@alchemistbeer Focal Banger: Better than Heady. I know this will rustle people with Certified BJ palates.

November 6, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Whoa, whoa, let’s put the pitchforks down and extinguish those torches. BOTH BEERS ARE WORLD CLASS. Focal Banger just goes hard and crushes it out of the park in a totally different and admittedly superior manner almost across the board. Let’s start oiling those cones and get back to them entry level hoppy palate roots in today’s roots.

Gemini, Focal’s Majesty

Focal Banger
The Alchemist
Vermont, United States
Style | ABV
American IPA | 7.00% ABV

WE DOING HOPPY BEER REVIEWS WITH A FULL NARRATIVE TOO, can you Digglett?

A: This has that same turbid, milky, Sunny D meets Tampico sort of radiance that the Cicerone schools gnash their teeth over: SUCH A LACK OF CLARITY. This was to be expected, as the farmhouse game is pervasive and not everyone subscribes to the crystal clear SRM of generations past. That’s chill. The carb is ample but doesn’t get in the way with excessive head or entendres connected thereto. It reminds me of how HF Double Galaxy Looks, except this shit only gots one galaxy, NEED TO UP THAT GALAXY COUNT SON.

S: This is an earth shattering limit break of olfactory delights, I am left mashing X to execute an ever expanding combo. There is of course the Citra aspects of tangerine and grapefruit zest, sure like you didn’t expect that, but HOLD UP, there is also a sort of Honeydew and a crisp watery melon profile that starts chopping up alpha rails real quick on a jewel case. This is overwhelming in scope and capacity but also adds depth to the old Bells’ hop overload formula. Balanced and excessive concurrently, a work of staggering brilliance.

You don’t always need to be massive to put in work. Str8 swole. Mad hoppy striations

T: The taste is intensely bright and nimble in a way that heady feels yeasty and sluggish by contrast. If Horny Tubbler is the Tank, this is a nimble rogue casting hoppy DPS all over the place. There is lemon cirtus, peach, apricot, a watery panache that buttresses and fires shots like Ocelot Revolver right into your bittering zones on the swallow. The intense citrus closes a touch minty and herbal with a bittering juniper mixing with the pithy juiciness. I can’t eke out punchlines when beers are this phenomenal, DDB just turns into one of those basic ticker 50 hits a day fan service pages. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

M: This is more thin and malleable than Heady by a long shot and feels dynamic as a result, closer to Pupil or Nelson really, and those are exceptional ranks to shoulder. It sallies delicately from zone to zone on your palate and cascades crisp like an Anjou pear upon the swallow, like Deadpool backflipping and laying a trail of explosive citrus clusterbombs. UR MOUTH JUST GOT DOMED UP BY DEADPOOL.

pictured above: basic tickers become cicerones overnight after discovering hops

D: When asked how Michaelangelo created David, he replied “I looked at the marble and removed material until only David remained.” This does the same thing, except it strips down all the extraneous flabby water profiles, the excessive yeasty profiles, the overload od dry hopping, the needless crystal malt, excised honey and all the other bullshit and stripped this down like a roll-caged MR2 ready for the track. It is phenomenal without qualification and you are doing yourself a great disservice by skipping this one, even if it means dealing with rapacious Vermont traders who want Chez $4$ with cans of this, or whateverthefuck.

Narrative: Alfred Hopsdam clutched the radiant emerald amulet with trepidation as the train approached the platform, wisps of steam filling the air with wafts from the local orchards in the swing of harvest season. “Waterb…Waterburry…” Alfred stammered as he presented his entry forms to the elite Alpha Work Academy. The conductor glanced hurriedly at his pocketwatch and nodded, motioning for Alfred to pick up his forest green equipage and enter the cabin. The air inside of the Academy tram reeked of dabber oils, Jamba Juice smoothies, and herbal apertifs being decadently enjoyed by the senior members of the Hop Warriors Guild. One corpulent ranking official dropped his substantial mass onto the bench beside Alfred, “NAMES HOPSLAM, January class, BEEN AROUND HERE FOREVER, sayyyyy, you lookin a lil too thin to ride with us, you sure you on the right train bud? HAR HAR HAR!” His foul honey laden breath belied his true nature, sticky and coniferous. Alfred shook his head and gripped the amulet tightly and felt the clicking of the wheels onto adjoining rails as he watched the apricot trees buzz by with increasing celerity, he thought “they will see soon enough, I will show them all.”

PROTIP: Not everything needs to be barrel aged for you to give a fuck.

@voodoobrewery Tenacious Wee aged in Eagle Rare Barrels, This is not the greatest beer in the world; this is just a tribute

October 24, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

FILL THE CREVASSE.

COULDN’T REMEMBER THE RECIPE TO THE GREATEST BEER IN THE WORLD: this is just a tribute.

But in all honesty this beer is pretty tasty, you don’t always have to fuck people’s palates hard sometimes you have to make some love and give tickers some smooches too. Whenever someone offers me a regular scotch ale I am usually like “hey if I wanted the taste of pennies, stale alcohol and blood, I will just go work at the recycling center.” Somehow, through the magic of oak and time, barrel aging scotch ales makes them actually drinkable. However, unlike barleywines or old ales, they don’t have that heft to their bodies so they run the risk of being over-oaked if you try to push the wood too deep, hitting that back wall.

This beer is a shining example of a BA scotch ale that damn near shoulders with the finest BA Barleywines in complexity and sheer deliciousness. The treatment imparted a fantastic coconut and macaroon aspect and, more importantly, served to tame the metallic and bittering notes attendant to the standard pedestrian scotch ale base. Sure, you can disagree and sip on wee heavies to your heart’s delight, but you probably have your name written on the inside of your underwear and I wouldn’t want to drink with your basic ass 1996 palate anyway.

This has a deep crimson and mahogany aspect to it with a fantastic carb that subsides without lacing or much pageantry. The nose is fantastic through and through, sweet carmelized raisins, brown sugar, a touch of oaky bitter notes, and finishes like Sugar Daddies and a mineral closer. The taste is clean and highly attenuated, not leaving a flabby inefficient grain bill or residual sugar to needlessly sweeten up this tight presentation. It is distinctively a scotch ale in this regard, whereas some people might complain that Ale Smith BA Wee Heavy toes too closely to the barleywine realm. Fuck those complainers, we are talking god tier BA Scotch ales here, give those jabronis some knuckle sandwiches. The taste is a bit more bitter and malt forward than the sweet nose would belie and it kinda reminds me a of a baby version of Kuhnhenn BBBW, if you ratchet evertying back a step, and then actually carbonated it- HEYOOOOO.

The mouthfeel begs for another sip and the fusel heat is imperceptible and integrated seamlessly like those SICK TRUE RELIGION JEANS WITH THE WHITE STITCHING OH FUCK. I killed this bottle unreasonably fast while sucking shit at Rocksmith, but who wants to play POLICE covers anyway? It is highly drinkable, complex, and should be enjoyed above 60 degrees to get all them Sherwin Williams color swaps on your palate.

I would tell you to go seek it out, but I am sure this was like 300 bottles or some shit, so who cares. If nothing else it is a testament to a barrel program that, if we overlook Gran Met and Buffalo Trace BBVD, is almost beyond reproach at this point.

In other Leatherhead related news, the 1989 action figure arrived WITHOUT THE FUCKING SHOTGUN THO
Brb gonna shotgun some Voodoo instead.

Upland Brewing Company Announces Bold New “Expectation Society”

October 17, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Associated Press
Indianapolis, Indiana

Upland Brewing Company is no stranger to delivering consumers exactly what they want. From their celebrated diverse sour program replete with authentic lambics, nuanced fruited wilds, and universally celebrated Russian Imperial stout program: these Indiana brewers know how to satisfy the most demanding beer palate. Their new Secret Barrel Society is no exception:

http://uplandbeer.com/2015-secret-barrel-society-memberships/

Expectation Society also includes brick and mortar location to pick up purchased beers, for no extra charge.

Expectation Society also included brick and mortar location to pick up beers at, for no extra charge.

In an unprecedented move, early last week Upland announced a bold new secret society, only clandestinely made available to public on a website via press release. “Upland was formed by a glacier, that’s always been our motto, but we don’t intend on moving at a glacier’s pace, probably much faster even,” noted President Douglas Dayhoff after consulting an excel spreadsheet, “our sour program is definitely faster than a glacier.” We were allowed to tour the spacious Indianapolis facility where Dayhoff explained the innovative new program. “Everywhere in Indiana you hear people expecting things, in our brewpub you hear things like ‘I hope local home prices don’t continue to fall’ and ‘God I pray these Pacers get their shit together this year’ and that means one thing: Upland customers love expecting things,” Dayhoff noted as he slipped on a neoprene hazmat suit to enter the brushed aluminum Sour Containment Room, “you’re gonna wanna put the goggles on, the beer will burn your eyes even through the barrels.”

While surveying the intensely acidic potations slowly eating through the oak vessels, Dayhoff explained why hope was such a critical part of Upland’s business model, “we didn’t want to be like all those other breweries that accept upwards of $300 and then just give the consumer beer in return. Where’s the hope in that? Where is the romance? Sounds more like a transaction to me, and that simply is not the Upland way.” Upland’s business model has long been predicated on carnival games, raffles and parlor tricks. “We initially loved the idea of raffling off every beer needlessly, but then we started exploring retail models like throwing a ping pong ball into a fishbowl, knocking over Upland bottles with a softball, things of that nature, but they didn’t prove stable enough for a true reservation society.” Shortly after the polyurethane gloves began to bubble after handling some of Upland’s young lambic, we were led to the marketing strategy room. “What we ultimately decided to sell to the consumer, at the very fair price of $250.00, was the right to hope to be able to pay for a beer at a later date.”

Upland brewers hard at work crafting that authentic Pajontenland lambiek

The bold new strategy left many market analysts dumbfounded and perplexed that they had not thought of monetizing expectation based transactions earlier. “Now instead of entering a lottery or guessing the number of marbles in a jar to earn the right to buy an Upland beer, we cut that right out with a $250.00 membership which then allows you to give us money. It is exceedingly innovative and the perfect way to distribute our iconic ph2.0 libations to the public,” Dayhoff noted as he administered alkaline tablets to brewer, Pete Batule, as he lay on a cot with occupational GERD.

To ensure that the Upland consumer got the maximum amount of expectation per Expectation Society membership, they have guaranteed the right to pay for AT LEAST 100 Upland sour bottles with each membership. “It really wouldn’t surprise me if some people bought multiple memberships to ensure the right to pay Upland as much money as possible, Indiana residents are no dummies and love paying for the right to expect things,” Dayhoff nodded confidently while monitoring bright red litmus strips. “One red-faced patron Bloomington patron even asked me at our pub, ‘at least tell me I can come here to pick up the beers, please dont ship them, my home life is so sad I-‘ and I couldn’t help but feel for him, so every member will not be inconvenienced with having them shipped within the state to their doorstep, unlike some OTHER barrel programs.”

Nearing the end of the tour Dayhoff directed us to the gift shop and looked lovingly over the shelves of Upland branded merchandise, “this stuff practically sells itself I tell ya. Well I mean, it kinda does when we force the consumer to take it with their $250.00 membership, I mean look at this glass! That’s gotta be worth something right?” Dayhoff quipped and stared at the goblet for an uncomfortably long period of silence, brow furrowed.

“I will prolly buy a couple memberships for tradebait,” noted local resident, Daniel Rosenbalm

“One ex-employee noted that ‘Hey maybe actually sell the consumer some beer for upwards of three benjamins, I mean Upland is a brewery, right?’ and I mean, he was subsequently terminated for poor performance, but it got us to thinking. So in addition to the mountains of literally imaginary benefits already conferred, I also put this spicy little rider into the Expectation Society: ‘Other awesome events and benefits we decide to add on, spuriously and with adequately questionable notice, throughout the year for members.’ So if the first deluge of expectation and hope wasn’t enough, HANG ON COLTS FANS, a full year of mysterious hope COMPLETE WITH YOUR MEMBERSHIP!” Dayhoff noted walking around the parking lot, taking in the majesty of the local flora and fauna.

At the conclusion of the interview one employee slid a piece of paper into our hands which noted:

“http://uplandbeer.com/about/secret-barrel-society/ ….. shhhhh”

and insisted that the society was of the utmost secrecy.

We will continue to update the consumer as more expectations become available.

DARK HORSE NATION: FINALLY the mash-tun cleaning antics TV viewers have been demanding all these years

July 23, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

In case you haven’t heard yet, them old bearded boys of Marshall, Michigan went and done acquired themselves a television show, on the history channel no less. That’s right, for both of you at home who couldn’t get enough of BREWDAWGZ and BREWMASTERS, comes DARK HORSE NATION, a thrilling new TV series chronicling the lives of Michigan brewers attempting to address the stark solipisms of the human condition by running water through crunched up grains. TRULY COMPELLING.

In the fourth episode, VALENTINES HORSE, one of the bearded boys needs to woo a female companion out of her Lane Bryant jumper

You may be asking, “what in the fuck does this have to do with history?” Well technically any event recorded in a static medium is HISTORY, so even minutia connected to making SOUR THREE GUYS OFF THE SCALE, is technically historically relevant because it happened in the not-future. Listen, I am no Don Draper, so I will let History Channel give you their spin on this pile of spent grain:

“”In small town Marshall, Michigan, there is a group of life-long friends living out their visions of the American dream. Led by rebel entrepreneur and fearless visionary, Aaron Morse, Dark Horse is a thriving business set amongst a rural paradise. Morse and his team have been making a name for themselves since 1997, when Dark Horse started bottling their unique line of craft beers. Now distributed in 12 states, the Dark Horse crew is determined to turn their business into a household name. It’s diehard fan base even has its own nickname: Dark Horse Nation.”

“However, DARK HORSE NATION is not only about crafting great beer, it’s a way of life. Their recipe for success is as much about experimentation and trouble-shooting as it is self-taught skill and determination. Every week, there’s some new project, from creating outlandish inventions to building additions to their ever-growing compound. Around here, everything is done by hand, the old-fashioned way, or as they like to put, ‘The Dark Horse Way.'”

So TL;DR the first paragraph is essentially an advertisement for Dark Horse. That’s fine, I guess. The second paragraph delves into existential territory and shows you the raw pathos of the show, THE DARK HORSE WAY OF LIFE. This tao of pouring sacks of two row melded with the Vedas of pitching buckets of yeast underpins the SOUL OF THEIR EVER GROWING COMPOUND. At a certain point, when your size 40 husky jeans chafe from the Michigan sun, you reach that third stage of Kierkegaardian development: THE DARKHORSE WAY.

This is how I feel when I get requests from people to talk about fucking BREWDOGZ or whatever show DFH Sam is pandering at the moment.

But seriously, what in the fuck is this show actually about? Surely they can’t fill up seven episodes with dipshits wearing North Face jackets arguing about the Lions, OR CAN THEY. Here is my episode breakdown of predictable and tired pseudo-reality plot points:

Episode 1 “MEET THEM HORSES” in this episode we meet four dudes with beards and watch them race against interspliced shots of a clock for some reason, and then we get a B plotline where two husky keg washers have a dispute about who sprayed muds on whose S10.

Episode 2 “TRAVELING HORSES” in this episode two bearded dudes pile into a Tacoma and look for like vanilla, or razzleberry or some shit for an upcoming beer. It really isn’t that important but expect minor chords played over a dude looking winsomely at a barrel like “MAN IF THEY DONT GET THEM BURRIES IN TIME WE ARE FIXIN FOR A REAL SITCH!” Also, we meet a female support character who is probably latently degrading.

Episode 3 “EXPANDING THAT HORSE” in this pivotal TWO PART episode we explore the finer points of basic construction, putting brite tanks in place, and some bullshit ticking clock about how CROOKED TREE NEEDS TO START BREWIN OTHERWISE THE MICHIGAN CHOPPER SOCIETY WONT HAVE ANY KEGS. Also Danzig might show up for some reason.

When they cut to commercial, expect some PAWN STARS bullshit facts like “Dark Horse Brewing is located at 511 S. Kalamazoo Ave., just south of downtown Marshall. The location was formerly Wacky Willy’s party store, owned and named after Bill Morse.” The types of facts you can bring up in case you need to avoid ever feeling a vagina.

the episode “Bring your illegitimate child to the brewery” was nominated for several emmays

Let’s be honest, I am just butthurt that CONDOLAMBIC: the Future Rustic Adventure, was not greenlighted. Just a dude trying to decide what type of DME to use, going to Ralph’s for frozen burritos and then siphoning HOA poolwater before the manager finds out. At one point, the crew has to sit and wait while a Daredorm episode is assiduously selected. Moving television.

New vedeo revue: Hot Coffee KIBBIS, Ghost Scoprion FUSSEL NOTES.

April 21, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

so many kibbis notes, today we are learn about coffe bers. most aren’t fussel enough, to increase the heat units you need ot unblock the malts.

today we use the toyota solera method to make more hotter beers. using a soler vessel.

WHAT IS THE GODDAMN DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOMB AND BIBLE BELT: An inquiry into synthetic knowledge

April 18, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

I have gotten this question a few times and figured since I finally stopped fucking around and ticked Bible Belt, I would address this once and for all.

First and foremost, this is Bomb! (mandatory exclamation point, like P!nk)

HANDS UP IF YOU LIKE ADJUNCT STOUTS WE ROLLIN DEEP IN THAT VIP

This set the world on fire last year and was touted as being an “off-shelf Huna” which is largely true, because Huna should have been off-shelf in the first place. That’s like saying “Holy shit I got laid at a Gundam convention and didn’t even have to pay for it.” If you are dropping 12,000+ bottles, put that shit in distro already, stop torturing the latently racist Floridian populace. Alas I digress.

Whichever one you choose you are going in deep on that 13% adjunct swerve

So this is an adjunct heavy imperial/chili stout with coffee, cocoa nib, vanilla bean and chili. I know what you are thinking “where the fuck is the coconut?” well you can’t get every adjunct in one stout, them’s the rules. So I already noted that this beer is awesome and better than Huna in my full review this was well-tread ground. They ended up making batch after batch of this, showing that Cgiar City has been twisting some cocks for quite some time now.

BUT THEN EVIL TWIN COMES ALONG.

Evil Twin is a band of vagrant European pikers who squat in established breweries and turn out fantastic/overpriced/sometimes shitty beers. Jeppe balls the fuck out, opened a bottleshop, brewed, and was discovered by Brian from 12% Imports. The owner, Brian, was like “Hey Jeppe, what’s ur fukn dream?”

Jeppe was like “I think my dream is endless actually.”

Then the dudes at Prairie were like “hey we already have this wildly successful stout from last year, wanna take your base beer and basically rebrew it with a different label?”

and Jeppe was like “I am definitely one of the most adventurous people that I know.” [FN1 – http://craftbeercoach.com/brewery-biography-jeppe-jarnit-bjergso-of-evil-twin-brewing/%5D

Chase was like “that’s chill as fuck, grab that mash paddle, Captain Adventure.”

So essentially, Jeppe is not a “brewer” per se, he is an intellectual property generator, a recipe creator, a flavor alchemist, a Danish twin who will grind your palate like a fresh sybian on the highest setting.

If you skull a few of these, you will probably end up in deep shit

So what the fuck is Bible Belt then?

A RADICAL DEPARTURE FROM A PRE-EXISTING BEER

So the base beer is different, but with a similar abv, and similar adjuncts cacoa nibs, chilies, vanilla, and chocolate. So one has coffee another has chocolate, “WHICH WON IS FUKN BETTER THO DDB?”

Even More Jesus has a slightly thicker consistency, coats a bit better, and ratchets the chilis back. Bomb is more akin to Huna where the adjuncts seem to be on full display with chilis and the coffee notes taking top billing. I prefer Bible Belt, but again this is like preferring a Camaro to a Challenger, it’s the same full throttle balls to the wall imperialism you are expecting, just with minor nuances. I wish I had more to say about this but that’s the long and the short of it. Maybe when I get my online Certified Beer Server certification I will have more adjectives for you.

The short answer: they are pretty fucking similar. That is to say, two amazing offshelf beers that are quickly becoming the Dogecoin of the beer trading world. “BA Derk Lerd? That will be 8 bottles of Bible Belt/Bomb.”

Seek them both out, or wait until Huna hits distro next year and give up 2x$4$ brewery-only releases to Tampa traders. Either way.

@Tiredhandsbeer So It Goes, For Those Times When You are Firebombing Dresden and Get Thirsty

April 16, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Ok, you have read Slaughterhouse Five. We get it. Shit, you may have also read Breakfast of Champions, hell you probably will email me with some Bukowski references just in case. I get it, you like post-modernist literature, random DDB fan. Let’s couch that and talk about TIRED HANDSESES FIRST WILD ALE. Some haters will likely chime in with “they have made wild ales all along, they just chose to call them farmhouse ales.” A monocle-polishing dipshit like that probably does great with the ladies.

Anyway, let’s take a look at this Flandersy wild ale before we become unstuck in time. OK LAST VONNEGUT REFERENCE I SWEAR.

DOES ANYONE NOTICE THAT MY NEW CAMERA TAKES LESS SHITTY PHOTOS? God, there’s no impressing you assholes unless I take things to Adam Jackson/Sean Van Taggen lightbox levels.
You simply aren’t worth it.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Style | ABV
Flanders Red Ale | 9.00% ABV

510 bottle release, 2 per person, people have gotten shanked for less. Ardmore Pennsylvania putting work in the streets, that PANDEMIC, yellowtops.

A: This looks like a straight up flanders red that got a lil tan, maybe did a 15 minute bed when the hot chick told her to only do a 11 minute bed. You don’t get that ruby red, not the Ring Pop sort of affair that you might have gotten all swole, and it almost starts toeing towards the Oud Bruin benchmarks with the old SRM. I know just mentioning OUD BRUIN makes some people’s buttholes pucker so we will move on. The carb is substantial and looks great, frothy cherry mocha whip, sitting on top of a dark burnt brick red medium. The whole affair feels more “substantial” than those bitch ass Rodenbachs you sip after your Zumba class. Sick vascularity, full range of motion.

this is bit bigger, thicker, redder, and more powerful than you expect, but the result is pretty cutty.

S: This toes the old Flanders line and drops you somewhere in between a vintage Rodenbach (like the 2007 cellar reserve) and Caracterie Rouge. To clarify, you get a substantial acidicty and that borderline acetone/acetic that you would expect from the style, but it is lighter than the Oud Bruin side of things. There is the black cherry, marascino cherry, red chapstick, sucrets, some malty presence, and a tannic finish that reminds me of a big Napa cab. Again, this isn’t my favorite style but they are going hard in that cherry paint.

T: This takes the traditional flanders and jazzes it up with some hammer-on/pulloffs, bends, and slurs within the cherry/malt scales. Things feel more boisterous, the malt profile is ramped up and presents a sort of baked bread interplay with the cherry profile, the huge acidity mixes with the cherry cordial, the 1’s and 2’s are constantly cutting from dark cherries and bruised fruits and jumping back to balaton merlot beat drops. Tired Hands remixed the fuck out of your Duchess and you can’t even handle it. The closing taste is a bit too tart at cold temps and if you want those fruits to balance shit out, you need to let this open up. But once you let this warm up the abv starts peeking its head, so there’s a cost benefit analysis. You get some raspberry and pumpernickle bread, all laced with ornate acidity that never overstays its welcome, but chaperons throughout.

Them cherries will put you on that SubbyDoo swerve, other blogs start tucking they chains in

M: For the substantial malt profile you would expect this red wine monster to close with balance, but it remains pretty dry and thin due to the noteworthy acidity. I don’t want you to think this is some Upland Cherry sort of affair, but it isn’t exactly Cuvee de Tomme either, its a tart and puckering Flanders that underwent the Weapon X project in Canada but instead of adamantium in its bones, it was infused with powerful cherry acidity. WILL IT USE THESE POWERS FOR GOOD OR EVIL?

D: Given the dry profile, acidity, and lack of overwhelming fruit profile to reel things back in, I would say a 500ml is about right. I never tired of the beer, but I think a 750ml would be a touch ambitious for most people. If you like Griffin Bruxellois or some of the ultra tart Jackie O’s offerings in this same vein (Evelyn, things of that nature) then you will love this. If you approach this expecting a Tess D’Urbervilles walk through the garden with a flower tucked in your lapel, you will probably end up getting pounded like she did.

That face when you pop a legit wild ale and know hater tickers are gonna tell you about their Costco Duchess

Narrative: Detective Walter Janicsykowski had been working this beat for 13 years and had never seen anything like this. “Sir, it’s the same as the others, victim laid in a prostrate position, cherry juice on the hands and mouth, grenadine in and around the vaginal area,” forensic scientist Mark Walmsly noted, pointing to the woman’s wrists and ankles with an LED light, “you can expect to see more of these.” The Squeez-It killer had been ravaging the Ardmore populace during what was an unseasonably warm May. The cherries were ripening at an alarming pace and Walter took a deep pull of his Wild Cherry Slurpee while surveying the glossy black and white photos. He noted pits and stems arranged with care near each victim’s body, each cherry homicide executed with more intent than the less. It was a paradox in itself. A pitted sweet fruit, the subject of multiple serial murders. Somewhere in the streets, the killer was pouring himself a Shirley Temple and planning his next mark.

@anchoragebrew A Deal with the Devil Barleywine, Faustian Propositions; Flipping those boozy Alaska bricks

March 26, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

If you have been jumped in to the barleywine B-DUB crew, you know not to wear Airmaxes in the trap or a Chicago Bulls hoodie unless you wanna get laced up by some legit barleywine hitters. This is for the completely initiated. I know we joke around a lot about barleywines, upsets, and shelfwales around here. This is not to be fucked with. At first blush you might see that looming 17.3% abv and think you are hard, flexing your lats in the mirror remembering how you 1v1 wreked a bottle of Black Tuesday.

This is a whole different battle. Blood sweet and cognac running down your face. In Alaska the male population greatly outnumbers the female residents, this is how they cope: being blacked the fuck out 24/7. Let’s peep this icy beast in today’s review while we venture into the wild.

Seward’s folley.

Be cautious, that boozy is bigger than it appears. This beer gone shake it like a red nose.

Anchorage Brewing Company
Alaska, United States
Style | ABV
American Barleywine | 17.30% ABV

Notes/Commercial Description:
Barleywine style ale brewed with Galaxy Hops. A starting gravity of 37 Plato. Aged eleven months in Cognac barrels.

A: This pours syrupy thick and rolls out of the bottle in an incorrigible manner. You cannot agitate this beer, the bubbles barely escape from the depth and die immediately upon hitting the surface like they have some malty bends. The beer rocks in the glass like a medicinal coating, this murky brown Ohio river sort of tepid murkiness. The sheeting is hilarious and comes down in clear ropes like when you jack it too much in one day, aka that cinco al dia. This is a massive, offstyle monster that swings hard with an overpowered arm like the Tyrant in Resident Evil. It turns me into a Jill sandwich.

Picture above, traders posting ISOs for this beer.

S: Holy god, prepare for a walk to the edge and beyond. This takes the booziness of Xyauyu Gold to crazy new heights, or depths if you have a puckered butthole. This wafts fusel with a huge heat, coconut, almond, sherry, tawny port, caramel, cinnamon, and a massive dark fruit finish like overripe plums or blackberries you can crush in your fist. There’s light spice and oak, but again everything is dialed up to 11, no apologies are given and drinking this at 50 degrees was a hilarious act of futility, it was all oak and hops. Seriously just drink this at 65 and treat it like a liqueur, otherwise fuck it, you are wasting your $30 bottle. God knows what you paid to have something shipped to you from Alaska, better hope your wife doesn’t see that CC statement you irresponsible fuck.

T: This takes the insanity of the nose and renders it into a palpable malty madness. The viscosity is massive and leads with a fusel heat that strikes the gumline and imparts a warm toffee and cognac soaked peanut brittle front with surprising oaky hoppiness to balance things out. You know how in shitty movies when someone is getting bullied they get tossed around, straight getting rattled, that is how you palate feels keeping kicked from dude to dude just straight roughed up in a circle. It is hot but bitter, then soft and sweet and closes with an alcohol footing. This is less a barleywine and more in a class of those “ultra-ales” like Utopias, Xyauyu, Colossus, Five Squared, and the like. We drank this third in the blind BABW tasting and I laughed upon just smelling it, the intensity is so over the top you have a hard time taking it seriously like Crank 2, but it delivers on the nose and taste, if you have power leveled your palate, you will enjoy this sheer blunderbuss of malty glass and nails being sprayed across the deck of this Cognac man-of-war.

Weak tickers will make some comment about how their local barleywine is better, then secretly toss a beat sesh to this pics. That malty longing.

M: This leads syrupy thick, coating massively and heavier than most stouts of recent memory. It just goes overboard with the heat and if you take a large 2oz pull you might feel a tingle of a gag reflex, it is that wafty. But at room temp, just sip it and split this bitch 6 ways. You read that right, DDB is recommending giving this a straight up midwest treatment. Find your closest 10 friends with Untappd accounts and start popping those 5’s off. If you look at the reviews from other people who are pumping out thick loads of 5/5 100/100 all of their pours were like 3-4 ounces. Some American badass took down 5 oz, but any more than that is just too apeshit. No one puts on the entire Dragonforce Discography. That’s just too much face melting, it tires you out.

D: This is clearly not a marathon beer, hell, even powering through a full 8 ounce pour is baller status. I guess if you land a 150 case release from Alaska you should savor it. You could honestly cork this shit and come back to it a couple days later, this is indefatigable and you simply cannot oxidize this massive bitch. Trying to drill this feels like those last battles in Shadow of the Colossus where you are grinding for an hour just to take this bitch down. It is an undertaking that is fulfilling, albeit completely excessive and over the top. Invite your Yu Gi Oh friends over and get swerved.

Pour yourself a healthy portion and settle into whatever deviant ass activities that you have been meaning to get around to but couldn’t bring yourself to do sober.

Narrative: Keanu looked pensively at the floating parchment paper, fixing his eyes on the floor and the mangoat legs of his sinister host. “So let me get this straight, even though I can’t play bass, can’t act, can’t sing, I can have it all, just to give you my soul?” Keanu asked the lord of darkness and took a deep pull of vintage 50 year cognac and bit into a bite of creme brulee. “Yessss Keanuuu, you can have a band, you can call it Dogstar and it still will be successfffullll, even though you are completely without merit,” Bezelbub’s eyes ignited a crimson flame, showing frames from the Bill and Ted sequels, almost terrifying in scope and perspective. “Keanuuu you cannot do thisss without dark interventionnnn” Mephisto importuned with a flaming red plume pen and Keanu took it reluctantly. “Alright Satan, but you have to promise that I retain creative control over Speed 2,” Keanu asked and signed in blood on the bottom line while finishing his Do Si Do, crumbs falling on the unholy document.

Stone Brewing, Mikhail’s Odd, Bourbon Barrel Aged IRS with Ryan Bros Espresso, Giving BA Speedway a Run for its Beans

March 24, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Well it took years and years and years, but we finally have a legit Stone Barrel Aged IRS in a bottle: and both variants are fucking amazing. The abv is boosted, the mouthfeel is silkier, and they took all ratchet elements and made them more ratcheterer. Now I know you are reticent to believe old DDB after Friday’s palate bashing, but trust me on this one: California Coffee Stouts, this beer is ridiculous. I crossed my fingers, popped the most annoying cork in the world and prayed for no infection like those Planned Parenthood waiting room feels.

The Classic Fyodor tastes like a more aggressive version of my 2008 BA Stone IRS Review, which is to say it is fucking phenomenal.

Enough pandering, let’s get up in these guts and grind some of them beans.

Not only is this not infected, it is outrageously good in the platonic sense, good to the point of outrage at its existence. Them Forms.

Stone Brewing Company, Escondido
13.9% Abv (!)
38 ibus warrior hops in the boil, in the mash roasted barley and pale, amber and black malts, Ryan Bros coffee in the whirlpool

A: Just look at that bad bitch, this beer can pull a kickdoe and take the door like a malty black flashbang. The bottle is obnoxiously hard to open, the cork not only got stuck, but it broke under moderate force. At first I almost subbydeuced in my pants when I saw the substantial carb after being traumatized by the 2010 BA IRS debacle. There was no mistaking this shit though, shit looks viscous but not underattenuated, that Aristotelian Golden Mean in the Parabola and CW16 range, where you dont feel like a diabetic fuck (see: Huna) but you don’t feel like you are counting Weight Watchers Points (see: pre-2013 Eclipse/Czar Jack.) The mocha foam looks like a coffee drink prepared by one of those Suicide Girl looking baristas. Beer make you all nervous, you be buying cake pops and shit.

After dealing with missteps and knockoffs, Stone finally knocked it out of the park with its flagship offering.

S: God fucking damnit. Why does this have to be $20 a 500ml with a nose like that? This takes that BA Speedway model and ramps up the roast and acidity like cold brew batches from Stumptown, chocolate and kaffir lime leaf, roasted graham cracker, mallowfoam and milk chocolate. The s’more joke is lingering but the coffee dominates and prevents an overlying sweetness and adds to the balance.

T: The sharp abv lingers more a moment on the tongue but is a perfect compliment to the toasty acidity of the coffee. There is a drying twix/chocolate aspect that warms the bitter zones with a light hoppy touch and closes with that same espresso bean waft that was such a fucking deal in the base beer. Nothing changes here, this beer just took that Impreza base beer and amped shit up to that Subaru RS Rallycar levels. My natural comparison is Morning Delight as it comes across as more substantial than BA Speedway, and I am too pussy to lock down KBBS so I have to leave the imrpession as a coovee between those two. The barrel lingers along the gumline with an incredible vanilla that isn’t that Lipsmacker lip gloss/Coldstone Creamery shit, its like the tannic oaky vanilla you get from Angel’s Envy left at room temp.

Between the magnificent caramel and vanilla of the barrel lies a poised coffee maltness, ready to embrace you

M: This is lighter than the hefty Abyss and massive BT/Huna finishing gravity masters, but so much for the better. Honestly I am not surprised given the character of regular ass, delicious Stone IRS. The coffee and the barrel just lay in bed with you like an exotic Craigslist casual encounter and you have way more than you bargained for. This shocked the hell out of me given how completely shitty most of the QM series presentations are, let’s be realistic here. I am the furthest thing from a Stone fanboy and their saison game could not even be salvaged by Stillwater intervention; but this, this is some other worldly shit.

D: Here we are 650 words in and the bottle is almost gone, exceedingly crushable and the complete lack of the cloying sweetness on the closer is underscored in a helvetica font by the dryness of the bourbon barrel and coffee toastiness. Inevitably some poor dipshit will interject with “BCBW COFFEE COSTS LESS AND IS PROBABLY BETER.” In this instance yes, BCBCS is much more affordable, but it simply is not better as a vehicle for delivery of coffee and barrel character, because this beer is stripped down with them Sparco seats and coffee momo pedals. BCBCS is far more affordable but this beer is simply the better executed of the two. If you are a poor fuck without a Fedex account, tell yourself whatever gets you to sleep at night, I guess. The luxury is in its brashness, both beers are amazing and I love BCBCS, but this is a whole different game. Highly recommended.

This stout is more massive than it appears, take it in carefully.

Narrative: Mikhail Bulgakov rapped his state-issued fountain pen on the rich glaze on his imported poplar desk. The title sheet for his magnum opus, The Master and Margarita, lay unfinished and the onset of writers block lay across his limbs as he slumped into a supple lambskin loveseat. “It is not right, I need…something,” he remonstrated to himself as he rifled through his cabinets, seeking a generic bottle of rye whiskey issued by the local magistrate in gratitude for his recent work and gracious compliance with his stern ban. The silky sting of the rye made him long for a decadent malty treat, the kiss of a deep chocolate contraband, disallowed in the new Republic. “THAT IS IT, by God,” he feverishly sat at the compact Hammond 1B typewriter, fingers rapping out his masterpiece, urging aesthetic to the highest paradigm predicated on a single desire: to drink a fantastic stout free from governmental oppression. “Manuscripts don’t burn” in the same fashion that his desire for a creamy decadent libation burned in his heart. It would take decades to realize his dream, but the stark love of Russian Imperial Stouts and the dreams of free fermentation licenses powered the candid reality behind Margarita. The world was forever changed.

DUAL WHALE SHOOTOUT: New Belgium Twisted Spoke and 2009 C&C La Folie, Lats Flexing Hard on that AWA Shred

March 2, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

If you are a bottleshop baller, that truck chasing pimp who knows every collaboration New Belgium has ever done, an adjunct loving asshole who can decry the subtle nuances of the Peach Porch Lounger relative to the vastly inferior Brett Beer, maybe you should get the fuck out of here. This clearly is not for you. This is the deep subrectum of the New Belgium catalogue that most tickers dare not tread. This is that NB C&C Game, swag to the fullest. If I wasn’t such a punk pussy, maybe I could have landed Falling Rock and actually presented you with a legitimate whale review as originally planned. I guess we have TacosNBeer to thank for that one, as he backed out of a trade due to the fact that old Subbydoo was banned from BA. I suppose that is another exclamatory tale for another day.

Let’s get deep in these wild ale guts and hit that oaky back cervix.

Back lit, oversaturated photos with sickening aperture. That’s how I treat bottles that I hold onto for years.

New Belgium Brewing
Twisted Spoke:
Colorado, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 7.00% ABV

“65% Ale aged in a wood barrel, 14% ale with cherries added and ale, 21% ale brewed with Coriander and 100% Aged in apple flavored whiskey barrels.” The beer was hand-bottled August 26, 2010.”

La Folie, Caged and Corked 2009
New Belgium Brewing
Colorado, United States
Style | ABV
Flanders Oud Bruin | 6.00% ABV
“Flemish Sour Brown Ale fermented in stainless then transferred to barrels for 1-4 years of aging then blended to taste.”

Please note, I used the 2009 caged and corked version, not your Hi-V pasteurized start up kit shit. It was to my own detriment, as you will soon see.

A: The Twisted Spoke has held its carb beautifully and has a billowy frothy head that pops and snaps not unlike a baller ass rice cereal. The garnet underpinnings are beautiful and provide a Rodenbach nod of elegance and ruby meets jasper, the hem of regal oriental garments shimmering in crimson regalia. La Folie looks like shit. It lays there completely still like an unmotivated Craigslist encounter. It is darker than its pasteurized counterparts, a deep almost brownish purple that is uninviting and comes across like flat grape soda attempting to muster up a single fuck to give. It is a valuable portent of things to come.

“I reviewed La Folie on my beer blog and it got 95 hits” Pasteurized: beta as fuck. Step up your whalegame.

S: The smell of Twisted Spoke is phenomenal and doesnt approach a hint of oxy or age at this point. I was thinking right around 4 years, AWA hit their sexual peak and start to taper off to autoeroticism, NOT TWISTED SPOKE. I can see this holding up for another couple of years before reducing to vinegar strokes. There is a bright cherry, jazz apple, white grape, intense raspberry farmers market makeout sesh, brandy, port sherry oak like those mahogany rooms Nana used to work in. There is a touch of acetic red wine vinegar but it is in light of the foregoing and more a throwback to the flanders red style as a whole than an implicit flaw. Still bangable for sure. La Folie just can’t get its shit together. It is vinegar, just straight acetic flaws, the burn of salad dressing from Sizzler, tart acidity, some currants, the brown ale just waving its sloppy dark cock all on the sink. You get vintage nail polish remover and some Aquanet, which might give you a chub if you piped down hard in the 80s. Not me tho, this shit sucks.

T: The Twisted Spoke follows through with full completion of the olfactory elements. No ticktease here. It delivers a complex tartness, tannic cherry skin, a touch of brandy sweetness which is like caramelized apples in a Home Run pie, and closes with a drying kiss of that flanders smooch. Delicious. One again La Folie is zipping its nutsack up in its footie pajamas. It’s like for fucks sake La Folie, you have the grace of Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot and the collected poise of The Elephant Man, at least taste good. It cannot, if you thought that chemical acetone was gonna taste better, I guess it doesn’t taste WORSE than it smells, so: victory? This is worse than the offshelf version. Past its prime, dip a baguette in it or serve it over kale salad.

With Flanders reds and wilds in general, balance and reasonable execution beat speed and Robotnik banging

M: The Twisted Spoke is a touch too drying for my tastes and rips along the gumline like that coward Shaun White, afraid to hit those deep pockets for fear of injury. The fruit flavors balance it out and this aspect has probably gotten more aggressive over the past 4 years, but here we are. La Folie just sloppily hits the bitter and the sour zones, trying to bang anything it can like a drunk bisexual Peruivan. It is a confused mess that is not only more tart, less fulfilling, but just facepalm worthy in general. As long as Duchess exists, you can avoid 2009 C&C La Folie without losing any sleep.

D: Twisted Spoke is delicious and complex, however, it is not exceptionally drinkable in light of its intense acidity, highly layered presentation, and lingering dryness. You get that GERD pretty early in, but its a fulfilling pain, like paying a high end stripper to work you over with a pack of twizzlers. La Folie, oh man, I don’t really have much more to say about this borderline condiment. I hazarded a 5 ounce pour, welcoming the shit talking from the anonymous contingency that is my degenerate fan base. The joke was on me throughout because it sucked shit throughout all 5 ounces, like when you look at a Brendan Frazier DVD and you see that 81 minute run time and you are like “oh well, that cant be too bad.” It is fucking horrible. La Folie in this format is a huge disappointment. Did you even see Crash? Fucking Ludacris.

This will get up in your grill hard. Mayor McCheese will have the leather couch and the tripod.

Narrative: Just take all the foregoing La Folie sentences above and add a paper thin proper noun monicre and personify it in some blatant overstatement. DDB 101.

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Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

Category Archives: bourbon aged