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I HAVE GOSE OPINIONS: Clickbait Bullshit from a Presumptive Dumbass

Hot on the heels of sifting through mountains of derivative garbage about the HARD WAY and PEACH PUMPKIN BEER, we have this week’s incendiary bullshit for the beer scene to address with baleful contemplation:

A verbose article groundlessly objecting to Gose, by an uninformed dipshit

Now we can already take it as a solid premise that Thrillist is THE go-to spot for hot beer news. It is undisputed that this isn’t some shitty newsletter turned clickbait factory that pushes the consumeristic drives of the late 20’s male demographic. This is a company that purchased JACKTHREADS to ensure beer nerds have nicely tailored vests, corduroy suits, and email services to refer/mine any user data to drive readers into purchasing more and more shit that they don’t want or need: We are talking a srs authority on all things beer.

So who did they get to tackle this hot-button issue of GOSE RUINING THE ENTIRE CRAFT BEER SCENE? Zarathustra himself, JOE FUCKING KEOHANE. Now if you know anything about the beer world, this guy is practically the Jean Van Roy of beer palates and the neo-Charlie Papazian of unbridled beer knowledge. Thrillist would accept nothing less for a matter of such grave ethos and uncompromising importance. GOSE IS RUINING AN ENTIRE MARKET SEGMENT AND A NEEDLESSLY LENGTHY SERIES OF SUBJECTIVE IMPRESSIONS WILL PROVE IT.

You knew Thrillist was serious, they don’t just toss content onto their site hoping to sell you shitty barware or gawdy apparrel, I mean, just look at the gravitas of this incredible exposé: THE 13 NAUGHTIEST THINGS YOU CAN DO IN ATLANTA

So we know the site has unimpeachable credibility in its intentions, but what about the monolith of authority, Mr. Joe Keohane, the master of all Cicerones?

Well not only does he have an extensive background in beer and beer culture (don’t worry, he doesn’t) he also has penned these gems:

A bunch of shit for Esquire magazine, none of which is about beer.

But we already know that Esquire themselves are the UNDISPUTED MASTERS OF BEER KNOWLEDGE

But enough about KNOWLEDGE and CREDENTIALS and EXPERIENCE, let’s examine why this one ignorant dumbass has predicated the death of all craft beer on hasty generalizations and opaque vapid observations. Let’s do that.

Joe Keohane might as well have written the entire article about Thundercats toys

Joe Keohane might as well have written the netire article about Thundercats toys

Alright so you get three solid entry paragraphs of fondant with a zero calorie breakdown of the history of craft beer, and then finally Mr. Keohane, grand vicar of all ales gives a sketchy history of the gose style. The entire article reads less like some derivative opinion piece and more like your mailman trying to tell you about this segment he saw on Hardcopy, and then does a shitty job of it. The author notes that he did some extensive research though, dont worry, “[he] went to three craft beer stores today in search of more varieties to cement (or rebut) [his] opinion, and the first two were completely sold out. The third had two left.”

Is the budget of the $1 billon Thrillist really that paper thin? IS the author really that fucking lazy? Then the entire article is drawn from a trip to three whole stores and then generalizations leveled predicated upon sampling TWO fucking goses? That would be like if I wanted to write a piece for Jezebel on male hegemony and privilege in the workplace and then I went to Barnes and Noble and looked at the covers of some Betty Friedan and Kate Millett books and called it a day.

Goses are like this Cheetara toy in that I don't know what the fuck I am talking about

Goses are like this Cheetara toy in that I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about

At its core, the author lacks the one thing that you would expect from an article about, well, anything: authority. If this were a shitty livejounral entry entitled “TODAY I TRIED A SALTY THING I DIDNT LIKE” we could dual list it under homoeroticism and stupid uninformed rant that you could readily dismiss. Instead it is presented as a legitimate inquiry into an entire style of beer and the mechanics of destruction attendant to an entire economy and culture. Or wait, maybe it is a horrible broad generalization about shit that the author has not idea about. Maybe the title served to drive up referral links, responses, and watered down alexa traffic to pump this shitlord of a website trying to sell you tacky Ben Sherman messenger bags. NAH I AM SUER THAT JOE KEOHANE TRIED HIS BEST THAT’S WHAT MATTERS.

In case you couldn’t tell by his run on sentences, multiple independent clauses and irrelevant comparisons to other areas of culture: Joe Keohane doesn’t know shit about beer and his opinion is as irrelevant as a 9th grader’s stance on sub-prime mortgages.

THe thing you need to know about gose is, well, this is a Mumra toy.  I trust you see the clear parallel.

THe thing you need to know about gose is, well, this is a Mumra toy. I trust you see the clear parallel.

So taking that with a grain of gose, you can read laughably faulty logic like “If Gose was that worthy of so much excitement and attention from America’s world-class brewers and drinkers, we simply would have gotten to it by now” with a wry smile like seeing a Nascar fan in the adult literacy school: he is just trying his best. Because that’s what craft beer is, a sweaty neckbeard with a clipboard just combing through old styles to revitalize, AND WE JUST DIDNT GET TO GOSE FAST ENOUGH. Shit why not “SAISONS HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES THEY HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO BECOME POPULAR BUT THEY ARENT AS POPULAR AS IPAS THEREFORE, HERE ARE 900 WORDS OF MISGUIDED BULLSHIT, MY OPINION PRESENTED AS LEGITIMATE RESEARCHED FACTS.”

credit: wired.com

Thrillist owner Ben Lerer discusses how to get people to buy shitty sneakers and how Joe Keohane desrves a raise

I don’t mind if someone is an ignorant dipshit, as long as they are entertaining. IF they are not entertaining, then at least be informative. If not informative, at least be well written. Joe Keohane is the furthest bottom right segment of the Punnett square of beer writing, comletely undesirable recessive traits: boring, unfunny, incorrect, shitty writing presented from a pulpit of stern earnestness. It really is as bad as the beer game gets.

I guess in being exceptionally shitty Joe Keohane can show us all how to draw tired irrelevant parallels to Prince and foodie culture, and in the sheer lack of merit, we are all edified by peering at how trifling beer journalism can be.

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@degardebrewing HOSE, oh man these gose puns NEVR SEEM TO GET OLD.

A year ago, you couldn’t get a brewery to make a Gose.  The Bruery made one back in 2011 and it was really unique and polarizing, intensely brackish and earthy, people rioted in the streets by way of their sticky moleskin journals.  Flash forward a couple years and those same lazy ass brewers realized they could just use a California Ale strain, their same tired ass witbier recipe, and add some coriander and sea salt: BOOM CASH IN ON THIS HOT NEW STYLE.  That certainly isn’t the case here because, we are dealing with not only Oregon, but De Garde.  If they made a Gose that didn’t involve a gin barrel, we would call that a normal day.  Anyway, let’s see if barrel aging a gose with coriander and then dry hopping the shit out of it improves this old recipe.

In 2008 Draft magazine awarded its FIRST PERFECT SCORE: to Westmalle Tripel. Fantome Saison caught a hot 96.  How far we have come.

In 2008 Draft magazine awarded its FIRST PERFECT SCORE: to Westmalle Tripel.
Fantome Saison caught a hot 96. How far we have come.

Oregon, Somewhere on a cow farm or something, De Garde Brewing

Gose 4% abv

A:  This comes out the gates looking all grassroots as can be, small batch, turbid, messy orange rind, intense carb that billows upward like the inevitable foamy discharge from bottles of Dom P up in the club.  The lacing is lovely and clings with each sip cascading sirrus ringlets of malty residuals like the ever encroaching tide.  I wipe a tear away from my eye and get back to shopping for Elsa’s Frozen Ice castle on ebay.  The struggle.

S:  The nose is brackish but intensely bright with a citrus aspect like Squirt and Sierra Mist.  There is a sort of white grape and honey sweetness which closes dry and lightly herbal, a touch of green tea.  It doesn’t present itself like a gose and the funk wafts more like a barrel aged table beer, if such a thing exists.

DISCUSSING GOSESES? This blog is shitty, but it could be way worse.  Thank goodness for small blessings.

DISCUSSING GOSESES? This blog is shitty, but it could be way worse. Thank goodness for small blessings.

T:  This is like the narrow penumbra between American Wild and Biere de Pays, it is lightly tart, musky carpet, grapefruit and lemongrass that closes with a touch of earthiness like chantarelle mushrooms. The salinity is largely consumed by the varying elements at play, tartness grinding up on that muskiness, things get salacious real quick, foam going everywhere, there’s one Bosnian dude no one invited just filming the whole thing in a sweatsuit.  The salt and cheese lingers in your mouth and you secretly knew it would end like this.

M:  This exhibits a creamy mouthfeel that is expansive on the swallow and ends up finish dry and with a certain degree salinity.  It isn’t some tart bomb, but it isn’t exactly a blasee wheat affair either.  It is the meeting of a hoppy brett beer like Crooked Stave dry hopped brett d’or and something more akin to Avril and the result is an intensely crushable beer that delivers on many levels.  Really tasty stuff through and through.

posted in the trap sipping 40s of barrel aged coriander wheat beers

posted in the trap sipping 40s of barrel aged coriander wheat beers

D:  Again as I underscored above, this is mad croosh and you can just drill it endlessly without pause or cause for alarm.  At this point a 4% beer is what you space in between your 15% abv stouts so you cant really fret about the alcohol, but the real problem enters when you drill an entire bomber as an afterthought and immediately crave another and you realize that the shipping on the bottle cost almost as much as the beer itself.  It is far too drinkable for its own good and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  The Source tried to fuck Dre on the Chronic, but haters cant deny De Garde when they are pushing this kinda weight, five mics.

drilled that entire bottle in like 18 minutes.  The piss is forthcoming.

drilled that entire bottle in like 18 minutes. The piss is forthcoming.