@revbrewchicago Straightjacket, Perfect Thing to Keep Me from Fapping to this Barleywine

If you are surprised that we love barleywines over at DDB, maybe you have been reading all of the weak penis hoppy reviews. Maybe you need to pay attention and stop reading Marie Claire magazine. Who knows, but irregardlessly, BA Barleywines are as dank as that oily redhair. Today’s offshelf baller does not get nearly the love that it deserves. For all the ball breaking that I give Midwest kids, this beer is consistently overlooked and even still lurks on the shelves despite being damn near better than King Henry. I said it. Ruminate on that shit 2012’ers and clean the cream out of your jeans.

Let’s get institutionalized. Alliwantedwasapepsijustonepepsi.

Cardboard box release? Excellent to keep poserpalates away, poor people, and offshelf ballers at bay. Downside: is hoarded by dipshits in closets as a result.

Cardboard box release? Excellent to keep poserpalates away, poor people, and offshelf ballers at bay.
Downside: is hoarded by dipshits in closets as a result.

Revolution Brewing Company
Illinois, United States
American Barleywine | 13.00% ABV
A strong ale to warm your insides in the dead of winter. Deep aromas and flavors of dark stone fruits, bourbon, molasses, toasted coconut and vanilla come in waves.

A: This is a malty affair but has this crispness and radiance to the center like a garnet with no clouds in them stones. The carb is like them soapy foamy carwashes where you know its for a church charity but like, seriously why is she wearing that- you know? The cling is minimal because the alcohol sheeting comes through and zambonies the glass keeping things nice and clean, no skate divets up in this mix.

Don't worry, Goose Island Bourbon County Barleywine is coming soon.  You can try and trade those for whales instead of drinking them too.  Keep trying you magnificent failure.

Don’t worry, Goose Island Bourbon County Barleywine is coming soon. You can try and trade those for whales instead of drinking them too. Keep trying you magnificent failure.

S: This is meant to be savored in a rocking chair, telling younger generations about how when you were younger video games came on “cartridges” and it was acceptable to look down upon IT coders. This has a wonderful plum, sticky fig, pluot, that toasted american oak char to it, all ratcheted together with boozy asscheeks clapping to that 3/4 beat. Sick drops, OH HENRY bars, then closes with them mallow kisses from the alcohol waft. Get ready for complete labiachins to come out and complain about OMG so hawtttt derrr needs tieme to CHILL becase 13% needs to DRINK MORE EASIER. Get the fuck out of here. I was born into the high abv game, you merely adopted it. These are the same fucking sybian riders who open at 16.5% abv Pugachev’s and add this incredible insight that OH SHIT A BOTTLE OF BEER WITH MORE ALCOHOL THAN MALIBU RUM IS HOT. Go back to Pi Phi and leave the adults to their beverages.

T: This carries on the foregoing but really delivers harder on that sweeeeet 4 Roses aspect, with a malty middle that isn’t substantially coating but keeps the leather reins in hand enough to keep the booze in check. There’s them sticky toasted caramel notes and a finish that tastes like a well-crafted old fashioned. The whole affair is fucking fantastic, you just wanna tuck a lil dollar in that oak g string and tell SJ to keep them CLACKCLACKS coming. If you don’t know about that clack clack, you prolly a weak ass ticker not sitting at the tip bar, just showing up to tastings with FW anniversary beers like a fucking barnacle. This is fantastic, don’t share it, drink it alone, fuck everyone else all you need is BA Barleywines and ICO.

I didn't want to review this.  Now a bunch of ISOs will go up, offering Jai Alai, ruining shit for everyone.  Sorry Chadquest

I didn’t want to review this. Now a bunch of ISOs will go up, offering Jai Alai, ruining shit for everyone.
Sorry Chadquest

M: This is surprisingly thin and serves to give the bourbon/whiskey character ample stage to sally across. This beer was meant for the stage, not the closet. The mellow carb serves to get this angry heft across, like when a beer be having them sick lats, stability malts, not aesthetic just straight functional power. This beer is not prone to injury because it protects the core with deep boozy maltiness that washes clean.

D: This is sippable in excess. You CAN put away an entire bottle of this, put on George Straight and have people just assume you are racist when they smell your breath. However, the biggest drawback is the thing that contributes so much to its power, that abv adds complexity and stern flex to what would otherwise be approachable like Sebago or Naked Evil, things in that realm of drinkability. You know when BANE pumps that green shit and gets crazy swole? This is like that, except its a completely subjective swole and you will wake up with bruises and hella handstamps wondering where you went last night. What is AMZCC ATM WITHDRAWL $500.00 anyway? One of those nights.

If you are the type of jizzdumpster who hates on Sucaba and wasn't around when Abacus came out.  Hold your Barleywine competition somewhere else, your opinion is void.

If you are the type of jizzdumpster who hates on Sucaba and wasn’t around when Abacus came out. Hold your Barleywine competition somewhere else, your opinion is void.

Narrative: Clay Jaspers never skipped leg day. In fact, all he ever ran was leg day. Clay’s arms had modest power, but it wasn’t about showy displays for Mr. Jaspers. His deceptive frame went unappreciated largely by his colleagues at Prism Insurance Company. During company audits he could help move box files with the stability of a deep squat and a core that co-employees could count on. No one would assume that he could run a 4.4 40, but he wasn’t a showoff. He would do file reviews with a nice bottle of Bulleit in his desk and do claim reports in a deep squat. It was that secret power that he his under those Express Chino pants, no one needs to know that he could kick a hole in the side of a county fair pumpkin. His power was his hubris, a quiet power pounding in his quads, fueled by bourbon. One time when he went out on the town, some Penn State kids got uppity and he mule-kicked one in the stomach. The communications major was hit so hard he swore that he fell off his bike that night. Legends were told of Clay Jaspers as the Betas hit their 4 foot ROOR bong, aka the Cerebro, aka Professor X’ed Out.


Cisco Brewing, Island Reserve: Saison Farmhouse Ale – MA has some fertile farms


Cisco recently killed it at GABF and Lady of the Woods has been received as a crowd pleaser by all accounts. I have enjoyed quite a few of their sours but remain relatively uninitiated with their other beers. Since this is a saison marathon, I could not rob you of this unappreciated (underknown?) gem. With their strong pedigree of sours, I expected this to go off the rails into a whole new realm. This did not disappoint and actually presented itself as one of the best american saisons that I have had in recent memory, straight up lemon lime on the funky tip. Highly recommended.

Having an island saison kinda makes me wonder about the farmhouse cred, maybe granary cred but do islands usually have a farmhouse on them? WHO KNOWS.

Cisco Brewers Inc.
Massachusetts, United States
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 6.00% ABV

Label jazz:
Saison Farmhouse was fun to brew and is fun to drink. Buckwheat, oats, and rye fermented with Brettanomyces and a Saison yeast in a 50 hectoliter french oak cask. Herbs and spices grown here at the brewery replaced most of the hops. On it’s way into package it was treated to a host of microflora to create additional character over time.

A: This was a touch darker than I expected but by no means is offputting, it presents an amber and almost verges on the realm of the bronze in execution. Much like all the other saisons we have been seeing, the carbonation is intense and you have to go play a round of Borderlands and wait for it to subside. There is a nice webbing of lacing and spotty cling on the glass. I enjoy that whipped up lemon merengue, reminds me of when my alcoholic babysitter would let me mix soaps from under the sink together and breathe in the fumes.

I would hit this on the reg.

S: This smells amazing and goes a completely acidic lemon lime path very similar to last year’s old label Fantome Printemps, if you don’t know what I am talking about, I mean this:

Last year’s batch, Fantome Printemps

not to be confused with this year’s new label batch:

2012 Printemps THE RETURN

Anyway, you get a deep sprite and sierra mist with some carpet sample book that has been left in the rain. There’s a fresh grassiness to the finish and the whole things just reminds me of a fresh rain bodywash or something. Sure there’s some light breadiness on the backend up the whole beer is executed magnificiently, relative to my 11 year old palate.

T: This has an incredibly crisp apple skin at the outset with some white grape and bisquik biscuit in the middle providing some chewiness. There is a light clove aspect but largely the juicy aspects make this toe almost toward the wild ale realm ala Ithaca Brute. The cask and brett in this give it a fantastic finish that reminds me of an IMPROVED VERSION of Sanctification. I said it. Cisco killed it on this one, someone send me more plz.

It took hours of extensive saison research to reach these findings.

M: This is incredibly crisp and has a sort of chardonnay aspect to it with a brackish oakiness on the backend that makes you drill this like a negligent dentist. The fruit character and wine cooler aspect also make this approachable for all of your underaged sorority friends that you are trying to so desperately to impress. Get John Locke on them and disaow epistemological actions that you cannot confirm you performed. Feided.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable despite being drier than people’s eyes after watching Battleship. I enjoyed it thoroughly and it came across like kind of a hybrid between Printemps and Hill Farmstead E. in execution and drinkability, enough pumping up the unstoppable hubris that is Cisco Brewing, they did a hell of a job.

This beer is so good it is almost inappropriate.

Narrative: Skylar Jergens had hit his writers block. Well to be proper, it was a creativity block. Being the lead creative director at Mountain Dew entailed a mountain of responsibilities that he was heretofore able to manage. A quick glance around his spacious Pepsi Co office could evidence his series of achievements with high fructose corn syrup and water. There was his platinum bottle award for the inimitable Mt. Dew Code Red, the Pop Award of Distinction from the Midwest Conference for his Baja Blast, and who could forget his integral part in Halo Mountain Dew, brewed exclusively for gamers complicated dietary needs. Skylar tapped his pen on the legal pad and looked out the window onto the Missoula city skyline and wondered what combination of water and artificial sugars would be his next masterpiece. He idly rolled a tangelo in front of him and it suddenly hit him “HAY, WATER, INFECTED LIMES, AND ORANGE JUICE.” He clicked his Pentec pen and furiously began writing out the recipe for his new Mountain Dew magnum opus: Farmhouse Burst.


Cigar City, Marshal Zhukov, Ferris Zhukov’s Day Off

A Story of the Marshal as a Young Zhukov

This post is a happy birthday to Daniel Behi, who listens to Spin Doctors and sips stouts judiciously.

Cigar City, Marshal Zhukov, 11% abv, imperial stout

Appearance: This is the darkest stout that I have ever seen. This has officially dethroned both Abyss and Hunaphus. The oily inky nature almost tumbles out in an incredibly viscous heavy solution. The coating is massive and lends huge brown webs of cotton candy to the rim of the glass. The carbonation is huge and produces a deep mahogany head, which makes me question if a brew this baleful is meant to be consumed. It’s that 2am text that generates so much hatred, but such amazing results.

Smell: Deep dark chocolate, burnt brownies, candied bacon, cinnamon, and melted toffee. It’s like if a Heath Bar got its ass beat in a slaughterhouse. You know, the old Upton Sinclair scenario.

Taste: The first thing is a spicy alcoholic heat that dances and imparts a whisky peat hot character that melts into a nestle dark chocolate booziness. As you swallow you get a caramel and butterscotch that is underscored throughout by a relentless coffee from the deep malts. Just a relentless and incredibly complex stout.

Mouthfeel: After 12oz the glass that I am using has this incredibly dull khaki color to it. All of the edges have been coated in a sticky hateful caramel sludge. The coating is just incredible and I am happy to have a beer step up to dethrone the Abyss in this regard. When you swallow it just hangs out for ages, lingers like customers at Musician’s Friend. The coffee and burnt chocolate notes resound for ages, like college kids discovering Radiohead for the first time. YOU HAVE TO GET THIS STOUT TORRENT, SO PITTED.

Drinkability: This is an incredible stout and, given its availability and incredibly deep character, I would easily say that it is world class. It makes me wonder what the Final Push is like, the beer that is. Had I never had the Hunaphus, I would lose my shit over this beer but, I wont let that take away from what this beer has accomplished. It isn’t a top 5 stout, but it is still memorable and you could pick it out of a lineup. This is the rapist stout, the one with the lazy eye and the whiskey breath.

Narrative: “MARSHAL! Please, we need your decision, it’s….it’s a massacre out there.” The young private doffed his cap and gripped it patiently awaiting further instructions. The battle of Moscow raged violently just kilometers from his outpost but Marshal Zhukov gritted his jaw defiantly and stared intently into the furniture manufacturing district. “Protect the, the furniture comrade, without nice seats, the soldiers will grow weary, all baroque pieces, must be saved brother.” The brigadier general nodded solemnly and understandingly. Zhukov was a hard man with a penchant for petulant decadence. “Sir, we have an entire regiment of German troops, they wish to bargain, “Begin Ciphered Telegram no. 4976, begin with ‘My sincerest apologies (FN1)” Through the flurry of questions, the dark hearted general maintained his sweet side, despite commanding millions and sending thousands to brutal deaths. “LOOK COMRADE! An icicle has to be formed on the rim of the panzer tank belts, I think I shall for to have a licking.” Oh that wacky Zhukov! (FN2) [On 28 September 1941, Zhukov sent ciphered telegram No. 4976 to commanders of the Leningrad Front and the Baltic Navy, announcing that returned prisoners and families of soldiers captured by the Germans would be shot. This order was published for the first time in 1991 in a Russian magazine (Beginning) No. 3.] “IN SOVIET RUSSIA, REFERENCES FOOTNOTE YOU.” Footnote 2, he did this, citation needed.