Area Man Enjoys Local Brewery, Believes it to be the Best in the World

November 11, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

SPOKANE, WA

Associated Fermentation Press

Billingsly delivering his earth-shattering announcement

Area Spokane resident and National Forestry Service employee, Jon Billingsly, made the unprecedented determination that his local brewery, Iron Goat Brewing Co., is the best in the entire world. “I been coming to the Goat for, shit, three years now, nothin else compares,” Billingsly noted while enjoying a pint of “Trashy Blonde”, “I mean, they got a porter on, a scotch ale on AND an irish red, at the same damn time. Who else is doin’ what the Goat is doin?”

Pictured above, purveyors of the best beer in existence.

Billingsly admitted that he had not been to any other brewery aside from B.J.’s outside of the greater Spokane area, but defiantly stood by his sweeping appraisal that no brewery of greater quality could possibly exist. “I don’t need to go to France and try Belgian beers or German triples or whatever, shit, they just put a keg of Cap’n Kidd wee heavy on, you seein this shit?” Billingsly gesticulated while spitting Skoal into a nearby pint glass, “plus they tell my wife I ain’t here when they got the live music goin on Tuesday nights, who else does that for a guy?”

When presented with innumerable other breweries or suggestions that could undermine his position, Billingsly remained recalcitrant. “‘Drink local’ alright, local is always gonna be best. No doubt in my mind. And hell, if your local ain’t like Iron Goat, well then, you’re shit outta luck buddy because we already got the best,” Billingsly noted and began pumping his fist when the local cover band, “The Shit Kickers” began playing an Eric Church song.

pictured above, the pinnacle of beer progress as we now know it.

Owner, Greg Brandt, sagely commented, “We named Iron Goat after a famous goat in Spokane who eats garbage. Our ‘Garbage Pale Ale’ is named after that same goat. You tell me another brewery with that degree of self-awareness and connection to the community. the Iron Goat stands by Jon’s ruling.”

At press time the Iron Goat had just tapped a keg of “Punkid Punkin Ale” and Jon Billingsly nodded in solemn affirmation, resolute in his convictions, noting “there’s not a doubt in my god-damned mind.”

Trillium Brewing Just Got 5 Hop Cones in the Source: Hot in those MA Streets

October 22, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

If you are like me, you are sick to your perineum of hearing about hoppy beers from the Northeast. Every other week it’s some new whipped egg yolk looking DIPA pitched with London Ale III strain or something unclarified with tons of messy ropes like cum in a hot tub. I get it, everyone wants their own Huddy Trooper riff. Usually the coat tails are gripped so defiantly that it is hard to separate the cone from the chaff and the prospect of taking a fedex flyer on hoppy beers from across the continental U.S. is not an inviting prospect.

These Trillium beers though, God damn.

Without qualification I can say that these are absolutely worth your time and I would be shocked if your unknown local brewery crafting beers out of a revamped Red Robin on some shitty third owner brewpub system are making anything like this.

beers taste better bokehed

At the outset the innumerable list of hoppy beers from Trillium appear samey in execution, but each shines in a distinct fashion. Melcher street is the more herbal and grassy companion on this Massachusetts stroll through dandelion fields. This is a stern east coast response to the likes of Societe’s Pupil. This pushes for angiosperms, conifers, and apricot on the closer.

trub a dub dub

No matter where you stand on the haze vs. isinglass debate, Melcher street tastes phenomenal and finishes creamy with a long sappy resin like a freshly stained deck. I can’t wait until someone with better distribution bites this style and does it marginally worse because I need this to be sitting on shelves, no courier intermediary needed.

the meringue whip

Sleeper street is aptly named for much of the Trillium canon at this point. Sure you see ISOs for these, but I usually wait for the galvanized steel of hoppy beers to cool before I go treading upon unproven paths. This beer is not as good as Melcher but it still shows a capacity for variety within even the style that doesn’t usually get praise for nuance or depth. This has a kind of menthol and minty Sazerac 18 kind of woodiness going to it. There is a leafy oiliness to the mid palate and it feels earthy but still wholly refreshing like a woodruff shot or a fernet branca spritzer.

poppin shots at them MA haters

So in sum, this is a throwback of sorts to the Hoptimum era of massively resinous IPAs but ensconced in the framework of the frothy turbidity of the modern era. It’s like when Brendan Fraser emerges from the past in any one of his movies where he is a guy who is emerging from the past to adapt to new circumstances. Pick one.

SHIT JUST GOT REAL

But is that DIPA game strong tho? A resounding affirming head nod shatters my c1 in this regard. Upper Case is hands down my favorite offering from them and it heismans others squarely in the collarbone by taking the messy DIPA framework that HF Double Galaxy presented and presses it to an oddly refreshing realm. Usually these are hardly what you would reach for when you seek satiation.

“We hear you guys are digging our hop forward beers…so we busted out another double IPA to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. UPPER CASE has a delicate, dry pilsner malt character with a smooth, soft, doughy mouthfeel from the raw wheat, oily hop resin which all serves as a canvas for this twice dry hopped 9% double IPA. Overipe mango, pineapple and passion fruit aromas leap out as the beer is poured. The impression of tropical fruit also takes the lead in the flavor which is layered further by white wine, pine resin and grapefruit zest. Hopped primarily with Mosaic with supporting roles played by Galaxy, Citra and Columbus. We figured there will be considerable interest, so brewed 3 batches!”

I mean, god damn it. Sure this is not as balanced as the “perfect” DIPAs like Kern River Citra or HF Ephraim, but it is a novel entry into a sort of almost farmhouse meets ultra hopped 2 row realm.

just look ffs

I know your local realm has fresher, awesome DIPAs. No one is contesting that, but it likely doesn’t have this guava and pine explosion, it doesn’t have this grapefruit puree pressed through autumnal foliage, the ride on mower sits absently longing for the grow season, and this beer is the reductio ad absurdum of those devices. Absolutely top notch.

honorable mention

Not to appear one note: brewmaster Jack has been turning out some tasty beers as well. I was not as huge a fan of this as the adamantium hard lineup from Trillium, but it is still very tasty. You get grapefruit pith, mandarin oranges, pressed pineapple juice and a nice mineral clean finish without excessive oils. If you have a MA guy, have him also toss some of this Brewmaster Jack action your way as the whole region seems to be in a hoppy arms race where only the consumer is the victor.

Get that deep cone pump, throbbing oils, zygotes straight tumescent at full bud.

Five Georgia Beer Reviews for the Price of None: @Creaturebeer and @orpheusbrewing

October 15, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Well, in case you were off doing healthy productive things for the past month, Georgia had its first whale release since the legendary 2009 massacre that was TERRAPIN DEPTH CHARGE. However, most gainfully employed adults that were around for that old Georgia peach were not around for this further disturbing release of See the Stars. I will be dealing with StS in a separate post, but I figured I would check in with some Georgia reviews since my last foray left much to be desired.

I got my cup of lean, a Lil Jon LP on the turntable, fat stacks prepped for Magic City, and my Young Dro t-shirt on: TIME TO MARCH TO THE SEA LEAVING A WAKE OF TORTURED GEORGIAN DESTRUCTION, finna get my Sherman on.

just got a camera installed in the peach in my license plate

The Jeezy hustle is strong with this one and it breaks up serious bricks of raw. The srm looks like shit in contrast to the verve that modern IPAs take but, hey, a little crystal is fine, I guess, in moderation. Except crystal meth, not even once. Then this beer would be Floridian in execution. This drinks very similar to Kern River Just Outstanding in that “BJCP benchmarked/flawless in 2008” sort of tangent. This isn’t some guava and 2 row bomb that is stripped down to 1.003 FG. This is a classic, substantial, piney and aserose, sticky oils, lingering sweetness, cones and conifers, crushed up nugs on a coffee table sort of beer that is exceedingly crushable.

Peace up, a town down

This is rad for failing to fall directly in line with the tired ass “hazy/orange juice/matter in suspension” archetype. It shows this brewery can follow rules and execute awesome examples of staple plays from long ago. The HOP AND LADDER play if you will.

SUCH A TPYO ON THE CAN SUCH OVERSIGHTS

Whenever I see a canned saison, the elitist prick in me is always like “here we go, some dialed down farmhouse beer, where’s the sexist marketing to accompany it?” Oddly, this is executed with class and poise and presents a degree of competence beyond the scope of “ITS A WIT WITH A DUPONT YEAST…IN A CAN.”

“In the heroine Atalanta, we see the traits of what we aim for in all of our beers: piquant, deceptively robust, and a bit wild. A tart plum saison, Atalanta tastes of plums intermingling with spicy yeast, and a refreshing tartness that makes Atalanta as good for pairing with food as by itself.”

DDB is a Str8 rambling rek like GA tech

Alright, so this isn’t some massive fruit bomb like Flora plum or OWA UME shit, but for the price point and packaging, were you expecting some super artisanal riff? It is refreshing, dry, exhibits a nice wheaty grist, creamy cheesiness, light tartness akin to almost a kettle soured berliner that ramps up the drillability. I can see tossing a few of these back on a daily basis while reading the local Georgia news and laughing my ass off at my state legislatures. So that’s a win. Tasty stuff for sure, if not earth shattering.

really pressing my patience with this branding tho TBH SMH Notgonnalietho

I will spare you the threadbare “SESSION IPA” vs “PALE ALE” distinction, I have done it better in other places and the less said about this hackneyed offering, the better. This is a wholly mediocre riff on the gentle IPA realm. The hops are forgettable and overly resinous akin to that vegetal note you get from oversaturated cones in dry hopping. The body of it is sweet and crackery, far too hefty for its designs, and comes across like a worse version of the ho-hum Founders ALL DAY ipa.

I mean, if you see it at a Ruby Tuesday or something, sure why not

This is in or below the realm of the ubiquitous Terrapin offerings and doesn’t really command your palate or wallet in any meaningful way. The MEH exhalation can power the sails of indifference.

A pour that big was a complete mistake. A pour of any size, a mistake

Speaking of completely underwhelming beers, prepare for categorical disappointment with Athena. In a world of kettle soured, lacto forward, ultra tart, low grist “berliners” and “goses” this one is amongst one of the worst offenders I have seen to date. This is a pretty tough beer to fuck up but, my cans were riddled with problems. First and foremost, I got clear dimethyl sulfate issues and a sort of putrid baby diaper aspect to my can, so I was like “ah, welp get the other can” but no such luck. The people who rave about the “FUNK AND AWESOME ACIDITY” must love sampling the off flavor/butyric/diacetyl kit from the BJCP judging program. The whole affair was back to back drainpours.

I know you will immediately call out DDB for negligent ratings pandering, hyperbole, or iconoclasm in setting fire to the Athena effigy. Please trust me when I tell you that this is not just disappointing but flawed in a meaningful way that was out of comport with all of the positive press that I previously heard abuzz.

blergh. cottage cheese burps.

The whole thing makes absolutely no sense because the FRUITED VERSION was mindblowing, guavas to the wall incredible, without qualifier:

God damn this goes in hard on every track.

Let’s be clear: the passionfruit Guava version of Athena is so so good that I can’t even identify it as the same thing as the base beer. It blows most of the fruited Bu’s out of the water and gives a collarbone chop to other ambitious AWAs who fail to hit their mark. If you have ever had Miami Madness from J. Wakefield or Imperial Stone Bu, this is in that mind blowing realm of guava puree, jamba juice cunnilingus, pith, frothy juiciness, intense tannins and a lightly brackish finish.

It fucks the game up, 5 mics from the Source, XXL is calling for their number, and the only real complaints are in the inaccessibility of this draft only club hit.

Ok so not beautiful but god damn, who gives a shit, 16s is fire

I haven’t had See the Stars yet but, if this beer isn’t the best thing coming out of Creature Comforts, I will be shocked. Don’t bother with the adjunct stouts, lock this down faster than a smoking hot Latter Day Saint wife. You will not regret it.

So there we have it, Georgia is up to some noteworthy stuff, some shoulder shruggy EHHHHH’s and everything in between.

See the Stars will be dispatched shortly, never you fuss chil’, now go fetch gam gam the brownie spoon, an doncha be lickin the bole.

On the Real Tho, What the Deal with Side Project Framboise du Fermier?

September 8, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright we all know the lore behind this shit. 300 bottles. Midwest hype. 1 per person per mule per grandma per collateral body present for the tickets that were allegedly/surreptitiously handed out to selected attendees. At least that is the way I heard it. No sooner than buttholes were healing from the anal fissures attendant to the prior two fruited fermiers, this drops and all the sad tickers are carrying around their pink socks lamenting self-inflicted Fedex woes.

Let’s not get it twisted, landing this is going to be an exercise in self-flaggelation and St. Louis fecespeddlers have no empathy or shame in their rapacious requests. It is kinda like in the Ostfront when Germany was retreating, after years of dealing out abuse, the rest of the trade world is about to receive some grim comeuppance from an area that previously held Schlafly as the piece de resistance. “If they do only a fraction of what we have done to them, we will be in complete ruins.”

Alright so, whale pedigree, whale expectations: BUT HOW DOES THIS BERRY BANGER EVEN TASTE? Let me introduce you to my stove, traps queens on deck.

That look is undeniable. God damn.

Fruited Wild Ale, 8% abv

St. Louis, Missouri

Straight out of the gates, look at this majestic cranberry, roseate, blood of the nonbelievers spilling on the cobblestones. It is easily one of the most beautiful wild ales this side of Cable Car Kriek and has flawless carb, sheeting and this delightfully filthy dance of residual seeds and flesh dancing in the globe. Stepdad is gonna spank those 9th grader asses stop sign red for opening his pink beer while he is at work at Cici’s Pizza.

I braced for some acetylaldehyde or maybe a touch of some formative Rose De Gambrius vinegar, but the whole affair takes things to the redline zone in every way. There was no expense spared, no restrain used, no nuances employed, this is a 9 minute long raspberry Dragonforce solo that melts your baby momma’s face when she looks at it directly. It is liquid fruit by the foot, gushers, red 5, muddled berries, smuckers, intense acidity that burns your eyelashes magenta, and waves of so many hispanic roadside fruitstands. I imagine this is what it would feel like to get jumped into a gang, in a berry field. It is just too much of a good thing to the point of being berry incarnate. It cannot be reasoned with.

Behold, the ruby weapon, awakened after so many millenia of hateful slumber under the desert.

The taste takes the acidicty, fruit, and completely tactless overkill of the nose and takes it to suborbital heights. This is not the Platonic form of a framboise, it is some malevolent Mojoverse where science has been harnessed to go beyond the berry into a weaponized raspberry neutron bomb. It is ambrosial and deriding, like that abusive girl you met on Tinder who only hits you up after 3am. Given the quality of the interaction you tolerate the violence, if under suboptimal circumstances. This is unlike ANY berry beer you have had, RASPY or otherwise.

Let me underscore something: this is NOT a one dimensional lactic acid bomb like Upland moves through the basic palate raffleranks. This is those end game weapons that are so powerful that they break the game as a result. Alright you know how everyone has a rock hard lambic boner for Framboos despite the fact that 2014 was flat and riddled with exit flaws? Imagine that is something like Old Rip Van Winkle 10. This, by contrast is something completely more insane, outside the penumbra of your training, this is uncut barrel strength WLW that will not be dominated.

clacking those pink bottoms, all these poverty tickers belly up to the bar tryna throw singles at a raindance tick

There are waves of tannic skins that spin down your mid palate with delicious black cherry and currant heft but streak like an orbital laser, exothermic destruction on the back palate. I had to drink my first glass with a water nearby, not unlike WLW. I promise you guys I was not being a tamponpalate, this is way over the top intense and made for the St. Louis 13 person tastings in which these are invariably only opened. The magnificent drag down the throat is like uncut raspberry blow, the drip is enough to make some tickers cough because it isn’t stepped on.

tfw you at work not embarrassed to read 900 words about a fruit beer but see this and close the tab

At about the last 8 ounces, I had two chapped labias on my face and had to “proof” the raspberry fury down and I cut it with a Highland Park blended saison All the yeast. The blend felt like a resignation, like i quit, I Tapped Out like so many stickers on slammer Silverados. Candidly, the blend was incredible and added that grist and cheesiness that the beer needed.

It is not flawless, but god damn if it isn’t some straight up once in a lifetime barrel strength madness that has never been replicated. It is the beer form of the Dodge Challenger Hellcat, no one needs 702 raspberries under the hood, but if you have the cash to get it, by all means go fucking nuts on the backstreets. This is not a daily driver framboise, the berry burnouts are far too substantial for my weak dentistry.

DDB gets that coveted berry banger and gives criticism, the music of weak bloggers screaming in unison

Thankfully, every Untappd dipshit will be checking in a lukewarm meniscus pour so small it cant even retain surface tension. This bilateral exchange of misplaced reverence and undeserved pride fuels the current trade scene, with Kafkaesque results. We can’t blame Cory King for that, but we can blame him for not getting Mother 3 ported to the United States as Mother 3. THANKS A LOT, CORY. FUCK.

This that Orviamo, the OVO, that SZN, this that new Tillamook Toronto @Sideprojectbrew @degardebrewing

August 5, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Side Project and DeGarde both are underground germinating rhizomes from a distant alien being, spore technology sent back through the time continuum to alter the double helix of american wild ales as we know them. Today they spacedock in careless abandon with ORVIAMO.

I remember safe houses down in Tillamook

Both breweries arose around the same time and took palates by storm with small runs of fruited acidic beers that continue to captivate faceholes. A collaboration was a no brainer, the only question was where they would go after the De Say collabo that was, admittedly, really amazing.

Both breweries have their fair share of intensely acidic beers and when I heard about the specs on this one I knew it would go one of two ways : 1) intensely acetic red wine vinegar blowout or 2) some phrnomenal fruit hybrid akin to Hommage/Caracterie Rouge.

Thank god it was the latter and my gumline remained intact, no GERD was transmitted. Thanks Obamacare.

10 bottles, 20 bottles, man fuck it brewer, let’s just not even discuss it

The beer pours a beautiful slice of crimson sunset, staves of blood red ruby igniting within the confines of the glass. There is a certain muddiness and burnt sienna to the center like clay courts that rich assholes play tennis upon.

The nose leads with a smattering of the acetic character I initially feared, but thankfully it subsides into a fragrant fruit blossom profile and sublimates into a perfumey fruity bloom like Flowerbomb. Lol referencing perfume on this site is pointless for all these forever alone readers. While there’s a degree of jamminess to the raspberry, black cherry, and blackberry, it is a far cry from straight up fruit beers like New Glarus. The compromise works well to keep what could have been paint removing acidity in check.

It is 20% better than this beer, which was also very tasty, but still less tasty on the tasteyscale metric

The taste is incredibly dry and loaded with fruit tannins, farmers market bites into fruit tarts, currant, cherry, craisins (these go in salads, a salad is- nevermind) cranberry and even a touch of sour plum. YES EVEN SOUR PLUM HAS SCIENCE GONE TOO FAR? The sky high 10% Abv is well integrated and this beer drinks like one of those innumerable 6% fruited bus from them Tillamook boys.

The finish is long and dry like a John Cleese stand up set. The oak maintains a sort of light earthiness that underscores the vibrant fruit. The whole affair is pretty enjoyable, but tough to really justify given the straight vertical plane of entry.

Orviamo is not better than this beer, TASTYSCALE NUMBERS DONT LIE

Should breweries get beat up in reviews for having inaccessible products and covetous assholes for consumers? How much of that is crafted by their own marketing macchinstions? Is it just human nature to defile and hoard limited items until the world is steeped in the rancor of inequality? That is probably a topic best served on another day. I don’t feel like dealing with armchair economist dipshits.

In sum, this is a really tasty beer that would be inimitable if Rodenbach didn’t have world class Caracterie rouge just turding it up on BevMo shelves. This beer is an improvement but how much are you willing to tip up for this back room treatment? You want your cherry fully pitted? Then bring your fuckin checkbook, Cory and Trevor are going in dry.

DOUBLE GEORGIA BREW REVIEW: @secondselfbeer Thai Wheat and Red Hop Rye

June 16, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

I know what you are thinking, “how in the fuck is DDB reviewing a Thai wheat beer? Red ales? What the shit is this?” In striving to keep my finger on the pounding pulse of Georgia beers, I must divine the Terrapin tea leaves to keep the South content. Second Self opened fall of last year and already has two flagship beers and a canning line. Ok, so far so good, but these days everyone from Tree House to Other Half is kicking out dank ass cans, so what’s the deal with this?

A homebrewer who used to work at Sweetwater teamed up with a foodie and here we are. Let’s hit that Florida Georgia line and start Sippin on Fire accordingly

This is like exactly what life in the South is like.

No relation to THAI ME UP, the incredible brewery from Wyoming.

Thai Wheat. Second Self, Georgia

Wheat Beer, commercial tug job:

“This SPICY American What beer is as EXOTIC as the country that inspired it. This beer uses both fresh LEMONGRASS and GINGER to give it a refreshing aroma and taste taking you on a trip access the globe. We keep the beer DRY letting the spices stand out on their own giving you a unique experience.
This flavorful wheat ale is great for an escape into your second self.
Pairings include: fish, chicken, pork loin, grilled vegetables, sushi, and Asian cuisine.”

The branding is pretty legit, but nothing as anus shattering as say 8 bit Pale ale

Usually when I see “Thai” on the label, that means it’s gonna be some obnoxious shit with cardamom, tea, or coconut milk added. It is often the ultimate red flag for discordant palate clanging. I also had a disposition based upon the marketing to place this toe to toe with Modern Times Fortunate Island, which is a horrible stance from the start because FI is incredible and almost no sessionable beers can run at that clip. If it wasn’t abundantly clear, this was a donation box.

Before I get yet another question about this god damn Teku: this is an old Tired Hands glass. There you go.

This fulfills neither of the expectations and goes a bit off book into a novel, food based sort of riff. The pour is turbid and has a hazy orange frothiness to it like a blended sherbert Flinstones pushpop. The nose is grassy and herbal, it leans closer to “lesbian closet” replete with Birkenstocks, Darjeeling, lemon zest, burnt floral incense, and crushed Rosemary.

The wheat struggle continues

This isn’t some hoppy banger, but it is an interesting enzyme that seems to be lacking its substrate complex, namely a food pairing. The lock and key of this shit is entirely predicated on serving this with a variety of dishes because the spice feels like a tow line with no tugboat. Those nontug feels are real. It is fun and whimsical on its own, albeit not earth shattering and God damn is this crushable in that humid disgusting weather Georgia residents continue to subject themselves to.

magic hour

BUT WE WERE PROMISED A REVIEW OF THE RED RED HOP RYE WATDAFUQQQ
I don’t have a whole lot to say about the red hop rye. It is a by the numbers hoppy rye that is kinda sappy and resinous that is executed like a watered down Nugget Nectar with more spice and a caramel meets “scorched DME” finish if we have any negligent entry level home brewers in the audience. I am not a fan of this style and usually for a red to get my cones wet it will need to be clean and restrained on maltiness, this is hazarding a more substantial execution and isn’t peppering my angus as result.

subconsciously this label made me want some Orange Whip.

Second Self on the whole reminds me of a less inspired Modern Times, that courts higher mass appeal from less intense offerings. 4.5 trill units on the ultra trill trap scale (UTTS standard.)

So many of these will be consumed in Emory University parking lots

Top 8 Beers to Drink if you Refuse to Vaccinate Your Child, NUMBER THREE WILL SHOCK YOU!

May 21, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Craft beer saw HUGE gains in 2014, and took massive strides against reviled MACROBREWERIES, demonstrating the clear changing of the tide for top tier consumables in the life of the average consumer. More people elected to drink non-pasteurized and bottle conditioned beers, home births are on the rise, and naturally most beer drinkers are contemplating whether they should embrace modern medicine and immunize their children.

This is a serious decision, and like all great beer culture, a pairing is a natural extension to making this life altering choice. SO HERE IS A LIST OF EIGHT BEERS TO DRINK IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO VACCINATE YOUR CHILD!

Number Eight: Alesmith Brandy Barrel Old Numbskull – https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/06/30/alesmith-brewing-co-old-numbskull-brandy-barrel-edition-got-my-barleybones-a-throbbing/

It is a serious decision.

Whenever you start putting back some serious 11% beers, you might question that vaccines prevent communicable disease and impart lasting immunity, it happens all the time. Once you get sufficiently hammered on sticky raisins and dates you will realize that vaccinated people are the most immunocompromised, and are always the ones contracting the diseases against which they were vaccinated. Tell me that hasnt happened when you drank BA barleywines, like every time.

Number SEVEN: Tired Hands Westy XIII https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/06/18/tiredhandsbeer-i-put-13s-on-the-westy-now-all-the-tickers-mirin/

SO TRUE

If you have ever sat down and had saison yeast in a 13% quad then you know this topic has come up. Someone will bust out Settlers of Catan and invariably someone will start talking about how every single study used as “evidence” that vaccines are safe erroneously compares side effects from one vaccine to side effects from another vaccine, effectively canceling them out. Then shit gets super real at the game night.

Number Six: The Bruery Wineification I https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/12/31/thebruery-wineification-the-first-full-legit-review-on-the-internet-stompin-on-your-grapes/

TYPICAL

Maybe it happens when you are at Ross, maybe it is Claimjumpers, you open a 450 bottle count wine must infused imperial stout and THE TOPIC COMES UP. While you are trying to appreciate the nuance of the tannins and barrel profile someone will ALWAYS BE LIKE “Little do most people know that the first vaccine ever produced, for smallpox, was a complete disaster. The health consequences in those who received it included syphilis and death

NUMBER FOUR: Three Floyd’s Baller Stout and MURDA’D OUT STOUT https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/12/14/3floyds-baller-stout-vs-murdad-out-stout-what-a-complete-waste-of-time/

Since we all usually open these together, several times a week, I already sympathize with the gravity of the decision lain at your feet. You’ll be watching Burn Notice, trying to pick out the component nuances of the beers and then, out of nowhere you realize: Vaccines are highly profitable for drug companies, which aren’t held liable for damages. You dont even know if that is true, but you feel like it is something you should just post on facebook, not even citing shit, because you suddenly are both a medical professional and a lawyer, thanks to these two beers.

NUMBER THREE: Cantillon Crianza Helena https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/19/cantillon-crianza-helena-the-face-that-launched-a-thousand-shits-on-ebay/

We all have walked down this well-tread path. We are gonna sit down and open a Cantillon one off, for like the third time this week, to cool the nerves from the stress of working at Staples. BOOM. You are enjoying the complexity of the barrel blending and a little voice calls out “all vaccines contain deadly, neurodamaging chemicals like aluminum, mercury and formaldehyde. Many vaccines are also loaded with monosodium glutamate (MSG), antibiotics and even genetically modified organisms”

You might not even be a physician or even know what those things are, but you have rare beer and opinions, and you will be buggered if you don’t pop them both open in front of people. IT IS NOT JUST ME IT FEELS SO GOOD TO KNOW.

At this point you realize that you have been vaccinated and didn’t even NOTICE THAT NUMBER FIVE WAS MISSING. Because vaccines in children cause long lasting computational errors.

NUMBER FIVE: 2004 Fantome Ete https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/07/fantome-saison-derezee-ete-slaying-that-elusive-ghost-whale/

Listen, just because something is ultra desirable for years and years doesn’t mean that people will care about it forever. You must have felt that gnawing in your soul, knowing something wasn’t right with your coveted Fantome collection, the way the baby wheezes while positioned on his stomach. Then it hits you, International studies looking at the health outcomes of unvaccinated children compared to their vaccinated peers have repeatedly shown that the unjabbed are generally less afflicted with allergies, autism, behavioral disorders, autoimmune dysfunction and respiratory ailments.

You don’t know if that is true, but it FEELS CORRECT. If the vaccines were so desirable then why aren’t they on the ISO:FT boards? It is like Abyss all over again, your vaccine cellar in your body is faded and over the hill. Everyone knows it.

NUMBER TWO: Surly CynicAle https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/03/surly-cynicale-for-all-the-sophists-cynics-epicureans-and-stoics/

Somehow, between chaining together sugar water and neglecting all other life duties, you have time to make concrete decisions about your child, even if they are wildly contrary to modern medicine. Surly Cynicale always brings this out in Minnesotan consumers who, despite clear documentation, continue to breed. I feel like there isn’t a person who hasn’t been in a Minneapolis watering hole without hearing this old chestnut: “Vaccine companies can’t be sued if you or your child is harmed by vaccines. If vaccines really are as safe as the jab-pushers constantly claim they are, then why was the National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act passed in 1986, exempting vaccine and drug companies, as well as health practitioners, from liability in the event of injury or death?

I mean, it sounds like bullshit but, you are wasted on Czar jack, so what do you know. There’s so many lakes and so few places to learn how to science. It seems legit, I mean, you just had unprotected sex, not a law degree seminar.

NUMBER ONE!!!!!! De Cam Framboise https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/07/02/de-cam-framboise-lambiek-you-only-yolo-once/

At this point I mean, who gives a fuck really? You are already at least $321,000 deep per child so, why not forge your own path and just dig deep in the cellar for a beer that just goes hard in the paint. The crushing reality of responsibility weighs deep on your immune system and an agrarian society seems not unpleasant in the face of attempting to mortgage a new property with additional bedrooms. So why not De Cam? At the end of the day maybe Natural exposure to disease is the best vaccine. Truth be told, the only way to truly develop vibrant, lifelong immunity is to live your life as you normally would, but without injecting dead (and in some cases live) viruses and chemical adjuvants into your muscle tissue. Natural exposure to whatever diseases are lurking in the world is the only way for the body to develop permanent antibodies that will forever protect against disease

Or maybe you are stupid dipshit who failed high school Biology because you had a constant hormonal imbalance, caused by vaccines, resulting in perpetual erections. Your kid will be a complete asshole and demand an SS Camaro at age 15 regardless of what antiquated medicine you choose to embrace. THE VINTAGES CHANGE BUT THE CELLAR REMAINS CONSTANT!

New Instucrtional VEDEO: AMERICAN LAMBIC BLENDING LESSON – now with more fruts

May 14, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

Ther are more pajotenlands made every year and this vedeo shows you where they are and how to fruit beers so new consumers feel special and aliv.

American lambics soon to be reocgnized by BJC and Cicerone University.

Six Lies that Homophobes Who Hate Craft Beer ALWAYS SAY

April 20, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

As much as I have worked to lower the bar for journalistic integrity in beer, someone always non-ironically SCOOPS OLD DDB. Today’s iteration comes from The Beer Wench, Ashley Routson. I would think that writing an irrelevant, straw man article addressing axiomatic non-issues against sexist men in beer would be something that would be tired by Draft Magazine standards, even in 2008. BUT OH I THOUGHT WRONG:

http://www.thrillist.com/drink/nation/tricking-women-into-drinking-beer-lies-men-tell

If you don’t feel like paying into the bullshit clickbait model that Thrillist panders, here is the jist of the post:
[“SOME OVERSTATED/ARCHAIC SEXIST THING THAT EITHER DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT FREQUENTLY ANYMORE OR HAS BEEN MAGNIFIED SPECIFICALLY TO MAKE A POINT”

>Response using reasoning that almost everyone would agree with, namely that sexist people are shitty and no counterpoint really exists for the contrary.]

Basically that shit, six times.

So since the foregoing model qualifies as legitimate beer journalism, DDB has prepared its own form of this hyperbolic editorial to correct “countless misconceptions about beer that need to be addressed and corrected” using a counterpoint that no one encounters or would ever support as sound reasoning in the first place. NO ONE WILL LOWER THE JOURNALISM BAR LOWER THAN DDB, I REFUSE TO BE SCOOPED.

LIE #1 “Homosexual marriage isn’t real marriage, because the more hops you use, the higher the IBUs will be”

THIS IS A COMPLETE LIE. Just using MORE hops doesn’t alone raise the IBUs, maybe stop being an intolerant shitlord and look into alpha acid content before you make sweeping unfounded comments about bitterness and start denying fundamental human rights subject to intermediate scrutiny.

Oh jeez, this AGAIN?

LIE#2 “Gay marriage violates natural law because Pappy Barrels are the best type of barrels to use for aging”

GOD I HATE WHEN I HEAR THIS IN A BAR LIKE SIX TIMES A NIGHT. Just because something is sourced from Buffalo Trace doesn’t mean that it is automatically Pappy, and furthermore, maybe you’re an ignorant cicerone using fallacious reasoning predicated on pseudo-science to promote your own closeminded theological agenda. There are all kinds of barrels, maybe your sweeping hatespeech statements aren’t as well researched as you think they are.

Every single bottleshare

LIE #3 “Higher Sparging Temps Always Result in the Denial of a Human Life Because of Same Sex Unions”

GOD THIS ONE GETS UNDER MY SKIN. The average person pushing a sparging agenda will usually bring this one out when you are talking about mash temps and then all of sudden the dispute is about how same sex parents refuse to create potential lives and thereby violate God’s plan. Ok first and foremost, if you know anything about mashing, you know that there are plenty of heterosexual parents who elect to not have children and a brewer who tries to create long chain amino acids doesn’t have any role in the relationship. I SWEAR SOME PEOPLE CAN BE SO SHORT SIGHTED.

Every time I stop by my local bottleshop

Lie #4 “All IPAs are faded after four weeks because homosexual marriage turns a moral wrong into a civil right”

MY EYES ROLL SO HARD WHENEVER I AM AT A BEER FEST AND SOMEONE BRINGS THIS OLD CHESTNUT UP. Every IPA is different and have a completely different malt and flavor profile, so making sweeping hateful statements about a class of people based upon your own fear mongering is shameful. As a rule IPAs in general are best enjoyed fresh but making ethical judgments about people predicated entirely on hop profiles isn’t just incorrect: IT IS WRONG.

Lie #5 “Saisons should be sour because homosexual marriage creates a sterile union devoid of children”

Saisons were developed long ago in Wallonia and northern France and the style is constantly evolving. Just because some brewers recently are using monocultures in addition to Sacchro, that doesn’t mean that every union needs to result in the birth of children. Overpopulation is already a huge concern and if the PH on a saison isn’t below 3.0 THAT IS FINE. Maybe if you considered the number of people who are infertile getting married, you would see that brewers should be free to create saisons that don’t fit the prescriptive mold IN YOUR MIND.

When I am at a beer fest, constantly

Lie #6 “Homosexual Union Offends God because English Barleywines are Clearly Superior to America Barleywines”

You wouldn’t believe how many times I have been at a bottle share and someone in a cut off denim vest and a Jeff Gordon hat brings this one up. IT’S LIKE CAN WE TALK ABOUT ANY OTHER BEER ISSUES BESIDES FOCUSING ON THE LOVE AND UNION OF HOMOSEXUALS. It gets old really fast. Ok sure, you are free to believe that the caramel and sweet notes attendant to English barleywines are superior, but to deny a class of people a series of benefits simply because you want to rely upon your own theological beliefs seems to subject barleywines to unfair scrutiny. As hard as it is for you to believe, some people prefer the oak forward, hoppy character of American barleywines, just like some people just want to enjoy a union with the same benefits and protections without being subjected to judgment and governmental denial of fundamental rights. WE GET IT YOU LIKE THE ENGLISH KIND MORE, get over it.

CONCLUSION TO HIT THE REQUISITE WORD COUNT:

The moral of the story: you don’t need to drape anti-homosexual statements in the context of beer for the rest of us to “get” it. Keep it real, keep it 100. Brewers are pretty damn smart and pretty damn awesome. So stop treating us like spoiled little 5-year-olds who need to be bribed with candy to eat our veggies.

@Degardebrewing The Lily, Those Tillamook Ballers Unequivocally Hit Wild Ale Excellence.

March 19, 2015 | dontdrinkbeer

If you are like the average person, you might grow a little confused with the 14 different De Garde beers released every month, each with moderately different labels. Some are Keepers only others are Trappers only, some are sold inside of Trapper Keepers reserved only for Founders members. It gets confusing. Other times you will seek out a beer only to find “OH YOU JUST GOT THE REGULAR CHERIMOYA BU? No that one sucks the currant gin Imperial Cherimoya Bu is THE SHIT.” Well rest assured, this beer is the best beer that De Garde has brewed to date and it enters into the realm of God Tier AWAs so forcefully that I don’t see how Trevor and them boys can outdo themselves after this masterpiece. Let’s review this 180 (?) bottle jammer in today’s review.

It took me a long. ass. time. To finally land this. For some reason when people know they have the best bottle possible, they dont want to trade it away. WEIRD.

De Garde, Tillamook Cheeseland, OR

7% American Wild Ale with Tempranillo Grapes

As usual, let’s let the FIVER employee do his commercial copy for the beer:
“One of the oldest barrels from our stock, a lambic influenced sour ale.
We added a hefty harvest of whole cluster Southern Oregon grown Tempranillo grapes from a favorite vineyard. Big rustic and spicy fruit aromas with a bracing acidity, and earthy backdrop.
We expect this beer to evolve positively in the bottle over a long period, but the brightness and fruit character is very enjoyable now!”

A: This looks quite a bit like Grrzz Druiven at the outset and I kinda rolled my eyes with an “OH YOU” thinking I knew what was about to go down. The carb crackled away with light pinkish marroon foam that subsided quickly. There was minimal sheeting and it just drops into this ruby purplish amber three point stance and starts poppin for dollars.

If they named this beer BRISTOL it would have left a more sour taste in my mouth

S: This is where shit starts to get real, the dry tannic grape aspect wafts like a massive pinot noir and raspberries. This is certainly dry to the core but it also has a sort of madeline bready sweetness to the nose with a touch of vanilla, on the tip of your nose like an ultra cute first date where you schedule a baking activity because both of you are socially awkward and need a crutch to facilitate interaction before you decide if you want to fuck. WAIT A SECOND. There is a bit of ultra lactic Cascadey shit going on here like Cascade strawberry, but I guess I will give it a pass depending on how it tastes.

T: PASS OBTAINED. This delivers the most nuance of any De Garde offering to date and never is hamfisted in its pucker, or too brash in its acidity. In a staggering move, this De Garde impresses by sheer balance and moderation. If your face was melted by the Ambrees and you need speech therapy, this will be your Esuna. The grapes are present like a blend of Alexander the Grape and Strawberry Short Cook otter pops, you get a smuckers strawberry jamminess, acidity that serves to compliment instead of dominate, and a lingering tannic closer that tells your stepdad that he can sleep on the couch tonight. It is a beautiful moment.

Gotta offset those AWA kCALs

M: I was bracing myself at each swallow for this to pull off the mask and turn into some punitive Upland dominatrix just stepping on my cubes, making me beg for less acidity because I BEEN A BAD BLOGGER O FUK YA. But that thankfully never happens. It provides this dry, yet jammy execution like a well done Rose, bursting with fruit and then dropping off the moisture cliff like when your Sig Ep buddy TRAVIS tries to guess women’s bra sizes at the club.

D: This is exceptional through and through. It stands head and shoulders above the whole De Garde canon, and approaches that near impossible rank of Southampton Black Raspberry Lambic, Cable Car Kriek, Pipeworks Blue Lady and all the other usual suspects you see listed as flawless iterations of the AWA genre, if maybe a touch below. If for some reason you can’t land this I would suggest uhhh, taking Omniscience and Proselytism, mixing it with Cerveza Tempranillo and a splash of Atrial Rubicite. Landing all three of those would probably take less than this elusive minx. BUT WHY GILD THE LILY AMIRITE?

Whenever someone talks about Oregon, this is what I imagine.