcon- NO!” Things weren’t going so well for the couple, she drank more, ate more chocolate, drank more bourbon, and broke his things as a byproduct. What was Anthony to do? The sex was amazing and she was his special Persephone, delving each night to savor the succor of sour mash and destruction. As bad as things were, she was still gentle compared to her older sister, who would ravage his bent genitals on a nightly basis. “Please, I have all of my FINAL FANTASY SAVE GAMES ON THOSE! HOURS OF! NO!” Somehow, it all evened out, she was sweet while sober and a complete monster when unleashed, but he liked it that way, secretly. “EARTHBOUND IN THE ORIGINAL BOX! NOOOOO!”

@drugstorebrewer Ale Apothecary La Tache, If You Tell Anyone About This: I WILL FRENCH KISS YOUR FATHER

September 30, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright I wasn’t going to review any more Ale Apoth offerings because the last thing I need is some shitbags from the South ruining it for everyone, exploring saisons, offering up Loonz that just sit on shelves in humid markets. But fuck it, people need to know and far be it from me to attempt to deprive this brewery of hype. I already deep throated Sahalie enough to get tears in my eyes so why stop? Let’s pump that n0x on the farmhouse rage to get sick vascularity and a deep American Wild burn. Engage the core.

Invariably, some Michael Jackson/Charlie Papzian dipshit will come in here and talk about how I poured it wrong, then we all get to indian burn his tiny dick.

Brewed by The Ale Apothecary
Style: Sour/Wild Ale
Bend, Oregon USA
6% abv

A: This is in line with the rest of the Ale Apoth lineup with the golden/14k/hay/yellow crayon sort of radiance to it. Put on your black fly shades and go back to tuning your ATV if you don’t like saisons, the adults are talking. The carbonation is minimal, psyche, it is out of control and fucking obnoxious. I got this plenty cold, poured it gently, cupped the balls, rubbed coke on the tip: I DID EEVERYTHING TO KEEP IT FROM BUSTING. But let’s be honest, look at the fucking butterfly’ed cork, it was up in that mix just getting pounded from below. One strange thing is the actual TYPE of cork seemed more porous than traditional fancy bottles, maybe that was the culprit. Anyway, this gave more head than an 8th grade girl with an absentee father. Some people are into that.

Pop this ornate, rare ass bottle then get your Riker lean on and watch beer nerds lose their shit.

S: This is very much in line with the saison game that AA is dropping but with a sharper lemon/granny smith apple aspect to the nose with the muskiness dialed back, not boosting as hard in the red RPMs. There is a breadiness to it but it is more of a crisp chardonnay meet Temptation’s ex-baby mama finish. It seems refreshing but substantial, almost bigger than that 6% abv would let on. How IT FIT ALL THAT IN THEM JEANS?

T: La Tache is strange in that it doesn’t go crazy on the acidity, but it isn’t exactly a saison either. If you have had Civil Disobedience 5, then you can wag your finger and be like “wait second, where does this shit get classified?” Not quite farmhouse, but the yeast is there. Not quite American Wild Ale, the acidity is more of a gentle lemon/tangerine/riesling sort of affair that has a crazy drinkability. The brett is there like a rap battle hype man, jumping up with some earthy mushroom musk for a moment and letting the real elements get down. If you give this to some uninitiated person, whose life hasn’t been completely fucked by craft beer yet, they might think this is a “OMG PRETTY NICE ALLAGASH WHITE ITS LIKE TEH WHITE RASCEL!” and then you can stroke your neckbeard and think of all your advanced adjectives and condescend on them in some passive way. LIKE ON A WEBSITE BEHIND A COMPUTER SCREEN. But srs, the average person would be all over this shit, nips blasting. Size zero jeans getting stripped off a crossfit ass for your classy 750ml.

“No one will send me a $25 scarce beer for my BCBS or Daisy Cutter, boohoo, BASC used to be worth so much more-“
DEAL WITH IT

M: This has an issue that was present to a lesser extent in Sahalie, and majorly in Sahatie: carbonic acid. The carbonation is fucking obnoxious. It settles and when you finally can dig in past the foam and creamy farmhouse jizz all over your face, the beer practically crackles and disappears when the temp/ph change hits your mouth. It has a great pop rocks finish to it, but this bottle clearly needs to either fix its attenuation problems or needs to lay down for a while to learn how to get its Lost Abbey on. Maybe a collabo from the Flat Masters at Kuhnhenn will create that Aristotelian golden mean. Either way, it gives with one hand and takes with another, my mouth has so many feels.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable at its core, but again, it is problematic because you have to sit and wait like an asshole for the carb to subside, then it crackles up again at each sip. Prepare to burp and exude farmhouse gasses back to back, taking in that delicious peach and hay while mouth queefing. I would certainly recommend this over most, better than Sahatie, worse than Sahalie, and still fucking amazing. Dust off that tired, faded CBS and trade it to some stupid fucking 2013’er who is trying to complete a shitty top beers list and doesn’t care about taste. Win.

You open this bottle expecting a normal wild ale, BUT THERE IS A TWIST

Narrative: Kaitlynne Powers was loquacious to a fault. When she was 9, she had a Tmobile Sidekick that she broke the hinges and ground the texting buttons down to smooth nubs. “So Skylar said Braiden told Hayden that Jayden liked Aiden! I know right? Seriously, like seriously? Not even gonna lie, ok seriously, can I be honest? Not even going to lie. She can’t come in our limo to winter formal wearing some Charlotte Russe shit.” Nearly 90% of her extrapolations were filler, zero calorie gushing that served to fluff the lack of content that was forthcoming. She was a gusher and filled the room with a certain tart muskiness consisting of snarky social commentary and Kardashian perfume: but she was incredibly attractive. “So, is it just me or, it is what it is, I mean, maybe no one else has done this but, can we be serious for a minute, I need a Smart Water.” Almost every core statement was padded with a litany of foamy lack of substance. The insecurities were present, but again, when you have perfect bicuspids and an amazing body: people will put up with almost fucking anything. Jayden ended up telling Braiden that Hayden didn’t even know Skylar, and all was well.

@columbusbrewing Bodhi DIPA, Touch that Bodhi, Get All Up in the Bodhi, Put my Bodhi inside You

September 28, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, we can all agree that Christopher Columbus was a complete shitbag, right? I mean ok, he rediscovered a trade route, committed genocide of thousands/millions of natives, sold Carribeans into slavery, we all know about that; but he also probably never brewed a DIPA. If you do all that horrible shit and then never offset it with at least a quality beer, then, that’s just babystomp levels of wrong. Columbus Brewing would be the inverted analog to the imperialist mariner: solid land locked people with no boats, no imperialistic aspirations, and they brew a fucking amazing DIPA. I saw this lil elusive minx pop up on the old school top 100, back when the mics used to mean something, 95 was meant you were the shit, now a 99 is like the least you get. Mad props to BlacknYellow for sending me this sticky banger. Anyway, this is fucking amazing and the best hoppy offering to come out of the midwest in a long time. Sorry Head Hunter. This is vastly superior. This one is for you Sendsilk, stop complaining and let’s get up in that Bodhi.

Classic DDB form: skulled the entire fucking 2L solo while playing GTAV. Typical Tuesday.

Columbus Brewing Company visit their website
Ohio, United States
American Double / Imperial IPA | 8.00% ABV

A: This is just beautiful. It isn’t that orange julius turbid mish mosh that HF presents, but it isn’t that deep gold SRM from west coast offerings, nor the ugly brassy east coast maltbombs: it is it’s own aesthetic. Looking at it, you wouldn’t think 8% abv DIPA, it looks like a tamer sort of Zombie Dusty affair. The carb held up well and there is light cling and little retention, but you didn’t put this hop porn in for the foamy storyline. You just want those hop oil money shots all in your mouth. Triple ropers.

Once this growler was opened I couldn’t keep my mouth up off it

S: This has a fantastic floral meets citrus boquet that doesn’t dominate on either profile. At first it is a bit aserose and you have sad feels, but then that grapefruit comes through like pith on the backend lightening up the bitter Coen Brothers hop profile with a bit of Raising Hopizona. Jamean.

T: Again, the pine needles are swept gently into a corner with some smashed lemon and yard trimmings in a beautiful medley that is distinctively grassy, resinous, but bright enough to maintain that complexity. It is the halfway house between shitty east coast malt bombs and simplistic refreshing west coast citrus profiles. The ABV is masked impeccably, you wouldn’t even know there were bricks stuffed up in the spare moving mad weight up in this whip. Pine cones soaked in grapefruit puree, bottled with unfiltered sunlight. Straight ratchet and worth the hype.

People who dont trade will be all rustled and talk about how their local IPA is the best, lol, rite.

M: This is exceedingly thin and all the better as a result. In racing they say “if you want to make your car do everything better, reduce the weight” and that is essentially what is going on here. This is a stripped down malty 240z with a fucking 350 of hops dropped into the chassis. I am not sure if this amount of resin to citrus ratio is street legal, but it def gives southeast asian kids erections. It washes away clean with an almost dry finish due to the oily bitterness that leave you with little recourse besides getting face down in it for another taste.

D: I killed this entire growler on a weeknight and wondered just what the fuck happened the next morning. My Roomba looked on in cold disapproval and swept up all the smashed goldfish from the entryway. This will get you on that Mossberg swerve to the point where, who knows, maybe you might get banned from a local establishment and/or beer website. Anything is possible with this minx. Highly recommended Boneyard/Alpine level shit. Seek this one out, srs.

It is like they took a classic formula and amped it up with speed, cornering and mid 90’s extreme intensity

Narrative: Dwayne Clark knew that his grill was illfitting and he didn’t care to address the issue. The lack of balance was his calling and the street youth loved him for it. In urban circles this was an issue of ultimate reproach and he instead chose to clench his bicuspids defiantly. “What type of cheesy gordita crunch would you like?” “mhm.” He just felt the pang of knowing that his vestigial dental accessory was somehow subpar to the most luxurious on the block, but ornate and amazing in execution. “I shed, jush a regular scheesy gordita, crunsh.” He gritted his jaw knowing they were mocking his ostentatious purchase, the precious stones obfuscating his speech. It was sheer excess, to be sure. WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? TAKE IT OUT? That is simply not an option when you come so close to regal greatness. No sir, he resolved to show this grill in all of its majesty, despite the “minor” problems that he may encounter on a day to day basis. Dwayne would tend the danky vines in his grandmother’s basement and wait for the day that Interscope saw the true genius behind his radiant flows.

@gooseisland Cthulhu, Srs Revue guise, not jokes time. Not ruining beer time. Srs.

September 9, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, by now you have already probably seen DDB do dumbshit and ruin Cahutlow in a coovie, but I got plenty of messages asking me to actually address what the fuck this 320 bottle midwestwhale actually TASTED like. Sometimes ruining shit is not enough, people want subjective opinions to go with their free experience on DDB. Alright, so let’s just get this out of the way off the bat: this beer is awesome, but there is no way it was worth what you gave up to land it. If you enter this maltyanoos pounder with that in mind, victim complex in hand, then the healing will be so much easier.

Bootleg tome ghost repping that bootleg Parabola in the cut.

Goose Island Beer Co.
Oatmeal Stout | 10.00% ABV

First and foremost, thanks to tbadiuk and thousandfoldthought for donating this bottle for me to fucking ruin.

A: This is deep black at the center with no light permeating this bad bitch at any point. It goes hard and crushes all photons up in the chocolate malt game. The mocha foam looks like a river in Ohio, except this beer doesn’t catch on fire. The carb is on point, the lacing is phenomenal and this is beautiful and has this ebony dream sort of execution to it like a POWERFUL BOURBON STALLION YOU JUST WANT TO MOUNT AND RIDE HARD AND PUT AWAY WET. You know the feeling, your lips and thighs all raw.

Wait. Not on shelves? low bottle count? This can’t possible be from Chicago. No Magic allowed.

S: This is the halfway house between the vanilla/coconut/oak from Elijah craig but the base beer contributes this sort of 4 roses barrel treatment sweetness that is like mallowfoam and caramel. It is fucking phenomenal on the nose and exceeds Parabola in this regard. That is as hard for me to type as you can imagine. This whole fucking beer is like, alright they release the Porsche 911 and you are like “fuck, that is sick.” but then for $45,000.00 more, you can get a lil bit more horsepower and some extra badges. Yes, it is 8.5% doper than Parabola, but god damn this shit is optioned out so hard the dealer will be dancing on your grave before you pay it off. They need to toss this shit in 4 packs and stop pushing beer nerds collective faces into the 550 thread count stout sheets.

T: This has a fucking mind blowing balance between the roast, decadent coffee/chocolate sweetness, brownie batter and just barrel for days that just pounds like an Ernie Ball stingray out of that Ampeg 8×10 cab. The beats are steady knocking and the oak gives the sweetness a partner in crime that dries but leaves shit all sticky, like when you used to piss the bed, except it is a torrent of chocolate bourbon piss, like in your dreams. I got some people asking me how we did that “camera trick” when I poured a fuckload of this into a bowl, no camera trick, but I sure as fuck ALMOST regret it because this beer is just that good. When I say I am srs, i am not jk, am srs.

FT: one of 320 bottles so rare ISO: a fucking girlfriend

M: This is sticky as huna, but less substantial in those patented CCB sugars. It doesn’t roll that Three Floyd’s 1.045 FG. It doesn’t go all eating disorder thin like Eclipse. It somehow addresses the issues that I had with base BCBS (which is essentially fucking nothing) and improves upon the barrel, fusel notes, ratchets the heat down, improves that silky mouthfeel with a blast of oat, and just leaves you with a bukkake chocolate blast all over your gumline.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and just gets drained LIKE V FROM ERIC NORTHMAN TO SOOKIE STACKHOUSE AMIRITE. You want more, and it is gone and you shake a snowglobe like a complete pussy and think of stouts long past: that first sip of FBS before your life was in shambles, a yeasty shell of accomplishments. This is a great beer, but it is tough to justify the cost of entry and I am sure many a person walked with a limp after getting their tradeanooes distended, giving up top tier lambic and shit. The 312 will always w[h]in[e].

OH YOU MADE AN OATMEAL STOUT IN BA BARRELS OF BOURBON BA? FUCKIN TOUGH

Narrative: “NOBODY CHARGES ME FOR ADDITIONAL SAUCES, NO BODY.” His neck strained with rage and a sweaty brow. He used to be such a good friend and, for a few moments he was actually pretty fun, but this is not the Chad that you remember from college. “OH I AM SORRY AM I MAKING A SCENE? well guess what GOOD I DONT NEED TO BE EATING HERE BRO I JUST WANTED SOME GOD DAMN RANCH FOR THESE STRIPS. I DONT. LIKE. DRY. STRIPS!!!” The smell of chocolate and bourbon hung in the air. It takes so much just to even meet up with this guy. You hang your head sulking, oh great, a co-worker happens to come into this Denny’s? It used to be such a good time with Chad, going to ball games, kicking back a few brews, now he is misquoting the Da Vinci code and hitting on the receptionist from your office. “YEAH SO THATS WHY THEY CALL IT A JET BOAT, I am sorry, too much for you? Too much speed? Or you just dont know nothing about boats? Don’t touch me bro, I am hollering at this girl, OH IM SORRY, SORRY FOR BEING SO EMBARASSING YOU, CAPTAIN NO SEX WITH HAYLEY SINCE 5 MONTHS AGO. “We should do this more often, check please.” You would only meet once, but that was a powerful bourbon soaked endeavor.

Lost Abbey RE-REVIEW update B2 CURRENT DUCK DUCK GOOZE news breaking UPDATES

September 7, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, I already reviewed this batch 1 bad bitch a while back, but most 2012ers were still sucking on Ovila Quad on instagram straight flexing back then. Well if you aren’t a complete pussy, you will put up with the b2 review and nod in cool reverence for the living work that is DDB. It isn’t duplicative content if you call yourself out on it, right? Anyway, here are my notes from the new batch. If you just got pubes and need to play catch up, here is the ORIGINAL DDG BATCH 1 reviewww

This dude from Virginia put me on blast for like 6 bubbles of nucleation in the bottom. Apparently the dickriding glass cleaners from South Carolina have migrated to an equally racist area.

The Lost Abbey
California, United States
American Wild Ale | 7.00% ABV

I wanted to do a batch 1 vs batch 2 review but ain’t nobody got time for that.

A: Deep orange and radiant hay/illuminated foxtails at the edges of the glass, bubbly frothy eggshell carb, nice lacing dropping doily webbing like Peter Parker down the edges. This is what was inside of Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase. In the shitty 3oz plastic cup at the release I was like “Wtf is this berliner shit?” But the bottle version does serious acidic kettleball workouts and doesn’t skip lactic leg day. Fucking pumped and complex making Cascade offerings look like a one dimensional communcations major from Arizona State.

some people will do horrible things for that sweet DDG nectar

S: Incredible fruit esters, apricot, lactic acidity, tangelo, nectarines, tangerines, a subtle sweetness and a light musk on the backend like wet hay. One complaint that I would like to address is that it lacks a certain brett funk and layers of complexity that top tier belgians bring to the table, but it more than makes up for it in the taste and mouthfeelings, addressed herein.

KBS offers. lel.

T: This just rips up the mouth carpet like a day laborer and lays acidic laminate like a licensed ph3 contractor. There is shocktarts, sweet tarts, lemon zest, grapefruit dryness, and a musky leather aspect on the backend that keeps the acidity in check. Absolutely phenomenal.

M: This is incredibly drying and just drills your gumline like a Peter North video. Incredibly acidic and rolls back those bicuspics and leaves your mandible aching in the best possible way. She is raw with your mouth but you wouldn’t have it any other way, you already are waiting for her to return in 3 years for another tryst in the hay. Cankersores await in the morning but it is the sweet succor of a casual duck sesh.

DDG: you prolly dont even get it

D: this is exceptionally drinkable despite the incredible acidity and if you can’t handle it, work your jaws up with some Petrus and take your complaints elsewhere. The price and availability of this is a complete testicle and wallet defacement that makes me longing for more. Some will take calm refuge and say that 3F Oude Gueuze is better, denial is a hella of a panacea. This is an almost perfect AWA in every way, it is not a gueuze, but it goes beyond even traditional Goozies in sheer excess and panache like an acidic ZR1 that pushes you down in your seat with sheet acidic stiff arming. Fucking phenomenal, every bit as good as B1 that will continue to improve despite the 1.000000000000000001 FG. Mark my words.

SHITSTORM ABATED: Homebrew Review – Kyle Matlack/Kmatlack Apricot Lambic

August 30, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Holy hell people had so many feels when I posted a pic of this bottle a couple days ago. A guy tries to enjoy a simple homebrew and beer nerds start fucking lactating over the idea that maybe someone got something they are entitled to. Fear not, this is just an excellent homebrew, not some unreleased shit from a brewery that you feel that you should be getting free shit from. All is right in the world.

Tagging on bottles for maximum jelly

You are probably like “oh, a homebrew from someone I don’t know and can’t get, why the fuck should I care?” I don’t know. BM him if you want some, go beat off, eat some expired Dunkaroos I could give a fuck less. Anyway:

A: This has a sort of turbid look to it and has the charm of what appears to be a witbier base, or maybe a saison taken way off the rails. Nice carb, the cork was a motherfuck of an operation. This is a note to C&C homebrews at large: fucking stop it. NO one is laying down homebrews for a decade, caps are fine. This one had a cage that broke as I was opening it and a cork that just would not fucking come loose. I had to saw it in half and then use a wine opener to get it out. It was not unlike this stupid ass shit

Oh you don’t like a review of a non-whale homebrew? That’s a nice opinion.

S: This is incredibly acidic and lactic right from the jump off, the apricot is largely subsumed by a crazy lemon/kumquat/lime acidic presence. This is well inside the realm of Cascade Apricot/Batch 50 GFAR/Veritas 010 in this regard. You want more of the fruit but those tannins are probably under a bed somewhere fucking terrorized from that PH3 just stomping the yard. If you took Fou Foune, took out the musk/cheesy complexity and amped up the acid, this is the result.

T: This is incredibly tart and borders on Shocktarts/Warheads/Lemon Lucas (if you are Hispanic and/or lived in a shitty neighborhood.) The fruit is present but more as an after thought to the incredibly lactic apricot and pluot aspects. Again, very similar to Veritas 010 through and through even down to the way your teeth feel raw and those tum tum gurgles that follow.

reviewing random homebrews now? This site is fucking lazy.

M: This is crazy dry, like drier than Rosie O’ Donnell’s cooze at a Channing Tatum movie. This his your gumline and starts rolling up the carpet just scorching with a deep satisfying burn. Ask him for a bottle, you’ll see.

D: This is not exceptionally drinkable due to the sky high acidity, but if you aren’t a raging pussy it is one of the best homebrew sours I have had since Upright’s Sole Comp series ::badumtish:: But seriously, fucking great beer, glad I got to try it, maybe if I wasn’t so bitchmade the acid wouldn’t hurt my babymouth so much. Someday.

dontdrinkbeer

Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

Category Archives: beer