I DONT HAVE READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS, but I do have opinions about Heady Topper



After a super difficult decision, the Cannery at Alchemist will no longer be selling Heady Topper at the cannery. Like if you show up, NO HEADY TOPPER. In what many are calling a bold gambit for the beer world, this ambitious brewery is taking their product and selling it to an intermediary (tentatively called a “STORE OWNER” for the time being, details developing.) Now from what eye witness accounts are reporting from standing outside the cannery, apparently the store keeper then has plans to RESELL the Heady Topper. The Alchemist is attempting to latch some Dead Hand control by suggesting a Retail Price, but what this likely means is the end of Heady Topper as we all know it.

Now I know the article claims “The good news is this will not affect our production levels” but what does that really mean? I know that when I was fired from the Nescafe production facility for masturbating in the breakroom, PRODUCTION NEVER WENT DOWN I JUST LOST MY JOB. Now Heady Topper appears to be completely gone. Who knows what these alleged “STORES” will be even doing with the cans? Are we given any assurances that the cans will even actually not be beer? I didn’t think so.

Pictured above: the public reels from Alchemist's incredibly selfish decision to not allow the public to trapse around their facility pell mell

Pictured above: the public reels from Alchemist’s incredibly selfish decision to not allow the public to trapse around their facility pell mell

It is a sad day in the beer world, to be sure. I had a series of pre-pre trades set up for brewery only releases for my ultra rare DIPA, now how does that sound, Veritas 12 for a STORE ONLY release? Vermont has essentially sank to Illinois levels of audacity. If anyone wants to do a store only for store only trade, looking to land some BCBS Coconut also, but that’s another post.

I think we can all agree that shutting down their industrial production facility is short sighted and a slight to the public. As a beer drinker, I am entitled to come and rummage through canning lines, nod pensively while hearing about brite tanks, and transpose dipshit homebrew questions to men working 14 hour days stirring wort. That’s my right. Now they just unilaterally take that away from the beer world, its like: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN HIDING ALCHEMIST? Suddenly a closed door policy, just like when I worked at the Nescafe facility. Beginning of the end, for sure. WHERE ARE WE EVEN SUPPOSED TO SELF GUIDED TOUR? Outside? Thanks for the HOPSpitality, amirite?

Pictured above: children of divorce due to Alchemist closure

Pictured above: children of divorce due to Alchemist closure

When reached for comment, marketing representative from Alchemist Brewing noted, “it is clear that people in Vermont have exceeding difficulties with reading comprehension. We will be offering weekend courses to instruct grown men with adult literacy, which apparently remains a challenge within the ambit of our fanbase. The classes will not be conducted in the brewpub.”

One onlooker, Walter Jeffries, called the Alchemist’s statement “a false concession, completely igneous and riparian,” and shook his head upon pretending to read it.

More details as they develop.