0

@Darkhorsebrewco Rum Barrel 4 Elf, a glade plug-in/dryer sheet disaster of a winter warmer

Oh winter warmers, what are we supposed to do with you? At any other time of the year we would just call you an old ale or a barleywine and be on our way. But every fourth quarter breweries toss fucking cardamom and allspice into perfectly respectable beers and spice things up like how Hollywood was adding gay characters into every movie in the 90s. Sometimes spice adds a layer of complexity to a hefty malt profile, more often it tastes like a bakery disaster with nutmeg secreting out your nips balefully. This is the latter. Let’s see how Dark Horse spent all that TV money in today’s review:

The vinyl is inversely amazing when contrasted to the quality of this beer,  And we all know Dre Day is a classic.

The vinyl is inversely amazing when contrasted to the quality of this beer, And we all know Dre Day is a classic.

Winter Warmer, Michigan,
Dark Horse Brewing, who knows the abv? You’ll see its not relevant.

A: This is a murky brown with a turbid center like lake water, frothy carb that looks lively but is secretly just runoff from Beijing factories. In the same vein as that CAPRICHO OBSCURA disaster from Cigar City, this just looks messy, but looks are sometimes deceiving.

this bae gets out of control pretty quickly

this bae gets out of control pretty quickly

S: Smells are not often deceiving and this is a Yankee Candle nightmare. You get some sort of cinnamon meets cardamom, a sickening sweetness like egg nog sublimates into an almost floral aspect that clashes with everything else. I can’t make heads or tails as to what they were going for here: is this a malty big beer with rum underpinnings? It definitely is not that. Is this supposed to be a spice driven holiday extravaganza? It feels more like someone dropped an IKEA spice cabinet into the brite tank. Maybe its a sweet winter treat? well it isn’t really that considering the whole thing has this laundry detergent overtone to it. I don’t know who this is for, people who have a disassociative disorder with their mouths and want to render punishment perhaps. Some people said the rum barrel mellowed out the spice of the base beer, but that’s like how napalm mellows out fire by keeping it in a single area to devastate for a longer period.

Just because something is strange doesn't mean you want it anywhere near your mouth

Just because something is strange doesn’t mean you want it anywhere near your mouth

T: This just continues the punitive aspects of the spice and adds a sickening layer of sweetness like when someone brings you shitty candy from abroad. It is never tuned to your palate and seems grossly saccharine or has like fucking salt or licorice in it. This is all that, except wait, who is getting out of this nightmarish taste Uber? Oh it is fucking clove, here comes this asshole. You know, like those times we have all smoked a black and mild and then craved some skittles, we’ve all been there. Blegh.

M: This is thin and doesn’t linger thank god, it ruins your evening in a perfunctory manner and then does a heel turn and leaves. So I guess I am thankful for that. It doesn’t like fuck your sister and then ask for a ride home, it knows when it is not wanted and is respectful enough to be over quickly. Thanks for that, Dark Horse.

Winter Warmer fanboys repping the block hard piru set

Winter Warmer fanboys repping the block hard piru set

D: If this were any less drinkable it would be a solid object. If barleywine were a super hero movie, this winter warmer would be the guy who gets pushed into a tub of toxic waste and jasmine to create the ultimate beverage villain. I cant not recommend this enough because, it isn’t even infected, they made this on purpose. It was like how the director of Birdemic was like “yup, this looks good, better offer this to people, you know, in exchange for money.” This is a total pile of wet Michigan garbage that has an entire can of FRESH LINEN Febreeze dusted over it. In other words, extra this to Florida traders, they will drink anything as long as it has been in a barrel.

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3

@westbrookbeer Mexican Cake 4 Way Battle Royale, Columbian Lumberjack Rules; Ladders and Cagematch Setup

Alright, if you follow this site regularly on twitter/instagram/facebook/WP/etc. you are probably stout brown in the face after seeing a relentless 5 pics on Monday of MC shit. Apologies in advance, I think of poor Etan, I think he subscribes to every one. Anyway, I don’t feel like dropping a solid 2000 word deuce and belaboring the point on this one so I will just be lazy as two lesbians in a Sharper Image massage chair and just post some thoughts and we can lay this whole Mexy dispute to rest.

Without further ado, let’s find out about Mexican Cake: from South Carolina, a state that probably couldn’t advocate worse treatment of Mexican people.

Invariably some dipshit will complain 1) NOT THE SAME 4 GLASSES or 2) YOU DIDNT DRINK ALL 88oz.  Criticism fail.

Invariably some dipshit will complain 1) NOT THE SAME 4 GLASSES or 2) YOU DIDNT DRINK ALL 88oz. Criticism fail.

Before I go any further, yes, I know that there is a draft-only “COFFEE CAKE” but I couldn’t give a fuck less about that after mowing through 4 variants, so content yourself with this for now. This beer doesn’t need any more fucking adjuncts. Speaking of which, if you have a Coffee Abaraxas, hit me up.

FIRST UP: Regular Ass Mexican Cake, No Barrel Treatment, Not Rare, Psh only cocoa nibs, vanilla beans, cinnamon sticks, and fresh habanero peppers. Do you even adjunct bro?

The Scrappy Doo to Huna's Scooby.

The Scrappy Doo to Huna’s Scooby.

These all look essentially the same and exhibit the same base olfactory profile what with the birthday cake sweetness from the vanilla, this horchata/mole thing going on with the cinnamon and habanero peppers, with a solid chocolatey closer. This is not the same old thin song and dance that North Carolina rolls out and I think the enhanced racism from South Carolina adds some depth to the body of this beer. You can taste the conservative faith-based attenuation. The mouthfeel is mid-range and coats similar to Parabola and Damon. You don’t get the Huna and Abyss 1.045 FG sweetness, but it is better in that regard. The problem that arises is that there are just too many fucking adjuncts going on. It’s like when you go to an entry-level improv show and its 7 different dipshits all shouting punchlines and nothing coherent comes together. The chocolate aspects serve as an MC to keep the other assholes in check and it is a very good representation of the chili stout style.

Verdict: This is the “worst” of the 4, but that is hardly fair with no barrel treatment complexity or depth. This shines in brightness to the chilis and likely would pair with food best. The most accessible and def worth seeking out.

THIRD PLACE: Apple Brandy Barrel Mexican Cake, AB Huna be giving tickers all these unreasonable expectations

Apple Brandy!? OH SHIT LIKE LAIRD'S HUNA- No. Very far from that, in fact.

Apple Brandy!? OH SHIT LIKE LAIRD’S HUNA- No. Very far from that, in fact.

I will admit, I came into this expecting this to be the best, not fucking third place. The thing that I failed to consider was: 1) this beer is far thinner than Huna 2) those malts are needed to bounce the vanilla and cinnamon and cocoa and rock candy and skittles in the brew and finally 3) apple brandy treatment is really. fucking. sweet. I don’t mean that in a mid-90’s rrrrradical rollblader way, I mean sweet like packets of Stevia rubbed on the tip of your cock. The barrel comes out the gates with sticky sweet apple pie filling, home run pies coated in cake batter, and then a strange heat that just does not meld with the sweet profile. Add the relatively thin base to parade all of the foregoing out upon and it’s a bit underwhelming.

Verdict: This trades at an ape shit level and I don’t see it improving over time. Those solid 5 ratings from tickers in the first week make me wonder if people awash in Terrapin are where I should be accepting my beer reviews from. I can’t recommend trading a fucking DDG/DBD/DDB/BDD/OPP for one of these.

RUNNER UP: Red Wine Barrel Mexican Cake, Put on those Lane Bryant stretch pants on and go full on divorcee mode. Bonus points if you bought this bottle with alimony funds

Mmm put on those jammies and Cougar Town and just nest with this one

Mmm put on those jammies and Cougar Town and just nest with this one

I expected this to taste like a Smuckers trainwreck and potentially be worse than the base beer, but I was wrong as two Arizona State co-eds in an algebra class. This is really fucking phenomenal and the red wine underpinning is an adjunct flavor that actually FEELS LIKE IT BELONGS THERE. This doesn’t continue to push your o-ring with sweet or weird savory, it provides a tart aspect that cuts through the other din like a high hat through a metal solo. This is actually the driest of the bunch too and the fruit character somehow just works with all of the chili and cinnamon tingling. This would be hands down first place if the final variant weren’t just fucking phenomenal. I really recommend trying to lock down the “least desirable” variant, awesome offering.

Verdict: certainly worth seeking out and a vast improvement over the apple brandy. Let’s be honest, most of these “ERMAGERD MEXICAN CAKEEEEE” tastings like like 11 khaki-teethed assholes in a backyard each getting nuances from their tired 1oz pour. “OH YEAH I GET ALL 5 of the adjuncts in the bottom of this dirty glass, GONNA DROP A HOT 5/5 on UNTAPPD BRB NO ONE TALK TO ME.” Seek this one out, does not disappoint.

WINRAR: Jack Daniels Barrel Mexican Cake is the Best Variant, I know, I am surprised as you are. Fuck.

Inb4 "JACK IS NOT BOURBON I READ THIS ONLINE ARTICLE AND NOW I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT CHARCOAL FILTERING THANKS MAXIM"

Inb4 “JACK IS NOT BOURBON I READ THIS ONLINE ARTICLE AND NOW I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT CHARCOAL FILTERING THANKS MAXIM”

HOW COULD THIS HAPEN. I know, I too had the memories of painful JD Eclipse in my mind, the dead bodies huddle in piles, palates destroyed, when I opened this banger. This is not only the best variant, it is straight up better than Rum, CA Brandy and Whiskey variants of Huna. THINK ABOUT THAT SHIT. This is a real goldilocks scenario because the JD adds a great caramel aspect to assist the cinnamon/vanilla, the oak is just sweet enough to give a depth to the sweet cocoa, the dryness is enough to pair with the chili and the whole thing feels amazing, like when you clean your Fleshlight for the first time. This is mindblowingly good and shockingly, the easiest to acquire, all stretched buttholes considered. Thanks again KG for this one.

Verdict: this beer is phenomenal and one of the best stouts that I had this year AND I FUCKING DRANK BOTH NARWHAL AND SUEDE SO THINK ABOUT THAT ONE OK. But really, this was exceptional and well worth a rebrew, unlike EBT ass Apple Brandy, lookin for handouts.

So there were have it, wait what? Narrative? Go fuck yourself. We are at 1200 words already. Here’s some memes, drop them in where ever you want, I am finished with this shit:

refill bottles of MC variants and smash them at a tasting.  beerloser heart attacks ensue.

refill bottles of MC variants and smash them at a tasting. beerloser heart attacks ensue.

Thanks for taking time out of your busy permavirgin schedule to read my review of some sugarwater.

Thanks for taking time out of your busy permavirgin schedule to read my review of some sugarwater.

I SAW THE MC VARIANTS ON DDB AND WANTED TO LAND ONE WITH THIS HALIA-

I SAW THE MC VARIANTS ON DDB AND WANTED TO LAND ONE WITH THIS HALIA-

4

King Cobra Premium Malt Liquor, Things Get Real When You Put the Python on Them

Ah, we have come full circle from a world class geuze to a world class American Malt Liquor beverage. This is what Freshman year of college tastes like for most of my readers, or 7th grade for my more degenerate participants. If you drink a 40 of this you are 52% more likely to engage in fingerbanging, fall asleep behind a Whole Foods, or both. I know that using glassware is a malt liquor fail but, we tryna eat on these streets.

The underground is mine, I treat it like home. I am the reason brewers saying my name like Mike Jones.

Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Missouri, United States
American Malt Liquor | 6.00% ABV

A: You know that feeling you got when you were at rock bottom and pawned all of Nana’s brass figurines? This is what they look like after they have been melted down. The lacing is minimal and you tear up when you pour it out of the regal clear glass 40 oz bottle. The stemware is totally ancillary to the experience. There’s a clear brassiness to this with a glowing orange aspect to the center, like a radioactive pail of rainwater: YOU MIGHT GET SUPER POWERS. I get the super power to buy multiple 7-11 Tuna Sandwiches and pass out in the entryway. WILL I USE IT FOR GOOD OR EVIL?

People that lift don’t drink this. Carleton Yoder can’t hang with the Cobra.

S: This smells like a blend of a light lager and a yeasty saison, like a yeast infection. This goes cream corn to the Monistat level real quickly. I actually enjoy the mild spice and vegetal aspect because if I imagine that this is a bretty beer and not just made with discarded canned produce, it is moderately pleasant. Considering the competitors in this field, this is one of the better offerings. I know, it’s like the old watch a marathon of MASH or Touched By an Angel dilemma where no one ends up a winner.

T: This continues the sweetness of the nose, kicks in some boiled carrot aspect, there’s a light wheat aspect and rounds everything out as though you filtered the beer through a Coinstar machine. I should pad out this section with more imagery but, I seriously don’t have much else to say about a movie that is 12 minutes long. Bane climbs out of the pit. There you go.

Oh sorry, I was calling for Cobra.

M: This is incredibly thin but do you really want a more substantial cling to this vegetal roll of nickels? If this was in a small format and left some more residual sugars, girls would drink this on the lake. Understand the analog to that is boys, who will drink this while contemplating which cold air intake will fit best on their Mitsubishi Eclipse. Then you jump a huge gap, and there’s shitwaffles like myself who open it to flame it and we all high five at how far we have come. I can’t go that route though because this hits the market segment dead on, provides a refreshing wildlife funkiness to it, provides a level of meta-irony that invites conversation, and ultimately won’t really get you that hammered. There are plenty of offerings from “craft” breweries like, let’s say White Birch, Mikkeller, and Cigar City. Go drop $15.99 on a Vuja De and tell me it is superior to this beer. I fucking dare you.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and I can put away a solid 40 of this before my parole hearing and not even feel bad about it. The serving size is perfect, the taste is flawed, the history is immaculate, and the image is indefatigable. Revisit this gem with an open mind and an empty wallet.

I will drink malt liquor in stemware and drainpour M: rustling jimmies is my bizness.

Narrative: The tri-state paper conference started out all wrong. Jace Rawlings knew he should have printed his handouts on eggshell, or at least opted for some embossed text. Now who looked like a fool in the company of triple bond champions. “Hey…JACE…Jace was it? Lemmie see that business card again!” Jace meekly handed his main competitor, Chaz Merkel, his freshly minted card. “I see you uh, you went big here on the single poly blend low acidity, did you happen to print this off of a HP Smarttech 2200?!” The crowd burst into laughter. References to the notorious HP Smarttech 2200 were particularly in vogue after a notorious feed error warranted a wholesale return to the factory. The other paper executives laughed and laughed at his expense. Jace lowered his head and accepted defeat. As he exited, he left a single origami crane folded out of visualizing paper, three hole punched, a rare 2003 vintage.

15

Steel Brewing Company, Steel Reserve 211 – I got 211 problems and this beer is all but one

It was only a matter of time before malt liquor started getting the praise that is deserved within the halls of Asgaard. This was my old standby in college and I have revisited the past to see if my palate has held up as well as this lovely libation.

“Looks what the bloods did to Weezy,
Look what the crips did to Jeezy,
Now look at this review,
straight reviewing Steel Reezy”

The unofficial skeleton key to date parties, exchanges, invites, and brises.

Steel Brewing Company, Steel Reserve 211, 8.1.% abv American Malt Liquor

A: I will get this right out of the way and say it: this is the best part of this beer. See that above? It doesn’t get much better going into this Sarlacc pit of ale woes. One time I got really hammered and ate 5 items at Taco Bell, that’s enough sodium for a town the size of say, Lebanon, New Hampshire. My bill was $14.85 without a drink. So I woke up and drank liter after liter of water and, nothing but dehydration. Eventually, my kidneys took a hard reboot, flashed that ram, and the expiration looked like what you see above. It is alpha and omega for what you can expect. The carbonation looks like a soft winter morning in Detroit in that classy clear bottle that lets all the halogen light in to chill with the complex malt profile.

Reviewing 40's on this site now? Shit just got real.

S: I just realized something, that in undergrad I never used a glass, much less for something like this. I now know why. If you’ve ever dropped anything on the floor of a movie theater, you’ll know exactly what this smells like, butter, corn, sticky old candy, and reluctant hand jobs. It reminds me of the water after you make asparagus, except this is not rich with nutrients. This is rich with high divorce rates and stories about dad being a famous explorer.

T: The intial taste is overidingly sweet like those Circus Peanut candies and then subsides into a canned lima beans flavor that may evoke images of street cleaning day or fetching a switch for leaving the toilet seat up. You know, I guess that depends on how you were raised. Then things get dark and the swallow of this beer tastes like if you lick your fingers after counting change. Sometimes in movies a guy falls in love with a robot android, this is the closest you will to going down on a robot. The tin lingers and reminds me of a wheelbarrow left outside after a rainstorm and then, well shit, you have a wheelbarrow full of rain, no sense in letting it go to waste when there’s 211 to be made.

After 2-3 forties of this beer, you too will be alpha as fuck, for better or worse.

M: Fun fact: 211 is the California Penal Code for robbery. This beer is basically named after:
211. Robbery
Robbery is the felonious taking of personal property in the
possession of another, from his person or immediate presence, and
against his will, accomplished by means of force or fear.

How fitting since someone who mashes out on this beer will likely be on one of the sides of that loving exchange. The sweet faux-belgian esters (read: attic insulation) linger on and on, like a story about how your friend got “SOOO WASTED AND KAITLYNN WAS LOOKING AT HER THE WHOLE TIME AND-” you just can’t wait for it to be over. This beer was the reason that I thought that 8.1% was such an impressive alcohol content because I figured tastes got worse incrimentally at that point, bud light > Natural Ice > Olde English > 211. It was a strict hierarchy of self debasement, as true today as when it was written.

After playing Century Club with this beer, I was all like-

D: The bottle says “Extra Malted Barley and select hops for extra gravity.” I am no science whiz, but, do hops really affect the gravity of a beer to a huge degree? Furthermore, this beer could use a shitload more high alpha acid hops to cover up the circus sex that is going on in my mouth. Sadly, if you are so gone that taste isn’t an issue, this becomes incredibly drinkable. However, your money also becomes extra spendable, and your gentials dont adapt a carapace to shield you from awesome 3 a.m. decision. That is what the label should say.

”]

Narrative: Walter Park wasn’t having the best first semester at U.C. Irvine. He came in a ruddy cheeked spritely Korean lad with a passion for beowolf clusters and compiling new distros of Linux. College guy shit. His first semester did not go as planned, and he received a staggeringly dishonorable B+ in cognitive logistic system mapping. The cloud of shame was not insubstantial at the Park home and he hardly felt the urge to practice his old violin that ironically was a punishment device when he was younger. One night in between serious clan raiding on World of Warcraft, Walter stumbled bleary eyed to the dorm fridge and noticed a radiant vial of something he had never seen before. He had for so long steeled his own reserve to comply with the expectations of others, and after a healthy 80oz serving, he began freestyle coding, “fr0ding,” as he later would call it. The next morning Walter awoke with symptoms of end stage renal failure and looked to his amazement to find that he had configured and remapped the entire optimization kernel for Amazon. His inbox was bustling with job offers and takedown notices. It was the clearest example of wasted talent that the world had ever seen.