1

Toppling Goliath Assassin, That ultra hyped PvW Stout that People Cared about BEFORE KBBS

Them trade boards sure do move swiftly. One moment every single person in the game is pulling their labias lamenting over being unable to land the newest and hottest, next minute, that same bottle is being packed together with the other previously hyped beers to land next weeks newest whale.

This shit don’t make no sense.

Well for context, during the second week of August, this bottle was a complete bitch to land. Everyone waited to land this distributed/1000ish bottle release and turns out everyone wanted the same fucking thing: this pappy stout that no one could live without. Until KBBS came along. Until Westly came along. Until Gerbil Cum was bottled. Ad infinitum.

Anyway, let’s see if we can hit the T-G spot in today’s review.

Excessive demonstrative pours, attention seeking bullshit, demonstrating dominance with a modicum of no friends and foreveralone.

Excessive demonstrative pours, attention seeking bullshit, demonstrating dominance with a modicum of no friends and foreveralone.

Toppling Goliath Brewing, Decorah Iowa
13% abv
Imperial Stout

A: This has some heft to the pour and sheets the hell out of my 1L mug with frothy mocha foam, like a filthy barista hook session. It is midnight black and sits somewhere in between BCBS and Huna in massive coating and heft to the body. It’s admittedly a very attractive looking imperial stout, menacing and not contributing any fucks. They went HAM on this one and it shows. Part of me wants to point to the excessively flabby body and pull the under attenuation card, but it just isn’t that. It’s just a fucking huge beer in the way Double Black flexes hard and doesn’t concern itself with your opinion.

Making SARA and Midwest tickers mad concurrently is a shitstorm of passive aggressive private conversations you'll probably never see.  BUT OH MAN JUST IMAGINE.

Making SARA and Midwest tickers mad concurrently is a shitstorm of passive aggressive private conversations you’ll probably never see. BUT OH MAN JUST IMAGINE.

S: This is hands down the most phenomenal part of this beer and I could sit here huffing this like a hobo with a spraypaint can in front of a Planned Parenthood. You get massive caramel, bakers chocolate, macaroon, vanilla, bourbon soaked raisins, Hershey bar, and closes with a sort of S’more aspect without being cloying. Just fantastic top to bottom. I hate writing these reviews because how do you eke out the yuks and punchlines when it is this well done? No one wants to read some stroke session to sugar water, what’s the fun in beating off to that? The Iowa kids finally got the comeuppance they desired for so long with this one, and no butthole is going to remain unprolapsed in acquiring one, apparently.

Hard as fuqqq in the beer scene, hit up my tasting, ill be wearing Monarchy Jeans and stunting on ex-bandos.

Hard as fuqqq in the beer scene, hit up my tasting, ill be wearing Monarchy Jeans and stunting on ex-bandos.

T: This presents itself like an coked up Parabola, grinding its bourbon soaked maw over the corpse of a choclatier with tenacity. It is best enjoyed around that 60 degree mark to let that classic pappy decadence settle in, marshmellow and toffee cascading, each stout fleshlight session more satisfying than the last. I did have an issue with the residual sweetness that was begging for a roasty father figure to show it how to play catch and not prance around twirling the cocoa baton. It became a touch cloying and this aspect would keep it from absolute mind blowing status and relegates the bottle to the old “please share” section, which shouldn’t necessarily follow every god tier stout. I could drink 2009 BT by myself and still go to my dietician head held high, however, I would be hesitant to drink this without my life coach present. I have a lot of things going on right now.

M: Again, the flabby muddiness to the mouthfeel is excessive, no doubt, however it serves as a fantastic playing field to showcase the sweet and boozy aspects bumpin and grinding like a slow jam. If you are new in the stout game and you JUST FKN LOVEEEE THICKNESS BROOO OH MAN LOOK HOW FUCKN TOUGH I AM, then this will present itself like Huna and Abyss with those residual sugars and unfermented aspects that you will love. If you fall closer to the Czar Jack, Central Waters sort of preference, this will seem unfocused and brash in execution. Either way, someone is getting their nips twisted.

I would wrek this beer again.

I would wrek this beer again.

D: I could put down a whole bottle of this, I can also play Alpha Centauri for 9 hours straight and leave my children in the care of a recent parolee. CAN doesn’t always imply an imperative statement. Most people will split this 19 ways to pump their shaft, accumulate UNTAPPD toasts and accolades in a midwest backyard. I don’t roll like that, so perhaps my utility is skewed. This is certainly a very nice beer, but the cost of entry is wildly prohibitive and I couldn’t in clear conscience honestly tell you that you NEED TO TRY THIS SHIT OTHERWISE YOUR BEER NUTSACK SHRIVELS UP. It’s a very good stout and marginally better than BCBS and Parabola, but the law of diminishing returns will certainly keep me away from this beer in the future. I usually rip on the armchair ticker dipshits who pipe up with “WHY TRAED GOOD BEERS WHEN I CAN JUST DRINK BCBS” with that tired yarn, but my asshole feels like a gaping barrel of raked up leaves after landing this, so the experience becomes lightly TAINTED. Perineum jokes, got them on lock.

I #YOLOed this beer so hard, huge pour, so fukin cool, mad CLASS

I #YOLOed this beer so hard, huge pour, so fukin cool, mad CLASS

Advertisements
4

Toppling Goliath Mornin’ Delight, My Motto’s Always Been When It’s Right It’s Right

Alright, we have heard enough about hyped beers that AREN’T worth a reluctant hj, but what about those hyped releases that are downright amazing. The kind that after you have them you go through a moment of clarity and the conflict subsides and you nod your head in cool reverence and renew your subscription to Bang Bus. What about those beers? This is one such beer. I know I grind the testicles of poor flyover states to no end, but this is the real deal Holyfield, now it is only fitting that let tickers and traders know how I feel.

Mornin Delight Straight Givin Beer Nerds Dat Morning Wood

Mornin Delight Straight Givin Beer Nerds Dat Mornin Wood

Toppling Goliath Brewing Company
Iowa, United States
American Double / Imperial Stout | 12.80% ABV

A: This looks akin to most imperial stouts you are accustomed to, with a mocha khaki foam that wisps away with minimal cling, however, I did drink this 300 bottle rarity in a fucking sundae glass so, your mileage might vary if you aren’t a demonstrative prick. The legs are nice and provide a mahogany cling to the glass, it looks viscous and cracks its knuckles menacingly letting you know that shit in and around the field is about to become real.

maple, coffee, stout, roast; this beer is hard as fuck and YES that is a real stout in the picture maybe you noticed it ok

maple, coffee, stout, roast; this beer is hard as fuck and YES that is a real stout in the picture maybe you noticed it ok

S: This is the waft that hipsters at Imagine Dragons concerts have nocturnal emissions over. You want that kiwi/cherry/lime leaf acidity from some eastward facing fair trade small batch single roast? Is that how daddy likes it? Daddy wants that french press handle dipping low crushing the fuck out of a deep acidity but balanced by a baker’s chocolate roast. It’s like an olfactory phone sex line for coffee addicts. If you have ever passed on sex to set up a vacuum press batch, then you are the type of deviant asshole who would love this. Just world class on the nose from the roast to the bouquet to the deep maple syrup that lingers like the sustained note of a 3 year old child being denied Skittles. The whole experience is magical.

T: This coats hard from the outset like a renegade Nigerian oil pipeline, sheeting your mouth with chocolate, almond joy dunked in Mrs. Buttersworth, there’s a lovely dryness to the coffee profile that ratchets the sweetness in from hitting those cloying Jodie Sweetin levels. How rude indeed. The sticky battle of roast versus decadent maple is like watching your girlfriend argue with your mom and you don’t know who to support. The whole affair is ambrosial and saturnalian like oral sex on a sack of unroasted coffee beans with your favorite IHOP waitress.

This beer is a trill remix of a classic jam.  7/8 time in the trap with sick coffee drops and maple breaks..

This beer is a trill remix of a classic jam. 7/8 time in the trap with sick coffee drops and maple breaks..

M: This coats hard and even the dryness of the coffee cant be an indian giver in this regard. The Indians are giving that sticky icky hard and tagbacks are disallowed along the gumline. It it like if KBS did blood doping but was a bit less complex. This has sick ropey veins pumping maple syrup with a neglected core that begs for bourbon (or cognac would be even better srs) so it’s hard to fault this for that aspect, but I do what I want, sometimes I feed other people’s meters and dont give a fuck. But it’s hard to give this a perfect score because it seems like it is missing that depth and complexity of the barrel treatment. It’s like what that poor fuck who sits in a base Carrera feels like when he knows there’s no forced induction and it should be there. Sure he just banged the hottest Denny’s waitress in the world, but the maple syrup can’t change that fact. Yes I know KBBS exists, no I am not giving up a CFH/Blabaer/Twisted Spoke/etc. for a 12oz bottle of BA Coffee stout. THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE.

D: This beer is outright amazing, but with its costs and drawbacks. It’s like if you have ever fingered a girl and subsequently found out that she is a squirter, the novelty alone would be incredible, but there is a certain drawback to having to get a Nissan Sentra detailed just because she wanted to be adventurous. Alas, I digress. Yes this is amazing, you will tell your friends about it. You might even relive the experience with them. But at the end of the day, you feel a little dirty knowing that it cost a bit too much and that you probably could have waited and gotten something more meaningful.

I would bang this in the morning and right before bed if it were accessible/socially acceptable.

I would bang this in the morning and right before bed if it were accessible/socially acceptable.

Narrative: Scott Wilson didn’t forsee that he would be guidance counseler, in fact, that is the greatest irony of his existence. his father, a doctor, his mother a nobelaureate, and here he was, advising adolescents of their future. “well you certainly need AP Bio…I call that a versatility class…” He sighed under his breath. Even if he was the best at his job, no one would notice. He could direct his students to the perfect universities but never receive a single accolade. Such is the life of a high school administrator. Scott took a deep pull of his thermos and tasted the best cup of coffee that man would ever create. He sighed upon receipt of yet another acceptance letter facsimile from one of his students, a school he never attended, but certainly maintained the ability to embrace. This was not the time to wonder about the past, he would embrace the present knowing that he was perpetually affecting the future. He went home to his microbotanical facility in his basement. He was restricted, withdrawn, so few knew the true genius that he harbored in his calm demeanor. Scott was amazing but the sheer effort it took to reach the depths of his cellar to see his coffee plant/maple tree hybrid was daunting. He popped a budding bean into his mouth and savored the acidity and molasses. “Someday they will see more than just a pile of administrative hassle Scott, someday you will be a household name. THEN WHO WILL IGNORE YOUR MESSAGES ON ZOOSK.COM THEN! NO ONE THAT IS WHO!” he shouted to himself in the basement of his 6br/7ba Iowa home valued at $143,000.00.