Upland Brewing Company Announces Bold New “Expectation Society”

Associated Press
Indianapolis, Indiana

Upland Brewing Company is no stranger to delivering consumers exactly what they want. From their celebrated diverse sour program replete with authentic lambics, nuanced fruited wilds, and universally celebrated Russian Imperial stout program: these Indiana brewers know how to satisfy the most demanding beer palate. Their new Secret Barrel Society is no exception:


Expectation Society also includes brick and mortar location to pick up purchased beers, for no extra charge.

Expectation Society also included brick and mortar location to pick up beers at, for no extra charge.

In an unprecedented move, early last week Upland announced a bold new secret society, only clandestinely made available to public on a website via press release. “Upland was formed by a glacier, that’s always been our motto, but we don’t intend on moving at a glacier’s pace, probably much faster even,” noted President Douglas Dayhoff after consulting an excel spreadsheet, “our sour program is definitely faster than a glacier.” We were allowed to tour the spacious Indianapolis facility where Dayhoff explained the innovative new program. “Everywhere in Indiana you hear people expecting things, in our brewpub you hear things like ‘I hope local home prices don’t continue to fall’ and ‘God I pray these Pacers get their shit together this year’ and that means one thing: Upland customers love expecting things,” Dayhoff noted as he slipped on a neoprene hazmat suit to enter the brushed aluminum Sour Containment Room, “you’re gonna wanna put the goggles on, the beer will burn your eyes even through the barrels.”

While surveying the intensely acidic potations slowly eating through the oak vessels, Dayhoff explained why hope was such a critical part of Upland’s business model, “we didn’t want to be like all those other breweries that accept upwards of $300 and then just give the consumer beer in return. Where’s the hope in that? Where is the romance? Sounds more like a transaction to me, and that simply is not the Upland way.” Upland’s business model has long been predicated on carnival games, raffles and parlor tricks. “We initially loved the idea of raffling off every beer needlessly, but then we started exploring retail models like throwing a ping pong ball into a fishbowl, knocking over Upland bottles with a softball, things of that nature, but they didn’t prove stable enough for a true reservation society.” Shortly after the polyurethane gloves began to bubble after handling some of Upland’s young lambic, we were led to the marketing strategy room. “What we ultimately decided to sell to the consumer, at the very fair price of $250.00, was the right to hope to be able to pay for a beer at a later date.”

Upland brewers hard at work crafting that authentic Pajontenland lambiek

Upland brewers hard at work crafting that authentic Pajontenland lambiek

The bold new strategy left many market analysts dumbfounded and perplexed that they had not thought of monetizing expectation based transactions earlier. “Now instead of entering a lottery or guessing the number of marbles in a jar to earn the right to buy an Upland beer, we cut that right out with a $250.00 membership which then allows you to give us money. It is exceedingly innovative and the perfect way to distribute our iconic ph2.0 libations to the public,” Dayhoff noted as he administered alkaline tablets to brewer, Pete Batule, as he lay on a cot with occupational GERD.

To ensure that the Upland consumer got the maximum amount of expectation per Expectation Society membership, they have guaranteed the right to pay for AT LEAST 100 Upland sour bottles with each membership. “It really wouldn’t surprise me if some people bought multiple memberships to ensure the right to pay Upland as much money as possible, Indiana residents are no dummies and love paying for the right to expect things,” Dayhoff nodded confidently while monitoring bright red litmus strips. “One red-faced patron Bloomington patron even asked me at our pub, ‘at least tell me I can come here to pick up the beers, please dont ship them, my home life is so sad I-‘ and I couldn’t help but feel for him, so every member will not be inconvenienced with having them shipped within the state to their doorstep, unlike some OTHER barrel programs.”

Nearing the end of the tour Dayhoff directed us to the gift shop and looked lovingly over the shelves of Upland branded merchandise, “this stuff practically sells itself I tell ya. Well I mean, it kinda does when we force the consumer to take it with their $250.00 membership, I mean look at this glass! That’s gotta be worth something right?” Dayhoff quipped and stared at the goblet for an uncomfortably long period of silence, brow furrowed.

"I will prolly buy a couple memberships for tradebait," noted local resident, Daniel Rosenbalm

“I will prolly buy a couple memberships for tradebait,” noted local resident, Daniel Rosenbalm

“One ex-employee noted that ‘Hey maybe actually sell the consumer some beer for upwards of three benjamins, I mean Upland is a brewery, right?’ and I mean, he was subsequently terminated for poor performance, but it got us to thinking. So in addition to the mountains of literally imaginary benefits already conferred, I also put this spicy little rider into the Expectation Society: ‘Other awesome events and benefits we decide to add on, spuriously and with adequately questionable notice, throughout the year for members.’ So if the first deluge of expectation and hope wasn’t enough, HANG ON COLTS FANS, a full year of mysterious hope COMPLETE WITH YOUR MEMBERSHIP!” Dayhoff noted walking around the parking lot, taking in the majesty of the local flora and fauna.

At the conclusion of the interview one employee slid a piece of paper into our hands which noted:

http://uplandbeer.com/about/secret-barrel-society/ ….. shhhhh”

and insisted that the society was of the utmost secrecy.

We will continue to update the consumer as more expectations become available.


Upland Brewing Gilgamesh Flanders Red Sour, Mesopotamian Hot Shit

This beer had a 2000 bottle run all the way out in Indiana, so I hit up my homie Cam on his two-way and then found out no one has two way pagers, so I chirped his Nextel, and, you see where this is going, antiquated technology jokes and shit. Anyway, he picked these up and shipped them to me so we can get chocolate wasted. That shit cray.

Upland Brewing, Gilgamesh 10.5% abv sour Flanders Red Ale

If you think I will drop some Spencer references or pander to some cliche Enkidu punchlines you can fuck right off.

A: The appearance has a ruddy brownish amber aspect to it with fine microbubbles and generous lacing. It looks like a murky pond water that you know has some single mom bodies hidden in it but, who’s gonna get in there, you know. Oh and it is mildly flirty, you get this beer’s number but you know she wont text you back.

Keep talking shit on sour beers. See what happens.

S: The smell has a sweet vinegar smell to it with cherry, ripe strawberry, mild oak and a faint vanilla. Very pleasant like an aromatic candle from bath and body works.

T: The sweetness initially sets in with a great cherry and grenadine flavor and the sour notes are not too overpowering, it maintains an incredible balance. There is a light note of tannins and grape skin and the bourbon is almost non-existent.

Some people drop feelings all like, why you review rare sours and shit, of 99 problems, that is not one.

M: The mouthfeel is crisp and incredibly light and is exceptionally refreshing. I had to look this beast up and it is unbelievable at a crisp 10.5% abv. Holy hell this is so delicious and it tastes like biting into a ripe fuji apple. Amazing fruit character and the bourbon dryness imparts itself when it warms. Shit gets popping off like a Lil B video real quick.

D: This is incredibly drinkable and absolutely frightening how drinkable this is. If you told me it was a 5% lambic I would be all like “that’s chill, you gonna finish those fries?” and we’d mash out on food and secretly get wasted on this baller ass beer. It just washes away clean and doesn’t impart an overly overpowering alcoholic waft or dryness. In sum, this is about as good as Flanders Reds get in my opinion. The sweetness just beckons like a Wonka factory and then you get inside and OH SHIT, it’s a distillery instead. Surprises abound.

I didn't expect much from this brew and then my face was all like-

Narrative: The life of an ice sculptor was a hard one and Michael Chambers accepted his fate with a stern mandible. The variability and volitility of the the raw material presented a dynamic canvas that knew the scope and change only held by a street artist. The goal of art is to make man like God within the ambit of creation, and Michael carved the fuck out of ice. Sometimes he would straddle that block with a pick and get to flexing on the shavings, ruminating on how his life had come to this point. “Jay Z often referenced the fact that there were no clouds within his stones, well, you wont see oxidation impurities in my stones either!” Michael quipped to the ice woman he had carved in his walk-in sub zero studio. Not a single nip was left flaccid at his gallery opening, temperature or otherwise. His recreation of Rodan’s thinker was deemed insubstantial unlit HE LIT THAT SHIT ON FIRE. He was an underappreciated genius who took a mediocre genre to new heights. His installation piece involved dropping a solid ice block off of a North Dakota mountain, just when the critics had dismissed his efforts, in the center of the block was a frozen cure for tuberculosis. Mystical at heart, but fantastic in execution, Michael generated icegasms.


Upland Kiwi Lambic, Face Melting 24th Fret Hammer On Solos

The perfect beer for people who want to make their dentists rich as hell.

A: This beer has a straight up yellow, Squirt/Lemonhead look to it. It has some nice carbonation that peaces out almost immediately. It has other things to do apparently. I am ok with that, the bubbles seemed like sick bros. Super beast.

S: There’s a cheddar cheese funkiness to it, or like the a carpet sample book at Home Depot in a strangely good way because the harsh lemon zest makes it seem like its a weird baked good. Cheese Merengue Pie. This just comes off as super acidic from the get go.

T: Holy acidic hell. This is more sour than most geuzes that I have had and it dethrones 3F Sch. Kriek as the most face melting sour I have ever had. Seriously wow, it makes your face cringe in happiness at the full court acidic press that it wages on your tastebuds. Even before you swallow, it comes in and starts tearing down the drywall and just wrecking shit like an old school punk show. The taste is bitter hot tart lemonheads with acid that melts like that stuff on Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I get no kiwi, largely because kiwis usually dont burn the enamel off of my bicuspids. This is the type of beer that people try around me and look at me like I am a fucking maniac for drinking this recreationally.

M: The mouthfeel is fire and acid that burns with the fury of a thousand ex-wives. It creates a chemical methlab and just scorches the surface with DDT and lemon acid. The fields are fallow and salted, none are saved from the tart wrath of this scornful master.

D: Did you even read the foregoing? I am working my way steadily through this 750ml but this is clearly meant to be shared. This is on the absolute extreme end of flavor profiles. I dont see how Weyerbach or other Cantillon offerings can get much more ridiculous than this. This is just a straight up acid rampage that takes no prisoners. All tastebuds are executed upon sight without recompense or remorse. Somehow, the sheer malevolence is almost a loving quality and I feel wiser and stronger for having been subject to this acrimonious treatment. Yes sir, can I have another.

Narrative: Face too sore to write narrative, must…use… flouride….