Close that Bangbus tab for a moment and get ready for some SRS FUKN SEASION KNOWLEDG ETO BE DROPED:

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/saison-everything-you-need-to-know?%3Fsrc=rss#comments

That right there is THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SAISONS. EVR.

oh man, more top tier content from Esquire magazine, weighing in on the beer world with hard hitting journalism. I like this link almost as much as I did when they ran that incredible BEER SNOB exposé piece:

https://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/10/25/oh-shit-esquire-magazine-has-some-srs-beer-jokes-for-you/

It’s just tough to focus on these incredible farmhouse suggestions with competing links trying to show me how to “KEEP [MY] WATCH GAME SIMPLE” and “MILEY CYRUS GETS A TATTOO” it’s like, information OVERLOAD. I knew this article was gonna be sick when the first sentence was an irrelevant backlink to another article placed there to boost SEO, QUALITY CONTENT INCOMING FROM ESQUIRE MAGAZINE.

I also love the straw man FAQ format, like someone new to saisons is seriously asking these questions:

“Why can I only find saison in the spring and summer?”

This sentence has been uttered somewhere as many times as the phrase “when she saw my blue and red magic the gathering deck, she just had to suck my cock.”

The format, while hilarious and simplistic would be fine, if the suggestions weren’t spraypaint huffingly hilarious.

Hennepin, while commercially available probably resembles classic grisettes and would hardly be a hallmark of the style for 99% of saison brewers. I was going to assume this article should just be called “Guys, we googled some saisons that might be for sale near you” but then you add an obscure adjunct forward saison from Trinity, who has no distribution outside of Colorado, and isn’t exactly falling off the shelf inside the state as it is.

So then I was like “alright, maybe this is some watered down Michael Jackson list for basic palates who wear True Religion and get bottleservice” but then they suggest SAGE SAISON as some realistic archetype for new saison drinkers to frame their expectations around. New tickers be like “WHOA, what is this imitation LOGSDON? Where is the basil, thyme, coriander and crushed up mint leaves THAT I AM ACCUSTOMED TO? YOU KNOW, TRADITIONAL SAISONS.”

I get most of my beer news from Esquire, the fountainhead of erudite cicerone knowledge, so imagine my COMPLETE SHOCK when none of the following breweries were mentioned: Fantome, Jester King, Hill Farmstead, Prairie, Sante Adairius, hell even fucking Vapeur or a nod to Blaugies would have been nice. It can’t be due to distribution because the list itself is obscure and worthless as it comes. It was like a guy at Esquire while working on his pulitzer prize winning article “WHY ARE MESSENGER BAGS SO SICK THIS FALL?” went and googled random beers he saw at the grocery store and clicked some wkipedia links: AND BEHOLD THIS 18 MINUTE WORK OF BEER GENIUS IS BORN. The selections fall in one of two obscure categories.:

“DO YOU GUIZE WANNA KNOW ABOUT SEEASIZOENS? WELL CHECK OUT THESE THREE EXTREMELY HOPPED AMERICAN SAIYSUNS AND THEN TRY THESE OTHER ADJUNCT FORWARD FEARMHAUSES WE FOUND ON GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH! ESQUIRE DOES JOURNALISM FOR REALS!!!1!!”

tl;dr farmhouses are mad swag ultra yolo turn down 4 Wallonia LOL amirite