13

BREAKING NEWS: Jim Koch talks shit on emerging breweries, gets the Heisman by a Hobo Lord

Harvard MBA and JD holder, Jim Koch, bestowed his royal presence upon Boston watering hole, ROW 34, last October evening and his presence was announced with a multitude of coronets melodies rhapsodical and fair, and much fealty was paid, the kissing of rings and gripping of the imperial purple robe, UNTIL EVERYTHING WENT HORRIBLY WRONG: they were not serving the regal beverage crafted by the Craft Beer Highness himself.

ROW 34 BRAZENLY IN VIOLATION OF ROYAL DECREE FAILED TO LEAVE A DEFERENTIAL TAPLINE DEDICATED TO HIS MAJESTY’S BELOVED SAM ADAMS BOSTON LAGER.

Here is a summary of the full story here, as told by Boston Magazine:
http://www.bostonmagazine.com/restaurants/article/2015/01/05/jim-koch-sam-adams-beer/

In short, Row 34, like so many reputable craft beer bars outright noted that they had no interest serving Sam Adams Boston Lager or any of the 87 seasonal offerings which constituted their annual offerings numbering 1,342 discrete beers.  “Yeah, no shit, this is news to literally no one except Jim Koch.”  Well apparently the beverage magnate allowed his monocle to fall squarely into the lap of a hipster patron and brusque not unlike an 18th century barrister and demanded to inspect these SO CALLED alleged craft beer kegs within their ice house of iniquity.  WHAT HE FOUND SHOCKED EVEN HIM: actually good beer that people give a fuck about and enjoy drinking.

It is 2015 and some breweries still cant even triforce

It is 2015 and some breweries still cant even triforce

So Jim Koch goes rifling around the kegs warbling something about “freshness” and “Michael Jackson lacing” muttering “Charlie Papazian inverted carbonation” which mystified Lord Hobo owner, Daniel Lanigan.  With the outrage presented, you would think Row 34 was serving vintage Pipeworks Kegs or White Birch verticals, when in fact their taplist leaves little to be desired:

Click to access Beer-1215.pdf

I met Daniel Lanigan once, it was at an invite only Cantillon dinner hosted by Jean Van Roy, I can readily assure you, the number of fucks given about Sam Adams at that event was well in the sub-plural range.

You wont fit in everywhere you go, feels ensue

You wont fit in everywhere you go, feels ensue

The whole exchange underscores a point that presents an ever-increasing divide between the old guard of Sierra Nevada/New Belgium coveting cicerones from the late 1990’s and the palate of these godforsaken insatiable millennials.  While sipping Roggenbiers and English Dark Milds used to hold some luster for people sitting in garages during the Clinton administration, options and tastes have evolved beyond the days of 56k modems and Quake Arena matches.

Those same dipshits who still drink scintillating offerings such as:

CINDER BLOCK RAUCHBIER

INIFINIUM SHELF RESIDENT BEER

JUNIPER IPA

NORSE LEGEND SAHTI

BLACKBERRY WITBIER

are not the same consumers whom Row 34 currently seeks to engender.  This is the case for many people new to craft beer.  While grocery store “mixer sixer” ballers have their place and demographic, it would be tantamount to busting into a Michael Mena restaurant and demanding to know why there is no fried Pepsi or funnel cakes on the menu. Fear not though, there are innumerable Facebook groups of “[ADJECTIVE] BEER LOVERS” who still drink 1000+ mediocre irrelevant offerings with pride every year, post unviewed Youtube videos for nonexistent audiences, and people who still embrace Beer Advocate as a valuable resource to keep Boston Beer Company a viable concern for the ongoing future.

In sum, the story resounds like an aging Whitesnake fan bursting in on a Mars Volta concert fraught with concern for what THESE KIDS ENJOY THESE DAYS? SAISONS? WHAT EVEN IN THE HOW NOW, IN A BARREL?!  If you go to a craft beer bar and see a dude in Oakleys with a Tommy Bahama shirt and a Nextel cell phone clipped to his cargo shorts, you just found your Sam Adams consumer base, unshakeable and fully ready to extol the virtues of Ranger IPA at length, muttering “RESPECT BEER” and blanket “DRINK LOCAL” statements with careless abandon.

This site isn’t for those beer drinkers any more than Lord Hobo exists to pander to that demographic, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

There's nothing wrong with appealing to a totally different audience

There’s nothing wrong with appealing to a totally different audience

EDITORS NOTE:  This took place last October not Saturday as previously reported, and it occurred at Row 34. Like you gave a shit anyway.

13

Beer Advocate Announces Bold New Program: Beer Advocate University, Campus Curriculum Aimed at Beer Education

In what some are calling the greatest movement in Beer Education since the establishment of the for-profit Cicerone certification program. Beeradvocate.com founders, Jason and Todd Alstrom, announced early Wednesday morning that, they too, would be entering the world of Beer Academia.

“This is a decision that we have thought long and hard about, and with the massive exodus of some of our most prolific users, we figured now would we be the perfect time to establish a for-profit education system,” said founder, Todd Alstrom while laboriously coding on a Windows ME Pentium desktop.

Pictured above: Preemptively expelled students

Pictured above: Preemptively expelled students

The Brothers announced bold new innovations to the beer world with a full staff and curriculum, with a campus forthcoming. “We intend on obtaining the campus shortly after we finish our mobile app, sometime upwards of 2018,” noted Jason Alstrom, while pensively surveying the menu of a downtown Denver Coldstone Creamery. “One of our first moves will be to send out pre-acceptance letters to our 372,513 users. I know this sounds aggressive, but remember, at least 300,000 of these members are inactive or were dropped completely when our servers failed in January 2012. Running a full-time university surely cannot be more difficult than the strict standards we have set forth over the years at BeerAdvocate.com.”

The program is slated to begin with an 86 unit curriculum that will instruct Beer Advocate users in a wide variety of beer-related topics. Traditional day program tuition is projected to be set at $48,000.00 per year. This sum will be largely divested to the Brothers themselves and beer related trips for the faculty. “It really is a big stride for beer in general. We have always respected beer and I think this new program evidences that fact pretty well,” Todd noted while putting the final touches on the course curriculum for the 4,300 active users who still remain on Beeradvocate.com.

Proposed Campus Map, golf carts provided to avoid prolonged ambulation

Proposed Campus Map, golf carts provided to avoid prolonged ambulation

The courseload consists of 3 seminar classes, each consisting of 9 hour long discussions of strictly pumpkin beers. There also are a variety of elective courses where students are encouraged to discuss hops, hop profiles, and write dissertation papers on endless combinations of “Heady versus Pliny” “Pliny versus Sculpin” “Sculpin versus Zombie Dust” and other sage topics. The history program will feature 24 hour discussion rooms to address the issue as to whether this year’s batch is, in fact, not as good as last year’s batch. The criminal justice program will focus largely on cases of porch-destruction forensics and determining who, in fact, is a bad trader.

In addition to the strict academic program, there will also be voluntary office hours held in the main lecture hall wherein a proctor will hold up a picture of a forthcoming beer and a series of students can chime in loudly whether they will or will not be purchasing said beer. “It really is a critical part of beer culture to maintain a public forum for these things, determining whether or not our students will be purchasing the next batch of Founder’s Breakfast Stout and then vocalizing it loudly. These are important things,” F2brewers noted solemnly.

For those inclined toward economics and the business side of the beer world, there will be seminars for participants to learn the economics of the beer trading world. “Our first goal in teaching economics in the beer framework was to present a total lack of transparency for all concepts” noted resident professor F2Brewers. “For example, let’s say you are unsure if you should trade Parabola, if a student gives you direction in this regard, that student will be promptly expelled,” F2brewers quipped while sketching out some Babylon 5 fan art. “We have controls in place for the first semester wherein the top 1000 scoring students will be promptly expelled and banned from the University. This is a place of learning for mature adults, not a place where someone capriciously executes unwarranted decisions.”

Picture above: hypothetical photo of two proud graduates

Picture above: hypothetical photo of two proud graduates

The student housing for the Beer Advocate University campus is shaping up to be equally compelling with a “NO PARKING ANYTIME” protocol being enforced for all students. “Todd, he loves to tow cars: students, people trapped in inclement weather, it’s kinda his thing. We figured to recreate the monastic conditions of Trappist brewing we would implement these draconian measures on our own student body,” F2Brewers noted in a particularly verbose moment.

After three years and countless hours spent discussing hop profiles and pumpkin beers, Beer Advocate University hopes to engender its students with a sense of pride and reverence for what they have accomplished. “Just think of the look in your grandfather’s eye when you tell him about the hundreds of readily available off-shelf beers that you rated with 100 words or less. There really is no word for that level of pride, to be sure,” Jason noted encouragingly.

The Alstrom Brothers will begin taking tuition payments in the forthcoming weeks and hope that the actual academic program will begin shortly thereafter, without any guarantees express or implied. “It is our school you know, no one is forcing you to go to school, if you don’t like it, just don’t go to our school. However we will keep all your written coursework as our own, obviously.”

The forthcoming academic year is shaping up to be a bubbling success at Beer Advocate University.

0

Andechser Dopplebock Dunkel, Doppelbock 7.1% abv, Teach Me How to Dunkel.

My neck, my sack, my dopple and my boch.

Oh shit, another top 100 beer? Guess it must be the waxing moon.

Andechser Dopplebock Dunkel, Doppelbock 7.1% abv

A: The beer pours a translucent deep caramel color with a huge amount of carbonation that maintains a generous head and sticks to the sides of the glass. It looks like a root beer float in many ways. Take this to a 6th grade slumber party and you will be the life of the PARTY, and shortly asked to leave.

S: This has a great smell of sweet clove, banana esters, Belgian spice, and mild milk chocolate. The cocoa and dates make it feel like a tame Belgian quad in many ways. It handles your nose like the gentlest of returns cashiers at Target, making sure that you are satisfied through and through.

T: This beer delivers a very mild cocoa front with some clove that melds into a banana and apple sweetness. The whole experience is just tame but understated like the calm poise of a regal mother in law from Connecticut. You know there’s a lot going on there, but it doesn’t get all up in your face about it.

M: The mouthfeel is both creamy and thin at the same time, PARADOXES ABOUND. The actual water seems very hard in that it has a crisp clean finish but the carbonation and slickness coats in a quick way. The drinker is left with a satisfying sheen like when you get out of a gnar gnar moshpit, dirty, yet, cleansed.

D: This beer shines in pulling off a crazy hat trick of imparting a ton of flavor, masking the moderate abv, and washing away incredibly quickly in a refreshing manner. It’s not like bears are MEANT for unicycles, but when you see the two combined, no objections resound. Tl;dr – lots flavor, good drink.

Narrative: :::BRRRVRRRMMMM::: Another full-sized 2.0L Bavarian truck rushed by unnoticing of the small German boy’s plight. Hans Geinlich’s caramel apple stand was not going so well. The modest price of 1 euro was not off-putting, nor was his fashionable marketing strategy of precariously reaching his arm out to motorists passing by. “Und zen, you schould be trying ze apples!” he shouted as a gaudy BMW roared past at 200 km/h. It was the location. He had an amazing caramel apple, sublime even. It was a manifestation of Gluck’s finest symphony within an ambrosial treat, but selling them in a remote stretch of the Autobahn did no one any favors. He once almost caused a 12 car pile up when a driver screeched to a halt to sample his wares, damn near flipping a series of tiny French hatchbacks behind him. “Und zen, zey cink zat I am ze jokes wit ze apples!” he sobbed mournfully and sat on a charred tire. Someday Hans would realize his dreams and create a Bavarian chocolate factory with a marketing gimmic involving golden tickets, but for the time being, it was roadside apple sales for this likeable little Prussian.