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@CycleBrewing Nooner 8, Getting Kicked Square in the old Hazelnutsack in the best possible way

If you have been in the trade game for a hot minute, you will know that low bottlecount whales have kinda been the Florida NICHE for quite some time.  Back in 2011 when the world had a nervous breakdown over the 50 bottle release of Funky Buddha WIDE AWAKE, the precedent was well established, which is to say nothing of the 84 bottles of Apple Brandy Huna and all kinds of other apeshit releases.  Well today we have a 1 per person, 300 bottle release that put up world class stats in the stout game, so why not soloskull this shit and share it with no one, PAR FOR THE COURSE ON THE DDB COUNTRY CLUB LINKS

Even the nicest camera wont make someone less of an adjunct stout coveting shitlord

Even the nicest camera wont make someone less of an adjunct stout coveting shitlord

Nooner 8, Floridaland, Cycle Brewing

Hazelnut BA Rare Dos, 10.5% abv, Imperial Stout

The elongated countertop was essential to the composition

The elongated countertop was essential to the composition

A: It pours viscous and emits a frothy mocha frap foam that cascades upwards like a garbage disposal pushing your refuse back into your life.  The coating is nicely executed and stains the glass enough, but not in that weakling Central Water(y) sort of way.

S:  Even just pouring this it is a hazelnut, coffee creamer extravaganza.  It smells like some negligent ass barista dropped a bottle of torani syrup in my kitchen and just left it there.  It is wave upon wave of Snickers, Kit Kats, Malted whoppers and sticky chocolate.  I even get an odd like laundry dryer sheet sort of waxiness on the nose, straight up Yankee candle shit for sure.

STOUT BALLERS CHECKING IN

STOUT BALLER SQUAD CHECKING IN

T:  The taste is a liquified Ferrero Rocher.  If you are poverty status and dont know what that is, that is an overpiced candy that white people give to other white people at Christmas when they hate each other.  It is comically overdone with vanilla oils like Tollhouse cookies, wafflecone, just absurd amounts of oiliness to it that creates a sticky sweet greasiness like a funnel cake.  I can see people loving this in limited doses but holy fuck this goes completely overboard and makes Grey Monday seem restrained by contrast.

Just an exceptional stout, no need for concern

Just an exceptional stout, no need for concern

M:  This is nimble on the palate and doesn’t coat excessively, but jesus does that Hazelnut exercise some squatter’s rights. It imparts an endless oiliness on the gumline that clings with the sweet nutty aspects for dear life.  You know how when someone does “DONT STOP BELIEVING” in kareoke you get to laugh your ass off at them having to do the same chorus for the final 3 minutes? That is how this plays out.  I want to take another sip and it is like ENOUGH ALREADY, you made your point.  This is the hazelnut equivalent of asking someone “wait so what is Crossfit” or “so if you are vegan what can you eat?” It is going to be long laborious interaction.

adjunct stouts put ur tastebuds inthe friendzone so hard wats the point

adjunct stouts put ur tastebuds inthe friendzone so hard wats the point

D:  I killed this with relative ease but felt like a decadent 18th century French aristocrat.  This is a perfect example of a beer that will put up Calvin Broadus numbers because invariably some stupid fuck will give up their entire cellar to land it and it will get split 19 ways to much fanfare and backslapping at a tasting.  So of course everyone will lose their shit.  Don’t get me wrong, it is VERY good, it is better than Grey Monday due to approachability, but it isn’t on some next level Puga Royale/BVDL shit. Seek it out if you care enough, with 8 of these you might land an Aquavint Derk Lerd.

ONE CAN ONLY DREAM.

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@columbusbrewing Bodhi DIPA, Touch that Bodhi, Get All Up in the Bodhi, Put my Bodhi inside You

Alright, we can all agree that Christopher Columbus was a complete shitbag, right? I mean ok, he rediscovered a trade route, committed genocide of thousands/millions of natives, sold Carribeans into slavery, we all know about that; but he also probably never brewed a DIPA. If you do all that horrible shit and then never offset it with at least a quality beer, then, that’s just babystomp levels of wrong. Columbus Brewing would be the inverted analog to the imperialist mariner: solid land locked people with no boats, no imperialistic aspirations, and they brew a fucking amazing DIPA. I saw this lil elusive minx pop up on the old school top 100, back when the mics used to mean something, 95 was meant you were the shit, now a 99 is like the least you get. Mad props to BlacknYellow for sending me this sticky banger. Anyway, this is fucking amazing and the best hoppy offering to come out of the midwest in a long time. Sorry Head Hunter. This is vastly superior. This one is for you Sendsilk, stop complaining and let’s get up in that Bodhi.

Classic DDB form: skulled the entire fucking 2L solo while playing GTAV. Typical Tuesday.

Classic DDB form: skulled the entire fucking 2L solo while playing GTAV. Typical Tuesday.

Columbus Brewing Company visit their website
Ohio, United States
American Double / Imperial IPA | 8.00% ABV

A: This is just beautiful. It isn’t that orange julius turbid mish mosh that HF presents, but it isn’t that deep gold SRM from west coast offerings, nor the ugly brassy east coast maltbombs: it is it’s own aesthetic. Looking at it, you wouldn’t think 8% abv DIPA, it looks like a tamer sort of Zombie Dusty affair. The carb held up well and there is light cling and little retention, but you didn’t put this hop porn in for the foamy storyline. You just want those hop oil money shots all in your mouth. Triple ropers.

Once this growler was opened I couldn't keep my mouth up off it

Once this growler was opened I couldn’t keep my mouth up off it

S: This has a fantastic floral meets citrus boquet that doesn’t dominate on either profile. At first it is a bit aserose and you have sad feels, but then that grapefruit comes through like pith on the backend lightening up the bitter Coen Brothers hop profile with a bit of Raising Hopizona. Jamean.

T: Again, the pine needles are swept gently into a corner with some smashed lemon and yard trimmings in a beautiful medley that is distinctively grassy, resinous, but bright enough to maintain that complexity. It is the halfway house between shitty east coast malt bombs and simplistic refreshing west coast citrus profiles. The ABV is masked impeccably, you wouldn’t even know there were bricks stuffed up in the spare moving mad weight up in this whip. Pine cones soaked in grapefruit puree, bottled with unfiltered sunlight. Straight ratchet and worth the hype.

People who dont trade will be all rustled and talk about how their local IPA is the best, lol, rite.

People who dont trade will be all rustled and talk about how their local IPA is the best, lol, rite.

M: This is exceedingly thin and all the better as a result. In racing they say “if you want to make your car do everything better, reduce the weight” and that is essentially what is going on here. This is a stripped down malty 240z with a fucking 350 of hops dropped into the chassis. I am not sure if this amount of resin to citrus ratio is street legal, but it def gives southeast asian kids erections. It washes away clean with an almost dry finish due to the oily bitterness that leave you with little recourse besides getting face down in it for another taste.

D: I killed this entire growler on a weeknight and wondered just what the fuck happened the next morning. My Roomba looked on in cold disapproval and swept up all the smashed goldfish from the entryway. This will get you on that Mossberg swerve to the point where, who knows, maybe you might get banned from a local establishment and/or beer website. Anything is possible with this minx. Highly recommended Boneyard/Alpine level shit. Seek this one out, srs.

It is like they took a classic formula and amped it up with speed, cornering and mid 90's extreme intensity

It is like they took a classic formula and amped it up with speed, cornering and mid 90’s extreme intensity

Narrative: Dwayne Clark knew that his grill was illfitting and he didn’t care to address the issue. The lack of balance was his calling and the street youth loved him for it. In urban circles this was an issue of ultimate reproach and he instead chose to clench his bicuspids defiantly. “What type of cheesy gordita crunch would you like?” “mhm.” He just felt the pang of knowing that his vestigial dental accessory was somehow subpar to the most luxurious on the block, but ornate and amazing in execution. “I shed, jush a regular scheesy gordita, crunsh.” He gritted his jaw knowing they were mocking his ostentatious purchase, the precious stones obfuscating his speech. It was sheer excess, to be sure. WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? TAKE IT OUT? That is simply not an option when you come so close to regal greatness. No sir, he resolved to show this grill in all of its majesty, despite the “minor” problems that he may encounter on a day to day basis. Dwayne would tend the danky vines in his grandmother’s basement and wait for the day that Interscope saw the true genius behind his radiant flows.

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@gooseisland Cthulhu, Srs Revue guise, not jokes time. Not ruining beer time. Srs.

Alright, by now you have already probably seen DDB do dumbshit and ruin Cahutlow in a coovie, but I got plenty of messages asking me to actually address what the fuck this 320 bottle midwestwhale actually TASTED like. Sometimes ruining shit is not enough, people want subjective opinions to go with their free experience on DDB. Alright, so let’s just get this out of the way off the bat: this beer is awesome, but there is no way it was worth what you gave up to land it. If you enter this maltyanoos pounder with that in mind, victim complex in hand, then the healing will be so much easier.

Bootleg tome ghost repping that bootleg Parabola in the cut.

Bootleg tome ghost repping that bootleg Parabola in the cut.

Goose Island Beer Co.
Oatmeal Stout | 10.00% ABV

First and foremost, thanks to tbadiuk and thousandfoldthought for donating this bottle for me to fucking ruin.

A: This is deep black at the center with no light permeating this bad bitch at any point. It goes hard and crushes all photons up in the chocolate malt game. The mocha foam looks like a river in Ohio, except this beer doesn’t catch on fire. The carb is on point, the lacing is phenomenal and this is beautiful and has this ebony dream sort of execution to it like a POWERFUL BOURBON STALLION YOU JUST WANT TO MOUNT AND RIDE HARD AND PUT AWAY WET. You know the feeling, your lips and thighs all raw.

Wait. Not on shelves? low bottle count? This can't possible be from Chicago. No Magic allowed.

Wait. Not on shelves? low bottle count? This can’t possible be from Chicago. No Magic allowed.

S: This is the halfway house between the vanilla/coconut/oak from Elijah craig but the base beer contributes this sort of 4 roses barrel treatment sweetness that is like mallowfoam and caramel. It is fucking phenomenal on the nose and exceeds Parabola in this regard. That is as hard for me to type as you can imagine. This whole fucking beer is like, alright they release the Porsche 911 and you are like “fuck, that is sick.” but then for $45,000.00 more, you can get a lil bit more horsepower and some extra badges. Yes, it is 8.5% doper than Parabola, but god damn this shit is optioned out so hard the dealer will be dancing on your grave before you pay it off. They need to toss this shit in 4 packs and stop pushing beer nerds collective faces into the 550 thread count stout sheets.

T: This has a fucking mind blowing balance between the roast, decadent coffee/chocolate sweetness, brownie batter and just barrel for days that just pounds like an Ernie Ball stingray out of that Ampeg 8×10 cab. The beats are steady knocking and the oak gives the sweetness a partner in crime that dries but leaves shit all sticky, like when you used to piss the bed, except it is a torrent of chocolate bourbon piss, like in your dreams. I got some people asking me how we did that “camera trick” when I poured a fuckload of this into a bowl, no camera trick, but I sure as fuck ALMOST regret it because this beer is just that good. When I say I am srs, i am not jk, am srs.

FT: one of 320 bottles so rare ISO: a fucking girlfriend

FT: one of 320 bottles so rare ISO: a fucking girlfriend

M: This is sticky as huna, but less substantial in those patented CCB sugars. It doesn’t roll that Three Floyd’s 1.045 FG. It doesn’t go all eating disorder thin like Eclipse. It somehow addresses the issues that I had with base BCBS (which is essentially fucking nothing) and improves upon the barrel, fusel notes, ratchets the heat down, improves that silky mouthfeel with a blast of oat, and just leaves you with a bukkake chocolate blast all over your gumline.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and just gets drained LIKE V FROM ERIC NORTHMAN TO SOOKIE STACKHOUSE AMIRITE. You want more, and it is gone and you shake a snowglobe like a complete pussy and think of stouts long past: that first sip of FBS before your life was in shambles, a yeasty shell of accomplishments. This is a great beer, but it is tough to justify the cost of entry and I am sure many a person walked with a limp after getting their tradeanooes distended, giving up top tier lambic and shit. The 312 will always w[h]in[e].

OH YOU MADE AN OATMEAL STOUT IN BA BARRELS OF BOURBON BA? FUCKIN TOUGH

OH YOU MADE AN OATMEAL STOUT IN BA BARRELS OF BOURBON BA? FUCKIN TOUGH

Narrative: “NOBODY CHARGES ME FOR ADDITIONAL SAUCES, NO BODY.” His neck strained with rage and a sweaty brow. He used to be such a good friend and, for a few moments he was actually pretty fun, but this is not the Chad that you remember from college. “OH I AM SORRY AM I MAKING A SCENE? well guess what GOOD I DONT NEED TO BE EATING HERE BRO I JUST WANTED SOME GOD DAMN RANCH FOR THESE STRIPS. I DONT. LIKE. DRY. STRIPS!!!” The smell of chocolate and bourbon hung in the air. It takes so much just to even meet up with this guy. You hang your head sulking, oh great, a co-worker happens to come into this Denny’s? It used to be such a good time with Chad, going to ball games, kicking back a few brews, now he is misquoting the Da Vinci code and hitting on the receptionist from your office. “YEAH SO THATS WHY THEY CALL IT A JET BOAT, I am sorry, too much for you? Too much speed? Or you just dont know nothing about boats? Don’t touch me bro, I am hollering at this girl, OH IM SORRY, SORRY FOR BEING SO EMBARASSING YOU, CAPTAIN NO SEX WITH HAYLEY SINCE 5 MONTHS AGO. “We should do this more often, check please.” You would only meet once, but that was a powerful bourbon soaked endeavor.