Oh great. @Hillfarmstead Art, A Beer I Have Not Been Looking Forward to Reviewing At All.

August 4, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

First and foremost huge thanks to the Vicster for donating the bottLOL yeah right, can you imagine that dude doing something selfless not designed to maximize some self-aggrandizing desire, LOL YARITE.

So after many trials and tribulations trapezing around the current state of farmhouse affairs, we have returned to the touchstone of American Saisons: Hill Farmstead.

I want to state at the outset: I don’t generally enjoy reviewing Hill Farmstead beers. Allow me to clarify before your urethra starts spewing out liquid Velveeta. I love DRINKING these Vermont gems. I LIKE making fun of the attendant shitty, capitalistic HF traders. But in practice REVIEWING Hill Farmstead beers isn’t especially fun from the DDB pulpit.

Drank this in a hot tub on a 102 degree day in Portland. What am I even doing with my life.

The function of reviewing is to leverage and evaluate the shortcomings and merits of a given work. If the verve of DDB is to present these impressions with any modicum of levity, then it’s gonna be a fair amount of hyperbole and understatement to suck the marrow out of the bone. Hill Farmstead derails all possible jokes. Generally people love the excoriating rhetoric or seeing a car fire of a beer getting eviscerated, Malty Romans ripped to shreds by yeasty lions.

Yeasty lions is the name of my new protopunk group.

The problem with most Hill Farmstead beers is that they generally are either setting the bar to some degree or competing against their own product, so how in the fuck is DDB expected to make a 900 word handjob entertaining for the nondeviants to witness? It is just a parade of praise with some jRPG and hip hop references, then we call it a day.

This would be the greatest issue that I have with Art: it is too fucking good to extract a legitimate degree of humor. I would much rather just rip on one of the “shittier” Hill Farmstead beers like a sour pumpkin ale or the Jim line, but alas, I guess I finally have to review this masterpiece. Lamentably.

Here is the wind up to the pitch:

“Art is the wine barrel fermented and aged version of Arthur (1922-2005), our grandfather’s youngest brother as well as the name of our rustic farmstead ale. In honor of Arthur, we mindfully blend his namesake beer from French oak wine barrels that have been aged and conditioned for between 1 and 3 years. This is the standard that reflects, redefines and guides the progressive vision for Hill Farmstead.”

Every word I type further distances myself from trying this beer again. I am an active antagonist against my own desires, self-preclusion becoming self-fulfilling.

Just look at this shit. How am I supposed to do my job and maintain the tart ph salinity of my vagina, when it looks flawless. I guess I could bitch that a more diverse grist bill with spelt would combat the acidity and improve the sheeting and lacing. But does anyone think that’s a legitimate complaint? Fuck no, it’s just some domineering korean housewife nagging.

The smell? I don’t have a whole lot to deconstruct on this front either. It makes for a shitty boring review, inverse to the quality of the beer itself. In fact, the smell is the only thing that Ann does better than Art. The average shitwaffle strokes it to pinups of that lottery masterpiece, fully ignoring the fact that Art is better in several aspects if not as a whole. The nose has waves of cut clementines, nectarines, honeydew, ritz cracker, and ricotta cheese. It is unendingly refreshing like having cyber sex with a water sprite.

I first opened this beer at Beer Revolution in Oakland in 2012, when American Saisons were still enjoying this nascent blissful anonymity before covetous assholes ruined everything. The comments were like “oh so it’s a sour then? No? Is it like a Russian River then? Hmm. Weird.” People couldn’t wrap their heads around this because there weren’t many barrel aged saisons, let alone executed in this fashion. Now everything is in ruins.

The smell has a much imitated balance of tropical fruity zest with acidity that strays far from the edge of tolerability. It is incredible and a beer that uproots itself due to how good it is. The consumption is an event and in itself is destruction. The experience is a discrete event that actually makes your net life experience worse having had something this well done. For that reason it is hard to recommend seeking this out with a clear conscience. You can’t go back to watching Tyler Perry movies after you have seen Michael Haneke’s best films.

I guess the most we can hope for is either increased HF production on this level or some janky readily available shasta version in the future.

The taste is dry, not nearly as dry as E. but not nearly as honey sweet as Ann. The Aristotelian mean that is better than both of those beers simply due to this swiss army knife profile that delives depth, cleanliness, complexity, and refreshment. Usually the acidity would work against drinkability, or the dryness of the barrel treatment would be oppositional to any malty sweetness. Somehow all divergent horses and reigned in by Helios on this golden farmhouse chariot. There’s lemon zest and wheatgrass, gruyere and croissant, with a lighly herbal fernet branca grassiness to the closer. What am I seriously supposed to say about this shit?

As a caveat to undermine all of the foregoing: regular ass Arthur is like 85% as good and about 2000% easier to obtain. Unless you are a completionist asshole who needs 100% trophies in the beer game, or some Minnesota Dentist who wants to buy a palace on top of HUGE PRICK MOUNTAIN, there’s no reason for you to seek out this beer. Arthur is already so damn good and the improvements on this are akin to those absurd R TYPE models of already fast enough cars where they gut the AC and roll cage it and supercharge it to absurd heights.

Drink Arthur, or seek this out after you finally patent that dual sided Hitachi/Fleshlight marriage saving apparatus you have been working on.

Narrative:

Scanning the channels of a HAM radio was a tedious task usually relegated to the loneliest of shut-ins. RF frequencies rarely led to any juicy pearls of wisdom and further served to alienate the participants frittering away their lives in leaky garages around the nation. Nathan Spaulding sipped on a cup of assiduously prepared Earl Grey and listened to the white noise cascading through time and space. Each clipped frequency was an extension for contact, a passing analog glance from a stranger. In a world replete with bodies, Nathan sipped his herbal embrace and never felt more alone. “PPSSHSHS- can anyone, please, PLEASE!” the radio hissed, echoing against the wall of the garage door. Nathan frantically gripped the receiver “Yes, this is Phantom Tangelo!” the UHF/VHF transmitter shaking in his palm. “I don’t have time to explain PSSHSHHH I am Warren Dupont, I am a produce shipping magnate who was overseeing a tangerine GMO operation to increase- JESUS JUST LISTEN, the strain is…its…are you there?” “”YES!” Nathan stammered sipping his tea, “PHANTOM TANGELO here, please continue!”

That evening Warren gave the coordinates of the most potent strain of farm grown tangerines ever designed, dizzying in yields and fruit latency. It would take weeks of scouring, but Nathan would ultimately find the ultimate treasure, the pinnacle of farm-based desires. Months later, hunched over the Platonic ideal of citrus, gripping the flawless rind delicately, he would contemplate whether science had gone too far.

@sideprojectbrew Pulling Nails, I Finally Get My Mouth on Cory King’s Goodies

February 10, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Some people readily assume that because I wasn’t a huge fan of regular/BA abaraxas and didn’t think the world of BA Sump that I somehow have a chip on my shoulder against Perennial. This is certainly not the case, and I hope today’s review communicates that effectively. I enjoyed Perennial’s light offerings, smashed that peach berliner and would bang it again repeatedly.

Since I am usually obliques deep in that farmhouse swagg, I clearly needed to get these decadent treats from Side Project in and around my mouth. Today I get to dabble in their wild program to see what the business is. Initially I was confused because people were calling this a saison, but this is straight wild, like that kid with divorced parents who doesn’t give a shit about learning long division. Buckwild on that farmhouse tip.

Don’t listen to other people’s classifications, follow you heart. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART LIKE ROXETTE

Side Project Brewing
Missouri, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 6.00% ABV

I can dance around the stylistic nuances all day long, or you can read the commercial description and decide for yourself:

“Side Project Brewing is excited to announce the release of our first blended beer, an American Wild Ale named Pulling Nails. Pulling Nails will be a series of blended beers that explore the art of blending to create beers with extraordinary depth, complexity and balance. This will be labeled as Blend #1 and it is the blend of 4 unique beers, each of which add their own characteristics to the final beer.

These 4 beers are:

Spontaneous Wild (Lambic-style, native microflora from my family’s farm) – aged 25 months in French Oak White Wine (bright citric acid, mushroomy, musty)
Flanders Red – aged 18 months in American Oak Chambourcin Barrels (tart candy, robust oak, big acid, very light acetic)
Saison du Fermier – aged 9 months in American Oak Chardonnay Barrels (citrus and orchard fruit, billowy, delicate)
Saison de Rouge – aged 6 months in American Oak Chambourcin Barrels (Amarillo hopped, pear notes, 100% house Brett)”

So in this saison, we have lambic style microflora, french oak barrels, a Flanders red component, chardonnay barrel treatment, and Chambourcin treatment with brett all up in the cut like what. Wild as Jesse and the Rippers, leather jackets and motorcycles in the hallway.

A: This looks somewhere in between a straight up Flanders red and a Supplication stand in with those amber and light garnet tones shimmering up in that tomestem. The carb is spot on and crackly with that acrid anger that hisses in tiny bubbles, kicking and revolting on their way to timeout. The lacing is insubstantial and the way the beer settles in just APPEARS sour, if such a thing is possible. There’s no hefty residuals to calm the nerves, this shit looks sleek, svelte, bone dry, and wielding an acidic katana sword.

This is a fascinating amalgamation of different elements, but the end result is phenomenal.

S: The nose is intensely tart and opens with a cherry, currant, ripe peach, them strawberries the size of your fist you see by the roadside, and sliced Granny smith. It is clearly intensely lactic on the nose, and the brett aspects are either entirely dominated at this point, or they need time to gather themselves. The oak is restrained and this is clearly a berry show, not the white wine matinee you paid to see. However, the berry profile isn’t some jammy adjunct fest, it’s like a crisp farmers market spritzer that captures the tannins of the fruits, rather than their explicit juices. Again, the cherry and subtle raspberry dominance reminds me of a cuvee of Supplication and Crooked Stave Batch 1, and this is a very good platform to work upon.

T: At colder temps, this beast is intensely sour. The depth of all those fun fruits and berries take a backseat for a moment to deep punishing tannins that beg for some malty discipline or complexity to even out their keel. Once it warms up a bit, the show really starts and a fantastic bouquet of Jamba Juice citrus, those acidic notes meld seamlessly into peach and fresh cut grass. This doesn’t present a huge brett profile at any juncture, however, there is a certain joie de vivre of earthiness like a rye presence in the closer that keeps all of the fruits and acids in check. That slightly bitter mushroom closer gives a faint oaky and metallic presence to provide a more rounded approach from the single note Cascade and Upland offerings that sometimes kick your jaw inside our and give you no solace.

It is important to enjoy a nice wild farmhouse romp every once and again

M: This is very dry and after your first pour you will feel your gums grumbling about mistreatment, asking to see HR. This strips the valleys of your mouth of that mossy coating you maintain and leaves a raw tender shell of a face, bursting with berry goodness. There is a give and take, for each sip imparts an impartial love but cuts deeper, like when you eat Flaming Hot Cheetos and simply cannot stop the mouth abuse, chaining your own demise. It is punitive but thoroughly enjoyable.

D: The formula for this could succincly be stated (Smell + Taste) / Mouthfeel, the greater the sum of S+T, the larger integer presented for the ultimate drinkability payoff. If you can’t handle intensely acidic sours, this might not be your 160 bpm club smasher. However, for those of a more solid constitution, maybe you push yourself to that realm, skull an entire bottle and let your orthodontist figure it out. This could go either way, but drinking this beer is an absolute pleasure and a phenomenal take on arguably one of the most contested styles. Nothing DDB could offer could diminish what this beer has already accomplished, a tip of the acidic bowler to Mr. King.

Now I need to reach out and get more of these inaccessible, low bottle count shredders. lick.

Narrative: The Jennings farm had seen better days, economically and agriculturally. The simple plot of 50 acres was home to the best cherries in the tri-state area for 3 generations, that is until Impact Confections moved into the adjoining parcel. Most of the simple folks in Shamsville, Missouri had never even heard of Atomic Warhead candies before they moved into town, now you could scarcely visit the general store without hearing about some new sour-based upset. “SO NOW TREVIN’S DENTIST BILLS ARE SKY HIGH. The nerve of this candy joint!” one local resident boomed, fuming while she purchased her sundries. Dirk Jennings shook his head and lamented, “boy she ain’t got the half of it, turns out their acidic stores have tapped into my underground well, now all my cherries are plum puckerin’ like a bovine b-hole at milking time.” His statement was not entirely hyperbole. The fruits from the farm had absorbed copious amounts of citric acid, changing his old farm into something wildly different. “I mean, I try to pick ’em, but my gloves get all itchy and I come in smelling like lemon zest and sour peaches, that ain’t no cherry pickin’ way,” Mr. Jennings bemoaned. The times were changing, simple farmhouses needed to adapt to the tart reality of modern consumerism. If someone isn’t exceedingly sour or demonstrably wild, the average customer might just drive right on past the simple old farms dotted along that Missouri interstate. You can ask the old Hennepin’s up in north county if you don’t believe me. The world done passed them by.

@santeadairius Appreciation, Norcal Berry Banger on that Limited Bottle Release Game

July 19, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

I have seen a flood of people requesting this shit regularly on the ISO boards and I am almost confident that they have no fucking clue what it is that they are seeking so let’s drop the mic and clear the air for a minute: you will not land this shit for a Cherry Rye. I said it. Part of my daily ritual involves waking up, politely asking the confused young man to leave, and then seeing how many more WANTS this beer has amassed. This shit now sits at a 57:1 w/g ratio and yet you still get langoliers fishing with shelfchum. Anyway, from what I understand, this was like 150 bottles and sold out instantly and my complete lack of surprise is largely due to how fucking amazing West Ashley and Bernice were, so let’s keep things going and nod in 2/4 time to Tim and Tom for this one.

Sub-200 Bottle Release, putting so many plates up, triple double no assist

Sante Adairius Rustic Ales visit their website
California, United States
American Wild Ale | 7.20% ABV

Since people just seem to be ISO’ing this beer and have no idea what they are even looking for, here is some information for the teeming masses:

Appreciation is a barrel-aged farmhouse ale fermented with boysenberries and our resident funk. After several months in red wine barrels, it has taken on a mouth-watering acidity, a whiff of the barnyard, and stronger aromas and flavors attributed to the fruit. Appreciation’s ruby red color entices, welcoming another sip, another clink of glasses with friends, another moment of contentment and contemplation. With gratitude, we humbly offer our appreciation. Sante!

A: Alright I have to fess up, I fucked this picture up. Not only is it dark, frontlit with gold tinted windows, and just shitty composition in general, but I don’t think any picture can portray how amazing this beer looks absent color matching it on a candy coated slab. The purples and fuschias just burst alives on this with amazing carbonation that fizzles away in a ruby red head. This reminds me a lot of Griffon Brux but calls out to your berries and longs to squeeze them and let the juice run down your leg. Beautiful beer once again ruined by a trifling ass beer site.

150 bottle AWA from a super legit brewery? Seems proper.

S: This is a jammy banger that brings the lactic acidic haymaker with a tannic closer akin to an acid tank explosion at the Smuckers factory. You get some deep blackberry, boysenberry, some of that sweetness from preserves jars in diners, but all of that stacked upon the Cascade levels of ph blasters. This resonates with a black cherry finish that makes me wonder how the fruit was able to wrangle the massive dryness, this beer got you that 6 pack shakur got hater tickers on flex.

T: This is exceptionally dry and opens with a lip smacking acidity and light oakiness that is barely kept in check by some cherry and blackberry holding it back like “NAH DOG YOU ON PROBATION JUST CHILL.” Again this reminds me of Griffon Brux with the cherry aspect but a darker berry fruit and massive tartness to it. This doesn’t have the saison muskiness and depth that people ride that SARA jock so hard over, but something you gotta work other areas than the jock. The tannins are massive and are sure to wipe out your salivary glands like you overdosed on MIO energy.

Meanwhile, on other beerblogs

M: I made this pretty clear earlier but in case you have some average ticker Reading Comp skills, this is incredibly dry and leaves you with a coked out white tongue that it caked in some berry banger purple. This is the new workout plan for many midlevel American sours that either drop all fruit on you or just push weak ass lactic/acetyl bombs without depth to them. This will put your gumline on stress and puts in work all over your tart zones like you ate a shitload of Nerds.

D: This suffers in drinkability simply due to the fact that it rips your mouth sideways and the fruit brings some redeeming sweetness but with that sweetness comes the residual tannins from them there nonsoluble fibers that you get from banging ass berries. You gotta take the sweet with the tart though, stop crying. Also, most people arent complete assholes and they will likely share this instead of pounding it alone before popping bottles in a club. But then again other beersites might be offshelf sybian riders who will never taste this in the first place.

you prolly shouldn’t drink ABV > number of pullups you can do.

Narrative: Talk about a sweet gig. Back in 2004, Nancy Druthers never thought that being a Facebook switchboard operator to administer pokes would blow up into a full time job. “NANCY WE GOT TOO MANY POKES COMIN THROUGH! YOU GOTTA SPEED UP THE LINE!” It seemed to her that somehow they would program around this dilemma, but, business is business. It was her dry personality but sticky sweetness that kept the Fbook staff pleased with her admittedly archaic services. She very a bit soured at the prospect of another day of dragging and dropping pokes ad infinitum to people she would never meet, however, it was mildly fulfilling. “NANCY FOR THE LOVE OF- YOU CANT TAKE A BREAK HOW WILL THESE PEOPLE MILDLY INTERACT!” She sighed and applied her cherry chapstick, mildly tart but ultimately a sweet person with a simple profile. Not on facebook though.

2011 Horal’s Oude Gueuze Megablend, Composition Fallacy Pounding up in them Guts

May 16, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

I won the fuck out of this trade. I sent a couple of bottles of my homebrewed persimmon Lambic Pediobear and got this amazing beer in return. Etan hooked me up huge with this one, super serious.

For the uninitiated, working through geuze blenders, actual brewers, barrel houses, and De (x=whateverthefuck) is a difficult process. Sometimes you end up with dank shit, other times it is Timmerman’s disguised waiting to spring that $22 trap on your wallet. Most people don’t fuck around and stick to the old 3F, Tilquin, Loonz, but sometimes you put your dick in the oude gueuze glory hole and get some acrimonious treat.

The Mega Blend Geuze is a blend of young and old Lambic from eight HORAL members (3 Fonteinen, Boon, De Cam, De Troch, Hanssens, Lindemans, Oud Beersel and Timmermans). The beer was specially produced for the occasion of the 7th edition of the Tour de Geuze, and again in the 2011 installment. I know what you are worried about, “I swear to fuck Lindemans better not ruin this shit for me, I am having a Pi Phi over tonight to watch the Notebook.” Well let’s see if this shit goes Mega on the Dr. Wily tip.

More Mashups Than a Girltalk Bootleg

Brewed by Brouwerij F. Boon
Style: Lambic – Gueuze
Lembeek, Belgium
7% abv

A: This has that classic radiant orange to it and certainly is greater than the sum of its parts because I have seen some shitty looking De Cam (flat as a sack of placenta) and some even worse Hanssens (murkier than a Kyle XY subplot.) The look makes me believe that those 3F boys had a hand in this with Boon but, appearances can be deceiving. The carb is nice but not some massive gusher, the lacing is largely abated by the acidity but it is still elegant.

No composition fallacy here, shit is better than the sum of its parts. Damn levels detected.

S: This is musky and gives the smell of oranges, lemon rind, acidity couples with rainy day bicycle seat funk. There is a certain wet compost aspect to this like dewy leaves along with the grapefruit and ph1 madness taking place. This will put your olfactory on the ground faster than Diddy’s bodyguard gets ripped out of a Maybach. That fast.

T: Again this is a strange Voltron of all these geuzezes, you get the muskiness imparted that smacks of deep age and light oxidation, some gentle persimmon sweetness that is quickly pushed out of the way to embrace tangelo, kumquat, tart tiny apricots, and a kind of green apple finish. Put your brewer master bible down you limpdicked diacetyl asshole, no one is talking to you.

M: This is incredibly dry like a super oaked chardonnay and just rips the fuck out of your jawline. If yo have ever undergone ZOOM whitening, you will know the depths of this jimmy rustling. There is a bit of a brackish finish that welcomes the next punishing sip, and I am down for the pound like Jason Collins, oh shit, too soon for those jokes? Alright, pretend I reference Rob Kardashian being a fat entitled Armenian fuck or something.

Pop this bottle at a tasting, show everyone you are beta as fuck.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable despite its acrimonious character. I put up with the hard times because the good times are so good, like fucking a Suicide Girl, you know in the end you may lose your friends and parents respect, but you keep hitting it. I would recommend this to anyone who isn’t a complete pussy, which rules out a large segment of the beer community, those who are left are either lumberjacks or don’t even drink gueuze so it will be a tough sell. Here’s a test to see if you should drink this beer, lean forward to your compute screen, if your tits are currently supported by the desk, you need to do some p90 and leave this shit alone.

If you open this, you probably believe you are some kind of gueuze hero, but people know what you really are.

Narrative: David Yost looked out over the Baltimore skyline and slipped his middle-aged face into the tight fitting azure helmet. Throughout the early-90’s children knew him only as the sophisticated blue ranger. He was mercilessly harassed by producers, but they obviously did not know who they were fucking with. Beneath the cool demeanor was a man capable of evoking a mechanical triceratops and conjuring the imagination of millions. Perhaps his perpetually matching garb and needlessly science driven banter was too much for some, but FOX could fuck right off. David slid down a drain pipe and worked his way stealthily amongst the west end projects. The feel of the cool vinyl on his skin was liberating and let him know that, despite his age, he was still a hero to many. His depth and complexity was laudable beyond the mere zord that he contributed the critical mass. Upon witnessing a hand to hand drug transaction David Yost kicked a Baltimore youth in the stomach with a swift roundhouse. The 16 year-old dropped on his Jnco jeans and David felt like he was battling Putties again, only this time with a real purpose. The vials of crack cocaine scattered and some Southpole clad youth could not believe that a white man in a blue costume was kicking the shit out of drug dealers with poise and careful dignity. As the thugs scattered David removed his helmet and bit into a ripe kumquat from the local bodega. The memory of his fallen Yellow Ranger, Thuy Tran, resonating like acid in his heart.

@thebruery Griffon Bruxellois, Adorable Toy Breeds and Banging Tart Cherries

March 6, 2013 | dontdrinkbeer

This beer initially caused a row amongst the land owning barons in the Hoarders Society. The upper class magnates received the opportunity to buy two of these awesome bottles but then THE REGULAR ASS RESERVE SOCIETY MORELOCKS GOT TO BUY A SINGLE BOTTLE. Man that must be what it feels like to watch Firestone Walker release Parabola to all the mealy mouthed masses, them enjoying world class BA stouts without even trading. But in all SRS, this beer is damn good and if you were lucky enough to grab one of these bottles, your cherry has already been popped, leaking all sour on the entryway rug.

OH SHIT INTENTIONALLY ACCIDENTAL HOARDERS CARD CAMEO. like anyone gives a fuck.

The Bruery
California, United States
American Wild Ale | 6.10% ABV

A: This is not as “dark” as I was expecting from the description, and it isn’t exactly as flat as the sad panda marketing description set forth. If you were in Hoarders, this was the email you got describing it:

We debuted Griffon Bruxellois late in 2012 at a few of our events and it was quite a hit. This dark, sour ale was aged in oak barrels on cherries, giving it an incredible fruit flavor, balanced by the roasted malt and lactic tartness. We must admit, this bottle-conditioned beer didn’t turn out quite as carbonated as we were hoping for, but it is still an incredible beer, 100% worthy of our high standards to be sold, served, shared and enjoyed!

So I was like “oh so like Otiose but flat? Carmen on cherries?” boy was I fucking wrong, this has an amazing deep crimson tone that transitions into fuscia, magenta, Lisa Frank binder pinks and….god damnit…I don’t even want to say it

robey tones.

embrace the delcious cherry hugs, no matter how tart and scratchy they may be

S: This has an incredible blast of lactic fruit roll ups, Gushers juice, tart cherry skins, red Fun Dip dust, and a raspberry finish to it. The acidity is there but complimented by a robust fruit profile. Again, this beer exceeded expectations, one of the best Bruery sours that I have had since Filmishmish.

T: This delivers on complexity beyond simple acidity, you get this round tartness at the outset like shocktarts, no acetic vinegar aspects to speak of, a deep dryness on the gumline, raspberry, black cherry, fruit by the foot, tropical skittles, and uncut pom juice, that white brick raw moving hard in the streets. This is kinda like if you cut Sch. Kriek with a more substantial sour like Consecration, really well done and balanced for days.

Bust this out at a bottle share, people be like

M: This is a bit too dry in some aspects because it is incredibly tart, but if it did not have that aspect it would likely be too sweet from the nice fruit profile so I feel that this is a happy medium that has a tannic finish like a full bodied merlot. Drink water with this and hope those old HSV sores dont be blasting open. wait wut.

D: This is like in movies when a cop is chasing a criminal and he is always like tipping over trashcans and shit, like that is a real obstacle come on. This beer is worth the chase and incredibly drinkable but the dryness and acidity is tossing these tiny obstacles in your way slowing you down slightly from going into 750ml+ levels, but this is a beer that is incredibly easy to take down solo if you have some tums and some Smart Water handy. I wish the allocation was bigger on this so I could freeze it or do some dumb shit, but srs, nicely done beer.

Try to take down a couple bottles of this, be a hero.

Narrative: It was not a lively existence sitting in a Chicago highrise apartment all day long. Brixie received the same general care and attention that other dogs in the area received, daily walks, beard combing, and strolls through gentrified areas for defecation. Somehow Brixie felt that she was missing out on something more. The twinge of her heritage pounded in her hindquarters and she constantly looked east over Lake Michigan and wondered just what was happening in Brussels. She felt like an exemplary demonstration of her heritage, yet some short sighted assholes living in a Corn Cob shaped building might fault her for not BEING FROM BELGIUM. It was their loss, her deep amber coat and tart disposition made her a favorite at all of the AKC competitions. Even the most stringent hater had to respect a Griffon with such poise and depth, that did not even shit on the hardwood floors. Brixie was worthy of veneration, no matter what some narrowminded shit head from the 312 area code might think.

Goose Island Lolita, Getting Nabokov All Twisted.

December 2, 2011 | dontdrinkbeer

Finally a wild ale even non-pedophiles can enjoy.

Lolita, American Wild Ale, 7.0% abv

A: light cherry red hues with minimal lacing and carbonation that dissipates quickly. Capri Sun nailed it on this one and Hi-C is jocking so hard.

S: the Brett funk is present with wafts of wet hay and blankets. It is expansive and in the words of one observer, “something is rotten.” In my opinion, all is well and delicious with the aroma, considering the style. It finishes with cherry and tart fruit roll up smells. It’s like a ridiculously alcoholic recess sesh.

This beer is tempting, but dangerous.

t: Raspberries are present with a very sour mild drying effect that is not overwhelming on the sour. Overall is has very good balance and is incredibly refreshing. The juiciness has a strange tart nature with a crisp nice bite to the finish. The hops are completely absent, but they are not wantonly missed. Gushers for grown ups all up in my grill.

M: Put simply, there is no coating and the maltiness is similar to a lambic or a thin profile gueuze. You swallow and bam it’s over, all that anticipation and just a fleeting sour note, like most Brendan Fraser movies.

I want to sit around and be patient for more, but, I know it will never come.

D: This is a tough call because it is very drinkable but slightly drying after 22 oz. It reminds me of listening to a Dragonforce album, where at first blush you love every note and run, you praise the complexity but after a solid hour of it the wear and tear of the items all taking place at once begin to grate on you. It is hard to fault and, just short of Russian River and Lost Abbey offerings, this is incredible.

Narrative: Lola had this anxiety in her chest. A strange aching pain that began just after 6th grade that she couldn’t explain. At first blush it seemed like a mere tightness, or maybe just a hormonal inbalance, however, she began to realize some powerful changes in the following year. Now I present this not in a biological or coming of age way, to be quite blunt, Lola could reduce her size at will. It began simply enough she would exhale to relieve herself of the constant worry and tension and note her sprite figure diminish from her regular 5’1” stature to a 4’6” height. With practice in her room, she even could push these numbers lower and lower until at the crest of her 14th birthday she could rest comfortably sweet and refined amongst her massive pillows with her things. Her iPod screen showed full screen matinees and all over her childhood possessions took huge new forms. She was indeed as Lolita as one could be, ensconced in between the comforter. She giggled to herself when her mother came in and couldn’t find her amongst the folds. She was as sweet as the day was long but she held that tart little character, and an everlasting little secret.

Lost Abbey Framboise De Amarosa, Farmboise De Omarosa be too crazy.

November 3, 2011 | dontdrinkbeer

Framboise de Amarosa, American Wild Ale 7.0% abv

A: There are deep ruby hues with some nice light carbonation and light red lacing. It’s like Hypnotiq’s baller ass raspberry flavor to be all sipping on while you’re cruising in your triple black Challenger.

S: The smell presents an intense cranberry and acidic dryness with raspberry on the nose. The oak is present in the smell and it is has a juicy wine profile to it. It’s like Andre Rose Champagne but with leather seats and a cutty ass Gucci interior.

T: The taste is incredibly drying with incredibly tart raspberry notes. This might be the driest and also the most tart american wild ale that I have ever had. The juiciness was present but largely the dryness wipes out the gumline and presents a huge intimidating bouquet of berries and crispness. The acidity is crazy and stings like an atomic warhead.

M: Again, there is an intense, huge crisp dryness. The mouthfeel seems like it’s an intense merlot with oak to round it out. It’s tough to determine exactly how thin or thick this beer is because the coating is so acrimonious. IT’S SUCH A DEEP BURN, OHHH DEEP SQUATS WITH SICK BOUNCING BETTIES, SICK DEAD LIFT FINISH BROMOROSA.

D: This is an incredible experience with crazy highs and low to it. This is not a figure of balance, nor does it do anything in moderation. It is impossible not to recommend this exceptional beer to others. Clearly, it is not meant to be enjoyed as a sesssion beer and should be treated accordingly. The taste is so amazing that it is hard to knock it for adhering to a certain style so well. Overall it is incredibly bitter and juicy and I am left wanting more.

Narrative: The train of her ostentatious gown dragged upon the split staircase with wanton disregard for anyone walking near her. After all, there were plenty of tailors within her Parlor and weekly soirees that would readily repair any damage. Somehow Countess Brioche sought more than just the exploitation of the endearing faces of the working classes. She sought their unending love. Notwithstanding, her acerbic parents brought her up to speak her mind truthfully and freely at all times, no matter how scathing. “Oh-oh-oh!” The Duchess of Piedmont fell down two stairs to her knees upon the rich velvet of Countess Briochess’s train. “Your steps lack precision due to the mass pressed upon them.” Mme. Brioche commented and felt a slight pang at her ejaculation. It wasn’t fair to cut others so deeply with such a bitter acerbic purity. Somehow, in this acidic repartee, others saw themselves, and their own shortcomings, despite the caustic burns they received. Countess Brioche looked upon a bustling courtyard of servants who despised her, but respected her stinging candor.

Abbaey De St. Bon Chien, 2006 and 2009 Reviews 11% abv (REEEEEMIXX)

October 10, 2011 | dontdrinkbeer

The Bonnest of Chiens

2006 and 2009 BFM Brassiere Bon Chien

A: This beer has a tame gueuzey approach to life that crackles with some limited bubbles. There is no lacing and this beer doesn’t give a shit. You dont like it? Well guess what, find some other things to do, this beer spent the last 5 years all cooped up and it’s not in the mood for your sassmouth.

S: This is where this beer turns it into overdrive. Wow, the smell is like carmelized skittles burnt in a pan, nice crispy sugar, grape skins, smashed up sour patch kids and sour ropes. But, refined. Like when Willliam H Macy gets all super serio. You have a sincere reverence for it.

T: The taste is like the smell but it adorns a monocle. It has mellow sour notes with raspberries and blackberry tones throughout. I want to deny that the age has a factor but wow, this is exceptional top to bottom. It dries out the gumline but in a gentle way like the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer all tactful and shit. More skittles please? Oh ok, there they are.

M: The mouthfeel just crackles with energy and snaps with bubbles that seek to punish after a lengthy slumber. Each one bursts with a refined jolly rancher note. Great acidity that has muted over time and it feels like it hit its peak at just the right time. I wish I had more money and time to seek these bottles out, this is like a vintage VHS tape of Step by Step, you only want more.

D: This is an easy answer because of the style: more and now. This has such a great lambic/gueuze feel to it and just tastes refreshing. This Oude Bruin comes off healthy, crisp, and I can feel like I ate a slew of produce, WHEN I DID NOT. But seriously, this is just an amazing crisp offering that is like a series of bites into pear and granny smith apples that you spit out immediately, without reprecussion.

Narrative: “Please just stay” he whispered to himself, waiting for the box of fresh acidic produce that would arrive at anytime. “Aiden, I really have to sleep” Maybe it was the lack of protein in her bloodstream, but she needed natural c6h12o6 hotness or this deal would never be sealed. “Wait wait Jackie, lets just watch Planet Earth on Blueray” Michael pleaded. Jackie felt her blood sugar drop steadily and wondered “did he plan this? I feel so eslaypeee.” No one ever said courting a vegan woudl be easy. Did he know that her stoic diet would disallow any form of long-term drinking? “Oh EM GEE! Did you see those Bolivian tree frogs? So crazy!” He began to cradle her head in his arms “OH GOD PLEASE JUST SEND THAT ORGANIC FRUIT BOX ALREADY!” The two of them looked deeply into dilated pupils. ::BING BONG::: Saccharrine fresh fruit goodness had arrived. The two tore the crate open voraciously and each stared into each other’s eyes as they respectively sucked tangelos clean under the dulcent tones of David Attenborough’s narration.

Lindeman’s Framboise, 6% abv, Raspberry Massacre

October 5, 2011 | dontdrinkbeer

: Raspberry Trainwreck

Framboise lambic lindemans

A: There is a deep ruby red purple color with a fuchsia head with no lacing, it just sits there, nonplussed.

S: There is a huge raspberry and skittles nose with juicy berries and roses. Far more juice and sweetness than maltiness and beer. This seems to be a flaw as the nose is just sweet with nothing else to offer.

T: There is a huge juicy presence with no alcohol waft just complete wine profile with no oak just juicy juice that is kinda cloying after a bit. I wonder if this would be better as a cuvee or maybe just not ordered at all. It is difficult to say.

M The mouthfeel is thin with no hops, the only thing that I notice is a sticky coating with weak tannins. This is that birthday party for beer elements where if a real beer showed up, it would feel all awkward because 11 year old dudes were playing Mall Madness.

D The profile is not meant for long sessions. Even my 12oz romp was enough for me. This “beer” was weak and far too sweet. I know I am supposed to judge on style but this is just nonsense, don’t drink this. Go drink a cup of juice and save your liver the paperwork.

Narrative: Eliza’s 6th grade science project seemed to be going to well. She had an impeccable tristand board with exhibits and visuals and graphs. The hypothesis seemed well ordered and- what the, “WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF PINOT NOIR ON AN 11 YEAR OLD?” Ok, that is when things maybe took a downtown. Eliza showed up visibly drunk, not unlike a Portugese schoolgirl. Her teeth were stained blackberry purple and she kept leaning on the judges, physically not figuratively. While her study was technically sound, her parents shook their heads in disbelief when she began crying and attempting to go through her phone. Notwithstanding, she confirmed that Pinot Grigio made girls of all ages and dispositions emotional wrecks. She took second place to a Vietnamese child whose water acidity exhibit was clearly put together by his parents. Also, they were not drunk.

The Bruery Pinotlambicus, 8.2% abv

September 25, 2011 | dontdrinkbeer

Pinot is all juiced up.

Pinotlambicus, the Bruery, Wild Ale/Sour, 8.2% abv

A: This beer looks like an Arnold palmer with a murky dull yellow/light brown.
There is absolutely no lacing and no carbonation except for some wispy middle bubbles.
It appears similar to a cider and just looks reticent to get all dolled up for the drinker.

S: The nose gives smells of funk, and very light citrus.
It doesn’t really have much vitus in this vitus series.
There’s definitely some green grapes and lemon zest but, nothing too amazing.

T: The taste has a bit of a prickly taste to it with tart white wine notes.
It is not overly drying or overly crisp. There’s some mild carpety finishing notes that may be some acetyl
business going on but it isn’t a big enough carpet business to warrant filing with the state.
It really isn’t that complex but it is pretty good, not amazing.

M: The mouthfeel is very thin similar to a light wit bier or a Belgian blonde base.
It is not overly coating and it doesn’t dry too much. The mouthfeel kinda phones it in,
imparts the tartness and then quickly takes off to handle
other affairs like giving me diarrhea. You know, important matters.

D: This is incredibly drinkable and it would be refreshing around the pool with all the girlfriends.
Plus the crispness wont leave you bloated so you can fit into that Marciano dress you just bought.
It is a bit too funky and tart to have a place in colder weather but it would be a sick brew
at Havasu when things get all gnar gnar on the cutty boats.

Narrative: “Hey Coco?” the light from the upstairs shone down into the basement
where Mike Washington’s secret resided. He walked down holding a bundle of green
grapes shaking them alluringly about the habitat that he had crudely constructed.
“Cocooooo, dinner time!” suddenly a rubicund little koala scampered down the silk
tree and snatched the fresh concord grapes from Mike’s hand. “Omm nom nom ommm nommm…”
the crude little koala gnashed and smashed the grapes sending skins and juice flying
pell mell. “Who would believe them if I told them, that I had an alcoholic little
koala in my basement. No one, that’s who, you idiot Mike.”
He shook his head and poured a small amount of Bordeaux into Coco’s bowl and watched
him lap it up hungrily.
Coco’s coat was stained with smashed grapes, tannins, and splashed wine. He looked
like a homeless koala with an affinity for Charles Shaw, but Mike loved him all the same.
Besides, a filthy grape addicted koala was just what he needed to jazz up his otherwise
mediocre life. “NO COCO! BAD COCO!” he cried out as Coco began to give the business to
an old Cabbage Patch doll. “You’re a marsupial, that’s totally non-canon!”

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Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

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