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Seven Ales Only Lagers Will Understand! NUMBER THREE IS SO TRUE

If you have ever tried to figure out some ales, THEY SEEM IMPOSSIBLE, it’s like what really is the DEAL?  Fortunately some lagers will totally understand.  Today we have compiled a super nostalgic list of ales that only true lagers will understand:

1) Hill Farmstead/Blaugies – Le Sarrasin

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/06/06/hillfarmstead-an-incredible-blaugies-job-by-way-of-vermont-sarrasin-slays/

WHO HASNT BEEN THERE

At first blush, you might not really GET what this ale is all about. Unless you are a monocelled bottom fermenting culture, you probably won’t be able to wrap your head around this ale.

2) 2007 Drie Fonteinen Hommage

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/04/26/drie-fonteinen-hommage-paying-hommage-to-all-my-broken-bottles-lost-in-shipment-rip/

EVERY TIME

Many people will give up because they cant wrap their heads around this one.  That’s largely due to the fact that they are humans and not a cultural strain of Saccharomyces pastorianus. It’s hard to hold it against someone for not being a lager yeast, you wouldn’t understand.

3) Dark Horse Bourbon Barrel Plead the Fifth

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/04/08/dark-horse-brewing-company-bourbon-barrel-plead-the-5th-i-choose-not-to-exercise-that-right-in-light-of-tasting-this-beer/

I STILL DONT GET IT

Most people will look at this ale and see a stout made with an ale strain then aged in bourbon barrels: they couldn’t be more wrong.  If you are a lager you will see this ale for what it truly is, simply by virtue of being isolated and described in 1904 by the Danish mycologist Emil Christian Hansen. Everyone else just wont understand.

4) Logsdon Peche N Brett

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/01/14/logsdon-farmhouse-ales-peche-n-brett-get-ready-to-get-your-peaches-gripped/

I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT

Sure you might be like “this isn’t a lager” and you would be right, but that doesn’t mean you come within a country mile of seeing this beer the way a true lager would.  You can rattle off some facts but you wont get it unless you spend your life as a diploid organism. Fake “non-allotetraploid”:haters need not apply.

5) 1996 Alexander Rodenbach

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/08/24/1996-rodenbach-alexander-keeping-teenagers-in-the-cellar-and-exploiting-them-years-later/

I CAME CLOSE TO GETTING THIS BUT NOPE IM NOT A LAGER

Listen. I am a human being. I dont have four copies of my genome, I cant be expected to know anything about this beer from 19 years ago. I tried my hardest but I just can’t lager, like not even that much at all.

6) Troegs Splinter Gold

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/08/20/troegs-splinter-gold-nugget-nectar-aged-on-real-gold-psyche-just-a-rare-wild-ale/

I GAVE UP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THIS ONE BC NOT A LAGER

If you are close to being a lager, you might be like oh Splinter Gold is Scratch #3-2007 with a slow rest in oak wine barrels dosed with brettanomyces. During a two-year aging period the horsey flavors of the brett combined with the Westmalle yeast used during primary fermentation. AND YOU WOULD BE TOTALLY WRONG.  A real lager will understand this ale with a depth and complexity that human faculties can only imagine, separating the time-oak aging space continuum.  Despite years of research by Jack’s Abby, we still know more about the ocean floor than we do about the true nature of the lager.

7) De Struise Five Squared

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/08/21/de-struise-five-squared-130-euro-bottle-25-abv-gucci-mane/

I DONT KNOW WHAT I CANT EVEN LAGER

I tried, I really did but I think it’s pretty clear I am no lager.  I can’t be expected to fully get this beer.

WHOA TALK ABOUT A SERIOUS LAGER BLAST! We can only hope to use our limited faculties to really try to grasp the foregoing ales.

2

Is Cantillon Blabaer 2013 the Head-on Berry Collision that Complainers Like to Make it Out to Be?

Ddb reviewed Blabby back like four years ago or some shit so we aren’t going to retread that ground in full at this juncture.

Here knock yourself out:

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/02/08/cantillon-blabaer-after-an-entire-year-of-searching-i-finally-land-my-white-whale/

LOL TUMS BC ACID GUIZE GET IT #firstjokes

LOL TUMS BC ACID GUIZE GET IT #firstjokes

But what about those infamous “off” vintages? Every three years, meatsweatted cicerones will capriciously decide OH NO FUCK BRO THAT YEAR SUCKS MY HOME BREW CLUB AGREED TOO.

This happened with Flora b6, it happened with Fantasia b2, the NOTORIOUSLY SHITTY Cable Car 2010: none of this makes any sense. Nine times out of ten, the complaints hover around “BRUH it wasn’t even like as sour as I remember, making something more sour is a demonstration of true breW skillz.”

Flora b6 was a touch less sour sure, but posting ISOs specifically like “ANY FLORA BATCH EXCEPT THAT HORRIBLE BATCH FIVE THAT I KNOW IS TERRIBLE” makes no sense. Flora is still fucking delicious.

The glass upskirt is second only to placing the bottle ontop of the glass in stupid beer photography

The glass upskirt is second only to placing the bottle ontop of the glass in stupid beer photography

The greatest victim of this paradigm is tattered old Blabaer 2013. Somewhere along the line people ruled that blabaer must be X2OMG sour and intensely Smuckers and if it isn’t, then JVR really shit the bed on this one.

Blabby already exists as a trade anomaly on so many levels. It often exists as a crown jewel for a first or second year trader to “accomplish” a badge of blueberry merit, to validate their face hole. These same people toss up 8:1 offers and covetous hoarders tear them down.

Those same stupid dipshits who hoard blabaer are actively trying to trade them upwards for Pikku or an M or some shit. This will never happen for the simple reason that: everyone only needs to try Blabaer once.

That isn’t to say it isn’t good, but traders of a certain experience know to never actually drink a Blabaer when St. Lam is far easier to land and tastes better. Therefore bottles of blabaer never move downward, but they can never move upward either. They sit and malinger until someone wants to stunt hard as fuck at some brewery event and live on in infamy in UNTAPPD reviews. WOW Herbert Spencer, such legacy achieved, sociological immortality.

"BRO IF NO ONE LIKES THEM SEND TO ME 4 PROPAR DISPOSALS LOL AMIRITE"

“BRO IF NO ONE LIKES THEM SEND TO ME 4 PROPAR DISPOSALS LOL AMIRITE”

So within this climate you have two poles of raters: 1) bitter assholes who traded a ton for it and were “forced” to open it and share it with ignorant cretins and 2) unappreciative shitlords who failed time and time again to land it and now want to engage in some growing pains of iconoclasm and take poor blabby down a peg,

So yeah, if you pour 2013 Blabaer amongst 15 people it won’t be as aggro sour, it won’t be as fruity, but it is even more interesting in its musky tannic vibe. So within the scope of 1 ounce within bitter BJCP turd hammers, it will become the “bad” vintage.  It is still a phenomenal beer and one should look at groupmind “consensus” with a grain of gose.

Fire up a dare form tab and get over it. Beer itself and beer people get worse with every passing day, fading away in cellars and basements, respectively.

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PLUM WATCH 2015: @hillfarmstead Flora Plum, Cleaning Up Harmful Free Radicals with Beer

Been getting that Vermont trim on the reg lately, keeping the farmhouse flows going. I recently dropped that Flora B/B review and I think people were needlessly harsh on what was a pretty legit, if not earth shattering, offering in the pristine Flora lineup.  Then, Flora cherry dropped this week and the things VT traders are demanding has me posted in the LOLNOPE cut with unflinching repose. But what about this rarity, Flora with them juicy plums? Let’s prune the fuck out in today’s review

Get Ticks or Dyin Tryin

Get Ticks or Dyin Tryin

Hill Farmstead, ArizonaLOLPSYCHE Vermont
Barrel aged saison with plum, 6.5% abv

If you went into this shit with expectations of seeing some frothy violet extravaganza, I urge you to actually look at what color a plum is after you bite into it. I get this same stupid fucking complaint from those cicerone assholes who judge how much fruit was used based on the srm. “You can tell kiwi herman was barely fruited BC it wasn’t even green like at all.”  This looks almost identical to regular Flora with a slightly darker orange hue to the center and a more refined carbonation. They used a weird Duchessic style flange on the underside of the cap that felt like a .38 special round popping that bad bitch open in the club.

Picture me writing lines knowing Draft Magazine will quote it, when I die they gone read DDB an say a genius wrote it

Picture me writing lines knowing Draft Magazine will quote it, when I die they gone read DDB an say a genius wrote it

The nose is far more acidic and tart than I was expecting and the pendulum swings away from gentle approachable Flora and more into the Fou/Emptiness series from Tired Hands. You get lemon, lime, wheatgrass, cut nectarines, pluot and kumquat. Oddly it finishes with this pithy Glade smell that reminds me of the persimmon beers we have all had. It is very pleasant and feels like a liquid sun-drenched hammock in intensity.

The taste delivers on the acidic threats to the point that is almost unnatural for those HF boys, but somehow pulls it off. In the mutton busting world of wrangling lacto strains, it is easy for shit to get out of pocket but this is more creamy and tart like lemon meringue and pineapple juice. It has a wheat grist to the mouthfeel that allows the acidity room to breath and contributed a frothy aspect that embraces the plum tannins lovingly. If you have ever ate a shitload of Rainier cherries you will know that sweet dryness that the skins will impart. It is intensely crushable but jockeys for your reflection, you’re getting mixed messages because Flora is wearing a low cut shirt and telling you not to focus on them plums but they are like right there come on now.

You go to the bottleshop but you never cop nothing, all your untappd reviews are shared ticks and you need to stop frontin

You go to the bottleshop but you never cop nothing, all your untappd reviews are shared ticks and you need to stop frontin

The Emptiness series from Tired Hands comes to mind when approaching this beer in the distinctively AWA character, fruity juicy interplay and all around intensely drinkable character.  While I enjoyed Satsuma Flora more due to its stripped down simplicity and fresh squeezed pith, I can see most people who love ramped up acidity to say that this is the best fruited beer that Shaun has produced to date. At a certain point it becomes a Mountain Dew Baja Blast versus Code Red preference debate. Both are exceptional at 6th grade slumber parties.

such beer knowledge, wow, comparisons, many tastes

such beer knowledge, wow, comparisons, many tastes

All available analogues will be equally hellish to acquire, 500-800 bottle count 1-2 per person nightmare trades so, have fun on those boards and do your anal kegel exercises.  Be prepared for the Vicster to officiously show up and tell you that you need to add a Zomer or some shit.

0

I Went to the @smogcitybeer Black Currant Saison Release and Didn’t Even Die Once

If you have been keeping pace with old DDB, you know that I have been riding Smog City’s recent releases like a bucking sybian.  When they announced that they were doing a black currant saison, I got fully torqued and had to go to the ER after I had an erection that lasted longer that 4 hours.

The place was packed but there was an alarming paucity of neckbeards, much to my dismay

The place was packed but there was an alarming paucity of neckbeards, much to my dismay

I showed up late like an asshole and the place was packed.  Even with several pouring stations, the brewery has been picking up steam and there was a dearth of beta casuals and normal people.  The average BMI was well below 35, which is pretty disappointing, but I guess normal adjusted people need to drink beer too.

The kumquat saison was pretty pithy and oily, tart and akin to SitR Kumquat, but with a more watery finish.

The kumquat saison was pretty pithy and oily, tart and akin to SitR Kumquat, but with a more watery finish.

I walked in like an entitled dipshit with a magnum of Equipoise and for some reason people lose their fucking minds when you have a large format beer, even if it is barely a mag. People were all touching on it like Johnny Gill at a New Edition concert.

I was trying to snap pics of that dreamboat in the back but this delicious mixed fermentation saison got in the way

I was trying to snap pics of that dreamboat in the back but this delicious mixed fermentation saison got in the way

Equipoise was legit and ultra refreshing since the tasting room’s temperature was somewhere just north of hot as balls. Didnt really get any melon, faint brackish aspect to it, crisp and cheesy, I could merk the entire 1.5L and not even feel bad about myself.  I mean, I would feel bad about myself for other reasons, the usual ones.

The 240 bottles of this beer sold out instantly. Fucking typical.

The 240 bottles of this beer sold out instantly. Fucking typical.

When I saw the jammy magenta hues looking like a Lisa Frank binder I braced myself for some Smuckers extravaganza, but god damn it is this beer phenomenal.  It is dry, tart, tannic, bursting with blackberry jelly and acidic black cherry skins.  It toes the line of exceptional balance that you find in VSB and SHBRL where it is fruit forward without being overly sweet or cloying.  God damn it, this beer slays on many levels.  It is hardly a saison and puts a distinct American Wild Ale foot forward.  I would have enjoyed more brett C or musk from this, but at this point it’s like being angry about the spoiler on your Murcielago. Pithy ass complaints from a beer dipshit.

They were taking that world class Barrel Aged OE and making Old Fsahioneds with it.

They were taking that world class Barrel Aged OE and making Old Fsahioneds with it.

I fucking love BA OE, but that is already well established. When I saw they were making cocktails with it, my initial reaction was eye rolling and images of foodie dipshits trying to bridge the gap into the baller ass beer world.  I was wrong again.  They took the dank ass barleywine, added bitters, and flambeed an orange peel to open up both the bourbon aspects and underscore this awesome Grand Marnier/Sweet Brandy sort of interplay.  The beer was sadly degassed through the treatment but ZFG because the drink was awesome. Being a skeptical asshole did not pay me any dividends on this outing.

I usually facepalm when someone brings up "beer cocktails" but I will give this a pass because it was fucking delicious.

I usually facepalm when someone brings up “beer cocktails” but I will give this a pass because it was fucking delicious.

The whole event was dope, but then to polish things off they busted out their barrel aged imperial coffee stout, Infinite Wishes.  While I thought “The Nothing” was underwhelming, this takes shit to a whole different level.  It is substantial, frothy, hefty, and delivers a wallop of bakers chocolate and deep dry roast.  While I used to be indifferent to Smog City’s core offerings, their new barrel room releases are causing me to trip not an insubstantial amount of balls.

Peep those low ass fstop values oh fuuuuu

Peep those low ass fstop values oh fuuuuu

I can’t go to the May 30th release, someone send me that shit already.

5

Domingo 7: La Micro Brewing Co, BUHO Amber Bock, Wet Costa Rican garbage washing up on my doorstep

Sometimes I get donation boxes.  You will be able to spot them a mile away because it will be a review of something that makes no fucking sense on this site, like a random Idaho brewery that someone wants me to give an honest appraisal/dress down of their local favorites.  Some of the readers in Costa Rica wanted me to try their new local jams and comment on how their craft scene is budding on the post-imperialism island.  First and foremost, if I lived on an island paradise, the last thing I would give a fuck about is the Reinheitsgebot.  Secondly, the highest rated amber bock in the entire world is a less than mediocre score globally.  At any rate, here’s an obscure shitter from the Carribean, LOWWW LANDS LOWWWW LANDS AWAY do me johnny bolger do.

VERMONT GLASSWARE!? Already disrespected right out of the gates.

VERMONT GLASSWARE!? Already disrespected right out of the gates.

Bock, 5.8%

Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico, I dont atlas

A:  This label looks like someone is stroking it hard for Geddy Lee, either that or CR is just getting Rush.  I can see all these islanders sipping German lagers in their Starter jackets.  Admittedly this is a very pretty beer, substantial carb, graceful lacing, deep amber and mahogany hues.  But if that crazy ass hairdresser you used to date is any indication, sometimes the worst things are beautiful on the outside.

Try as we might, DDB cant polish this mediocre shit.

Try as we might, DDB cant polish this mediocre shit.

S: The nose is gristy, sweet caramel, walnuts, a touch of estery clove, but mostly like roasted sugars with a conspicuous wateriness to the profile.  This is one of those types of beers that late 90s beer fan dipshits would point to while saying shit like “THE MODERN CONSUMER JUST DOESNT APPRECIATE NUANCE” and all those tired ass phrases.  I get it, trust me.  I know what bocks should be, I have had upwards of 8 in my life.  I can make jokes about Capricorn, BECK, all kinds of shit. This just isnt particularly interesting. Sorry if you just dropped your 2003 issue of DRAFT magazine while reading that shocking revelation.

I bet back in the pre-Stone days people drank Bocks and thought they were on some Radio Rahim shit.

I bet back in the pre-Stone days people drank Bocks and thought they were on some Radio Rahim shit.

T:  This continues with the toasty, nutty, almond character but introduces this out of place sweetness like nutella and that sort of conspiculously Michelob hand in things.  If I didn’t know better, I would swear this was literally a craft subsidiary owned by a macro rebrander because it pangs of all the staples of that shit: boring styles, easy to produce, low production costs, classifications that were relevant in the early 2000s which is about where the macro producers still feel safe in placing their palate projections.

The sweet notes show up and you know you are about to get lazy H'ed by three fictional breakfast cereal mascots

The sweet notes show up and you know you are about to get lazy H’ed by three fictional breakfast cereal mascots

M:  This is lager thin, for obvious reasons, exhibits a watery aspect and a lingering boring sweetness kinda like pumpernickle.  Again, this is marginally better than Yuengling Bock and I know I will have to field PA complainers who still crank down for that beer.  I guess it’s like having a girlfriend who is consistent, moderately sweet, but whose amiability cloys over time and with every passing Amateur Allure tab you open, you seek something wilder, less stable, more apeshit.  Like that crazy hairdresser.

D:  This is admittedly drinkable and offers more complexity than straight adjunct lagers but, at this point you are doing the Jeremy Bentham ethical calculus and the calories simply are not worth it for the taste and enjoyment of these 170(?) calories.  You can find far shittier beers, but if you read this site you are already hitting the cervix of the beer world, discomfort setting in for all parties.  If you are this deep, you dont need the Latter Day Saint foreplay of some mediocre bock, you are Max Hardcore.

DDB is here to tackle the real controverises, settling srs hot button issues

DDB is here to tackle the real controverises, settling srs hot button issues

EDIT: I know where Costa Rica is.  I realize it is not an island.  Please stop messaging me about the geography of that South American country.