10

Tom Tarry is the Beer Czar of the Interwebs

You do not fuck with Tom Tarry. I know you are probably thinking “who in the name of taint sweat is Tom Tarry?” oh, I don’t know JUST THE SWOLEST FLEXER IN THE RESULTS GROUP:

http://www.showswithresults.com/About-Us.html

If I have learned one thing recently, Tom Tarry will kick your nutsack inside out and turn it into a nice set of inverted ovaries if you attempt to talk shit on any of his beer events. Last week, FujonTap posted a satirical post calling out shitty beerfests:

http://thefuj.com/2014/01/28/i-love-shitty-generic-cookie-cutter-beer-festivals/

In the original post, he used a photo that is ultra-copyrighted, def. not subject to fair use, completely private jpeg that wasn’t even available for viewing by everyone on the entire fucking internet. Except it was. Despite this, Tom Tarry turned off his Scandal marathon and hit the streets for some serious n0x litigation pumps and posted this:

OH SHIT THE MIC HAS BEEN DROPPED SO HARD THAT IT HAS EMP'ed ALL OTHER MICS IN EXISTENCE

OH SHIT THE MIC HAS BEEN DROPPED SO HARD THAT IT HAS EMP’ed ALL OTHER MICS IN EXISTENCE

Needless to say, the owner of the company that hosts shitty beer events anomalously has a shitty sense of humor. The congruence is noteworthy. At first blush, you know Tom Tarry is a hard as fuck computer hacker because he tells you that he “took a photograph” of the webpage. I would like to imagine him fumbling for his Jitterbug and flipping open the 1.2mp camera. Maybe that’s why I like Jitterbug as a company:

One bag of Werther's Originals included with each phone.

One bag of Werther’s Originals included with each phone.

Now, I don’t know how to business, or even do event, but I am pretty confident that public relations are a large part of advertising, event planning, or whatever these services are:

http://www.showswithresults.com/Services.html

I am pretty sure that trying to put a blog owner in a fully nelson and give his cock and indian burn over using an image might not come across favorably for your company. When I saw the Fuj post I was like “alright, he has a point here” but shit got Ray-Bans levels of realness once Tom Tarry entered casting Ultima and legal lawing so hard. It took a normal blog post into an epic litigation cage match, where one of the dudes happens to come across as the adopted school bully with anger issues. Tarry lights up poor old Fuj and notes “You are an embarrassment to the craft beer industry. Fortunately, you have no followers.” Well guess, what, DDB does. In what pundits are calling the most graceful self-effected cockstomp of recent memory, Tom Tarry now has plenty of exposure for his beer events, none of which you previously gave a single fuck about, largely due to the fact that you aren’t some snow stacking mouthbreather n00b in the beer world.

Peep this event game for a second while I prepare to get sued for linking to Tom Tarry’s event:

http://www.albanywinterbrewfest.com/Index.html

Alright, that acrimonious ass voice you hear? You can’t fucking turn it off. Isn’t that amazing! Man I wish they would loop this voice telling me exactly what I am already reading. SUCH MARKETING. I am confident that in between getting a bite to eat and listening to a blaring Irish band, I will learn quite a bit about craft beer. This single festival will further craft beer immeasurably. When a stone drunk 61 year old collapses in his Albany apartment and settles in for some Totino’s Pizza Rolls and Duck Dynasty without a single memory of what the fuck he just drank, it’s like the birth of the next Jean Van Roy.

I linked this from this Swedish blog, http://kidapusen424.blogg.no/dagen_i_dag_3.html, and now I am currently facing international warrants for my arrest.

I hope it was worth it.

Sadly, I have to hide behind my blog so I can’t attend February 8th’s tryst at the Armory. I am confident that when someone demands to MEET ME LIKE A MAN FACE TO FACE that the discussions are going to be fruitful and nuanced. But do I wear my three-button coat or tails?

At the end of the day, if your business strategy involves coercion, tacit threats, public shaming, displays of unrestrained anger, insults, and baseless accusations: I need you. Tom Tarry, Dontdrinkbeer is just getting its legs but you are just the type of person I need on board here on the editorial staff. The next time I have to field some dipshit emails from someone telling me my glass wasn’t cold enough, we can just set up an informal mediation conference where you man-to-man the fuck out of them. Show them DDB means business.

Also, all of the foregoing is the opinion of DDB, so before Tom Tarry starts lubing up his fleshlight and dreaming of all the litigation splendor that is going to be forthcoming, his camo jetski he will purchase with the settlement proceeds, and all the fanfare attendant thereto, he should talk to his legal counsel. I am not making any statements of fact about his business other than I feel that he is a tactless labiamouth who makes shitty websites which accurately portray his shitty beer festivals. That’s all.

IF YOU WANT TO MEET MAN TO MAN TO DISCUSS THE MERITS OF DEFAMATION LAW AND LIBEL PER SE STANDARDS YOU CAN MEET ME AT THE SHAKEY’S PIZZA IN RIVERSIDE I WILL BE CARRYING MANY LEATHER BOUND TOMES EAGER TO EDUCATE YOUR FACE ABOUT ANTI-SLAPP MOTIONS, SUPPRESSION OF FREE SPEECH, AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSES TO SPURIOUS LITIGATION AND MALICIOUS PROSECUTION UNDER THE DIGITAL MILLENNIUM COPYRIGHT ACT. We will go man on man.

Since Mr. Tarry doesn't want his photo used, I drew him in MS Paint vomiting on the First Amendment.  Now it is art and therefore protected.

Since Mr. Tarry doesn’t want his photo used, I drew him in MS Paint vomiting on the First Amendment. Now it is art and therefore protected.

5

FINALLY: The Christian Argument to [DONT] Drink Beer

I am sure both of the DDB readers saw the recent EARTH SHATTERING EXPOSE on Christians and beer drinking. If you somehow missed it, like you were in detox after new years, or your Yu Gi Oh tournament got way fucking out of hand, HERE IT IS:

http://www.nathanrouse.org/2014/01/01/a-caution-for-every-christian-that-drinks-alcohol/

You wake up thinking you are going to have a fun new year, post some pics of your ribald good times of you and your escort friends drinking: OH WAIT YOU ARE AN ENABLING ASSHOLE. I have just one question for you labiamouthed heathens, when you posted that picture of Fantome Pomplemousse, did you have any idea you were being a cruel temptress to all those people who have no idea what the fuck Pomplemousse is? Well you are, and your esoteric beers make our lives HARDER.

Every time you post a photo of a barleywine, a brewer stomps on a baby hedgehog.  Post wisely.

Every time you post a photo of a barleywine, a brewer stomps on a baby hedgehog. Post wisely.

“The often overlooked sin that is rearing its ugly head are Christians displaying their love and consumption of alcohol to those around them in public and on social media, when there are many around them that struggle with this temptation and addiction.”

I bet your insensitive ass didn’t give two fucks about your alcoholic friends who would deeply pine over that picture of Selectie C, despite the fact that they have no fucking clue what it is. Esoteric beer drinkers are enablers and a scourge upon social media. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen someone open a 2005 Gratitude and suffer cascading relapses. Your rare beers are ruining the lives of others, you selfish prick.

“We sin against other Christians and “wound their conscience” (as well as sin against Christ) when we openly act in a way that would cause them to stumble.”

You thought you were being showy with your disgusting bottle of Moscatal Dark Lord, but you didn’t know you were wounding tens of tens of souls. While we are on the subject, why did you invite your new girlfriend to our tasting dressed like that. Like seriously, was that a BEBE dress? I haven’t seen a size 3 girl in months and you have to bring her around the rest of us 18-minute-milers and lead us into temptation. I have news for you though, I will never cheat on my Zoosk girlfriend or my secondlife wife. They don’t know about one another. I WILL PREVAIL DESPITE YOUR BEER TEMPTATION AND SOME GIRL WHO WASHES HER HAIR.

Please enjoy your barrel aged stouts in silent, unposted shame.  Think of the children.

Please enjoy your barrel aged stouts in silent, unposted shame. Think of the children.

“Now, before you say you only do this with others that are like-minded or with your spouse, let me ask the following questions:

Do you highlight or joke about your drinking in person or on social media (posting pictures of your margarita, wine or bottles of beer)?”

We have all seen your albums and albums of alcoholic beverages, those half ounce pours of Dave, those casual afterbrunch Mimosas made with ’99 Bellevue Lambic: THEY HURT THE MOST. As my readers are aware, I have championed not drinking beer for years. I have ever kept a comprehensive gallery of beers to avoid so that people can identify a Kaggen! if they see one and be like “wait hang on, that’s not Kombucha, I am not drinking that shit.” Despite my efforts, they are groups on the internet that still oppress those subject to the lashes of temptation. It doesn’t help that you post pictures of succulent reubens when you I AM ON A LOW SODIUM DIET SO THAT I CAN GET BACK TO MY BOWLING LEAGUE. I don’t need to see thick cut sauerkraut just nestled on cascading folds of salty corned beef, you insensitive foreskin rimmer.

If you want to publicize your beer life, you should have a private website, something with an account, and a circle of likeminded friends. I for one don’t need to see your tawdry filth, Framboos cascading over erect nipples, or whatever the photos look like. I don’t look at that kind of stuff. I come home from a hard day of work, deeply inhale in my hairdoll collection and watch Super Fun Night like a decent person. I don’t need top tier lambics to have a good time.

You can't begin to understand other people's dark temptations.  Please refrain posting anything, starting with beer.

You can’t begin to understand other people’s dark temptations. Please refrain from posting anything, starting with beer.

“Do you drink in public when there’s a good chance you might meet someone struggling with alcohol?”

You probably do. Just being forthright with your good times, pressing your dick against the deli glass in the grocery store with careless impropriety. Listen, it’s not that hard. If you engage in anything that might tempt someone else, do it alone in secrecy, or not at all; don’t go drenching those chiseled abs in Wooden Hell. No one wants to see that, in fact if you just want to send those directly to my inbox for proper disposal I will make sure no one is hurt by your tawdry filth.

I will close with this truth:

“I love you and I don’t want anything to dim the light that’s shining in and through you.”

I drink these shitty beers for you, every single Truffle Abduction variant, for you. I get rid of these obscure mid-2000s saisons to protect you. I don’t want your light to be dimmed by walez.

49

You Are Not a Brewer, You Are a Panhandler with a Kickstarter Account.

Here’s a general business tip to anyone looking to start a mediocre brewery in 2014: if the initial funding for your shitty project involves shaking an alms cup on the internet, your beers will probably taste like afterbirth. Consumers are dumb, beer drinkers are even dumber. Dipshits regularly pay hundreds of dollars for bottles of beer that have marginally worse analogs available off the shelf. Remember when I reviewed fucking Depuration? that should be proof enough that the craft beer world is full of cockstains without mountains of disposable income.

One thing about beer nerds though, they have excellently calibrated bullshit detectors. You may beguile them into paying $250.00 for a Reserve Society that promises 2 glasses and a plaque, but even the sloppiest mantits will not pony up money FOR BEER THAT DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING EXIST. Recently there have been ropes and ropes of precum turned out by “brewers” who promise eternal anal massages for pennies on the dollar and forthcoming ambrosial treats. If you saw one of these people on the street they would look like this:

Future master brewer at work

Future master brewer at work

Most of these smegma projects are two assholes with a 10 gal setup who have drank enough of their own shitty red ales to decide that they are now professional brewers. Wanking it in a garage every other Sunday doesn’t make you a professional, no one sees me putting up a Kickstarter to fund my Daredorm account. Most of the time the Kickstarter makes oblique promises that range from “one wish” to “potentially nothing.” Let’s say you had a raging hard cock to make sure Oregon City got some janky irish ales, DON’T YOU FECKING WORRY:

That’s right, for $500, you can DESIGN A BEER THAT MAY LIVE ON FOREVER (if all the permits and equipment and tap licenses and zoning permits and municipal compliance papers and merchandising rights are locked down: FOREVER.) Chances are, if you are letting random fucking people stumble in and start designing recipes, your shit is likely going to make Short’s Brewing look like a purist domain.

How about this, do you have fucking Alzheimers? Are you totally incapable of finding a bottle opener but need to get drunk to forget about that one night in Cinncinnati? OH SHIT AN APPLBEES MUG WITH AN OPENER BUILT INTO IT:

Next time when you wanna sip Framboos out of a clunky shitty plastic mug, YOU WONT NEED TO FIND ANYTHING TO GET THE CORK OU- oh. Shit. This technically isn’t from brewers, but I am sure it will make any virgin/Steelers fan happy.

If you donate $10,000 to my horrible anuswater startup you will receive one baby Pangolin.

If you donate $10,000 to my horrible anuswater startup you will receive one baby Pangolin.

Perhaps you want to see Colorado’s struggling beer scene finally get the legs that it so desperately needs. Maybe you read Jurassic Park one too many times and now draw erotic dinosaur fan fiction. Well these guys at Fossil Brewing have you covered:

If you donate $1,000.00 to them you get…TO NAME THEIR FERMENTER. I am not shitting you up the dick, you will ascend to a God-like level and be able to his the ultimate apotheosis in naming a huge aluminum cylinder. The woman that works at Chik-Fil-A has 5 dildos, each with a different name. For way less money you can name her next marital aid and feel good about helping people under the poverty line.

I was just gonna waste hundred of dollars on heroin this year but then I saw this dude IS GONNA MAKE BROWN ALES HOLY FUCK

I was just gonna waste hundred of dollars on heroin this year but then I saw this dude IS GONNA MAKE TRADITIONAL BROWN ALES HOLY FUCK

Maybe you didn’t read about it in the news but Phoenix is in a state of complete national emergency THERE IS NOWHERE TO PURCHASE A QUALITY CZECH LAGER. Co-eds from Tempe have been bussing in and sucking cocks just to land precious bottles of that rare libation. Have no fear, these guys are here to save the fucking day:

You may be thinking “wait, what qualifies these guys to take upwards of a G from me?” Uh well, a little something called “AWARDS” maybe youve heard of them? Unnamed awards from PLACES. Also, “[the brewer] showed up to a local Oktoberfest with a cinnamon sourdough concoction. His kegs were dry long before those of the local breweries surrounding him. People asked “Sourdough and cinnamon? Why?” His answer was simple: “Because I can.” It is with this tenacious “Because I can.” mentality that he approaches each and every brew.” BECAUSE IT IS ARIZONA SO FUCK YOU.

WAIT FUCK HOW MANY LOGO PINT GLASSES FOR YOUR IMAGINARY COMPANY DO I GET HANG ON I NEED TO SEE IF I CAN LIQUIDATE MY 401K REALLY QUICK

WAIT FUCK HOW MANY LOGO PINT GLASSES FOR YOUR IMAGINARY COMPANY DO I GET HANG ON I NEED TO SEE IF I CAN LIQUIDATE MY 401K REALLY QUICK

In summation, if you don’t have a legitimate business plan, real backers, financial acumen, a tested product, a consumer base that actually gives a fuck, unique beers that don’t rely on shitty adjuncts, and a proven track record beyond praise from your alcoholic/child molester uncle: you probably shouldn’t be opening a brewery. Get back to selling oranges by the freeway and dreaming of your TRIPEL ORANGE CREAM DREAMSICLE WITBIER AGED IN GRAND MARNIER BARRELS AND HONDURAN TEARS.

Post your favorite shitty kickstarter in the comments section.

2

Thousands of Overweight Beer Hobbyists Resolve “NO BEER IN 2014” and Endure a Record-Breaking 4 Days of Sobriety

The New Year is a time for ambitious resolutions for some people: learning a new language, spending less money on clothes, or quitting smoking. For others, the New Year’s Resolution means not being a sloppy alcoholic diabetic for upwards of half a week.

“I know 2014 is going to be my year” Jacob Wilkerson declared while picking out all of the Sunchips from a bag of MunchEms. “It’s like, there’s more to life than just drinking beer, inputting it into my phone, talking about it, and then spending all my $230 a month of disposable income on it,” Wilkerson noted while losing his breath declaring the compound sentence, “its just like…I am better than…that.” Jacob is one of many basement-dwelling thirty somethings who has resolved to take on this ambitious challenge for the New Year. Last year, Wilkerson put up a staggering 4 solid days of sobriety under his resolution and was the talk of his local homebrew club, Paying Attenuation. “They couldn’t believe I skipped the Hopslam vertical tasting on January 1st, and when they saw how I was fitting in my Anchor Blue jeans, the guys knew it was serious,” Jacob stated succinctly after eating 3 Taco Bell stuffed Nacho’s followed by a 32oz Baja Blast, “it’s all about goals and keeping your progression in sight.”

LukeAllen1

One such hopeful, Michael Dimitrio, noted his successes the past year. “I made it all the way into mid-January without having any beer, well if you don’t count tasters, because that’s not like a whole beer. Tasters don’t count.” Dimitro noted and washed his Tired Hands screen print t-shirt in his grandmother’s kitchen sink. “It will be good for me, it’s not like my life revolves around beer. I have visitation rights of my kids every other weekend and an awesome job at a metal fabrication plant, people act like focusing on sugar water makes me some kind of loser,” Michael tacked up his Three Floyds hop harvest wall calendar and drew an “X” through January 1 while eating cold cookie dough. “I am definitely NOT a loser. If you dont know the difference between a Biere de Garde and a standard Farmhouse, maybe you are the fucking loser,” Dimitrio noted sagely.

While the three most prolific beer sites annually note a marked downturn in traffic from their 2200 most prolific/diabetic contributors, Okcupid and Zoosk.com note a consistent uptick in new members every year during the first week. “Oh the ‘Beer Nerd Influx?’ ha, yeah we get that every year, like clockwork,” noted Plentyoffish.com analyst, Daniel Thomasson, “it is a sudden influx of newly-sober, overweight men who have decided that they are ready to mingle with the opposite sex again. It’s a beautiful thing really.”

Indiana-resident, Daryl Abrahms has already set forth plans for his new sober lifestyle, “I am definitely working out like, every day. I played second string noseguard 12 years ago, so I figure after quitting beer I should be back in my highschool shape in a solid 3, maybe 4 weeks if I hit the low resistance cardio real hard,” Abrahms noted while drinking a glass boot full of 14% coffee stout. “Well I can’t just quit beer for 2014 and leave all my coffee stouts to fade, that would be fucking dumb,” Daryl opined while showing off the opulent IKEA racks in his leaky cellar lit by a single bulb. “I will probably carbo load with all my hoppy beers just before the New Year, to make sure they don’t fade,” Abrahams commented while nodding pensively at his fitness/drinking regiment chart. “It’s tough but I think the hardest part about giving up beer is going to bars and talking to women about it. Girls get real intimidated when they see how intellectually superior you are if you start explaining the difference between a pilsner and a kolsch,” Daryl quipped while pouring a liter of malt water into a glass mug, “some people can be so ignorant, you wouldn’t believe.”

For the craft beer industry itself, it is the hardest 13 days of the year when this group of overweight middle-aged men make a concerted effort to improve their lives. “There are absolutely no beer releases during early to mid January, it is a ghost town,” noted Terrapin Brewing cellarmaster, Rodney Weinstein, “its like the world stops for almost two weeks and no one wants to consume 800 empty calories on a daily basis. It’s the worst time of the year, really.” In addition to the craft beer market, replacement part orders for ellipticals consistently skyrocket as gyms attempt to keep pace with their husky new patrons.

The 2014 year is shaping up to be a promising year for craft beer enthusiasts and maladjusted gourmands alike.

3

I DONT HAVE READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS, but I do have opinions about Heady Topper

OH SHIT HUGE BREAKING NEWS ENTIRE CRAFT BEER WROLD TOTALLY CHANGES:

http://www.alchemistbeer.com/a-difficult-decision/

After a super difficult decision, the Cannery at Alchemist will no longer be selling Heady Topper at the cannery. Like if you show up, NO HEADY TOPPER. In what many are calling a bold gambit for the beer world, this ambitious brewery is taking their product and selling it to an intermediary (tentatively called a “STORE OWNER” for the time being, details developing.) Now from what eye witness accounts are reporting from standing outside the cannery, apparently the store keeper then has plans to RESELL the Heady Topper. The Alchemist is attempting to latch some Dead Hand control by suggesting a Retail Price, but what this likely means is the end of Heady Topper as we all know it.

Now I know the article claims “The good news is this will not affect our production levels” but what does that really mean? I know that when I was fired from the Nescafe production facility for masturbating in the breakroom, PRODUCTION NEVER WENT DOWN I JUST LOST MY JOB. Now Heady Topper appears to be completely gone. Who knows what these alleged “STORES” will be even doing with the cans? Are we given any assurances that the cans will even actually not be beer? I didn’t think so.

Pictured above: the public reels from Alchemist's incredibly selfish decision to not allow the public to trapse around their facility pell mell

Pictured above: the public reels from Alchemist’s incredibly selfish decision to not allow the public to trapse around their facility pell mell

It is a sad day in the beer world, to be sure. I had a series of pre-pre trades set up for brewery only releases for my ultra rare DIPA, now how does that sound, Veritas 12 for a STORE ONLY release? Vermont has essentially sank to Illinois levels of audacity. If anyone wants to do a store only for store only trade, looking to land some BCBS Coconut also, but that’s another post.

I think we can all agree that shutting down their industrial production facility is short sighted and a slight to the public. As a beer drinker, I am entitled to come and rummage through canning lines, nod pensively while hearing about brite tanks, and transpose dipshit homebrew questions to men working 14 hour days stirring wort. That’s my right. Now they just unilaterally take that away from the beer world, its like: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN HIDING ALCHEMIST? Suddenly a closed door policy, just like when I worked at the Nescafe facility. Beginning of the end, for sure. WHERE ARE WE EVEN SUPPOSED TO SELF GUIDED TOUR? Outside? Thanks for the HOPSpitality, amirite?

Pictured above: children of divorce due to Alchemist closure

Pictured above: children of divorce due to Alchemist closure

When reached for comment, marketing representative from Alchemist Brewing noted, “it is clear that people in Vermont have exceeding difficulties with reading comprehension. We will be offering weekend courses to instruct grown men with adult literacy, which apparently remains a challenge within the ambit of our fanbase. The classes will not be conducted in the brewpub.”

One onlooker, Walter Jeffries, called the Alchemist’s statement “a false concession, completely igneous and riparian,” and shook his head upon pretending to read it.

More details as they develop.

0

Local Online Beer Retailer Considers Completely Ruining Their Entire Fucking Site with Rare Beer Release

New York based online retailer, HalftimeBeverage is no stranger to the online beer racket. The site has provided quality craft beer wares and off-shelf items to customers for years without pause or interruption.

“We recently have begun contemplating completely fucking ruining our entire site with an online release,” noted site Administrator, Sanjay Singh, “things have just been going way too smoothely lately. It is time to bait our overweight nationwide audience with a small cache of “rare” beers.”

Pictured above: theoretical photo of a woman wasting hours online attempting to buy beer.

Pictured above: theoretical photo of a woman wasting hours online attempting to buy beer.

Mr. Singh is no stranger to the beer game himself and has assisted with the administration of Halftimebeverages since the site’s inception. “We once sold Brooklyn Black OPs online and our servers hit 82% capacity” he commented as he took a long pull from a Capri Sun, “we were shocked, I mean, have you tasted that garbage?”

The halls of HalftimeBeverage are busy with people walking to and from meetings concerning the forthcoming site crash. “We have about 2 cases of Goose Island Juliet, that’s pretty rare right?” one HTB intern inquired as the hushed meeting. “What we are looking to do is boost traffic to the site, sell bottles online to a number of people with orders we cannot possible fulfill and ultimately disappoint the fuck out of our customer base,” explained CFO of HalftimeBeverages, James Chalmbers “if we aren’t getting 404 errors for at least 5 hours after the sale, we have done something seriously wrong.”

Devin Millings is one such craft beer afficionado who plans to contribute to the crashing the complete destruction of the online retailer. “I don’t like standing in lines, plus I can keep WoW on my split monitor support while I push f5 repeatedly,” Millings noted while pushing fistfulls of Combos into his unkempt gullet, “I just want that Juliet, I bet it’s so fucking good. We don’t get that in Louisiana so it’s so rare. Mmm wow, I can almost already taste it.”

Servers are projected to be "completely fucked" for at least 2 weeks after the publicity stunt.

Servers are projected to be “completely fucked” for at least 2 weeks after the forthcoming publicity stunt.

Online marketing strategist Jacob Walmsly explained the publicity stunt succinctly, “what you do is post beers that people will want, and then disappoint the shit out of them. You get to spend weeks fielding complaints from angry consumers with zero stake in your company, remap your servers, make off-shelf beers seem rare, and altogether provide almost zero service to your customers. It really is a win-win for all parties involved.” Walmsly then drew a series of unlabeled Venn Diagrams to illustrate his opaque point.

“I don’t want to trade beers, that’s for losers” Millings observed, “if I can buy a marked up bottle online and show it to my homebrew club, then they will respect me. I have a Dunkelweissen brewi-” Millings noted as he rummaged through a bin of old Wizard magazines searching for a recipe that was unlocated at press time.

“At the end of the day, we want our server to crash and we are looking to disappoint a lot of people,” Chalmbers stated, “it makes us look relevant to a community of beer aficionados who don’t know what the fuck they are doing. Everyone wins.”

At the conclusion of the meeting, QC manager Michael Washinton inspected the three cases of Goose Island Gillian to be sold online, “all 36 bottles present and accounted for. If I were a dipshit with no Fedex account, I would be really excited to press F5 for 90 minutes and received nothing. Super excited.”

0

FOODREPUBLIC.com is serving up some HAWT Beer TRADEING TIPZZZ

Alright, close that Bangbus tab and get ready for some fucking sticky hot knowledge to be dropped upon you from Food Republic. YOU WANT TO TRADE BEERS MOTHERFUCKER? Well the authority on Beer Swapping: FOOD REPUBLIC is ready to school you harder than 3rd grade Vietnamese calculus:

http://www.foodrepublic.com/2013/08/08/5-steps-mastering-art-beer-trading

My face when I receive a box of beer from FOODREPUBLIC, 4 month old Nugget Nectar? Wtf.

My face when I receive a box of beer from FOODREPUBLIC, 4 month old Nugget Nectar? Wtf.

Jon Katz master whale slayer with sickkk tipzzzz on trading. Whoever gets that illpacked stock photo box of offshelf UK Beers is gonna be so stoked.

“the postage is usually higher than the beer itself.” – Who is the person making these trades? Fedex across the country costs $15.00 on average and most people aren’t just stroking it and shipping a single box with only shelfturds like Patio Pils and 312 (NOW IN CANS), with the exception of super grateful Bruery Trustees sending those coveted thank you boxes of stale gems.

“Brews you’ve been dying to try that you simply can’t get where you live. For me, those beers were from Jester King, Karbach, St. Arnolds and No Label” with the exception of a few JK beers, this may be the least uttered sentence in the history of the English language, just after “I cant believe I fucked that guy dressed like Captain Planet, for an Arch Deluxe.” Search the forums, no one is seeking those beers, but to each his own JKatz, you old minx.

"Hey foodie friends, let's get into trading bee- OH FUCK NONONONO"

“Hey foodie friends, let’s get into trading bee- OH FUCK NONONONO”

“Don’t buy beer on eBay. Don’t EVER buy beer on eBay.” what if the beer you want is completely inaccessible except on a resale site? You just grit your teeth and lube up to pics of Kaggen and dream a lil nocturnal emission. The fact is many beers command well over their Ebay pricetags in trade value, I guess the monastic stoicism in defending a resale is commendable in that instance, but trading 12:1 is hardly laudable by contrast.

“Use 1 flat-rate shipping box” This is an excellent idea if you would like to send someone a soggy pile of broken glass and brown cardboard. These boxes are tiny and leave little room for insulation, further they are just the right “throwing size” for lazy Fedex or UPS workers. Furthermore, you can fit a maximum of 3 bombers in those, that’s if you are hitting it super raw dogggg no protection craigslist escort style. None of the aforementioned packing items would even fit on the “Large” flat rate box. No raw dog, wrap it up breh.

I am gonna transfer my Karma from Pretzeltrader.com to show my box cred, FOOD REPUBLIC STEEZE

I am gonna transfer my Karma from Pretzeltrader.com to show my box cred, FOOD REPUBLIC STEEZE

“Expect to pay between $15-30 per box, so make it count. Ideally the trade is “valued” at double the shipping. It’s about the same as if you ordered from an online retailer” Make your own Fedex account. Stop being a weak penis. Most people value the beers inside beyond their intrinsic dollar value. Some saggy tittied trader would be pissed if HF Mimosa broke in transit, the first thing they said would not be “I PAID AT LEAST $20 for THE SHIPPING ON THAT BOX” there would be zero fucks given, unless you are just pushing futile “ROGUE FOR STONE” type of trades. In which case, yeah, shipping bills are probably the thing you look forward to most.

Maybe you are too much of a little girl to start a dangerous new hobby. Maybe you arent ready for diabetes and domestic disputes.

Maybe you are too much of a little girl to start a dangerous new hobby. Maybe you arent ready for diabetes and domestic disputes.