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Top 10 Beers That New Money Palates Will Not Drink

In a beer scene increasingly dominated by monoculture acid bombs, trubtastic slurrycans, and flabby batterwater, many iconic beers have fallen by the wayside. New palates have neither the time nor attention span for these outdated beers from the past. These beers represent the educational arc that many beer enthusiasts would imbibe on their way to honing their palate. We now exist in an instaRone paradigm, where learning is passe and not knowing is vulnerability. Now the beer journey begins and ends with a 16% double barrel pastry stout and new beer palates don a jaunty expert cap and instantly dislocate their rotator cuff patting themselves on the back.

As a result, these are the top 10 beers that New Money palates will never drink:

orval

Brassiere D’Orval – Orval

Good luck trying to get someone from the 2017 BJCP class to open one of these. A Belgian beer that isn’t lambic hypewater? That will nerf your IG engagement.  Once you tell them it is also a pale ale, watch their Supreme bucket hat sink lower as they try to reconcile why they would drink this classic, genre-defining beer, let alone age one.

adam

Hair of the Dog – Adam

A hoppy old ale that isn’t even barrel aged? “So it’s like, J Wakefield Wilderness in Paradise? Where that fruit at tho?” They will inquire. This classic beer from the 90’s is akin to dusting off a Zip Disk and explaining that “AT THE TIME 100mb was quite a lot!”  The layers flavors of tobacco and caramel are an old sage pressing a Zune into their palm and attempting to explain a pre-Wakefield existence.

gd.jpg

Brouwerij van Steenberge – Gulden draak

If you thought getting someone who listens to Lil Xan to drink a BPA was hard, wait until you foist a Belgian Dark Triple on their unwilling palates. The nuance of a boozy ester-driven beer will confuse and disorient someone if LANGST was the closest thing they have enjoyed. Fold your arms and watch them start playing Fortnite on Switch as you try to explain how the beer is refermented with Bordeaux wine yeast. It’s too late, they’re recording a Music.ly lip synching Charlie Puth while chugging some Other Half cans. You’ve lost them.

ANAL

Alesmith – Old Numbskull

A hoppy barleywine: your task is futile from the beginning. Modern palates want a 12 plato finishing “barleywine” that drinks like a caramel frap stout. It better be pitch black and taste like liquid turbinado sugar. Worse still, you’ll be subject to the tired refrain of “AGED IPAS ARE BARLEYWINES LOLOL TROOF #MOOD” as the new money ticker cackles in his Yeezy Boosts having employed a timeworn bit of levity passed down to him on high.

fantome

Fantome – Saison

A neophyte beer nerd will wince at Fantome saison and wonder what went so wrong because the pH isn’t even below 3.0. You will have to turn off CrunchyRoll and try to explain how esters are important and why the bottle is green. It’s too late, they don’t want to hear about the Ghost, they have already logged into Discord.

oerbier

De Dolle – Oerbier

“This is a strong dark ale? It’s only 9.5%” they will scoff in their Diamond Supply Co. hoodie and dump the 2oz pour from a filthy taster glass. This beer that shaped so many intersubjective notions about aged beer and nuanced “high gravity” ales will not be compelling to anyone who grew up watching Ed Edd and Eddie.  They will expertly describe this as an IMPERIAL RED on Untappd and drop a hot 120 character review before firing up Soundcloud and cracking some Hoof Hearted cans.

GLBC

Great Lakes Brewing Company – Edmund Fitzgerald

One look at a “porter” and that paper thin abv and you already lost the modern consumer. What is even the point when porters are supposed to be at least 12%+ abv and component barrel aged. A nuevo dinero palate will likely correct you and note that this beer is actually a black IPA, another style they do not drink. The final nail will be the realization that this is sold in six packs, the death knell for any neo-cicerone hype beast who thrives on loss. “Mults drive secondary down bc then ppl have more products to flip, the 1pp stay on that stable gain”

BFM

BFM – Abbaye De Saint Bon-Chien

First, attempt to explain what a Biere de Garde is. Second, watch them recoil when you explain that $22.00 used to be an “expensive” beer. Finally, break down that this is a beer for aging and they will respond by noting that razzle slot values drop over time. It will be a complete waste of your time to engage someone with a “sour” beer that doesn’t fully recede the gumline and compel twitching along the orbital socket. 

peche

Bassiere Du Di Ciel – Peche Mortel

The countenance of that jejune face will slide when the instaRone realizes that this coffee stout is not even barrel aged. NO KOPI LUWAK? NO GEISHA? He will protest as though he knows something about underlying coffee roasts. Watch this sad communications major drop to the knees of his Rag and Bone joggers when he sees this beer is only 9.5% abv, a session stout, a waste of Tumblr space.

conny

Photo credit Sour Beer Blog

Russian River Brewing Company – Consecration

At first when you mention “barrel aged sour” a new money floccboi will be all on board, pulling hard on that dual coil vape talking about these sick kettle sour berliners with unfermented fruit puree that his boy Trevin bought that blew up in his Scion TC. Then when you note that this hits shelves, the sadness will sink in. What’s even the point if other beta casuals have tasted it? You’ll likely be met with a rejoinder of “Honestly, I don’t fuck with Dark Sours ever since Pulling Nails 6 brah.”  Any attempts at explaining the currant and pedio interplay will be drowned out by tattered Beats by Dre headphones pumping an Alesso playlist.

The upshot of the dystopian reality of dudes getting chondromalacia waiting for DDH trubcans is: things can steadily improve, breweries will continue to craft nuanced, amazing beers that none of this segment will ever drink. I for one welcome our new Razzle overlords.

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5

Five Georgia Beer Reviews for the Price of None: @Creaturebeer and @orpheusbrewing

Well, in case you were off doing healthy productive things for the past month, Georgia had its first whale release since the legendary 2009 massacre that was TERRAPIN DEPTH CHARGE. However, most gainfully employed adults that were around for that old Georgia peach were not around for this further disturbing release of See the Stars.  I will be dealing with StS in a separate post, but I figured I would check in with some Georgia reviews since my last foray left much to be desired.

I got my cup of lean, a Lil Jon LP on the turntable, fat stacks prepped for Magic City, and my Young Dro t-shirt on: TIME TO MARCH TO THE SEA LEAVING A WAKE OF TORTURED GEORGIAN DESTRUCTION, finna get my Sherman on.

just got a camera installed in the peach in my license plate

just got a camera installed in the peach in my license plate

The Jeezy hustle is strong with this one and it breaks up serious bricks of raw.  The srm looks like shit in contrast to the verve that modern IPAs take but, hey, a little crystal is fine, I guess, in moderation. Except crystal meth, not even once.  Then this beer would be Floridian in execution. This drinks very similar to Kern River Just Outstanding in that “BJCP benchmarked/flawless in 2008” sort of tangent.  This isn’t some guava and 2 row bomb that is stripped down to 1.003 FG.  This is a classic, substantial, piney and aserose, sticky oils, lingering sweetness, cones and conifers, crushed up nugs on a coffee table sort of beer that is exceedingly crushable.

Peace up, a town down

Peace up, a town down

This is rad for failing to fall directly in line with the tired ass “hazy/orange juice/matter in suspension” archetype.  It shows this brewery can follow rules and execute awesome examples of staple plays from long ago.  The HOP AND LADDER play if you will.

SUCH A TPYO ON THE CAN SUCH OVERSIGHTS

SUCH A TPYO ON THE CAN SUCH OVERSIGHTS

Whenever I see a canned saison, the elitist prick in me is always like “here we go, some dialed down farmhouse beer, where’s the sexist marketing to accompany it?”  Oddly, this is executed with class and poise and presents a degree of competence beyond the scope of “ITS A WIT WITH A DUPONT YEAST…IN A CAN.”

“In the heroine Atalanta, we see the traits of what we aim for in all of our beers: piquant, deceptively robust, and a bit wild. A tart plum saison, Atalanta tastes of plums intermingling with spicy yeast, and a refreshing tartness that makes Atalanta as good for pairing with food as by itself.”

DDB is a Str8 ramblin rek like GA tech

DDB is a Str8 rambling rek like GA tech

Alright, so this isn’t some massive fruit bomb like Flora plum or OWA UME shit, but for the price point and packaging, were you expecting some super artisanal riff? It is refreshing, dry, exhibits a nice wheaty grist, creamy cheesiness, light tartness akin to almost a kettle soured berliner that ramps up the drillability.  I can see tossing a few of these back on a daily basis while reading the local Georgia news and laughing my ass off at my state legislatures. So that’s a win.  Tasty stuff for sure, if not earth shattering.

really pressing my patience with this branding tho TBH SMH Notgonnalietho

really pressing my patience with this branding tho TBH SMH Notgonnalietho

I will spare you the threadbare “SESSION IPA” vs “PALE ALE” distinction, I have done it better in other places and the less said about this hackneyed offering, the better.  This is a wholly mediocre riff on the gentle IPA realm.  The hops are forgettable and overly resinous akin to that vegetal note you get from oversaturated cones in dry hopping.  The body of it is sweet and crackery, far too hefty for its designs, and comes across like a worse version of the ho-hum Founders ALL DAY ipa.

I mean, if you see it at a Ruby Tuesday or something, sure why not

I mean, if you see it at a Ruby Tuesday or something, sure why not

This is in or below the realm of the ubiquitous Terrapin offerings and doesn’t really command your palate or wallet in any meaningful way. The MEH exhalation can power the sails of indifference.

A pour that big was a complete mistake.  A pour of any size, a mistake

A pour that big was a complete mistake. A pour of any size, a mistake

Speaking of completely underwhelming beers, prepare for categorical disappointment with Athena.  In a world of kettle soured, lacto forward, ultra tart, low grist “berliners” and “goses” this one is amongst one of the worst offenders I have seen to date.  This is a pretty tough beer to fuck up but, my cans were riddled with problems.  First and foremost, I got clear dimethyl sulfate issues and a sort of putrid baby diaper aspect to my can, so I was like “ah, welp get the other can” but no such luck.  The people who rave about the “FUNK AND AWESOME ACIDITY” must love sampling the off flavor/butyric/diacetyl kit from the BJCP judging program.  The whole affair was back to back drainpours.

I know you will immediately call  out DDB for negligent ratings pandering, hyperbole, or iconoclasm in setting fire to the Athena effigy. Please trust me when I tell you that this is not just disappointing but flawed in a meaningful way that was out of comport with all of the positive press that I previously heard abuzz.

blergh.

blergh. cottage cheese burps.

The whole thing makes absolutely no sense because the FRUITED VERSION was mindblowing, guavas to the wall incredible, without qualifier:

God damn this goes in hard on every track.

God damn this goes in hard on every track.

Let’s be clear: the passionfruit Guava version of Athena is so so good that I can’t even identify it as the same thing as the base beer.  It blows most of the fruited Bu’s out of the water and gives a collarbone chop to other ambitious AWAs who fail to hit their mark.  If you have ever had Miami Madness from J. Wakefield or Imperial Stone Bu, this is in that mind blowing realm of guava puree, jamba juice cunnilingus, pith, frothy juiciness, intense tannins and a lightly brackish finish.

It fucks the game up, 5 mics from the Source, XXL is calling for their number, and the only real complaints are in the inaccessibility of this draft only club hit.

Ok so not beautiful but god damn, who gives a shit, 16s is fire

Ok so not beautiful but god damn, who gives a shit, 16s is fire

I haven’t had See the Stars yet but, if this beer isn’t the best thing coming out of Creature Comforts, I will be shocked. Don’t bother with the adjunct stouts, lock this down faster than a smoking hot Latter Day Saint wife. You will not regret it.

So there we have it, Georgia is up to some noteworthy stuff, some shoulder shruggy EHHHHH’s and everything in between.

See the Stars will be dispatched shortly, never you fuss chil’, now go fetch gam gam the brownie spoon, an doncha be lickin the bole.