8

Top 10 Reasons Why Basic Bitch Palates Love Adjunct Stouts

Between PIRATE BOMB, and BA MEXICAN CAKE SETS and BA ABRAXAS and BIGGELESWADE DERK LERD AND STONE’S NEW CINNAMON TOAST AFTERBIRTH PLACENTA EXTRAVAGANZA: we have been perineum deep in adjunct stouts. There is something about the allure of all them ingredients on the label that drive basic tickers absolutely banana sandwich. Today I try to sum up why n00bs and sundollar nippled basement dwellers LOVE THEM ADJUNTIFIED STOUTS:

1. THE ABV
Most people attempting to stretch their anuses in the beer game go micro -> hop head -> stouts -> big barrel aged beers -> and end up as the permavirgin lambic coveter you take pity on wearing a tribly scribbling in a Moleskin, shit people should never read. Those journals look like Kevin Spacey’s from Se7en. But in the middle of this degenerative reverse evolution, pussy tickers get it into their heads that a high abv is something difficult to pull off, and they are forged from the cauldron of Hephaestus just because they can slam a 13% abv beer. If you go to any basic bitch bottle share there will always be one dude talking about taking down HUUUUGE BEERS, his swampy armpits redolent with pasta water. Adjunct stouts serve up some high abv and that is anomalously a point of pride for people who don’t know shit. They eat it up.

2. THE COLOR, BRO
If you add chocolate or black patent malt to 168 degree water, you are a fucking genius and god among men. I know most people see you as a sugar water stirring fuckup who was dishonorably discharged from the Coast Guard, but you learned HOW TO MAKE WATER DARK AS FUCK. Basic tickers love this shit. They use tired ass adjectives and sheet it on the glass to get those furrowed foreskins pull taut. To their even more basic friends, its a sign of bragadocio when they get to pop wheelies with adjunct laden dark liquids. SOMEDAY YOULL GET ON THIS LEVEL MAN “OH WOW I DONT EVEN SEE HOW YOU CAN DRINK THAT, ALSO YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE BAKED BEANS, WOW.”

3. Flavors Any Dipshit Could Identify
If you haven’t tried that many beers, life can be a dizzying mystery of tastes and smells. NO ONE CALL TELL ME WHAT I SUBJECTIVELY TASTE IS WRONG. Is usually what someone who is completely fucking wrong will say. The basic bitch ticker loves adjunct stouts because the label says it right there. It’s like life insurance for their shitty impressions, no one can tell them that vanilla is not in there BECAUSE IT SAYS VANILLA RIGHT THERE ON THE LABEL MOM, GOD TELL ME BEFORE YOU COME DOWN HERE TO DO LAUNDRY. FUCK. Also, adding a fuck ton of an identifiable flavor makes it so they don’t need to learn about things like yeast strains, fermenting temps, or any nuances monoculture aspects. THEY JUST GET TO POINT OUT THE FUKN CINNAMEN BRUH!!!!

MFW i see someone offering up adjunct stout for an almost identical beer

MFW i see someone offering up adjunct stout for an almost identical beer

4. Loose Familiarity with the Base Beer
Usually a barrel aged adjunct stout has some sibling that the local dipshit picked up at the local Binny’s. It makes them feel safe and secure knowing that not only will they have tepid observations BUT THEY GET TO MAKE OBVIOUS CONTRASTS AS WELL. While the regular stout was chocolate, the one filled with a shitload of Ancho Peppers TASTES LIKE ANCHO PEPPERS HOLY FUCK 100/100 BJCP SCORE. It is also this grounding in the pedestrian that makes these tickers want the EVEN RARERER VERSION SO MUCH MOARRRR. Sometimes the adjunct versions are even shittier, but that doesn’t matter. Just imagine the look on that Birmingham Homebrew Club’s faces when you roll up with the LIMITED VERSION of some shit they got at the grocery store. King among sleep apnea afflicted men, indeed.

5. U GET TO BE THE BIG MAN AT A BOTTLE SHAER
Most beers that you can drink by yourself don’t lend themselves exclusively to sharing it amongst your 13 closest degenerates. If someone asked me to split a Fantome Ete 13 ways I would LOL and show them where the Hennepin is located. However, if you have a 15% adjunct stout, it begs to be shared like a Burning Angel model. The guy whose personal life is in shambles get to feel special and relevant for a fleeting moment for pouring 1oz into a semi-stranger’s glass. Transitions lenses be fogging up hard when that cocoa version comes out, oh shit AND THE PEANUT BUTTER ONE TOO GUYS LETS ALWAYS INVITE THIS SOCIAL MAVEN.

6. Low Bottle Counts
Plenty of styles have low bottle counts, but who the fuck is trying to drink a SAISON AMIRITE? That’s barely a step above a hef. But when it comes to produce laden stouts, those bottle counts are gospel, regardless of what is inside of them. Often times, someone will tell you the bottle count before they even tell you what the fuck the beer is, as though that’s some MSRP necessary information. Again, we can chalk this up to two parts feelings of inadequacy and one part wanting to have the most tumescent beer pud while standing in line for, you guessed it, more fucking beer.

If you don't know how to respect adjunct stouts, maybe you need to take a break from the trade boards until you get your shit together

If you don’t know how to respect adjunct stouts, maybe you need to take a break from the trade boards until you get your shit together

7. GOTTA COMPLETE THAT FUKN SETTTT
The compulsive behavior exhibited by the mid-tier beer nerd lends itself nicely to collecting: most nerds went from pogs, to pokemon, to magic the gathering, to fake numbers from women who were repulsed by them, to setlists from bands no one gives a shit about, until finally that completionist glow of having three slightly different versions of the same beer. Beyond just letting them rot in an Ohio basement, which is sick as fuck in itself, you also get to show them off when one of your 4 friends from the bowling league comes over. Tucked in glass cases like aborginal artifacts, too esoteric for the common guzzler to wrap his mind around. NO YOU FUKN IDIOT THAT ISN’T BOURBON BARREL …that’s the RYE BARREL. I await the day that the holofoil vvariant labels are released and shit gets really real in the field.

8. Become a Master of Comparing Shit No One Cares About
If you have 5 minutes to burn while sitting in your cell on death row, ask a beer nerd which variant he liked best from the 4 versions of the recent adjunct stout. I hope you brought a blankie and some snacks, that monologue will feel endlessly long, like chain smoking Salvia end on end. If you have ever heard one of these philippics you will know that cascading waves of “bourbon had more…but brandy was a touch sweeeter…we all agreed that tequila was too…oddly I loved the malort barrel…” just whipping through the air like a gawdy baton of wasted calories. It would be like if there was a Koren War for decadent dipshits and these people enlisted HARD on those one way missions. Then they return with some stories to tell, real gourmand shit that will chill your soul, you aint heard cardinal or ordinal lists like these before motherfucker, that goateed warrior HAS TASTED SOME THINGS YOU CANT EVEN IMAGINE.

9. FOMO Immunity
If a brewery releases a limited beer that most people miss out on, you can expect that shit to be alluded to a million times over as the benchmark of human progress and palate calibration. If you never tried Southampton Black Raspberry Lambic, then you don’t know SHIT and can’t comment on anything until you do. Take that paradigm and make it tenfold worse because stout aficionados are the absolute fucking worst in this regard. If you miss out on one of the 84 BOTTLES of Apple Brandy Huna, then, why should I even fucking listen to this person, it’s like he lives in a stinky cave and subsists off of hearts of palm. Ok you had CALI BRANDY but whoa whoa, easy buddy, the adults are talking about APPLE BRANDY, why don’t you return to your duplo blocks or whatever it is you put in your mouth. Ticking rare stouts gives you an immunization from anyone being able to ever reference something YOU MAY NOT HAVE TRIED. The shield also works as a weapon in case someone is pulling rank, you just cut their asses down to size by referencing OH YOU HAVENT HAD JUST RUM BARREL HUNA? ONLY THE DOUBLE BARREL ONE EVERY TRIED? OH WELL I CANT EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND. Then disappear in a cloud of black malty smoke like Altair.

with great gourmand power comes decadent responsibility

with great gourmand power comes decadent responsibility

10. Insightful 1oz Blending by Drunk Assholes
If merely trying the beer wasn’t sufficient, be sure to instagram a bunch of pics of you and your 14 closest homies pouring nominal amounts from the bottom of the bottles to make THE ULTIMATE BLEND. Because then if people tried them individually, you can always piggy back on the ULTIMATE blend of adjunct stouts, to one up anyone. Basic bitch tickers love this because it makes them feel novel, like if Armand or Uli got into a severe car accident and acted like a complete asshole for the rest of his life. And the thought of being a part of that creative process is like Marcel Proust dipping his madeline into tea, a wave of bitch ticker memories wash over these pedestrian ass traders like a Remembrance of Things Past.

So there you have it. If you didn’t understand it before, now you see why the world of meaningless adjunct liquids is so meaningful to people who have little and predicate their self values upon 1%er limited consumables.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE STOUT GAME WAS SUPREME

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE STOUT GAME WAS SUPREME

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@therarebarrel Ensorcelled versus @thebruery Wanderer, LET’S FINALLY PUT THESE COMPARISONS TO REST

Alright, whenever I bring up the dark sour lineage from Rare Barrel, some dipshit wants 1) demonstrate he knows that Jay Goodwin worked at the Bruery and 2) flex his peen and let everyone know that he has had Wanderer. At the Bruery anniversary festival, all I fucking heard was chortled comparisons from the sweaty jowls of attendees about “ERMAGERD ITS…basically…the…same…Wandere…” which I assumed was a comparison, since that “standing in direct sunlight” must have taken a lot of out the husky attendees.

So let’s settle this shit. Which one is better? Is there a difference? Can you approximate a vagina with a lukewarm cantaloupe? These questions answered today.

RESULTS INVALID: no Rare Barrel Glass utilized, unfair advantage from the outset

RESULTS INVALID: no Rare Barrel Glass utilized, unfair advantage from the outset

The Rare Barrel Ensorcelled
Berkeley, California, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 5.80% ABV

“Dark Sour Beer Aged in Oak Barrels with Rasperries” laconic as fuck.

VERSUS

The Bruery THE WANDERER
California, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 8.00% ABV

Notes/Commercial Description:
The Wanderer is a special blend of oak aged ales that we made with Craig and Beth from San Francisco’s City Beer Store. Blending a mix of sour ales and our anniversary ale the base of this beer has a delightfully sour tinge on top of a hearty malt backbone. To add to the flavor, Craig and Beth selected blackberries and bing cherries to be added to the ale adding to it’s already fruity complexity. This ale went on to win the silver medal for wood & barrel aged sour fruited ales at the 2011 Great American Beer Festival.

Alright enough cyber sexing, let’s bring this resolution to full completion:

A: Them Berkeley boys come out the gates with a slicker and more nimble offering that has more substantial carb and deeper darker tones serving to underpin the frothy mochawhip carbonation. The Rare Barrel offering LOOKS outright more attenuated and seems to straddle more genres in appearance than the paint by numbers AWA you may be expecting. By contrast Wanderer has deep garnet and ROBEY-esque tones with burnt sienna, dark amber and red brick frothiness in the head that seems more focused and calls to the fruits from within to harness their tannic nature like an acidic Captain Planet, unity through divested parts.

WINRAR: Wanderer, I just wanna get my mouth all up on that burnt red lipstick, red rocket session.

If you thought I was gonna go for some low hanging euphemism here you are wrong, and your vagina is dry.

If you thought I was gonna go for some low hanging euphemism here you are wrong, and your vagina is dry.

S: Ensorcelled puts forward an amazing, stripped down approach that is a decidedly jammy, raspberry banger that adds nuance and a level of complexity with caramel, toasted creme brulee top, almond, and an acidic closer that doesn’t toe the line into acetic. It knows the limits and pats co-workers on the low back, doesn’t grip their acidic asses. Wanderer, for all its charms is more like a RT Dodge Challenger in this regard and deliver MOARRRRR acidity, but with substantially less poise and grace. The fruit is there and you get almost a touch of Oud Bruin in there with a black cherry and currant appeal, however, there are sick burnout slicks tossing almost vinegar and acetic notes from overclocking that sour processor. For novice sour lovers, this will hit harder and light up their erogenous zones more completely, but if someone has been in that jammy jam game for a while, they will likely prefer Ensorcelled for its subtle wit and slow approach, like neck misses and an Oscar Wilde novel while Newsroom is on in the background.

WINRAR: Ensorcelled, because that slow palm up the inner berry thigh, straight juicy clearances.

T: Ensorcelled builds upon the nasal endeavors in much the same way, a dry tart opener with ratcheted acidic aspects, just enough to let the fruit shine through. It’s like in death metal breakdowns when the double kick pulls back to let those face melting hammer ons through, that’s how things progress with this delicate face melter. You get that framboise meets brown ale sort of execution, like walnut and caramel but covered in Smucker’s jammy goodness. The acidity compliments and doesn’t dominate the gentle fruit tannins. Wanderer has been doing sick dips and the acidic serratus is shredded, at full berry pump. The blackberry is present in the taste in a huge way and those tart cherries come through not unlike C&C old school La Folie. Which is ironic because Rare Barrel would be the low hanging La Folie comparison, I know, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. However, with great power comes great acidity, Uncle Ben taught me that. The red wine vinegar notes are only present at higher temps and there is a touch of diacetyl if you sip this at room temperature. It’s more like if you are the consumer who buys the reasonable 2 cup Reese’s or if you go malty balls to the wall with a straight up 4 CUP session. I am not here to tell you how to live your life.

WINRAR: Wanderer, while more aggressive, your palate secretly likes its hair pulled by them blackberries.

Put these beers inside your buddies, get wild, touch his monkey

Put these beers inside your buddies, get wild, touch his malty monkey

M: Ensorcelled is more of a gentle fawn, presenting a nice berry basket of jams and welcoming you to the neighborhood. Wanderer walks right into your housewarming party and starts gripping your cousin’s titties and shes not even of age yet. The dryness of Wanderer is over the top and the acidity is that type of hegemony that some prefer because it lets the palate relax as the dominate notes are apparent. Bitch level cicerones will prefer Wanderer because they can point out pronounced aspects to their home brew club and feel like they don’t have an eraser dick. However, Ensorcelled has that poise and grace of the incredibly attractive mormon girl that everyone can appreciate and we all respect for her values and nuanced airs. Sure she isn’t tossing dome shots in the backseat of a Dodge Inrepid, but maybe you will like Rare Barrel more as a result, for taking that higher road and not just gripping your berries outright.

WinRARER: Encsorcelled, the ethereal feel of a CTR ring in your soft palm carries the day.

D: Ensorcelled is as soft as the Charmin bear and equally loveable, You can drink it before a Wake and no one will be all JUDGEY. Wanderer is more of a solo commitment. It demands more, it provides more, but compels all the same maintenance problems attendant with those extremes. Your jaw will hurt, you will be drunker, you will be more fatigued, like performing cunnilingus for minutes on end with a girl who is out of your league. But is the pain worth it? I cannot answer that for you, but to my own sensibilities, I enjoyed the frolic in the berry patch with the modest company of the berry hued sorceress. That doesn’t mean you wont like paying top dollar to get your blackberries stepped on. Hell some people pay a ton for that. It just comes down to preference in that regard and I prefer my berries intact.

WinRurerercellor: Tie for drinkability. Just depends on your tolerance and personal tastes.

AMERICAN SOURS ARE TEH ANTCHRIST. Belgiums only!11!!!!

AMERICAN SOURS ARE TEH ANTCHRIST. Belgiums only!11!!!!

OVERALL WINNER: Ensorcelled. Something needs to be said for the nuanced and stripped down approach to this baby bunny in the dark sour patch. While both are equally compelling, my personal tastes align more with this end of the Goldilocks spectrum. Both are exceptional beers, all that bullshit beer blog guarded language, etc, but Ensorcelled is better. I don’t think Patrick Rue is gonna lose any sleep over these 1210 words, plus I am a shameless Bruery apologist, remember.

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@trinitybrewing ULTIMATE GOOZIE SHOOTOUT: 7 Day Sour vs. Cantillon Classic Goozie, TWO GUEUEZESES ENTER ONLY ONE EXITS

Alright we have a lot of fun around here at DDB, mispronouncing words, pandering the same tired hip hop references, and leaning on JRPG references like a quad walker; but sometimes we actually science hard.

For context, a while back the brewer at Trinity proposed that he could make a gueuze in only 7 days. Levi Funk at Funk Factory Gueuezeria said [and I am paraphrasing here] “you are disrespecting the style and completely fucking things up for everyone this is why Americans cannot have nice things.”

Then I pandered out this piece of shit vedeo in response to the whole ordeal but undercutting both of those haters and making a goozie in 47 seconds:

SaisonMan/Lion/Manlion ultimately decided that, perhaps naming a beer a “gueuze” wasn’t in the spirit of three separate Pajotenland lambics master blended to taste. So now it is called 7 DAY SOUR. The comparison between a 7 DAY SOUR and Cantillon Gueuze loses some of the gravitas in the transition, but people keep fucking asking me to address this, so HERE WE GO USA VS. BELGIUM EXCEPT THIS TIME NOT IN A SPORT PEOPLE ONLY WATCH EVERY .4 DECADES.

THE LEVELS OF EMPIRICISM ARE OFF THE CHARTS IN BOTH METRIC AND ENGLISH MEASUREMENTS

THE LEVELS OF EMPIRICISM ARE OFF THE CHARTS IN BOTH METRIC AND ENGLISH MEASUREMENTS

TRINITY:

Trinity Brewing Company
Colorado, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 5.00% ABV

Commercial Pitch:

“Sour beers are famous for long aging periods, wild microbes, and flavors that are more complex and intense than any other family of beer. Commonly referred to as Lambics, these beers were once only brewed in a specific region of Belgium and have recently made a migration to breweries of America. Imploring ancient techniques, Seven Day Sour is brewed with a first and second ‘slims’ process, and a malt bill built with over 30% raw wheat and 30% chit malt to dramatically drive up starches and proteins which our quirky wild microbes love to feed on. We sour this recipe with an advanced and progressive method utilizing a hot fermentation in the kettle with Lactobacillus, followed by a cool fermentation on brettanomyces; making this beer anything but simple. Seven Day Sour is a young and unblended gueuze showcasing a refreshing acidity and complex bretta notes.”

Brasserie Cantillon
Belgium
Style | ABV
Gueuze | 5.00% ABV

Commercial Pitch:

The world’s classic Gueuze. A blend of one, two, and three year-old lambics creates a second fermentation in the bottle. The champagne of Belgium. In contrast, the Lou Pepe Gueuze is a blend of three 2-year-old lambics.

Take careful note of the differences between the foregoing descriptions. This will be important later.

Enough spacedocking, let’s get this.

A: Well from the outset, the Cantillon has deeper amber hues, honey sap, and a deep golden color like toasted bread and frothy carb that leaves some lacing, but nothing over the top. The Trinity offering is also beautiful, admittedly. The golden straw color has intense carbonation that is soapy and almost hits those excessive levels. The appearance is more saison/grisette in appearance and seems to miss the depth of a standard goozie. In most cases, being TOO FUCKING RADIANT would not be a drawback, but it evidence that is lacks that massaged oxy realm that a traditional goysah exhibits. It looks too new, the plastic is still on the seats, no one has even been fingerbanged in the backseat yet.

WINNER: Trinity Goozie.

GOD commercial descriptions DONT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN ME ok I GO BEYOND ZOOSK, no one gets me

GOD commercial descriptions DONT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN ME ok I GO BEYOND ZOOSK, no one gets me

S: The Cantillon has a musky cheesiness in addition to the funk, brett, and lemony acidity. It doesn’t exhibit a lack of balance in any one area and pulls nuance for days letting the wet Jansport linger and dovetail with the tangerine and nectarine on the nose. The Trinity leans harder on a one dimensional lactic meets Brett L profile that in truth has more of a mineral/acidic aspect more in line with a Berliner/Gose than a goozie, but THEN AGAIN THEY DROPPED THE VERT GUEUEZE TERM SO MAYBE I NEED TO LEAVE THE ISSUE ALONE. But in reality this hits closer to the 7eventh Sun offerings or perhaps the simple citrus and acidity of normal Surette. To be clear, that’s a good thing in general, but in the realm of traditional Belgian blended lambics/goozies, it would be woefully inadequate. Some things cannot substitute the endless march of time. All things fall victim to the relentless march of sand.

WINNER: Cantillon Gueueuezie.

ARE YOU READY TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME THE KING OF SOURS?

ARE YOU READY TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME THE KING OF SOURS?

T: The taste of the Cantillon lacks the intensely sour aspects of its competitor but comes across as more drinkable in a single serving format, if that makes sense, with the slight bitterness like a semi-soft cheese rind and grapefruit pith. The Trinity VERT GOOZIE is still a pretty refreshing and tasty beer but comes across like a Lotus Elise, a stripped down device relying hard on acidity and…that’s about it. You want an aluminum tub that gets you from A to B and impresses the uninitiated? Well Lotus/Trinity will drop them Forever XXI thongs. The Cantillon comes across more like a FJ Cruiser, that everyone will appreciate on some level either due to utility, nuance, historical lineage, and depth of application. I know the Land Rover community is twisting their dicks hard at the last comparison but ZEROFUXX.

Taste: Cantillon Goyzee

Just because something is new and appealing doesn't mean it wont rip you apart in the future. Gentle nurturing over time is key

Just because something is new and appealing doesn’t mean it wont rip you apart in the future. Gentle nurturing over time is key

M: The Cantillon has a drying aspect and a creaminess to the mouthfeel that is distinctively Belgian in execution. Taking with one historical hand and providing with a new crispness, waxing and waning of Empires past soiling the fields with the nitrates of the future. The Trinity is far less subtle and proceeds to have you lay on the edge of the bed and mouthfucks you like an ASU undergrad. It is just too one dimensional in the acidity and lactic components to really have widespread military applications. If Upland and Trinity did a collabo it would be like holding one mirror up to another in an endless two-dimensional array of images each CASCADEing back upon another. To be clear, if the comparison wasn’t leverage, the Trinity offering is a PRETTY GOOD if labeled as a Berliner or a straight up wild ale. If this were 2010 and Brute were still the hottest bitch on the block, this would dominate. Tastes have evolved and the Trinity might have difficulty stirring up the more complex palate boners with St. Bretta sitting right there on the shelf.

Winner: Cantillon Goysea

D: I guess in a way, the simplicity of the Trinity makes it more appealing for longer sessions, but this is tamed by the acidity. You CAN listen to the entire discography of Pennywise or Too $hort, but fatigue will set in due to the lack of dimensions present. But for the same reason, I wouldn’t want to drink Cantillon backtobacktoback. I know somewhere there is a landlocked dipshit who just rubbed one out to the Etre inventory, but stay with me. If I am going to have a single 750ml, sure Cantillon all day. But if we are talking about playing Dark Souls and dying over and fucking over, taking deep frustrated pulls from the glass, the Trinity wins in that regard. Perhaps that is a return to the simple roots of the lambic fabrication before it became a hobbyist market with stretched nutsacks coveting bottles and cellaring action figure bottles ad infinitum. So in that regard, the Trinity offering perhaps is a return to the rustic Belgian roots, albeit unintentionally.

Winner: Trinity One Week Monistat 7 Goyzie

OVERALL WINNER:

Cant fade the classics. Put on Too $hort “Just another Day” and tell me it doesn’t bang.

Well there you have it. Two completely different beers, one a classic goozie, another essentially a berliner/short attention span AWA that holds a place in my heart.

BEER IS SRS BEZNIESS.

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@tiredhandsbeer Back Into The Emptiness, From The Emptiness Back Within Prepositional Voids Purging to Beyond the Gerund Phrase

Bit by bit, I am knocking out the highest rated saisons, closing in on the final few. This is one of them top 50 ratchets that was another 400 (?) bottle release all up in Ardmore Pennsylvania, whether the players be getting it. I have been told in rural Pennsylvania saison brewers keep a yellowrag on the right side letting those buster ass amber ale bangers what time it is.

You can drink all them DIPAs to pump up your chest/
I got a saison Mossberg to pump up your chest/
Leave your palate gasping when the farmhouse shells hit your vest/

Let’s try to wring out a few more EMPTINESS PUNS in today’s review.

This beer goes in on every track.

This beer goes in on every track.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Style | ABV
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 7.00% ABV

Availability: Limited (brewed once)

Notes/Commercial Description:
Rose-hued saison fermented in local wine barrels with locally sourced French Policeman grapes.

A: Will you just look at this bad bitch, dropping those orange juicy hues on a fully laquered floor, light frothy carb scooping up crumpled singles to put her way through saison school. There is sticky substantial lacing and trims the tree on the way down the glass. It isn’t that pale hay and straw farmhouse, this is that Sunny D dankness you tell your grandkids about while explaining old injuries.

pop a world class saison at a tasting, Michigan tickers be looking like

pop a world class saison at a tasting, Michigan tickers be looking like

S: This leads with a crazy white wine profile, them riesling and grapefruit pith notes, a slight sweetness like a Pinot Grigio with a lemon zest waft. The acidity isn’t off the charts but it pokes its head out and gives a subtle wink while rifling through your sister’s underwear drawer.

T: This leads with that sly minx, that grapefruit spritzer of white wine and green grape tannins, there is a touch of honey sweetness in the middle body that feels slightly weighty and substantial compared to these Keira Knightly thin ass farmhouse bitches I been slurping on lately. The finish is a sort of lightly lactic tartness meets cornbread goodness that lingers. God tier Saison: Achievement Unlocked +10 Saisonnier Points.

Lightly tart, complex wallonia bangers get me almost fully erect

Lightly tart, complex wallonia bangers get me almost fully erect

M: I want to just go with the bottom shelf adjectives and say that this is “tart” and “dries like you ate too much FunDip” but that really isn’t EXACTLY what is happening. There is a touch of breadiness and maltiness to talk this woman down, to let her know you always delete your internet history; baller shit. There is a touch of honey sweetness like those KFC packets they used to distribute BACK BEFORE OBAMACARE. You get a white wine, you get some tingle on the gumline, but this is the best beer Tired Hands has put out: HANDS DOWN. I know you might be thinking “he says that shit all the time, one day I will lose my virginity.” But srs, it is really fucking hard to knock the persimmon offering because of the sweetness, but this has a depth to it. You really cant go wrong with either but this is like a TADDD better. If we are computing things on a TAD-scale.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and the 500ml format seems just right for what is going on here. When I had Handfarm I wanted more, so a 750ml would hit my grisette g spot, but this is just fine at this size and you could easily smash this and get back to your Yu Gi Oh deck creation. This is worthy of all of the hype it doesn’t receive and will join a long list of beers that I am pissed that I reviewed because now getting this tasty treat will be a complete cluster fuck of VSBitches and Fuzzypubes.

On the up side, everyone knows you can't get a DUI when the sun is up. The more you kno

On the up side, everyone knows you can’t get a DUI when the sun is up.
The more you kno

Narrative: Emma Aldeen had a passion for the minimalism that only a bold few could appreciate. When she moved into her dorm room, she immediately relocated all items to the hallway and put the vast majority of her possessions in a nearby storage unit. “Feels good right?” she noted to her Korean suitemate as she extended her calves on the cold concrete. “No carpet, no desk, just emptiness, and my Morrissey box set,” she ejaculated as she slid her headphones over her ears. Everything in the world was clutter. Objects lacked any real permanence, so attempting to hold onto anything in a static medium was a fool’s errand, a denial of one’s own fleeting existence. Emma loved emptiness and wasn’t afraid who knew it. During periods of exceptional anxiety she felt the organized, cramped contents of her sternum and she longed for a hollow space within her rib cage. She bit deeply into whatever fruit is in this beer, like every character in every narrative does right before it is over and exclaimed, “once we have transcended the simple trappings of acquisition, that need and drive to hoard, then emptiness settles in and you find items of true value: the lack thereof. For only in establishing a net loss in every way, can you posture yourself to make noteworthy strides.” Her Korean roommate nodded intently and continued preparing for a Protoss rush.

4

TOP TEN CANTILLON HEIST SUSPECTS REVEALED

Alright, if your Google feed is clogged with nothing but lambic, belgian, kriek, framboise, and goozie posts then you already know the dramatics that are currently unfurling at Brassiere Cantillon AS WE SPEAK:

SOMEONE STOLE SOME BOTTLES FROM INSIDE THE CANTILLON BREWERY

We aren’t talking the normal kerks or bio goozies you can get in the forgeiners section at Binnys: we are talking legit whales being stolen and transplanted Free Willy style. Instead of a killer whale jumping over a maladjusted boy, we have some anonymous Belgian culprits who may have pulled the greatest lambic heist since the 1991 Timmerman’s 11 robbery. The major difference being that people actually want to drink these bottles.

Notwithstanding, there are many unconfirmed rumors and fingerpointing/banging at this juncture. To help simplify matters, the forensic crime squad at DDB (DDB:SVUCSLLU) has assembled a list of the top ten most likely parties involved in this racketeering scheme:

NUMBER TEN: Bill Herlicka, Founder of White Birch

Source: NewHampsire.com

Criminal Mastermind at work

It is well-established that White Birch makes the SECOND best sour ales in the entire world. Not content with living in Jean Van Roy’s shadow, Mr. Herlicka is a completely viable candidate to swipe these bottles for the precious dregs at the bottom. Brewing is a dirty game and you gotta break a few eggs to make a lambic omelette, this guy perhaps is propagating Loerik dregs AS YOU ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW.

NUMBER NINE: Locke, from Final Fantasy III(VI)

source: socksmakepeoplesexy.net

Pictured above: Locke stripping a brewer stark naked in the streets of Brussels, zero fuxx given

This shady character is known for ripping off items. Whether it is jacking elixirs from barrels in Figaro, or getting all up on Kefka’s coin purse, I would not put it past him to come up on some Pikkachu’s or them late 90’s bangers. Detectives are looking for sprint shoe footprints at the time this article was posted.

NUMBER EIGHT: Trady, Negligent Moderator of Talkbeer.com

source: www.rwim.ro

Previous failed plans pictured above

Long rumored to be “the worst” and patently negligent in executing his duties, several sources have provided tips that allude to Trady’s involvement in this scheme. First and foremost, he has not proven himself not guilty, which under Belgian law is worse than being actually guilty. Second, this man’s alleged benevolence in running BIFs exists as a smokescreen for his more nefarious intentions. If you see Trady attempting to swap bottles of anything outside of Carton Boat Beer, then you will know something is amiss from this New Jersey miscreant.

NUMBER SEVEN: Bitzy, bad trader from 2010 that everyone likely forgot about.

source: idrunkthat.com

The mind of a larcenous genius ticks behind that calm facade.

Most of my readers aren’t even old enough to remember Bitzy, but essentially on BA about 4 years ago this criminal savant duped someone into sending him beer WHILE HE WAS IN COLLEGE. The scheme was as well-oiled as a Rube Goldberg machine and Bitzy later noted that his parents were no longer paying for his habits, AND HE VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE ON THE LAMB. He remains at large and cannot be ruled out as a suspect in this highly-nuanced plot.

NUMBER SIX: JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME SPECIFICALLY IN TIME COP

Source: www.screencuisine.net

Surveillance footage of Van Damme inside of Brassiere Fantome in Soy.

The story at this juncture is that the bottles were taken by “some Belgian dudes” however, no one has yet ruled out the possibility that it is the SAME BELGIAN DUDE FROM TWO TIMELINES. JCVD is just the type of crafty individual to pull off this scheme, and furthermore, the pacifist beer nerd persona wont speak up when he sees someone cutting in line, let alone when an ex-kickboxer is walking out with crates of DQ. When asked for comment, Jean Claude kicked the DDB correspondent through a pile of Fantome crates.

NUMBER FIVE: AIR DOG from NBA Jam

source: http://www.giantbomb.com/nba-jam/3030-16928/characters/

Last photo on file of this 16-bit asshole

This criminal’s whereabouts have been unknown since the PS1 era in 1996, but simple mathematics demonstrates that he is now able to drink and has a penchant for expensive ass lambic. Air Dog is a child who is a secret character in the console versions of the original NBA Jam, Tournament Edition, as well as NBA Jam Extreme, but to the FBI he is a criminal mastermind capable of 360 dunking an entire case of Vigneronne through a tiny brewery window. You ever wonder why there were only 230 bottles of Beatification batch 4 released? FUCKING AIR DOG STRIKES AGAIN.

NUMBER FOUR: DICK PARSONS, CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers

source: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/05/09/0509-richard-parsons-getty-4.jpg

Pictured above: NBA CEO not about to say something racist

The former head of both Time Warner and Citigroup has assumed the reigns of interim CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers and he has plenty to celebrate about. If you think he is going to use a cliche magnum of Dom P to celebrate this new acquisition, you are sorely mistaken. This financial wizard is capable of almost anything and I would not be shocked to see a jereboam Don Quixote showering over Honduran Clippers fans in the forthcoming parade that is inevitable.

NUMBER THREE: Justin Fucking Bieber

source: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/05/09/0509-justin-bieber-madison-new-instagram-4.jpg

Justin Bieber pictured above with Madison BEER. No coincidences here, folks.

This pubeless phenom has dropped more Limited Too thongs than a pediatrcian, but that simply is not enough. The Biebs will be of legal drinking age soon, and if you think he is settling for Cigar City Deja Vu, you are dead fucking wrong. JB slipped his waify frame through the gate at Cantillon, shimmied his svelte glistening tiny pecs across the koelschip and waited in the mash tun for his time to strike. His obliques were dripping with sticky sweet wort, cascading along the v-li-

next suspect

NUMBER TWO: RICH HOME QUAN

source: http://ionetheurbandaily.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/rich-homie-quan.jpg

Pictured above: Mr. Homie Quan in front of what can only be assumed to be Drie Fonteinen’s satellite brewing location in Atlanta.

If you follow Worldstarhiphop, which I am sure every one of my beta, malty mouthed readers does, then you know Rich Homie Quan HAD A FUCKING SEIZURE RECENTLY. Now of course, his publicist is gonna make his cite exhaustion and the Atlanta humidity — and not drugs — for his recent collapse in Atlanta, but if you have ever took a deep ass pull of Spuyten, you know that whalesauce will hit you hard. Even if you are accustomed to Promethazene mixed with Sierra Mist, rare lambic will put you on your ass. Local ratchets/employees of Magic City noted that they saw “bottles of a Cowboy looking Purple Drank falling all out of his bus.” For anyone who has had too much Blabaer and woken up beside a confused young Samoan, you know this tale all too well.

AND FINALLY THE NUMBER ONE SUSPECT WHO STOLE ALL THOSE BOTTLES OF CANTILLON:

Failed MTV VJ Jesse Camp

source: http://www.guessthe90sanswers.net/images/nineties/jesse-camp.jpg

The face of pure evil and distilled genius

If you are going to scoop up thousands of dollars in lambic and get off scot-free, you better be a Thanatos-level criminal mastermind. The first-ever winner of the “Wanna Be a VJ” contest, Jesse rocketed to a successful, two-year run as class clown on the network, including his own show, Lunch With Jesse. But during this run in the late 90’s he got a taste for that sweet honey pot, that sticky icky goozie bug. He tricked the entire world into thinking he was a dipshit and a complete idiot, just to fuel his love for spontaneously fermented beers. Belgian military have been instructed to shoot on sight anyone who looks like Jesse or is suspected of shopping at American Apparrel, all Urban Outfitters patrons will be water-boarded for posterity.

This is a case in progress and all leads will be examined, more details as they develop, don’t even bother checking other beer sites, DDB has this one on lock.

2

@hillfarmstead Biere de Norma BATCH 3: Garde’ing That Northern France Swagger By Way of Vermont

You might remember waaaayyyyy back in 2012, I reviewed the first batch of norma, that 180 bottle pre-Ann baller

AND THEN

I opened a batch 2 Normaa and was all pussy hurt because it wasn’t as lactic or tasty as b1. It toed the traditional BdG style guidelines and that isn’t necessarily my go to stroke material for that realm of beers.

BUT THEN FUCKING BATCH THREE CAME OUT

That top-down lighting makes everything look turbid.

That top-down lighting makes everything look turbid.

So what the fuck is happening with old Norma these days? Well it is much of a Goldilocks approach, more tart than b2, but more akin to traditional Biere de Gardes than that puckering b1. If b1 is cuddling up close to the AWA section and b2 was laying in bed with Northern French BdG’s, then b3 is somewhere in between, hanging down from the top bunk breathing hard and making both feel uncomfortable.

I still prefer batch 1, but this is a vast improvement over b2, and one of the most unique entries in the HF catalog of top tier saisons. It is not quite the acidic american wild that most bitch tickers favor these days, but it isn’t the earthy metallic biere de garde you might be expecting. Awesome cherry, red grape and merlot oak interplay with a beer that is highly drinkable without fucking your gumline like a Flanders Red. One of the best examples in the underserved BdG realm, certainly.

This is an old style but Vermont is keepin it sexy.

This is an old style but Vermont is keepin it sexy.