Virginia Stoutwale Roundup: ABGBS, KXMASGBS, AB Resolute, COCO Resolute, ACRONYMsolute

February 10, 2016 | dontdrinkbeer

The Virginia contingency has enjoyed the relative calm provided by Brothers and Hardywood. Neither one of them dumped a barrel of type O negative into the water for the mulesharks to swarm over and, like Washington, Virginia seems to be silently drinking their own supply and enjoying some furtive world class beers. AND THEN COCONUT RESOLUTE CAME OUT. AND THEN THE MIDWEST/FLORIDA CONCH SHELL WAS BLOWN.

The second you dump secondary ingredients into a stout, thereby guaranteeing flavor confirmation, all shit breaks loose on the boards. So let’s take four of these recent wave makers and and whip up some global comparisons. FOUR VIRGINIA STOUTS RANKED IN ORDER OF DANKNESS:

NUMBER FOUR: Apple Brandy Resolute

va5

Right out of the gates I was stoked for this one, a solid base stout, a SOCIETY ONLY BOTTLE, and the legendary apple brandy barrels that turn everything into pure stout raffle currency. Sadly, this didn’t really knock me off my perch. At best I used my beak to hit the thin chocolate bell and look at myself in the brownie stained mirror.

We are making pet avian jokes now.

The real issue here was with the thinnnn mouthfeel. It has a substantial abv and you’d except some residual malts to lay the foundation for those classy ass barrels to hoof it upon. Sadly the apple brandy could have been any treatment given the fact that much of the treatment came across as muted and a sort of Nestle cocoa powder instead of sticky sweet caramel whipped milkshake. This is by no means bad but, certainly nothing to straddle a hitachi over either.

3) Apple Brandy GBS va1

Ok let me address something before everyone starts lactating cinnamon out of their sand dollar nips: the serving vessel did not kill this for me, in fact this is actually very tasty. The real issue is that the two beers following this were FUCKING AWESOME so this by contrast was like Central Waters BB Stout, you nod approvingly, enjoy the repartee, but never really sit and mull it over. The frothy mouthfeel is great but there isn’t a substantial drag for the spices to cling to like static charged dryer sheets.

va2

Yes, you read that right, I am complaining about the LACK of spice interplay in a stout. I am truly being a bitch about the cinnamon. It was subtle and arguably very deftly done because it never became distracting like that nightmarish churro tyrant: BA Abraxas. This was a nice gingersnap cookie dipped into some chocolate milk. You get the waft of holiday bliss but also a sort of sweet moon pie/residual lactose nicety that makes it very pleasant to drink. Everything I said in the foregoing conflicts with my usual stance on beers like this, so for them to overcome despite impossible odds, that’s some Bad News Bears type of stout. I am a fan.

NUMBER TWO: Kentucky Christmas Morning va4

Alright, shit is getting real now. This is the bourbon+coffee version of number three and holy fuck is this good. The underpinnings of this is essentially a mocha PSL frap. The frothy sweet milk stout coats with that massive Moloko milk bar panache. The cinnamon serves as a bump/set to the fantastic coffee spike. This is insanely drinkable and the long finish and clean body makes this never seem messy and it remains focused with every sip.

va3

I thought for sure this would be a complete mess for any number of reasons but I think the real takeaway from Hardywood is: RESTRAINT. They execute things akin to Beachwood and Great Lakes, where the realization is that beers, like steaks, are almost always better underdone. This never becomes one note, nor are the additions forgettable sidecars tacked on for some “limited release” alms cup rattling. The best part of this beer is the carb/sweetness combo from the lactose. A really solid beer, toe to tip.

Last but not least, this complete suntan lotion masterpiece:

va6

Coconut Resolute puts corona in the corner with a shot of fireball to think about the things that it has done. If the underlying theme of this writeup has been balance and grace, this exhibits all of the foregoing expertly. Unlike the already incredible Goose Island Prop 2013, this doesn’t elect to lean strictly upon its milky coconutty interior. This is first and foremost a stout that can rest on its own merits and the nose and swallow are some banging backup dancers that bring massive waves of Almond Joy goodness.

The end result is a beer that brings the macaroon, sure the Mounds are tumescent and dripping, but remains an identifiable stout at the bottom of all those toasted flakes. That is a remarkable achievement because it lends depth in a category replete with 13 person shares where some dumbfuck just wants to confirm “WORTH THE HYPE DEF TASTS LIKE COCONUT.” Obvious observation badge unlocked.

While this isn’t in the canon of say, top 10 stouts of ALL TIME, it can easily rival the best of the best for a low hanging slot. It is an exceptional treat that you would be remiss to not seek out.

va9

MFW that coco.

Cycle DBR – Discount Burt Reynolds, Dick Butt Reserve

February 5, 2016 | dontdrinkbeer

Man as much as I like to craft the yukyuks and make wild generalizations about how California being a vassal state of proxy slaves and Florida being packed with Nascar loving waterhags, you can’t deny: Cycle consistently kills it in the stout game. Even “misses” like Nooner 10, are still pretty phenomenal. No amount of cajoling or needling will change the fact that Cycle is putting out some of the finest stoutjams around, and doing so with alarming regularity.

dbr1

This “DBR” has a murky history and I have heard a variety of things about it. Someone told me it is a bourbon barrel aged MASSIVE Rare Dos, which I guess would make sense at 14.5% Abv. Yet another person told me this was a DOUBLE BARREL Rare Dos, in two types of RYE barrels. There was noted inconsistency.

At any rate, today we have another fine entry into the already staggering canon of Cycle’s dark ale game: Discount Burt Reynolds. With the specs on this and mystery surrounding it, I am shocked that it isn’t fetching far more at this point because this is a relatively accessible sleeper gem at this point that you need to try.

First and foremost: this is 1) world class 2) from Florida 3) a stout and 4) CONTAINS ZERO ADJUNCTS. I know that the punchlines attendant to this zone is as well worn as polished marble, but that’s pretty fucking noteworthy. This beer is this phenomenal with no gimmics/no riddles/talkin white squares with the stamps in the middle. Ironically, the beer with NO adjuncts tells you to drink it immediately. The biggest beer they have ever made…needs to be opened fresh. I am totally fine with that, but we will still see some entry level dumbfuck raffling one of these in 2022 claiming “STILL DRINKING JUST AS GOOD CHECK OUT MY OTHER RAFFLE FOR 2010 BCBVS!”

dbr2

It pours viscous but lively with flawless carb, just clingy enough, but the stout lets you hang out with your buddies once in a while as well: that Aristotelian mean. The nose is so incredibly well done that it very well could contain any number of additions. I am not going to lean on the old Georgian punching bag “contains no coffee” but the blast of fresh espresso mixed with cake frosting, massive vanilla wafers and whoppers makes this a fantastic beer to behold at higher temps. I opened this at 55 degrees and was taken aback by the fusel nature, but the folds part with warmth like the sticky petals of a chrysanthemum bathed in spring sunlight.

The taste delivers on all of the olfactory dry humping. You get the boozy, oak forward character that almost comes across as dark chocolate dunked in Rittenhouse Rye. Sure it’s there, but it never is flabbby or hefty despite its considerable abv. This reminds me a lot of Pugachev 25 with a touch more emphasis on the Kit Kat notes instead of that pencil shaving ultra aged depth.

dbr3

If you have Cycle fatigue from their multitude of releases, palates, nooners, hazelnuts, ampersands and whateverthefuck: DONT SKIP THIS ONE. If you loved the boozy original BA Plead the Fifth, this is right in your tight 15% fuselhole. AND THAT FUSELHOLE IS HOT AND WAFTY.

@thebruery Port Barrel Black Tuesday, Poppin Tannins like when Postmenopausal Baes hit the club and Order Grenache

February 5, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Well it only took a solid 6 years for the Bruery to start rolling out a series of BT variants, but now we are swimming in them. We did rum, did madeira, but what about this vinous banger? This is a wildly different romp in the barrel and comes across more like the missing link between regular ass Black Tuesday and Wineification, WINUS ERECTUS. Let’s squeeze them grapes in today’s review and get lazier than a Portugese government employee

Fully turnt popping them big BALs at Kern River.

Placentaville, OC, CA
The Bruery, 18.1% abv

A: Pepper your angus, this looks exactly like 2014 BT. You know, the same nimble, clean, balanced 19.5% stout that is the best vintage since 2009. That BT. The carb is on point and gives deep dark mocha foam and jet black countenance that looks slick and more attenuated than other beers with half the abv. It drops it low in a three point stance and errybody in the brewery watching it pop them porty hips for dollars.

WARNING: u betr b alfa as fukkkkk to enjoy this beer.

S: This takes a radical departure into a realm that is not even BT really and feels like it could be it’s own beer given how deviant it is contrasted to the normal bourbon barrel treatment. There is a massive grape and red fruit aspect to it, intense merlot oak, drunk your aunt’s kisses at Thanksgiving, this beer can run through your whole team like Jerome Bettis. There is a Welch’s grape meets muddled raspberry. It is unquestionably the most fruity execution of BT this side of straight up Wineification.

18% abv, flexing hard in the trap, no keys, push to start shit

T: The nose had the fruit and this executes in a massive port, sherry, carmelized blackberry, currant, and lingers on and on with chocolate like those cherries coated in chocolate, CORDIAL TONES. This doesn’t tread so deeply into the wine world ala Wineification itself but it sure straddles the fencepost between the two plots of land and grinds on them boards. The oak profile is the driest BT of them all, and while Madeira is the easiest to slam due to balance, this has the sheer depth and apeshit execution that would make a Sommelier start talking about degassing and floculation, running that grid all half mast.

M: This is intensely crisp and makes the regular BT seem relatively flabby by contrast, it is bone dry and leads with those grape skins. Jellys jams and dry french oak round out this chocolate desert. It is a phenomenal beer to let open up to near room temp and huff it hard. Rolling with Port BT is like pulling up with two bad bottles with you, molly and Aquafina.

Only the hardest in the game need apply.

D: This isn’t quite in the straight crushable Madeira range, but the dryness is what you receive in return. You are awarded a degree of complexity that takes that massive stout which may seem unwieldy at first blush, yet becomes drillable very quickly. For better or worse, you might drink this and buy all kinds of shit on Amazon and not remember it. Don’t act like you didn’t want the DVD collection of every season of Small Wonder. This beer just helps you achieve your latent dreams. Shotgun a pull of BCBS and then mouthkiss a Williams and Sonoma tier plastic divorcee from Santa Barbara and you just got the full Port BT experience. Oh you taking her home but you gotta move that carseat first. IT IS ALL WORTH IT.

@hillfarmstead Beyond Good and Evil, intersubjective morality AND SOME FUCKIN MAPLE SYRUP for the ubermensch tickers

June 4, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Man it feels like FOREVER, since I dropped a hot 16 bars on a Hill Farmstead beer. Will the expansion of the beer game and the constriction of my anoos, landing these beers has put my lower rectum in opposition to what my mouth wants. So what do we have today from the Green Mountain State, aka VERD MONT, aka cetacean land. This is a barrel aged stout from HillFeezy but instead of that traditional ass Damon approach in bourbon/port/DUBBEL, we have MAPLE SYRUP AND THEN TWO FUCKING YEARS IN BOURBON BARRELS. That’s like the same amount of time you spent on that bid for shoplifting that White Chicks DVD.

Life is all about priorities.

THINGS ARE GETTING CLASSY AS FUCK AROUND HERE

Hill Farmstead Brewery
Vermont, United States
Style | ABV
American Double / Imperial Stout | ABV ? WHODAFUCK HAS AN ALCOLYZER

A: This beer looks exactly how you would expect it to look, tar black, scared quid inky tones, that mocha foam and wispy trails hitting the glass up like street art in poor neighborhoods. The retention is legit, holds that head up high, shake the fuck out of an Illy coffee drink and drop it into regular ass Damon and you’d get the same effect. UPDATE: I KNOW THERE IS NO COFFEE IN THIS, THAT WAS A VISUAL DESCRIPTOR THANKS FACT CHECKING DDB READERS.

This is what 99% of untappd stout reviews remind me of

S: Holy confectioner orgasm. This is easily the sweetest beer on the nose that Hill Farmstead has made to date and leads with less roast and more sticky August Gloomp chocolate, Hershey’s syrup, Caramello and Twix, and this sticky sweet IHOP presence. You get a touch of burnt toastiness on the back end but this is very much American in execution and smells almost like cocoa nibs or adjuncts were used but that’s all MALTMOTOR no forced induction. This beer is straight boosting.

T: The sweetness gang bang continues and you get hot chocolate ropes in and around your mouth. There is a maple syrup, pecan, and sweet Ms. Butterworth’s levels of complexity here, but thankfully the toasted malt aspects show up on the backend to keep this shit out of the Southern Tier realm of diabetic decadence. The bourbon presence is inextricably bound in this macaroon and maple sort of Cronut treat, but the chocolate and oak rides out the sustain on the finish like shooting them salty barrels, you get so pitted. If you have ever done naked burpees in a See’s Candy, you will know the sweetness and intensity present in this complex treat.

you may think because DDB is on that saison game he cant go alpha beast on stouts: YOU ARE FUCKN WRONG THO

M: The heft of this beer is somewhere in between MC2 and MC3, not crazy, but not as thin as MC1 either. It is somewhere akin to Parabola in mouthfeel albeit lacking any really carbonation or crackle in the mouth itself. It got so ramped up in the glass that by the time it gets in the mouth, the load has been shot and it just kinda lays there acting sweet along the gumline. Again, that maple sweetness seems to coat and linger and seems patently out of character for the crisp attenuated Hill Farmstead execution you may be used to. This is decidedly American in execution and strays away from that European game that Shaun Hill posts up on in the paint. SOMEONE IS GETTING BOXED OUT.

D: This is one of their more drinkable stouts due to the viscosity and mouthfeel, but again part of me wonders what could have been if the maple syrup were omitted. I know that defeats the purpose of the beer and the nuanced execution of something original. Maybe I am just a savory bastard in a sweet world, maybe I got a rough HJ in a Denny’s and cant stand syrup now; who knows. All in all, this is better than say MC1 and regular Damon, but fails to hit that back wall of my stout cervix like MC2 and MC3. This is all relative to the HF lineup, which is unfair to the masses of other shitty generic BA stouts out there, suffice it to say, it is better than 90% of those. I am sure I can rally some dipshit at this point to reference Parabola or regular BCBS or Kentucky Dark Star or whateverthefuck, but let the men talk without your offshelf jibber jabber.

The thing about stouts is- OH FUCK IT’S CAEYMAEX-

Narrative: The new school of Stoutology had exhibited inherent logical failings to Pierre Donmiesque. Their sticky emphasis on imagination, self-assertion, danger, originality, and the “creation of values” more often than not resulted in a reliance upon adjunct systems without a clear definition of terms. The average scholar following this new school of Stout discipline emphasized adjectives and ingredients over substance and execution as a whole. Pierre could not embrace this saccharine system of values, predicating the weaker at odds with the stronger, the more nimble stouts pulled down by the inefficient. Pierre held to a new system of malt beliefs portraying even domination, appropriation and injury to the weak stouts as not universally objectionable. Pierre had pushed to a new development in his high stout consciousness, at the expense of collateral stouts. Ultimately each brew philosopher had pandered exclusively to emphasize accessibility as a virtue, at the expense of quality, such were the trappings of the new school. Pierre saw this as a tee ball participation trophy where everyone was awarded BJCP accolades while accomplishing little more than endless emulation of preexisting tropes. Those chili/vanilla/cocoa/coffee archetypes were well worn and supported ad infinitum by a gallery of yeasayers. Pierre pressed his face to the glass and watched a bag of ancho chilis being emptied into a carbon copy stout with a name predicated on either a movie or pedestrian pun. ULtimately, Pierre felt that noble and base are distinguished by more than what they value as “good.” He had ascended beyond the failings of a 2008 BJCP morality presented in a post-ISO:FT world.

Pierre had become a stout critic beyond the scope of good and evil.

@darkhorsebrewco 2010 Bourbon Barrel Plead the 5th and 2011 Plead the 5th Aigre, Sub 100 Bottle Counts Like a Red Nose

December 9, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

First and foremost, huge LYMI thanks to Tom TRXXXPXXXSSSS for droping both of these gems on the old DDB liver.

When I imagine that life is like in the cold north of Michigan, I think of bleak sheets of white, running 24th fret solos on a B.C. Rich guitar, and feeling those supple stretch mark grooves along the chest and thighs of that sweet Midwest PYT that I picked up at a bowling alley. These are my fantasies. For every person in Michigan that is large, there is a corresponding bottle count that is small. Such is the axiomatic nature of the beer world. 230 bottles of Blueberry Eisbock are released to husky beer nerds and all is correct in the world. Eating disorder Florida will drop 14,000 bottles of Huna and still live in denial about its weight. Balance to the force.

But what happens when Michigan drops a beer with 36 bottles like BBpt5 OG Edition 2010 750ml banana clip release? How about that 60(?) bottle beat drop of the Aigre? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THEN? If you said “slay whales” audibly at your cubicle, then yes, you are correct. You are also a fucking weirdo. Let’s get it.

Before you complain about small pours, I had plenty, please continue pulling your testicle skin over your tiny dick aka that tiny tent.

Dark Horse Brewing Company
Michigan, United States

Style | ABV
Russian Imperial Stout | 14.00% ABV *

*My understanding is that these have changed over time and the first batch was like 15%+ the Aigre was (?) and the youdontgiveafuck was measured at an all time high.

Also, I already reviewed this bad bitch RIGHT HERE SO READ THIS NORMAL ASS BBpt5 review EVERYTHING YOU SEE WILL BE A CONTRAST

In other words, I am not gonna dupe some content for the purpose of hoodwinking them loyal readers. Instead, I am gonna be a lazy shit and just point out WHAT IS DIFFERENT. Why set up the laptop when you can jerk it in bed to old beer pics on your phone? Right.

A: Both of these bottles have some lack luster ass carb. They seem a bit more thin than their “fresh” counterparts and I feel like time may have metabolized a bit in the spacious 750ml apartment. Floor to ceiling windows and shit. There is no lacing to speak of, but who is really speaking of lacing these days anyway besides some entry level Papazian dipshits?

When a brewery releases less than 100 bottles, you are drinking homebrew. Some people just want to watch the world burn.

S: The 2010 bbpt5 is really muted and has a light char, some faded cocoa like chocolate milk left out overnight, the bourbon profile imparts more of a coconut and oaky ghost rather than the full on fisting that the fresh version pumps in 5 digits strong. The aigre is a totally different beast. I was expecting some Tart of Darkness fucking sour stout, but the sour profile is really nuanced and makes me doubt whether they really set out to make this sour. There is a cola/Dr. Pepper aspect with some black cherry and currant, but again, its really in the backfield kicking grass and not really contributing much to the company softball team. It is essentially pleading the 5th on the sour olfactory notes.

T: The bbpt5 OG version is kinda disappointing if you have had the super cutty, tongue kiss your aunt, erase all your save data hardcore fresh version. The roast is there, the bourbon and oak is really muted and integrated more like a sort of sweetness and faint prickly cherry finish. Truthfully, the valley between the aigre and the old ass BBpt5 is not that wide. Sure the aigre is sour, but it’s not exactly the mouth-fucking extravaganza you signed up for when you bought tickets to the lactic donkey show. The aigre offers up an amped up (3 of 10) tartness with a bit of plum, blackberry, but really turnt down. The original itself may have a mild infection, but the aigre is so light in execution it doesnt really step in the way. It’s not like when Funky Buddha takes you to summer camp and violates the fuck out of you with infection. This is more of a “touches your boner accidentally when reaching for the popcorn” sort of infection. It is there, but it doesn’t seem intentional, so it’s ok.

36 bottles. Bring this to a tasting and shitty Proprietor’s tickers be like-

M: The mouthfeelings on both of these are thin, wispy little endeavors and the abv is integrated seamlessly. The finish is closer to Event Horizon and Velvet Merkin than anything in the big boy realm. It could be the roast, it would be the age, or the dryness, but it’s a pretty seamless mouthfeel that coats, washes away, and then leaves no trace like a top tier escort. All is well in the mouth face tasting place.

D: The aigre was less drinkable, largely because there was a little prickly tartness at the finish that wasn’t a game changer, but it was more of a mild annoyance. It didn’t contribute much to the beer and came across like those stupid vents they put on cars that clearly don’t need them. It’s like, your car has no intercooler, you clearly dont need a fucking hood scoop. This beer was good as it is, you dont need some cherry/cranberry bitch in the backseat talking about how good Chick Fil A is. Furthermore, the 2010 bbpt5 was GOOD, but the fresh version is GREAT. The thin aspect kinda ruins that HUGE OPPRESSIVE bourbon waft and coating I have come to love smacking the underside of my perineum. That lil punishment made the experience worthwhile. This is too polite, goes down too easily, and finishes too quickly. I had to sound sleazy but stout tease me, I dont want it if it’s that easy.

When Tom dropped this on my doorstep it was like “well fuck, time to get to work”

Narrative: I already did a narrative for this beer. If you want an Aigre narrative, sprinkle in some tart references to a distant brother or something equally transparent. The writing on this site is two tips mushing until forever.

@firestonewalker Velvet Merkin, For The Discriminating Gentleman with a Regal Pubic Wig

October 2, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Well, once again I went to the brewery to get this 3000 case “shelf” release, since California 1) never gets Firestone bottles until 2 months after release and 2) assholes buy them up and complain about Sucaba afterwards. So basically, fuck California. So I traveled to beautiful Paso Robles to snag some of these oaty drops. The population of migrant workers harvesting grapes for overpriced wineries was SURPRISINGLY UNCARING about the release of this barrel aged oatmeal stout. It is almost like being paid crippling poverty wages for the production of luxury goods DOESNT MAKE THEM APPRECIATE A GOOD BARREL AGED STOUT IN THE 101 DEGREE SUN. Weird. Anyway, let’s review this shelf turd and pick out the finest pubic replacement fur.

You guys, look at the subtle triangle on the box, you get it? Oh man. You don’t even get it.

Brewed by Firestone Walker Brewing Co.
Style: Stout
Paso Robles, California USA
8.5% abv

Label nonsense:
This is our Velvet Merlin Oatmeal Stout aged in Bourbon Barrels and it just won the 2010 and 2011 Gold medal at the GABF for barrel aged beers!!! This beer goes into the barrels as a roasty dark chocolate, coffee accented mild mannered stout and comes out transformed as a milk chocolate, smooth dark cherry, vanilla and coconut infused masterpiece. We are incredibly proud of this beer and it seems as though it was always meant to be a barrel aged brew. 100% Oak Barrel Aged

A: This is a splishy splashy watery stout affair that links arms with gentle BA stouts like BASC and Event Horizon. In fact, basically any stout from the Carolinas will know this feel. Low abv, slick washy blackness that is a deep brown at the edges, straight entry level stout game for the babypalate haters who can’t dome BCBS and then pick the kids up from school. The cling is awesome and them oats just grip the edges like that 3 year old who wont leave the grocery store because he wants Skittles or some shit. Nice carb and great retention, but it is an oatmeal stout, what were you expecting?

Go to the store and stock up on bottles

S: At large, the whole affair from top to bottom feels like “Parabola Lite” in execution. That is far from a bad thing. Don’t interpret that as disparaging in any way, it is just different. Sometimes a 13% Parabola right before a Parole Hearing is a bit much, we have all been there. This is like instead of going for the 911 turbo, you opt for the stripped down Cayman R. Both have a certain appeal, neither is deficient. You get a muted bakers chocolate, cacoa, light roast coffee, mocha frap meets bourbon but the bourbon is as soft as a feather duvet just lowering its head and letting the roasted malts do all the talking. Again the whole thing is like a gentle handjob that is pleasant, but will bring you nowhere near completion.

T: This again is like Parabola dialed back, a support class mage, low DPS, healer stout that provides support instead of going tank steeze. You get the toasty refreshing malts, I know that’s a weird dichotomy. There is a bit of vanilla and baby doses of char, in the background you can make out some oaky presence but none of those elements are really in the game in a serious way. Sometimes cornerbacks can make amazing plays, but they usually aren’t putting up crazy fantasy numbers. Then again I know shit about beer and sports, so caveat emptor.

It is all fun and games until that ABV bite kicks in, secretly.

M: This is the most fantastic part of this beer and the only part that excels in light of the masterful big brother, Parabeezus. The silky oats give this satin sheen for the mouthfeelings. It just coats and leaves a nice sheet of creaminess that isn’t quite like nitro steeze but still amazing and whipped up like yayo in that baking bowl.

D: This is also more drinkable that Parabola due to the lower abv, cleaner finish, and silky mouthfeel. However, that is kinda like saying that a Mercedes SL is more driveable than a Murcielago. Some things are worth the inconvenience. This is just a different tool for a different job. If you have clitoral friends who complain that parabola is too “boozy, hot, thick, sweet” or some other ignorant shit: show them this. This is incredible in its own right and perfectly executed in so many ways, but it just isn’t that big beast that I have come to love being manhandled by. You know like when the stout grips your wrists and you secretly love the dominance OH OK I AM THE ONLY ONE ATTRACTED TO MALT POWER FINE I GET IT.

Some things are amazing even if they don’t accomplish exactly what was intended

Narrative: “PLEASE STACY, that is my grandmother’s Faberge egg collection you just NO! NO!” Anthony could only watch in horror as his girlfriend gorged herself on whiskey and oatmeal, destroying their possessions with careless abandon. “OK NO, now you are taking things too far, do not push my Body By Jake off of the balcon- NO!” Things weren’t going so well for the couple, she drank more, ate more chocolate, drank more bourbon, and broke his things as a byproduct. What was Anthony to do? The sex was amazing and she was his special Persephone, delving each night to savor the succor of sour mash and destruction. As bad as things were, she was still gentle compared to her older sister, who would ravage his bent genitals on a nightly basis. “Please, I have all of my FINAL FANTASY SAVE GAMES ON THOSE! HOURS OF! NO!” Somehow, it all evened out, she was sweet while sober and a complete monster when unleashed, but he liked it that way, secretly. “EARTHBOUND IN THE ORIGINAL BOX! NOOOOO!”

@hillfarmstead Madness and Civilization Part II: HURRY UP WITH MY DAMN CROISSANTS

July 3, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Well what we have here has all the makings of a good old fashioned brewery shitstorm on the boards:
1) 300 bottle release
2) 1 per person
3) World class brewery
4) High ass ratings
5) Likely one off

The smattering of beer boners could be heard ticking against the Anchor Blue jeans around the nation once this beer was dropped. This shit hits harder than a Tiesto drop and gets up in your spine like a fat sack of MDMA. It is like BA stout concentrate taken to Kuhnhenn levels, but managed with a Vermont throttle control. This is easily the biggest/most over the top beer that Shaun and the boys have put together and, lezbiahonest, this shit is some Kefka level boss mode shit with 3 stages.

THIS ISN’T EVEN ITS FINAL FORM.

300 bottle release and Chomsky be peepin and creepin

I guess the irrelevant text is kinda relevant, moderate structuralism link
Hill Farmstead Brewery
Vermont, United States

American Double / Imperial Stout | ABV 15%+

Notes:
From a single bourbon barrel having held a unique blend of 6 different threads for more than 16 months.

A: This is deeper than Damon, drops more viscous sheets than the Wonka Factory, puts up clear coats harder than Heisenberg and leaves a deep khaki foam like that Suicide Girl/Barista you clear your internet history on the reg. This is bold and the spotty lacing tries its damndest like Persephone to claw up out of the blackness.

This beer is strong, but profound at the same time.

S: This reminds me of a Hill Farmstead spin on the BCBS model, putting 7’8th time math rock breaks pushing beyond the simple bourbon to chocolatey sticky caramello goodness. If you have ever had a Whatchamacallit, then take that and dip it in George T. Stagg and cut it with some Nestle Quikk. It is mindblowing and seriously, dont even fuck with this beer below 60 degrees, you are selling your weak acorn penis short. There is a certain aspect of BCBS that seems to lack balance and this beer provides a certain roasty rub and tug that is a full release in the stout world. Ropes of chocolate all over the bourbon hotel walls.

T: The initial foot rubbing up your calf is this sticky sweet Hershey bar, the alcohol is present but adds more of a complexity to the roast than sticking out like something found in Pugachev’s Cobra, etc. The baby palates would still have a hard time knocking this one because the finish is this mallow/Zero Bar/xmas neighbor fudge that just lingers like that asian chick from Match.com you accidentally met. There’s a prominent vanilla aspect that lies underneath the surface of this sticky Vermont bayou but it isnt like the Coldstone Creamery Bukaki fest that is BCBS Vanilla, it has more respect for your mouth hole.

M: If it isn’t already evident, this is a sticky residual sugar banger that would be akin to BA Huna in finish if the drying roast wasn’t there to act as hall monitor. I don’t want to convey this beer as some beetus bomb, but it isn’t as roasty as the Kuhnhenn BA Black Hole rimmers, it is somewhere in between and just flexes those malt lats getting all the babies attenuation.

D: At colder temps, I was kinda shoulder shruggy as to how much of this beast I could wrangle, but once it warmed up the complexity of the flavor is gentler and wraps that bourbon profile around you like a blanket fresh from the dryer. It is a shame that most of the sand dollar nippled traders will have all of 2 ounce of this in some bullshit line of a humid backyard, because it is really an experience to open you up like a gifted urologist. A decadent cocoa smelling doctor with a certain southern vanilla panache and a mahogany scarf.

Meanwhile, in a Michigan garage, some dude is filming a 9 minute video review about SN Narwhal.

Narrative: In the occult brewing schools of the 1950’s there was a wild malt-based rebellion against the established post-pilsner culture of the Greatest Generation. The paradigm shift was a result of restructuring opinions about the nature of barrel aging versus the hegemony of cask influence. Ultimately a few schools elected to meet in secret to lay the foundations of stout meaning, in two terms: analytic stout creation and synthetic stout creation. To truly address the myopic problems with the pilsner paradigm a fuller understanding of the nature of stout reactionism (namely bottom fermentation subsistence in a culture of Hellenistic top fermenting dominance) was required. Ultimately the science of stouts progressed. These secret stout creation groups became empirical in nature and their feeble reliance upon pseudo-historical analysis was deconstructed from the roots. In one such meeting, Master Brewer Breucault touched the tits of analytic brewer, Wale Durant’s wife, Ariale. Since this epoch most breweries have progressed to a dialectical tradition of adding shitty adjuncts to everything in a bacchanalian overthrow of the oppressive yoke of good brewing” and “anti-Dogfishism.”

Jack’s Abby BA Framinghammer Triple Fucking Shootout: BA, Vanilla and Coffee. Pepper that Angus for the Lager Lovin.

May 29, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Since I have been neglecting the fuck out of this trashheap of a website, I figure that some Jack’s Abby loving is in order, in the form of a tawdry threeway. Barrel aged Framinghammer is a slick little treat from those lager masters up in the frigid northeast. Just when I thought my beer boner was on full swole, they bust out two fleshlight treatments: vanilla and coffee. Cialis levels attained. To clarify, these were not aged in fleshlights, though. One can dream.

Here is the regular ass Framinghammer. Just a world class beer, nothing to see here.

Here is the regular ass BA Framinghammer. Just a world class beer, nothing to see here.

Jack’s Abby Brewing
Massachusetts, United States
Baltic Porter | 10.00% ABV

The 2013 bottles were aged in Old Weller 107 bourbon barrels.

The beer is inversely better than my shitty picture, so it’s really good. Vanilla balling.

Baltic Porter | 10.00% ABV
– Aged on vanilla beans, no fucking shit.

I love that HF stemware but I can’t help but feeling like a premenopausal single mom clutching it. Watching Nurse Jackie and Damages and shit.

Baltic Porter | 10.00% ABV
Big, bold, black and barrel aged. A length conditioning period in bourbon barrels creates a silky smooth chocolatey mouth feel enhanced by the use of oats and brown sugar. Noticeable sweetness gets balanced by roasted malt and hop bitterness. Additional flavors include bourbon, vanilla, and oak. This one is aged on Barismo coffee strictly for the pre-teens and the roast haterzz.

A: I say this with the utmost sincerity: they look exactly the fucking same. Some would argue that the carb levels might be a bit different or the lacing has some mild variation but that guy probably reads Pitchfork media and fingers his pisshole when he gets home from his job at Lowe’s so fuck that guy. It is slick and nimble in its blackness, straight scared squid action with an inkiness that imparts a degree of wateriness in the splishy splashing. The carb is a single finger of mocha foam that subsides and gives way to some bottom fermenting beauty. This porter is distinctly porter with none of this “IS BBXXIV A STOUT” sort of bullshit thread creating nonsense. Porters por vida.

This isn’t like the porters that you buy, mine have adjuncts and were inaccessible and aged in barrels so it’s ok for me to have stretch marks.

Smell

Barrel aged:
This beer has a fantastic waft to it with oak, caramel, milk chocolate, a silky Dove bar dipped in E&J, and a mallow foam stroking it in the corner. It is a 1970’s mashup of discoteque madness with porters doing cocoa rails off of unshaven bush. Very legit all around, but then the variants stepped in-

Vanilla:
This goes apeshit and gives you more vanilla than you are bargaining for. The effect is so pronounced that it almost comes across like vanilla frozen yogurt or some Coldstone Creamery madness. The regular had pronounced vanilla and this takes the bullhorn and starts pumping sticky sweet AWOL Nation shit up your nose that’s a bit too produced to be loved. Too sweet, too methodical.

Coffee:
Unlike the vanilla, this takes the base beer and massages the palm lightly, pressing a cup of joe in its hand and leaving some lipstick on the glass. This feels decadent and classy with a sharp roastiness that leans closer to the acidity profile found in the Black Cat series if you are one of those dudes who smells cups of coffee while buying your shitty Armani cologne. But for realtalk, this is the best smelling variant and doesn’t forgo the other aspects, the coffee works hand in hand with the baker’s chocolate, sticky brownie batter, and maintains that clean lager waft to it without any meddling esters in the mix.

Winrar: Coffee, easy game next question.

Give this to your trifling friends, watch their faces when you tell them it is a lager, post your stupid findings in a forum condescending on them in a passive aggressive way you pussy.

Taste

Barrel Aged Sweetits:
This has an amazing clean crispness that belies the expectations of some stouty mess running along your jawline. It opens with a cocoa aspect, some 85% cacao you impulse buy at Trader Joes, nice 4 Roses sort of sweetness in the finish that screams mallow and werther’s original with a light pat of coconut on the ass. Just fantastic.

Vanilla Facial:
This again just pushes all of the other aspects out of the spotlight and the base beer could not even beer barrel aged since the sticky cake batter just drops hot loads on everyone’s chest. It is just too much, too sweet, almost reminds me of a sticky oiliness in execution. Let me say all this with the qualifier that it is STILL BETTER than almost every BA porter that I have had, but these three just wreck buttholes in tandem so it’s hard to be forgiving.

Coffee Groping:
This has some of the same issues as vanilla, what with it pushing the espresso harder than a 7th grade weed dealer, pumping a hipster agenda. But god damn, you willingly comply because the product it is moving is so good. The beans and coffee merge with the seamless chocolate fondant wateriness of the base beer and it is a perfect fusion of RomCom and softcore coffee porn. You know the type.

WinRar: Gotta give it to Barrel Aged on this one.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter which variant you pick, someone is getting fucking destroyed.

Moutherfeelings:

Again, all of these have the similar base of a swift brown water rafting trip (i.e. in Jalisco.) The toasted malts don’t hang around too long and the chocolate, almond, whipped mocha aspects all embrace the barrel lovingly. The coffee is a bit drier than the other two, but it makes you thirstier for something that is already exceptionally drinkable. The vanilla is a bit more sticky and if you shop at Lane Bryant, you could probably drink this while everyone else is at prom/getting hand jobs and you can smile in the mirror with your sweet khaki stained teeth and tell yourself that you have a good personality. But ultimately, the sticky sheeting and cling to the vanilla gets old fast, like that pesky 10th grader who wont stop texting you after you said you loved her. Fucking clingy.

Winrar: Coffee.

Drinkability:

It is tough to break these buys apart in this aspect because I could crush these like homeless people crush cans at a recycling center: all day and while covered in filth. The variants are a bit less drinkable overall because of stylistic hurdles, but they are still damn near session beers and drink like Edmund Fitzgerald that leads to DUI-city at 10% abv. Even the most closed vagina would embrace that clamshell hug for how drinkable these old chestnuts are.

Winrar: Barrel Aged version.

Overall winner, bossing your palate the fuck around, telling you what’s what:

The Coffee version pounded size 1 hipster men in their skinny livers, have them all redfaced talking about some shitty half finished memoire that they are finishing, the great american coming of age lager that most people with defined lats will trashcan and enjoy.

The coffee is amazing, so it wins.

NARRATIVE:

If you think I am typing a narrative for you ungrateful loftdwellers after laying down a solid 1200 words, you can push your testicles into your butthole.

I bet it does.

Central Waters Fifteen, Because Sometimes that 14 month barrel aging just isn’t enough, you need older.

March 22, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Some of you may remember way back in the day when I slayed Fourteen14fouRteeeen and may be wondering “why the fuck even bother? Isn’t this just the same beer aged in barrels for a little bit longer?” And yes, you would be correct in that picayune, but here at DDB we have a completionist mentality. If there is some tan wale out there making wavez, I am going to slay it even if it only slightly rocks my boat. This was a 1800 bottle release, but people be acting like this is some Hill Farmstead 180 bottle release.

If you ever want to land a midwest wale, just use this simple formula:

Take your current beer, multiply the bottle count by 10, cut the cost in half, and pretend you bought it at a BevMo. You now will be in the correct mindstate to trade with someone from Illinois.

For example, you want this 1800 bottle, 15$ banger?

Hill Farmstead Norma would be a 7500 bottle release, $10, available off the shelf, so you better add something to land this midwest wale.

About to John 3:16 the fuck out of a midwest hypemachine.

Enough pontificating about hypothetical shit, let’s see if this is worth the hype.

Just laying there all flaccid not giving a shit, no foam or sticky lacing.

Central Waters Brewing Company
Wisconsin, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 11.00% ABV

A: This looks basically the same at 1414, I mean, you aren’t taking this beer out to a sea food dinner. It is all murky and exhibits that classic Central Waters “why the fuck is this so thin” sort of ambivalence that you have come to expect from their BB Stout and BB Barleywine, so why should their anniversary beer be any different? This looks a lot like Parabola, if Parabola had a defective cap and let the carb out and had way less residual coating to it. You know, just shittier really.

Barrels make most beers better so more time makes good beers better unless it is this beer, hmmm. Paradox detected.

S: This comes out swinging with a bourbon haymaker that almost dominates all other aspects of this beer. It has that sticky sweet caramel sort of vanilla overload in its presentation that some older vintages of Four Roses seem to exhibit and this beer is all barrel. I don’t say that in the Kuhnhenn way, I mean that the base beer is so thin that it is like when Persian people put huge ass ionic/doric/neoclassical columns in front of their tiny houses and the complete lack of balance is evident. This also has a melted tootsie roll, milk chocolate, whoppers, and movie candy sort of backend to it that is really pleasant, yet toes the line of the beetus that Dark Lord loves to serve up. Note, this beer is worlds better than DERK LERD so don’t get it twisted.

After all the hype, tasted this beer and my face be all like

T: This is so heavy on the barrel that you wonder what the base beer even tasted like at this point. It goes heat, caramel, marshmallow, cadburry creme egg, chocolate, rolo, sixlet, and finishes with a huge blast of Buffalo Trace sort of candy dryness to it. Again, the lack of balance just kinda makes you long for a Parabola, since they seem so comparable in theory. This would be right in the world class leagues with that accessible ass Parabola, if not for its lack of char, roast, tobacco, or complexity beyond cocoa sweetness and straight up bourbon. This is still a great beer, but a huge caveat is warranted before I go getting people all throbbing at the shaft to trade for this.

M: This is exceedingly thin and perhaps the lengthy barrel treatment mellowed out some of the residual sugars or the complexity. The sheeting is minimal and thankfully, the heat from the bourbon is not as hot as the flavor profile, otherwise you would have some crazy Chevy Nova II with a big ass engine and no stability to balance this beast out. There was a stickiness on the backend like you ate a shitload of Hershey’s bars, but again it wasn’t a diabetic bomb in sum.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable in the way that the Pacers are exceedingly watchable, but you dont exactly fall in love with either. If this were more accessible, I would probably give it high marks for the ambitious barrel time and bourbon forward character, but this elusive beast is like the opposite of the Foothill Brewing “4 months in a barrel” philosophy and suffers as a result. I think in this instance the time in the barrel hardened this stout into a straight lifer, spending time in the SHU, shanking other stouts in the shower. Shit like that. If Foothill and Central Waters did a collabo, shit would turn out JUUUUUSTTT RIGHT, straight Goldilocks style.

Put a beer in a barrel for long and it gets worse? Pic related.

Put a beer in a barrel for longer and it gets worse? Pic related.

Narrative: I was going to put together a narrative about a guy who took too long to graduate from undergrad and parallel it to his inability to function in society, i.e. referencing barrel time and shit, but oh well, here is a list of my favorite things beer nerds say on forums, feel free to add your own in the comments section of my webzone:

“It isn’t the bottle count, it’s how many traders bought it that creates the value, that being said, can I interest you in a BA Abraxas?”

“Yeah, b1 was better, i feel like at release this beer had fallen off”

“GREAT TRADER ALERT< Hopmolester69 sent me all the agreed upon beers AND SOME EXTRAS!"

"hey guize, let's compare this hoppy red ale and this borderline triple IPA, WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE MORE THOUGH?"

"Lol I don't even need Citra when I can just buy Lagunitas Maximus off the shelf! You traders are suckers!"

"This King Henry has notes of chocolate, char, roast, tobacco, and leather. I don't drink barleywines but I am confident that this is a perfect example of an english barleywine."

"WHAT WAS THE BEER THAT STARTED YOUR LOVE FOR CRAFT BEER? also how do i use the search function?"

"This waiter/server/bartender did not even know the alkaline properties of the water profile of a beer they were serving HAS ANYONE ELSE ENCOUNTERED REALLY IGNORANT SERVICE WHILE ORDERING A BEER????"

"I know this beer was sent to 13 states and had a 13,000 bottle count, but my section 8 liquor store only got 2 cases, SO IT IS RARE TO ME! ISO: Ann"

"Anyone had this 2 year old coffee stout, CBS, IT IS DRINKING AMAZING RIGHT NOW, coffee and bourbon are finally gone!"

Perennial Abraxas SHOOTOUT: REGULAR versus BARREL AGED, My Body Is Ready

March 20, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

Ever since this god damned barrel aged Abraxas came out, beer nerds have not shut the fuck up about this beer. It was released in the midwest, which made shit even worse because it is not NASCAR season and people living in the freezing cold dont have shit else to do but wonder what those size 11 women look like under those North Face jackets. So today let’s just economize a bit: no narrative, no bullshit, just direct and to the point, WHICH ABRAXAS IS BEST? Someone from Florida will probably chime in with a tired ass joke like “HUNA IS THE BEST ABRAXAS!1!!” and we all nod and he sits back in his desk and goes back to learning his times tables and shit.

Let’s get this stupid ass review over with already.

REGULAR ASS VERSION:
Perennial Artisan Ales
Missouri, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 10.00% ABV

BALLER ASS 564 BOTTLE RELEASE INSTAWHALE GIMMIE ALL YOUR CHURCHILLS VERSION:
Perennial Artisan Ales
Missouri, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 11.00% ABV

Technically only 500 bottles were really released since one dude went and scooped up like 80 bottles, but, we all know about that story. I will leave the rest to conjecture/autoeroticism.

Regular on the left, BA on the right, zero fucks given in the middle.

Appearance:

I am not even doing this, they look almost exactly the fucking same. Seriously. It is like when people ask about the look of Goose Island Rare versus BCBS, I want to be like, are you fucking kidding? Ok for some reason, barrel aged version has a little bit more carbonation, but we are talking minimal amounts to begin with. This beer isn’t winning any beauty contests on either front. It is flaccid, lays there all dark and calculating. If you did a cuvee of Abyss and Huna you’d get the idea. Dark ass mocha foam, looking all like a coffee drink you drop $4.75 on. The sheeting is massive and if you are a wine asshole, “THE LEGS ON BOTH ARE SPLENDID!”

ALL MY TRADING PARTNERS ARE DEAD.

Smell:

Regular Ass: This is kinda vegetal, deep roast, some kinda bell pepper and ancho thing going on with no cinnamon to speak of, or really any spices up in that moshpit of roast and char. Go dice up some onion and toss it into a Surly Darkness, boom, you have smelled regular Abraxas. Perfect beer to drink at a Quincinera.

Baller tits: This is like a bowl of fucking Cinnamon Toast Crunch, it is sweet with no real peppers going on, no real bourbon going on either. It smells like what I imagine that Bimbo factory smells like, you know that place that makes all the treats that our migrant workers eat? That place. It is sugar and cinnamon and there should be a cartoon Frog on the front of the bottle talking about whole grains. It is straight up cereal beer. Cut up some rails of State Fair churros and snort those bitches, you just smelled Baller Tits Abraxas.

Taste:

Pedestrian Ass: This carries that roast in a serious way and gives a deep char with some drying smoked malts, bakers chocolate, faint hints of clove in the middle and it finishes with this vegetable/pepper/mole sauce sort of thing that is interesting, but not especially inviting. I mean, most escorts can probably tell some crazy stories about trips to the clinic, but you dont want to spend more than an hour with them.

Rainmaker Version: Again, this is like a completely different beer. This is not like the Baldwins where one is kinda good and the other is totally shitty, it’s like Ron Howard and his weird ass brother, you can’t even believe these two beers are related. There is no real bourbon presence on this beer, but the cinnamon and sweet brown sugar comes raging in, there is a crackle to the spices and maybe that is the peppers in the subterfuge, it is hard to say. If you like Horchata and use a prepaid cell phone, you will probably like drinking this. The perfect beer to drink while standing in line for your EBT benefits.

Just sit in waiting, be patient, they will make more, if people have sense next year’s release will not be like this. PATIENCE MY PREDATORS.

Mouthfeelings:

Approachable Version: This is a pretty standard affair with the exception of a tingly heat on the backend from the peppers that gives the beer a sort of deadening sensation to the gumline and bottom lip, but nothing too insane across the board. This beer seriously reminds me of a Darkness variant, like if they gave it a spoiler or packed in some breadsticks to jazz it up. Ultimately, this is nothing too earth shattering and I would not trade for this again, not as long as Parabola is sitting on a shelf for way less urethra stretching.

Juicy J version: The mouthfeel has none of that peppery complexity and just keeps it hard in the paint with cinnabon stickiness, girl from the mall kiosk be peeping on your palate and your khaki stained teeth, wanting to flatiron your hair. There is no alcoholic heat on this, but there’s also no bourbon either. Maybe they adhere to the Foothill Brewing school of barrel aging where 16 weeks is PLENTY of time for that beer to get those complex nuances. At any rate, it made the cinnamon more pronounced. Some assholes will probably come in here like “THAT WAS THE VANILLA AND OAK INTEGRATION THAT MADE THE CINNAMON POSSIBLE-” or some shit, don’t care, it tastes like a bear claw. Fucking donut beer, Rogue eat your buttholes out.

Overall/Drinkability:

EBT Version: This is certainly more drinkable than the cinnamon monster, but at what cost? SimCity is a more “playable” game than Assassin’s Creed 3, but spending 8 hours of my life doing menial shit isn’t exactly a mark of greatness. Sure I could drink more of the regular version, but the BA version is interesting for the limited time I would want to have it. Crazy Parking Lot Sex versus Latter Day Saint Stability. Which do you want out of your bell pepper beer?

Gucci Mane Stacks: This version is heavier, stickier, has this inertia of spices and Big Red gum, and is overall not as approachable but if I had to take a pour of either, I would go for the BA version simply because I would be able to remember it more, point it out in a lineup, tell the jury where on the doll that it touched me. That sorta shit.

WINRAR: Barrel Aged Version is the overall winner.

You look at these bottles and think you are on some epic Golem shit, then you realize it was just steam the midwest blew into your lower colon

You know who the overall losers are? The people giving up shit like Norma, Churchills Finest Hour, and Nooner for bottles of BA Abraxas. If you have had Mexican Cake or Huna, you seriously don’t need to chase this one down, and def. dont give up any Loonz for it. It is my suspicion that the people who OMG FUCKING LOVED THIS BEEER!!1!! are the ones who had a 2oz pour while standing in line, checking into Untappd, or some other shit. If you sit down and drink a solid 10+oz of this beer, you will not want more. I LIVED THROUGH THIS.

dontdrinkbeer

Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

Category Archives: stouts