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@tiredhandsbeer Tired Hands, The Emptiness is Eternal; the void in my farmhouse jeans is eternally filled.

Tired Hands and I have a turbid history with their bottled offerings. They released one of the best saisons of recent memory but then they also release intensely strange beers brewed with esargot shells. Thankfully this falls well within the realm of the latter and even goes beyond all prior iterations and offerings.

If we are going to use something in the realm of Blue Label Arthur as a benchmark, this hits real close to the pin and is one of the best American saisons of recent memory. Take that Cask 200 swagger, add some Lil Lobster on the Prairie, and you get the idea of what Kobe shit we are addressing. This farmhouse puts up 83 on those haters.

Workin them persimmons, clacking those red bottoms, putting itself through saison college.

Workin them persimmons, clacking those red bottoms, putting itself through saison college.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States

Style | ABV
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 7.00% ABV

Notes/Commercial Description:
The Emptiness is Eternal is an oak barrel fermented Saison conditioned on a copious amount of Hachiya persimmons grown by our dear friend Tom Culton at his family farm in Lancaster, Pa. We produced 400 bottles of this beautiful Saison.

A: At the outset you get this intensely radiant beer that just LOOKS bone fucking dry. They golden notes look like radioactive hay like it came from some locally sourced Chernobyl farm. There is a mild turbidity to it with frothy thin bubbles that crackle and toss up some wispy stacks and let them rain. The lacing is decent but cling isn’t this beers mainstay, it’s all about that yellow ringpop glow. Marcellus Wallace briefcase shit.

Get your mouth on this golden treat ASAP

Get your mouth on this golden treat ASAP

S: This is acidic but not in that Side Project/borderline AWA realm, it has a tangerine and white grape waft, since this is a 400 bottle release you get serious rare notes at the outset the sublimate into a sort of “unobtainable” and dissipate. The persimmons are light and, as a side note, as a complete bitch to capture in the flavor profile, come through lovingly in the waft. You get some sour skittles acidity and faintly brackish aspect but again the whole thing comes across as a tropical fruit stand with a faint biscuit underpinning. Drank this in bed and had to change the sheets, got that horse blankie all dirty.

T: This is more acidic in the taste than the persimmon sweetness of the nose would indicate and it imparts a riesling dryness upon swallow. The middle is all clementine and orange zest, intensely drinkable, but never going overboard on the acidity and maintaining its wheat backbone enough to paint the ph canvas. Admittedly this is not the most complex beer in taste execution, but it really doesn’t need to be. If you strip down a Datsun 240z and drop an acidic 350 in it, it will get the job done without complexity or panache. This shit drops Molly all in your champagne and people be fuxxin after you pop one of these.

Some people can't handle the farmhouse lifestyle, do u even rustic

Some people can’t handle the farmhouse lifestyle, do u even rustic

M: This is on the dryer side of the farmhouse realm and doesn’t provide a lingering creaminess for the gumline, but again, it never loses its identity within the folds of that ATP acidity, Kreb’s citric acid cycle kept all in check. You can drill this and wont be left with gerd or cankersores. It exits with a white wine oakiness that is almost drowned out from the fruit notes, but when you see them sparklers in the club, you forget all about the minor details.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and you can lay these down racksonracksonracks, well, relative to the 2 per person allocation I guess. If ever a 7% beer needed to be in a 750ml, this is it. THe 500ml is like a full release massage where you never get to flip over. I want more and will tip up, but the opportunity is over all too soon. This isn’t some musky complex banger, but it is awesome in the 3 tricks it does turn out. I can safely recommend this to anyone, stretch marked Cicerones or size zero BEBE dress wearing ASU students alike. This beer goes in.

borderline wild, but domesticated enough for you to fall in love

borderline wild, but domesticated enough for you to fall in love

Narrative: Billy was commonly known as one of the Double Dragon brothers, but there was so much more to Mr. Lee. While some would protest that an industrial garage was an uncomely location for a citrus garden, he still pressed on diligently. He had a small plot of land in the year 19XX and tilled the soil arduously in between rescuing his girlfriend from local thugs. He would pack a few tangerines in his pocket and then proceed to strike a woman armed with a whip directly in the face. There was a simplicity to his agrarian existence, romantic in his goals, and a Roussean nature to his exploits. Billy pushed a huge bald man off of a conveyor belt and peeled a clementine and watched Abobo fall to his death, another day for an industrial farmer caught in the grips of modern existence.

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@tiredhandsbeer Hophands, for when you done working at the dispensery and your hands be smelling all like sticky cones

Tired Hands week is wrapping up and we have seen all kinds of things in the interim, oyster stouts, saisons, pale ales, so how do we close this one out? We go to the old hoppy wheelhouse and consult a draft only classic: NOW TOGETHER IN ONE CONVENIENT PACKAGE. Some naysayers hate on the hoppy saison genre and say that it betrays the musk and nuanced Belgian profile. Other hop heads feel that the base of a saison is too substantial and interferes with the hop oil experience. FUCK BOTH OF THOSE GUYS. Today we are going cones deep into some fertile soil with a straight up hoppy American Pale Ale.

EDIT TO MY PRIOR POST: I did not review this shit previously, I am a drunk pre-diabetic idiot. The cage match was between Singel Hop and Regular FARMHANDS.

Oh shit, picking all these juniper berries and then wiping petrulli oil on myself, hands be all hoppy.

Oh shit, picking all these juniper berries and then wiping petrulli oil on myself, hands be all hoppy.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
American Pale Ale (APA) | 5.20% ABV

A: The beer pours with nice carbonation albeit very little lacing, a turbid deep orange and almost amber color. The beer has generous big bubbles and eschews the microfine carbonation that you might anticipate in a bottle conditioned beer. It kinda reminds me of a mix of pineapple and orange juice with the yellow and orange blend look to it.

The interplay between the resin and the citrus aspects of this beer shows some serious fucking hop team work.

The interplay between the resin and the citrus aspects of this beer shows some serious fucking hop team work.

S: Holy hell, if Entropic was the gentle APA brother who spends time in his room working on interpretive dance, this is the jock asshole hop brother who rolls in an IROC Camaro and socks nerds. This is incredibly resinous and hits the familiar APA zones of pine, lupulin, orange zest i.e. the white part, there is a Jamba Juice wheatgrass aspect to this and closes with a citrus tangelo REREREREREEEEMIXXXX on the backend. There is a ton of feels packed into the smell, if you know what I mean.

T: This imparts more of the citrus than I was expecting from the nose but carries itself confidently through the halls of lupus gaiety. You get a pineapple and tangerine sweetness at the front which fades into a deeper pinecone and dry finish with the oils leaving you both satisfied but wanting another sip because that sweet citrus opener is a hard act to follow. It’s like when AFI opened for Blink 182 in the late 90’s and you were all like “what, how did this. wait.”

At a certain point, taking a simple beer like a pale ale to these heights is borderline obsessive.

At a certain point, taking a simple beer like a pale ale to these heights is borderline obsessive.

M: This is incredibly light and shines as an APA and does not toe that questionable ass genre crossing line like Zombie Dust does. This is hoppy to def with fishtanks in the Civic because Tired Hands pimped their ride with hop cones in the rims. I love the interplay between straight up water and intense hops, the malts are like an abused child getting transferred back and forth in custody battles. The real victim is your bitter zones, you can smoke one of these growlers with a quickness and wonder why your Fedex bills are so high. If that is a drawback, THEN SIGN ME UP.

D: This is not quite as drinkable as Entropic, but strong in different ways. I wouldn’t say this is one of the crowning achievements of the APA realm like Hoppy Birthday or Zombie Dust, but it maintains an exceptional character of residual hops, drinkability, and just straight up vibrant citrus tones that I have not had in any bottle pale ale, to say the absolute least. This is incredibly drinkable and makes me have so many sads that I can’t just go drain this on the regular like Beachwood Alphamaster or something local and amazing. This APA fills an amazing void in the world of resctum stretching stouts and acidic sours always raping your mouthhole. This APA is like a gentle hand holding sessions, blowing dandelions in a field, a light hoppy kiss on the cheek that anyone would be down for.

Drink pale ales once in a while, you dont need to be a tiny dicked bad ass all the time.

Drink pale ales once in a while, you dont need to be a tiny dicked bad ass all the time.

Narrative: Trent Kim had a problem that not many could associate with: his banter was too damn pleasant. He had seen several sociolinguists as a child and, during the testing phases he had affected them in such a genial way that they simply dismissed him as playful. It was a clear disability though, Trent had inadvertently coasted through elementary school accidentally coaxing all of his teachers and beguiling all officials with his Godlike gift of bonhomie. Once, when he was 14 Trent came home after driving his parents car to a liquor store, to purchase crack cocaine. He lowered his head in shame when his mother asked “TRENT WHERE DID YOU-” “I know mother, I know exactly what I did wrong, I can’t justify my actions and-” suddenly his mom began peeling a ripe orange and bit into it and exclaimed “oh WHATS A LITTLE CRACK COCAINE FOR A GROWING BOY! I can’t stay mad at you Trent!” The haggard companion in a vinyl skirt was both in awe, and clearly a cheap prostitute that Trent had plied into giving him a handjob for free. Being this likable would be his downfall someday, but for now Trent bit into an orange slice and tossed his back of crack on the kitchen counter.

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@tiredhandsbeer Artisnale Oyster Stout brewed with Escargot shells, THIS IS MAKING MY SNAIL COME OUT OF ITS SHELL

Alright stay with me here, I know this is a little crazy, oyster stout brewed with snail shells? I guess I should preface this entire review by saying 1) I don’t like oyster stouts in general and 2) I don’t eat snails, unless I am in a third world country and I am doing it for the lulz to show them I am just like thems. That being said, I will skull any beer and have zero regrets, well ok maybe SOME REGRETS.

But let’s bust these shells wide open and suck out the juices in today’s review.

snails poppin slugs at those haterzzz

snails poppin slugs at those haterzzz

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
American Stout | 7.80% ABV

A: The carbonation on this beer is legendary and even the slightest agitation takes it to pre-menstrual levels of anger. I know it looks like I poured this like an asshole, but srs, I was pediatrician gentle with it and it still was all rustled. The slick “light black” inkiness of the beer seems almost deep brown in a way, compared to most imperial stouts that are darker than Satan’s magic. The head is absurd and straight out of a Juicy J video, all dark and excessive.

if you drink this stout, chances are you aren't a complete piece of shit. Pic related.

if you drink this stout, chances are you aren’t a complete piece of shit. Pic related.

S: This has a really sweet tootsie roll sort of waft to the smell, light roast, baker’s chocolate, and a sort of milk chocolate aspect to it on the nose. The hops are really restrained an almost seem to be well integrated with the char of the malts. I will say at the very back end there is this sort of longshoreman brine meets salts sea captain sort of thing going on that almost reminds me of a jar of nickels. It is not all up in the spotlight but the imperial oyster aspects are in the background, spinning salty jams for everyone to rage to.

T: The foregoing is continued and sustained with a sweetness at the outset that is at first almost offputting like some “imperial” stouts from England where you just lul at them for trying, being all turbinado and sticky. But then out of nowhere off the high ropes fucking brine and this metallic aspect comes in and drops ‘bows and puts the roast in a figure four. You think the ref is gonna call it, but oh shit, the snail shell aspect just smashed him with a folding chair. Things get out of hand really quick, but strangely, I had a hard time putting it down because I was fascinated by it.

if you are drinking imperial oyster stouts, chances are you aren't a complete beta bitch in the permafriend zone. pic related.

if you are drinking imperial oyster stouts, chances are you aren’t a complete beta bitch in the permafriend zone. pic related.

M: This has one of the craziest mouthfeels from a stout that I have experienced in a long time. I am assuming that the inclusion of the escargot shells imparted a huge calcium and alkaline boost to the water profile because the water is super hard in this mix. After you swallow, the sugars dont even linger on your teeth and you get this sort of lip smacking aspect that is strange from a stout. This too reminds me of those UK stouts with a really gentle mouthfeel and dainty carbonation, this paired with the crazy sweet meets salty aspects leave me perplexed and straight draining the bottle.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable with the caveat that you must be able to tolerate some sweetness, hard water, and a light brackishness to your stouts. This might be a deal breaker for most people, but I was intrigued by it and finished this with celerity. For not liking the style itself, I would wager that this is about as awesome as this genre can get while still being on style. It’s like having the world’s fastest hybrid in a way, certain concessions will be inherently present within the confined of the category.

for an 8% beer, you hit this beer and this beer hits back.

for an 8% beer, you hit this beer and this beer hits back.

Narrative: Penelope Brigston slid lazily across the wet concrete and soaked in the misty Seattle morning. The dew from last night gave a nice moisture profile to Vicksburg street and her stomachfoot embraced the pavement with calculating execution. She slowly passed the smashed earthworms, those annelida too ambitious to restrain themselves from walking right into traffic. Penelope felt a small disconnect with the suburban street and thought about all of her taxonomic brethren, such diversity in her family and yet she was alienated from all of them. Hell, she hardly ever wrote to her sea mollusk family anymore and the better part of her days were consumed in either eating fescue or licking Tootsie Roll wrappers. Busy days all around. Her radula worked assiduously tearing apart a discarded piece of romaine lettuce and she savored the metallic taste of the sardines and salt in the dressing. It was a hazy morning but Penelope would face life with both antennae forward, living life out of her shell as much as possible.

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@tiredhandsbeer Handfarm, Barrel aged 500 bottle saison releases? This website was made for this kind of shit.

I hope YOUR hands aren’t too tired from stroking it to all these Pennsylvania walez. In today’s review we look at the inimitable Handfarm, a remix portmanteau of farmhands, aged in barrels, waxed and waiting for your touch. If you are new to this site, you might want to read up on Hop Hands before you just go into this review with some dry labias: Here is the cagematch from Saison Marathon yes I know that is a totally different beer. I am putting people up on that Tired Hands tip.

The only thing that can make an awesome saison even more betterer is barrel aging, look what it did to Arthur, took an already good beer to ART beast mode levels. Anyway, so this was a super small release and my balloon knot has been so puckered waiting to put my mouth on this so lets get to it.

God damn this beer is incredible.  In the unlikely event that you missed out on the 180 bottles of Ann, please seek this out.

God damn this beer is incredible. In the unlikely event that you missed out on the 180 bottles of Ann, please seek this out.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 5.20% ABV

A: No surprises out of the gate here, it looks very similar to Farmhands with a milky sort of pale straw disposition, folding its arms with microbubbles and some will of the wisp lacing regenerating for one black mana on the edges of the glass. MAGIC THE GATHERING JOKES: WE ARE DOING THEM NOW.

A beer this complex and refreshing that clocks in at 5%? They must have leveled their saison specs so hard. DPS for days.

A beer this complex and refreshing that clocks in at 5%? They must have leveled their saison specs so hard. DPS for days.

S: Wow, this reminds me a lot of Ann on the nose with just a huge dry white grape, musk, brett C, a light sweetness like those crescent rolls that people always fight over in commercials, lemon rind, and any candle that is yellow basically (lemon, birthday cake, sunlight, whatever.)

T: This carries more of a floral aspect than I was expecting and it presents a brett c muskiness at the outset that takes me to that vintage Fantome printemps land pretty quickly. There is a ton of complexity in the grain bill, you get sweetness, a light scratchiness as though rye was up in the mix, complicated yeasty profile on the backend that reminds me of banana runts. The yellow ones everyone always be throwing away. Again, this is just incredibly refreshing and the format size and inaccessibility of this beer is almost a complete “fuck you” to anyone without a legit cellar and a Fedex account. I DONT FEEL BAD FOR THEM THEY CAN DRINK HENNEPIN AND FUCK OFF.

This beer is so good, I wish they could just deliver it to my door.

This beer is so good, I wish they could just deliver it to my door.

M: This is dry at the outset because of the barrel and the brett c I would wager, think Seizoen bretta land, but the yeast and complex ass malt bill comes in kicking in doors without a warrant, tagging your mouthwalls up with sweetness, biscuit notes, stick floral potted plants on the gumline. When it leaves you don’t even know where to start, someone just farmfucked your mouth but you dont even fill out a police report because you secretly liked it.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and to say that 500ml is not enough is like dropping my monocle in a glass of 1995 Chateau Margoux and complaining about the dry cleaning bill. Most people will never have this, but this review site is not for most people. Chances are, if you are here you already lost most of your regular friends to the beer game. This site is for fucking lifers, guys with beer shivs tucked under their shitty ikea beds. If you want an incredibly refreshing saison, seek this out. It is both complex and restrained at the same time. It was gone before it even arrived.

Taking barrel aged saisons and comparing them is an art not a science

Taking barrel aged saisons and comparing them is an art not a science

Narrative: Chester Wakely was an average rabbit by any onlooker’s standards. Pronounced bicupsinds, whiskers, nimble, and soft to the touch. He spent his days in a gentle repose amongst the willows and sagebrush, basking in the floral decadence of the springtime sun. Deep down Chester knew that something was different about him. There was a longing complexity to his character that transcended the run of the mill “avoiding predators” and “mating.” Chester would often look across the hills to the Perkinson Vineyard and wonder about those pale yellow grapes lingering on the vine. Those chardonnay casks rolled in and out like the waxing and waning of moons. While he was only 5 lbs and a rabbit, he longed to be get deep into vinification. He lacked opposable thumbs or a developed cortex to execute complex processes, but God damnit, Chester could dream. He would later be hit by a Suzuki Samurai while trying to cross the interstate.

Godspeed, Chester.

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@tiredhandsbeer Entropic, Entropy is not a human issue, Entropy is matter of course

I WOULD LIKE TO DECLARE THIS TO BE THE MOST DRINKABLE BEER THAT I HAVE EVER HAD. Live Oak Hef has officially been moved to second place. I drank this entire 32oz growler in ~40 minutes while playing Crysis 3. Srs bzness.

Before we even get started in today’s review, you should turn this shit up while you read this review:

So what do we have today from the Tiredest of Hands. My hands are usually super tired from fapping all the time, but I think discussing entropy warrants that we address something higher than just torquing it. This is a draft only offering from one of my favorite breweries who seems to be seeping from their saison roots and dominating other styles not unlike when Hill Farmstear dropped Damon and everyone lost their shit. So what do we have today? This is listed as an American Pale Ale, but I feel that this is a misnomer given the complexity and execution of this beer. But then again, In statistical mechanics, entropy is often related to the notions of order and disorder. THIS SHIT IS STRAIGHT DISORDERED AND MISCLASSIFIED.

20130309-100945.jpg From disorder comes something inherently ordered and simple in execution, call Zeno BECAUSE I FOUND A PARADOX

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
American Pale Ale (APA) | 5.50% ABV

A: Holy hell look at the radiance on this gentle beast. I did not even look this up before I just went balls deep pouring into globes, not even sparing a single fuck. The carbonation is amazing but not excessive like those crazy Fantome or Upland Lambics, just enough to drop a snap crackle and even some pop notes. Crazy pop notes. AH shit, purge “pop notes” from your memory, I dont need another fucking phrase yelled at me at beer releases.

I looked up and saw this was listed as an American Pale Ale and was all like huehuehuehuehue

I looked up and saw this was listed as an American Pale Ale and was all like huehuehuehuehue

S: This has an incredible lemon zest and coriander waft to it, there is a lemon meringue and brackish cleanliness to it that smells straight fresh out of the shower clean. If Polo Sport made a beer, it would be this, so fresh and so clean clean. There is a light hop presence but I am talking like sliding your hand up a thigh in the movies gentle, incredibly restrained. This straight up is not a pale ale, I will just say it, much less an ultra hopped AMERICAN pale ale. To be clear, this beer is amazing, but I feel it is misclassified. If you walk into this expecting some pine and grapefruit zombie dust bomb, FUCKING THINK AGAIN.

T: This carries itself with a graceful lemon and light wheat profile but again is so subtle in execution that picking out the notes from the malts themselves is like picking fly shit out of pepper. There is a lemon pledge meets tangelo finish in the taste and the finish has this amazingly refreshing brackish saltiness to it that almost reminds me of a gose. The faint tartness, lemon, and clean finish makes this beer lean harder on the “belgian table beer” meets gose taste to it. If you have ever had Stillwater Premiere or a grisette, it is like that. You get this sort of baby saison impression that is far removed from the APA world.

This gentle beer is a crazy sniper, before you realize it, growler is gone, and you are out rustling cattle in downtown Baltimore.

This gentle beer is a crazy sniper, before you realize it, growler is gone, and you are out rustling cattle in downtown Baltimore.

M: This is incredibly frothy and clean in the mouthfeel. It washes away completely without any residual lemon tastes, and only a faint hop presence. Seriously, if we are still talking 90’s colognes this is seriously like Davidoff Cool Water of the refreshing beer world.

D: I said it above and I will reiterate it here, this is the most drinkable beer that I have ever had. The abv is masked perfectly and that saltiness washes away begging for another huge swallow. Bird enthusiasts get all excited when I be talking about big swallows. Seriously though, in the same way the Live Oak hef has that amazing honey/lemon thing going on, this has a light saltiness and acidity that makes you able to burn through these growlers with a swiftness.

This may not be the strongest beer, or the most complex, but God damn if it doesn't get me dripping wet.

This may not be the strongest beer, or the most complex, but God damn if it doesn’t get me dripping wet.

Narrative: Paul Regis was the most uplifting person in Kraft’s marketing team. His off-yellow suits and dapper oiled hair made all of the receptionists swoon in the Pizza Pocket division. “And so you see, the losses in the Spongebob Mac and Cheese are actually offset by the Phineas and Ferb fruit snacks!” he declared with a refreshing confidence. The investors nodded and took deep pulls from their lemon water, compliments of Mr. Regis. In the breakroom, he would provide that reassuring nod and listen with quiet solemnity at the most trivial concern from the hispanic secretaries. “And so Celia never replaces the toner and I be like, ‘maybe you need to print adouble asided'” and Paul would make anyone feel that their stupid ass complaints were valid. Paul was not the most complicated individual, but he was just the person to talk to if you had a lighthearted concern that needed confiding.

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@tiredhandsbeer Guillermot Prunus, Saison, Bourbon, wild cherries; YOU DO THE MATH

First and foremost, I would like to bitch that the dark saison market is both not highly contested, nor is it well executed in most instances. The problem I feel lies in the mainstream offerings like “The Perfect Crime” having people be all like “oh that? no…I am good…I will just drink…this actually good beer, no thanks.” Most people are shortsighted and unwilling to jump into the shallows and rub their crotches on some sea anemones. Some are very nice. When you get a really good dark saison, you get to merge the best of those dark fruits with the dirty musky and lactic aspects of the saison world. Everyone wins. I used to hold Civil Disobedience 4 as the standard bearer for the genre. 10 days ago I had a CD4 and today I drank Guillermot Prunus, both are exceptional but god damn it if this prunus did not just stomp on my plums.

Dark farmhouse, like a haunted farm, those places that make Kale and listen to Animal Collective.

Dark farmhouse, like a haunted farm, those places that make Kale and listen to Animal Collective.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 8.50% ABV

A: At first this pours like a watery porter with a deep secret, or kinda like an American wild with one of those questionably dark base beers like Otiose where you are like “wait whats going on here, style crossing is taking place.” I wouldn’t expect the BJCP in all of their 3oz plastic cup glory to carry this innovative style very far, but look at it, it is not quite a porter look, lil khaki foam, watery legs supporting a bit of residual char to the substrate but washing away exceedingly clean. I can imagine an evil ass farm owner drinking this while looking over his plum fields cracking his knuckles and figuring how to excise greater tithes from his serfs. That kinda shit.

At first you are like "saison" then you be like "bourbon" then the salesman is like "DARK" and then you are locked in a 36 month lease explaining shit to your wife.

At first you are like “saison” then you be like “bourbon” then the salesman is like “DARK” and then you are locked in a 36 month lease explaining shit to your wife.

S: This, like other well done black saisons is a crazy melange of things taking place at once. The initial blast is a bit of drying roast, then it subsides into a black cherry meets cola sort of finish, you get this lactic underpinning like blackberries and the final waft has a really muted musk to it like pumpernickle bread dipped in cranberry juice. Don’t act like you have never been pregnant and tried it.

T: This sets forth with again that chalky roast and for a split second I have a fleeting feeling of sads like someone soured up an Edmund Fitzgerald, but wait, that was secretly the opening band playing a .5 second set, it goes into a raspberry and black cherry jam sesh, minor and mixolydian scales running this light but musky exection on the backend of the swallow. It isn’t exactly like a porter mixed with a kriek, but, if you had no frame of reference, that would be my best initial description. If you have had Otiose, imagine mixing that with Dark White BBB. In writing we call that concrete DETAILS, contrasting with objective experiences, THIS IS WHY I AM A GOOD WRITER OK.

And suddently, something musky and dark arises on the backend, that is strangely welcome.

And suddently, something musky and dark arises on the backend, that is strangely welcome.

M: This is a bit chalky at the outset because the interplay of the roasty malts and lactic acidity of the cherries work against one another, however, once you swallow it executed in harmony like a cherry cordial and it is very, very good. I could merk an entire bottle of this and still show up for my Parole Hearing, all redfaced talking about Walmart is hiring. The 8.5% abv is nonexistent with all of this madness taking place on the palate. It is like when the size 12 Honduran chick sneaks in with a bunch of Ford Models into a club, you realize it the next morning, but by then it is way too late.

D: this is exceptionally drinkable and presents a bevy of dark fruits, slick finish, light lactic aspects and a tannic meets char finish that somehow works like bacon ice cream. It is tart yet savory at the same time and makes me wonder how many Weight Watchers points this is, for some reason they did not even list it on the bottle. I AM WATCHING MY GIRLISH FARMHOUSE FIGURE.

It is dark, amazing, and you just want more of it.

It is dark, amazing, and you just want more of it.

narrative: “so if you take the square of the two sides of the figure what do you get?” Mr. Cerise asked the lackluster 10th grade geometry class. Each student slumped in turn, smacking cherry bubble gum and texting tart badinage with one another. “So no one knows how to circumscribe this figure? What about the area of the sides at least?” Again the cool silence and hum of the air conditioner rolled over the Tucson suburbs. Each middle-class adolescent shifted in their chairs uncaring. The protractors went unused and the complexity of the Euclidian formulas went unappreciated. Mr. Cerise ground his teeth and looked down his brow at the class. The cherry gum smacking stopped and they sensed something far more sinister and dark was taking place. “What if you, let’s say you date raped a girl at this ARBY’S we can call that point A-” the class leaned forward, listening intently on this solemn invocation. “And say she WAS AT FIRST CONSENTING AND YOU TAKE HER TO A PARK, call that point B-” even the ESL students began to perk up at this point, waiting to witness the chilling conclusion of point C. “SO, you are going to want POINT C to be as far as possible from the other points, call it THE ROCK QUARRY OK, listen, I don’t have all the answers.” Mr. Cerise dropped his dry erase marker and ran his wet fingers through his musky dark hair. These 15 year olds had just been schooled on some dark edification.

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TIRED HANDS CAGE MATCH: Singel Hop Nelson vs. Farmhands – Two Saisons Enter, ONLY ONE LEAVES

I have enjoyed the marketing, branding, products and general panache set forth by Tired Hands Brewing Company. They set forth an extremely high quality product, laid out a groundwork of not only delicious beers but also a solid framework of innovation as well. The beers and marketing structure reminds me of another certain saison master out of VERMONT , but I will defer on that topic for the time being. Their galaxy hopped gose, GHOST, is a perfect example of it. Instead of trying to determine which saison to review from these saison ballers, I will treat you to an old fashioned CAGE MATCH. There will be only one survivor left to rule the farmhouse.

Here are the contenders:

For the visually impaired, this is the Singel Hop Nelson

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 5.00% ABV

I forget what was going on, I forget a lot of things when I drink this much saison. I can’t be expected to be responsible for all of Nana’s medication all the time.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 5.00% ABV

Appearance:

Nelson: This isn’t a particularly beautiful saison at the outset, the carbonation is pretty tame by the outrageous saison standards that we have seen this week, but it is far from deficient. It has a sort of dull shine to it like a yellow/orange shirt that has been washed with some towels. The lacing is pretty and makes some wispy lil ghosts on the glass.

Farmhands: This looks very similar to Nelson, no fucking shit, right? I enjoyed this a bit more though because it had less of wateriness to it and came across as a bit more creamy in execution. It was the same type of growler, shipping, and conditions so this should be pretty fucking equal but this one is clearly more attractive. Feel me.

WINRAR: Farmhands OG.

Both beers come from a proud lineage.

Smell:

Nelson: This should be obvious, but it is overwhelminly Nelson hops. I drank this beer 4 days after it was growlered and it was still raging with a lemon, tangerine, light pine, and a faint bandaid aspect to it. I usually am not a fan of single hop variants using all Nelson, that Stone Best By was a completely bag of melted plastic. This is quite the exception. At the backend is a bad ass grassiness that supports and compliments the lemon scone aspects going on.

Farmhands: This takes a more traditional approach and I feel is better as a result because you can actually apprehend some of the nuances. In the Nelson it is hop onslaught, in this version you get some light honey, grassiness, a gentle spice, and some lemon peel. This just comes across as a more developed beer for anyone who isn’t a stupid ass Oracle chugging hophead who just discovered beer.

WINRAR: Farmhands OG.

Taste:

Nelson: The outset has a sharp sweet and almost tart aspect to it that I absolutely love in light watery saisons. The malts are almost imperceptible due to the fact that a huge grassiness moves in and leaves an aggressive bittering aspect. Haters may hate due to the hop profile pulling it off style, but fuck it, this is flat out refreshing and delicious.

Farmhands: This is more traditional and stays closer to style with a cornbread and wheat profile that lingers with a faint lemon but, for the same reason that New Glarus saison was kinda janky, this is more boring in execution. This is by no means bad, but the Nelson version just takes more risks and I end up liking it more.

WINRAR: The Nelson.

Two draft only saisons? 4 fucking liters? surfs up bro, getting so pitted.

Mouthfeel:

Nelson: This initially has a sweet honey stickiness to it but the hops are so over the top that all other nuances are completely choked out like Will Smith’s dog in I am Legend. As a result this is almost medicinal after the first pint because the pints seriously just do work on your cage, steady grassy hadookens right into your chest. I can’t hang with this kind of alpha acid abuse.

Farmhands: The farmhands has a creamier mouthfeel and a gentle sort of lemon acidity to it, but it again doesn’t blow me away with something I can tell my ungrateful ass grandkids about. I enjoy the light crisp finish of the Nelson version more, it feels like they added water to it and kept the abv, which doesn’t make sense TO SCIENCE, but I don’t care, sometimes I like those cones in my facehole.

WINRAR: Nelson version.

Drinkability:

Nelson: This would be super high on the D scale if it wasn’t so. god. damn. hoppy. some people will have a fat cone boner and love this beer for that reason but I seriously challenge them to take down a full 2 liter by themselves like I did. Shit goes from fun to a full on drying chore. Your mouth ends up feeling like an incense show and smelling like Lillith Fair.

Farmhands: This is far easier to drink and doesn’t have a huge liability sack of dryness and resin in tow. I enjoyed the sweet meets acidic aspects to the Farmhands with the light grassy finish instead of subjecting my mouth to fucking Bath and Body works for 2 full liters, wait, make that 4 full liters. I am a champion.

WINRAR: Farmhands OG.

TOTAL WINRAR: Farmhands Saison is the more delicious making beer. Nelson is still legit but feels more like a hybrid trying to bang two styles at once, which at a party, never works out and it goes home alone.