4

Blue Lobster Is Suing DDB, Wait No, They Are Using the Bootleg Labels Instead, Wait so am I sued?

Ok so if you follow DDB, you may remember a while back I reviewed a bunch of “Blue Lobster” items from the “THEN” brewer David Sakolsky. The bottles were unlabeled QC bottles of homebrew that weren’t technically Blue Lobster beers, based on my understanding. They looked like this:

Puns abound. Note, there is no reference to Blue Lobster on the label.

So in a behind the scenes that I didn’t want to go into, the now former brewer, David got in deep shit for sending me bottles of his homebrew. This is a nuanced IP discussion for a forum not as nuanced as the internet minge that is Dontdrinkbeer. So at that time, the owner of Blue Lobster intimated that he was going to sue DDB for what I can only assume libel (?) or misappropriation of company property (?) trespass to chattels (?) defamation per se (?) for posting pictures referencing Blue Lobster beer with “fake” labels.

Here is one such label that may have poised the Blue Lobster owner to sue poor old DDB:

This was the beer that I drank the night that old Subbydoo was banned from BA. Must have been the ABV.

So anyway, that label rustled that jim jameses, because I noted that it was brewed by Blue Lobster, which at the time the owner was alleging, if I understand it 1) did not want it to be identified by that fake label OR 2) that it was not an “actual” Blue Lobster beer.

Fast forward 6 months and David Sakolsky has since been fired. Now Blue Lobster has announced that they are releasing this:

MY IP HAS BEEN STOLEN.

“Hobbie” is a pejorative for sexually promiscuous Hobbits. Fantasy hate speech.

Well it looks like old DDB finally realized its dream of designing labels for breweries. So I am confused as hell, and don’t want to get sued. DDB was never officially contacted by the owner of Blue Lobster nor any counsel connected thereto, so maybe I am just completely misinformed and the owner of Blue Lobster is just a huge DDB fan. Who knows? someone with journalistic integrity should ask him.

So did Blue Lobster release David’s homebrew as a “real” Blue Lobster beer, despite disavowing it just 6 months ago? Or was this a Blue Lobster beer all along and I accidentally provided the springboard for the label?

I don’t know. I just don’t feel like getting sued. My Daredorm and Myfreecamsgirls accounts are already expensive enough as it is.

6

Americans DO NOT brew Lambic, Most Belgians Do Not Either. Almost No One Brews Lambic, Ever.

As a United States citizen, it sickens me to see these American breweries attempting to capitalize on Belgian traditions with their bastardized takes on Belgian beers. American beers cannot, and will never be, lambic. Lambics are brewed in Belgium, specifically only within the Senne Valley. Any American brewery attempting to denature hundreds of years of culture by perpetuating the brewing style is nothing but complete disrespect and contrary to the hypothetical interests of generations past.

Such disrespect.

Such disrespect.

It is equally disrespectful for these ignoble North Americans to use the word “lambic style” on their labels. As though noting that a certain influence could somehow wash their hands of the clear impurity, they continue these actions with impunity. At the very least someone might stumble across the infinitely flawed Resurgam or Duck Duck Gooze and then somehow be made aware that lambic and gueuze exists. The problem here is that they will be done a complete disservice if they taste a 100/100 rated wild ale and then think that AMERICA somehow had anything to do with the brewing of that beer. IT IS NOT LAMBIC. Furthermore, the use of the term “sour” on the labels is a complete slap in the face of Belgian brewers who had been crafting sour beers for generations. The employment of any adjectives that notes a tart flavor profile should be looked at as highly circumspect as it clearly sets the brewing culture back hundreds of years to have them appropriating English descriptors pell mell. It should be about tradition.

Lambic is about honoring timeworn nostalgia and mouthwatering practices.

Lambic is about honoring timeworn nostalgia and mouthwatering practices.

Further, Belgian breweries need to focus not on only the Senne Valley, they need to remember the meteorological implications of that valley. The lambic tradition isn’t about the valley itself, but instead the lower cloud strata that distributes the wild microculture. A brewery merely cooling their wort in this valley doesn’t automatically guarantee it is authentic, let’s implement some standards here, for tradition sake. It seems in comport with the generations of lambic brewers that petri dish cultures be taken and analyzed under an electron microscope to ensure that the cell jackets and bacteria fall under a certified Belgian sheath. I can hardly imagine that the generations of Belgian brewers from the Reformation through the Gilded age would approve of calling a beer lambic without microbiobial verification. It is in comport with their wishes.

American breweries have been brewing "WILD ALES" for less than 50 years, who gives a shit about their flawed procedures?

American breweries have been brewing “WILD ALES” for less than 50 years, who gives a shit about their flawed procedures?

Another point of contention is how American brewers are freely identifying the fermented malt beverages that they are crafting as “BEER” just in front of god and everyone. I can hardly imagine that Sumerian brew masters would condone the use of the term based upon the bastardizing conditions in modern brewing. It is a complete violation of Ninkasi, the brewing goddess, and the wishes of the fertile crescent to just go around fermenting any old grain and calling it beer. American brewers have some serious balls setting forth these items in the stream of commerce without honoring traditional cuneiform pressings in clay tablets or a single sacrifice to Innana or Utu, it’s like, who the fuck do you even think you are?

Knowing time-honored Belgian brewing traditions is half the battle.

Knowing time-honored Belgian brewing traditions is half the battle.

I think I am qualified to speak for all generations past and historical cultures from a variety of regions when I say that American brewers need to stop their practices immediately. If I may continue to free-associate the desires of past generations: IT IS NOT WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED. I don’t care if you are crafting world class beverages according to the MODERN palate, it taints the commercial interests so coveted by past generations. I think we can all agree that American breweries have contributed next to nothing to furthering Beer Culture with their paltry facepalm worthy offerings. So the next time you sit down to enjoy a Timmerman’s Strawberry Lambic to taste that authentic sweet nectar, take a moment to think of all those North American ingrates subverting the proud heritage of lambic.

2

GUIZE: Huffington Post Decided that THE MIDWEST HAS SOME OF THE MIGHT BE BEST BEERS PERHAPS TRIED

I will allow you a moment to go obtain the permits for a fallout shelter, as the most hard-hitting beer journalism is about to detonate in and around your face area:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/06/best-beers-midwest-ratebeer_n_4739775.html?utm_hp_ref=chicago&ir=Chicago

OH SHIT THE CORONATION OF A NEW ARMAND. Brewers not located in land-locked flyover states: time to fucking quit immediately. You lost, no more quarters, exit the ale arcade, the Midwest scooped up all them chips.

Since HuffPost wants you to link every single one of your media accounts to interact with their shitty message board, here is my comment I attempted to leave:

“Nice use of qualifiers throughout the piece. “OFFICIALLY” like who was the official who certified this? Ratebeer? Are they officials with certification powers? “HAS SOME” oh, like more than a single discrete unit of “best beer” so basically anywhere that has NONE of the best beer is excluded from this public interest piece, “THE BEST BEERS IN THE WORLD” by style? Rating? I guess anything can be hard hitting journalism if you paint with a wide enough brush. Your article then goes on to list 4 midwest beers among what 11 other styles from other non-midwest areas, lambics and belgians largely unaddressed. I was going to address your reader base, then I read the first comment on this article:

“Founder’s KBS goes for around $40 a 12 oz. bottle on eBay, or $10 a bottle when they have it. They only release a few kegs a year…I hear it’s phenomenal!”

And it was clear to me you are doing your job churning derivative commentary works to people who know very little about beer with a decorative trojan horse headline.

I don’t even know why I am bothering with this aggregate content, this article posits nothing new and serves to simply clutter newsfeeds, grab low hanging page views, and spawn more moronic cicerone afficionados crowding a teeming market of limited resources. Maybe write an article about that.”

Huffington Post is dripping with sticky beer news, in 2016 expect an exposee on a new beer THAT COMES IN A CAN: HEADEY TOPPLER.

I am not one to talk since DDB has more padding than a Zumba class, but at least there is some context given, a realm of qualifiers to place some tastes intersubjectively within parameters that can be apprehended. But critiquing people’s BA or RB reviews is a fool’s errand. 99.999% of beer review blogs contribute very little to the beer scene and are merely a podium to address a limited “audience” of friends and family who know Uncle Jerry as their BEER GUY: HE’S AN EXPERT HE HAS A WEB SPACE, ITS A PAGE WITH REVIEWS. He brought a BEER WITH A CORK LIKE CHAMPAGNE TO THANKSGIVING!

DDB is comparing himself to other beer sites again? BRB going to sleep, not giving any fucks.