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@Willoughbybrew Peanut Butter Cup Coffee Porter, For When You Need both Coffee AND Peanut Butter in Your AM Beverage

This beer is like those clandestine moments in the shower, where you spread your asscheeks and let the warm water run between: you aren’t proud of enjoying it, but there is something refreshing about it you can’t deny. Usually if I saw the word “porter” with that many adjectives bolted on like a late 90’s Integra, I would LOL and keep on getting farmhoused. In this instance, I heard legitimately great things about this LOW ABV, CLEAN, NOT NEEDLESSLY SWEET offering. My c1 fractured under the attempts to reconcile the name with these appraisals. It’s like meeting an interesting, insightful communications major. You cannot comprehend how such a reconciliation is possible.

There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s, unless it is out of your cousin’s anus. Let’s review this shit.

Trap all day, sip all night, this is the life of a goticka

Trap all day, sip all night, this is the life of a goticka

Willoughby Brewing
Ohio, United States
Style | ABV
American Porter | 5.50% ABV

Commercial Hand Job:
A consistent award winner and truly unique taste experience brought you only by Willoughby Brewing Company. We start by brewing a robust porter and infusing it with locally roasted coffee and a special peanut butter and chocolate flavor. The result is a beer like no other you’ve had before. Some people say they taste more coffee than peanut butter, others say the opposite. Which is it you taste?

You will get in the damndest scenarios drinking this crushable beer

You will get in the damndest scenarios drinking this crushable beer

A: Alright, this is distinctly a porter through and through and presents beautiful mocha foam like those darkwood cabinets you covet at Home Depot but then you realize you rent a shitty studio apartment. The deep black has a nimble BP oiliness to it that doesn’t coat especially well and washes clean like the filthy banks of the Gulf of Mexico, except you cant help but take a dip.

S: This presents an awesome roastiness in line with Edmund Fitzgerald, a comparison this Ohio brewery is probably sick to fucking death of hearing. Notwithstanding, being put in the ranks of the best is tolerable at worst and this adds a coffee profile and is less acidic roast, more of a South American/civet toastiness like burned rye bread that works well with the baker’s cocoa sweetness from the nose. It doesn’t seem excessively adjunct forward and neither aspect really steals the show or makes the porter sit in the back of the Econoline van with promises of candy and puppies. Everyone gets their turn on the porter bang bus. As far as peanuts go, I have no fucking clue. There is a light almondy presence and a sort of light nuttiness you would get from a malty brown ale, but not like PETER PAN NUTS IN YOUR NOSE status.

I could crush more of this, but Ohio seems so far away

I could crush more of this, but Ohio seems so far away

T: The coffee puts the first foot forward and, while not the most exceptional coffee blend or roast, it works well with the malt profile to provide a depth and bittering basis for all of the sweet madness that is predicated upon it. You need a solid foundation, always invite a 300 lbs man to your gangbangs, it will become clear why. The middle of the swallow has the peanut I was searching for earlier, and the nut is a brackish salty affair that would be strange on its own, but I can swallow heavy loads if it is sweet enough. The sweetness is the chocolate aspect which isn’t exactly like Tootsie Roll, it is more like those greenpeace $4.00 TCHO chocolate bars you usually see lesbians buying at Whole Foods. It’s a classy sustainable chocolate to enjoy in your Subaru.

M: This beer is as thin as Natalie Portman double donging Rachel Zoe. it drinks like a 4% export stout offering and is limitlessly crushable. You ever play Alpha Centauri and look up and 9 hours have passed and you forgot to pick your kids up from swim practice? That’s how this beer is, you drill an entire growler on accident and then suddenly it’s “officer the cuffs are too tight.” The clean swallow with the robust roast is a great combo that can lead to some serious mischief. Do yourself a favor and kennel your pets before you get all up in this mix, that 2L serving size will serve you just find, provided you dont have access to your ex’s numbers. LOL you dont even have an ex, let’s be real here.

This beer is straight decadence

This beer is straight decadence

D: See above, this is staggeringly croosh and even croosh progeny will salute the manner in which it is disposed. Take a crazy crooshable beer like Lagunitas DayTime IPA, then make it a porter, with insane flavors across the board. It is in that realm of drinkability where, after 64 ounce, you start thinking you can do things, like, say you have never fenced in your life, you would suddenly look at the Epee like you know some shit. It’s that kinda beer.

Narrative: Peter Legumee had the worst route out of all of the ice cream trucks in western Ohio. He drove by the DOW industrial chemical refinery, in the section 8 housing suburbs, then closed his run down near the quarry. Nobody was trying to eat a Pink Panther when the air smelled like curry and burning pubes. Then one day, Peter got into his shoddily modifier confectionary-mobile and had a realization: coffee and peanut brittle. He decided that lactose heavy frozen treats weren’t what these leatherneck Ohioans wanted, they needed roast and salt to fuel their lives dancing just above the poverty line. He would roll right up the Dawn Soap manufacturing plant with his pentatonic jingle playing and the men would stream out in their coveralls, dunking barklike shards of peanut brittle into scalding hot V60 cups of Intelligensia coffee. It was a winning combo for the rockbreakers at the quarry too, they even gave him a complimentary fragment of basalt in gratitude. Yes sir, it was a bright day in Western Ohio that day, such that no one even noticed when the river caught on fire, the coffee was just THAT GOOD.

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Terrapin Hopzilla, White Men Can’t Jump, But HOP PUNS sure can

I always scratch my chin and look with supreme circumspect glances when someone outside of California tells me about their awesome Double IPA. It’s like someone at a bar who hypes up how hot the girls are that are not at the club you currently are at, yet under it all you know deep inside that it might be true, inside (HIGH SCORE MOST PREPOSITIONS IN A SINGLE SENTENCE.) So I heard about this Double IPA from Terrapin, a brewery that I have a special fondness for anyway. From their marketing to their rad product, I am on board with their intents. Some say that they made REM form, I like to believe that, hailing from Athens, Georgia, they made REM break up. EITHER WAY IS AWESOME.

Japanese people hold a special reverence and respect for this beer, despite having never heard of it and having no access to it.

Terrapin Beer Company
Georgia, United States
American Double / Imperial IPA | 10.80% ABV

Alright so we have a burly, almost 11% abv DIPA on our hands here, look out, complete hard ass coming through. The appearance is awesome, and not just for the style FOR ANYTHING. It has a purely brass radiance that you can see through with a perfectly luminous sheen to it. The carbonation is almost annoying, but bubbly to a fault, like an insecure recent divorcee, but you understand the intent and forgive it. The smell is interesting because at first it hits that tropical o spot (olfactory) but then the heat warms it and it gets onto this honey meets pinecone jam sesh that I am less stoked on. The stoke levels remain noteworthy throughout.

An incredibly hoppy beer from Georgia, no time to explain.

The taste is downright neighborly and it feels like a local kid just raked your leaves and Old Man Clemson just baked one of his famous wheatgrass pies. The block is bustling with honey and springtime and also there is a drug dealer pumping 10.8% abv to the kids RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE. Seriously, check your kids room, there’s some ABV snuck in here and Trojan babies will be thrown from the windows when the sacking is complete. I guess you can read that as a larger USC reference, but no one going to that school would have their hands on this, which is a blessing to all.

And now there is a pinecone in your mouth. Wat.

The mouthfeel has this deeply herbal stickiness like clearing super bubonic cashed g13, in common parlance. I have no notes to improve because it is basically doing its own thing, like that crazy dude weaking British Knights and dancing at 7/8ths time in the club, it’s like, he’s original and still good at doing…that…so you just don’t harsh his mellow. I would seek this out again, but more likely cross my fingers and hope for it as an extra in a box.

Ran out of time, i will jazz this post up later, for the haters, so no narrative today.

Here’s an adorable pic to tithe you over:

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Bell’s Hopslam, Someone Went and Slammed All My Hops and Dreams.

I have had this beer twice. Once I raped myself (beersturbation) bought one for $20 off ebay and it was 6 months old. That was hardly a fair tick, so I decided to trade for a new one, 2 weeks old and compare. The result is an ultra legit review.

I prefer my hops in a submission hold, but the hopslam is an excellent move as well.

Bells’ Hopslam DIPA, 10% abv

A: Mildly opaque golden hues, brighter and more apricot than most DIPAs and it doesn’t look exceptionally malty. Nice thick white cumulus head with huge thick lacing. It has a great look to it and you just want to bump some Ronettes and ask this beer why it wont be your little hop baby.

Everyone always talks about how the preivous year of Hopslam was better. It's a pretty solid beer but why they hatin?

S: Huge sweet hoppy character that comes off extremely saccharine and herbal. The hop cloud is like an olfactory bomb you can smell 18” away. It is vegetal in the end and a bit too herbal for my citrusy nose, but to each his own I guess.

T: There is an initial huge sweetness that isn’t exactly citrus, it tastes more funnel cake/cinnabon, then the herbal and lime flavors initiate into a great bouquet. The finish is a huge spinach and pine blast that just pangs of salad and fresh greens. It isn’t what I am seeking in a DIPA, but it is by no means offputting, again just different. I am not being a homer on this, my favorite IPAs are made in Vermont, it just isn’t for me.

Well well well, another ultra hopped beer you say? I'm listening...

M: For a beer this big it is incredibly drinkable. The mouthfeel isn’t overly coating or exceptionally filling, but the flavors are relentless. I want to drain my glass with increasing celerity ::pushes glasses up nose:: The coating is a sweet little mixed greens salad ninja. Staying on the greenest greens call this beer a vegetarian. All you smell is strange clouds.

D: This is incredibly drinkable and I would say that the ABV places it in leagues with several different classes of beers. This will warm you in the winter or cool you off with awesome refreshing sweet notes in the summer. Just fantastic all around; even with a bit of age it is still an impressor. It is much better fresh but again the lack of juicy childlike citrus puts it down a notch in my esteem but I can see why people who dont have access to fresh Pliny all the time would be all jazzed up about this.

Bells beer feels more inherently partiotic or american to me, something about the craftsmanship or the fact that it gets you excessively wasted. God bless the midwest.

Narrative: Sure, it wasn’t the WWE, but the triple title, welter weight tristate professional wrestling competition was nothing to sneeze at. The competitions behind the Tastee Freeze lacked the ambiance of a pure demonstrative environment for the masses, but the hum of the generator provided a mild lull for the public lacking dental insurance. A dim spotlight, spotlight loosely being referred to as a Belkin floodlight, shined furiously on the center of the canvas ring. A 9 year old girl swayed gently on the ropes awaiting the entrances. The smell of cut grass and grapefruit began to fill the baleful air, the mist of sticky herbal sweetness lingering within each patrons’ nose: Hopundertakehopper had arrived. He burst through the back bus room door and performed his classic flying maneuver, whose name needs no recitation at this juncture.