As much as I have worked to lower the bar for journalistic integrity in beer, someone always non-ironically SCOOPS OLD DDB. Today’s iteration comes from The Beer Wench, Ashley Routson. I would think that writing an irrelevant, straw man article addressing axiomatic non-issues against sexist men in beer would be something that would be tired by Draft Magazine standards, even in 2008. BUT OH I THOUGHT WRONG:
If you don’t feel like paying into the bullshit clickbait model that Thrillist panders, here is the jist of the post:
[“SOME OVERSTATED/ARCHAIC SEXIST THING THAT EITHER DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT FREQUENTLY ANYMORE OR HAS BEEN MAGNIFIED SPECIFICALLY TO MAKE A POINT”
>Response using reasoning that almost everyone would agree with, namely that sexist people are shitty and no counterpoint really exists for the contrary.]
Basically that shit, six times.
So since the foregoing model qualifies as legitimate beer journalism, DDB has prepared its own form of this hyperbolic editorial to correct “countless misconceptions about beer that need to be addressed and corrected” using a counterpoint that no one encounters or would ever support as sound reasoning in the first place. NO ONE WILL LOWER THE JOURNALISM BAR LOWER THAN DDB, I REFUSE TO BE SCOOPED.
LIE #1 “Homosexual marriage isn’t real marriage, because the more hops you use, the higher the IBUs will be”
THIS IS A COMPLETE LIE. Just using MORE hops doesn’t alone raise the IBUs, maybe stop being an intolerant shitlord and look into alpha acid content before you make sweeping unfounded comments about bitterness and start denying fundamental human rights subject to intermediate scrutiny.
LIE#2 “Gay marriage violates natural law because Pappy Barrels are the best type of barrels to use for aging”
GOD I HATE WHEN I HEAR THIS IN A BAR LIKE SIX TIMES A NIGHT. Just because something is sourced from Buffalo Trace doesn’t mean that it is automatically Pappy, and furthermore, maybe you’re an ignorant cicerone using fallacious reasoning predicated on pseudo-science to promote your own closeminded theological agenda. There are all kinds of barrels, maybe your sweeping hatespeech statements aren’t as well researched as you think they are.
LIE #3 “Higher Sparging Temps Always Result in the Denial of a Human Life Because of Same Sex Unions”
GOD THIS ONE GETS UNDER MY SKIN. The average person pushing a sparging agenda will usually bring this one out when you are talking about mash temps and then all of sudden the dispute is about how same sex parents refuse to create potential lives and thereby violate God’s plan. Ok first and foremost, if you know anything about mashing, you know that there are plenty of heterosexual parents who elect to not have children and a brewer who tries to create long chain amino acids doesn’t have any role in the relationship. I SWEAR SOME PEOPLE CAN BE SO SHORT SIGHTED.
Lie #4 “All IPAs are faded after four weeks because homosexual marriage turns a moral wrong into a civil right”
MY EYES ROLL SO HARD WHENEVER I AM AT A BEER FEST AND SOMEONE BRINGS THIS OLD CHESTNUT UP. Every IPA is different and have a completely different malt and flavor profile, so making sweeping hateful statements about a class of people based upon your own fear mongering is shameful. As a rule IPAs in general are best enjoyed fresh but making ethical judgments about people predicated entirely on hop profiles isn’t just incorrect: IT IS WRONG.
Lie #5 “Saisons should be sour because homosexual marriage creates a sterile union devoid of children”
Saisons were developed long ago in Wallonia and northern France and the style is constantly evolving. Just because some brewers recently are using monocultures in addition to Sacchro, that doesn’t mean that every union needs to result in the birth of children. Overpopulation is already a huge concern and if the PH on a saison isn’t below 3.0 THAT IS FINE. Maybe if you considered the number of people who are infertile getting married, you would see that brewers should be free to create saisons that don’t fit the prescriptive mold IN YOUR MIND.
Lie #6 “Homosexual Union Offends God because English Barleywines are Clearly Superior to America Barleywines”
You wouldn’t believe how many times I have been at a bottle share and someone in a cut off denim vest and a Jeff Gordon hat brings this one up. IT’S LIKE CAN WE TALK ABOUT ANY OTHER BEER ISSUES BESIDES FOCUSING ON THE LOVE AND UNION OF HOMOSEXUALS. It gets old really fast. Ok sure, you are free to believe that the caramel and sweet notes attendant to English barleywines are superior, but to deny a class of people a series of benefits simply because you want to rely upon your own theological beliefs seems to subject barleywines to unfair scrutiny. As hard as it is for you to believe, some people prefer the oak forward, hoppy character of American barleywines, just like some people just want to enjoy a union with the same benefits and protections without being subjected to judgment and governmental denial of fundamental rights. WE GET IT YOU LIKE THE ENGLISH KIND MORE, get over it.
CONCLUSION TO HIT THE REQUISITE WORD COUNT:
The moral of the story: you don’t need to drape anti-homosexual statements in the context of beer for the rest of us to “get” it. Keep it real, keep it 100. Brewers are pretty damn smart and pretty damn awesome. So stop treating us like spoiled little 5-year-olds who need to be bribed with candy to eat our veggies.