New York based online retailer, HalftimeBeverage is no stranger to the online beer racket. The site has provided quality craft beer wares and off-shelf items to customers for years without pause or interruption.
“We recently have begun contemplating completely fucking ruining our entire site with an online release,” noted site Administrator, Sanjay Singh, “things have just been going way too smoothely lately. It is time to bait our overweight nationwide audience with a small cache of “rare” beers.”
Mr. Singh is no stranger to the beer game himself and has assisted with the administration of Halftimebeverages since the site’s inception. “We once sold Brooklyn Black OPs online and our servers hit 82% capacity” he commented as he took a long pull from a Capri Sun, “we were shocked, I mean, have you tasted that garbage?”
The halls of HalftimeBeverage are busy with people walking to and from meetings concerning the forthcoming site crash. “We have about 2 cases of Goose Island Juliet, that’s pretty rare right?” one HTB intern inquired as the hushed meeting. “What we are looking to do is boost traffic to the site, sell bottles online to a number of people with orders we cannot possible fulfill and ultimately disappoint the fuck out of our customer base,” explained CFO of HalftimeBeverages, James Chalmbers “if we aren’t getting 404 errors for at least 5 hours after the sale, we have done something seriously wrong.”
Devin Millings is one such craft beer afficionado who plans to contribute to the crashing the complete destruction of the online retailer. “I don’t like standing in lines, plus I can keep WoW on my split monitor support while I push f5 repeatedly,” Millings noted while pushing fistfulls of Combos into his unkempt gullet, “I just want that Juliet, I bet it’s so fucking good. We don’t get that in Louisiana so it’s so rare. Mmm wow, I can almost already taste it.”
Online marketing strategist Jacob Walmsly explained the publicity stunt succinctly, “what you do is post beers that people will want, and then disappoint the shit out of them. You get to spend weeks fielding complaints from angry consumers with zero stake in your company, remap your servers, make off-shelf beers seem rare, and altogether provide almost zero service to your customers. It really is a win-win for all parties involved.” Walmsly then drew a series of unlabeled Venn Diagrams to illustrate his opaque point.
“I don’t want to trade beers, that’s for losers” Millings observed, “if I can buy a marked up bottle online and show it to my homebrew club, then they will respect me. I have a Dunkelweissen brewi-” Millings noted as he rummaged through a bin of old Wizard magazines searching for a recipe that was unlocated at press time.
“At the end of the day, we want our server to crash and we are looking to disappoint a lot of people,” Chalmbers stated, “it makes us look relevant to a community of beer aficionados who don’t know what the fuck they are doing. Everyone wins.”
At the conclusion of the meeting, QC manager Michael Washinton inspected the three cases of Goose Island Gillian to be sold online, “all 36 bottles present and accounted for. If I were a dipshit with no Fedex account, I would be really excited to press F5 for 90 minutes and received nothing. Super excited.”