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Saint Archer Tusk and Grain 2, Cutting Up Rails of Coco White, Flaky White Bags of Mounds

In terms of “craft beer” all of those post-acquisition breweries are easy targets for DDB.  I have the support of grassroots consumers, cicerones, and other brewers to beat up on the quasi-corporate offerings and everyone has a fun time.  The problem with beating up on this Saint Archer beer: it’s really fucking tasty.  That really puts a wrench in the gears, I have all these yukyuks prewritten and they turn out this delicious coconut blast of Almond Joy shells that hit my chest like rock salt.

That is no fun.  Big craft shouldn’t be making compelling offerings, that makes my job way harder.  Alright fine, time to load these guys down with some frustratingly-earned praise: Tusk and Grain 2.

TG1

With all of this Floridian frenzy for Snowed In, Last Snow, Snow bunny, offwhite Snow, Nascar Snow, et al, you know other people were gonna ride that prop train.  The issue with most coconut bangers: they either cost too fucking much or are inaccessible to the point of almost not being worth it.

This is damn near as good as Coconut Resolute, but knowing this is Saint Archer you will probably be able to scoop this up at AMPM with a rollerdog

TG2

The body is a touch less viscous than Prop 13 or Snowed In, but has more sheeting than Coconut Resolute.  The good news is, the oiliness from those white flakes are not ratcheted back at all, it is absurdly coconut in a “bae is conditioning her hair” sort of way.  It offers up waves of whipped fudge, Almond joy, and almost Yankee Candle levels of quintessential coconut.  There is a certain sweet waxiness from the lipids on the finish that I ain’t even mad at.

The water profile is a touch too hard and it finishes too clean for what could have been a lingering focus on the barrel character, a pitfall that Sante Adairius falls into.  The barrel character is muted simply due to the absurd fleshy coconut profile, a similar trap that Coconut Eclipse fell into. When considered as a whole, this is a very good beer and is head and shoulders above the “pretty okay” Tusk and Grain 1.  I have no idea what this costs, but that odd “psuedo bomber” 16oz bottle is an optical illusion that fucked with my liver expectations.

If you want highly drinkable, sweetly greasy, Hawaiian Tropic handjob romps down the candy aisle, then here you go.  I would not skip this one if you see it at retail and this is even worth firing up the Fedexbux for, it was irritatingly delicious and derailed all my predictable punchlines.

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Julian, Please: South Carolina Triple Scissor Session from a State Where Scissoring is Probably Illegal

There are plenty of new upstarts in the South Carolina scene these days and JulianB was ever so obliging in sending me these releases from places I didn’t even know I should desire. Today’s reviews are a triple scissor session, three reviews that fully comply with the stringent BeerAdvocate standards of being at least 150 characters.  It was daunting reviewing a beer and writing more than even a single tweet, but somehow, I DID IT.

Pull down old glory and nestle into your Skoal dip cup for today’s South Carolina reviews:

Oh shit the C&D from Planters is forthcoming

Oh shit the C&D from Planters is forthcoming

This Porter pours clean and has a great slickness to it, shiny black like wet vinyl on a dominatrix right before you pass out from asphyxiation. The carb is generous but never grabs your crab legs or disturbs you. So far so good: this is an archetypical Porter aesthetic.

The Nose reminds me of Edmund Fitzgerald in the way it imparts roast and watery dark chocolate in parity, cascading and twisting into a double Helix of Porter genetic information. There’s a bit of a mineral waft to it hard like alkaline but it might just be stone cold Appalachian water from them Carolinas. The nose has a bit of latent racism in it, undeniably terroir from the hamlet this Porter originates.

The taste is almost identical to Firestone’s walker reserve Porter and is just classic toe to tip. The problem with this, if you perceive it to be so, is that it become unremarkable in the clinical sense: I don’t have a shitload to remark about this. There are a million analogs of this in every market and it demonstrates Seminar’s ability to operate within the BJCP style guidelines beautifully. Beyond that I would be reaching to differentiate this touchstone Porter.  Through all of this you might be like “THEY PUT FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER IN IT” but that’s my point, it doesn’t make a meaningful difference besides some oiliness in the mouthfeel.  It’s a standard porter, open up a Motherless tab if you want some deviant peanut butter content.

The IPA, however, is much shittier. I have plenty to say about that one.

such radiant IPA tones, lightning in a bottle

such radiant IPA tones, lightning in a bottle

First and foremost: this ipa looks like total shit. “Thanks for the pour of this American barleywine” you quip, but oh no my friend THAT IS A SINGLE IPA. It is clear and isn’t murky or turbid but for fucks sake look at that SRM. It is darker than most amber ales and doesn’t seem to give a shit about appearing refreshing or helpful. This is the Targrt customer service desk of IPAs.

The nose is smashed leaves, pine cones, Rosemary, a hint of lemon and a long honey sticky sweetness as though this beer was made with 100% Crystal. It feels like a session american barleywine, were such a thing to exist.

The taste doesn’t move far from the expectations set forth in the nose, a forest frolic where you get poison ivy on your tongue. All that sticky resin and tree bark drives it decidedly far away from those Citra juicy juice dreams you may have been anticipating.

the lack of quality in this photo was the medium replicating the subject

the lack of quality in this photo was the medium replicating the subject

It is anomalous to see a brewery with offerings this bipolar in execution. Two pillars of standard execution, one completely classic and crushable, the other, some huge armed Umbrella corp Tyrant hop monster. I was almost a Jill sandwich.

But what about some crazy diabetus kraken from the depths of the deep south?

oh shit you guys notice the foreboding shadow connoting impending doom, low angle implying dominance oh shit u guize

oh shit you guys notice the foreboding shadow connoting impending doom, low angle implying dominance oh shit u guize

Finally let’s review some megastout that Julian figured I needed to try: THE FINISHER from CONQUEST BREWING in INSUBORDINATION, South Carolina. At a certain point we are going to run out of metal and Cardinal names for stouts and they will be like “Walter the almost vanquished accountant: imperial stout aged in xml spreadsheets”

Anyway, this is a 17.5% abv stout brewed with honey. I like to imagine a bunch of husky dudes In black patent malt stained work shirts like:

“Alright brew bros, it clocked in at 17% abv and 1.041 FG, what now”
” we’ll add honey, oh and uh BROWN SUGAR. fucking obviously.”

The pour looks more nimble than I expected and is actually pretty legit. It sheets with clear legs but never goes full DME mess. It has a sweeeeet nose of nestle quik, fudge, mallow foam, honeycomb and cream of wheat.  Go ahead and dip your graham cracker into this one, it is a tasty campfire treat. 800 calories right before bed to give you those stress dreams you so badly crave; YOUR TEETH FALLING OUR PHYSICALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

This was actually pretty delicious and shockingly never ventured into the intensely sweet and soy sauce realm that is Derk Lerd.  Despite not being barrel aged it had many components that would lead some to think this was a cognac or rum treatment, largely the brown sugar and tobacco roastiness I would assume.  Essentially this is a beer half complete as is practically begs for barrel aging.

Make it happen, Conquest.  Stop signing out of AIM while we are mid-cyber, leaving me with these BAL’s unreleased.

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@CycleBrewing Nooner 8, Getting Kicked Square in the old Hazelnutsack in the best possible way

If you have been in the trade game for a hot minute, you will know that low bottlecount whales have kinda been the Florida NICHE for quite some time.  Back in 2011 when the world had a nervous breakdown over the 50 bottle release of Funky Buddha WIDE AWAKE, the precedent was well established, which is to say nothing of the 84 bottles of Apple Brandy Huna and all kinds of other apeshit releases.  Well today we have a 1 per person, 300 bottle release that put up world class stats in the stout game, so why not soloskull this shit and share it with no one, PAR FOR THE COURSE ON THE DDB COUNTRY CLUB LINKS

Even the nicest camera wont make someone less of an adjunct stout coveting shitlord

Even the nicest camera wont make someone less of an adjunct stout coveting shitlord

Nooner 8, Floridaland, Cycle Brewing

Hazelnut BA Rare Dos, 10.5% abv, Imperial Stout

The elongated countertop was essential to the composition

The elongated countertop was essential to the composition

A: It pours viscous and emits a frothy mocha frap foam that cascades upwards like a garbage disposal pushing your refuse back into your life.  The coating is nicely executed and stains the glass enough, but not in that weakling Central Water(y) sort of way.

S:  Even just pouring this it is a hazelnut, coffee creamer extravaganza.  It smells like some negligent ass barista dropped a bottle of torani syrup in my kitchen and just left it there.  It is wave upon wave of Snickers, Kit Kats, Malted whoppers and sticky chocolate.  I even get an odd like laundry dryer sheet sort of waxiness on the nose, straight up Yankee candle shit for sure.

STOUT BALLERS CHECKING IN

STOUT BALLER SQUAD CHECKING IN

T:  The taste is a liquified Ferrero Rocher.  If you are poverty status and dont know what that is, that is an overpiced candy that white people give to other white people at Christmas when they hate each other.  It is comically overdone with vanilla oils like Tollhouse cookies, wafflecone, just absurd amounts of oiliness to it that creates a sticky sweet greasiness like a funnel cake.  I can see people loving this in limited doses but holy fuck this goes completely overboard and makes Grey Monday seem restrained by contrast.

Just an exceptional stout, no need for concern

Just an exceptional stout, no need for concern

M:  This is nimble on the palate and doesn’t coat excessively, but jesus does that Hazelnut exercise some squatter’s rights. It imparts an endless oiliness on the gumline that clings with the sweet nutty aspects for dear life.  You know how when someone does “DONT STOP BELIEVING” in kareoke you get to laugh your ass off at them having to do the same chorus for the final 3 minutes? That is how this plays out.  I want to take another sip and it is like ENOUGH ALREADY, you made your point.  This is the hazelnut equivalent of asking someone “wait so what is Crossfit” or “so if you are vegan what can you eat?” It is going to be long laborious interaction.

adjunct stouts put ur tastebuds inthe friendzone so hard wats the point

adjunct stouts put ur tastebuds inthe friendzone so hard wats the point

D:  I killed this with relative ease but felt like a decadent 18th century French aristocrat.  This is a perfect example of a beer that will put up Calvin Broadus numbers because invariably some stupid fuck will give up their entire cellar to land it and it will get split 19 ways to much fanfare and backslapping at a tasting.  So of course everyone will lose their shit.  Don’t get me wrong, it is VERY good, it is better than Grey Monday due to approachability, but it isn’t on some next level Puga Royale/BVDL shit. Seek it out if you care enough, with 8 of these you might land an Aquavint Derk Lerd.

ONE CAN ONLY DREAM.

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50/50 Brewing Coconut Eclipse, This Beer Smells like the Pool at Wet Republic. With less Aqua Di Gio.

I always hesitate to bring Eclipseses into the fray on this site.  Usually you have a teeming mass of bottleshop assholes you want to chime in about PRICING or VARIENTS or WHECH ONE IS BEST THES YEAR.  It is exhausting to stay ahead of the pack when every time I know I have to look down the barrel of garrulous assholes ready to jump all over this tirefire of a website.  To remedy this I have elected to review the 150 bottle, most RAER deviant to prevent grocery store assholes from rocking the boat.

So they gave away one of these to each of the 150 people who showed up for the 50/50 Eclipse release party way up near Donner pass where people ate one another in the Sierras before craft beer was popular.  So rare instantly means the best right? ADDING COCONUT MAKES THINGS INSTANTLY AMAZING? Well unfortunately in this instance I can’t parade out tired criticism against adjunct stouts because this beer is actually phenomenal, so I have to holster my classic Propreeshittors rhetoric that I was so ready to dispense.  It actually sucks for this site when a brewery releases a rare beer that is incredible.  Some people don’t even understand the struggle.

Cant wait to see a bunch of offshelf ballers once again post pics "IS THIS COCONUT? SAW IT AT MY STORE IN CENTRAL INDIANA IS IT THE COCONUT THO, LOOKS LIKE IT I THINK IT IS COCKNUTS"

Cant wait to see a bunch of offshelf ballers once again post pics “IS THIS COCONUT? SAW IT AT MY STORE IN CENTRAL INDIANA IS IT THE COCONUT THO, LOOKS LIKE IT I THINK IT IS COCKNUTS”

50/50 Brewing, Sierra Mountainsland

Imperial Stout, 11% abv, fermentable coconut driving up that abv obvi

A:  I want you to imagine you had to write about what an imperial stout looks like, now make it fresh and original every single time, now do it say, over 400 times.  I am not wasting your time or mine with this imagery, look above.  It is slick, black, doesn’t coat the glass in a substantial way and the carb is beautiful and moderate.  It stays on track like a box of Pumas.

Whenever another brewery announces that they are going to make a predictable ass coconut stout I be like-

Whenever another brewery announces that they are going to make a predictable ass coconut stout I be like-

S:  This is the entire reason I wanted to write this review, because usually writing favorable reviews is like trying to fap three times in an hour, you just get worn out and sore.  Notwithstanding, holy god does this beer have one of the best noses that I have ever encountered on a stout, ever.  It is almost comically coconut in execution, like so over the top that you can’t even take it seriously in the pure reduced coconut essence.  I was like when Dodge releases that Tomahawk motorcycle with a Viper engine strapped to it, when something is so apeshit you almost just laugh and look at your friends like “does this thing come with a life insurance policy?”  It is waffle cone, mounds bar, freshly husked coconut, almost straight up pina colada lip balm, with a touch of chocolate but then entire thing is like getting greased down in a cabana by the Palms pool.  The only exception is you can enjoy this in your home without hundreds of oily Persians sipping hilariously priced mimosas.  It is mindblowing good and never hits those Yankee Candle or Glade levels where it feels like a reduction, just earth shatteringly inviting.  Galactus himself, eater of planets would spare earth if presented with this decadent potable.

Tickers rolling up to tastings with other janky coconut beers flexing throwing up B's and C's, not knowing you keeping that Eclipse heater right by the Louis Vutton belt buckle.

Tickers rolling up to tastings with other janky coconut beers flexing throwing up B’s and C’s, not knowing you keeping that Eclipse heater right by the Louis Vutton belt buckle.

T:  This carries through the excessive coconut and delivers some depth to go along with it in the form of a light roasty dryness, cocoa nibs, smo’res, and a faint vanilla.  The coconut puts everything in a full nelson so that even the barrel character feels like redfaced writhing under its fierce dominance.  I am completely fine with that, and usually I would dig in hard about how a brewery is shit-tier for relying upon secondary additions to carry the day.  I really want to reach for that e-brake and derail this review but I can’t with any modicum of reliability.  This beer is just too good to debase for a few yukyuks.

M:  This is slick and almost oily in the mouthfeel, classic clean Eclipse runs along the molars, sweetness that closes dry and resonant.  It would be an understatement to note that this is far superior to both iteration of Proprietors.  I don’t say that in some iconoclastic fashion, it just hits the mark in such a substantial way that I can’t deny it.  If Prop was the already exceptional BCBS with a 10% stats boost for a touch of additional complexity, this is a completely overhauled character.  This is so over the top that it could very well be named a totally different beer in that I wouldn’t even identify this as Eclipse unless you told me.  It’s like how you can never plan a threesome, they just seem to happen, this beer took the coconut formula, then the stout friend entered the room and you were all kinda drunk and…magic happens that you ruminate upon in the shower for the rest of your life.

The competition may be bigger, but this nimble coconut got youthful Lisa Frank swag

The competition may be bigger, but this nimble coconut got youthful Lisa Frank swag

D:  This is exceptionally drinkable albeit at the crest of an entire bottle to yourself, you will be fucking done with coconut.  If someone months later is like “hey wanna hit this Last Snow” you will shake your head in somber calculation, knowing that your coconuts were squeezed so fully that other counters will seem but pale foreplay by contrast.  This beer is apeshit and I dont care if I never try masterpiece after having this.  Vanilla eclipse was already mind blowing and this took things to absurd new heights, for anyone twisting their nips over Todd Ashman leaving to go make more BA Hifi, rest assure 50/50 is continuing to push things to new limits. It’s like when you used to take single scoop of pre work out drink and then you see what the world is like on two scoops, a jittery world of nitrates and 600mg of caffeine pulsing through your veins like Bane.  Shit is getting all too real.

even the Truckee High School class of 2018 can enjoy this oily adventure.

even the Truckee High School class of 2018 can enjoy this oily adventure.

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@thebruery Port Barrel Black Tuesday, Poppin Tannins like when Postmenopausal Baes hit the club and Order Grenache

Well it only took a solid 6 years for the Bruery to start rolling out a series of BT variants, but now we are swimming in them. We did rum, did madeira, but what about this vinous banger? This is a wildly different romp in the barrel and comes across more like the missing link between regular ass Black Tuesday and Wineification, WINUS ERECTUS. Let’s squeeze them grapes in today’s review and get lazier than a Portugese government employee

Fully turnt popping them big BALs at Kern River.

Fully turnt popping them big BALs at Kern River.

Placentaville, OC, CA
The Bruery, 18.1% abv

A: Pepper your angus, this looks exactly like 2014 BT. You know, the same nimble, clean, balanced 19.5% stout that is the best vintage since 2009. That BT. The carb is on point and gives deep dark mocha foam and jet black countenance that looks slick and more attenuated than other beers with half the abv. It drops it low in a three point stance and errybody in the brewery watching it pop them porty hips for dollars.


WARNING: u betr b alfa as fukkkkk to enjoy this beer.

S: This takes a radical departure into a realm that is not even BT really and feels like it could be it’s own beer given how deviant it is contrasted to the normal bourbon barrel treatment. There is a massive grape and red fruit aspect to it, intense merlot oak, drunk your aunt’s kisses at Thanksgiving, this beer can run through your whole team like Jerome Bettis. There is a Welch’s grape meets muddled raspberry. It is unquestionably the most fruity execution of BT this side of straight up Wineification.

18% abv, flexing hard in the trap, no keys, push to start shit

18% abv, flexing hard in the trap, no keys, push to start shit

T: The nose had the fruit and this executes in a massive port, sherry, carmelized blackberry, currant, and lingers on and on with chocolate like those cherries coated in chocolate, CORDIAL TONES. This doesn’t tread so deeply into the wine world ala Wineification itself but it sure straddles the fencepost between the two plots of land and grinds on them boards. The oak profile is the driest BT of them all, and while Madeira is the easiest to slam due to balance, this has the sheer depth and apeshit execution that would make a Sommelier start talking about degassing and floculation, running that grid all half mast.

M: This is intensely crisp and makes the regular BT seem relatively flabby by contrast, it is bone dry and leads with those grape skins. Jellys jams and dry french oak round out this chocolate desert. It is a phenomenal beer to let open up to near room temp and huff it hard. Rolling with Port BT is like pulling up with two bad bottles with you, molly and Aquafina.

Only the hardest in the game need apply.

Only the hardest in the game need apply.

D: This isn’t quite in the straight crushable Madeira range, but the dryness is what you receive in return. You are awarded a degree of complexity that takes that massive stout which may seem unwieldy at first blush, yet becomes drillable very quickly. For better or worse, you might drink this and buy all kinds of shit on Amazon and not remember it. Don’t act like you didn’t want the DVD collection of every season of Small Wonder. This beer just helps you achieve your latent dreams. Shotgun a pull of BCBS and then mouthkiss a Williams and Sonoma tier plastic divorcee from Santa Barbara and you just got the full Port BT experience. Oh you taking her home but you gotta move that carseat first. IT IS ALL WORTH IT.

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@TGbrews Toppling Goliath Kentucky Brunch Brand Stout, The World’s Highest Rated Imperial Stout Comes to DDB

What manner of cetacean sorcery do we have on our hands here, folks? This is that barrel aged coffee THOT you usually only see .5oz pours of that is usually with some attendant braggadocio shit on Untappd. Well I figured since there was a shit storm of controversy surrounding this coveted gem, might as well pop mine and get them authentic counterfeit feels.

Lamentably, mine was an actual bottle.  I didn’t get the privilege of receiving one of the ultra rare refill solara blended second use vessels from EdwardFortyHands, but I am sure those .rar Iowa Uli blends command a much higher premium than this boring old 400 bottle release.  Say what you want about them Iowa hucksters, those bootleg waxing jobs were MWAH, tre magnifique!

Enough about neckbeard politics, let’s hit the AOL chat rooms and start cybering with Kibbibbis hard before my parents walk in.

51% shareholder pours, slightly larger than boss pours. Most of the time you see mail room pours, nothing wrong with that.  The world runs on mail room pours.

51% shareholder pours, slightly larger than boss pours.
Most of the time you see mail room pours, nothing wrong with that. The world runs on mail room pours.

Imperial Stout, Decorah Iowa, 13% abv

300 bottles first release, 400 bottles second release.  Who gives a shit.

A:  Well tap my swamplands and call me David Lynch, this is dark as fuqqqq.  It has an impressive viscosity to the look and slurps out like that shit from the Pirates of Dark Water.  The carb is spot on, not excessive, leaving sheeting and clear legs but also lacing behind in fanciful archipelagos of spotty mocha, islands each a John Donne paradise of coffee merriment and pitch black seclusion.

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Dont try to tell me that you don’t remember these assholes.

S:  Usually I would tighten up my butthole and issue some blanket complaints about the roast, single origin coffee, eastern shade grown soil contents, v60 vs Chemex applications, and Williamsburg mustache implications: BUT I SIMPLY CANNOT.  The nose is roasty with a warm Peet’s meets 49th Parallel for you west coast bean flickers.  I continue to flick this bean savagely and without respite. This gives way to molten chocolate fondue, christmas fudge, Ihop cunnilingus, maple syrup, Baskin Robbins make out sessions, and closes with a fantastic almond rocha aspect.  It’s like how Boyz II Men has 4 layers of depth and that one dude who just talks during the bridge to unify things.  Outrageously good on both accounts within the parallel.

T:  This parlays the prior nose hole gangbang into real decadent facetouch bliss.  You know how when China was divided up into spheres of influence shit just WORKED SO WELL? It’s like Toppling Goliath divided up the palate wheel into gerrymandered sections of discrete pleasure and doled out a district for brownie batter and vanilla to reside, supported by a proletariat class of bourbon/toffee underlings, all managed by a plutocratic coffee roast that employed maple scab workers to fill in the gaps in employment.  The entire operation is overseen by a partiarchal figurehead that is King Pancakington IV, a stern but fair ruler imparting sweetness and stickiness upon the masses; yet stern in a wafty alcoholism to which he is disposed to imbibe.  It just works harder than a Korean grocer and puts numbers on the board in ever singly category.  It is lamentably tasty, jaw grindingly well done and WHERE IS THE LOLZ IN THAT HUH? Pass me some Half Acre, then we can make some yukyuks.

Sometimes in the darkest trades, I see myself, a disgusting beast of indefatigable want, the malts unceasingly ground in my maw

Sometimes in the darkest trades, I see myself, a disgusting beast of indefatigable want, the malts unceasingly ground in my maw

M:  This is syrupy and expands with a touch of fusel waft that is ratcheted back by a lingering sweetness along the gumline and a magnificent low body carb that sizzles like chocolate pop rocks.  I need to move on, can’t keep doling out praise, next section, maybe I can rip on this beer there-

D:  Drinkability? ah god damnit.  I mean, sure your 12 ounce, impossible to find, $300 on secondary markets coffee stout is drinkable in the manner that Charlize Theron is entirely wifeable.  Who would dispute this? The real discussion, as usual, comes down to diminishing returns.  This beer, while a paradigm of stout greatness does not extend an accessibility beyond existing as the figurehead of a toppling revolution.  The goliath being toppled is the exchange market itself as an implosion of rapacious highway bandits seeking these items out.  This is amazing, but for a fraction of the entry fee you could trade for BA Speedway, or better yet, BA Vietnamese speedway and be marginally less well off.  I am talking like “oh it didn’t have the Lambourghini logo embroidered on the seats” level of distress.  This beer exists more as a benchmark for people who need these types of highs.  It is the $4,000 call girl of the stout world, fun for a simple romp but you inevitably are left worse off.  Sure, someone fucked you while wearing a Bart Simpson mask while you had Thundercats on, YOU PAID $4000, but that just makes every other stout at the bar seem somehow less impressive by contrast and there is a steep delcine in pleasure to worth it units at this level.

Pop this at a beer festival and all them startupkit tickers come flocking, popping shots like TMZ

Pop this at a beer festival and all them startupkit tickers come flocking, popping shots like TMZ

Narrative:   Pierre Goliat moved gracefully amongst the attendees at the debutante ball, supple mahogany calfskin shoes gliding across the italian marble floor of the foyer. “WHY AS I LIVE AND BREATHE IF THAT IS NOT MR. GOLIAT!” Madame Cremetu exclaimed jubilantly.  Pierre nodded knowingly and dipped a marshmallow into the gawdy chocolate fountain large enough to succor a village of Dickensian youth.  He surveyed the crowd of elite magnates, administrative officials, and heiresses free from burden or duty.  With a calm sip of single barrel aged 17 year cask strength bourbon he thought upon the precarious nature of his position.  A meteoric rise to aristocracy as a result of a new coffee roasting procedure had placed him in ranks with these vile examples of emotionally bankrupt phillistines.  The logical conclusion for any system is the crema to sit in wispy dots among the downtrodden supporting darkness below.  Pierre returned a wave of a fan from a countess across the room and shook his head balefully.  The smell of his own coffee filled the ballroom with a knowing stench of absurd profiteering, upon the backs of the humble are the mightiest trades built.  A goliath he must now embrace, for the chocolate fountain remains ever-flowing.

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Toppling Goliath Assassin, That ultra hyped PvW Stout that People Cared about BEFORE KBBS

Them trade boards sure do move swiftly. One moment every single person in the game is pulling their labias lamenting over being unable to land the newest and hottest, next minute, that same bottle is being packed together with the other previously hyped beers to land next weeks newest whale.

This shit don’t make no sense.

Well for context, during the second week of August, this bottle was a complete bitch to land. Everyone waited to land this distributed/1000ish bottle release and turns out everyone wanted the same fucking thing: this pappy stout that no one could live without. Until KBBS came along. Until Westly came along. Until Gerbil Cum was bottled. Ad infinitum.

Anyway, let’s see if we can hit the T-G spot in today’s review.

Excessive demonstrative pours, attention seeking bullshit, demonstrating dominance with a modicum of no friends and foreveralone.

Excessive demonstrative pours, attention seeking bullshit, demonstrating dominance with a modicum of no friends and foreveralone.

Toppling Goliath Brewing, Decorah Iowa
13% abv
Imperial Stout

A: This has some heft to the pour and sheets the hell out of my 1L mug with frothy mocha foam, like a filthy barista hook session. It is midnight black and sits somewhere in between BCBS and Huna in massive coating and heft to the body. It’s admittedly a very attractive looking imperial stout, menacing and not contributing any fucks. They went HAM on this one and it shows. Part of me wants to point to the excessively flabby body and pull the under attenuation card, but it just isn’t that. It’s just a fucking huge beer in the way Double Black flexes hard and doesn’t concern itself with your opinion.

Making SARA and Midwest tickers mad concurrently is a shitstorm of passive aggressive private conversations you'll probably never see.  BUT OH MAN JUST IMAGINE.

Making SARA and Midwest tickers mad concurrently is a shitstorm of passive aggressive private conversations you’ll probably never see. BUT OH MAN JUST IMAGINE.

S: This is hands down the most phenomenal part of this beer and I could sit here huffing this like a hobo with a spraypaint can in front of a Planned Parenthood. You get massive caramel, bakers chocolate, macaroon, vanilla, bourbon soaked raisins, Hershey bar, and closes with a sort of S’more aspect without being cloying. Just fantastic top to bottom. I hate writing these reviews because how do you eke out the yuks and punchlines when it is this well done? No one wants to read some stroke session to sugar water, what’s the fun in beating off to that? The Iowa kids finally got the comeuppance they desired for so long with this one, and no butthole is going to remain unprolapsed in acquiring one, apparently.

Hard as fuqqq in the beer scene, hit up my tasting, ill be wearing Monarchy Jeans and stunting on ex-bandos.

Hard as fuqqq in the beer scene, hit up my tasting, ill be wearing Monarchy Jeans and stunting on ex-bandos.

T: This presents itself like an coked up Parabola, grinding its bourbon soaked maw over the corpse of a choclatier with tenacity. It is best enjoyed around that 60 degree mark to let that classic pappy decadence settle in, marshmellow and toffee cascading, each stout fleshlight session more satisfying than the last. I did have an issue with the residual sweetness that was begging for a roasty father figure to show it how to play catch and not prance around twirling the cocoa baton. It became a touch cloying and this aspect would keep it from absolute mind blowing status and relegates the bottle to the old “please share” section, which shouldn’t necessarily follow every god tier stout. I could drink 2009 BT by myself and still go to my dietician head held high, however, I would be hesitant to drink this without my life coach present. I have a lot of things going on right now.

M: Again, the flabby muddiness to the mouthfeel is excessive, no doubt, however it serves as a fantastic playing field to showcase the sweet and boozy aspects bumpin and grinding like a slow jam. If you are new in the stout game and you JUST FKN LOVEEEE THICKNESS BROOO OH MAN LOOK HOW FUCKN TOUGH I AM, then this will present itself like Huna and Abyss with those residual sugars and unfermented aspects that you will love. If you fall closer to the Czar Jack, Central Waters sort of preference, this will seem unfocused and brash in execution. Either way, someone is getting their nips twisted.

I would wrek this beer again.

I would wrek this beer again.

D: I could put down a whole bottle of this, I can also play Alpha Centauri for 9 hours straight and leave my children in the care of a recent parolee. CAN doesn’t always imply an imperative statement. Most people will split this 19 ways to pump their shaft, accumulate UNTAPPD toasts and accolades in a midwest backyard. I don’t roll like that, so perhaps my utility is skewed. This is certainly a very nice beer, but the cost of entry is wildly prohibitive and I couldn’t in clear conscience honestly tell you that you NEED TO TRY THIS SHIT OTHERWISE YOUR BEER NUTSACK SHRIVELS UP. It’s a very good stout and marginally better than BCBS and Parabola, but the law of diminishing returns will certainly keep me away from this beer in the future. I usually rip on the armchair ticker dipshits who pipe up with “WHY TRAED GOOD BEERS WHEN I CAN JUST DRINK BCBS” with that tired yarn, but my asshole feels like a gaping barrel of raked up leaves after landing this, so the experience becomes lightly TAINTED. Perineum jokes, got them on lock.

I #YOLOed this beer so hard, huge pour, so fukin cool, mad CLASS

I #YOLOed this beer so hard, huge pour, so fukin cool, mad CLASS