Had so much fun yesterday almos forgot about all the house cleaning I did. This $50 lottery only beer is exceptional at leaving your pipes smelling like Lucas and Chile Mango pops. If you like a delicious cognac stouts but also want to feel a deep burning in your earns and jawline, this beer has it all. You get the churros, quincinera notes, delicious mole texture, best served from a pinata.
shot in portaint mode becase fuck this beer.
Today we learn brewers triks on how to make water have more pladoughs, then increase the gravitas. Using moscattle, and some secret incredients (REVEALED IN THE VEDEO!) you can make the water pofile like Indiana, until u can save up enoug to move ther.
BREWING SECRATS REVEALS!
So the Bruery announced today that their imperial porter collaboration with 3 Floyd’s might be infected, and basements shook with rage as sausage fingers pounded on their COMPAQ keyboards.
Some would call this entitlement, people being pissed about not getting their money’s worth out of a $300 – $700 club, and that’s fine, but you also joined a $700 club for beer, so I am pretty sure you lost your 14th amendment privileges at that point.
Others might think that this boils down to some crazy profiteering, from a brewery openly acknowledging flaws with their product…and warning their customers…before it is released for sale. I can’t really address that without colorful pie charts and clips from Yo Gabba Gabba, so I will move on.
I like the fact that, were this released the other way around, 3 floyds would have tossed it into their generic 750mls, hand numbered it, charged $50, used a lottery system, then later not used any lottery system and just sold it at the brewpub, and then ignored patron’s complaints after the fact when it was discovered that they sold a clearly infected beer at a huge markup.
oh and Indiana traders would ask for V012, etc.
Thank God we avoided that result.
I guess you could try and have a field day complaining about QC, but the Bruery was upfront about it, like a classy escort that lets you know she has HSVII but she is not currently shedding. And like a classy escort, knocks a few bucks off the fees.
If you don’t feel like doming a 15% porter within a couple of months, maybe you are a raging pussy? Maybe let the real drinkers pass through while you as picking up scattered Midols all over the ground.
sometimes i ask, “WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE THIS SHIT?”
I think we can all agree: yes it is shitty that the porters became infected. Here are a few solutions used by other breweries:
1) “we pasteurize the beer, sell it online in a fire sale, don’t make enough for even half of our reserve members” – Cigar City rocked this amazing strategy and people were still drinking their cum off of glass plates. It sold out instantly.
2) “Don’t tell them, maybe they wont know, we cant be responsible for beer held over time” this is the usual whipping post for smaller breweries that have zero fucks to spare. Dark Horse rocks this shit all the time, changes a label a bit here and calls it a day. SOUR OLD ALE YOU SAY? SIGN ME UP.
3) “We are gonna sell this beer, if people don’t like it, allow them to potentially abuse our marketing department and do a full refund across the board.” This is classy as fuck, but not really realistic. Bruery did this for Cacaonut and the other beers and people not only rocked full refunds, but then still bitched about how they could spend their refunds for beers they may have enjoyed or traded away. CCB pulled this white knight move for Huna day and you can basically do anything short of lighting pug puppies on fire as long as you have an apology like this. Noble, but expensive as fuck.
4) “OUR BEERS ARE NOT INFECTED, that BA Stout is supposed to taste like merlot and have a 5 finger head.” This is a classic move from the smallest of breweries, it essentially shifts the onus onto the customer for buying them in the first place. I love this one the most. YOU DONT LIKE THAT FUNKY BUDDHA BOTTLE WELL MAYBE BEERS ARENT MEANT TO BE DRANK OVER 5 WEEKS AFTER RELEASE? Basically shaming people for not drinking things immediately is dope as fuck. A certain East County San Diego brewery might be implicated in this cadre as well.
5) “This is potentially infected, sorry in advance, no refunds but at least we are dealing it straight.” I remember this going down with Hellshire II and we had the same bowlegged sore nutsacks complaining. I prefer this approach the most: you wanna spin the black circle? God ahead, we warned you.
you could complain about shit, or you can look at this pic of baby otters. choice is yours.
So is a brewery to do? For every million they make, more complaints ensue. I guess the underlying moral is that complaints from husky beer nerds are kinda like hearing sobbing from attendees at the Farscape/Babylon 5 convention: literally no one gives a fuck about them. This is the razor edge of 1 percenters in a hobby predicated on consumables. Until there is craft ice, this is the absolute nadir of hobbies and I will continue to treat them as such.
If you have been jumped in to the barleywine B-DUB crew, you know not to wear Airmaxes in the trap or a Chicago Bulls hoodie unless you wanna get laced up by some legit barleywine hitters. This is for the completely initiated. I know we joke around a lot about barleywines, upsets, and shelfwales around here. This is not to be fucked with. At first blush you might see that looming 17.3% abv and think you are hard, flexing your lats in the mirror remembering how you 1v1 wreked a bottle of Black Tuesday.
This is a whole different battle. Blood sweet and cognac running down your face. In Alaska the male population greatly outnumbers the female residents, this is how they cope: being blacked the fuck out 24/7. Let’s peep this icy beast in today’s review while we venture into the wild.
Seward’s folley.
Be cautious, that boozy is bigger than it appears. This beer gone shake it like a red nose.
Anchorage Brewing Company
Alaska, United States
Style | ABV
American Barleywine | 17.30% ABV
Notes/Commercial Description:
Barleywine style ale brewed with Galaxy Hops. A starting gravity of 37 Plato. Aged eleven months in Cognac barrels.
A: This pours syrupy thick and rolls out of the bottle in an incorrigible manner. You cannot agitate this beer, the bubbles barely escape from the depth and die immediately upon hitting the surface like they have some malty bends. The beer rocks in the glass like a medicinal coating, this murky brown Ohio river sort of tepid murkiness. The sheeting is hilarious and comes down in clear ropes like when you jack it too much in one day, aka that cinco al dia. This is a massive, offstyle monster that swings hard with an overpowered arm like the Tyrant in Resident Evil. It turns me into a Jill sandwich.
Picture above, traders posting ISOs for this beer.
S: Holy god, prepare for a walk to the edge and beyond. This takes the booziness of Xyauyu Gold to crazy new heights, or depths if you have a puckered butthole. This wafts fusel with a huge heat, coconut, almond, sherry, tawny port, caramel, cinnamon, and a massive dark fruit finish like overripe plums or blackberries you can crush in your fist. There’s light spice and oak, but again everything is dialed up to 11, no apologies are given and drinking this at 50 degrees was a hilarious act of futility, it was all oak and hops. Seriously just drink this at 65 and treat it like a liqueur, otherwise fuck it, you are wasting your $30 bottle. God knows what you paid to have something shipped to you from Alaska, better hope your wife doesn’t see that CC statement you irresponsible fuck.
T: This takes the insanity of the nose and renders it into a palpable malty madness. The viscosity is massive and leads with a fusel heat that strikes the gumline and imparts a warm toffee and cognac soaked peanut brittle front with surprising oaky hoppiness to balance things out. You know how in shitty movies when someone is getting bullied they get tossed around, straight getting rattled, that is how you palate feels keeping kicked from dude to dude just straight roughed up in a circle. It is hot but bitter, then soft and sweet and closes with an alcohol footing. This is less a barleywine and more in a class of those “ultra-ales” like Utopias, Xyauyu, Colossus, Five Squared, and the like. We drank this third in the blind BABW tasting and I laughed upon just smelling it, the intensity is so over the top you have a hard time taking it seriously like Crank 2, but it delivers on the nose and taste, if you have power leveled your palate, you will enjoy this sheer blunderbuss of malty glass and nails being sprayed across the deck of this Cognac man-of-war.
Weak tickers will make some comment about how their local barleywine is better, then secretly toss a beat sesh to this pics. That malty longing.
M: This leads syrupy thick, coating massively and heavier than most stouts of recent memory. It just goes overboard with the heat and if you take a large 2oz pull you might feel a tingle of a gag reflex, it is that wafty. But at room temp, just sip it and split this bitch 6 ways. You read that right, DDB is recommending giving this a straight up midwest treatment. Find your closest 10 friends with Untappd accounts and start popping those 5’s off. If you look at the reviews from other people who are pumping out thick loads of 5/5 100/100 all of their pours were like 3-4 ounces. Some American badass took down 5 oz, but any more than that is just too apeshit. No one puts on the entire Dragonforce Discography. That’s just too much face melting, it tires you out.
D: This is clearly not a marathon beer, hell, even powering through a full 8 ounce pour is baller status. I guess if you land a 150 case release from Alaska you should savor it. You could honestly cork this shit and come back to it a couple days later, this is indefatigable and you simply cannot oxidize this massive bitch. Trying to drill this feels like those last battles in Shadow of the Colossus where you are grinding for an hour just to take this bitch down. It is an undertaking that is fulfilling, albeit completely excessive and over the top. Invite your Yu Gi Oh friends over and get swerved.
Pour yourself a healthy portion and settle into whatever deviant ass activities that you have been meaning to get around to but couldn’t bring yourself to do sober.
Narrative: Keanu looked pensively at the floating parchment paper, fixing his eyes on the floor and the mangoat legs of his sinister host. “So let me get this straight, even though I can’t play bass, can’t act, can’t sing, I can have it all, just to give you my soul?” Keanu asked the lord of darkness and took a deep pull of vintage 50 year cognac and bit into a bite of creme brulee. “Yessss Keanuuu, you can have a band, you can call it Dogstar and it still will be successfffullll, even though you are completely without merit,” Bezelbub’s eyes ignited a crimson flame, showing frames from the Bill and Ted sequels, almost terrifying in scope and perspective. “Keanuuu you cannot do thisss without dark interventionnnn” Mephisto importuned with a flaming red plume pen and Keanu took it reluctantly. “Alright Satan, but you have to promise that I retain creative control over Speed 2,” Keanu asked and signed in blood on the bottom line while finishing his Do Si Do, crumbs falling on the unholy document.
Boy, you make a joke that you paid $700.00 for a bottle of beer and people lose their shit. Thankfully, I didn’t actually drop 7 bills to get some wood like some MBC ballers, but it did involve a trade that would turn your resctum inside out like a skinned snake. At any rate, cracking those top 10 speedwalez takes some doing, as anyone with shitty priorities will attest. In full midwest form, I only had ~4 ounces of this, so if my review sucks shit, point me to someone who has recently skulled a bomber solo, and I will ask that person why he has no friends.
Anyway, let’s make some more erection jokes predicated on wood puns in today’s review
I kicked off the blind BA Barleeywine tasting with this and no fewer than 5 dipshits pointed out that I did not taste this blind.
Thank you for that.
Flossmoor Station Restaurant & Brewery
Illinois, United States
Style | ABV
English Barleywine | 9.50% ABV
A: Despite its age, this doesnt pour a muddy flacid lakewater, but it isn’t the picture of jubilant, pube-free youth either. The carb is gentle and wisps in light rings without much lacing to speak of. In goldilocks parlance, things are “just right.” It isn’t exactly radiant but there is a certain posture to it like sits somewhere between a quad and that deep almond brown with medium clarity that is inviting, but relatively thin looking for the style. If you have fuxxed with CW BBBW you’ll know that look tho.
Just because something is old doesn’t mean it can’t be relevant and refined.
inb4 Ftowne jokes.
S: This is easily my favorite part of this beer, the toffee, almond, creme brulee top, toasted caramel and vanilla just dance seamlessly. I was expecting an oxy sidecar, but it never came. Everyone high fives one another and press their hips together comparing cocks talking about cardboard and “THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN I TRIED IT ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS” but dick measuring aside, I don’t get that thrift store musk that everyone was jizzing their skinny jeans over. Trust me, later I had 2000 BA Leviathan, i know them oxies. The waft was awesome, no old comic books up in the mix.
T: The taste follows the nose pretty seamlessly albeit in a much more gentle fashion. Those kids in the mid to late 2000s must have had more nuanced palates, an appreciation for the balance and front porch lounging with boozy libations. I got toasted coconut, sugar daddies, a light touch of paper/oxy, and some mallowfoam. Again this is all within the scope of things being resonant and lightly executed. If you walk into this with a raging boner for a Mother of All Storms experience, you will probably clip your tip on the wooden doorway. Speaking of wood, this isn’t the barrel bomb or oaky monster the label would imply, and I think it is better as a result. Perhaps time mellowed it, but it was just and easy drinker that disappeared frustratingly fast.
“I ticked won of the raerest barelywines evar, y u jealus of my sick lifestyle LOL haters amirite?”
M: This is on the thinner side of the BABW spectrum but the dovetailing of the gentle flavors makes it seem reasonable. By way of contrast, GI BCBBW has a shitload of raisin, chocolate, fig packed into a similarly thin body so it feels off balanced as a result. I really enjoyed the slick clean finish and sustain of the caramel notes rings like your child when you lock him in the poolhouse for running on the deck. Those sweet dulcet notes of enduring heat.
D: this is exceptionally drinkable and perhaps is a touch past its prime, depending on cellaring conditions. This is the same shithead section where I recommend you seek it out and you tell me to bang my asshole with a curling iron. The give and take of malty tides rolling in, taking hundreds of dollars in its wake. So the operative question is “should I put together a FT: with v007, Fou Foune, Pulling Nails, DDG, and 2 De Garde Berliners + $$$$ to land this bottle?” That is up to how well your life is going I guess, I eat dinty moore in front of a CRT TV and sip whales because I have shitty priorities. You want to live like me? You want to be an internet badass with stretch marks and an inferiority complex?
Fine, then trade for Wooden Hell. Like I give a fuck.
This is one of those last level master ticks you seek out because you are too bitchmade to land M.
Narrative: William Cooper was last in a proud lineage of barrel craftsmen who, until recently, felt the sting of a world embracing stainless containers. That is, until the revolution of the dipshit homebrewer. Every day, while shaving staves down of pure oak, he would be disturbed with importuning phone calls requesting “RARE BARRELS FOR MY IMPERIAL BROWN AGED ON DATES FIRST USE PLEASE.” William would masterfully be shaping a hoop with care and need to set his work by the wayside for shortsighted assholes. In his remote Illinois workshop, Subarus and KIAs would pull up regularly with husky patrons coming to question him about inane aspects of his once-proud craft. “Well what I am really looking at is bung retention, I made an extract Belgian blonde and I want to add Yuzu to it and I need something with a tannic presence, I read that online” they would chime in while inspecting markings. The face palming would not be insubstantial when these mealtymouthed interlopers would examine stave rivets and begin an unsolicited diatribe about Pappy Van Winkle lots. “Please sir, I just, I don’t even know what you are talking about, this is a private workshop,” William would plead, “yeah I have been to plenty of private workshops in Vermont to inspect their processes, nothing but the best for my homebrew you know? Some people really lack class.” The barrel business was booming once again, to the dismay of every cooper in the entire world.
Alright I am going to have to eat an entire plate of shit for this one. Illinois destroyed all competition.
Straight jacket took first place.
King Henry took second.
I can’t make this shit up. For all my shit talking, you cannot deny greatness and these beers are God Tier. Consider this a formal apology for all those times I made fun of KH and called it offstyle and noted the stout characteristics. Actually no, fuck that. No apology, just go buy more Straight Jacket.
I am dead.
Here is the breakdown:
1. Straight Jacket – 16.5
2. King Henry 15.5
3. Kuhnhenn BBW 15.375
4. GI BCBBW 14.7
5. Wooden Hell 14.6 (NOT RATED BLIND)
6. Blendlicious 14.5
7. Dude’s Bane 14.1
8. Old Nuptial and 2000 Ba Leviathan (tie) 13.75
10. Leon 12.75
11. Bourbon Barleycorn 12.5
12. Deal With the Devil 12.25
13. Arctic Devil and barrel aged Hifi (tie) 12.125
15. BA Behemoth 12
16. Central Waters BBBW and Fireside Chat (tie) 11.625
18. Pipeworks BA Murderous 11.5
19. K13 and Sucaba (tie) 11
21. Alpine Great 10.8
22. BA Roosevelt 10.75
23. Bligh’s batch 1 10.375
24. Brandy BA Barleycorn 10.25
25. BA Numbskull Rye 10
26. Mother of all Storms 9.5
27. Twisted Jim 9
28. Old Abominable Red Wine Barrel 8.625
29. Old Bird Brain 6
Beer Average Standard Deviation
MOAS 12 10 8 9 12 14 4 12 7 9.5 3.20713490294909
Alpine Great 6 10 11 13 12 10 13 12 10.875 2.29518128757995
Deal w the Devil 12 9 10 15 13 8 15 16 12.25 3.01188123461543
Old Nuptial 8 12 12 16 17 14 14 17 13.75 3.05894472933769
King Henry 14 15 14 18 18 12 17 16 15.5 2.1380899352994
Old Birdbrain 1 2 5 8 10 3 8 11 6 3.77964473009227
TWisted Jim 1 7 9 16 16 4 9 10 9 5.23722936566382
Straight Jacket 20 16 14 18 18 16 13 17 16.5 2.26778683805536
Sucaba 10 7 11 15 15 7 11 12 11 3.07059789431495
Old Abominable Red Wine 8 3 5 15 13 4 12 9 8.625 4.43806585929373
CW BBBW 6 14 11 16 19 13 13 1 11.625 5.70557371598785
BA Behemoth 13 8 10 11 16 17 10 14 10 12 3.25137333621173
BA Hifi B1 12 9 13 15 16 7 13 12 12.125 2.94897076476329
Pipeworks BA Murderous 10 12 12 17 13 6 12 10 11.5 3.11677488989592
2000 Merlot Leviathan 16 15 8 16 17 12 16 10 13.75 3.32737562824346
Dry Dock Blighs B1 16 6 11 13 11 3 11 12 10.375 4.06860804558161
K13 4 9 12 17 16 8 11 11 11 4.20883424647321
Flossmoor Fireside Chat 10 11 11 15 17 7 13 9 11.625 3.24862608321909
BCB BW 18 13 12 18 20 3 16 18 14.75 5.47070118253332
BA Old Numbskull Rye 4 8 13 12 16 5 14 8 10 4.37525509460387
Arctic Devil ’13 14 9 11 17 18 7 11 10 12.125 3.87067731245358
Blendlicious – Old Hickory 10 16 14 15 13 15 1518 14.5 2.32992949004287
BA Roosevelt 6 11 11 12 14 11 12 9 10.75 2.37546987833084
Bourbon Barleycorn 8 13 12 15 15 12 15 10 12.5 2.56347977784662
Kuhnhenn BBBW 13 16 15 15 19 16 9 18 15 15.375 2.97309362689534
Brandy BArleycorn 14 7 11 12 10 8 11 9 10.25 2.25198325291921
Leon 14 11 13 17 14 10 12 11 12.75 2.25198325291921
Dude’s Bane 15 13 13 16 18 13 11 14 14.125 2.16712449375401
wooden hell 12 10 17 18 16 14.6 3.43511280746353
Brb checking myself into rehab. see u guize in 30 days.
Tonight I am hosting a blind barrel aged barleywine tasting with the 29 highest rated BA Barleywines EVER. yes, including Wooden Hell, k13, deal with the devil, fucking king henry, Great: all them bitches.
Here is the meretricious contest: if you can correctly guess the lineup and how they place 1-30, the winner with the most correct spots wins an ultimate coovee blend of all 29 bottles. Submit your guess in the comments below and finger your butthole while you do so, to increase the guessing climax.
here is like 2/3rds of the list. If I die, admin privileges go to Ehammond and Levitation, but they have to work cooperatively.
Good luck, I will be dead soon and will assign my estate with the charge of illegally sending you beer:
Sucaba
Arctic Devil
Great
Kuhnhenn BBBW
MOAS 12
Blendilicious
Straight Jacket
CWBBW
Rye BA Old Numb
Twisted Trace
Blighs b1
2000 BA Leviathan
Dude’s Bane
BA Hifi b1
BA fireside chat
2013 BA behemoth
big sky old bluehair
GI BCBBW
King Henry
Pipeworks BA Murderous
Leon
BA Roosevelt
Old Nuptial
Wooden Hell
Fremont Old Birdbrain
Deal with the Devil
BA John Barleycorn
K13
Wine Barrel Old Abominable
hurry up and guess. dont be a bitch about the cinnamon.
Ok so if you follow DDB, you may remember a while back I reviewed a bunch of “Blue Lobster” items from the “THEN” brewer David Sakolsky. The bottles were unlabeled QC bottles of homebrew that weren’t technically Blue Lobster beers, based on my understanding. They looked like this:
Puns abound. Note, there is no reference to Blue Lobster on the label.
So in a behind the scenes that I didn’t want to go into, the now former brewer, David got in deep shit for sending me bottles of his homebrew. This is a nuanced IP discussion for a forum not as nuanced as the internet minge that is Dontdrinkbeer. So at that time, the owner of Blue Lobster intimated that he was going to sue DDB for what I can only assume libel (?) or misappropriation of company property (?) trespass to chattels (?) defamation per se (?) for posting pictures referencing Blue Lobster beer with “fake” labels.
Here is one such label that may have poised the Blue Lobster owner to sue poor old DDB:
This was the beer that I drank the night that old Subbydoo was banned from BA. Must have been the ABV.
So anyway, that label rustled that jim jameses, because I noted that it was brewed by Blue Lobster, which at the time the owner was alleging, if I understand it 1) did not want it to be identified by that fake label OR 2) that it was not an “actual” Blue Lobster beer.
Fast forward 6 months and David Sakolsky has since been fired. Now Blue Lobster has announced that they are releasing this:
MY IP HAS BEEN STOLEN.
“Hobbie” is a pejorative for sexually promiscuous Hobbits. Fantasy hate speech.
Well it looks like old DDB finally realized its dream of designing labels for breweries. So I am confused as hell, and don’t want to get sued. DDB was never officially contacted by the owner of Blue Lobster nor any counsel connected thereto, so maybe I am just completely misinformed and the owner of Blue Lobster is just a huge DDB fan. Who knows? someone with journalistic integrity should ask him.
So did Blue Lobster release David’s homebrew as a “real” Blue Lobster beer, despite disavowing it just 6 months ago? Or was this a Blue Lobster beer all along and I accidentally provided the springboard for the label?
I don’t know. I just don’t feel like getting sued. My Daredorm and Myfreecamsgirls accounts are already expensive enough as it is.
People have been asking what kind of absurd shit is going down on March 21st at my house. We will be doing a Blind Barrel Aged Barleywine tasting with the following lineup:
| Sucaba |
| Arctic Devil |
| Great |
| Kuhnhenn BBBW |
| MOAS 12 |
| Blendilicious |
| Straight Jacket |
| CWBBW |
| Rye BA Old Numb |
| Twisted Trace |
| Blighs b1 |
| 2000 BA Leviathan |
| Dude’s Bane |
| BA Hifi b1 |
| BA fireside chat |
| 2013 BA behemoth |
| big sky old bluehair |
| GI BCBBW |
| King Henry |
| Pipeworks BA Murderous |
| Leon |
| BA Roosevelt |
| BA Redrum |
| Old Nuptial |
| Wooden Hell |
| Black Raven Old Birdbrain |
| Deal with the Devil |
| BA John Barleycorn |
| BA Old and in the way |
| K13 |
| Old Abominable |
Inb4 “NO M? YOURE TASTING IS FUCKIN SHIT N00B”
Not every trade is a success. Sometimes you go hard in the paint with a 4:1 and end up with a bottle of oxy sugarwater. Such are the trials and tribulations of a ticker deep in the game, rubbing dregs on gums, looking for the next big hit, a bump of a new discrete potation to keep the blood pumping in the shaft. This is the DDB game. Today’s review is the clearest example of abject failure and stands as statuary adorned with laurels to the worship of the demi-god of failed trades. Myrrh and frankincense roasting at the altar of failed bilateral exchanges, bile and rotten liquid hatefully bubbling in tiny green vessels for upwards of 33 years, awaiting their baleful release upon the unwilling palates of modern combatants. Horrible shit, top to bottom in today’s review, and it enjoys the prestige of dethroning THE WORST BEER THAT I PREVIOUSLY HAD EVER TASTED, ENGINEERED BY MIKKELLER
Lets lay prostrate and accept the whippings in today’s review, there will be goozies.
Abandon all hope ye who trade for these
Formerly brewed at Belle-Vue
Style: Lambic Style – Gueuze
Sint-Pieters-Leeuw, Belgium
5.2% abv
A: Just look at this shit and ask yourself how much you hate your body. Do you harbor secret guilt for things you did in high school? To what extent do you revile your past actions and forthcoming shortcomings? The sum of these chambers must be excessive to want to put yourself though this one. The cap was not rusted, the bottle was in “perfect” condition in the way that Peter North is perfectly engineered for destroying vaginas. This pours a muddy, depressing pond-water/Skoal dip cup look to it. If you add water to Nestle Quik, you will be on this 1981 oxy game. The carb is there like an opening band for Gwar, you know shit is about to get violent and real very quickly. Only those who have endured a 4 Taco Bell item evening will know this look in the morning, those splattered viscous browns and siltbed khakis. The venom of soiled bedsheets and Fedex exchanges gone awry.
This beer is so horrible that it stays with you for life, redistributing its terror on a semi-regular basis
S: This might be the worst smell that I have ever encountered from anything set forth as beer. It ranks well in the top 10 worst smells and I have been to the LA Morgue. In fact the petulant fermldyhyde wafts up first, coming across as hugely astringent for a mild 5% abv romp in the chemical burn tank. Next comes the smell of rotting fruits in hot summer air, like wandering through orchards well after harvest, a deep gagging produce decay that sets the stage of a Land O Lakes nightmare. Butter, everywhere. Shameful butter engaging your pets in the most repressed discourse that you dont even tell your therapist about. The grease profile is like the kitchen of a Peruvian C-rated restaurant, hefty and coating the insides of your nose with a weight of undercooked pork belly. Finally the putrid green apple closer, like Jolly Ranchers that went through the laundry in a load of nothing but menstruated thongs. Decadent in its filth and profound in putrid depth.
T: For accuracy, I could only drink about 3 ounces of this, and I tried really. fucking. hard. The smells are transmuted into a tangible taste but further elaborate upon themselves like fucked up Brony fanfiction. It takes the model of things you want to appreciate and scrawls perverse diacetyl penises on the finest Baroque art. The initial taste is akin to the waft you get when your garbage disposal acts up, this filthy gurgling of old coffee bean acidity and ground up old bananas. The grease profile is slick in the mouth and this beer is not tart, not at all. There is a green apple butter pecan aspect that would be mildly acceptable if it wasn’t dipped in shortening and bacon runoffs. I can scarcely recognize this as a beer, it reminds me more of a fear inducing potion crafted by a second grader when left to his own devices under the kitchen sink. How can a beer beer both greasy and astingent? How does it hit the inner wall of the cervix with a filthy heat while still holding the crest of Planned Parenthood landfill? Burnt hair and unrolled condoms mixed with pruno from cellblock C cannot touch the depths of this misery. All this and I only had 3 ounces. I tried, I really did. I almost vomited, not in the hyperbolic DDB style, like a glaring autobiography of a hobby taken too far, gagging at each sip, flaying myself for a passion and the amusement of my readers. The purest dedication to this endeavor, pinnacle and zenith of all that is shame inducing actions.
the depths of the horror of this beer are derp altering.
M: This is greasy and heavy, then burns off like dirty diesel into a wafty buttered popcorn coating that lingers. The patient molest of your palate comes in waves, each more disturbing, no solace is provided as you are administering this unto yourself. The calm shame of your first masturbatory experiment coupled with a greasy facepalm that the longest 8th grade sick day cannot rival. These are the bottles that you hang your head and mumble the experience while avoiding eye contact. There is no acme of ticker pride, it is the crestfallen morning after where you realize you just impregnated a Samoan shemale, and this is your life here on out.
D: This is derivative, no words exist in English parlance to set forth how undrinkable this is. I cannot even bring myself to write a narrative about how horrible this beer is and recounting this experience is a mild PTSD experience where I lock my jaw and shake my head thinking how much a toll this horrible hobby has taken on me. I gave up Armand and Tomme, Loonz, and Zwazne glassware for this, just thinking of those bottles and looking at this pour, coating the insides of my tulip, mocking me, pressing its 33 year old cock against my bus window. I am mocked and I deserve it. Curiosity killed the cat and tickcuriosity raped my palate. A formidable changing experience on every level.
This beer is complete garbage pail discharge from the same era.
Narrative: I cannot contribute another 300 words after all of the foregoing. I did my best, but even I have my limits. Avoid at all costs, it will change you immesurably, like being jumped in by three rival gangs only to be rebuffed by each at the conclusion. It is without question the worst beer that I have ever tasted in my life, and I am forever marked as a result.
dontdrinkbeer 