@tiredhandsbeer Back Into The Emptiness, From The Emptiness Back Within Prepositional Voids Purging to Beyond the Gerund Phrase

May 21, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Bit by bit, I am knocking out the highest rated saisons, closing in on the final few. This is one of them top 50 ratchets that was another 400 (?) bottle release all up in Ardmore Pennsylvania, whether the players be getting it. I have been told in rural Pennsylvania saison brewers keep a yellowrag on the right side letting those buster ass amber ale bangers what time it is.

You can drink all them DIPAs to pump up your chest/
I got a saison Mossberg to pump up your chest/
Leave your palate gasping when the farmhouse shells hit your vest/

Let’s try to wring out a few more EMPTINESS PUNS in today’s review.

This beer goes in on every track.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Style | ABV
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 7.00% ABV

Availability: Limited (brewed once)

Notes/Commercial Description:
Rose-hued saison fermented in local wine barrels with locally sourced French Policeman grapes.

A: Will you just look at this bad bitch, dropping those orange juicy hues on a fully laquered floor, light frothy carb scooping up crumpled singles to put her way through saison school. There is sticky substantial lacing and trims the tree on the way down the glass. It isn’t that pale hay and straw farmhouse, this is that Sunny D dankness you tell your grandkids about while explaining old injuries.

pop a world class saison at a tasting, Michigan tickers be looking like

S: This leads with a crazy white wine profile, them riesling and grapefruit pith notes, a slight sweetness like a Pinot Grigio with a lemon zest waft. The acidity isn’t off the charts but it pokes its head out and gives a subtle wink while rifling through your sister’s underwear drawer.

T: This leads with that sly minx, that grapefruit spritzer of white wine and green grape tannins, there is a touch of honey sweetness in the middle body that feels slightly weighty and substantial compared to these Keira Knightly thin ass farmhouse bitches I been slurping on lately. The finish is a sort of lightly lactic tartness meets cornbread goodness that lingers. God tier Saison: Achievement Unlocked +10 Saisonnier Points.

Lightly tart, complex wallonia bangers get me almost fully erect

M: I want to just go with the bottom shelf adjectives and say that this is “tart” and “dries like you ate too much FunDip” but that really isn’t EXACTLY what is happening. There is a touch of breadiness and maltiness to talk this woman down, to let her know you always delete your internet history; baller shit. There is a touch of honey sweetness like those KFC packets they used to distribute BACK BEFORE OBAMACARE. You get a white wine, you get some tingle on the gumline, but this is the best beer Tired Hands has put out: HANDS DOWN. I know you might be thinking “he says that shit all the time, one day I will lose my virginity.” But srs, it is really fucking hard to knock the persimmon offering because of the sweetness, but this has a depth to it. You really cant go wrong with either but this is like a TADDD better. If we are computing things on a TAD-scale.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and the 500ml format seems just right for what is going on here. When I had Handfarm I wanted more, so a 750ml would hit my grisette g spot, but this is just fine at this size and you could easily smash this and get back to your Yu Gi Oh deck creation. This is worthy of all of the hype it doesn’t receive and will join a long list of beers that I am pissed that I reviewed because now getting this tasty treat will be a complete cluster fuck of VSBitches and Fuzzypubes.

On the up side, everyone knows you can’t get a DUI when the sun is up.
The more you kno

Narrative: Emma Aldeen had a passion for the minimalism that only a bold few could appreciate. When she moved into her dorm room, she immediately relocated all items to the hallway and put the vast majority of her possessions in a nearby storage unit. “Feels good right?” she noted to her Korean suitemate as she extended her calves on the cold concrete. “No carpet, no desk, just emptiness, and my Morrissey box set,” she ejaculated as she slid her headphones over her ears. Everything in the world was clutter. Objects lacked any real permanence, so attempting to hold onto anything in a static medium was a fool’s errand, a denial of one’s own fleeting existence. Emma loved emptiness and wasn’t afraid who knew it. During periods of exceptional anxiety she felt the organized, cramped contents of her sternum and she longed for a hollow space within her rib cage. She bit deeply into whatever fruit is in this beer, like every character in every narrative does right before it is over and exclaimed, “once we have transcended the simple trappings of acquisition, that need and drive to hoard, then emptiness settles in and you find items of true value: the lack thereof. For only in establishing a net loss in every way, can you posture yourself to make noteworthy strides.” Her Korean roommate nodded intently and continued preparing for a Protoss rush.

TOP TEN CANTILLON HEIST SUSPECTS REVEALED

May 9, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Alright, if your Google feed is clogged with nothing but lambic, belgian, kriek, framboise, and goozie posts then you already know the dramatics that are currently unfurling at Brassiere Cantillon AS WE SPEAK:

SOMEONE STOLE SOME BOTTLES FROM INSIDE THE CANTILLON BREWERY

We aren’t talking the normal kerks or bio goozies you can get in the forgeiners section at Binnys: we are talking legit whales being stolen and transplanted Free Willy style. Instead of a killer whale jumping over a maladjusted boy, we have some anonymous Belgian culprits who may have pulled the greatest lambic heist since the 1991 Timmerman’s 11 robbery. The major difference being that people actually want to drink these bottles.

Notwithstanding, there are many unconfirmed rumors and fingerpointing/banging at this juncture. To help simplify matters, the forensic crime squad at DDB (DDB:SVUCSLLU) has assembled a list of the top ten most likely parties involved in this racketeering scheme:

NUMBER TEN: Bill Herlicka, Founder of White Birch

Criminal Mastermind at work

It is well-established that White Birch makes the SECOND best sour ales in the entire world. Not content with living in Jean Van Roy’s shadow, Mr. Herlicka is a completely viable candidate to swipe these bottles for the precious dregs at the bottom. Brewing is a dirty game and you gotta break a few eggs to make a lambic omelette, this guy perhaps is propagating Loerik dregs AS YOU ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW.

NUMBER NINE: Locke, from Final Fantasy III(VI)

Pictured above: Locke stripping a brewer stark naked in the streets of Brussels, zero fuxx given

This shady character is known for ripping off items. Whether it is jacking elixirs from barrels in Figaro, or getting all up on Kefka’s coin purse, I would not put it past him to come up on some Pikkachu’s or them late 90’s bangers. Detectives are looking for sprint shoe footprints at the time this article was posted.

NUMBER EIGHT: Trady, Negligent Moderator of Talkbeer.com

Previous failed plans pictured above

Long rumored to be “the worst” and patently negligent in executing his duties, several sources have provided tips that allude to Trady’s involvement in this scheme. First and foremost, he has not proven himself not guilty, which under Belgian law is worse than being actually guilty. Second, this man’s alleged benevolence in running BIFs exists as a smokescreen for his more nefarious intentions. If you see Trady attempting to swap bottles of anything outside of Carton Boat Beer, then you will know something is amiss from this New Jersey miscreant.

NUMBER SEVEN: Bitzy, bad trader from 2010 that everyone likely forgot about.

The mind of a larcenous genius ticks behind that calm facade.

Most of my readers aren’t even old enough to remember Bitzy, but essentially on BA about 4 years ago this criminal savant duped someone into sending him beer WHILE HE WAS IN COLLEGE. The scheme was as well-oiled as a Rube Goldberg machine and Bitzy later noted that his parents were no longer paying for his habits, AND HE VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE ON THE LAMB. He remains at large and cannot be ruled out as a suspect in this highly-nuanced plot.

NUMBER SIX: JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME SPECIFICALLY IN TIME COP

Surveillance footage of Van Damme inside of Brassiere Fantome in Soy.

The story at this juncture is that the bottles were taken by “some Belgian dudes” however, no one has yet ruled out the possibility that it is the SAME BELGIAN DUDE FROM TWO TIMELINES. JCVD is just the type of crafty individual to pull off this scheme, and furthermore, the pacifist beer nerd persona wont speak up when he sees someone cutting in line, let alone when an ex-kickboxer is walking out with crates of DQ. When asked for comment, Jean Claude kicked the DDB correspondent through a pile of Fantome crates.

NUMBER FIVE: AIR DOG from NBA Jam

source: http://www.giantbomb.com/nba-jam/3030-16928/characters/

Last photo on file of this 16-bit asshole

This criminal’s whereabouts have been unknown since the PS1 era in 1996, but simple mathematics demonstrates that he is now able to drink and has a penchant for expensive ass lambic. Air Dog is a child who is a secret character in the console versions of the original NBA Jam, Tournament Edition, as well as NBA Jam Extreme, but to the FBI he is a criminal mastermind capable of 360 dunking an entire case of Vigneronne through a tiny brewery window. You ever wonder why there were only 230 bottles of Beatification batch 4 released? FUCKING AIR DOG STRIKES AGAIN.

NUMBER FOUR: DICK PARSONS, CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers

source: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/05/09/0509-richard-parsons-getty-4.jpg

Pictured above: NBA CEO not about to say something racist

The former head of both Time Warner and Citigroup has assumed the reigns of interim CEO of the Los Angeles Clippers and he has plenty to celebrate about. If you think he is going to use a cliche magnum of Dom P to celebrate this new acquisition, you are sorely mistaken. This financial wizard is capable of almost anything and I would not be shocked to see a jereboam Don Quixote showering over Honduran Clippers fans in the forthcoming parade that is inevitable.

NUMBER THREE: Justin Fucking Bieber

source: http://ll-media.tmz.com/2014/05/09/0509-justin-bieber-madison-new-instagram-4.jpg

Justin Bieber pictured above with Madison BEER. No coincidences here, folks.

This pubeless phenom has dropped more Limited Too thongs than a pediatrcian, but that simply is not enough. The Biebs will be of legal drinking age soon, and if you think he is settling for Cigar City Deja Vu, you are dead fucking wrong. JB slipped his waify frame through the gate at Cantillon, shimmied his svelte glistening tiny pecs across the koelschip and waited in the mash tun for his time to strike. His obliques were dripping with sticky sweet wort, cascading along the v-li-

next suspect

NUMBER TWO: RICH HOME QUAN

source: http://ionetheurbandaily.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/rich-homie-quan.jpg

Pictured above: Mr. Homie Quan in front of what can only be assumed to be Drie Fonteinen’s satellite brewing location in Atlanta.

If you follow Worldstarhiphop, which I am sure every one of my beta, malty mouthed readers does, then you know Rich Homie Quan HAD A FUCKING SEIZURE RECENTLY. Now of course, his publicist is gonna make his cite exhaustion and the Atlanta humidity — and not drugs — for his recent collapse in Atlanta, but if you have ever took a deep ass pull of Spuyten, you know that whalesauce will hit you hard. Even if you are accustomed to Promethazene mixed with Sierra Mist, rare lambic will put you on your ass. Local ratchets/employees of Magic City noted that they saw “bottles of a Cowboy looking Purple Drank falling all out of his bus.” For anyone who has had too much Blabaer and woken up beside a confused young Samoan, you know this tale all too well.

AND FINALLY THE NUMBER ONE SUSPECT WHO STOLE ALL THOSE BOTTLES OF CANTILLON:

Failed MTV VJ Jesse Camp

source: http://www.guessthe90sanswers.net/images/nineties/jesse-camp.jpg

The face of pure evil and distilled genius

If you are going to scoop up thousands of dollars in lambic and get off scot-free, you better be a Thanatos-level criminal mastermind. The first-ever winner of the “Wanna Be a VJ” contest, Jesse rocketed to a successful, two-year run as class clown on the network, including his own show, Lunch With Jesse. But during this run in the late 90’s he got a taste for that sweet honey pot, that sticky icky goozie bug. He tricked the entire world into thinking he was a dipshit and a complete idiot, just to fuel his love for spontaneously fermented beers. Belgian military have been instructed to shoot on sight anyone who looks like Jesse or is suspected of shopping at American Apparrel, all Urban Outfitters patrons will be water-boarded for posterity.

This is a case in progress and all leads will be examined, more details as they develop, don’t even bother checking other beer sites, DDB has this one on lock.

DDB Declared “Witless Apologist” and “Sign of the End Times” by Noteworthy Beer Author

April 22, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Wait hang on, did I say “noteworthy beer author?” Let me rephrase that with “myopic blogger with a shittier page rank than DDB.”

CHECK OUT THIS HOT EDITORIAL FRESH OUT OF THE POT:

HE’S GOT OPINIONS ABOUT HOW THE BRUERY HANDLED THE RECENT INFECTION AND A SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO HEAR ABOUT THEM

LOOK OUT: witless apologist coming through

Let’s couch bashing this old timey Pepperidge Farms website for a moment and address the substance of what Mr. Alan McLeod is saying:

1) new breweries are having problems with quality control
2) The Bruery took an active stand against quality control (by offering consumers the option to purchase something with full disclosure)
3) The Bruery should have outright dumped all of the beer and not allowed customers to exercise any choice as to whether they wished to purchase the product, fully-informed or otherwise
4) He also makes this final point:
“If it is good enough for big beer and the jet setting purveyors of sucker juice to suggest that if “a beer drinker has a bad experience, they are just going to go back to companies they know and trust” it is also worth the same pile on when an established brewer is passing off unstable and unintendedly sub-par beer – even at an embarrassingly inflated discount”

You may also notice that this sentence has 66 words in it, an out-of-context quote, no fewer than three independent clauses, the word “unintendedly,” and, most importantly: doesn’t make any fucking sense.

So let me try to dig in and break down the dollop of levity that I whipped up in the ole DDB kitchen yesterday, since this author wants to grind on a straw man.
I am in favor of full disclosure from breweries: when they fuck up, when they have relevant information, even when it wouldn’t matter to 90% of the craft beer world. Giving a consumer a transparent appraisal of your product and then leaving the decision up to them is not “sucker juice,” it is leaving autonomy to the neckbeards to decide whether they want a $20 bottle of lacto porter or 3 issues of Barely Legal. I like that they have that choice. I do not like that the beers were infected and I didn’t dust off my “FUCK QC” foam finger for this issue, if people want to buy the beers, then let them.

People should be allowed to make their own shitty decision, no one is apologizing for them

Making a blanket statement about new breweries in general is myopic and leverages Goliath to fall onto David. The Bruery is not a new operation, nor are they undercapitalized, nor are they some novice in the beer game. They have produced some world class beers and maintain one of the largest independent barrel aging programs in the United States. To give them a condescending pat on the head, call them “charmingly high billing” and “put on [their] big boy pants” warrants qualification. Not from them, from you Alan McLeod. I am not here to apologize for Bruery infecting a beer, I am here to take a look at your qualification for making any judgments about their products.

On his own admissions he “[is] not out of pocket because [he has] not been impressed with any offerings [he has] tried by the brewery in question, chalking down the muddle to trucking beer across a continent.” What in the fuck is this guy even talking about? A massive barrel aged beer like Bourbon Barrel Bois was somehow skunked in transit? We are given no context for the opinions presented beyond a quick wash, “I have, thankfully, no skin in the game.” More apt, this guy has no fucking knowledge in the game of Bruery offerings. If you haven’t tried the best offerings from a brewery, maybe you should either 1) shut the fuck up with blanket statements about all of their products or 2) qualify your shitty opinion with “I have had only Mischief and Rugbroad, I don’t seem to know shit.”

FATALITY: JANKY KANO WINS.

It’s fine not to know what the fuck you are talking about, but characterizing the DDB post as some kind of apology again, makes no fucking sense. If you want to talk about consumer responsibility, the choice is very binary: buy it or fuck off. It is as simple as that. I read the Bruery email and was like “wait, should I buy this?” and then the second question arose, “perhaps I should just fuck off.” This guy is not even in the Reserve Society, has no fucking ability to even buy the beers he is railing against, no knowledge of the products in question, and instead we get some autoerotic quotes like, “I avoid this sort of problem by educating myself well in advance, by knowing how the world works.” Oh shit, throw me a rope down from your Ivory Tower because the rest of us have no idea what we are doing. We simply cannot make informed decisions like you can, Alan McLeod. We need to enlist the help of The AUTHOR OF “THE UNBEARABLE NONSENSE OF CRAFT BEER – A RANT IN NINE ACTS” I am not shitting you.

Bottom line: standards do matter. The Bruery offered up a product with a full disclosure of their own knowledge and allowed consumers to make their own decisions. No one is applauding the infection. I have yet to find a single person who read the email and was like “this is fucking tight, $10 off.” We all understand the circumstances and the transaction presented because we are fucking adults. We don’t need some interloping third party to explain to us that a brewery should dump infected beer. I can understand that without a rant in nine acts because I am a fucking adult.

The ultimate irony is being called a “sign of the end times” by a noteworthy blogger from the past, who remains less relevant in today’s continually-evolving beer culture.

NEW VEDEO REVUE: Marskettle Derk Lerd, INCREASED PLADOUGH GRAVITAS brewing tricks

April 21, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Today we learn brewers triks on how to make water have more pladoughs, then increase the gravitas. Using moscattle, and some secret incredients (REVEALED IN THE VEDEO!) you can make the water pofile like Indiana, until u can save up enoug to move ther.

BREWING SECRATS REVEALS!

LOL at the butthurt regarding Bruery’s full disclosure about these infected porters.

April 21, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

So the Bruery announced today that their imperial porter collaboration with 3 Floyd’s might be infected, and basements shook with rage as sausage fingers pounded on their COMPAQ keyboards.

Some would call this entitlement, people being pissed about not getting their money’s worth out of a $300 – $700 club, and that’s fine, but you also joined a $700 club for beer, so I am pretty sure you lost your 14th amendment privileges at that point.

Others might think that this boils down to some crazy profiteering, from a brewery openly acknowledging flaws with their product…and warning their customers…before it is released for sale. I can’t really address that without colorful pie charts and clips from Yo Gabba Gabba, so I will move on.

I like the fact that, were this released the other way around, 3 floyds would have tossed it into their generic 750mls, hand numbered it, charged $50, used a lottery system, then later not used any lottery system and just sold it at the brewpub, and then ignored patron’s complaints after the fact when it was discovered that they sold a clearly infected beer at a huge markup.

oh and Indiana traders would ask for V012, etc.

Thank God we avoided that result.

I guess you could try and have a field day complaining about QC, but the Bruery was upfront about it, like a classy escort that lets you know she has HSVII but she is not currently shedding. And like a classy escort, knocks a few bucks off the fees.

If you don’t feel like doming a 15% porter within a couple of months, maybe you are a raging pussy? Maybe let the real drinkers pass through while you as picking up scattered Midols all over the ground.

sometimes i ask, “WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE THIS SHIT?”

I think we can all agree: yes it is shitty that the porters became infected. Here are a few solutions used by other breweries:

1) “we pasteurize the beer, sell it online in a fire sale, don’t make enough for even half of our reserve members” – Cigar City rocked this amazing strategy and people were still drinking their cum off of glass plates. It sold out instantly.

2) “Don’t tell them, maybe they wont know, we cant be responsible for beer held over time” this is the usual whipping post for smaller breweries that have zero fucks to spare. Dark Horse rocks this shit all the time, changes a label a bit here and calls it a day. SOUR OLD ALE YOU SAY? SIGN ME UP.

3) “We are gonna sell this beer, if people don’t like it, allow them to potentially abuse our marketing department and do a full refund across the board.” This is classy as fuck, but not really realistic. Bruery did this for Cacaonut and the other beers and people not only rocked full refunds, but then still bitched about how they could spend their refunds for beers they may have enjoyed or traded away. CCB pulled this white knight move for Huna day and you can basically do anything short of lighting pug puppies on fire as long as you have an apology like this. Noble, but expensive as fuck.

4) “OUR BEERS ARE NOT INFECTED, that BA Stout is supposed to taste like merlot and have a 5 finger head.” This is a classic move from the smallest of breweries, it essentially shifts the onus onto the customer for buying them in the first place. I love this one the most. YOU DONT LIKE THAT FUNKY BUDDHA BOTTLE WELL MAYBE BEERS ARENT MEANT TO BE DRANK OVER 5 WEEKS AFTER RELEASE? Basically shaming people for not drinking things immediately is dope as fuck. A certain East County San Diego brewery might be implicated in this cadre as well.

5) “This is potentially infected, sorry in advance, no refunds but at least we are dealing it straight.” I remember this going down with Hellshire II and we had the same bowlegged sore nutsacks complaining. I prefer this approach the most: you wanna spin the black circle? God ahead, we warned you.

you could complain about shit, or you can look at this pic of baby otters. choice is yours.

So is a brewery to do? For every million they make, more complaints ensue. I guess the underlying moral is that complaints from husky beer nerds are kinda like hearing sobbing from attendees at the Farscape/Babylon 5 convention: literally no one gives a fuck about them. This is the razor edge of 1 percenters in a hobby predicated on consumables. Until there is craft ice, this is the absolute nadir of hobbies and I will continue to treat them as such.

@drugstorebrewer Ale Apothecary Triple Scissor Shootout: Those sub-300 bottle count bangers, for the haters.

April 18, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Slowly but surely, beta tickers are starting to turn off their Tae Bo tapes and now are discovering saisons. As much as I didn’t want this to happen, like those first tufts of curlies, all those baby 2012 bitches are taking those wobbly farmhouse steps, jingling daddy’s Wallonia keys. I guess this was the logical extension of waiting on kids who were all about Black Note and KBS last year, now they have a litany of ultra-lactic, wild, high abv super saisons at their disposal and suddenly we have a new crop of saison masters.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. Those same weak peninses who thought saisons were all Hennepin and Red Barn suddenly are flexing their traps in the yard, tryna run shit. I am fine with that because I let my Biere De Garde lats swole like bat wings. So what is the deal with all these small run saisons that push the inner butthole of the American Wild Ale game? Cory King is kicking out these 400 bottle runs monthly and now has main bitches and side bitches in his Sidekick. Chase started crushing up lines of Caravienna on a CD case and letting tickers wipe it on they gums now guess who is hooked?

Today I wanna holler at these mountainous farmhouse purveyors up in Oregon. I picture head brewer, Paul Arney, doing burpees and deep dips in a hollow out spruce coolship, cooking up these super saisons turned wild ales, working on his chest piece. So it wasn’t like their “normal” lineup of Sahalie and…uh…La Tache I guess, were easy to come by. Those were already like 700 bottle runs and asspensive. So I moaned initially at the idea of having to seek out their LIMITED shit. The waiting list for their AA club is over a year long and I don’t have that kinda patience. Luckily, the PNW traders are staggeringly charitable and hooked it up.

Today we will be counting down the recent limited Ale Apothecary releases, RANKING THEM, and tossing beats along the way. Because I am not writing no 2700 words with narratives and shit.

THIRD PLACE:

We are not the same, I am a Martian, approach these cellar doors with caution

The Ale Apothecary
Oregon, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | ABV 9% (handwritten, hard to see?)

Why is this a bitch:
270 bottles produced
Ale Club members will receive theirs automatically, leaving “100-150 up for grabs”
No bottles will be available for public retail sales

– Alright first and foremost this is by no means a “bad beer.” Not unlike the Blind BABW tasting results the competition is fierce because we are talking about top tier super saysuns/AWAs. I initially opened this super cold because I had carbonic acid issues with MASSIVE carb and gushing. It’s like AA takes a page from old Logsdon on their attenuation swag. This spill out as lively as Champagne and just sits soapy with a thick domeshot of Palmolive bubbles.

This is strange, but you welcome it lovingly. RIEEEECHARD PARKER farmhouse swagger.

– This beer is just too. fucking. sour. I know some people do naked diamond pushups and call me a pussy but the lactic profile coupled with the low ph, intense dryness, and crackly overcarbing just makes this hard for the 750ml trudge. I mean, I still finished it and really enjoyed it but god damn, it’s like going to Mormon summer camp, just running your mouthraw with that farmhouse heavy petting. This has a tart bouquet of tangerine, light bitterness like orange pith, grapefruit juiciness, and a closer that is bittering like some of the Blaugies offerings. I still killed it, would love to try it again, but this is the least balanced and more extreme of their offerings. Still def. recommended.

SECOND PLACE:

IN CASE THINGS GET TOO EXTREME INSIDE THAT ARTISANAL KNOT WILL KEEP THE CORK IN PLACE

The Ale Apothecary
Oregon, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 10.70% ABV

Why people lose their shit over this:
SPENCER (The Dispenser of Provisions) is our annual fruit beer. In the early fall, we harvest wild blackcurrant fruit and add it to a batch of year-old SAHALIE. The sugars in the fruit produce another fermentation and the blackcurrant tannins create additional structure over the 8-month aging period. Prior to bottling, the beer is dry-hopped for a month in oak barrels. With close to 2 years in oak, Spencer has a much more developed Brettanomyces character than our other beers.  Because of the extremely limited quantity of wild blackcurrant available, we produce only one oak barrel of Spencer every year. This beer is unlabeled and reserved exclusively for our Ale Club members.

This tart sniper looks inviting and will put you down just as fast

– See all of that above? That reads like a romance novel for the modern beer trader. All those adjectives just create that perineum tingling that people who seek Raries just gotta have. I really enjoyed this beer and loved the riff on the same Ale Apoth offerings. This has even MORE absurd carbonation, on the same level of Sahati where you pour it and just stand back like “alright, enough already.” When this finally settles down it has a radiant golden, quasi turbid precious metal allure to it.

– This beer is less dry than Sahalien and is easily the most drinkable, the abv in all of these beers is laughably imperceptible but this one drinks like a belgian table beer and you could pull some PUNK’D stunts on your bisexual roomate with this sleeping beast. You get apricot, tart kumquat, there is light graininess to it and this would be the closest to the super saisons and less in the AWA realm. If you liked Fantome Extra Sour, you will really dig this beast. Again, highly recommended. Top tier, china white, not stepped on product.

WINRAR: THE BEER FORMERLY KNOWN AS LA TACHE AGED IN RUM BARRELS WITH WHITE PEACHES or “TBFKALTAIRBwWP” for short.

Prepare to not drink this beer. Fucking top tier AWA/Saison, whateveruwannacallit. It goes in hard. Multiple climaxes,

The Ale Apothecary
Oregon, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | ABV ?

WHY ARE PEOPLE LOSING THEIR SHIT:
First and foremost, I think La Tache got caught up in some petty wine litigation not unlike SUCABA, because now we have this disclaimer version. I can only speculate, but any way. The base beer was fucking awesome, then they RAR’ed it hard in rum barrels, then added the WHALEFRUIT: white peaches. I think this was a 230 bottle release with most of the bottles taken to the Second Annual Portland Wild Ale Festival. I think the AAclub members then got the chance to buy maybe one? If you areolas aren’t tingling then maybe you need to go back to drinking Colette.

This doesnt fit in AWA or Super Saisons, it just stunts hard as fuqqq

– God damn, if this is the Goldlocks paradigm, TBFKALTAIRBwWP just tears it up and is “JUSSSST RIIIITE.” If Sahalien pulled your hair too hard, but Spencer wouldn’t talk dirty to you, this is just the right amount of wrong. The balance is incredible between the juice, acidity, funk, barrel, and laughably hidden abv. The carbonation is the most retrained out of any AA offering thus far, the hue is a perfect deep orange, slightly murky, that orange and pineapple ester profile just banging, peach jolly ranchers falling in but dropping a 2/4 acidic beat, not a sticky sweetness. The nose has a muskiness, light funk that is dominated in equal parts by the acidity and juiciness which wasn’t metabolized by that high ass attenuative yeast strain. This is like if Fou Foune and b1 Persica were all tongue kissing and you are peeping through a painting with the eyes cut out. It’s that decadent and tawdry, but so fulfilling.

– The taste is fucking phenomenal top to bottom and I would be surprised if this isn’t within the realm of DDB top beers of 2014. I really can’t offer many descriptors for improvement aside from a slightly sweet cloying aspect at higher temps, light fusel presence in the low 60’s, and other nit picky shit. But in all honesty, the fruit interplay with the acidic tannic finish and caramel underpinnings of the rum barrel make for a peach jubilee that is both dry but assertive, juicy but gentle, you can take her to your parents but also pull her weave.

This is the real deal, through and through. Cannot recommend highly enough. Now I will never try this shit again because asshole DDB readers always ruin it for me on the ISO;FT boards.

@gooseisland Brettanomite, Chicago Cultures Bringing those Brettangomeechies Heaters

April 14, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Back in November when Cahutlow dropped people went apeshit. Somehow in the scramble this solid gem got overlooked. This seems anomalous given what we know about Illinois and their previous trading propensities, a brewery only release with a sub-400 bottle count? This should have been the second coming of VSB, wild ale rapture for stretchmarked Cubs fans mashing out on overloaded hot dogs. Alas, the Humean proposition holds true that we cannot predict the future except by inference, and this one was relatively quiet: UNTIL NOW.

But on the real, this is a solid sour beer and I am gonna go irie on today’s review

Damnnn 750ml and waxed, shit is this had an ornate carboard box you know shit would have been way too real

Goose Island Beer Co.
Illinois, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 6.30% ABV

One-off steeze. 350 bottles.

GI BE LIKE: we’re releasing Brettanomite, our final beer of the 25th Anniversary Series. The brewers hand-bottled a sour wheat that was aged 13 months in oak barrels with Brettanomyces, Lambicus, Bruxellensis and Lactobacillus (6.3%) It’s golden in color, has wild aromas of ripened stone fruit, a spicy tart flavor and a cleanly balanced finish.

A: This is a touch darker than I was expecting given the “wheat beer” base, maybe I was thinking I was in for some 312 Urban Wheat Beer (now in cans) but this presents a much darker countenance, more in line with them Sour in the Rye offerings, but still inviting nonetheless. The carbonation is substantial and drops foam left and right with cascading rings of lacing fighting against the noteworthy acidity ripping down them malty residuals like tannic sandcastles. Bubbling like girls when they see they have 4 episodes of SCANDAL on the DVR.

You met her on Plentyoffish but wait until she finds out how much you spent on this dumbshit tick. u dead homie.

S: This presents an awesome apricot bouquet at the outset with mild oakiness, nectarine acidity, dented peaches, pluots left to ripen and fall of the vine, and the slightest hint of musky complexity. For all the brett in the name and brett this and brett that, it seems more like a Lactomite or a Pediomite, but only completely worthless brewers use Pedio puns in their labels, so I understand the move. This is an inviting beer that has a slightly less acetic nose akin to Sour in the Rye Kumquat. This will be a running theme so dig in, this beer is essentially a SitR deviant, albeit 10% better executed. The edges rounded off and a coat of lacquer applied for that showroom glean. Then again if GI sent this nationwide, to Whole Foods, to Bevmos and Total Wines, we could anticipate that loving $30+ price tag that we enjoyed with Halia. So there’s also that.

T: This is a touch more acidic than the nose would suggest but it still remains in balance, not exactly in a Belgian tradition, but somewhere less aggressive than the testicle twisting pH of say Upland offerings, more dimensions than the Cascade lineup, but falls short of some of the wild farmhouse offerings that the top tier American Saison purveyors are offering. The taste is almost more in line with “saisons” in the Prairie and Side Project realm with that amped up acidity and pineapple, light oaky/grassiness in the finish and the fruit tannins overseer making sure those malty fields are tilled with care. For posterity, take Sour in the Rye and dial back the acidity and the spicy rye character, you get this beer. Which is to say it’s a tasty treat.

Dont hoard these low bottle count ticks, fuck school, pop these burners. These bitches love Sosa.

M: This isn’t the sandiest vagina at the beach, but it isn’t exactly some juicy treat either. It presents a lingering dryness but Zambonies things to an even plane with a juicy profile up front. The coating is minimal and leaves some sort of bitterness and acidity on the swallow but you can still swing a big dick at a tasting with this, stunt on tickers opening BRASH BROS offerings.

D: This is highly drinkable but not into the “CROOSH” range if we are using terms of art. The GERD factors arent in play as the acidity is blaanced out, you don’t get rumble guts and this remains pretty consistent throughtout all temp ranges. You don’t get cankersores and it isn’t overly drying, but it isn’t the most memorable beer either. You could buy a Juliet instead and, while different, you are on a similar level of stunting. Giving up mad bottles for this is like an injured Chris Paul it aint got no point. Some people think the Panamera stunts on the 911 hard, but ultimately you don’t need to drop Persian stacks to run those sub-5 times, it just boils down to panache. If you want to bosst your petty ego with a shitty website, post grainy pics, talk shit on fictional interlocutors behind a computer screen, bolster your inferiority complex predicated on beverages, then sure this is for you. So if you aren’t DDB, you can still hang out the window and get your Suge Knight on without this bottle.

my face when tickers be like “you rate Geese Islands beers unfarely!”

Narrative: The F-18 screeched along the cloud cover awaiting final orders. This escort mission had gone horribly wrong and now he was stuck in this Blue Angels mission from hell. “Commander, primary guns are shot, nothing left on frontline support, only offensive materials available are AIM-Sidewinder missiles.” The commander sighed and turned off the intercom, “ALL HE HAS IS HEAVY FIREPOWER! We are talking 4 big shots to make an impression, this is a suicide mission!” “Sir, you left the intercom on, and I know what I am going into, I know what to do, GODSPEED!” The intercom went into a thicket of static and the sound of hissing bombs cutting through the atmosphere cut through the airwaves. “That crazy son of a gun just did something I have seen very few men capable of, a one-sided honorable assault. Godspeed.” The smoldering robusto appeared not unlike the failing jet engine, cutting through the mist. That acidic bastard just went out in a rare showing, a balance blaze of glory most would never see again. The demonstration was hardly necessary, but the sheer showmanship made it all worthwhile. Commander Jennings took a deep pull from a pineapple juicebox and watched the LED green dot disappear from the MCOM scanner.

BFM (Brasserie des Franches-Montagnes) XV (√225 Saison) – Math nerds cupping them swiss saison racks

April 12, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

I sometimes have to field dumbshit complaints like “you never review beers I have heard of,” or “where is your KBS review? I need to know, plz, DDB captainsaveaho” and then I lol and drop 900 words on another obscure farmhouse beer because, this site ain’t bout that basic bitch shit. We aren’t on doing Frozen “LET IT GO” covers and posting instagram pics of us at Coachella listening to Lorde and shit. Go to another trifling beer site for that, there are plenty.

So today we have an ultra-legit top 50 saison that I have been longing for, ArchEnemy hooked this up. Apparently people in the PNW dont want to drop $30 on a weird looking “18 century ale.” MOAR FOR ME. Today we finna huff that Swiss Mist, tickers be like “SwizzySwizzy when your saison droppin?”

I was gonna chope this bitch up, but then I realized I might not tick this again. BOY WOULD MY FACE BE RED.

BFM (Brasserie des Franches-Montagnes)
Switzerland
Style | ABV
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 5.00% ABV

A: This rolls out of the bottle like a broken dishwasher spraying luminous foam all over the place, attenuated as fuck, that 90% strain just working those malts like a laquered floor at Magic City. Those straw red bottoms are clacking at the top of the saison pole and the webbing looks like Peter Parker just re-upped his subscription to Brazzers. The whole affair is turbid like a roll in the hay and the haze looks like someone is smoking dro in a tanning bed. The whole thing is dirty and fulfilling, like watching 3 hours of Nostalgia Critic and lying about it.

Beers like this are strange, but somehow you respect them because you know they mean business.

S: This is incredddddibly musky. Holy shit, I can only imagine how this tiny 5% abv ramped up and boosted out this huge acidic cheesy nose. You get some lemongrass, jamba juice rinds, The brett takes top billing and dips hard, accenting the acidity from the wild aspects of this yeast. This is chunky and dry, acidic curds and whey, lemon meringue cornbread cooling on the windowsill, and then you gotta change your Anchor Blue jeans because you just farmhoused so hard.

T: This takes the acidic nose and takes the cheesiness and funk to gruyere levels. The musk is like the Brabantiae of the saison world and I wish I had an old ass bottle of this, top tier farmhouse ale no question. The middle is a touch of breadiness and biscuit, with a sharp cheddar rind dryness and this pithy orange/grapefruit peel finish. It is incredibly dry and leaves a linger herbal creaminess along the gumline like you just sucked off a Shaman, but you are ok with it, because you finna tick. Incredibly complex beer on the nose and the mouth, call an ENT and get some biopsies done.

You pop this beer and a sense of urgency rolls over you.

M: This is creamy not unlike Ete, but imparts an intense dryness from the musk and funk. The FG on this must be like negative platos, anti matter sucking all nether-malts into the void. It is acidic but so balanced in the approach that you can chain these hard, 750ml is a LOL serving size and the 5% abv just gets your all excited and it ends suddenly. You can guzzle this, the carb doesn’t slow you down, the acidity doesn’t dry you out, the musk isn’t cloying, and the thin body isn’t substantial enough to fill you up. THIS IS A ROBOT SAISON THAT CANNOT BE REASONED WITH. I don’t know if Wallonia would give this a full nod, farms all on the sides of the alps like Snowboarder Kids [fn1 – N64] but in the end it is just fucking delicious and if this was a true 18th century ale, I would not have gotten jack shit harvested or planted. I would have been all swerved in Zurich chopping up Roussean flows; what were we even talking about-

D: See above and make a quick inference whether this is exceptionally drinkable. This is a top tier saison for sure and I wish it would either 1) be more available or 2) dipshit tickers who secretly love AWA would leave beers like this alone. My site isn’t helping my cause by exposing saisons on the reg to stoutmouthed masses. It is a double edged sword, I want to show the world the new way i found out how to touch myself but then everyone steals my bit. So if you like wild ales and ultra acidic lambics, go drink those and leave us poor farmhouse drillers to our provincial toil. I can’t have it both ways, I can’t both praise beers like this and then continually rip on people who seek out KBS and black note like they are whales. The plaintive truth is that the second the 2013 wave of tickers moves to the next evolution of their palates they are gonna babyboom the fuck out of the farmhouse world. Draining our resources, not paying into the system, you know. Let’s just hope these newbz still think saisons are all Red Barn and Hennepin for the time being. Let us pray.

Tired of hearing dipshits argue over stout values? Drink saisons. It’s basically like calling Social Services for your liver.

Narrative: Jacob Donalds surveyed the contents of his spacious “cellar” and nodded in calm approval. The northwest corner of his parent’s basement in northern Ohio was his palatial estate, racks upon racks of IKEA shelves with bottles upon bottles of stouts and porters distributed nationwide. While submitting resumes on Monster.com he would take brief breaks to run his finger along his collection of Stone IRS bombers, lovingly caressing the cardboard boxes from each of his Parabola mainstays, kept in perpetual slumber. There was seldom a time that he did not mention his age when presenting this opulent stash, “NOT BAD FOR A 24 YEAR OLD RIGHT?” he would importune to his uncaring friends. Still, when the sun would dip low across the insubstantial horizon, he felt a panging and a hollow emptiness that perhaps he was not the most knowledgeable person in the entire world. His self image was affirmed regularly by his 134 person Facebook group and the accolades that followed upon posting photos of 2 bottles of Abyss were not insubstantial. Still, while running his fingertips over bottles and bottler of BCBS there was a vision of a higher calling, a more perfect style, as high as the Swiss alps, as refreshing as a kumquat harvest, running barefoot across fields in northern france. For now he would content himself to chocolates and coffees, for to embrace the unknown was to lay prostrate to a tradition of history whose power lay not in starting platos, but finish gravity.

@tiredhandsbeer Tired Hands, The Emptiness is Eternal; the void in my farmhouse jeans is eternally filled.

April 7, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

Tired Hands and I have a turbid history with their bottled offerings. They released one of the best saisons of recent memory but then they also release intensely strange beers brewed with esargot shells. Thankfully this falls well within the realm of the latter and even goes beyond all prior iterations and offerings.

If we are going to use something in the realm of Blue Label Arthur as a benchmark, this hits real close to the pin and is one of the best American saisons of recent memory. Take that Cask 200 swagger, add some Lil Lobster on the Prairie, and you get the idea of what Kobe shit we are addressing. This farmhouse puts up 83 on those haters.

Workin them persimmons, clacking those red bottoms, putting itself through saison college.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States

Style | ABV
Saison / Farmhouse Ale | 7.00% ABV

Notes/Commercial Description:
The Emptiness is Eternal is an oak barrel fermented Saison conditioned on a copious amount of Hachiya persimmons grown by our dear friend Tom Culton at his family farm in Lancaster, Pa. We produced 400 bottles of this beautiful Saison.

A: At the outset you get this intensely radiant beer that just LOOKS bone fucking dry. They golden notes look like radioactive hay like it came from some locally sourced Chernobyl farm. There is a mild turbidity to it with frothy thin bubbles that crackle and toss up some wispy stacks and let them rain. The lacing is decent but cling isn’t this beers mainstay, it’s all about that yellow ringpop glow. Marcellus Wallace briefcase shit.

Get your mouth on this golden treat ASAP

S: This is acidic but not in that Side Project/borderline AWA realm, it has a tangerine and white grape waft, since this is a 400 bottle release you get serious rare notes at the outset the sublimate into a sort of “unobtainable” and dissipate. The persimmons are light and, as a side note, as a complete bitch to capture in the flavor profile, come through lovingly in the waft. You get some sour skittles acidity and faintly brackish aspect but again the whole thing comes across as a tropical fruit stand with a faint biscuit underpinning. Drank this in bed and had to change the sheets, got that horse blankie all dirty.

T: This is more acidic in the taste than the persimmon sweetness of the nose would indicate and it imparts a riesling dryness upon swallow. The middle is all clementine and orange zest, intensely drinkable, but never going overboard on the acidity and maintaining its wheat backbone enough to paint the ph canvas. Admittedly this is not the most complex beer in taste execution, but it really doesn’t need to be. If you strip down a Datsun 240z and drop an acidic 350 in it, it will get the job done without complexity or panache. This shit drops Molly all in your champagne and people be fuxxin after you pop one of these.

Some people can’t handle the farmhouse lifestyle, do u even rustic

M: This is on the dryer side of the farmhouse realm and doesn’t provide a lingering creaminess for the gumline, but again, it never loses its identity within the folds of that ATP acidity, Kreb’s citric acid cycle kept all in check. You can drill this and wont be left with gerd or cankersores. It exits with a white wine oakiness that is almost drowned out from the fruit notes, but when you see them sparklers in the club, you forget all about the minor details.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable and you can lay these down racksonracksonracks, well, relative to the 2 per person allocation I guess. If ever a 7% beer needed to be in a 750ml, this is it. THe 500ml is like a full release massage where you never get to flip over. I want more and will tip up, but the opportunity is over all too soon. This isn’t some musky complex banger, but it is awesome in the 3 tricks it does turn out. I can safely recommend this to anyone, stretch marked Cicerones or size zero BEBE dress wearing ASU students alike. This beer goes in.

borderline wild, but domesticated enough for you to fall in love

Narrative: Billy was commonly known as one of the Double Dragon brothers, but there was so much more to Mr. Lee. While some would protest that an industrial garage was an uncomely location for a citrus garden, he still pressed on diligently. He had a small plot of land in the year 19XX and tilled the soil arduously in between rescuing his girlfriend from local thugs. He would pack a few tangerines in his pocket and then proceed to strike a woman armed with a whip directly in the face. There was a simplicity to his agrarian existence, romantic in his goals, and a Roussean nature to his exploits. Billy pushed a huge bald man off of a conveyor belt and peeled a clementine and watched Abobo fall to his death, another day for an industrial farmer caught in the grips of modern existence.

OWA Brewery, Ume Lambic, Just When you Thought I was PLUM OUT of Lambic Reviews

April 2, 2014 | dontdrinkbeer

On this one episode of Tailspin, Kid Cloudkicker jumps out of a plane with a bag of table salt and pours it into the clouds. The result is that it starts raining due to a chemical reaction with the salt and the cumulus clouds.

I don’t know how to science but, in today’s review I am going to make it rain on these tickers with a 100 bottle lambic release from the Pajizzzotenland.

YMCMB MAYBACH MUSIC MUSTARDONTHEBEAT.

Gotta have some srs plums to go after obscure Japanese lambic.

OWA Brewery SPRL
Brewed at Brouwerij De Troch
Style: Lambic Style – Fruit
Bruxelles, Belgium
5.5% Abv

100 bottle release

A: This beer presents with a bit darker hue than I anticipated but also doesn’t really have any fuschia or magenta from the ume tannins- OH WAIT, that’s probably because ume looks like this you ignorant fuck:

peach pears plums I am inches

so the carb comes out in soapy bubbles you could count individually and rises up to an eggshell collar that subsides pretty quickly but, nothing too apeshit, all things considered. There is insubstantial lacing and the legs are watery with minimal cling. The center of this beer is very inviting, got that amber meets wulfenite sort of glow to it. Google wulfenite and leave me the fuck alone.

Time for a trip to Japan or…Belgium. wait fuk

S: This is a tasty treat for the old face holes. At the outset you get a light sweetness like lemon meringue that subsides into a citrus acidity akin to a tangelo, there is a touch of musk and cheesiness that is almost like topsoil/silt, it closes with a zesty Sierra mist lime that is ultra inviting. It’s like when the woman is all on them satin sheets running her hand in a small circle and YOU WAKE UP ON THE METRO WITH A VISIBLE ERECTION OH GOD DAMN IT.

T: This takes the foregoing Sprite and tangerine aspects and ratchets them up to levels that can only be described as “mid to extremely trill.” The first swallow is a 160 bpm trap beat that cascades sweet, brackish, then tart in those waves. You get this opener kinda similar to lime lucas, if you grew up in a Hispanic neighborhood. It subsides into a sweet honeysuckle and grapefruit pith bitterness. Finally the closer comes out and it tightens up the game with a sort of “aged Printemps” sort of lemon-lime feel to it. It is never exceedingly sweet, and remains drinkably tart, yet has this bitterness like citrus rind to keep everyone in check. It could use a touch more from the attic fairy, but I imagine that will come with time, as will I.

The malts are restrained and take on a new, equally amazing form

M: This has a bit more heft than I would want out of a fruited lambic, but never drags deep into that honey coating too aggressively. It is dry but balanced by a light sweetness along the gumline that combos into the next sip like Glacius. Alright people complain my references are too obscure, you want to know who the fuck Glacius is?

There you go. That’s Glacius, do you even Killer Instinct?

He is excellent at ground-air combos. Alright can we get back to the fucking review? Ok so take that lemon lime and add a bit of acidity, not much, but say in the realm of a young 3F Kriek, just enough to keep the blue vein pumping. It is fully satisfying.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable with the caveat that you keep it under 55 degrees. The honey and sweet aspects closer to room temp make the sweetness a bit heavy handed when it gets warm but, what the fuck is wrong with you, letting 100 bottle Japanese lambics get all hot you insensitive asshole? All in all, a very good lambic likely unlike any other offerings you have tried. I guess you could mix 2006 Doesjel with 2006 Printemps and get a similar, less bright execution. In fact, go do that, report back to me. I posted a pic of this in a Facebook beer group all warming up my rotator cuff thinking I was about to serve up a backdoor breaking ball on some tickers. People had zero fucks to spare, too bust doling out Likes for KBS pictures. But that is part of the reason why you are here, and not fingering your dickhole talking to some anti-In Bev noob. We have the same issues. The type of beer drinkers who seek out this type of shit are not the ones who review Hopslam by reading the label in present progressive tense “”getting hoppy, getting malts, getting yeast, getting water, getting Bell’s, getting Michigan. getting…a guy with a hop cone on him…getting barcode…”

You expect some naughty funk but get some citrus loving instead.

Narrative: Tetsuo Otomo was the most esteemed botanist in all of Kyoto and his scientific renown brought inquiries from across the globe. Upon the behest of the European Union, Mr. Otomo traveled to the Senne Valley to analyze the ground-water table and its effects on the local fauna. “Hmm…ish a nooo good,” he noted in a borderline offensive accent “glound tabre has too much a sart! Need nitrogen frixation, lower minelal crontent.” The group of Belgian geologists nodded and took copious notes. Mr. Otomo returned to Brussels shortly thereafter and engineered a super strain of Japanese Plum that would convert the atmospheric nitrogen into ammonia at an alarming rate. The process drastically boosted the presence of the diazotrophs, creating a super flora in the classic valley. Soon even the mildest glass of kolsch exposed to the air became an acidic wild ale, almost instantly. German tourists brought kegs and kegs of tepid wit biers over in droves to contaminate and vastly improve their pedestrian ales. Tetsuo had solved a problem with plums, but created a larger one by way of ignorant assholes from abroad.

dontdrinkbeer

Drinking beer, so you don't have to.

Category Archives: belgian golden