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Gooby Pls Requests Blowin Up My 2-Way with those 143s

It is still carbing up. I opened one on Friday and its coming along, should be a putrid vial of Country Crock runoff within a few weeks.

When tickers see that authentic condo farmhouse ale brewed in an industrial metropolis

When tickers see that authentic condo farmhouse ale brewed in an industrial metropolis

Most of it is going to homies/nay sayers/streakers/escorts, but I def don’t feel like raiding bottleshops and grocery stores for boxes to ship these little shits.

I have a suspicion most people just want to taste it so they can tell me how shitty it is. DULY NOTED.

I have a suspicion most people just want to taste it so they can tell me how shitty it is. DULY NOTED.

Most people don’t even give a shit, sorry for this post where I pat myself on the back so hard that I tear my rotator cuff. Blogs are srs bzness.

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SHITSTORM ABATED: Homebrew Review – Kyle Matlack/Kmatlack Apricot Lambic

Holy hell people had so many feels when I posted a pic of this bottle a couple days ago. A guy tries to enjoy a simple homebrew and beer nerds start fucking lactating over the idea that maybe someone got something they are entitled to. Fear not, this is just an excellent homebrew, not some unreleased shit from a brewery that you feel that you should be getting free shit from. All is right in the world.

Tagging on bottles for maximum jelly

Tagging on bottles for maximum jelly

You are probably like “oh, a homebrew from someone I don’t know and can’t get, why the fuck should I care?” I don’t know. BM him if you want some, go beat off, eat some expired Dunkaroos I could give a fuck less. Anyway:

A: This has a sort of turbid look to it and has the charm of what appears to be a witbier base, or maybe a saison taken way off the rails. Nice carb, the cork was a motherfuck of an operation. This is a note to C&C homebrews at large: fucking stop it. NO one is laying down homebrews for a decade, caps are fine. This one had a cage that broke as I was opening it and a cork that just would not fucking come loose. I had to saw it in half and then use a wine opener to get it out. It was not unlike this stupid ass shit

Oh you don't like a review of a non-whale homebrew? That's a nice opinion.

Oh you don’t like a review of a non-whale homebrew? That’s a nice opinion.

S: This is incredibly acidic and lactic right from the jump off, the apricot is largely subsumed by a crazy lemon/kumquat/lime acidic presence. This is well inside the realm of Cascade Apricot/Batch 50 GFAR/Veritas 010 in this regard. You want more of the fruit but those tannins are probably under a bed somewhere fucking terrorized from that PH3 just stomping the yard. If you took Fou Foune, took out the musk/cheesy complexity and amped up the acid, this is the result.

T: This is incredibly tart and borders on Shocktarts/Warheads/Lemon Lucas (if you are Hispanic and/or lived in a shitty neighborhood.) The fruit is present but more as an after thought to the incredibly lactic apricot and pluot aspects. Again, very similar to Veritas 010 through and through even down to the way your teeth feel raw and those tum tum gurgles that follow.

reviewing random homebrews now? This site is fucking lazy.

reviewing random homebrews now? This site is fucking lazy.

M: This is crazy dry, like drier than Rosie O’ Donnell’s cooze at a Channing Tatum movie. This his your gumline and starts rolling up the carpet just scorching with a deep satisfying burn. Ask him for a bottle, you’ll see.

D: This is not exceptionally drinkable due to the sky high acidity, but if you aren’t a raging pussy it is one of the best homebrew sours I have had since Upright’s Sole Comp series ::badumtish:: But seriously, fucking great beer, glad I got to try it, maybe if I wasn’t so bitchmade the acid wouldn’t hurt my babymouth so much. Someday.

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The Brew Kettle Taproom White Rajah IPA, All Hail this Indian Master

Time to swing the old geography around to show Ohio some love for something other than eating competitions and the award for most Big Dog t-shirts sold per capita. This beer pops up every once in a while on the top 100 and I figured I would give the midwest a shrift to see how their big guns stack up against California IPAs.

White Rajah is within the same lineage as Maharaja from beers that just toss around Indian terms with careless abandon.

White Rajah IPA
The Brew Kettle Taproom & Smokehouse / Production Works
Ohio, United States

Style | ABV
American IPA | 6.80% ABV

A: Deep orange with amber hues in the center, 1/2 finger carbonation, moderate lacing, a bit darker than most ipas, but a bit cloudier. Single IPAs are kinda like telling your friends about the hot Korean girl that you met, all adjectives make it end up seeming more pedestrian and unimpressive as a result.

IPA cant be walez, hurr derrr.

S: There is a bright aggressive hop profile, cirtusy and bitter to the nose. Not quite overbearing in the juniper/herbal notes, but still that pesky pine pokes its head in like an uncircumsized penis, all conspicuous and out of place.

T: This beer has a very balanced hop profile, not overbearing, not entirely cirtusy either, very light with a quick bitter finish, a profile that transfers from lemon to grassy and are similar to those other poorly done imperial/double IPAs, without a long standing lingering hop profile. Those god. damn. pinecones round things out and just overstay their welcome. This is pretty robust for a single IPA, but not my favorite offering when Sculpin and some other stellar IPAs are available on the reg.

When you have a nice, sessionable IPA, you get this warm hoppy feeling like snugs from a baby sloth.

M: The mouthfeel is exactly where it should be for the style, light finish with a biscuity middle to it that lingers for a bit, doesnt overcoat the mouth so that you welcome the next sip, almost to the point of drinking it too fast. I prefer this to many other jankier double IPAs because I feel like I can drink this without so much of a traumatic profile and continue to keep ruining people’s shit on Puzzle Quest.

D: I dont usually throw this around, but its an incredibly drinkable beer, it feels like a bolder pale ale simply due to its Trojan horse character that sends the abv and aggressive fast moving hops right into the Troy of your mouth. I am certainly able to drink well beyond the 12oz bottle and I think 3 would be perfect to get ready for a custody hearing. It’s an even more dangerous candidate given the relatively afforable price. Good luck finding a series of bottles to support that endeavor. I enjoy this beer but in LA its not too simple to find this beer, or even at all, so slap the Fedex guy on the ass and tell him to move bricks in the trap.

Too many IPAs will put your liver on swole, knock you down like a Goldberg spear.

Narrative: They said that after the nuclear war, there would be no vegetation, no life, just nuclear winter. How ironic, those shortsigted botanists, if they only knew. The hop plant thrives on depleted uranium. The nuclear war didn’t produce endless expanses of rubble, it created a lush verdant world covered in hop flowers. It stings my eyes to go outside with all the hop oils in the air and I leave the communal well smelling like Burning Man. I guess this is God’s sick joke, cover the earth in a beautiful, fragrant, unusable flower, what with all the malt and barley dead. Talk about peanut butter with no jam. Hopmageddon affected us all, but it affected Chardonnay drinkers worst of all.