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Three Floyds Earl of Biggleswade, Early Contender for the Shittiest Beer of 2015

This beer represents the nightmarish deception and manipulation of beer ratings that take place in beer trading. Last Dark Lord Day, this beer was putting up solid perfect scores and being touted as THE BEST DERK LERD DEVIANT EVR MADE LOWERST BOTTLE COUNT EVR. If you trust a dipshit who is excited about a Dark Lord variant because they made the least of it, you are already starting out on a bad foot.

Your next massive red flag is right on the bottle: Dark Lord aged in a brandy barrel with cardamom, coriander, and cacao nibs. Let that sink in for a moment and try to imagine the desperate hellish reality that those adjectives would produce when exposed in and around your mouth. Sure, the writing was clear on the wall, but I had no idea just how much worse things could get, especially after trying the indefatigably horrible BA Cognac Murete Dark Lord. It turns out, when I removed that sticky stone from the Satanic altar of distaste there was a chamber of eternal hatred below, with dizzying self flagellating depths.

Let’s get to this review and never look back.

The vast majority of this $50 raffle only bottle met its end at the bottom of my garbage disposal

The vast majority of this $50 raffle only bottle met its end at the bottom of my garbage disposal

Three Floydenens, Munster Indiana
Zombie Dust Whales, 15% Russian Imperial Stout

A: Well, so far so good, this has carbonation and the platonic form of flabbiness on the pour. It cascades out like brownie mix or Nestle QuiK made with heavy whipping cream. The sheeting is so intense that it looks like someone mixed a bag of dried malt extract in at bottling to beef this sludgey muckwater up a bit. This is the best part of this unearthly bottle.

Dark Lord traders are a refined sort of gentleman bandits, m'lady

Dark Lord traders are a refined sort of gentleman bandits, m’lady

S: The smell takes things from a spine tingling glance to the crushing depression of realizing that you have over 25 ounces of this to reconcile with your body. On the front end of things is an almost passable York peppermint patty, that distorts and melts into images of your children dying in their cribs, intense jasmine, Downey, Glade plug ins, dryer sheet, Indian ice cream, dry cleaning solution and Christmas morning where mommy leaves daddy for tennis coach mommy. It is intensely saddening on so many levels.

T: This affair gets far worse when you actually elect to put this inside of your body. If the smell was serving in the Luftwaffe, the taste is being a prisoner of the Red Army in the most torturous Stalingrad detainment center. The oily heft substance rolls onto your tongue like mercury, it has a sort of adhesion to itself in oblong orbs, like how lava lamp particles flow. Each one shatters in an inky mess like T1000 and runs over your sweet and bitter zones imparting the worst disharmonious clanging on your tastebuds possible. It is so sweet that it tastes like straight wort at times, sickening fudge from eastern European countries with strange items mixed in like anise and wormwood mixed in because Hungarians don’t know any better. It is herbal and chocolatey, clashing at every opportunity, its like going down on the husky chocolatier at a humid Renaissance Festival and you are forever scarred.

I don't know who can honestly open this and without hesitation enjoy their pour, even split 14 ways.  It takes a very special type of beer drinker.

I don’t know who can honestly open this and without hesitation enjoy their pour, even split 14 ways. It takes a very special type of beer drinker.

M: The mouthfeel is completely inexcusable and you would have to have a serious deviant palate to indulge in this fetish. Regular Dark Lord is sweet and toes the line of salinity but this is just bad, like Community College performance of The Iceman Cometh, unabashedly deficient in so many ways. The viscosity is so high that it feels like it was component blended with unboiled mash, this egg soup heft to it that creep to your molars like coffee phlegm. To close things out, imagine if someone mad dirty bombs using materials only found at a Bath and Bodyworks. Herbal disgusting cluster bombs detonating and taking out anyone within a partisan radius.

D: This could not be less drinkable if it were a solid object. The second you try it, you have had enough. I let this open up, I tried it cold, luke warm, there simply was no remedying this situation. It’s like, you can take all the underattenuated sips you want, it wont change the fact that you had sex with the busboy at Golden Corral. Some flaws are so apparent that they cannot be forgotten. This is one such beer like the 1982 Bellevue that is exceptional in its sheer harrowing Kafkaesque presentation. If you have ever drank too much gin one night and awoke the next morning with that juniper bush tingling your bile ducts, you will know this beer by the trail of dead it leaves in its wake.

After escaping this permanent press tumble dry nightmare of a stout, I felt so tuff n hard as fuqqq

After escaping this permanent press tumble dry nightmare of a stout, I felt so tuff n hard as fuqqq

In closing, the fact that this beer was receiving solid perfect scores from deceitful, capitalizing, landlocked traders is outright shameful. It is in many ways worse than lying about an infected beer and trading it, THREE FLOYDS MEANT FOR THIS TO TASTE THIS WAY. Please look at these reviews immediately logged in after Dark Lord Day and revel in the top tier shitlords attempting to hype this beer up, then watch the precipitous drop once the rest of the world was exposed to this hateful contagion:

http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/26/119203/

As much as I hate directing traffic to BA, that is where the top tier shitty content is generated and you simply must look at those ratings in cold consternation at the crushing pathos of the human condition. It is gut wrenching both figuratively and literally.

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NEW VEDEO REVUE: Drie Floydenens Earl of Bagelswad, syrup stout made with cardamom and dryer sheets

Ultra raer stout only $50, such a bargains for making the drain cleaning. Got those yankee candle tones, indian restaurant, escort spit and liquid shame.

highly recommends.

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NEW VEDEO REVUE: Cogneck Murtes Dark Lords – EXCELENT PIPE UNCLOGS

Had so much fun yesterday almos forgot about all the house cleaning I did. This $50 lottery only beer is exceptional at leaving your pipes smelling like Lucas and Chile Mango pops. If you like a delicious cognac stouts but also want to feel a deep burning in your earns and jawline, this beer has it all. You get the churros, quincinera notes, delicious mole texture, best served from a pinata.

shot in portaint mode becase fuck this beer.

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Three Floyd’s Bourbon Barrel Dark Lerd, ERMAGERD DERK LERD BERNBAN BERRAHL.

I think we already know how I feel about the BASE BEER for this beer. However, the vanilla bourbon version was amazing. Another top 100 bites the dust. Let’s see how this bourbon banger holds up and how far it strays from that sticky sweet base beer in its roots.

The bottle count was 420 brah, so sick. Straight up 7th grader walez brah.

Three Floyds Brewing Co. & Brewpub
Indiana, United States
Russian Imperial Stout | 15.00% ABV

A: As dark as Satan’s magic, a thick black darkness with a dark khaki head to it, everything about this just proclaims obscure undoing. The head takes forever to subside and the murky depths below allow no light to pass through, not even at the edges or bottom. Oil. I don’t remember the base beer being this thick but it starts to lean towards the Abyss and Huna levels.

You like bourbon? rare beers? char? roast? sweetness? 15% abv?
Well then prepare your anus.

S: theres the expected coffee and toffee but also a tiramisu smell or a rye bread in there as well, complex in the overlapping smells, but the alcohol is well integrated. God damn, I could smell this beer until it was oxidized and flat, holding the limp corpse of the beer that used to be. It was like when Sugar Ray’s “FLY” came out, WHAT A GREAT SONG, you just couldn’t get enough of it. Except this beer is actually good and Mark McGrath is a jizz waffle.

T: The mild sweetness from the base beer sets in first with a gentle macaroon and vanilla that is so gully so hood. Next up is light oak char bitterness and toasty smokiness, next a coffee and toffee finish rounds out the taste. Very aggressive in every aspect, but so balanced and in onctrol, it’s like getting your ass beat by a series of different martial arts in a matter of seconds. The middle chocolate dryness is aggressive and I would liken this to bourbon barrel Plead the 5th in a big way.The alcohol is the first to come but the complex sweet and roast start pounding on your tongue just as hard. it’s over in 5 seconds but with serious residual taste. Just like every single Craiglist date that you have been on.

This beer fills me with too. much. want.

M: It coats like cough syrup, if you drank this at 8 am, it would be with you almost until lunchtime, also if you drank this at 8 am you have issues that I cant wrap my head around. Very thick, chewy, like liquid chocolate that you can just feel making residence in your gumline like those mucinex characters, only brown, and with presspots of coffee. really over the top. Then add in a third layer of

D: In some respects, very drinkable, its a warming, thorough drink that hits so many notes youd appreciate it regardless, however, anyone who has more than 2 of these is a liar, or has demons that we cant comprehend. It is aggressive, but gentle, absurd, yet refined. You want to introduce your Vietnamese girlfriend to your parents, but her bourbon barrel face tattoo might be too extreme for them. BUT THAT IS JUST HOW YOU LIKE IT.

Packing all these Fedex boxes wears me out, but is worf it.

Narrative: The threadbare pallor of the bone throne was welcoming, and cool to the touch. “The vassals are ready my liege” he spoke through baited smoky breath, thick with mist. “SEND THEM IN” proclaimed the necromancer as he wet his undead throat with a…ok I just…I can’t
“you can’t what?”
“Just keep with the script”
He exhaled, knowing he true intent, a soul as black as murky depths, the production assistant with hatred flowing through his veins, encouraged and strenthened with every fetched latte, piercing darkness with every pejorative hurled his way. “I just..the script”
“OH YOU JUST? WHY DONT YOU JUST STICK TO YOUR JOB” the director ejaculated with scarring epithets. “SOON MY DARK MASTER SOON” he clutched an amethyst pendant and embraced the darkening of his soul. The third coming of the Kentucky Pazuuzu Bourbon God would soon be upon humanity, and only this one dude at Panera would be spared from the 9 snarling jaws of relentless masticatio- “COME ON! They are BAGELS, not ROCKET SCIENCE!”

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3 Floyd’s Dark Lord, Yes Regular Old Darklord, No Vanilla, No Bourbon, No Brandy Just The Lord Himself.

Well I already did Vanilla Bourbon Dark Lord so we might as well backtrack and hunt down the more accessible offerings so that we know where these whales come from. Some people love this big monster. It sits on the top 100 with two variants of itself and smiles knowingly at the uninitiated. If you do not have extensive experience with 1) imperial stouts and 2) insulin administration, then you need not apply. Let’s burn a somber offering to the Darkest of Lords in today’s review.

I have had multiple vintages of this but I can’t find pics of them, so here’s a pic of the bottle I drew in MS paint for you. Enjoy.

Three Floyds Brewing Co. / Brewery & Pub
Indiana, United States
Russian Imperial Stout | 15.00% ABV

A: thick but not black finish, more like a warm melted brown sugar deep brown, light passes through in a deep mahogany at the edges. This isn’t the most viscous beer that I have ever seen but you can tell it is up to something, the way it swallows the carbonation whole and envelops all signs of lacing.

The dark lord be peepin like a sweet sugar daddy.

S: There is a huge, high heat, sweet coffee and tart toffee notes, with wafty boozy notes. To say that it is sweet smelling would be akin to saying that Sasha Gray is mildly attractive. This has dark fruits, soy sauce aspects, and a strange maltball smell to it like melted whoppers. I got my epipens ready.

T: Wow, several layers to this beast. At the outset it feels like Chocolate Rain Jr. It has a huge malty sweetness, some dark fruits, molasses and sugar, brown nuts, melted cane sugar, 85% chocolate, light dryness, sticky brown sugar, and just incredibly sweet. Imagine if you took all the balance out of Chocolate Rain and then left all the residual sugars without any malts to support this track racer. This beer reminds me of my friend who once put dual engines in a MKII VW Golf, it was insane, loud, overpowered and completely unbalanced. You can’t take it anywhere, no one knows what to do with it, but some people like it like that.

This seems hardcore at first, then you realize it is just a misunderstood sweetheart.

M: there is nice coating that is not overly filling. Ultimately the sweetness is overriding and almost too much, but I enjoy the extremes. This seems like it would clearly be more enjoyable if aged, it is tough to knock it for my own lack of patience. I feel that it lives up to the hype for sheer ambition and amazing execution. However, my experience has been that this beer needs at least 3 years to relax, otherwise those residual sugars take you to the candy shop. It seriously reminds me of thin coffee with too much Sugar In The Raw added to it.

D: This suffers the most simply because I am a jumpy bastard and didn’t let it age. Well guess what, boo hoo, don’t put beer out that isn’t ready to be dranken. But seriously, I have to mark down the 2011 simply because it is, a 2011. The 2012 was even more insane. I bet something like the 2008 would be chocolate sex, but I don’t have the time or patience for that nonsense. It is awesome now, but sublime later, like those hateful smart girls you neglected so fully in geometry.

Everytime Darklord slays a soul, your hypoglycemic index goes up.

Narrative: Among the most challenging items on a daily basis that faced J.P. Cacoaworth was how to close the daily deal. Each day when he walked into his spacious corner office he took a hot snifter of bourbon and ruminated over the idea of closing the deal. Sometimes J.P. was as sweet as a candyman, providing settlement documents with a sticky panache. Sometimes he put the heat on and pressured the other party in by hectoring their better sense. He was a calm master of his trade, patient and full of sweet heat. Some would say that aluminum siding can sell itself, but they likely have not met the petulant master of faux wood coverings. “WELL IF THEY THINK THAT THEY CAN GET MOUNTING BRACKETS FROM ME FOR FREE, THEY HAVE NOT MET THE HATEFUL GOD OF WINDOW COVERINGS AND I WILL FLY DOWN ON MY BLACKENED CHARIOT OF RAGE AND IMPART FIREY SWEETNESS ONTO THEIR CUL DE SAC.” Today was a sweet day.

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Three Floyd’s Bourbon Barrel Vanilla Bean Aged Dark Lord, The Hnngs are substantial

Even while sweet and vanilla, this is still the darkest of lords.

Three Floyd’s Vanilla Aged Dark Lord, 15% abv Imperial Stout

A: The appearance is a deep murky dark brown with wispy light carbonation, but again, I didn’t obtain this in the most legitimate manner, so that likely has something to do with it. The booziness it huge and coats in clear angry strands.

S: There is an incredible vanilla sweetness like a fresh macaroon or vanilla frap. Amazing chocolate and coffee notes support the back end, there’s a waft of huge heat to this that stings the nostrils with a deep heat.

This picture is the complete opposite of Vanilla Dark Lord: smooth, hot, sweet, interesting.

T: The initial taste is incredibly sweet with intense vanilla. The vanilla integrates seamlessly and the sweetness isn’t cloying like the normal Darklord. It is a complete improvement on the old formula. Why in the world that they don’t bottle this is beyond me. There is an amazing coffee and burnt chocolate taste to this beer that just lingers on and on. It like a kiss from an eskimo, who somehow has coffee and chocolate with him.

M: The mouthfeel is like the old school Darklord with an intense heat to it, sticky coating, and lasting sweetness that inherits your mouth in fee simple. It isn’t going anywhere any time soon. This is a good thing since the bold mouthfeel is incredible and welcome just nestled in my molars. My dentist doesn’t approve but HE IS NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

You just wish every beer could be like this beer.

D: Oddly, for a crazy 15% abv stout, this is somehow drinkable. I wish that I had a huge serving of this amazing rare beer, but I dont have the means to perpetually land this crazy beast. I love the sweet heat of this and can only look at Vanilla Darklord as he speeds away with his hand pressed against the back window of the stationwagon as it speeds away, away from my tiny heart.

Narrative: I can’t even write a narrative because my maltboner is at full attenuation. This is insanely good and top 10 stout for sures.