Tag Archives: beer

5

FINALLY: The Christian Argument to [DONT] Drink Beer

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I am sure both of the DDB readers saw the recent EARTH SHATTERING EXPOSE on Christians and beer drinking. If you somehow missed it, like you were in detox after new years, or your Yu Gi Oh tournament got way fucking out of hand, HERE IT IS:

http://www.nathanrouse.org/2014/01/01/a-caution-for-every-christian-that-drinks-alcohol/

You wake up thinking you are going to have a fun new year, post some pics of your ribald good times of you and your escort friends drinking: OH WAIT YOU ARE AN ENABLING ASSHOLE. I have just one question for you labiamouthed heathens, when you posted that picture of Fantome Pomplemousse, did you have any idea you were being a cruel temptress to all those people who have no idea what the fuck Pomplemousse is? Well you are, and your esoteric beers make our lives HARDER.

Every time you post a photo of a barleywine, a brewer stomps on a baby hedgehog. Post wisely.

Every time you post a photo of a barleywine, a brewer stomps on a baby hedgehog. Post wisely.

“The often overlooked sin that is rearing its ugly head are Christians displaying their love and consumption of alcohol to those around them in public and on social media, when there are many around them that struggle with this temptation and addiction.”

I bet your insensitive ass didn’t give two fucks about your alcoholic friends who would deeply pine over that picture of Selectie C, despite the fact that they have no fucking clue what it is. Esoteric beer drinkers are enablers and a scourge upon social media. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen someone open a 2005 Gratitude and suffer cascading relapses. Your rare beers are ruining the lives of others, you selfish prick.

“We sin against other Christians and “wound their conscience” (as well as sin against Christ) when we openly act in a way that would cause them to stumble.”

You thought you were being showy with your disgusting bottle of Moscatal Dark Lord, but you didn’t know you were wounding tens of tens of souls. While we are on the subject, why did you invite your new girlfriend to our tasting dressed like that. Like seriously, was that a BEBE dress? I haven’t seen a size 3 girl in months and you have to bring her around the rest of us 18-minute-milers and lead us into temptation. I have news for you though, I will never cheat on my Zoosk girlfriend or my secondlife wife. They don’t know about one another. I WILL PREVAIL DESPITE YOUR BEER TEMPTATION AND SOME GIRL WHO WASHES HER HAIR.

Please enjoy your barrel aged stouts in silent, unposted shame. Think of the children.

Please enjoy your barrel aged stouts in silent, unposted shame. Think of the children.

“Now, before you say you only do this with others that are like-minded or with your spouse, let me ask the following questions:

Do you highlight or joke about your drinking in person or on social media (posting pictures of your margarita, wine or bottles of beer)?”

We have all seen your albums and albums of alcoholic beverages, those half ounce pours of Dave, those casual afterbrunch Mimosas made with ’99 Bellevue Lambic: THEY HURT THE MOST. As my readers are aware, I have championed not drinking beer for years. I have ever kept a comprehensive gallery of beers to avoid so that people can identify a Kaggen! if they see one and be like “wait hang on, that’s not Kombucha, I am not drinking that shit.” Despite my efforts, they are groups on the internet that still oppress those subject to the lashes of temptation. It doesn’t help that you post pictures of succulent reubens when you I AM ON A LOW SODIUM DIET SO THAT I CAN GET BACK TO MY BOWLING LEAGUE. I don’t need to see thick cut sauerkraut just nestled on cascading folds of salty corned beef, you insensitive foreskin rimmer.

If you want to publicize your beer life, you should have a private website, something with an account, and a circle of likeminded friends. I for one don’t need to see your tawdry filth, Framboos cascading over erect nipples, or whatever the photos look like. I don’t look at that kind of stuff. I come home from a hard day of work, deeply inhale in my hairdoll collection and watch Super Fun Night like a decent person. I don’t need top tier lambics to have a good time.

You can't begin to understand other people's dark temptations. Please refrain posting anything, starting with beer.

You can’t begin to understand other people’s dark temptations. Please refrain from posting anything, starting with beer.

“Do you drink in public when there’s a good chance you might meet someone struggling with alcohol?”

You probably do. Just being forthright with your good times, pressing your dick against the deli glass in the grocery store with careless impropriety. Listen, it’s not that hard. If you engage in anything that might tempt someone else, do it alone in secrecy, or not at all; don’t go drenching those chiseled abs in Wooden Hell. No one wants to see that, in fact if you just want to send those directly to my inbox for proper disposal I will make sure no one is hurt by your tawdry filth.

I will close with this truth:

“I love you and I don’t want anything to dim the light that’s shining in and through you.”

I drink these shitty beers for you, every single Truffle Abduction variant, for you. I get rid of these obscure mid-2000s saisons to protect you. I don’t want your light to be dimmed by walez.

5

@thebruery Wineification, the First Full Legit Review on the Internet, Stompin on your grapes.

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Alright, if you are one of the 215 members in the Hoarder’s Society, there was already prejam on your tip for this malty banger. When you went to go pick up your bottles of Sour in the Rye Peaches and saw that “SYRAH BARREL BLACK TUESDAY” you know that pounding in your loins, it was real. This is a 2 per memebership release from the Bruery, no extra bottles sold, no stems no seeds no sticks. 2 fucking bottles. To be honest, I thought this was going to be a bucket of menopausal jizz. Imperial Tart of Darkness meets Lindley Park and some residual Kendall Jackson tannins.

I was dead fucking wrong. This might be the best beer that they made all year and it put me right in my fucking place when I opened it, at the Bruery itself no less. After I posted a brief write up on Friday, 17 ISOs went up overnight. Business as usual in the beer game, monkey see/monkey fucking offers Proprietors. Let’s stomp hard and elaborate on why this isn’t just Black Tuesday with Smuckers poured into it, prepare to be jelly tho.

Store this bottle away from your middle aged stepmom, she will drink this while watching Scandal. Such a waste.

Store this bottle away from your middle aged stepmom, she will drink this while watching Scandal. Such a waste.

The Bruery, Placentia
15.7% or some shit (markedly lower than BT)
California, Syrah Barrel Aged Black Tuesday

Commerical Hype:
The “wineification” of beer has been a constant topic of discussion these days, so why not just take a step further and blend the two? We took our Black Tuesday Imperial Stout and fermented it along with late harvest Syrah grapes from the vineyards of Los Olivos, from our good friends at both Fess Parker and Saarloos & Sons. We then aged this wine/beer hybrid in French Oak barrels, waiting for the perfect time to bottle it up. The flavor profile is remarkable. Notes of black cherry, vanilla, cinnamon, oak, aged balsamic, port wine and a sherry-like oxidation from the barrels. This beer is like nothing that you have ever tried before.

A: This beer looks nothing short of awe-inspiring. I hate delving into the old Lisa Frank handbook to describe swatches of magenta and deep purples, but this is robey as fuck. There is a plum and dark violet at the edges with light purple foam mixed with a dark roasty center as black as Jude Law’s soul. It clearly picked up an assload of tannins from the barrel and looks like a Cab/Stout hybrid, fucking beautiful ebony queen.

Maroney is 18 now, and this beer is mature enough for her palate.

Maroney is 18 now, and this beer is mature enough for her palate.

S: The waft on this beer is more wine than stout and presents a unique tannic, jammy dryness with a touch of milk chocolate and tootsie roll smashed together. The wine and cocoa cascade over one another like dudes wrestling in a Castro bathhouse. There is a complete dryness to this and oak presence that keeps sticky old BT in check and dials back the sugars in a huge way. If you were one of the complete pussy naysayers who likes to trammel out that old “DIABETTTUSSS” joke you heard in 2012 that is still relevant to you, no beetus to be found. Srs.

Alright, before this shit blows up go toss up your tired ass FT: King Henry offer. Schemes and dreams.

Alright, before this shit blows up go toss up your tired ass FT: King Henry offer. Schemes and dreams.

T: There are dry cab forward notes of currant and blackberry at the outset, middle oak tannic presence like a Seasmoke pinot, light jamminess, thin execution with very little residual sugar presence, the underpinning black tuesday presents a nuanced profile with roast, char, chocolate cherry cordial and a sort of cacao clean finish to the palate. Was not expecting this, very exceptional. I can’t really think of any jokes to pepper this bitch up, it’s just fucking good and I was expecting far less. Shame on me for being an acorn penis.

M: As noted several times above, this is fucking dry but closes with a chocolate and wine stickiness. It is almost more wine than beer in many aspects, and again, it’s not like anything you have ever tried, I shared my only bottle so allow me to step off the hype train. ttot It’s like open mouth kissing a high school freshman and shes all into Nutella sandwiches and you are a creepy early 40s asshole drinking a dry cab, that interplay of lewd activity marries the two in an imperfect union of borderline felonius activity.

D: If you thought old curmudgeonus DDB was uncaring, I shared my only bottle of this with a person I had never met before, from Chicago no less. Old Pow87 loved it and you will too. I guess I shouldn’t be too fucking surprised that one of the four exclusive bottles is amazing when you pay $700 to join a beer club, I just didn’t think it would be this good. If AgentZero were still alive he would give this a resounding 4.1, which is essentially a perfect score. It’s a really good beer, and you probably can stop drinking those same fucking BCBS variants for once and try something new. My 2014 prediction is 19 dipshits in an Ohio backyard will drink this in 31 degree temperature and all agree that DDB was wrong and that no wine or chocolate came through from their meniscus pours. And the world keeps on turning. Happy 2014, suck on your own tits.

This beer is strange, but you secretly get off on it.

This beer is strange, but you secretly get off on it.

Narrative: Marcel Jevouire was a chocolatier with a tawdry, dark fetish. By day he was dipping strawberries and making chocolate ganauche, but when evening set he would pull out his box of spent wine cork and inhale deeply. That sticky grape, his cruel mistress of the night got his dick so hard even kittens claws couldn’t scratch it. The chocolate world was fine for children and pedestrian interests, but it was the wine world at night that got his barrels pumping hard. It was an adult pairing and an interplay of two worlds that only the most decadent Parisian could comprehend. Sometimes he would see a patron looking over chocolate truffles with a corked vintage peeking from their parcel, the tip gleaning that purple through the green glass would make his nipples erect through his mixing apron. Some would disapprove, but it was his own dark world of dry grapes and wet dreams.

4

@3Floyds Alpha Kong, Most Tickers are Beta on that Diddy Level, Time to Go Straight Alpha

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What were you doing in 2007? Probably looking at specs for the first iPhone, optimizing your shitty MySpace page, maybe pressing CDR copies for your generic post-hardcore band that you forced your friends to listen to. Meanwhile, this bottle was waiting, waiting for you to stop being a complete pussy. By most accounts, this bottle is extinct. It is reviews like this that alienate the fuck out of my casual readerbase and ensure that they stay fuck away and let the adults have a discussion, while they drink Ten FIDY or whatever normal people drink these days.

This is a beast, a monster. This beer puts the pussy in a sarcophagus. I know, on paper it is like “Alright, a Belgian Strong Ale from 2007, this sounds like a fucking horrible idea.” Stay with me now. This goes beyond busting malty wheelies for the sake of rareness, it is revisiting a page from that FFF pedigree from days pays. Time to show the betas what being alpha is all about. On a beer site. About sugar water.

Kong be flexing, gripping on white women, putting Alpha Klaus in his place. Classic.

Kong be flexing, gripping on white women, putting Alpha Klaus in his place. Classic.

Three Floyds Brewing Co. & Brewpub
Indiana, United States

Belgian Strong Pale Ale | 15.00% ABV

A: BPA clocking in at 15%? This sounds like the best idea since Hess brewed that 12% abv pale ale. The carb on this geriatric gem is minimal and pours out with this golden viscosity just sheeting for days and leaving that clear sheen on the glass like tears on Drake’s face. The honey glows this dulcet amber and pangs of ambrosial sweetness. It kinda looks like aged regular ass Behemoth does with some years on it, but a surprisingly attractive beer.

Oh great, please, show me more pics of your cases of Zombie Dust. No please, tell us how rare it is. We will wait, oh I see you have some Pride and Joy too, surely this will be an inspiring narrative.

Oh great, please, show me more pics of your cases of Zombie Dust. No please, tell us how rare it is. We will wait, oh I see you have some Pride and Joy too, surely this will be an inspiring narrative.

S: The olfactory profile on this is a bizarre mishmash moshpit of titties being groped, plums, a weird cherry quad aspect, but then honey/mild oxy paper/and a crazy floral finish to it. It reminds me of a blend of tripel and quad in execution and the slightest agitation gets it to stand up wicked pissed, tossing esters to and fro like shurikens.

T: This is a sticky syrupy bomb that has a similar slickness and saccharine opener in line with huge wheatwines like SYXX and 2012 White Chocolate. The belgian candi sugar is up in the mix, there is a tart lemon bar pastry stuck in the middle, the swallow kicks up jammy fig and bruised peaches as the whole mob runs down your gullet trashing shit like Monsanto protesters. It is a riot, the unbeatable high, the whole experience, despite 6 year in the bottle to learn its lesson and mellow out, has not learned a fucking thing. This is the type of asshole who would pants the yard duty teacher. This beer says fuck Benzino and still gets the cover of the Source. The alcohol waft is present but integrated surprisingly well. None of the oxy on the nose is present here, or it might have gotten the merciless shit kicked out of it by the foregoing mob.

Two reviews in two days? DDB IS ON A ROLL. Or I am sucking my own dick. brb

Two reviews in two days? DDB IS ON A ROLL. Or I am sucking my own dick. brb

M: Again, this is sticky icky honey, put that sugar on my tongue. This coats massively like the fair-skinned version of Dark Lord, back in the days when Dark Lord was relevant beyond duping new traders into brewery only release offloading. For all the hell that critics love to drop on Southern Tier, this is a far most viscous beetus bomb than their Backburner series, but it also is a lot more nuanced and delicious. The abv warms but doesn’t come across in a fusel waft upon exhale, it just sits there stamping hands and allowing entry into the malty gangbang into your mouth.

D: This is not exceptionally drinkable, less so when it starts to get warm and open up. You ever have one of those friends who fucking starts crying every time you guys get really hammered? Serve him this. The SRM is deceptive as shit and then you can take all the Vine videos you want while he talks about how hard it is to make a woman climax. It is ironic that an old beer that is supposed to make you feel Alpha ends up making you feel beta as fuck. Drinking 800 calories in a single bottle: not alpha. Hypertension is only alpha if you got it from doing too many drugs or being a WWE veteran or something. Sticky sweet potations: not alpha, unless you are in a rap video, then enjoy all the Prosecco you want, I guess. This beer makes you feel like a pussy, but in a good way, that “needlepoint next to the hearth” sort of way. I am ok with that that kinda vajeen.

Show that 2013 ticker this bottle, let's see him talk about Backyard Rye after you own the fuck out of him.

Show that 2013 ticker this bottle, let’s see him talk about Backyard Rye after you own the fuck out of him.

Narrative: Alphonous Konig had trained religiously for the upcoming North American Alpha Male championships and nothing would rob him of the title this year. His torn negligee tank top dragged blithely over this shredded deltoids, furrowed like wanting pumpkins. He had memorized decades of NASCAR trivia and could even call other contestants out if they had a limited understanding of rebuilding carbeurators. He purged his home of every single pillow in preparation of the event and deleted every person out of his phone with a BMI higher than 10. He didn’t need those negative influences in his life, even if his mom did call him constantly. It wouldn’t kill her to work on those obliques. After completing an advanced course in Club and Lounge Rhetoric, he felt fully equipped to demean and manipulate women into his graces. Alphonous lost last year when it was revealed that he once agreed to a couples costume, to the judge’s dismay. This year his hulking frame and vascularity would demonstrate his loud mouthed, uncompromising, short sighted, demeaning, HGH driven egomaniacal self, with top honors.

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GREASY ITALIAN CAGEMATCH: 2006 Xyauyù Etichetta Argento (Silver) vs. 2004 Xyauyù Etichetta Rame (Copper) – Birrificio Le Baladin

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Oh shit, depressed economies, flooded landscapes, lazy romantic people, and tons of hair product are up in the mix in today’s review. So if you were sleeping on the dipset in previous DDb reviews, first of all, shame on you, and secondly, read this REVIEW OF THE ISLAY FUME XYAUYU

Alright, if you have no idea what I am talking about, let’s take this from the top for the 2013 assholes showing up late to class, posting about pumpkin beers and ruining shit for the rest of us. These are imported from Italy and usually are barrel aged for 2 years with a series of blends from different barrels. If you are a complete fuck up, you will complain that these still beers DONT HAS ENOUGH CARBS FOR ME LIKE KING HENRYS. But focus on the mouthswish and not the teethcoatings and you will be ok.

Lets get this shit going, grab the Aqua Di Gio rev up that Piaggio scooter.

CHALLENGER: $50 500ml Xyauyu Silver, comes with a book not in english words.

CHALLENGER: $50 500ml Xyauyu Silver, comes with a book not in English words.

VERSUS

Damn sippin that 2004 Xyauyu Copper out of a sundae glass while getting oral sex on a 10 speed

Damn sippin that 2004 Xyauyu Copper out of a sundae glass while getting oral sex on a 10 speed

Silver
Birrificio Le Baladin
Italy
English Barleywine | 13.50% ABV

COPPER
Style | ABV
English Barleywine | 12.00% ABV

A: Appropriately enough the silver is a bit darker than the copper, but neither one of these is particularly radiant or offputting for the style. As I noted above, the beer is dead flat in both instances but that is how the beer is brewed, this isn’t just some Lost Abbey WHOOPS SEDE VACANTE $35 sort of mixup. The sheeting is insane and looks like an alcoholic Windex commercial. The clear alcohol sits like an oily ring around the edges letting you know shit is about to get real and some ex-GFs will be getting some phone calls real soon. Obviously there is no cling, no lacing, no retention and if you read the reviews, dumb shits mark this beer down nonstop for for petty offenses and then give Kuhnhenn dome on the regular for unintentionally flat beers. I don’t understand the world.

Winner: Tie, same flat chested Filipino gymnast caramel alcoholism execution

Acquire expensive barleywines, put that shit in my grasp

Acquire expensive barleywines, put that shit in my grasp

S: The copper is a bit sweeter and more decadent than the silver, but I need to add that both of these beers are some of the most complex beers I have ever tried. The layers from copper just pile up like corkboard, straight Eros stripping away those Macedonian remains. You get caramel, roasted caramello bars, chocolate, a sort of sherry and port finish to it. The silver is more of a srs bzness man and gives vanilla, coconut, toffee, toasted macaroon, and also that brandy sort of final release. Both of these are like a geriatric gangbang with hard candy and colostomy bags cast about with careless abandon.

Winner: Silver, nana knows my sweetspot

Just because it is flat doesn't mean that it cant be amazing

Just because it is flat doesn’t mean that it cant be amazing

T: Both of these beers are incredibly decadent endeavors and make you feel Fancy like Reba. This is your one chance ITALY DONT LET ME DOWN. The taste transitions from a mildly fusel front to a sweeeeeet resonance in the copper that is like figs, plums, tobacco and toasted oak. The Silver is a bit more ratchet and doesn’t give you that sweetness, you have to earn its affection like a recalcitrant Mormon girl who isn’t down with under the barrel touching. There is a sort of raisinette, dessert liqueur, dates, caramel, and a toasty roast to it that seems more refined, but less fun than the wild ass Copper straight not wearing any malt panties in the barrel aged movie theater. Damn that analogy fell apart real quick.

Winner: Copper, a bit hotter but more fun, like the Powerglove, it is so BAD.

Bust out this at a tasting with that fancy box and tickers be like-

Bust out this at a tasting with that fancy box and tickers be like-

M: These have an identical mouthfeel to them. It is this incredibly thin Utopias sort of feel to it that just warms in a decadent creme brulee fashion. There isn’t any real drying to speak of and the sweetness hides that abv impeccably. You take light pulls of this and let it get full on room temp without a single fuck to spare. This is a whole different realm of beer that some glass jawed, pussy palates cannot handle. Go back to buying King Henry’s on Mybeercellar and let the CERTIFIED CICEROAONES DISCUSS NOTES WE HAVE SO MANY NOTES. But seriously, there is nothing like this beer out there with the exception of maybe a Kuhnhenn BBBW left out at room temp, but that’s more brash so it isn’t the same. There is no oxidation and the whole affair begs to be split and savored like a marathon of Police Academy films.

Winner: trick question, they are basically the same, take them both in your mouth at the same time, Vivid.com steeze.

Straight up regal italian decadence

Straight up regal italian decadence

D: Despite my gushing and rock hard maltboner for these beers, they are not exceptionally drinkable. Lezbehonest. I crush high abv monsters on the reg and then still work my second job at Golden Corral, even I cannot take one of these to the skull solo. I know you probably COULD do it, just like I DID take the Islay Fume to the skull 1v1 and wreked it like a cheeky kunt. Overall, split one of these and you are golden, otherwise, call a babysitter or buy a Wii-U. Trade for these, splurge and drop the $50, you wont regret it and you’ll secretly get barleywine emissions for years to come.

This is foreign and strange, but I secretly am aroused.

This is foreign and strange, but I secretly am aroused.

Narrative: Giuseppe and Pietro were the best of friends. Giuseppe with his cool demeanor and love of pastries was the perfect Sancho Panza to the responsible Vespa-driving Pietro. Both were sweet and full of idioms and effusive gushing lines that were doled out with careless abandon at the finest Hollywood nightclubs, supperclubs, ultralounges, and invite only social clubs. “Giuseppe! please, you have to unbutton down to the fifth button, don’t embarass us tonight,” Pietro commented as he washed the sticky Crew Fiber off of his hands and began putting on ornate chains and leather ornaments. “We have to put out most welcoming foot forward for the ladies to be of interest and to be make sex” Giuseppe epigrammatically noted and Pietro squinted in deep thought at the profoundly warming statement. “Also, we are need to be buying more Monster Muscle Milk, because energy level and fun times to be having importance,” Pietro replied with a certain lovable panache that only a boozy abrasive sweetness could pull off without sounding like a rapist.

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@firestonewalker Velvet Merkin, For The Discriminating Gentleman with a Regal Pubic Wig

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Well, once again I went to the brewery to get this 3000 case “shelf” release, since California 1) never gets Firestone bottles until 2 months after release and 2) assholes buy them up and complain about Sucaba afterwards. So basically, fuck California. So I traveled to beautiful Paso Robles to snag some of these oaty drops. The population of migrant workers harvesting grapes for overpriced wineries was SURPRISINGLY UNCARING about the release of this barrel aged oatmeal stout. It is almost like being paid crippling poverty wages for the production of luxury goods DOESNT MAKE THEM APPRECIATE A GOOD BARREL AGED STOUT IN THE 101 DEGREE SUN. Weird. Anyway, let’s review this shelf turd and pick out the finest pubic replacement fur.

You guys, look at the subtle triangle on the box, you get it? Oh man. You don't even get it.

You guys, look at the subtle triangle on the box, you get it? Oh man. You don’t even get it.

Brewed by Firestone Walker Brewing Co.
Style: Stout
Paso Robles, California USA
8.5% abv

Label nonsense:
This is our Velvet Merlin Oatmeal Stout aged in Bourbon Barrels and it just won the 2010 and 2011 Gold medal at the GABF for barrel aged beers!!! This beer goes into the barrels as a roasty dark chocolate, coffee accented mild mannered stout and comes out transformed as a milk chocolate, smooth dark cherry, vanilla and coconut infused masterpiece. We are incredibly proud of this beer and it seems as though it was always meant to be a barrel aged brew. 100% Oak Barrel Aged

A: This is a splishy splashy watery stout affair that links arms with gentle BA stouts like BASC and Event Horizon. In fact, basically any stout from the Carolinas will know this feel. Low abv, slick washy blackness that is a deep brown at the edges, straight entry level stout game for the babypalate haters who can’t dome BCBS and then pick the kids up from school. The cling is awesome and them oats just grip the edges like that 3 year old who wont leave the grocery store because he wants Skittles or some shit. Nice carb and great retention, but it is an oatmeal stout, what were you expecting?

Go to the store and stock up on bottles

Go to the store and stock up on bottles

S: At large, the whole affair from top to bottom feels like “Parabola Lite” in execution. That is far from a bad thing. Don’t interpret that as disparaging in any way, it is just different. Sometimes a 13% Parabola right before a Parole Hearing is a bit much, we have all been there. This is like instead of going for the 911 turbo, you opt for the stripped down Cayman R. Both have a certain appeal, neither is deficient. You get a muted bakers chocolate, cacoa, light roast coffee, mocha frap meets bourbon but the bourbon is as soft as a feather duvet just lowering its head and letting the roasted malts do all the talking. Again the whole thing is like a gentle handjob that is pleasant, but will bring you nowhere near completion.

T: This again is like Parabola dialed back, a support class mage, low DPS, healer stout that provides support instead of going tank steeze. You get the toasty refreshing malts, I know that’s a weird dichotomy. There is a bit of vanilla and baby doses of char, in the background you can make out some oaky presence but none of those elements are really in the game in a serious way. Sometimes cornerbacks can make amazing plays, but they usually aren’t putting up crazy fantasy numbers. Then again I know shit about beer and sports, so caveat emptor.

It is all fun and games until that ABV bite kicks in, secretly.

It is all fun and games until that ABV bite kicks in, secretly.

M: This is the most fantastic part of this beer and the only part that excels in light of the masterful big brother, Parabeezus. The silky oats give this satin sheen for the mouthfeelings. It just coats and leaves a nice sheet of creaminess that isn’t quite like nitro steeze but still amazing and whipped up like yayo in that baking bowl.

D: This is also more drinkable that Parabola due to the lower abv, cleaner finish, and silky mouthfeel. However, that is kinda like saying that a Mercedes SL is more driveable than a Murcielago. Some things are worth the inconvenience. This is just a different tool for a different job. If you have clitoral friends who complain that parabola is too “boozy, hot, thick, sweet” or some other ignorant shit: show them this. This is incredible in its own right and perfectly executed in so many ways, but it just isn’t that big beast that I have come to love being manhandled by. You know like when the stout grips your wrists and you secretly love the dominance OH OK I AM THE ONLY ONE ATTRACTED TO MALT POWER FINE I GET IT.

Some things are amazing even if they don't accomplish exactly what was intended

Some things are amazing even if they don’t accomplish exactly what was intended

Narrative: “PLEASE STACY, that is my grandmother’s Faberge egg collection you just NO! NO!” Anthony could only watch in horror as his girlfriend gorged herself on whiskey and oatmeal, destroying their possessions with careless abandon. “OK NO, now you are taking things too far, do not push my Body By Jake off of the balcon- NO!” Things weren’t going so well for the couple, she drank more, ate more chocolate, drank more bourbon, and broke his things as a byproduct. What was Anthony to do? The sex was amazing and she was his special Persephone, delving each night to savor the succor of sour mash and destruction. As bad as things were, she was still gentle compared to her older sister, who would ravage his bent genitals on a nightly basis. “Please, I have all of my FINAL FANTASY SAVE GAMES ON THOSE! HOURS OF! NO!” Somehow, it all evened out, she was sweet while sober and a complete monster when unleashed, but he liked it that way, secretly. “EARTHBOUND IN THE ORIGINAL BOX! NOOOOO!”

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Lost Abbey RE-REVIEW update B2 CURRENT DUCK DUCK GOOZE news breaking UPDATES

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Alright, I already reviewed this batch 1 bad bitch a while back, but most 2012ers were still sucking on Ovila Quad on instagram straight flexing back then. Well if you aren’t a complete pussy, you will put up with the b2 review and nod in cool reverence for the living work that is DDB. It isn’t duplicative content if you call yourself out on it, right? Anyway, here are my notes from the new batch. If you just got pubes and need to play catch up, here is the ORIGINAL DDG BATCH 1 reviewww

This dude from Virginia put me on blast for like 6 bubbles of nucleation in the bottom. Apparently the dickriding glass cleaners from South Carolina have migrated to an equally racist area.

This dude from Virginia put me on blast for like 6 bubbles of nucleation in the bottom. Apparently the dickriding glass cleaners from South Carolina have migrated to an equally racist area.

The Lost Abbey
California, United States
American Wild Ale | 7.00% ABV

I wanted to do a batch 1 vs batch 2 review but ain’t nobody got time for that.

A: Deep orange and radiant hay/illuminated foxtails at the edges of the glass, bubbly frothy eggshell carb, nice lacing dropping doily webbing like Peter Parker down the edges. This is what was inside of Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase. In the shitty 3oz plastic cup at the release I was like “Wtf is this berliner shit?” But the bottle version does serious acidic kettleball workouts and doesn’t skip lactic leg day. Fucking pumped and complex making Cascade offerings look like a one dimensional communcations major from Arizona State.

some people will do horrible things for that sweet DDG nectar

some people will do horrible things for that sweet DDG nectar

S: Incredible fruit esters, apricot, lactic acidity, tangelo, nectarines, tangerines, a subtle sweetness and a light musk on the backend like wet hay. One complaint that I would like to address is that it lacks a certain brett funk and layers of complexity that top tier belgians bring to the table, but it more than makes up for it in the taste and mouthfeelings, addressed herein.

KBS offers. lel.

KBS offers. lel.

T: This just rips up the mouth carpet like a day laborer and lays acidic laminate like a licensed ph3 contractor. There is shocktarts, sweet tarts, lemon zest, grapefruit dryness, and a musky leather aspect on the backend that keeps the acidity in check. Absolutely phenomenal.

M: This is incredibly drying and just drills your gumline like a Peter North video. Incredibly acidic and rolls back those bicuspics and leaves your mandible aching in the best possible way. She is raw with your mouth but you wouldn’t have it any other way, you already are waiting for her to return in 3 years for another tryst in the hay. Cankersores await in the morning but it is the sweet succor of a casual duck sesh.

DDG: you prolly dont even get it

DDG: you prolly dont even get it

D: this is exceptionally drinkable despite the incredible acidity and if you can’t handle it, work your jaws up with some Petrus and take your complaints elsewhere. The price and availability of this is a complete testicle and wallet defacement that makes me longing for more. Some will take calm refuge and say that 3F Oude Gueuze is better, denial is a hella of a panacea. This is an almost perfect AWA in every way, it is not a gueuze, but it goes beyond even traditional Goozies in sheer excess and panache like an acidic ZR1 that pushes you down in your seat with sheet acidic stiff arming. Fucking phenomenal, every bit as good as B1 that will continue to improve despite the 1.000000000000000001 FG. Mark my words.

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@santeadairius Appreciation, Norcal Berry Banger on that Limited Bottle Release Game

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I have seen a flood of people requesting this shit regularly on the ISO boards and I am almost confident that they have no fucking clue what it is that they are seeking so let’s drop the mic and clear the air for a minute: you will not land this shit for a Cherry Rye. I said it. Part of my daily ritual involves waking up, politely asking the confused young man to leave, and then seeing how many more WANTS this beer has amassed. This shit now sits at a 57:1 w/g ratio and yet you still get langoliers fishing with shelfchum. Anyway, from what I understand, this was like 150 bottles and sold out instantly and my complete lack of surprise is largely due to how fucking amazing West Ashley and Bernice were, so let’s keep things going and nod in 2/4 time to Tim and Tom for this one.

Sub-200 Bottle Release, putting so many plates up, triple double no assist

Sub-200 Bottle Release, putting so many plates up, triple double no assist

Sante Adairius Rustic Ales visit their website
California, United States
American Wild Ale | 7.20% ABV

Since people just seem to be ISO’ing this beer and have no idea what they are even looking for, here is some information for the teeming masses:

Appreciation is a barrel-aged farmhouse ale fermented with boysenberries and our resident funk. After several months in red wine barrels, it has taken on a mouth-watering acidity, a whiff of the barnyard, and stronger aromas and flavors attributed to the fruit. Appreciation’s ruby red color entices, welcoming another sip, another clink of glasses with friends, another moment of contentment and contemplation. With gratitude, we humbly offer our appreciation. Sante!

A: Alright I have to fess up, I fucked this picture up. Not only is it dark, frontlit with gold tinted windows, and just shitty composition in general, but I don’t think any picture can portray how amazing this beer looks absent color matching it on a candy coated slab. The purples and fuschias just burst alives on this with amazing carbonation that fizzles away in a ruby red head. This reminds me a lot of Griffon Brux but calls out to your berries and longs to squeeze them and let the juice run down your leg. Beautiful beer once again ruined by a trifling ass beer site.

150 bottle AWA from a super legit brewery? Seems proper.

150 bottle AWA from a super legit brewery? Seems proper.

S: This is a jammy banger that brings the lactic acidic haymaker with a tannic closer akin to an acid tank explosion at the Smuckers factory. You get some deep blackberry, boysenberry, some of that sweetness from preserves jars in diners, but all of that stacked upon the Cascade levels of ph blasters. This resonates with a black cherry finish that makes me wonder how the fruit was able to wrangle the massive dryness, this beer got you that 6 pack shakur got hater tickers on flex.

T: This is exceptionally dry and opens with a lip smacking acidity and light oakiness that is barely kept in check by some cherry and blackberry holding it back like “NAH DOG YOU ON PROBATION JUST CHILL.” Again this reminds me of Griffon Brux with the cherry aspect but a darker berry fruit and massive tartness to it. This doesn’t have the saison muskiness and depth that people ride that SARA jock so hard over, but something you gotta work other areas than the jock. The tannins are massive and are sure to wipe out your salivary glands like you overdosed on MIO energy.

Meanwhile, on other beerblogs

Meanwhile, on other beerblogs

M: I made this pretty clear earlier but in case you have some average ticker Reading Comp skills, this is incredibly dry and leaves you with a coked out white tongue that it caked in some berry banger purple. This is the new workout plan for many midlevel American sours that either drop all fruit on you or just push weak ass lactic/acetyl bombs without depth to them. This will put your gumline on stress and puts in work all over your tart zones like you ate a shitload of Nerds.

D: This suffers in drinkability simply due to the fact that it rips your mouth sideways and the fruit brings some redeeming sweetness but with that sweetness comes the residual tannins from them there nonsoluble fibers that you get from banging ass berries. You gotta take the sweet with the tart though, stop crying. Also, most people arent complete assholes and they will likely share this instead of pounding it alone before popping bottles in a club. But then again other beersites might be offshelf sybian riders who will never taste this in the first place.

you prolly shouldn't drink ABV > number of pullups you can do.

you prolly shouldn’t drink ABV > number of pullups you can do.

Narrative: Talk about a sweet gig. Back in 2004, Nancy Druthers never thought that being a Facebook switchboard operator to administer pokes would blow up into a full time job. “NANCY WE GOT TOO MANY POKES COMIN THROUGH! YOU GOTTA SPEED UP THE LINE!” It seemed to her that somehow they would program around this dilemma, but, business is business. It was her dry personality but sticky sweetness that kept the Fbook staff pleased with her admittedly archaic services. She very a bit soured at the prospect of another day of dragging and dropping pokes ad infinitum to people she would never meet, however, it was mildly fulfilling. “NANCY FOR THE LOVE OF- YOU CANT TAKE A BREAK HOW WILL THESE PEOPLE MILDLY INTERACT!” She sighed and applied her cherry chapstick, mildly tart but ultimately a sweet person with a simple profile. Not on facebook though.