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Top 10 Beers That New Money Palates Will Not Drink

In a beer scene increasingly dominated by monoculture acid bombs, trubtastic slurrycans, and flabby batterwater, many iconic beers have fallen by the wayside. New palates have neither the time nor attention span for these outdated beers from the past. These beers represent the educational arc that many beer enthusiasts would imbibe on their way to honing their palate. We now exist in an instaRone paradigm, where learning is passe and not knowing is vulnerability. Now the beer journey begins and ends with a 16% double barrel pastry stout and new beer palates don a jaunty expert cap and instantly dislocate their rotator cuff patting themselves on the back.

As a result, these are the top 10 beers that New Money palates will never drink:

orval

Brassiere D’Orval – Orval

Good luck trying to get someone from the 2017 BJCP class to open one of these. A Belgian beer that isn’t lambic hypewater? That will nerf your IG engagement.  Once you tell them it is also a pale ale, watch their Supreme bucket hat sink lower as they try to reconcile why they would drink this classic, genre-defining beer, let alone age one.

adam

Hair of the Dog – Adam

A hoppy old ale that isn’t even barrel aged? “So it’s like, J Wakefield Wilderness in Paradise? Where that fruit at tho?” They will inquire. This classic beer from the 90’s is akin to dusting off a Zip Disk and explaining that “AT THE TIME 100mb was quite a lot!”  The layers flavors of tobacco and caramel are an old sage pressing a Zune into their palm and attempting to explain a pre-Wakefield existence.

gd.jpg

Brouwerij van Steenberge – Gulden draak

If you thought getting someone who listens to Lil Xan to drink a BPA was hard, wait until you foist a Belgian Dark Triple on their unwilling palates. The nuance of a boozy ester-driven beer will confuse and disorient someone if LANGST was the closest thing they have enjoyed. Fold your arms and watch them start playing Fortnite on Switch as you try to explain how the beer is refermented with Bordeaux wine yeast. It’s too late, they’re recording a Music.ly lip synching Charlie Puth while chugging some Other Half cans. You’ve lost them.

ANAL

Alesmith – Old Numbskull

A hoppy barleywine: your task is futile from the beginning. Modern palates want a 12 plato finishing “barleywine” that drinks like a caramel frap stout. It better be pitch black and taste like liquid turbinado sugar. Worse still, you’ll be subject to the tired refrain of “AGED IPAS ARE BARLEYWINES LOLOL TROOF #MOOD” as the new money ticker cackles in his Yeezy Boosts having employed a timeworn bit of levity passed down to him on high.

fantome

Fantome – Saison

A neophyte beer nerd will wince at Fantome saison and wonder what went so wrong because the pH isn’t even below 3.0. You will have to turn off CrunchyRoll and try to explain how esters are important and why the bottle is green. It’s too late, they don’t want to hear about the Ghost, they have already logged into Discord.

oerbier

De Dolle – Oerbier

“This is a strong dark ale? It’s only 9.5%” they will scoff in their Diamond Supply Co. hoodie and dump the 2oz pour from a filthy taster glass. This beer that shaped so many intersubjective notions about aged beer and nuanced “high gravity” ales will not be compelling to anyone who grew up watching Ed Edd and Eddie.  They will expertly describe this as an IMPERIAL RED on Untappd and drop a hot 120 character review before firing up Soundcloud and cracking some Hoof Hearted cans.

GLBC

Great Lakes Brewing Company – Edmund Fitzgerald

One look at a “porter” and that paper thin abv and you already lost the modern consumer. What is even the point when porters are supposed to be at least 12%+ abv and component barrel aged. A nuevo dinero palate will likely correct you and note that this beer is actually a black IPA, another style they do not drink. The final nail will be the realization that this is sold in six packs, the death knell for any neo-cicerone hype beast who thrives on loss. “Mults drive secondary down bc then ppl have more products to flip, the 1pp stay on that stable gain”

BFM

BFM – Abbaye De Saint Bon-Chien

First, attempt to explain what a Biere de Garde is. Second, watch them recoil when you explain that $22.00 used to be an “expensive” beer. Finally, break down that this is a beer for aging and they will respond by noting that razzle slot values drop over time. It will be a complete waste of your time to engage someone with a “sour” beer that doesn’t fully recede the gumline and compel twitching along the orbital socket. 

peche

Bassiere Du Di Ciel – Peche Mortel

The countenance of that jejune face will slide when the instaRone realizes that this coffee stout is not even barrel aged. NO KOPI LUWAK? NO GEISHA? He will protest as though he knows something about underlying coffee roasts. Watch this sad communications major drop to the knees of his Rag and Bone joggers when he sees this beer is only 9.5% abv, a session stout, a waste of Tumblr space.

conny

Photo credit Sour Beer Blog

Russian River Brewing Company – Consecration

At first when you mention “barrel aged sour” a new money floccboi will be all on board, pulling hard on that dual coil vape talking about these sick kettle sour berliners with unfermented fruit puree that his boy Trevin bought that blew up in his Scion TC. Then when you note that this hits shelves, the sadness will sink in. What’s even the point if other beta casuals have tasted it? You’ll likely be met with a rejoinder of “Honestly, I don’t fuck with Dark Sours ever since Pulling Nails 6 brah.”  Any attempts at explaining the currant and pedio interplay will be drowned out by tattered Beats by Dre headphones pumping an Alesso playlist.

The upshot of the dystopian reality of dudes getting chondromalacia waiting for DDH trubcans is: things can steadily improve, breweries will continue to craft nuanced, amazing beers that none of this segment will ever drink. I for one welcome our new Razzle overlords.

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0

@Willoughbybrew Peanut Butter Cup Coffee Porter, For When You Need both Coffee AND Peanut Butter in Your AM Beverage

This beer is like those clandestine moments in the shower, where you spread your asscheeks and let the warm water run between: you aren’t proud of enjoying it, but there is something refreshing about it you can’t deny. Usually if I saw the word “porter” with that many adjectives bolted on like a late 90’s Integra, I would LOL and keep on getting farmhoused. In this instance, I heard legitimately great things about this LOW ABV, CLEAN, NOT NEEDLESSLY SWEET offering. My c1 fractured under the attempts to reconcile the name with these appraisals. It’s like meeting an interesting, insightful communications major. You cannot comprehend how such a reconciliation is possible.

There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s, unless it is out of your cousin’s anus. Let’s review this shit.

Trap all day, sip all night, this is the life of a goticka

Trap all day, sip all night, this is the life of a goticka

Willoughby Brewing
Ohio, United States
Style | ABV
American Porter | 5.50% ABV

Commercial Hand Job:
A consistent award winner and truly unique taste experience brought you only by Willoughby Brewing Company. We start by brewing a robust porter and infusing it with locally roasted coffee and a special peanut butter and chocolate flavor. The result is a beer like no other you’ve had before. Some people say they taste more coffee than peanut butter, others say the opposite. Which is it you taste?

You will get in the damndest scenarios drinking this crushable beer

You will get in the damndest scenarios drinking this crushable beer

A: Alright, this is distinctly a porter through and through and presents beautiful mocha foam like those darkwood cabinets you covet at Home Depot but then you realize you rent a shitty studio apartment. The deep black has a nimble BP oiliness to it that doesn’t coat especially well and washes clean like the filthy banks of the Gulf of Mexico, except you cant help but take a dip.

S: This presents an awesome roastiness in line with Edmund Fitzgerald, a comparison this Ohio brewery is probably sick to fucking death of hearing. Notwithstanding, being put in the ranks of the best is tolerable at worst and this adds a coffee profile and is less acidic roast, more of a South American/civet toastiness like burned rye bread that works well with the baker’s cocoa sweetness from the nose. It doesn’t seem excessively adjunct forward and neither aspect really steals the show or makes the porter sit in the back of the Econoline van with promises of candy and puppies. Everyone gets their turn on the porter bang bus. As far as peanuts go, I have no fucking clue. There is a light almondy presence and a sort of light nuttiness you would get from a malty brown ale, but not like PETER PAN NUTS IN YOUR NOSE status.

I could crush more of this, but Ohio seems so far away

I could crush more of this, but Ohio seems so far away

T: The coffee puts the first foot forward and, while not the most exceptional coffee blend or roast, it works well with the malt profile to provide a depth and bittering basis for all of the sweet madness that is predicated upon it. You need a solid foundation, always invite a 300 lbs man to your gangbangs, it will become clear why. The middle of the swallow has the peanut I was searching for earlier, and the nut is a brackish salty affair that would be strange on its own, but I can swallow heavy loads if it is sweet enough. The sweetness is the chocolate aspect which isn’t exactly like Tootsie Roll, it is more like those greenpeace $4.00 TCHO chocolate bars you usually see lesbians buying at Whole Foods. It’s a classy sustainable chocolate to enjoy in your Subaru.

M: This beer is as thin as Natalie Portman double donging Rachel Zoe. it drinks like a 4% export stout offering and is limitlessly crushable. You ever play Alpha Centauri and look up and 9 hours have passed and you forgot to pick your kids up from swim practice? That’s how this beer is, you drill an entire growler on accident and then suddenly it’s “officer the cuffs are too tight.” The clean swallow with the robust roast is a great combo that can lead to some serious mischief. Do yourself a favor and kennel your pets before you get all up in this mix, that 2L serving size will serve you just find, provided you dont have access to your ex’s numbers. LOL you dont even have an ex, let’s be real here.

This beer is straight decadence

This beer is straight decadence

D: See above, this is staggeringly croosh and even croosh progeny will salute the manner in which it is disposed. Take a crazy crooshable beer like Lagunitas DayTime IPA, then make it a porter, with insane flavors across the board. It is in that realm of drinkability where, after 64 ounce, you start thinking you can do things, like, say you have never fenced in your life, you would suddenly look at the Epee like you know some shit. It’s that kinda beer.

Narrative: Peter Legumee had the worst route out of all of the ice cream trucks in western Ohio. He drove by the DOW industrial chemical refinery, in the section 8 housing suburbs, then closed his run down near the quarry. Nobody was trying to eat a Pink Panther when the air smelled like curry and burning pubes. Then one day, Peter got into his shoddily modifier confectionary-mobile and had a realization: coffee and peanut brittle. He decided that lactose heavy frozen treats weren’t what these leatherneck Ohioans wanted, they needed roast and salt to fuel their lives dancing just above the poverty line. He would roll right up the Dawn Soap manufacturing plant with his pentatonic jingle playing and the men would stream out in their coveralls, dunking barklike shards of peanut brittle into scalding hot V60 cups of Intelligensia coffee. It was a winning combo for the rockbreakers at the quarry too, they even gave him a complimentary fragment of basalt in gratitude. Yes sir, it was a bright day in Western Ohio that day, such that no one even noticed when the river caught on fire, the coffee was just THAT GOOD.

2

Stone Brewing, Mikhail’s Odd, Bourbon Barrel Aged IRS with Ryan Bros Espresso, Giving BA Speedway a Run for its Beans

Well it took years and years and years, but we finally have a legit Stone Barrel Aged IRS in a bottle: and both variants are fucking amazing. The abv is boosted, the mouthfeel is silkier, and they took all ratchet elements and made them more ratcheterer. Now I know you are reticent to believe old DDB after Friday’s palate bashing, but trust me on this one: California Coffee Stouts, this beer is ridiculous. I crossed my fingers, popped the most annoying cork in the world and prayed for no infection like those Planned Parenthood waiting room feels.

The Classic Fyodor tastes like a more aggressive version of my 2008 BA Stone IRS Review, which is to say it is fucking phenomenal.

Enough pandering, let’s get up in these guts and grind some of them beans.

Not only is this not infected, it is outrageously good in the platonic sense, good to the point of outrage at its existence. Them Forms.

Not only is this not infected, it is outrageously good in the platonic sense, good to the point of outrage at its existence. Them Forms.

Stone Brewing Company, Escondido
13.9% Abv (!)
38 ibus warrior hops in the boil, in the mash roasted barley and pale, amber and black malts, Ryan Bros coffee in the whirlpool

A: Just look at that bad bitch, this beer can pull a kickdoe and take the door like a malty black flashbang. The bottle is obnoxiously hard to open, the cork not only got stuck, but it broke under moderate force. At first I almost subbydeuced in my pants when I saw the substantial carb after being traumatized by the 2010 BA IRS debacle. There was no mistaking this shit though, shit looks viscous but not underattenuated, that Aristotelian Golden Mean in the Parabola and CW16 range, where you dont feel like a diabetic fuck (see: Huna) but you don’t feel like you are counting Weight Watchers Points (see: pre-2013 Eclipse/Czar Jack.) The mocha foam looks like a coffee drink prepared by one of those Suicide Girl looking baristas. Beer make you all nervous, you be buying cake pops and shit.

After dealing with missteps and knockoffs, Stone finally knocked it out of the park with its flagship offering.

After dealing with missteps and knockoffs, Stone finally knocked it out of the park with its flagship offering.

S: God fucking damnit. Why does this have to be $20 a 500ml with a nose like that? This takes that BA Speedway model and ramps up the roast and acidity like cold brew batches from Stumptown, chocolate and kaffir lime leaf, roasted graham cracker, mallowfoam and milk chocolate. The s’more joke is lingering but the coffee dominates and prevents an overlying sweetness and adds to the balance.

T: The sharp abv lingers more a moment on the tongue but is a perfect compliment to the toasty acidity of the coffee. There is a drying twix/chocolate aspect that warms the bitter zones with a light hoppy touch and closes with that same espresso bean waft that was such a fucking deal in the base beer. Nothing changes here, this beer just took that Impreza base beer and amped shit up to that Subaru RS Rallycar levels. My natural comparison is Morning Delight as it comes across as more substantial than BA Speedway, and I am too pussy to lock down KBBS so I have to leave the imrpession as a coovee between those two. The barrel lingers along the gumline with an incredible vanilla that isn’t that Lipsmacker lip gloss/Coldstone Creamery shit, its like the tannic oaky vanilla you get from Angel’s Envy left at room temp.

Between the magnificent caramel and vanilla of the barrel lies a poised coffee maltness, ready to embrace you

Between the magnificent caramel and vanilla of the barrel lies a poised coffee maltness, ready to embrace you

M: This is lighter than the hefty Abyss and massive BT/Huna finishing gravity masters, but so much for the better. Honestly I am not surprised given the character of regular ass, delicious Stone IRS. The coffee and the barrel just lay in bed with you like an exotic Craigslist casual encounter and you have way more than you bargained for. This shocked the hell out of me given how completely shitty most of the QM series presentations are, let’s be realistic here. I am the furthest thing from a Stone fanboy and their saison game could not even be salvaged by Stillwater intervention; but this, this is some other worldly shit.

D: Here we are 650 words in and the bottle is almost gone, exceedingly crushable and the complete lack of the cloying sweetness on the closer is underscored in a helvetica font by the dryness of the bourbon barrel and coffee toastiness. Inevitably some poor dipshit will interject with “BCBW COFFEE COSTS LESS AND IS PROBABLY BETER.” In this instance yes, BCBCS is much more affordable, but it simply is not better as a vehicle for delivery of coffee and barrel character, because this beer is stripped down with them Sparco seats and coffee momo pedals. BCBCS is far more affordable but this beer is simply the better executed of the two. If you are a poor fuck without a Fedex account, tell yourself whatever gets you to sleep at night, I guess. The luxury is in its brashness, both beers are amazing and I love BCBCS, but this is a whole different game. Highly recommended.

This stout is more massive than it appears, take it in carefully.

This stout is more massive than it appears, take it in carefully.

Narrative: Mikhail Bulgakov rapped his state-issued fountain pen on the rich glaze on his imported poplar desk. The title sheet for his magnum opus, The Master and Margarita, lay unfinished and the onset of writers block lay across his limbs as he slumped into a supple lambskin loveseat. “It is not right, I need…something,” he remonstrated to himself as he rifled through his cabinets, seeking a generic bottle of rye whiskey issued by the local magistrate in gratitude for his recent work and gracious compliance with his stern ban. The silky sting of the rye made him long for a decadent malty treat, the kiss of a deep chocolate contraband, disallowed in the new Republic. “THAT IS IT, by God,” he feverishly sat at the compact Hammond 1B typewriter, fingers rapping out his masterpiece, urging aesthetic to the highest paradigm predicated on a single desire: to drink a fantastic stout free from governmental oppression. “Manuscripts don’t burn” in the same fashion that his desire for a creamy decadent libation burned in his heart. It would take decades to realize his dream, but the stark love of Russian Imperial Stouts and the dreams of free fermentation licenses powered the candid reality behind Margarita. The world was forever changed.

4

Toppling Goliath Mornin’ Delight, My Motto’s Always Been When It’s Right It’s Right

Alright, we have heard enough about hyped beers that AREN’T worth a reluctant hj, but what about those hyped releases that are downright amazing. The kind that after you have them you go through a moment of clarity and the conflict subsides and you nod your head in cool reverence and renew your subscription to Bang Bus. What about those beers? This is one such beer. I know I grind the testicles of poor flyover states to no end, but this is the real deal Holyfield, now it is only fitting that let tickers and traders know how I feel.

Mornin Delight Straight Givin Beer Nerds Dat Morning Wood

Mornin Delight Straight Givin Beer Nerds Dat Mornin Wood

Toppling Goliath Brewing Company
Iowa, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 12.80% ABV

A: This looks akin to most imperial stouts you are accustomed to, with a mocha khaki foam that wisps away with minimal cling, however, I did drink this 300 bottle rarity in a fucking sundae glass so, your mileage might vary if you aren’t a demonstrative prick. The legs are nice and provide a mahogany cling to the glass, it looks viscous and cracks its knuckles menacingly letting you know that shit in and around the field is about to become real.

maple, coffee, stout, roast; this beer is hard as fuck and YES that is a real stout in the picture maybe you noticed it ok

maple, coffee, stout, roast; this beer is hard as fuck and YES that is a real stout in the picture maybe you noticed it ok

S: This is the waft that hipsters at Imagine Dragons concerts have nocturnal emissions over. You want that kiwi/cherry/lime leaf acidity from some eastward facing fair trade small batch single roast? Is that how daddy likes it? Daddy wants that french press handle dipping low crushing the fuck out of a deep acidity but balanced by a baker’s chocolate roast. It’s like an olfactory phone sex line for coffee addicts. If you have ever passed on sex to set up a vacuum press batch, then you are the type of deviant asshole who would love this. Just world class on the nose from the roast to the bouquet to the deep maple syrup that lingers like the sustained note of a 3 year old child being denied Skittles. The whole experience is magical.

T: This coats hard from the outset like a renegade Nigerian oil pipeline, sheeting your mouth with chocolate, almond joy dunked in Mrs. Buttersworth, there’s a lovely dryness to the coffee profile that ratchets the sweetness in from hitting those cloying Jodie Sweetin levels. How rude indeed. The sticky battle of roast versus decadent maple is like watching your girlfriend argue with your mom and you don’t know who to support. The whole affair is ambrosial and saturnalian like oral sex on a sack of unroasted coffee beans with your favorite IHOP waitress.

This beer is a trill remix of a classic jam.  7/8 time in the trap with sick coffee drops and maple breaks..

This beer is a trill remix of a classic jam. 7/8 time in the trap with sick coffee drops and maple breaks..

M: This coats hard and even the dryness of the coffee cant be an indian giver in this regard. The Indians are giving that sticky icky hard and tagbacks are disallowed along the gumline. It it like if KBS did blood doping but was a bit less complex. This has sick ropey veins pumping maple syrup with a neglected core that begs for bourbon (or cognac would be even better srs) so it’s hard to fault this for that aspect, but I do what I want, sometimes I feed other people’s meters and dont give a fuck. But it’s hard to give this a perfect score because it seems like it is missing that depth and complexity of the barrel treatment. It’s like what that poor fuck who sits in a base Carrera feels like when he knows there’s no forced induction and it should be there. Sure he just banged the hottest Denny’s waitress in the world, but the maple syrup can’t change that fact. Yes I know KBBS exists, no I am not giving up a CFH/Blabaer/Twisted Spoke/etc. for a 12oz bottle of BA Coffee stout. THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE.

D: This beer is outright amazing, but with its costs and drawbacks. It’s like if you have ever fingered a girl and subsequently found out that she is a squirter, the novelty alone would be incredible, but there is a certain drawback to having to get a Nissan Sentra detailed just because she wanted to be adventurous. Alas, I digress. Yes this is amazing, you will tell your friends about it. You might even relive the experience with them. But at the end of the day, you feel a little dirty knowing that it cost a bit too much and that you probably could have waited and gotten something more meaningful.

I would bang this in the morning and right before bed if it were accessible/socially acceptable.

I would bang this in the morning and right before bed if it were accessible/socially acceptable.

Narrative: Scott Wilson didn’t forsee that he would be guidance counseler, in fact, that is the greatest irony of his existence. his father, a doctor, his mother a nobelaureate, and here he was, advising adolescents of their future. “well you certainly need AP Bio…I call that a versatility class…” He sighed under his breath. Even if he was the best at his job, no one would notice. He could direct his students to the perfect universities but never receive a single accolade. Such is the life of a high school administrator. Scott took a deep pull of his thermos and tasted the best cup of coffee that man would ever create. He sighed upon receipt of yet another acceptance letter facsimile from one of his students, a school he never attended, but certainly maintained the ability to embrace. This was not the time to wonder about the past, he would embrace the present knowing that he was perpetually affecting the future. He went home to his microbotanical facility in his basement. He was restricted, withdrawn, so few knew the true genius that he harbored in his calm demeanor. Scott was amazing but the sheer effort it took to reach the depths of his cellar to see his coffee plant/maple tree hybrid was daunting. He popped a budding bean into his mouth and savored the acidity and molasses. “Someday they will see more than just a pile of administrative hassle Scott, someday you will be a household name. THEN WHO WILL IGNORE YOUR MESSAGES ON ZOOSK.COM THEN! NO ONE THAT IS WHO!” he shouted to himself in the basement of his 6br/7ba Iowa home valued at $143,000.00.

1

Jack’s Abby BA Framinghammer Triple Fucking Shootout: BA, Vanilla and Coffee. Pepper that Angus for the Lager Lovin.

Since I have been neglecting the fuck out of this trashheap of a website, I figure that some Jack’s Abby loving is in order, in the form of a tawdry threeway. Barrel aged Framinghammer is a slick little treat from those lager masters up in the frigid northeast. Just when I thought my beer boner was on full swole, they bust out two fleshlight treatments: vanilla and coffee. Cialis levels attained. To clarify, these were not aged in fleshlights, though. One can dream.

Here is the regular ass Framinghammer.  Just a world class beer, nothing to see here.

Here is the regular ass BA Framinghammer. Just a world class beer, nothing to see here.

Jack’s Abby Brewing
Massachusetts, United States
Baltic Porter | 10.00% ABV

The 2013 bottles were aged in Old Weller 107 bourbon barrels.

The beer is inversely better than my shitty picture, so it's really good. Vanilla balling.

The beer is inversely better than my shitty picture, so it’s really good. Vanilla balling.

Baltic Porter | 10.00% ABV
– Aged on vanilla beans, no fucking shit.

I love that HF stemware but I can't help but feeling like a premenopausal single mom clutching it.  Watching Nurse Jackie and Damages and shit.

I love that HF stemware but I can’t help but feeling like a premenopausal single mom clutching it. Watching Nurse Jackie and Damages and shit.

Baltic Porter | 10.00% ABV
Big, bold, black and barrel aged. A length conditioning period in bourbon barrels creates a silky smooth chocolatey mouth feel enhanced by the use of oats and brown sugar. Noticeable sweetness gets balanced by roasted malt and hop bitterness. Additional flavors include bourbon, vanilla, and oak. This one is aged on Barismo coffee strictly for the pre-teens and the roast haterzz.

A: I say this with the utmost sincerity: they look exactly the fucking same. Some would argue that the carb levels might be a bit different or the lacing has some mild variation but that guy probably reads Pitchfork media and fingers his pisshole when he gets home from his job at Lowe’s so fuck that guy. It is slick and nimble in its blackness, straight scared squid action with an inkiness that imparts a degree of wateriness in the splishy splashing. The carb is a single finger of mocha foam that subsides and gives way to some bottom fermenting beauty. This porter is distinctly porter with none of this “IS BBXXIV A STOUT” sort of bullshit thread creating nonsense. Porters por vida.

This isn't like the porters that you buy, mine have adjuncts and were inaccessible and aged in barrels so it's ok for me to have stretch marks.

This isn’t like the porters that you buy, mine have adjuncts and were inaccessible and aged in barrels so it’s ok for me to have stretch marks.

Smell

Barrel aged:
This beer has a fantastic waft to it with oak, caramel, milk chocolate, a silky Dove bar dipped in E&J, and a mallow foam stroking it in the corner. It is a 1970’s mashup of discoteque madness with porters doing cocoa rails off of unshaven bush. Very legit all around, but then the variants stepped in-

Vanilla:
This goes apeshit and gives you more vanilla than you are bargaining for. The effect is so pronounced that it almost comes across like vanilla frozen yogurt or some Coldstone Creamery madness. The regular had pronounced vanilla and this takes the bullhorn and starts pumping sticky sweet AWOL Nation shit up your nose that’s a bit too produced to be loved. Too sweet, too methodical.

Coffee:
Unlike the vanilla, this takes the base beer and massages the palm lightly, pressing a cup of joe in its hand and leaving some lipstick on the glass. This feels decadent and classy with a sharp roastiness that leans closer to the acidity profile found in the Black Cat series if you are one of those dudes who smells cups of coffee while buying your shitty Armani cologne. But for realtalk, this is the best smelling variant and doesn’t forgo the other aspects, the coffee works hand in hand with the baker’s chocolate, sticky brownie batter, and maintains that clean lager waft to it without any meddling esters in the mix.

Winrar: Coffee, easy game next question.

Give this to your trifling friends, watch their faces when you tell them it is a lager, post your stupid findings in a forum condescending on them in a passive aggressive way you pussy.

Give this to your trifling friends, watch their faces when you tell them it is a lager, post your stupid findings in a forum condescending on them in a passive aggressive way you pussy.

Taste

Barrel Aged Sweetits:
This has an amazing clean crispness that belies the expectations of some stouty mess running along your jawline. It opens with a cocoa aspect, some 85% cacao you impulse buy at Trader Joes, nice 4 Roses sort of sweetness in the finish that screams mallow and werther’s original with a light pat of coconut on the ass. Just fantastic.

Vanilla Facial:
This again just pushes all of the other aspects out of the spotlight and the base beer could not even beer barrel aged since the sticky cake batter just drops hot loads on everyone’s chest. It is just too much, too sweet, almost reminds me of a sticky oiliness in execution. Let me say all this with the qualifier that it is STILL BETTER than almost every BA porter that I have had, but these three just wreck buttholes in tandem so it’s hard to be forgiving.

Coffee Groping:
This has some of the same issues as vanilla, what with it pushing the espresso harder than a 7th grade weed dealer, pumping a hipster agenda. But god damn, you willingly comply because the product it is moving is so good. The beans and coffee merge with the seamless chocolate fondant wateriness of the base beer and it is a perfect fusion of RomCom and softcore coffee porn. You know the type.

WinRar: Gotta give it to Barrel Aged on this one.

Sometimes it doesn't matter which variant you pick, someone is getting fucking destroyed.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter which variant you pick, someone is getting fucking destroyed.

Moutherfeelings:

Again, all of these have the similar base of a swift brown water rafting trip (i.e. in Jalisco.) The toasted malts don’t hang around too long and the chocolate, almond, whipped mocha aspects all embrace the barrel lovingly. The coffee is a bit drier than the other two, but it makes you thirstier for something that is already exceptionally drinkable. The vanilla is a bit more sticky and if you shop at Lane Bryant, you could probably drink this while everyone else is at prom/getting hand jobs and you can smile in the mirror with your sweet khaki stained teeth and tell yourself that you have a good personality. But ultimately, the sticky sheeting and cling to the vanilla gets old fast, like that pesky 10th grader who wont stop texting you after you said you loved her. Fucking clingy.

Winrar: Coffee.

Drinkability:

It is tough to break these buys apart in this aspect because I could crush these like homeless people crush cans at a recycling center: all day and while covered in filth. The variants are a bit less drinkable overall because of stylistic hurdles, but they are still damn near session beers and drink like Edmund Fitzgerald that leads to DUI-city at 10% abv. Even the most closed vagina would embrace that clamshell hug for how drinkable these old chestnuts are.

Winrar: Barrel Aged version.

Overall winner, bossing your palate the fuck around, telling you what’s what:

The Coffee version pounded size 1 hipster men in their skinny livers, have them all redfaced talking about some shitty half finished memoire that they are finishing, the great american coming of age lager that most people with defined lats will trashcan and enjoy.

The coffee is amazing, so it wins.

NARRATIVE:

If you think I am typing a narrative for you ungrateful loftdwellers after laying down a solid 1200 words, you can push your testicles into your butthole.

I bet it does.

I bet it does.

1

Perennial Barrel Aged Sump Coffee Stout, Straight Double Yuban on the Canadian Mist Tip

Even since that god damn Barrel Aged Abraxas dropped, people have been losing their shit over this brewery. They make some genuinely awesome beers and their berliners are too legit for any form of quitting. However, like anything else, the hype sometimes outpaces the product and people were stumbling over themselves to nab anything, it was like Sub Pop in the early 90’s putting out all these janky products and people were still buying the grunge shit. Anyway, here’s an overhyped coffee stout that some people have been getting creamer in their jeans over, let’s brew this brah:

The label is dark and metal, the beer is straight Nescafe RIS

The label is dark and metal, the beer is straight Nescafe RIS

Perennial Artisan Ales
Missouri, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 10.50% ABV

A: This pours out not unlike some black coffee with a deep slickness to it, nice khaki head on it that immediately peaces the fuck out. The coating is pretty lackluster and it looks like old Czar Jack in the wateriness department. It turns into a Vente drip almost instantly and chins are rested upon fists forthright.

That's pretty much what happened to me.

That’s pretty much what happened to me.

S: This has a huge acidic waft to it of gritty coffee beans the produces a harsh roast with an acrimonious finish. This is not like BCBCS where you are like “ah Tortuga, yeah lime kaffir lime, nice acidity” not like that at all, this just nose fucks you like you used way too much Seattle’s best in a drip batch. If you are stoked for some barrel treatment, keep moving because this has that BA Sexual Chocolate treatment, namely, no barrel waft at all. If you grasp at straws and let this warm up hoping for some vanilla, oak, or something redeeming: be prepared to smell barista musk and more gritty spent grounds.

T: This is coffee forward backward and undercarriaged. There really is nothing else but a huge roasty coffee haymaker that puts you on your ass and leaves you licking the drip brew off your teeth wondering about the chocolate malts, maybe a bit of complexity from the barrel? Too bad, you get cold coffee that gets you pretty dreezed fairly easily. It’s like you keep thinking Jenelle Evans will improve, but its the same one note offputting character that you have come to grimace at.

Thought I was about to be on some coffee radio Rahim shit, it was like Amy Grant small batch brew.

Thought I was about to be on some coffee radio Rahim shit, it was like Amy Grant small batch brew.

M: This is incredibly thin not unlike Eclipse, but wholly lacking in the barrel complexity. At least when you drink thin ass Eclipse you can nod and go “alright, nice mallow, nice vanilla and oak” but here you just shake your head looking into your tepid black coffee and see your fat double chins staring back up at you, wondering if you can ever get partial custody of your unappreciative children. The acidity just dries the gumline and sits on your teeth like a mocha frap poured into Stone IRS. You know how Kopi Speedway or Bourbon County coffee presents a substantial coffee profile that lingers buttressed by the malts underneath? Well this is like coffee first, stout second, a distant last place in this two person relay.

D: If you absolutely love South American coffees and highly acidic brews, and generally dislike stouts, you will anomalously love this coffee stout. I drank about 10 oz of this after committing it to the plumbing vortex of trader’s lament. It would be unfair to say that regular Ryan Bros. Speedway Stout is better than this, since personal tastes may vary, but please trade cautiously for this old roustabout. Well shoot, there goes my donation box from Perennial, go blackout and watch an iCarly marathon and start making some good life decisions.

"You probably just don't like coffee or stouts" solid arguments coming from Twitter on the reg.

“You probably just don’t like coffee or stouts” solid arguments coming from Twitter on the reg.

Narrative: Dwayne Wade just did not know what to do with himself in the post-season. He kicked the opulent white tiger rug in his gaudy Miami mansion and looked out his 18 foot floor to ceiling windows over the ocean villas. “Sometimes I feel like, maybe balling outrageous is only the tip of how ill D-Wade can bring it,” he thought to himself. He walked across the imported marble foyer and remembered a smoking hot Suicide Girl barista that he used to bone and nodded to himself, he would be the world’s most ballerest barista. Problem was, D-wade was too fucking big to fit in standard barista operations. His brash coordination was not the same employed in the brewing of small roast batches. Thrice he pounded the espresso machine and broke the handle while frothing the fuck out of some milk. He was skilled in many things, but he would ruin the fuck out of your morning cup of joe. Just before he was fired from “Grounded Buzz!” coffeeshop, Lebron James entered and purposely ordered a depth charge red eye, served as a press with a 2 min shot. D-wade had never faced a coffee dilemma like this since his period of prestigious academia at Marquette University. LeBron gave him a hulking thumbs up as he cast the green apron into the coffee station and slapped a female co-worker on her ass, spilling a substantial amount of Colombian fresh roast on the floor. Ballerest fucking barista ever, shittiest coffee ever.

7

Oh Great, Another Fucking Ancient Recipe Beer.

Hey guize, guess what, they found another ancient example of a beer, and sure enough, they are going to recreate this shit found at the bottom of some Finnish ocean.

More stupid fucking rebrews of ancient ales

It seems like every 3 or 4 months the beer world gets another stupid ass release from an established brewery predicated on an ANCIENT RECIPE. These stories always get picked up by dumbass mainstream news outlets like Huffington post and the rest of the hardcore beer nerds have to suffer through questions about these shitty beers. I am all for innovation, but innovation and recreation for sheer marketing’s sake are usually done at the expense of taste. Have you ever read some of the recipes for these beers? It is always like “cardamom, jasmine, muddled figs, muscat grapes, saffron, annatto and pottery fragments.”

The worst part of these bottled gimmicks isn’t that they taste like complete afterbirth, it is the pull that it enacts on the “normal” beer drinking world. They will stumble into a Whole Foods and “TRY SOEMTHING NEW FOR A CHANEG!” and invariably hate it. Then the beer nerds are left to reap the spoils of their shitty releases. I can’t tell you how many times I have been at NAMBLA fundraisers and someone will always chime in with “OH I HAD THAT REMAKE OF THE EGYPTIAN BEER, IT TASTED LIKE I TONGUE FUCKED A WASP’S NEST” and suddenly I have to defend Dogfish Head Midas Touch for its innovation or whatever else.

God.

God.

Fucking.

Fucking.

Damnit.

Damnit.

You know why people brewed these bizarre beers in the first place? It wasn’t because they tasted so fucking amazing, they brewed them because:

1) Their water was fucking poisonous
2) Their local ingredients were the only fermentable sugars available
3) Their lives under slavery/serfdom/fealty/feudalism were completely shitty and
4) Drinking anything to get drunk in those days was probably pretty legit.

Just because something DID EXIST doesn’t mean it needs to continue to exist. Furthermore, most of these recipes are bastardized versions of the ancient beers anyway. If you want to go hard fucking core, brew that in Phoenician pottery casks in Damascus and leave that shit in the sun to contact ferment. None of this pussy Whitelabs or House cultures, go balls deep in the ancient world.

They don’t do this with any other artisanal products, no one except people at Lilith Fair are weaving clothing with rough hemp, no one is trying to nail that delicious Hard Tack recipe from the French Enlightenment. This garbage is unnecessary.

You want people to know how it felt to get feided during the Third Crusade under Richard I straight plundering Acre? Then brew the beer exactly as shitty as it was back then. Don’t drop these esoteric ingredients into weak base beers and expect people to have their shafts pumping at your innovation. You are the fucking Pontiac Aztek of the beer world. No one asked for you, and it is the stretchmarked mantitted beer nerds that suffer the effects.